Are All Men Sex Addicts?

“God gave men brains so they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties”

-          Hackers

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I have to be candid, I wrote this blog two days ago and living the past few days sans encounters with men I had begun to rethink my position in this blog and thought I should write about something else.  UNTIL this morning I read a message from a guy on POF that I had messaged possibly five times that would make a seasoned prostitute blush, so here it is:

In my dating experiments or experiences whatever you would like to call them I have noticed that men really are sexual creatures.  The amazing thing is the older they get the creepier they become while at the same time the older they get the more impotent they become, strange correlation.  I have truly noticed this lately as I venture out on more dates and have more run ins with the opposite sex that SEX is on their brain pretty much all the time.  Here is a perfect example I am texting with a guy who texted me out of the blue, we have no history, we just met through friends one night a long time ago, texted a tiny bit after and then nothing came of it.  Anyways, out of the blue he texts me and we are chatting and I mention something about getting around from where he lives must be hard.  He texts back “I am hard” Hmmmm, I am all for some fun dirty sexting but really? Not with some random stranger and not in such an odd manner, there was no easing into it; there was no testing the water to see if it is welcoming. But then I am continuing on with life from that point and I meet some more guys who just throw sex out there and I mean THROW it.  They simply ask if I want to have sex, if I want to send them dirty pictures, what I like about sex.  I am beginning to think the only man I can have a conversation that is not about sex is Mr. Suit, and the only reason he does not talk about it is because he never wants to have it with me, which we have both made clear to one another a long time ago. 

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So I became curious if men really do think about sex as often as they express they do, which according to my current attempts at conversation with the opposite sex is about every second text. What is interesting is that “ A study from an Ohio State University shows that the real number is more like every 4,275 seconds, or about once an hour—not so different from how often women in the study thought about sex (about once every two hours). Men in the study were also more likely than women to think about other physical desires, including sleep and eating.”(3)  So if men are not overly thinking about sex all the time than why am I hearing about it? Well the answer is simply: “men were more likely than women to report thinking about sex simply because it’s such a common and accepted stereotype about them. Sure enough, the study found that gender had less to do with how often people thought about sex than whether they felt positive about sex in general. In other words, the more positively men and women felt about sex, the more they thought about it.” (4) Ah ha! Mystery solved.  Men are just more open about their desires than women...but, there must be something more.  I once asked my male friend why men asked women such crude questions that they pretty much knew would get a no answer.  He laughed and said “Well it is a 50 – 50 chance, either yes or no.  I mean ya they are probably going to say no but you will never know they might have said yes unless you ask.” Fascinating that men do not fear (from what I understand frequent) rejection from the opposite sex, it is as though they have begun to accept it as part of their daily routine.

It is this mentality:

“Why do animals hunt prey?

Why do birds fly?

Why did everybody and their grandmother go see New Moon on opening weekend?

Some things are just natural. Men love sex. And what's not to love. There is so much T&A walking around at any given time, moving to and fro with every swaying step. In America especially, daily life is a constant reminder that sex exists and that if you're watching TV, you aren't having it.

Plus, men have this whole conquering mentality. There are a solid 3 billion women on this planet, of which about 2,999,999,999 don't really want to sleep with us, but the truth is, we don't accept that. There's a possibility that all women want to sleep with us so we have the opportunity for sex all the time.

Plus, sex is fun. It can be messy and sometimes come with unintended consequences, but that doesn't stop sex from the being the best release out there on the market.

But whoa there, Nelly. Women want sex all the time too! That's why relationships are so popular. That way women can get all the sex they want without having to worry about being labeled as a slore. Sex is great for the spirit and the mind.

Sex is responsible for wars and is responsible for peace. You can't push the button if you're "pushing the button".

In short, men want sex all the time because, really, what else is there?” (5)

 

Then I realized I was thinking about this situation ALL THE WRONG WAY! I was thinking what is it about men that make them so horny, but what I really should have been asking is what is the difference between women and men that makes me feel this way.  Sorry for playing the blame game there guys! “The underlying meaning is that men possess a much more simplistic sex drive than women, one that responds to exclusively visual cues. Meanwhile, women analyze complex behavioral cues to get in the mood.

Even researchers tend to agree with the image. A recent book, ‘A Billion Wicked Thoughts,’ analyzed millions of websites, erotic videos and sexual searches, and the writers concluded that men and women had far different ways of becoming aroused.

