Wednesday, 27 November 2013
Dirty Talk: Do it Right,
"Gonna get rowdy, gonna get a little unruly
Get it fired up in a hurry
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time that I came to start the party"
Christina Aguilera - Dirrty Lyrics
It is crucial when approaching this topic to remember that many women are highly talented in the realm of faking it. Thus if you are thinking you do not need to read the following words because you are so great at dirty talk, think again. I was having a conversation with Ms. K and Ms. M lately that really got me to thinking about dirty talk and how it can be both an exciting turn on and yet a huge turn off...BUT! There does seem to be some common denominators between all the women I spoke about this topic with that I think need to be discussed so that there are less moments of hilarity among women recapping dirty talk moments with one another. Mastering the realm of dirty talk is not as hard as it may seem as long as you remember that ALL women are different, AND to follow their lead on the tone and depth they are comfortable with. Here are three tips to dirty talk to your lover and remember to find each other's limits take baby steps or the whole process could be blown out of context and out of your love life for good.
“Do you trust me Ana?"
Ana! "Yes,I do."I respond spontaneously, not thinking...because it's true-I do trust him.
"Well,then"he looks relieved. "The rest of this stuff is just details"
"important details”
― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey
1) Don't degrade. Okay, there are some kinky sides to people out there that enjoy degradation, this is true and that is their sexual right. However, the majority of women do not enjoy being degraded by dirty talk. Let me use an example here to clarify what I mean, say you are just starting to date someone and you are sexting a little, getting a little frisky. Passionate messages are sent to and fro and then he says "I want to f*ck your face...." Hmmmm, this is a degrading way of saying what he wants and does not really sound all that pleasant. I have been over this numerous times women are turned on by words while men are more visual. Build a sexy story with your words. Build a erotic journey. Make your woman hot by words and your sex life will improve. Build anticipation. Do not use basic cave man language to say you want a blow job, come on now. "What's the best way to turn a woman on? Via her brain, of course, and if you can learn to talk in a way that gets her mind venturing into a myriad of sexual fantasies...Depending on how she communicates with you, pick up on her dialogue and follow suit using appropriate sexual language." (1) Sexual language is key to successful dirty talk, or else you will just have an offended, and some what pissed off recipient. I had an interesting conversation about how degradation can be confusing to hear, and I believe that this comes from the origin of dirty talk. What I mean is we hear respectful dirty talk that we enjoy and get aroused, but then we hear degrading talk and we are not sure because it is sort of similar to dirty talk so it begins to arouse us but then instead of feeling like returning the sentiment we often feel shamed. This is not a good feeling and it is often confusing so steer clear of generating sexually disrespectful responses SO! Instead of spouting off some Hustler magazine fueled fantasy that involves doing anything with her face besides kissing it, use your head and find appropriate sexual language. We all have our differences of is sexually language and once you find your groove enjoy! ALSO! If you receive a dirty text, take two seconds to reply to it appropriately. I say something like "That is so hot, I just am headed into a meeting but thanks for giving me something amazing to think about." DO NOT leave the person hanging because you are not in the mood. They are taking the chance and exposing their desires to you and to ignore someone when they are sharing that with you is just rude.
“Seduction doesn't involve deception. Seduction is the art of enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do.”
-Anon
2) Pictures. Pictures seem to go hand in hand with a little slap and tickle kind of chatting. But, they can also be very off putting. Here is an example again for reference. One morning in the midst of a board meeting I received a text, not thinking anything of it I glanced at my phone so see a cock staring back at me. Mmmhmm. This is a highly ineffective way to initiate dirty talk. As stated earlier men are visual, women are...verbal! I am not sure if this is what men fantasize about I imagine it most likely is. I have a clear idea that men and women are very different sexual creatures. I had a conversation about fore play with a man and I said "Well how would you feel if a woman just came up and started rubbing on your cock." There was an awkward pause to which I realized most men would very much enjoy. While women on the other hand would like to be kissed up the neck, thighs, they like to be caressed and turned on. It is a rare occasion where a woman just wants a wham, bam, thank you ma'am kind of experience. We must apply this kind of foreplay mentality to photographs. Gradually build up to the exchange and I am just going to be totally blunt here, pictures of naked men are not all that arousing. Perhaps to other women they are, but the women I spoke to all agree that they are not. It is more the intimacy that the pictures offer that women feed on, not the actual image. I am sorry if you are reading this and are offended in any way. But, don't get me wrong. Pictures of men in their underwear are VERY stimulating AND it may be that shirtless men are usually posing sexually and teasing while nude pics from men are typically a picture of their junk and their messy bedroom floor. Perhaps this is one major difference between women and men is that women enjoy several shots of undressing in model poses while men might enjoy just snap shots of their girl's goods. I am not sure, but I do know what I have discussed (okay and laughed) about with my friends and so I feel the need to share that photographs are never a good way to kick start the dirty. AND once again if your lover worked up the courage and posed for a sexy picture for you do not ignore that. Always thank them even if you want to discuss the content of said photograph. Ignoring nude pictures is like rejecting your naked lover, they will feel rejection and insecurity if you do not validate the images they send you. In fact if you make them feel too insecure about the images you may NEVER get a pic again, and what fun would that be?
“Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.”
-Woody Allen
3) Confidence! You absolutely must have confidence to pull of dirty talking. If you do not feel confident in what you are saying than you are going to make your partner confused. Dirty talk is expression and it is fun and so if you are feeling awkward and unsure then DON'T DO IT. Remember my story from an earlier blog about one of my past moments with dirty talk and I got a "I want to kiss you on the mouth." That is sweet and all but not what I was asking for. If you are not sure what to say my best advice to you is ASK, you can either ask your lover in the heat of the moment, for example if they ask you to talk dirty to them you can ask them "What do you want me to do to you?" This gets the ball rolling and sets up a parameter by following the lead of the initiator. Or you can also ask your lover another time such as when you are having breakfast together or you can ask your friends that are women what they think is a turn on...or more importantly a turn off! Do have confidence absolutely, HOWEVER, do not have an over abundance of confidence and just assume that you know what turns on all women and that you are God's gift to all women everywhere. Every woman is different, every woman is unique. But, asking your friends that are women will give you pretty good insight into what is not acceptable when getting frisky. Baby steps. That is what exploring dirty talk is all about. Because while you may have dated a girl that really was turned on by your telling her you were going to suck her toes later the girl you are now dating may be disgusted by that thought. Never, ever, assume that you know what another person wants to hear. So, clearly the best plan is to ask your lover, have confidence in your self and dive into the dirty.
