“Double your
pleasure, double your fun, it is better to have two women than one”
My
Dad
RED FLAG. RED
FLAG. RED FLAG!!!
It
is in the beginning of new relationships that red flags are so difficult to
perceive. As discussed in the last blog
about the honey moon period we are blinded by the hope of romance and perhaps
even love. Ms. J recently leant me a
book “Better Love Next Time”[ii] by
J.M Kearns that really got me to thinking about when one should realize that their
current relationship is a dud. (On a completely random side story I was reading
said book at work and had it on my desk whilst at the same time perusing
singles on Plenty of Fish out of curiosity as to what the fabulous world of
online dating might serve up. It is always at these exact desperate looking
moments that the arrogant Staples Delivery man will come right up to your desk
with his order and read out loud the caption of the profile you are open on
while looking at your romantic self help book and having a laugh, amazing.) In
“Better Love” Kearns dictates that we must acknowledge red flags and get out
ASAP. This does not mean if you do not
get his jokes on the first date there is no” lobster” potential. [iii] Those
awkward first date moments are moments you will have with all new people they
are part of identifying similarities and getting to know someone, thus
completely normal to not meet someone and instantaneously understand their
every move. Also, it is important to be
aware of the implicit personality theory and not be ignorant to the fact that
all people are different and not all personality traits are connected.[iv] But, red flags are more dominant around the
one to three month dating period.[v] Recently Ms J had been intentional ignoring
her red flags as the men that she dated are very ‘sweet’ this can be a very
distracting factor, one wants to compromise their relationship needs as their
partner is just too damn nice.
Perhaps because “Women
know
nice guys will wait around for them: Nice guys are nice and patient. They make good friends
through thick and thin and even nurse a girl back to mental stability after the
tirade of wrong guys continuously exit her life.”[vii]
I have been guilty of compromise, time and time again it would
seem. While it would be glorious to say
I compromised my needs for someone nice this has not been the case in the past.
My previous mistake was made because I rushed into the relationship too
soon. Mr. X and I knew each other for
roughly three whole days before he moved to Small Town No Where to be with me,
while at the time I thought it was passionately romantic, in hindsight it was
actually insane. Not only was it insane
it was very crippling to the learning process, when you are blinded by love and
the fact that you are already living together, your friends and family love
him, etc, you are less likely to be aware that you are NOT actually compatible
and should not be together three seconds, let alone three years.”You are better off dating longer and seeing how someone
chooses to grow rather than wishing and hoping, or trying to force someone to
make the changes that you desire. The rule of thumb here is not to get engaged
for at least six months, and to wait another year before getting married. It
will be worth it. If you don’t think so, just ask someone you know who is in
the process of a breakup.”[viii]
(While I am strongly opposed to the
concept of marriage I adamantly support the concept of taking things slowly,
what is the rush, I grow bored of hearing people say they rush into love
because it feels right, because they are so in love, because, because, because
any random cheesy love filled reason.
The true reason is you are being impatient and not true to yourself,
that amazing connection will still be there if you take things slow, in fact,
it may even miracuriously last longer because you have not fanned out the
flames of your new passion by hyperactively dancing on it.) Red flags should
not be ignored: That’s the purpose of red flags. They let you know when danger is around
the corner, and when to make a diversion. I know sometimes the hearts in our
eyes keep us from clearly seeing tell-tale signs, but it really isn’t that hard
to identify a red flag. Simply put, if something the person does makes you say,
“hmmm”, then it’s a red flag.”[ix]
Let me give you my personal example of
my compromises and blatant red flags about a month into my last relationship:
The scene: A friend’s wedding on a beautiful sunny day in beach side
cabanas. Mr. X stumbles back from the
wedding at 6 am (I had left the wedding around midnight) after out drinking
every last person with the wedding and then drinking by himself he comes to bed. I get up at 8 am as we have plans at noon to
meet my god son for the first time and a three hour drive ahead of us, we also
unfortunately had taken Mr. X’s quirky, standard pickup truck so there was no
driving off leaving him a cloud of dust, besides the quirks of this truck I
also am not knowledgeable on the dynamics of driving stick. There was no way Mr. X was getting up and
driving anywhere as he was still blitzed so I sat fuming waiting for him to
wake up so we could attempt to fufill our broken promises. The moral of the story is that we had a fight,
we were four hours late meeting my friend and god son and it should have been a
huge red flag for me of so many things to come 1- his excessive alcoholism 2-
his lack of dedication to my family and friends and 3 – his ‘laid back’
approach to life in general, which I use to term his ‘road of broken promises.’ But I was blinded by my rose colored glasses
and compromised with 1 – he has a good job 2- he is good to his family 3 –
everyone loves him and he is so much fun.
