Nice Guys Finish Last

"Stupidity combined with arrogance and a huge ego will get you a long way."
-Chris Lowe 

(1) 

Lately I have come to a terrible realisation that I am very attracted to men that the majority of society would deem as complete assholes.  We all have a friend who fits the criteria of what society deems as a total jerk.  He speaks his mind when most people know they should not, he is arrogant and typically self-serving and he can usually be found treating those around him poorly.  “The digging of jerks isn’t a gender problem; it’s a people problem.”(2)  It was not until Ms. M and Ms. J straight up told me that basically in a room filled with men I will always pick the worst jerk and that I for some reason date men that treat me poorly that I realised that I do indeed have a fascination with men that are not nice.  I guess in my case nice guys do finish last.  I wrote about kinds of jerks in a previous blog, this blog is about the worst kind of jerk, the self-proclaimed, un-denying, complete douchbag.  Which of course got me to thinking what is it about cruel intentioned men that I find so intriguing and boiled it down to these three reasons:

1)      Arrogance.  I love arrogance.  Yes, confidence is nice and sexy, but arrogance is a very specific soft spot with me.  Perhaps it is my inner lunachick that drives me to this trait but I am not alone in this desire. “ An arrogant guy doesn't care what other people, particularly other women, think of him. He's confident in his own beliefs and isn't swayed by what a woman says. A lot of times, he can be a real jerk and full of himself. Like I said in the beginning, women claim that they dislike such a guy. However, many women find themselves attracted to said guy without any reasonable explanation. Such a guy is difficult, hard to control, hard to break, unpredictable, and even somewhat mysterious. As Mr. Marley said “If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”   I also believe this applies to the opposite sex as well.  And who is more difficult than the arrogant man? No one.  He is the least easy of all men to attain and be with, every day is a struggle with this type of man.  The challenge to me is very exciting.  But, further more here is what truly drives me to arrogant men; there is some entitlement about arrogance that makes me think “This guy must have something to be so confident about that other men do not have.”  I am not sure if this is a totally lunachick theory but I do know it is what I think.  When a man has no fear and no filter it is startling and intriguing.  It makes me think that this man has something about him that should be heard.  To capture this type of man’s interest and have the fortune of hearing their ideas is something special right? Unfortunately this is not the case.  Arrogance is all they have and their intellect and words are more often than not just self-opinionated theories.

"Arrogance on the part of the meritorious is even more offensive to us than the arrogance of those without merit: for merit itself is offensive."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

 (3) 

2)      This second factor is very heavily reliant on arrogance.  There is something about the asshole that speaks to a part of you that no one else can reach.  The jerk has the ability to say your dirty thoughts in a very arousing way that NO nice guy will ever come close to.  The jerk is not afraid to play around with dirty talk; they strike that nerve with in all of us that makes us blush.  Arrogance has to be in place for this quality as it is overt self confidence that leads to the words that no one with a filter can say.  This trait only exists in the jerk; I am not saying that you can have a healthy happy sex life with a nice, sweet guy.  By all means we all can have that.  But, this is what makes me lust for the jerk.  Most men are nice, in particular when wooing women.  The majority of them say nice things and try their best to get into their panties.  But, the jerk does not waste his time wooing, which is startling.  The most surprising thing about this type of man’s actions is that they are totally not expected but they also are exciting.  I have a crude example I can use here.  I went out for breakfast with a man that I one hundred percent know as a jerk.  I ask him “What do you want to eat”

He answered “Why don’t you sit on the table in front of me….”  You get the point…and he finished his suggestion with a wink and a “You’d love it”   This totally shocked me, at one moment I am reading the menu thinking of what to snack on and the next I have a mental image of him doing what he is suggesting and my skin percolates with sexual tension.  The respectable woman in me is offended and scoffs at him, but the less respectable woman in me cannot stop my cheeks from blushing.  Of course as soon as the waitress comes over he smiles and tells her he knows exactly what he wants to eat but I need a few minutes to decide with a big smile.  Several thoughts race through my mind at her approach, does she know that I am blushing from being turned on by the thought of his suggestion, and is he going to repeat what he just said to me? These moments do not happen with nice men because they are nice, they care about social filters and respect. 