“For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.”
-Isabel Allende
Dirty talk is one of my most favorite parts of dating. The anticipation it builds up thinking about all the things you can do when you see your lover. The excitement of knowing someone wants you. The confidence that you are on someone's mind. It is all exhilarating and should be tried out. But, it should be done with respect or else it just becomes another degrading avenue for toxicity to grow. Respect yourself enough to know what turns you on and what does not and speak up for that. Sexual language with confidence and respect can go a long way in the dirty world so best of luck!
On a personal note I am still happy with the American. He took me on a most incredible date to the symphony after a very luxurious dining experience that was all amazing. The date was the best date I have ever been on, and not because of the price, and not because of the beautiful culture, and not because of the way he looked in his suit and tie, but simply because it all went perfectly smoothly. The date was comfortable and natural, it was a night out that felt like it was meant to be, it went off without a hitch. There were no words of resentment, no rubbing in the bill, no rushing, no judging, no nothing but enjoying the adventure together. Those are the best dates when you know you are with the person that you are meant to be with as the universe gives you all the right signs. Thanks for reading. Until next week, XO.
References:
"6 secret ways to turn her on" - Sarah Miller MH
All photographs from google
Get it fired up in a hurry
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time that I came to start the party"
Christina Aguilera - Dirrty Lyrics
It is crucial when approaching this topic to remember that many women are highly talented in the realm of faking it. Thus if you are thinking you do not need to read the following words because you are so great at dirty talk, think again. I was having a conversation with Ms. K and Ms. M lately that really got me to thinking about dirty talk and how it can be both an exciting turn on and yet a huge turn off...BUT! There does seem to be some common denominators between all the women I spoke about this topic with that I think need to be discussed so that there are less moments of hilarity among women recapping dirty talk moments with one another. Mastering the realm of dirty talk is not as hard as it may seem as long as you remember that ALL women are different, AND to follow their lead on the tone and depth they are comfortable with. Here are three tips to dirty talk to your lover and remember to find each other's limits take baby steps or the whole process could be blown out of context and out of your love life for good.
“Do you trust me Ana?"
Ana! "Yes,I do."I respond spontaneously, not thinking...because it's true-I do trust him.
"Well,then"he looks relieved. "The rest of this stuff is just details"
"important details”
― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey
1) Don't degrade. Okay, there are some kinky sides to people out there that enjoy degradation, this is true and that is their sexual right. However, the majority of women do not enjoy being degraded by dirty talk. Let me use an example here to clarify what I mean, say you are just starting to date someone and you are sexting a little, getting a little frisky. Passionate messages are sent to and fro and then he says "I want to f*ck your face...." Hmmmm, this is a degrading way of saying what he wants and does not really sound all that pleasant. I have been over this numerous times women are turned on by words while men are more visual. Build a sexy story with your words. Build a erotic journey. Make your woman hot by words and your sex life will improve. Build anticipation. Do not use basic cave man language to say you want a blow job, come on now. "What's the best way to turn a woman on? Via her brain, of course, and if you can learn to talk in a way that gets her mind venturing into a myriad of sexual fantasies...Depending on how she communicates with you, pick up on her dialogue and follow suit using appropriate sexual language." (1) Sexual language is key to successful dirty talk, or else you will just have an offended, and some what pissed off recipient. I had an interesting conversation about how degradation can be confusing to hear, and I believe that this comes from the origin of dirty talk. What I mean is we hear respectful dirty talk that we enjoy and get aroused, but then we hear degrading talk and we are not sure because it is sort of similar to dirty talk so it begins to arouse us but then instead of feeling like returning the sentiment we often feel shamed. This is not a good feeling and it is often confusing so steer clear of generating sexually disrespectful responses SO! Instead of spouting off some Hustler magazine fueled fantasy that involves doing anything with her face besides kissing it, use your head and find appropriate sexual language. We all have our differences of is sexually language and once you find your groove enjoy! ALSO! If you receive a dirty text, take two seconds to reply to it appropriately. I say something like "That is so hot, I just am headed into a meeting but thanks for giving me something amazing to think about." DO NOT leave the person hanging because you are not in the mood. They are taking the chance and exposing their desires to you and to ignore someone when they are sharing that with you is just rude.
“Seduction doesn't involve deception. Seduction is the art of enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do.”
-Anon
2) Pictures. Pictures seem to go hand in hand with a little slap and tickle kind of chatting. But, they can also be very off putting. Here is an example again for reference. One morning in the midst of a board meeting I received a text, not thinking anything of it I glanced at my phone so see a cock staring back at me. Mmmhmm. This is a highly ineffective way to initiate dirty talk. As stated earlier men are visual, women are...verbal! I am not sure if this is what men fantasize about I imagine it most likely is. I have a clear idea that men and women are very different sexual creatures. I had a conversation about fore play with a man and I said "Well how would you feel if a woman just came up and started rubbing on your cock." There was an awkward pause to which I realized most men would very much enjoy. While women on the other hand would like to be kissed up the neck, thighs, they like to be caressed and turned on. It is a rare occasion where a woman just wants a wham, bam, thank you ma'am kind of experience. We must apply this kind of foreplay mentality to photographs. Gradually build up to the exchange and I am just going to be totally blunt here, pictures of naked men are not all that arousing. Perhaps to other women they are, but the women I spoke to all agree that they are not. It is more the intimacy that the pictures offer that women feed on, not the actual image. I am sorry if you are reading this and are offended in any way. But, don't get me wrong. Pictures of men in their underwear are VERY stimulating AND it may be that shirtless men are usually posing sexually and teasing while nude pics from men are typically a picture of their junk and their messy bedroom floor. Perhaps this is one major difference between women and men is that women enjoy several shots of undressing in model poses while men might enjoy just snap shots of their girl's goods. I am not sure, but I do know what I have discussed (okay and laughed) about with my friends and so I feel the need to share that photographs are never a good way to kick start the dirty. AND once again if your lover worked up the courage and posed for a sexy picture for you do not ignore that. Always thank them even if you want to discuss the content of said photograph. Ignoring nude pictures is like rejecting your naked lover, they will feel rejection and insecurity if you do not validate the images they send you. In fact if you make them feel too insecure about the images you may NEVER get a pic again, and what fun would that be?
“Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.”
-Woody Allen
3) Confidence! You absolutely must have confidence to pull of dirty talking. If you do not feel confident in what you are saying than you are going to make your partner confused. Dirty talk is expression and it is fun and so if you are feeling awkward and unsure then DON'T DO IT. Remember my story from an earlier blog about one of my past moments with dirty talk and I got a "I want to kiss you on the mouth." That is sweet and all but not what I was asking for. If you are not sure what to say my best advice to you is ASK, you can either ask your lover in the heat of the moment, for example if they ask you to talk dirty to them you can ask them "What do you want me to do to you?" This gets the ball rolling and sets up a parameter by following the lead of the initiator. Or you can also ask your lover another time such as when you are having breakfast together or you can ask your friends that are women what they think is a turn on...or more importantly a turn off! Do have confidence absolutely, HOWEVER, do not have an over abundance of confidence and just assume that you know what turns on all women and that you are God's gift to all women everywhere. Every woman is different, every woman is unique. But, asking your friends that are women will give you pretty good insight into what is not acceptable when getting frisky. Baby steps. That is what exploring dirty talk is all about. Because while you may have dated a girl that really was turned on by your telling her you were going to suck her toes later the girl you are now dating may be disgusted by that thought. Never, ever, assume that you know what another person wants to hear. So, clearly the best plan is to ask your lover, have confidence in your self and dive into the dirty.
“For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.”
-Isabel Allende
Dirty talk is one of my most favorite parts of dating. The anticipation it builds up thinking about all the things you can do when you see your lover. The excitement of knowing someone wants you. The confidence that you are on someone's mind. It is all exhilarating and should be tried out. But, it should be done with respect or else it just becomes another degrading avenue for toxicity to grow. Respect yourself enough to know what turns you on and what does not and speak up for that. Sexual language with confidence and respect can go a long way in the dirty world so best of luck!
On a personal note I am still happy with the American. He took me on a most incredible date to the symphony after a very luxurious dining experience that was all amazing. The date was the best date I have ever been on, and not because of the price, and not because of the beautiful culture, and not because of the way he looked in his suit and tie, but simply because it all went perfectly smoothly. The date was comfortable and natural, it was a night out that felt like it was meant to be, it went off without a hitch. There were no words of resentment, no rubbing in the bill, no rushing, no judging, no nothing but enjoying the adventure together. Those are the best dates when you know you are with the person that you are meant to be with as the universe gives you all the right signs. Thanks for reading. Until next week, XO.
References:
"6 secret ways to turn her on" - Sarah Miller MH
All photographs from google
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
Honeymoon Never Over I Say
So lately people have been telling me that things will fade out with The American and that our honey moon period is in deed exactly that, just that a phase. What a sad thought? It got me to thinking about why relationships fade out and how so many people settle for something and someone that they are NOT crazy about. To this kind of mentality I say "Poppycock!" I actually believe that you will meet someone that sets your life on fire. And, I don't mean you will meet someone who literally burns your house down because they are certifiable, I strongly hope that never happens to anyone. What I mean is that you will meet someone who truly betters every inch of your existence and with this person you will be your true self like you have never been before, and you know what? You will live happily ever after. (No, it will not be like the movies because your life is actually not a Hollywood script not matter how badly you will it to be). But, you will wake up everyday happy with a feeling in the pit of your stomach that you are with the right person. I believe that when you meet the right person you will always look at them and be falling more in love regardless if it has been three months to 30 years). And, I am sorry to all those people out there who post long poems about love fading and people staying together because they don't believe in giving up when the love is gone....I say "You sir, have settled" Greatness exists for all of us. But, it takes effort to catch someone great and to keep the honey moon period a forever state and I have seen it in the flesh time and time again. I have some AMAZINGLY FABULOUS couple friends that range between married and basically married (just not on paper) that I can see the love between them every second they look at each other. This bond exists. If you do not have it and you think I am a dreamer, than I am sorry to say but I am not. True love exists but you have to be ready for it to find you or you could just be settling. The following are five simple ideas that I believe keep the honey moon phase in tact once you have met your Mr. Right.
"Love has reasons which reason cannot understand."