Never compromise like this. “For a variety
of biological, social, and historical reasons, young women often feel fragile
and vulnerable, and hence they are more willing to make romantic compromises.
“[x]
Basically in “Better Love” it is best to find red flags early in the
relationship rather than later after you are drowning in a sea of compromise.
Please, do not misunderstand what I
mean by compromise. Compromising the small things such as he never wipes the
crumbs off the counter and for life of him the laundry hamper appears to allude
him are completely acceptable comprises that one will make. But, compromising for red flags is never
doable. Another example is Ms. J she was dating a man who lived with his
sister, was horrid with money and had substance abuse issues BUT he was super
nice. She realized her red flags were not
worth his kindness but there are those women that see the red flags and turn a
blind eye, and why? Perhaps because compromise feels so natural there are: “ three major types of romantic compromises: (a)
compromising on the overall value of the person; (b) compromising on the value
of the person as a partner, and (c) compromising on the non-romantic activities
within the given relational framework ... It seems that the above romantic
compromises are mainly related to the compromise of the first type: people
compromise on the overall value of the partner in order not to compromise on
the third type, which refers to a comfortable living framework. In doing so,
they may compromise on only some aspects of the second type, such as not
enjoying a passionate love, but they will still gain some of the benefits of
the second type, e.g., having a caring partner.”[xii]
Ms. K and Ms. M are also another
classic example, their men, another Mr. D we shall say is one giant red flag in
itself but instead of accepting this they compromise by saying “What if I never
feel as deep of love again” As we all know “When
love has got you in its grasp, no flag or warning from a friend will stop you
from going full speed ahead. Even if you suspect that opening your heart may
result in getting it broken, you will do it anyway because the lure of love is
so powerful”[xiii] However, in these continued high low points
and if they have existed since the start than they can also be identified in a
very dark way. [xiv]
Let me explain this situation if your man drags you down to a new low the high
is all you are feeling, it is not a new profound love at all, it may actually
be abuse.[xv]
These highs and lows can create serious attachment disorders in both people in
the relationship. [xvi] “The highs are incredibly high, the lows are sometimes a
bit scary, and as a whole it’s a pretty powerful, earth-shattering feeling.”[xvii]
Everyone can see the crazy emotional
rollercoaster and yet they cling on for dear life instead of letting go for
happiness. Basically what I am trying to
say is do not sacrifice your happiness in your compromise. I am speaking from
personal experience here as well.
It
was so enlightening in “Better Love” to understand that red flags, your
instincts, the little voice inside your head, etc was something that you should
be listening to day one and of course! Who better knows the type of person that
is best for you than yourself? No one. Thus
when you inner referee calls the first strike and you think “Oh he it is not
such a bad swing, next time he will line up the ball perfectly and he won’t
strike out again” After his thirtieth strike out it is time to bench this
player in the baseball diamond of love and try your luck with someone new. In fact hopefully you will not watch him
swing that long in the land of compromise, know your self worth, know yourself,
know what is best and go out and find someone that does not equal
compromise. This summer I was at my
family reunion, my older cousin was there and he said these exact words to me
“Everyone settles, I do not know what age it will be for them all, some of them
are eighteen some of them are eighty, but there is one day when you will just
wake up and be tired of the chase...” This conversation that followed was about
his friends that were with people they did not truly care about that they were
not truly happy with but that they just gave up. What a horrifying revelation! I looked at him
said, “That life is not for me, ever” and why should it be? If you ever feel
this way, give your head a shake, we all deserve the best, we all deserve to be
happy and trust me living in a world with a population of 7.058 billion people
there is that person who will be that for you.