"I''ve got an average house with a nic hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my carMy feet on my table and a Cuban cigar
But sometimes that just ain't enoughTo keep a man like me interested(Oh no)No way(Uh-uh)
No, I've gotta go out and have funAt someone else's expense(Oh yeah)" - DENNIS LEARY - I'M AN ASSHOLE LYRICS 

 (4) 

3)      I am an asshole. “I think this is behind that whole Hot Chicks with Douchebags thing. It is actually, in fact, Douchebags with Douchebags. The douchebags are mating with their own kind! It should not be inherently… surprising that an asshole dates an asshole” (5) I am often an asshole.  I do not know how much explanation I can go into here.  I am overtly honest, I have a high level of confidence, I love to make fun of things and make people laugh.  This is a main reason in itself.  I love a man who can make me laugh, and usually men who are funny are men who do make fun and have enough confidence to be the centre of attention.  When I come across men like this, I think “Perfect! A man who can keep up.”  Being a socialite with a mean streak of honesty and an insatiable appetite for comedy I believe more often than not makes me come across as an asshole.  Therefore, being with a nice guy always makes me aware of my assholery.  Constantly feeling like you are not the “nice one” in your relationship is a real shit feeling.  Here is an example from my Mr. X days, he made plans to go to a mutual friends place, I for some reason said I was not going to which he pressed me to come with him because he did not want to stay out late and needed me to come with him because I was always the reason for leaving early.  That is when I realised I am not the nice one in this partnership.  This was further implied when he told me that I should keep my opinions to myself because my honesty was not wanted in pretty much any social situation.  These kinds of criticism made me feel faulted and like the lesser person.  I felt like Mr. X was a lot better quality of person than me because he was by comparison the “nice one.”  That is when I realised that dating assholes would not make me feel this way, flawed, but rather I could be the nice person – what a thought. Or if nothing else an equal.

“Maybe all men are a drug. Sometimes they bring you down, and sometimes, like now, they get you so high.” 
~Carrie Sex and the City

 (6) 

4)      Kindness feels so good when it is rare. “In fact, some people actually feel special when someone who’s normally a dick is nice to them: it feels like you’ve earned something.”(7)   This is a sad truth of dating an asshole.  More often than note they do not complement you, or are very nice at all.  But, when they are nice MAN! Does it ever feel good.  It is like having a hot shower after walking for an hour in the rain.  It feels so good because you were really just feeling awful.  Dating an asshole takes an enormous self-confidence or lack of it.  In my case, I have healthy self-esteem so it is not my lack of it that keeps me intrigued by this kind of man.  But, there is something about the jerk’s compliment that keeps your heart a flutter.  When I was with Mr. AA he would constantly point out my areas of improvement such as where I would be gaining weight, how to cook food to his preference, it does not matter what I did he always was telling me how he thought I could be better.  To a perfectionist this is incredibly irritating, yet it gives you a challenge constantly to try and have everything perfect.  It also makes the time when he gives you a compliment an amazing feeling! Success! Finally.  To be honest, nice guys are boring. “Nice guys are often seen as a pushover who can't say no to anyone and allows himself get walked on. Because the nice guy doesn't practice being a challenge and says yes all the time, women don't trust or respect them, become bored and eventually turn to the dominant, untameable jerk who can make them feel excited -- not bored.”  (8) Jerks are a constant challenge; nice guys appreciate your actions and compliment you frequently.  Which most people want, however, there is no challenge with this type of relationship.  I find my mind starts to race when I am with a nice guy.  I intentionally push them to their limits just to see their reactions out of boredom.  I get antsy with nice guys and that is the truth.

Dating a jerk is an emotional roller coaster.  But, it is never boring.  It is always exciting but can also be toxic.  Sliding into an abusive relationship can start off as a little trip down the jerk slip and slide.  It is very dangerous.  It would be amazing for me to say that in writing this I am now only attracted to nice guys at the revelation of the danger and the uselessness of dating assholes.  Assholes do not change, in particular if you let them treat you poorly and stay with them.  But, to this day there is a certain allure to this type of men for me.  These are the reasons for my lust for jerks not my justification or avocation to date jerks.  Some women just love jerks, I guess I am one of them. 