Blaise Pascal
1) BE YOURSELF. That is right! The right person will think you are AWESOME. So just be yourself. See in the beginning you were yourself. (Well, I hope you were because I already blogged about playing make believe with your identity so if you created a false you than I don't know what to tell you). In the beginning you should not be concerned about what your love interest judges about your personality because if he doesn't like you the way you are than F*ck it and move on. Who wants to be with someone who does not appreciate them in their entirety?? So you are completely yourself in the hopes that if he is the right person he will like you just the way you are. SO WHAT HAPPENS OVER TIME? I will tell you what happens we CHANGE for our loved ones (or even worse, we try and change our loved ones). This mentality is SO high school. When I was 14 my dad use to drive me to school (what a nice dad thing to do really) BUT! at 14 this is HORRIBLY embarrassing because what if someone sees your dad?!?! and what he is wearing because he is so not hip!?! and his mini van is so not cool?!?! OMG! I know right, 14 year old girls are the definition of drama and it only cultivates with age until they hit their mid 20's. (I would know!) But, over time you realize something. Dad's are not cool. No that is not their job. Their job is to be your dad, to care for you, cloth you, feed you, and be fatherly. When I was 14 I wanted to change my dad to be hip, but now I realize my dad is just perfect the way he is. He is a wonderful dad and always has been and I was just being an absurd little girl (as all teenage girls are). So when we take this mentality to our adult years and relate it to our relationships let us see if it looks any more reasonable....(take a few minutes).....I say NO. You should love and appreciate your partner for just who they are. Not who you think they should be or could be. This is not loving someone. Mr. X use to tell me not to be honest (which FYI is one of my defining traits) he use to tell me it embarrassed him because it causes unnecessary conversations. What a load of bullshit. He wanted to change me because I was embarrassing to his cowardly existence. And, on the flip side I wanted to change men I have dated, I have been embarrassed about employment, hair, dance moves, etc. AND people always tell me that in the beginning you are blind to these things but I disagree. I think that the feelings you have of being turned off by an aspect of someone is a HUGE red flag. So here is the deal. Be yourself with someone completely and find someone that you love completely. Don't pick out on or two endearing traits that you like about someone and try and scrap the rest of their personality to suit you. DO NOT stay with someone that you are not crazy about, and do not try and change the one you are with. It is not your place to change anyone, and it is not anyone's place to change you. Attempting to change one another leads to resentment, low self esteem, hurt feelings, and a whole slough of negative bull shit that your relationship should never have.
"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."
Blaise Pascal
2) BE HONEST. Now, often people think that being honest means being hurtful. And, this is simply not true! Honesty can be used to stroke the sh*t out of your lovers ego. Which of course he deserves every once and a while because who doesn't? Everyone. So here is the thing that I do I compliment The American whenever I feel the urge. I compliment his wine choice, his new shirt, his new cute haircut, his performance in the bedroom, I compliment all things relative to him. Because, compliments feel good to both receive and give. AND! If you read my blog about break ups, than this is a repeat for you, but positive statements go a billion miles further than negative nagging. Appreciate your love interest. In return, if you are tactfully honest, you will be able to be honest about all things. Say that for example crumbs on the counter really irritate the piss out of you. (yes that is right it is return of the crumbs, to all those who know me this is my number one piss off, we all have our thing). I use honesty when I express my distaste for crumbs everywhere in the fact that I say how it makes me feel. How in the past, for three years, I asked Mr. X to simply wipe the crumbs less than a food to the sink because it really bothered me and for three years he did not give a f*ck that it was something that bothered me that made me feel devalued. I tell men who I share space with that crumbs irritate me for several reasons (the reasons are not important here) and I am just straight up honest. Now, some of you may be thinking this is changing someone, but the truth of the matter is if you are someone who lives in a pile of crumbs than you and I WILL NEVER be compatible....ever. So, my being honest about how it will never work with someone who is crumby should thus weed them out of my dating existence. What I am trying to say is be honest about all your likes and dislikes because you need to be with someone who both appreciates and is compatible with your quirks. You MUST express yourself or you will never be happy and your partner will never know you. But, one must express honesty in the this manner: say how YOU feel. That is honesty. You CANNOT say "You did this...blah, blah, blah" the person already knows what they did, and, by the time you get a hold of what they did with your resentment taking it out of context you are most likely accusing your lover of something you fabricated. Instead of this, simply say something like this "I feel unheard and hurt because ..." then say the direct action. DO NOT create a double meaning of their action and insult them like "You are an inconsiderate jerk because you constantly do not listen..." this IS NOT honesty. This is insulting. You can only speak of honesty when it comes from yourself, you have no idea why other people act they way they do or say the things they say so don't jump the gun and paint someone else with a tainted brush. OF COURSE! Honesty does not work if you are using it mean spirited to get what you want or change someone. Don't use honesty to manipulate others, that is not what it is intended for. Use honesty for good and to express yourself, and I promise your relationship will benefit.
"When we are in love we seem to ourselves quite different from what we were before."
Blaise Pascal
3) BE SPECIAL!! Do something nice that shows you care. THIS IS KEY! The only thing (besides intimacy in most cases) separating your partner from your friends are the little things. So treat him like he is one of a kind (which he is!) and treat him like you know that. Everyone wants to feel like they are appreciated and unique. I often bake for the man in my life. Whatever he likes or whatever I feel like making. I bake something special and also if I see something when I am out and about I will buy it for him and surprise him. I also will brag about how awesome he is and not be afraid to tell everyone that he is not like other men. All of us want to feel like we are someone's someone special. Think about how good it feels when the person you are with tells you how awesome they think you are. How original and important you are to them and how seeing you makes their whole day. It feels like sunshine on a cold day. It feels like your soul is shining from smiling. It is a great feeling. If you are not willing to make your partner feel this way everyday than you are not trying. With this in mind, you should make your partner feel this way as often as possible. Make your partner feel the way you want to feel and let them know that they are the keeper to the key of your heart and only them. AND! It is not because they are needy or insecure and need to hear it. No, not at all. Say it because you mean it and because you know how good it feels to hear that you are that to someone. (On a flip side if you never make your partner feel special they will become extremely needy and desperate and you will ruin your relationship). Neediness spawns from a place of loneliness. When women (and men) feel lonely in their relationships they act out in a needy fashion because they are desperate not to feel the way they are feeling. And, who wants to feel lonely? No one. The truth is if you do not feel like telling the person that you are with (OR even better showing them! as we all know words can be just empty air...) than you are probably with the wrong person. When you are with the right person you will fit together and you will want to tell them how special that bond is. Now, you may be reading this and thinking that I don't know what it takes to make real relationships work. But, I strongly believe that because I have stayed and been miserable for years in my previous relationships, AND I can pin point the exact moment when the love was gone, when the infatuation faded and I should have moved on to bigger and better things. But, in stead I wanted to "fix" what was broken, I wanted to hold on to what was crumbling, I wanted desperately to be loved when all the while I should have walked away. My failed romances have made me wise. In fact, I would say that when I was single I looked around at some of my taken friends and my heart ached for them (and still does) because they were suffering everyday with a man who treats them like dirt. I can relate. I stayed with men that treated me like garbage, because I was SO afraid of being single. But, you know what I realized, after the dust settles from your break up, being single was MUCH better than my previous relationships ever were. I did not feel special, I did not feel valued, I did not feel beautiful or unique. So, I am telling you if you do not feel special and are not working on making your special someone feel the way you want to feel than there is something wrong in your union. Something is broken. The honey moon period does not have to end if you keep the magic feeling of being someone's morning rush alive. But, these things can only stay fresh if you both keep them that way. If one of you is the only one trying than it can become irritating to the other. Mr.TooGood tried tell me his theory about 100 percent once, it was that if one person is giving 100 percent than the other person will be giving zero and that a perfect relationship is 50-50. I have to disagree in that I think that if you have dropped down to 50 percent than you are at half your effort. In the beginning you are both at 100 percent and that is what feels so awesome, is because you are both maxed out for one another. Of course maintaining 100 percent may seem exhausting, but I promise one day you will find someone that makes 100 percent feel incredible. They will make you want to give 100 percent and more because it just feels good.