In the lovely words of Julie Deply
"Too many women throw themselves
into romance because they're afraid of being single, then start making
compromises and losing their identity. I won't do that."
To descend into a life of mediocrity and misery is just lazy.
This week in my unsuccessful man
hiatus, I have been very unsuccessful in the fact that while having a third
date with Mr. Elevator I also had a date with Mr. Netherlands, now before you
go ahead thinking I am some cheap floozy, which I may or may not be, my date
with Mr. Netherlands ended in a warm hug, nothing more nothing less. Also, I had dinner plans with Mr. Netherlands
previous to meeting Mr. Elevator which of course complicates things immensely. So, I came home from my date with Mr.
Netherlands Saturday night and while it was a fantastic evening I could not
settle my feelings of impropriety. I
tried to tell myself a healthy dating life may involve getting to know more
than one person at a time, and that is when I realized something about myself,
it does not mean that for me. While it
may mean that for many people in the universe I no longer feel right about dating
more than one fabulous person at a time.
So I tried to compare Mr. Elevator and Mr. Netherlands in the hopes that
one would have more pros (given that neither of them have any cons thus far)
but to no avail could I figure out which man was best for getting to know. So I did what I do after my relationships, I
always know I am totally over someone when the thought of them dating someone
else no longer bothers me. So I thought
of Mr. Netherlands on a date with someone fabulous, the thought did not bother
me, it made me happy that he would be with someone grand and I know what he
deserves the best of course. Then I
thought the same of Mr. Elevator and there was the sour twang, that sharp stab
of jealousy, envy, the green eyed monster reared her ugly head and had a little
pout about it. That is when I realized
if I felt this way about Mr. Elevator than I cared for him more deeply, I also
realized that if I felt this way about him being in the situation I put myself
in than I was having double standards and to be frank I was not being very
honest to my morals. If others feel the
desire to date more than one person at a time have at it, but if I do not feel
right about it and hope the person I am interested in feels the same way than
why on earth would I go on other dates with other men? I should not. There is nothing wrong with getting to know
one man at a time, in particular if that man has the dimples of Mr. Elevator.
Also, one must not forget the epic tale of Helen of Troy; it is never wise to
toy with the emotions of two men. Further justification of who I was more
interested became apparent in the butterfly feeling I get hearing from and communicating
to Mr. Elevator, with Mr. Netherlands I did feel very happy to hear from him
and a certain ease on our communication but Mr. Elevator made me a bit crazy
(as discussed in my last blog) I felt myself eager to hear from him, on edge
about how he might perceive my quirky sense of humor and just nervous in
general. This uncertainty is the rush of
the new relationship; it is what I took into account making the decision. But, the main reason why I had tell Mr.
Netherlands that I could not have a second date is because I just cannot be the
person putting effort into two men at
the same time. This is because it first
of all makes me feel bad about what I am doing and secondly it makes me feel
like I am not giving my all too either situation and therefore I cannot expect
either of the men to do the same for me.
Thus, I am putting all my eggs in one basket and if that basket erupts
into a series of unfortunate events than at least I will know I did the decent
thing, I tried my hardest and I can live with that. Also to express here that while I feel this
way I do not expect Mr. Elevator to be thinking the same as me, as I am a
semi-crazy female. I also do not think
such concepts need clarification a.k.a The Talk until much further along in
time. I do what I do for my own peace of
mind.