References:
1) http://www.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http://cdn.eguiders.com/uploads/Narcissism.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.eguiders.com/exclusive/stephen-colbert-de-motivational-posters&h=480&w=600&sz=40&tbnid=nBiymtZ-8SgI1M:&tbnh=88&tbnw=110&zoom=1&usg=__Og6ZpCtBkD03mVlbAkWC9J3IYPE=&docid=Ob6w9tJ0y-uR1M&sa=X&ei=L-icUefmKeOBiwLn94CoBA&ved=0CDMQ9QEwAg&dur=572
2) Frantz, Ozy.  "Nice Guys Part Three: Why People Like Jerks" December 21, 2011 (http://goodmenproject.com/noseriouslywhatabouttehmenz/nice-guys-part-three-why-people-like-jerks/)
3) https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+arrogance&rlz=1C1SFXN_enCA522CA526&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=0OicUar8KcerjAKhjIGAAw&ved=0CC4QsAQ&biw=817&bih=489#imgrc=uhwV0nTfOj3gLM%3A%3B_ofIO0umt2_LdM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fleaderscripts.files.wordpress.com%252F2011%252F01%252Farrogant.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fleaderscripts.wordpress.com%252F2011%252F01%252F25%252Farrogance%252F%3B240%3B240
4) https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+men&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=IemcUfn8LKLtiwKw64HYBg&ved=0CCsQsAQ&biw=817&bih=489#tbm=isch&sa=1&q=pictures+of+assholes&oq=pictures+of+assholes&gs_l=img.3...1269.3863.0.3988.11.11.0.0.0.0.182.854.8j3.11.0...0.0...1c.1.14.img.9kofIilMYKc&bav=on.2,or.r_cp.r_qf.&bvm=bv.46751780,d.cGE&fp=3bea1578d7ed5739&biw=817&bih=489
5) "Why Women Date Jerks Instead of Nice Guys" (http://thepolyman.com/2012/01/why-women-date-jerks-assholes-instead-of-nice-guys/)
6) https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+men&rlz=1C1SFXN_enCA522CA526&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=yemcUbuNEomiiQLLvIDYCQ&ved=0CC4QsAQ&biw=817&bih=489#rlz=1C1SFXN_enCA522CA526&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=pictures+of+men+without+shirts&oq=pictures+of+men+without+shirts&gs_l=img.3...1196.3822.0.4004.15.13.0.2.2.0.282.1419.10j0j3.13.0...0.0...1c.1.14.img.zTX1Oem2As0&bav=on.2,or.r_cp.r_qf.&bvm=bv.46751780,d.cGE&fp=3bea1578d7ed5739&biw=817&bih=489
7)http://www.experienceproject.com/question-answer/Why-Do-Woman-Go-For-Bad-Boys-That-Will-Treat-Them-Bad--Yet-There-Is-Good-Boys-Out-There/131374
8) Ibid. 

Single is Fabulous!

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship is the one you have with yourself"

-Carrie Bradshaw (Sex and the City) 

So recently I realized that being single is actually really great.  Before this point in time I was sort of mulling over the idea that cuddling and what not may be equally as great.  But, then it donned on me and I realized that no, being single is the best! I came to this revelation based on a large number of criteria, three of which reasons are below:

"Being single is better than being in a relationship with someone who fills your heart with doubt."

-Unknown

1. Judgement Day Shall Never Come.  Yes, that is right.  Judgement from strangers is not really a big deal, they after all do not know you in your entirety and if they are judging you on some shallow notion than they are probably wankers anyways.  But, judgement from your partner can really sting.  The person who is suppose to love you no matter what, and even love your faults is not the one who you expect to be pointing them out.  There is something about judgement from our partner that not only hurts us but curves us from fulfilling goals that we once had.  Don’t get me wrong, if those goals are reckless and may endanger you than perhaps it is best that your nagging partner got you to refrain from them.  But, then again it is your life to endanger however you see fit, of course people that care about you are always going to tell you not to act recklessly.  However, it is not their life, sometimes being care free can be dangerous and that danger is exciting and can make you feel a rush that you are most content with chasing; in fact not chasing it can make you unhappy.  I do hate hearing how men or women have tamed one another, to me it truly symbolizes that they have taken away a truly passionate essence from one another.  Some women are not meant to be tamed.  You may be reading this and in a healthy relationship and think “Oh my partner never judges me.” And that is fine, it is most likely a complete lie, but it is fine all the same.  Because, you never truly experience freedom from judgement until you are single.  It can be something as small as you always buy the type of O.J brand that he likes, until one day single you is at the grocery store and you realize you can buy any O.J or apple juice, or cranberry juice, or pineapple juice, or whatever your heart desires.  And, it is not even the fact that he would be upset over the O.J choice, it is just that you know that he would ask you about your purchase and you would have to answer to him for something you wanted to try.  It is in the moment of singlehood described above that you realize you are able to buy anything without judgement.  You my friend are completely judgement free.  And, this state applies to all actions, all day long, everyday of the week.  My moment of judgment free realization happened this weekend, there I was standing in my panties in front of the refrigerator drinking out of the ice tea carton and it struck me.  No one is judging this moment right now (well except for obviously now all of you readers can).All this week I finally realized that I am completely judgement free and it is fucking awesome! I ate whatever I felt like eating (I do eat healthy) but I could eat breakfast foods for dinner, etc., I could drink wine in the middle of the afternoon (on my days off, never at work!) I had this over whelming realization that I can do anything I want AND I do not have to tell anyone about it.  It is seriously the best feeling ever.  And, I am sorry but you cannot have it when you are in a relationship.  You may, like I did for many years, think you have it, but you don’t.