‘The male sexual brain is like a single toggle switch, whereas the female sexual brain is like the cockpit of an F1 fighter jet," Gaddam says, the news source reports. "There are tons of dials and instruments, and there's sophisticated calibration going on.’”(6)

 

The mentality is the difference that I think is the issue that I am running into. There is no coy banter building up to interest. In fact there are in some cases one message of hello before an attack of intense sexual advances from men. But, once understanding the concepts put forth in regards to the male and female mental arousal elements it becomes evident to me that is my problem. I am looking for the mental synchronization with a man, the common ground that is only built once one truly gets to know their opponent in the arena of bedroom games. So it is not that men are sex crazed aggressors but that they are on a different level of timing. They are instantly turned on it would appear and more visual. It is like coffee for example a man is instant, he looks at you, he likes what he sees, he’s horny he puts it out there, bam cup of joe. While women are more like a cappuccino there is a thought of a tasty cappuccino, there is preparation in the making, there is the making of the cappuccino, which takes time and effort, there is also the presentation of the cappuccino. All of which factor into the satisfaction, thus women and men are in two different playing fields once again. Please do not read this and think all men want to have whatever kind of sex with whatever kind of women all the time. That is NOT what I am saying, what I am saying is that once men have decided they want sex from a woman of their standards, which can be ridiculously high, they are more vocal and persistent. I am also not saying that any old sex will do for these men, quite the opposite, I have heard many men complain about the quality of sex they have had, but oddly enough never the quantity. I am not saying I am not flattered by the proposition and I am never assuming all men are going to be the same way, it is just after conversation, after conversation about the same thing and the same words it is exhausting.  You know what would be my biggest turn on right now?  A decent conversation.   But, I have to admit; even with the sexual advances dating is a lot of fun!

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Carrying on with the theme of last week I was curious what dating sites would be considered the best sites.  According to 2013 ratings the following order of online dating sites 1) match.com 2) zoosk.com 3) ourtime.com 4) eharmony.com and 5 chemistry.com.  Interesting, this week my girlfriend suggested I try eharmony for this online dating experience and I noticed no ranking system recognizes Plenty of Fish or OkayCupid.  Hmmm, time to strategize.  So I have decided to take on this online dating experience by trying different sites and seeing what they offer. 

So this week I have been on dates with men from online dating.  We shall call them Online Dating Experiences (ODE) and the number after to keep track of them.

ODE 1: In order to accurately understand the world of online dating I have also signed up on OkayCupid, which from chatting with men appears to be a much better site than POF just from the level of effort men put into their messages, but that is beside the point.  On OKCupid I wrote that I love the TV program Law and Order (which I actually really do) anyways….ODE 1 wrote me about Law and Order, this is the second time in my life I have had a conversation with a man about my favorite TV program, our conversation was followed by a conversation about literature.  It seemed to be going so well.  On his profile he looks like a handsome 38 year old electrician.  So ODE 1 and I decide to meet for a latte last weekend, Friday to be precise.  Unfortunately ODE 1 is not very attractive in person, racist, unemployed, lives with his mother, plays video games religiously, aspires to be a polygamous, oh did I mention racist? The worst part about his racism is that he said “Oh well I am German” Uuuuuuummmmm Excuse me? I AM GERMAN!! And you do not see me prancing around the streets of Vancouver being ignorant because being German has nothing to do with being a racist.  First of all, German people are not all racist.   Secondly, racism is not a genetic trait.   Furthermore, ODE 1 really wants to have a farm, ugh, a farm? I am a city girl.  I LOVE my city, I love living on a garbage route, I love buying things easily, I love socializing, I love, love, love the city life.  I have tried the farm life and let me tell you; while I also adore the farmer’s market I have no aspirations to be a farmer.  So, needless to say ODE 1 is not going to be in my future dating world for so many good reasons. RED FLAG!!!

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What I did notice with ODE 1 is the more you say no to men, the more persistent they become, for example he asked me for pictures of the X rated type before we even met.  I had to laugh and then say “I am never going to send pictures to a stranger I met on the internet.”

Internet Dating Rule 1: Never send dirty pictures to strangers that you have just met online.

But, my answer did not seem to persuade him at all, he just keeps on asking, in fact he is still asking for them.  Get over it bud.  ODE 1 and I met at coffee shop that is about ten blocks from my house, and it was pouring rain this Friday and after our date he did not offer to drive me home, while I would not have let him drive me home it is still rude not to offer a woman a life in torrential down pour.

Internet Dating Rule 2: Never tell strangers from the internet where you live.

Which brings us to ODE 2: ODE 2 was actually an amazing date! He asked me to go to Spa Utopia at 5pm on Friday and that he would meet me there at 6.  So I went to the spa and had a MUCH NEEDED manicure treatment, followed by at 6 pm ODE 2 met me and we had joint pedicures together.  What a GREAT date idea! I loved it! However, did not eat very much before we met up and the aesthetician offered me some wine while doing my nails so I am going to be honest I got a bit drunk.