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"All of our reasoning ends in surrender to feeling."
Blaise Pascal
Pretending to be someone you are not and lying about being happy about it will make you miserable. So will not appreciating your partner I promise. Seriously, treat others the way that you want to be treated. Be open but kind, be real but still classy and let the world know your partner is exceptional, because they are. Don't assume anything. That is my best life advice. Never assume your partner knows what you are thinking, what you want, how you feel or how to make you feel the way you want to feel. Express yourself and appreciate your love whenever you can. Too much time is spent resenting one another, hating each other's never said words and judging. Step away from trying to change your lover and lying to them, step away from being someone else in someone else's life, and step away from not appreciating what you have. AND! Step into a person that you want to be. We all make mistakes and relationships are not going to be sunshine, lolly pops and rainbows, but they can be magical and they can make you happy every day until the end of your days if you are with the right person doing what is best for both of you. I know this to be fact because I have many friends who are living proof of this possibility. They are madly in love for over a decade now with their partners and they are beautiful together. They are real together. They are the honeymoon period till the end of time. I believe that the honey moon phase is possible to have forever and that happily ever does exist if you are strong enough to believe in not only your own capabilities and your lovers but the possibility of love. And, if are not feeling this way with someone than I suggest you take time and fall in LOVE with yourself and your life! It is better to be alone and completely head over heels in love with every breathe you breath than spend one second with someone who takes away from your happiness.
Wednesday, 13 November 2013
Friendship 101
http://www.youtube.com/v/nJE0lkt80KE?version=3&autohide=1&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=yEhRGpd9uLGm82qRwjjRRg&showinfo=1&autohide=1&feature=share
How to Be a Good Friend
-My mother
With the discussion last week of how hurtful people's intentions can be it really got me to thinking about the relationships between women and women, and friendships. If you are reading this and we are friends than THANK YOU! You are an awesome friend. The reason why I say this is after the many years of dealing with toxic people in my last few years of life I have weeded my group of friends down to good hearted and kind people that enrich my life in so many ways. This got me to thinking how to be a good friend back to my friends and what I think makes my friends so great so the following are five ideas that build strong, healthy friendships:
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
― Elbert Hubbard
1) BE HONEST! Yes you can lie to your doctor, your dentist, your pastor, whoever you feel should not know the truth but you should never lie to your friends. AND more importantly you should never have to lie to your friends! You should be the friend that your friends can be honest with and vice-versa. If your friends are hiding things from you this may mean that you are not a person they feel they can be honest with, which means you should talk to them about this. BUT! on the other hand, perhaps they just in general do not feel comfortable being honest. In a world where we are taught to be "cool" , be "funny", be "pretty" and fit in honesty is not a quality that is praised very often. Whatever the dynamic in your friendships, not being truthful is toxic. Hiding things from one another means that you do not have a real friendship, in fact it means that your relationship is based on half truths and lies. Honesty is a vital part of healthy relationships and trust and if you want to be a good friend, a friend that can be trusted and a friend who your friend turns to be honest. But! be tastefully honest. Be honest because you care and you want what is best for your friends.
“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
2) GOOD INTENTIONS!Act kindly towards your friends! Too often I have been treated cruel by my female and male friends and it hurts. Friends purpose in your life is actually to make you feel better and bring out the best in you, and that is your purpose to them. Not make each other feel shitty and hurt one another's feelings. You may be thinking that honesty contradicts this but honesty can be good natured. If you find yourself putting down your friend in front of others because other people think it is funny put yourself in your friend's shoes for a moment. A long, long time ago I had a brief night with a guy and the former Ms. J and I went to the pub where he and I had decided to meet up after chatting for a while. While enjoying a cocktail she blurted out to the bartender that I had hooked up with someone the last time I was at the establishment. I looked startled and did not say anything. She was laughing and thought it was hilarious as I sat embarrassed and publicly humiliated in front of the patrons and staff. She then said I should have gone with the joke, as it was my fault she rubbed salt in the wound (as he stopped talking to me), as it was my fault as she broke my trust in front of complete strangers, and as if it was my fault for being hurt by her actions which she deemed not only socailly acceptable but funny. This kind of behavior is mean spirited. It is not funny to laugh at your friends and poke fun at them for amusement. Treat your friends the way you want to be treated and be nice. Like my mother always says "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" this is the best policy.
3) COMMUNICATION! So here is the thing I have heard time and time again from all my friends is that it is not that people bail (let's face it life happens and people are always going to cancel without cause or warning) but it is the fact that they never say anything, or worst they pretend they are for sure coming and then don't show up. When you do not at least communicate the reason why you are doing what you are doing it makes other people first of all, confused as to what is happening, and second of all, feel devalued. When you ditch out on invitations that is fine, life happens! But, it is not fine to ditch out and then ignore the friend that invited you. It makes that friend feel even worse. But, if your friend who ditches is afraid to tell you then you need to build that area of your friendship so that they feel comfortable being communicating with you. If you get easily offended and say and do mean things when your friends try and be honest with you than you need to realize that your friends are not ever going to have true relationships with you because they can not express themselves. AND! if you are a friend who is just nervous about being honest, realize that things will never change and friendships will never grow if you hide what you want and who you are. Communication is key to all relationships and in particular friendships between women as women are highly more communicative than men in general.