“The truth is, at any given moment someone somewhere could be making a face about you. but it’s the reviews you give yourself that matter.”

(Sex and the City) 

2. FREEDOM! Yes! Sweet, glorious freedom! This is closely connected to point number one of course but freedom to do whatever you want.  There is no checking in with the hubby to make sure what your dinner plans are.  Nope! If you want to grab buck a slice pizza on the way home from work than go ahead.  There is no attending his great aunts 80^th birthday whatever, if you want to hit the beach or get out of town and visit friends you can.  This freedom is only truly felt if you are also not afraid to embrace doing things alone.  If you are sitting in your place waiting for someone to hand guide you through your life, than you are first of all being ridiculous and second, going to live a very sheltered life.  This freedom of choice and ability also recently hit me.  There I was just booking my trip to Santa Monica with Ms. A and it donned on me I could go anywhere...ANYWHERE!  I realized I had no one to check in with, no one to tell me we had other plans, or my plans were not good enough, or my plans would be plan B to his plan A.  There are only limitless possibilities.  I think you should seriously just take a moment to think about that because it is also fucking awesome!  You do not have to worry about anything but you.  Do you know how exhilarating that is to figure out? If you don’t than I strongly suggest you find out.  On a sort of crazy side note, the more freedom I feel the less I care about societal norms.  So, go ahead and enjoy the possibilities, the imagination, the life that you deserve because trust me eventually one day someone will try and merge their life with yours and when that happens that merging means that fifty percent of your freedom will be gone.  (On another side note here long distance relationships or men that work camp work are truly ideal if you are in a passionate affair with your freedom because their lives will never fully be merged with yours.  I have a long history of dating men like this and actually think it is the best to be frank).

3. Sex. That is right.  You may think you need to anchor down a steady relationship to get some in the sack but that is actually the opposite of the truth.  The longer you are with someone the more tedious somehow sex gets.  It lingers over you like a chore it seems.  My married friends are having less sex than anyone I know I am going to be honest.  I have already touched on the one day a week phenomena in a previous blog.  Now, if you are single, sex is pretty much whenever you want it.  (This may mean that you might have to pay for it, I am not saying that getting it is the easy part).  You can have sex whenever and for most of you who ever you like.  Let’s spare the aftermath conversation of the hook up for another blog.  Isn’t that also fucking awesome? Yes it is.  Here is the thing you can be a prude your whole life and desperately want to have to sex but think that it is slutty, to which I will point back to number 1.  Who is going to judge you?  Not your partner!-cause your single.  Your friends are going to be your friends no matter who you bang, your mother and father (well okay personally I do not think that you should tell them, I don’t) are still going to be your mother and father, your sister (while if she is like mine will lecture you on self worth) is still going to be your sister.  In fact the only thing that is actually going to change if you have sex is that you had sex, and hopefully it was good for you.  And, for all those women who think this liberated view is whorish, well let me tell you, it isn’t.  It is modern.  A healthy sex life is nothing to be ashamed of, if you are safe and it makes you feel good about yourself.  I am NOT saying patrol the streets looking for yourself worth in the sack with some guy, what I am saying is that sex is a perk of being single.  You can have it however you want, whenever you want and you do not need to plan it.  It can just be another fabulous option in your fabulous life.  I would also like to throw in this little disclaimer here you are taking advice from a woman in her sexual peak.

"Maybe our girlfriends are our soul mates and guys are just people to have fun with..." 

