What I learned from Mr. X

Let's back track a moment to May long weekend, can we say "Wedding overload!" It seems like my Facebook feed was a plethora of newly weds.  Congratulations all you gorgeous new love birds!! Among these smiling faces was Mr. X, not at his wedding, but his sister. This is the first time I have seen his face since our demise, and thankfully there were no feelings of discontent any longer at seeing him. But, it made me realize how much I have learned, what magnificent phoenix has arisen from the ashes from the demolition of our explosive break up. The following are five lessons we learn when we lose in the game of love:

"To love and win is the best thing, to love and lose, the next best."
- William Makepeace Thackeray

1) It is better to have loved and lost.  Once the dust clears from your crumbled heart and you are done floating around all the reasons why the two of just were not right, you come to grips with the fact you loved someone who did not want to love you anymore.  This hurts and for some reason always embarrasses me.  The shame comes from feeling judged and not good enough.  However, all the things which you learned about yourself and love, ONLY AFTER the love is gone makes this experience essential to be whole, not only with yourself but for all future relationships you wish to have.

"Tell me what you want, what you really, really want."
- Spice Girls

2) You realize what you want.  Here is an example which demonstrates one of the main reasons I fell in love with The American. The American speaks so kindly of his sister.  I appreciate this so much!! Mr. X often said "I love her because she is my sister, but I don't like her."   What a horrific thing to say about your blood.  Something I came to realize I really wanted was a man who acted on what he said, and treated his family with respect.   Words often reflect in action and so the dialogue and actions of Mr. X painted a clear image for me of what I did not want to ever have in my life again, but also made me realize more importantly what was important to me and what I wanted!

Sometimes a woman will look back on what she had, not because she wants to go there but to motivate her to do better.” 
― Reuben " Mulah Truth " Holmes II

3) Get what you want.  Failed romances not only teach us what we want but how to get those things.  Taking time to reflect, what went wrong? Why? And what was your role? Are all questions that will aid you in deciphering how to get what you want in your relationship.  Only failed attempts at trying to get what you want will lead you to success, but only after you truly look at yourself and ask where you lost your way.  I can pin point the exact moments I should have left my previous relationships, and even before that where I had lost my way.  Where communication was lost and I had just given up, in giving up I turned to others for the fulfillment I needed from my partner.  This self reflection is vital to develop your relationship skills and be successful in staying healthy and heard in your future partnerships.

"One forgives to the degree that one loves."
- La Rochefoucauld 

4) Forgiveness.  It is not a two way street in the case of Mr. X.  I have forgiven a lot of wrongs and feel good.  However, you must forgive your Mr.X and yourself.  Sometimes relationships drive us to the brink of madness and we say terrible things.  Sometimes people treat you shabby to teach you pain. All poor relationship actions teach us how to be healthy.  Learn from it, forgive, move on.  This lesson applies to new love too, FORGIVE your lover and let go.  One will never resolve relationship issues and move forward if you dwell on past incidents or fights.  Let go, find peace, or move on.

"Never underestimate your power to change yourself. Never overestimate your power to change others."
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

5) Lastly, your Mr. X  will make you realize what you are capable of.   That is right.  Once you have wallowed around in a mountain of your used Kleenexes and empty wine bottles you will wake up one day and realize you are not defeated! While you thought your Mr. X a wretched person for ripping your heart out, you soon realize that life goes on.  Life continued on and your heart kept beating and actually your life got a lot better.  You make amazing goals, you take steps and risk it all on yourself and find that you are capable of anything and in this self actualization you will most likely realize that your Mr. X was keeping you from a lot of actions that you will find define your happiness, enjoy your journey.

Our exes teach us so much about love, heartache, strength, endurance, and success. What they teach us by breaking our heart's are lessons that are invaluable.  So at the end of what you once deemed as cruelty you will come to be thankful.  They free us to learn that we are worth more, and not that we are worth more than them, but that we are worth more than the person we valued ourselves as when we were with them.  They show us a life without them that is amazing, that being single and dating is a blast.  But, most important they teach us the lessons we need to learn to appreciate the person we are truly meant to be with when they finally find us.
Thanks for reading!

Figuring out life!!

Alright! Whew, what a week. As I come home from a "Meet the Parents" adventure with The American from the deserts of America Land to the lush coast of Canada! from running 42 kms to starting my new careerat a large firm, to training for my upcoming 21 kms, life is a real whirl wind of excitement.  But, perhaps it is seeing my family, in particular my father, or falling more into my healthy lifestyle or maybe even the love of a good man, but, something in me has realized a few things that I have touched on before but have been reaffirmed recently and I would like to share:

1) if it doesn't make you happy it doesn't matter.  I use to search for validation in others, social media, etc.  Only to realize living life free of focusing on people and things that never bring you joy is futile!  Focus on those who truly make you smile and feel appreciated, and trust me you will forget all those individuals and things which don't.   My most recent adventures made me realize both travelling alone and with The American have been my best travels thus far as I was not desperately trying to see all the unreliable "friends" who agree to meet ups and then cancel.  Not any more.  Do you know who your life is made to live for?? You.  There is nothing selfish about living it.  Do what makes you happy.

2) don't focus on the negative.  I also use to think about all the things that had not happened in my life, drama and a lot of other total bullsh*t that at the end of the day was just a whole lot of worry lines...no one needs those!!! When things don't work out, let go, find a new path and move on.   Focusing on the old scorched and impenetrable paths of your past are not going to get you anywhere. Instead, try keeping positive.  I can't stand people who constantly complain and never try to better themselves.   Life is about finding your path, it is not straight! It is not clear! It is more of a grown over misshapen labyrinth with a lot of back tracking, but it is yours.  All yours, you are the one travelling it so create a path you prance along hopefully! not a sullen pity party other life roads build over passes to avoid!