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4) BE NICE! Do nice things for the people you care about. It does not matter what it is, it can be the simple act of thanking your friends for spending time on a hectic day to cooking dinner for them. Whatever it is show your appreciation. Truth: I tell my friends almost every time after we spend time together that I appreciate their time, because I really do. Tell your friends nice things. Pick them up from sad times. Misery loves company absolutely so kick Miseries Ass with happiness. If your girlfriend is sad than tell her how awesome she is. Help your friends when they need it and completely guarantee if you act with nice words and kindness to your friends they will return these actions ten fold and it feels really great when your girlfriends and male friends build you up, give you a simple compliment or give you a small gift they made it is a really great feeling. Remember this feeling and try and pass it along.
“We'll be Friends Forever, won't we, Pooh?' asked Piglet.
Even longer,' Pooh answered.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
5) DON'T F%CKING GOSSIP! Agh! This is the WORST thing that we do to our friends. Now, I am not encouraging gossip in any manner but it is one thing to bash the mean girl at the office who picks on you with your friends (but even this is not effective or kind). BUT! It is a whole other grade school pile of bullshit if you are actually hanging out with someone and chatting with them all the time but as soon as they leave you talk smack about them. This means you probably do not actually like that person and you are being a total dick. Don't talk behind people's backs. I realized that not all people are going to be your friend, in fact you are not going to like everyone, so if you feel compelled to talk about all the things you dislike about someone, the truth of the situation is most likely that you do not actually like that person and should stop pretending to be their friend. It is one thing if you are concerned about your friend and you ask another close friend what she thinks you should do. (There are some life events that can be over whelming). This is general concern and seeking advice it is not ill intended. Here is another example from the former Ms. J she was always hanging around (and still is hanging around) with a woman that she would constantly talk poorly about. But, to this woman's face she was her regular self. This kind of behavior creates complete distrust in your friendships because if someone is taking poorly about their other friends than they are most likely talking poorly about all their friends not to mention it is just rude.
“What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.”
― Aristotle
SO that sums it up. Be true to yourself and to your friends because you both deserve the truth. But, only if your words are NOT ill intended, act with kindness whenever you can. And, DON'T BE AFRAID if a friend of yours has become someone who IS NOT a good friend and hurts your feelings than walk away. There are so many people out there that are waiting for a good hearted friend so walk away from the negativity and find happiness. AND! If you are one of my friends reading this know that I am friends with you because I believe that you embody the principles above and so much more. That I feel happy that you are part of my life and when you turn your back I have nothing negative to say about you. At this age our friendship is real and I hope that you feel the same way too. Until next week thanks for reading. XOXO
With the discussion last week of how hurtful people's intentions can be it really got me to thinking about the relationships between women and women, and friendships. If you are reading this and we are friends than THANK YOU! You are an awesome friend. The reason why I say this is after the many years of dealing with toxic people in my last few years of life I have weeded my group of friends down to good hearted and kind people that enrich my life in so many ways. This got me to thinking how to be a good friend back to my friends and what I think makes my friends so great so the following are five ideas that build strong, healthy friendships:
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
― Elbert Hubbard
1) BE HONEST! Yes you can lie to your doctor, your dentist, your pastor, whoever you feel should not know the truth but you should never lie to your friends. AND more importantly you should never have to lie to your friends! You should be the friend that your friends can be honest with and vice-versa. If your friends are hiding things from you this may mean that you are not a person they feel they can be honest with, which means you should talk to them about this. BUT! on the other hand, perhaps they just in general do not feel comfortable being honest. In a world where we are taught to be "cool" , be "funny", be "pretty" and fit in honesty is not a quality that is praised very often. Whatever the dynamic in your friendships, not being truthful is toxic. Hiding things from one another means that you do not have a real friendship, in fact it means that your relationship is based on half truths and lies. Honesty is a vital part of healthy relationships and trust and if you want to be a good friend, a friend that can be trusted and a friend who your friend turns to be honest. But! be tastefully honest. Be honest because you care and you want what is best for your friends.
“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
2) GOOD INTENTIONS!Act kindly towards your friends! Too often I have been treated cruel by my female and male friends and it hurts. Friends purpose in your life is actually to make you feel better and bring out the best in you, and that is your purpose to them. Not make each other feel shitty and hurt one another's feelings. You may be thinking that honesty contradicts this but honesty can be good natured. If you find yourself putting down your friend in front of others because other people think it is funny put yourself in your friend's shoes for a moment. A long, long time ago I had a brief night with a guy and the former Ms. J and I went to the pub where he and I had decided to meet up after chatting for a while. While enjoying a cocktail she blurted out to the bartender that I had hooked up with someone the last time I was at the establishment. I looked startled and did not say anything. She was laughing and thought it was hilarious as I sat embarrassed and publicly humiliated in front of the patrons and staff. She then said I should have gone with the joke, as it was my fault she rubbed salt in the wound (as he stopped talking to me), as it was my fault as she broke my trust in front of complete strangers, and as if it was my fault for being hurt by her actions which she deemed not only socailly acceptable but funny. This kind of behavior is mean spirited. It is not funny to laugh at your friends and poke fun at them for amusement. Treat your friends the way you want to be treated and be nice. Like my mother always says "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" this is the best policy.
“There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.”