Sex and the City

Perhaps it is because I am now fully into the swing of my single life happily that I drew these conclusions.  I realized that with all past relationships there is too much give and take for my comfort level (while some protest that I just not have met the right guy, I say there is no right guy).  Relationships are exhausting so why would I try and fix my current single status if I like it?  Why fix what is not broken?  Whatever the reason is I have reached the point and I realized that I am the happiest I have ever been.  I am totally not insinuating you have to be single to feel the way I do, it just so happens that when I reflect on my life I realize that the only two times I truly came to this realization I was single.  Some women are not relationship material by choice. Thanks for reading! XO  

Trash Talk: The Way of the Exes

Trash Talk: The Way of the Exes

Claire: “It is hard to imagine those two ever loved one another”

Jack: “Passionately I imagine, where do you think all the hate comes from.”

“I am not saying it’s you, no wait a minute, what am I saying?  It is totally you”

-Ms. M (on the topic of breakups)

I was recently out for coffee with my friend Ms.WestSideStory and I got to talking about an old flame of mine.  Well, okay, I was actually expressing my disbelief that this particular Ex was continuously dating gorgeous, super model like women.

  Ms. WestSideStory laughed and said

“Of course you feel that way! Everyone feels that way about their Ex.  Guys too, your Exes do not want to see you flaunting around with some hot young man either.” 

This thought had never occurred to me.  I had never for a moment thought of my exes caring about anything I had done post break up...but then again I always assume men do not think the same way as women.  Of course, this got me to thinking about all the men and women I had seen post break up and what they had said or done.  Then it came to me! The one constant between the sexes: trash talk.  On the male side it was always she is: “crazy”,” a bitch”,” a slut”, etc. you get the drift.  Always some terrible name to describe some lady they had once described as their perfect match.  (I am not saying all breakups end with these words, but in my experience the majority of them do.)  On the female side of this subtracted equation I always hear he is an “idiot”,” an asshole”,” a jerk”, but personal favorite term would have be “douche.”  All negative words demeaning a man they once respected and admired.  What happens to us during the end of a passionate affair, which more often than not, leads us to wanting to claw each other’s eyes out?  Is it rejection? Jealousy? Or is it just the pain of losing?  There is no denying that break up culture is everywhere, in our social networks, literature, mass media, movies and endless songs. 

“And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back I hope you feel it.”

-Alanis Morresette

 “Oh no he was perfect.  He was always nice and amazing, but I just did not want to be with him” or “No she was super hot and awesome but I was not into her anymore” said no one about their Ex ever.  (Unless they are still in love with their Ex than favorable terms may be thrown in their direction.  However, more than likely the trash talk ensues.)  Trash talk that typically involves you absolving yourself from any wrong doing and painting a portrait of your ex as completely mad and tragic.  Let’s reflect on popular culture in order to fully understand what I mean by this inevitable trash talk phenomena.  The following are some song lyrics for reference:

1)     “Mad woman, bad woman, that’s just what you are, ya, you smile in my face and rip my breaks out my car.” –Bruno Mars Grenade

2)     “She fucking hates me” Puddle of Mudd She Hates Me

3)     “Well if I were richer, I’d still be with her.  Ain’t that some shit”  Celo Fuck You

4)     “You PMS like a girl I should know” Katy Perry Hot and Cold

5)     “So since I'm not your everything
How about I'll be nothing, nothing at all to you?
Baby I won't shed a tear for you (I won't shed a tear)
I won't lose a wink of sleep (A wink of sleep)
'Cause the truth of the matter is
Replacing you is so easy, hey...”-Beyonce Irreplaceable

6)     “Right now he's probably slow dancing with a bleached-blond tramp,
and she's probably getting frisky...right now, he's probably buying her some fruity little drink
'cause she can't shoot whiskey...
Right now, he's probably up behind her with a pool stick,
showing her how to shoot a combo...

And he don't know...