3) Life goes on.  Even after your life is over all your loved ones will keep on their lives.  This was particularly hard for me to come to terms with, but you know what? It is true.  I use to be conflicted, should one obsess over death and family illness? Or should one acknowledge that while it is heart wrenching life goes on.  Life does not stop for you to be ready to move on and regroup.  Life continues on like waves in the ocean, lapping the shore and reminding it that new tides are coming.  Tides bringing new life and new challenges and while often we feel beaten by sadness, we must always remember, life carries on, and we must carry on with it to remain a part of our own.
Doing self reflection this week and every layer of actualization I write here the better I feel and the more life makes sense.  Thanks for reading!!

TAKE A VACATION

“Every person needs to take one day away.  A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future.  Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence.  Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.” 
― Maya Angelou, Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now

                                                           
I can give you a million reasons why vacations are amazing.  But, this is a relationship blog not an everything blog.  Here is what I want to tell you.  You owe it to your relationship to yourself, your new friends you will meet, your relationship with new family to explore new places, to completely unwind and to travel.  But, here are three reasons why in your relationship travelling is a make or break scenario.  It reveals so much of your true relationship status and the real nature of the person you are dating.

“No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

1) STRESS!! You will find out if you are the kind of couple who gets lost on windy roads all day only to end up back at your start point and laugh and fog up the back windows...or the opposite.  Travelling will test your limits, it takes you way out of your comfort zone, it takes you far from your routine, it presses you financially and distorts your regular sleep pattern.  All of these things create mental fatigue and increase irritation.  A vacation will expose to you whether or not you are dating the person who can handle you at your most intense moments and say "Okay, stress is stress but this vacation is still awesome because I have you...." or will run to the hills and hope you will have left back home when they return.  I actually know a few ladies who have full on left their significant others while travelling.  They packed up and said "Nope, this is not for me."  In fact I know of a few who did it after and may even be plotting to do it right now.  The truth is travel literally and figuratively takes us places, and if your relationship is strong and meant to be than you will survive the journey I promise!

“When all else fails, take a vacation.” 
― Betty Williams

2) UNPLUG.  On my most recent trip to the sunny desert with The American which I just returned from yesterday, I did something for both myself and for him.  I did not communicate via text or computer.  I unplugged myself.  No alarms, no phones, no nothing and it was....INCREDIBLE!! Not only was I fully engaged with everyone I was around, but I felt a new level of relaxation that I had denied myself for far too long.  Telecommunications is actually grounds for a lot of relationship stress, between women tell me they check their man's phone to complaining about her facebook addiction.  Telecommunications take away from the very core of our relationships which is face to face full on interactions.  Do you know my biggest pet peeve?  People who text while out for dinner.  Seriously??? You are saying that the person you are with is not even worth an hour of your time.  AND! I have heard every excuse as to why people just MUST be glued to their phones 24 hours a day, but do you know what else??  Do you know that before cell phones there was life?  AND it was good?  AND people just phoned one another after they went out and did things?  UNPLUG yourself from technology and plug yourself in to those you love.  I guarantee the outcome
is worth it.

“When people went on vacation, they shed their home skins, thought they could be a new person.” 
― Aimee Friedman, Sea Change

3) EXPERIENCE.  Nothing in this world will prepare you for your life more than experiencing life itself and travelling is an integral part of this growth.  One cannot simply not like a food, place, or person they have never tried to get to know.  The desert is an AMAZING place!! and so is the beach, and so are the mountains, etc.  The truth is this world is full of incredible journeys that are waiting for you.  I DO NOT even want to hear "But..."  that is just an excuse.  It is an excuse you have become comfortable with that keeps you from doing things you want and that is just ridiculous.  There is no stopping me from what I can achieve, nor is there anything stopping you.  You may think finances...well then figure out a budget to allow you to have finances, timing may be your excuse...I don't even know what this means, there is never going to be a perfect time to go out and try living life.  I can tell you my personal experience.  I changed job titles to a larger firm and I never thought "But..."  I just did it.  I went for The American and I never thought "But.." and I have never felt more in the right relationship in my life.  I went for a vacation to the desert and never thought "But..."  and it was the BEST VACATION EVER!!! Denying yourself life experience is the worst thing you can do to yourself, AND to your relationship!!! Share amazing experiences, share life, don't deny yourself the incredible journeys that could make your relationship extraordinary.

“It was exciting to be off on a journey she had looked forward to for months. Oddly, the billowing diesel fumes of the airport did not smell like suffocating effluence, it assumed a peculiar pungent scent that morning, like the beginning of a new adventure, if an adventure could exude a fragrance.” 
― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

Vacations are the best medicine.  Tomorrow The American and I head off to meet my parents, grandmother, and sister is Small Town Nowhere.  It is beautiful and full of beaches, and while I have seen it a million times it will be so exciting to show someone new!  The American and I had a great vacation, and as always it did not feel long enough, there was some stress (for some reason I could not sleep past 6 am the whole week!! My internal clock kept kicking in and would not let me rest), but overall I was in awe of his beautiful, kind, and giving family and the incredible beauty (and heat) of the desert!!
Thanks for reading, now....get out of here and take a vacation! XOXO