― Jane Austen, Northanger Abbey3) COMMUNICATION! So here is the thing I have heard time and time again from all my friends is that it is not that people bail (let's face it life happens and people are always going to cancel without cause or warning) but it is the fact that they never say anything, or worst they pretend they are for sure coming and then don't show up. When you do not at least communicate the reason why you are doing what you are doing it makes other people first of all, confused as to what is happening, and second of all, feel devalued. When you ditch out on invitations that is fine, life happens! But, it is not fine to ditch out and then ignore the friend that invited you. It makes that friend feel even worse. But, if your friend who ditches is afraid to tell you then you need to build that area of your friendship so that they feel comfortable being communicating with you. If you get easily offended and say and do mean things when your friends try and be honest with you than you need to realize that your friends are not ever going to have true relationships with you because they can not express themselves. AND! if you are a friend who is just nervous about being honest, realize that things will never change and friendships will never grow if you hide what you want and who you are. Communication is key to all relationships and in particular friendships between women as women are highly more communicative than men in general.
“Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend.”
― Sarah Dessen, Someone Like You4) BE NICE! Do nice things for the people you care about. It does not matter what it is, it can be the simple act of thanking your friends for spending time on a hectic day to cooking dinner for them. Whatever it is show your appreciation. Truth: I tell my friends almost every time after we spend time together that I appreciate their time, because I really do. Tell your friends nice things. Pick them up from sad times. Misery loves company absolutely so kick Miseries Ass with happiness. If your girlfriend is sad than tell her how awesome she is. Help your friends when they need it and completely guarantee if you act with nice words and kindness to your friends they will return these actions ten fold and it feels really great when your girlfriends and male friends build you up, give you a simple compliment or give you a small gift they made it is a really great feeling. Remember this feeling and try and pass it along.
Even longer,' Pooh answered.”
― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
5) DON'T F%CKING GOSSIP! Agh! This is the WORST thing that we do to our friends. Now, I am not encouraging gossip in any manner but it is one thing to bash the mean girl at the office who picks on you with your friends (but even this is not effective or kind). BUT! It is a whole other grade school pile of bullshit if you are actually hanging out with someone and chatting with them all the time but as soon as they leave you talk smack about them. This means you probably do not actually like that person and you are being a total dick. Don't talk behind people's backs. I realized that not all people are going to be your friend, in fact you are not going to like everyone, so if you feel compelled to talk about all the things you dislike about someone, the truth of the situation is most likely that you do not actually like that person and should stop pretending to be their friend. It is one thing if you are concerned about your friend and you ask another close friend what she thinks you should do. (There are some life events that can be over whelming). This is general concern and seeking advice it is not ill intended. Here is another example from the former Ms. J she was always hanging around (and still is hanging around) with a woman that she would constantly talk poorly about. But, to this woman's face she was her regular self. This kind of behavior creates complete distrust in your friendships because if someone is taking poorly about their other friends than they are most likely talking poorly about all their friends not to mention it is just rude.
“What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.”
― Aristotle
SO that sums it up. Be true to yourself and to your friends because you both deserve the truth. But, only if your words are NOT ill intended, act with kindness whenever you can. And, DON'T BE AFRAID if a friend of yours has become someone who IS NOT a good friend and hurts your feelings than walk away. There are so many people out there that are waiting for a good hearted friend so walk away from the negativity and find happiness. AND! If you are one of my friends reading this know that I am friends with you because I believe that you embody the principles above and so much more. That I feel happy that you are part of my life and when you turn your back I have nothing negative to say about you. At this age our friendship is real and I hope that you feel the same way too. Until next week thanks for reading. XOXO
Wednesday, 6 November 2013
Man Stealers Listen Up
http://www.youtube.com/v/sdvBrlacwPI?autohide=1&version=3&showinfo=1&attribution_tag=SYazNm23U3W1TKLbiMCfMg&autoplay=1&autohide=1&feature=share
JEALOUSY, the return of my green eyed monster.
"Jealousy is both reasonable and belongs to reasonable men, while envy is base and belongs to the base, for the one makes himself get good things by jealousy, while the other does not allow his neighbour to have them through envy."
-Aristotle
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-Aristotle
So recently an insignificant moment in time got me jealous. I suppose for lack of a better word here jealousy is appropriate. While some of my friends pointed out that Karma has a funny way of showing up uninvited as I did wait for The American to decide what he wanted whilst in the company of another woman, however, now several weeks into our public relationship such moments take on new meaning. The details of the situation are irrelevant (and this single event is not the focus nor the point of this blog) but it got me to relating all things to past incidents. And, here is the idea that bothers me, and it still bothers me and I have had many conversations with all my friends about it, Ms. K, Ms. M, Ms. A, Ms. J, My Lovely Married friend, and so many more. The situation is: when women, knowingly pursue taken men. There is a wide variety of opinion on who is at fault if anything escalates into a relationship most women blame the man for straying. Honestly I have to say I blame both. I have walked into one of my Mr. X's bedrooms the morning after a fight to find him in bed with another woman, and when I told her to get out, he said "She knew I had a girlfriend." To which she looked ashamed and left. What is going on here women? Why are we the sex that really do not care about one another? Or worse the sex which intentionally want to hurt one another? Why are we NOT the kind of people who say "Oh you have a girlfriend? SEE YA!" While instead we view other women as nothing. This kind of revelation cuts me deep. And, it is not because I feel threatened (clearly the Mr. X mentioned above was a real piece of douchery and I am lucky to be rid of him). But, it bashes my ego when I hear of a woman, knowing I am with my guy and still choosing to put her self available to him. (It is important to note I am not denying being this conniving person in the past but time (alright, alright, Karma) has made me realize a few things that I would like to share). The following three reasons are why when women chase after taken men it is a slap in the face to the women they are already involved with:
"Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me."
