Do You Really Care?

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

As I coast into the half year mark with The American (time sure flies doesn’t it?) we are faced with a short term long distance situation.  His work is relocating him to Tropical Paradise for a few months.  I find myself so happy for him for this amazing opportunity! But, of course saddened that this may also be the end of our relationship bliss.  Of course he has stated that he does not want what we have to end and so have I, but the reality that several months apart is very challenging.  While I remain dedicated and hopeful that in two short months we will be reunited and live happily ever after I also realized that I am really thankful for the time we had together regardless of what the future holds.  I realized something so liberating and exciting during this time of possibilities that I wanted to share thus the following are three truths if you truly care about someone:

"Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it."

1.       Love is not possession.  I use to think that if someone truly loved you they would fight tooth and nail to be in your physical location and would tell you all things relative to them all the time.  This now sounds so ludicrous and possessive.   When you truly love someone you let them choose their happiest option in life and support that.  You cannot control their choice or it is not really their choice to make now is it.  I use to think if someone actually cared they would follow me if I had to move, or travel or whatever, but what I now realize is that if you care about someone you do not make their already difficult life changes more taxing.  When you truly love someone you realize that they need to make choices for their best possible life and sometimes those choices do not involve you.  It is an extremely difficult concept to think that someone who you love and who loves you could be better off without you.  Here is what you have to remember, it is not about you.  It is about what is truly best for them and their life.  Your love for them should be about them and what is best for them.  For those of you who have found this incredible liberating moment in your relationships I applaud you.  Welcome. For those of you who have not found this yet I guarantee when you do your role will just make sense and you will not feel sad about your exiting role, you will be happy that you actually feel real love.  You will also leave a memorable mark in the world if you are someone who loves unconditionally and with support instead of ruling with cruelty and hostility.  You will be a great memory if you remember that things may end but that all things happen for a reason and often endings are great beginnings. 

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

2.       Gossip Free is the Way to Be!  Lately I have heard a lot of my friends b*tch about their men.  I began to feel a bit uncomfortable because all I have to say is how awesome mine is.  All I can say are positive things about The American.  I cannot say that for one second in the past six months I have felt like I do not want to be with him.  This is how it should be.  When you truly love someone you are happy, they make you happy.  You do not loathe the thought of being with them, you do not see them as a burden, you do not see them as hindering your life growth, you do not see them as a totally douche, these are all things that you DO NOT feel towards a person that you love.   Oh, and I know, all those women out there reading this and thinking “But, but, but…” I know you feel wronged, and I know you are just venting, I get all that, I have been there.  But, what I am telling you is when you truly care for someone you do not reflect negative comments about them, you do not tear them apart for empathy to your friends and you do not make them the bad character in your story of love.   When you cease to gossip this means that you truly care about your man.  This may also only come to women that have found self love and have grown enough to realize that gossip does not improve anything.

"Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough and smart enough to let go and move on."

3.       You trust their word.  Trust may also be called respect here but it all boils down to this.  When he says that he will call you after work and you have not heard from him by nine, but he calls you at 9:05 and apologizes for working late you believe him that he was working and respect his dedication to his work.  I use to think that the world should revolve around me.  But, now as an adult I realize that work is hard, life is challenging and that often time slips by without any malcontent, time just gets away from you.  I use to peak at Facebook conversations and just in general had a feeling of anxiety towards the men I dated but not any more.  But, then I realized that is not caring for someone.  That is projecting distrust and a lot of insecurities when you truly care for someone you trust them.  Trusting someone is so scary isn't it?  It leaves you vulnerable, it leaves you exposed, it leaves you open to harm.  But, it is also incredibly liberating to trust someone and it is a must if you truly care for someone, this feeling goes hand in hand with realizing that you must be okay if things might not work out because you just want what is best for each of you.   You do not really care for someone if you are feeling jealous all the time, you are not acting in their best interest you are acting selfishly.  Get over yourself and realize when you truly care for someone it is about them, not you. 

"Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened"
-Dr. Suess

It is often hard to realize what we are doing when we are driven mad by what we think is caring too much.  But, if you are acting toxic in your current fling than you really need to ask yourself “Why?”  and if the answers all come back you than you do not care about the person you love.  Love can become self-focused and self –involved it can become a grey area where you begin to feel that someone needs to change for you, someone needs to make things up to you, someone needs to do things for you, you, YOU!  If this is your intent in your current relationship than I am sorry to say you are only caring about you.  The saying if you love something set it free, is not meant literally, I am not about to set my fat pug free any where and I love him like my own flesh and blood.  It means set them free by not controlling them through your actions and not focusing on yourself.  Freedom has so many meanings.  These three tips are tips that you will only find when you have gotten over yourself and realized that there are two in your relationship, and that both of you deserve to be happy.  It is crucial that you love yourself as much as you love anyone in your life, only balancing self appreciation and appreciation for others will allow you to truly care for others. Thanks for reading!