[i] http://www.google.ca/imgres?q=pictures+of+red+flags&hl=en&sa=X&tbo=d&rlz=1R2BBKB_enCA507&biw=1280&bih=838&tbm=isch&tbnid=c7iQVjqf4j06TM:&imgrefurl=http://kristinemcguire.com/trusting-those-red-flags/&docid=m4guKOu25Li7rM&imgurl=http://bigfishministries.com/kristine/wp-content/uploads/image/RED-FLAG-BUTTON.gif&w=419&h=419&ei=eQzGUNDkD_P7yAHFi4GoDA&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=234&sig=105660013920483651936&page=1&tbnh=142&tbnw=142&start=0&ndsp=37&ved=1t:429,r:17,s:0,i:135&tx=83&ty=81
[iii]
Lobster = A Friends TV show reference to a soul mate. Based on Feebie’s theory that Lobsters mate
for life.
[iv]
“Person Perception: How we form Impressions of other people.” Kendra Cherry.
About.com.
[v] “I
love you....but only on date 14: New Survey reveals when most couples reach
dating milestones” Martha De Lacey, Mal Onling. August 15th 2012
[vi] http://www.google.ca/imgres?q=picture+of+guys+being+nice&hl=en&sa=X&tbo=d&biw=1280&bih=838&tbm=isch&tbnid=-axlH1Rij31GrM:&imgrefurl=http://wayoftheplayer.com/become-a-player/why-nice-guys-finish-last&docid=CL1oT9yeKImV5M&imgurl=http://wayoftheplayer.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/niceguysfinishlast.jpg&w=499&h=401&ei=xCjGUPyIGuffiAKx6IBg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=789&vpy=462&dur=2915&hovh=201&hovw=250&tx=158&ty=83&sig=105660013920483651936&page=1&tbnh=155&tbnw=193&start=0&ndsp=39&ved=1t:429,r:36,s:0,i:197
[vii]
“Nice Guys Finish First; Tips for Nice Guys Attracting Women” Hubpages.com
[viii]
“Getting to know Someone is a Life Long Process: How long does it really take
to get to know someone” Bartin Goldsmith, Psychology Today July 10th
2012.
[ix]
“Things that Make you go Hmmm: Red Flags in Relationships” Serena Khan Loutish
Magazine, March 14th 2011
[x]
Ibid.
[xi] http://www.google.ca/imgres?q=pictures+of+women+walking+away+from+men&hl=en&sa=X&tbo=d&rlz=1R2BBKB_enCA507&biw=1280&bih=838&tbm=isch&tbnid=UXR8r1l31gCjrM:&imgrefurl=http://smarterdatingforwomen.com/2011/04/22/275/&docid=FakpDjTL-jrzVM&imgurl=http://smarterdatingforwomen.com/files/2011/04/woman-walking-away.jpg&w=275&h=183&ei=eizGUK6cAoj-igLj0YDoBw&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=209&vpy=299&dur=370&hovh=146&hovw=220&tx=113&ty=89&sig=105660013920483651936&page=1&tbnh=145&tbnw=216&start=0&ndsp=33&ved=1t:429,r:7,s:0,i:105
[xii] The
Difference Between Loving Someone and Being In Love Bonny Albo About.com
[xiii]
The Difference Between Loving Someone and Being In Love Bonny Albo About.com
[xiv]
The Link Between Adult Attachment Styles, Sex and Love Addiction Alexandra
Katehakis Psychology Today Sept 5th 2011
[xv]
Emotional Abuse, the Most Common Form of Abuse, Kalo Munro 2001,
Psychotherapist
[xvi]
5 tips to identifying emotional abuse Law.com
[xvii]
The Difference Between Loving Someone and Being In Love Bonny Albo About.com
[xviii]
Do women Make More Romantic Compromises Than Men do Aaron Ren Zeev Psychology
Today
[xix]
My eyes which happen to just be green, picture taken by mois.