- Pussy Cat Dolls
1) It means I am not good enough. If you are actually reaching out in the hopes of taking someone from someone else than you are basically saying that person they are with is not good enough. Hopefully if you are lucky your partner will not be a sleaze and tell the other interested party to take a hike, but sometimes unfortunately this is not the case. I will tell you that I know what both people on this side of the equation are feeling. A long time ago (in land far, far away) I dated a really great man for a few years, but I took said man from someone else. It was not well intended, and it was not kind. It was what I wanted and I did feel like I was better than his current flame. I wanted him so I went for him. However, a few years down the road right when I was happy and comfortable Karma came a knocking. She presented him with a woman who he formed feelings for, in fact (we were long distance for a while) when I went to visit him all of our friends thought he had a new girlfriend. Thus I have been on both the receiving and the distributing side of things. So here is my advice, if you have feelings for someone who you know is in a relationship keep you feelings to yourself. You may be thinking "BUT! I will explode if I do not tell him how much a LOVE HIM." Seriously?? you need to think about EVERYONE involved in your situation. Your words while liberating you are about to have a domino reaction on you, your love interest, their partner and probably a lot of people will be hearing a lot of different sides to a lot of different stories. Look, clearly it is not your time to be with this person or they would not be with someone else. Also, really think about what you are trying to do with your actions, AND REMEMBER all actions have karmic consequences! You are trying to get what you want with no regard of how you are making others feel. (Check yourself!) And, on the receiving end of this equation if your lover tells you a woman has propositioned him, FIRST THANK HIM for his honesty (unless he is being tacky and throwing it in your face to insight jealousy...if he is doing that than laugh and tell him to get f*cked) but if he is actually telling you because he wants to be open and honest than thank him. Not all men will be honest out of fear of retaliation so when your man is make sure to appreciate that. Second, if he is telling you because he is leaving you, than feel appropriately, and try not to throw things at him...BUT! on the odd chance he is telling you because he wants you to know he chose you and thinks your the bees knees well then appreciate that too! This means you have scored a man who realizes you are worth being with and you most likely make him happy. Congratulations. (Inserting flattering note here The American fills all the criteria of a good man and acts beyond accordingly with his honest demeanor).
"R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me"
-Aretha Franklin
2) Disrespect! I will be honest I use to think that we have to DEMAND respect in our relationships through such reactions as being a lunachick and threatening and just in general trying to be scary. I use to think the only possible way anyone would respect me is if they had a little fear instilled of them of losing me (But, perhaps more so what I was capable if we were no longer on good terms). Yes, I know I had a lot of growing up to do and I am still embarrassed about this ignorant attitude. However, here is what we all need to realize. Someone else coming on to your husband, lover, boyfriend whatever title you give them does not have respect in themselves and there for cannot be expected to show you respect. They are however disrespecting themselves and the person they are coming onto. Here is why, the advancer is selling herself short by going for a taken man, she is devaluing her ability to meet the right, single man out there for her and in turn disrespecting herself. She is placing herself in a zone where she is okay with being labelled as the other woman or possibly the home wrecker and all sorts of negative connotations that come with her actions, all of which demean her. The man, who she thinks might be wooed by her charms, is also disrespected here, because it insinuates that he is not in a situation he wants to be in. As such it asserts that he needs an option out and also it insinuates that he might be the kind of cheating scum that would take her offer. Basically it says this man is not really a man who can choose what he wants in his life, this kind of attitude is emasculating. Thus, the unsuspecting partner is not in this equation, in fact I would say the unsuspecting partner is the only one in this equation who has their respect in tact. While you may be reading this thinking that the other person did not respect you because they tried to take your love, I disagree, a woman who can not respect herself will never know how to show other women respect. (Remember I have been both women). AND! Let me tell you if you are the unsuspecting partner and you find out about said other women, hold your head high. There is nothing more trashy than a woman scorned. Don't message said other woman to "Get clarity on details" Trust me you come across as insane and insecure. Don't threaten your partner that "If they ever see them again" You come off as controlling and once again insecure. The truth of the matter is if you know about the situation that is all that you can do. You can not control others and you certainly don't need the details of her affection. Do however realize if your love interest goes the way of someone else it was not meant to be!! Remember you are worth finding someone who thinks the world of you, and if your lover can be taken so easily...well, they clearly did not think that. Don't fight to keep people in your life that so obviously don't belong in it.
"Fake it till you make it."
- Unknown
3) Faking it. So when you come onto someone else's partner you are assuming that they are waiting for something better to come along and that you might be it. (Remember I know). You are really taking away from the seriousness of the unity of their already existing relationship and insinuating that the two involved in the relationship must just be faking along with one another until something better comes along. If you are not thinking this than I am here to tell you this is how the receiving end feels of your actions. You are assuming that the relationship you are trying to end for your own means is not worth keeping a float. This is why when women hone in on my new love interests it is incredibly bothersome to me. So once again if you are interested in a man and you see him involved, EVEN if you see him involved in a terrible relationship (if it is terrible enough he will leave eventually) you need to ask yourself who are you to size up anyone else's situation? You need to realize there are two adults involved in a romantic situation that are both choosing to be in it. And, if the person you are pining for feels the same way about you then guess what? He probably would not be married or dating someone else. I have heard so many stories from men and women alike on all sides of the dating scale from one week of getting to know one another to twelve years of marriage and it is really an uncomfortable phenomena. Also, important to note that you may be thinking that you are perfect for your new love interest but what you don't realize is that the two people together might be perfect for one another, and you may be taken as a momentary distraction of excitement, but that status will not last. If you are able to woo a taken man easily realize it is only a matter of time until you will be the one betrayed.
Basically this phenomena has been weighing on my mind along time. When Mr. BIGmistake was constantly getting calls and texts from the woman he eventually cheated on me with it was unnerving to know she was chasing after him with the knowledge he was with me. So what I am saying is to just act with good intentions. If you see your actions are going to hurt another human being than the chances are high that you should not do them. Respect yourself enough to realize that you are worth more than trying to damage some one else's union and so are they. Also, realize that their rejection can cause a lot of changes for you that you may not have thought of, think of all the consequences of your actions. And, you will fall for someone new and even more amazing who is available I am sure of it!
But it is always right when you start to have insecure thoughts of your own that you will come home to roses on your stoop with a card that literally makes you press the card against your heart as if imprinting those words for life. The American never ceases to making me feel like I have nothing to worry about with him and at the end of the day I know he is the cats pajamas. Till next week XOXO
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