Internet Dating Rule 3: Never get drunk on the first date.

(Rules are made to be broken right?) So then after our spa treatment we went to his hotel room (do not worry nothing happened physically) we enjoyed some wine with fruit and chocolate and just chatted.

Internet Dating Rule 4: Never sleep with a stranger from an online dating site.

(This rule will never be broken)

We then went for dinner at a nice restaurant, the food was incredible! ODE 2 was very respectful and looked just like his pictures.  After dinner we went to his friend’s birthday at a club downtown.  This is where something strange happened.  I went outside for some fresh air….fine I went outside for a cigarette, I am trying to quit but all the wine did me in.  So I was outside having air and an incredibly HOT man approached me to share my fresh air.  Our conversation went like this:

Him: “Hey, Are you at Library Square”

Me: “Yes”

“Oh, I am headed to the Cambie”

(I laughed) “I see you’re a Cambie man”

It is at this point I noticed a pod of hot men across the road yelling at him so I said.

“Are those your friends?”

To which he replied: “No, no they do not matter, how is your night going?”

We had about two seconds of more small talk and then the pod of hot men appeared more frantic and started waving their arms and yelling and I said “Are you sure those are not your friends?” He looked at them and then yelled “CAN YOU PLEASE JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE!”

Then he pulled out his phone and said “Look I unfortunately have to go but I would really like to call you sometime, my name is ______” To which I said my name and he asked for my number.  Did I mention he was gorgeous? So I gave it to him of course because it is not everyday a stunning man approaches me on the street, unfortunately. At this point in time his friend had walked away so off he ran. 

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Back to ODE 2.  ODE 2 then announced he would like to go somewhere a little more intimate so we could chat to which I said okay so we went to a lounge that I had been to with Mr. Elevator.   There are always those few seconds when you go into a place that you have been with a past flame and you pray to whatever god you believe in that he will not be there.  Do not worry, he was not there! Whew! So ODE 2 and I had two drinks and chatted.  ODE 2 said he believes in bringing the art of dating back, he said dating is lost with men these days, which I mostly agree with.  Interestingly, ODE 2 also writes a blog! His blog is a blog to help men meet and date women in a respectful way.  After our last drink he walked me over to the Seabus terminal where I bought my ticket and said goodbye.  After ODE 2 left the terminal station I went to A and W and bought a large French fries.  This is often my routine when inebriated.  So, I walked to the Seabus eating French fries and content with my ODE stories.  While ODE 2 is very kind and respectful, the chemistry is just lacking.  Also, ODE 2 and I walked by the hotel that Mr. Yukon and I stayed at, well first we walked by the large stone pillar where Mr. Yukon finally made his move, pulling me in behind it and pushing me up against the pillar he kissed me and held my face.  It was a moment I may never forget.  The moment that seed was planted I could not shake it; my date was just going through the motions.  I texted Mr. Yukon and told him, to which he responded “Yes, that is when you finally gave in to my charms” True. But, that was so long ago now, weeks have turned into months.   

Once I stumbled home, somewhat covered in ketchup to be honest, my phone rang.  And who could it be on the other line but the gorgeous man from the street, let us call him Gorgeous George (GG). So GG was on the other end.  He was chatting away telling me his friends had actually left him on the street and caught a cab when he got distracted by me.  I laughed and we chatted a bit more and then we got disconnected.  To which he texted he would call me back, but sadly did not.  Oh well.  I shall never complain about drunken random phone calls from sexy men, never. So this week has been very eventful! I wanted to go on one more ODEs to share in this blog but just have not found the time.   Still having a blast with this dating thing! Will keep you posted on any new, and hopefully better dating experiences in my near future! XOXO

REFERENCES:

(1)  www.sodahead.com

(2)  Bob Duffy pinterest.com

(3)  “How Often to Men Think About Sex, Really?” October 3^rd, 2012 http://www.care2.com/greenliving/sexy-thoughts.html

(4)  Ibid.

(5)  http://www.guyspeak.com/answers/why-do-men-want-sex-all-the-time/

(6)  http://www.lifestyles.com/when-it-comes-to-sex-men-and-women-can-be-a-switch-or-an-iron/

(7)  www.zazzle.ca

(8)  www.amazon.ca

(9)  https://www.google.ca/search?q=men+without+shirts&hl=en&qscrl=1&rlz=1T4ADFA_enCA458CA458&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=ewQ4Ub3nHZLcqQHt6YDgBw&sqi=2&ved=0CEAQsAQ&biw=1366&bih=588