That I dug my key into the side
of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive,
carved my name into his leather seats...
I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights,
slashed a hole in all 4 tires...
Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats.” – Carrie Underwood Before He Cheats

7)     “You’re so vain, I bet you think this song is about you” –Carly Simon You’re so Vain

8)     “Now all I want is my Patsy Cline C.D

How I’ve waited for today

When I could finally say

You Jerk

How come jerks don’t know their jerks” –Kim Stockwell Jerk

9)     “I just want to kick you until you cry how much you really love me” –Wild Strawberries I don’t want to think about it

10) “Your just like a pill instead of making me better, you keep making me ill” Pink-Just Like A Pill

These are ten songs out of the millions songs that exist out there that attempt to capture the antagonist of the break up story, the Ex.  And what is it about heart ache that makes most human beings lash out. Perhaps it is because step three of the healing process of heartache is “Anger and Bargaining- lashing out is a common form of attempting to release all unspoken emotions. This is the stage where the “why why why?!” questioning comes in. The pleas for returned love run rapid, trying to bargain with fate or with the person who was just lost.  [1]  Maybe it is because this lashing out feels so great when it is following steps one and two (1) Denial and 2) Pain.)  But, it is step three, RAGE that can be the most addictive.  Anger following pain feels so much more empowering doesn’t it?  It makes you feel like King Kong of your emotions after crying your eyes out.  You are now in control.  You own this, and you are going to make damn sure no one takes that away from you.  But if you are fortunate just as pain gradually fades, so does anger.  However, anger has the power to stay longer and linger in your memories much more vividly than pain.  Of course, letting go of that anger is the best for everyone involved unless you want to become :” A "rageaholic", or "anger addict", is a person who gets excited by expressing rage, or a person prone to extreme anger with little or no provocation.^[1] While "rageaholic" is not a formal medical diagnosis, it has been developed as a lay psychology term by counselors and anger-management groups seeking to help people who are chronically angry and who compulsively express fits of rage. There are also 12-step programs for dealing with rageaholics, such as Rageaholics Anonymous in Los Angeles, California, United States (US).[2]   Let’s face it; no one in their right mind wants to be an anger addict.

Or perhaps the vicious tongue spawned from break ups is it born out of the fact that hate and love are so closely linked: “Love and hate are intimately linked within the human brain, according to a study that has discovered the biological basis for the two most intense emotions.

Scientists studying the physical nature of hate have found that some of the nervous circuits in the brain responsible for it are the same as those that are used during the feeling of romantic love – although love and hate appear to be polar opposites.

A study using a brain scanner to investigate the neural circuits that become active when people look at a photograph of someone they say they hate has found that the "hate circuit" shares something in common with the love circuit.

The findings could explain why both hate and romantic love can result in similar acts of extreme behaviour – both heroic and evil – said Professor Semir Zeki of University College London” [3]  This makes sense, where once the intense emotion of love was is empty only an emotion as strong as anger could possibly make that void feel whole again.   Of course this anger can only fill this void until your heart has healed, holding onto anger will only fill your heart with it, and then where will new love go?

I have however also found more often than not I hear these words “I made a mistake” or “I should have treated him better” and my personal favorite is “What was I thinking? I lost great guy”  Yes, yes we have all felt this way about someone at some point in time but crying over spilt beer does not make it any less spilt. Unfortunately the vivid emotions paired with break up remorse do not build a time machine and take you back to correct your wrongs.  Instead just take that life lesson and move on, and trust me if you have truly learned from it, the next time an amazing person is in your life you will not make it again. Also, I noticed, I have dated one or two men that have maliciously described their Exes as lunachicks.  This is now a RED FLAG, any person who has only negative comments about their exes will have negative comments about you one day when you are on that side of the fence.  Also, not EVERY ex can be crazy, so if you dating someone who expresses the misfortune of only dating crazy chicks than you are dating someone who is most likely full of shit.  I have been both the ex that made a man feel like not all women are awful and vice versa and have had the same experiences with my exes.  The thing is that everyone is different so you cannot say ALL men or ALL women are any one way, there is always going to be one of them swimming against the current.   So, my point here is that while you are at first listening with eager ears to him bashing his Ex because you want to be better than her, she was just like you at one point in time.  That nice Mexican restaurant you go to on date nights was her idea and they use to do the same thing.  That awesome trip you went on, they did it too.  At night when you think he has never felt the way he does about you for anyone else, well he has. Also, that amazing thing he does in the bedroom...well you get the point.  A woman before you is most likely the reason behind a lot of the actions and things you love about your man and the same goes for men.  So before you are so quick to listen to the harsh words about a woman that you do not even really know you should realize that she has walked a mile in your shoes and endured something that you have not.  Unless she is throwing a curve ball into your dating game, than you should talk about something better.  Like Eleanor Roosevelt said: “Great minds discuss ideas, Average minds discuss events, and small minds discuss other people.”  Also, while you are hanging on his every ugly and spiteful word you may want to remember that one day you will be who he is describing so cold heartedly and decide if you really want to be with someone who could talk so poorly about someone he supposedly use to love.

“Sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead”

-Adele

A last interesting fact: “As researchers have dug deeper into the roots of rejection, they’ve found surprising evidence that the pain of being excluded is not so different from the pain of physical injury. Rejection also has serious implications for an individual’s psychological state and for society in general.[4] For myself I have to admit my driving force is pain.  I have trash talked the hell out of a few Exes because my heart was broken and apparently oozing very unfortunate words while mending.  But once the pain is gone, so are these words.  I am not saying this is right at all but this is what I have done.  There is something so victorious about cutting your Ex with your sharp little tongue and watching him wince in pain as he is speechless.  “I win!” You think.  But, unfortunately this victory is short lived; because once the pain has healed you realize you acted somewhat atrociously.  How you act once you realize this is entirely up to you, but I have always turned around and apologised myself. You do not trash talk you Ex to make yourself feel better; you do it to make them look and feel bad.  It is negativity coming out in the worst way possible out of a place that most of the time you do not even recognize.  We do these things, not because we want anyone to feel good about our pain, but the opposite, we want the person responsible for that pain to suffer.  We want them to not only be aware of our distress but to also feel it the way we do.  And for what end?  So that you have succeeded in making someone feel as badly as you do?  When thinking about the reasoning these actions themselves seem pretty heinous.  New epiphany: attempting to not speak in spite to exes but instead am going to keep cool and nice.  Also, in this new epiphany something even more satisfying revealed itself.  Not being crazy and emotional effects your ex more than becoming a lunachick.  I win.  Just kidding!! Seriously though,  do what makes you feel best about your actions, because at the end of the day you are the one who has to look yourself in the mirror everyday, not your ex.  Always remember they are your ex for a multitude of reasons and while those reasons have helped you learn a lot about who you are it in no way defines you.  Thanks for reading! XO

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[1] http://www.science20.com/variety_tap/science_behind_heartbreak-33900

[2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rageaholic

[3] http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/scientists-prove-it-really-is-a-thin-line-between-love-and-hate-976901.html

[4] http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/rejection.aspx

Sorry = 5 Little Letters With Too Much Meaning

Sorry 
Is all that you can't say 
Years gone by and still 
Words don't come easily 
Like sorry like sorry

-        Tracey Chapman

I have recently realized I have an issue with three little words “I am sorry.” It is not that I do not think that they do not have their time and place it is just that they connoted a certain level of regret that is not always intended.  The truth is when I use the word sorry it does not always have meaning.  I say sorry when someone walks into me on the train, but what I really mean is “Excuse you.”  I say sorry when I bump hands with a stranger over a snack table, but what I really mean is “You go first.”  There are a million instances that we use sorry every day in so many different ways it is hard to tell the true meaning of the word.  However, the origin of the word sorry is from: “Old English sarig ‘distressed, full of sorrow,’ from West Germanic *sairig-, from *sairaz ‘pain’ (physical and mental); related to sar (see sore). Meaning "wretched, worthless, poor" first recorded mid-13c. Spelling shift from -a- to -o- by influence of sorrow. Apologetic sense (short for I'm sorry) is attested from 1834; phrase sorry about that popularized 1960s by U.S. TV show "Get Smart."[1]   In regards to this background using sorry for sorrow I completely understand.  We say it to comfort someone that our heart aches for during times of loss.  This use of the word I completely understand.  But what I do not know is why these three little words are thrown around so lightly one moment and so heavily the next.  I have began to feel like I am saying sorry so much that it has lost its value and meaning.  It certainly does not apply to all the situations I use it on, on a daily basis so I got to wondering if anyone else there was feeling the same way.

I found that research indicates:

“People with low self-esteem, for example, were less inclined to apologize, even though they probably feel bad after a conflict. Unlike people who experience guilt about a specific action and feel sorry for the person they have wronged, individuals who experience generalized shame may actually be feeling sorry for themselves.
In contrast, ‘people who are sure of themselves have the capacity to confess to wrongdoing and address it,’ ... But just the right amount of self-esteem is key...also... narcissists—people who..., ‘are very egocentric, with an overly grand view of themselves’—were reluctant to offer an apology.. a strong sense of justice was negatively correlated with a willingness to apologize, perhaps suggesting that contrition and an ‘eye for an eye’ philosophy are incompatible. Reconciliation may end a conflict, but it cannot always settle a score.” [2] Of course reading this information made me question where I would fit in this spectrum from narcisst to empath.  It is not that I do not want to admit my wrong doing or my sympathy to others, but it is more so that I feel like sorry is the wrong word.  Or more so that sorry is not an in depth enough explanation.  When someone loses a loved one I feel the word sorry is so popular that its usage may come off as insincere, or even that those in pain are exhausted from hearing it.  At the end of relationships when people say sorry I feel that they should not be sorry.  At least they tried and that is all one can do in those situations.  I strongly feel it is not their fault if they are not interested in me or whoever they are dating.  Everyone has different dating preferences and it is actually a blessing if someone you are not compatible lets you go as you can move on to someone more suited for you or spend some much needed time alone.  But I suppose if someone broke up you and said “You’re Welcome” this would go over horribly. 

“It takes a strong person to say sorry, and an ever stronger person to forgive.” - Unknown

What is interesting is that “Almost everybody has a hard time apologizing if they feel ‘over accused’, that is, pushed to assume more than their fair share of the blame. As one man put it, ‘When my wife criticizes me, I don’t want to apologize because I feel like I’m putting my neck on the chopping block. If I apologize, I’m agreeing with her that I’m the whole problem. And that’s not true.’ If your partner experiences offering an apology as a blanket statement of his culpability or inadequacy he won’t be able to do it.”[3]  I have definitely felt this way and will admit in the past I have treated people this way, but not in a long time.  I will tell you when I use to expect apologies it was not because I felt they were warranted, it was merely because I wanted control, and I wanted others to give in.  But, now I know it is a struggle when you are the only person who is always apologizing to a friend (or lover) who thinks that you have done them wrong.   In this scenario it becomes difficult to understand if the receiver of these endless apologies is actually offended or just wants to control you.  It feels like you are letting them take away any control you have over your own emotions and feelings if you are constantly the only one apologizing for everything.  I think of this as an issue similar to a non-apology: “You also should not give a non-apology, or an apology that is void of responsibility. If you say, "I'm sorry you feel that way" it doesn't address the underlying issue or make your friend feel better. In this example, avoid starting off with an apology but probe to find out what the issue really is and talk it through. When you discover the real problem, you should acknowledge your friend's hurt.”[4]  An apology to me is accepting my part of the situation.  In saying sorry I am acknowledging my own blame and moving forward.   But, I also believe that apologies over how you feel about something are not appropriate.  For example if someone feels a certain way, they just do, there are no reasons anyone should be sorry for emotions.  Unless their emotions lead them to act like a mad woman, then of course, they should be sorry for their lunachick actions.  But, I do not believe emotions should be something we apologize for.

“A real man has no tougher judge than himself” -  James Grippando

As usual I had to wonder if men or women were more prone to accepting blame and apologizing (although I am pretty sure we all know it would be women).  So, “If you think you hear women saying ‘I'm sorry’ more than men, you're right. Women apologize more often than men do, according to a new study.’ Men aren't actively resisting apologizing because they think it will make them appear weak or because they don't want to take responsibility for their actions,’ said study researcher Karina Schumann, a doctoral student in social psychology at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada. ‘It seems to be that when they think they've done something wrong they do apologize just as frequently as when women think they've done something wrong. It's just that they think they've done fewer things wrong... Men were also less likely to report being victims of wrongdoing. This led the researchers to investigate whether men are just not offended as easily, and less likely to think they've done something objectionable.”[5] Fascinating and informative information about the opposite sex in regards to apologies.  This same study also found: “Recognizing that men and women may perceive situations differently may help the genders to get along. ‘Neither men nor women are wrong when they disagree about whether or not an offense has occurred or whether or not an apology is desired,’ Schumann said. ‘It's just that they have different perceptions of an event that has occurred between them."[6]  All the times that I have been seriously pondering if men do not get that they should say sorry are explained.  While I assume the longer you know someone that you would know their expectations of what warrants an apology and what does not.  The more I research the unknown about men to me the more I understand them and feel less resentment over things in the past that would have bothered me.  Knowledge is peace of mind.

“Sorry I accidentally cc:ed you on an email insulting you.” – Unknown

Lastly, I also apologize at work which a whole different arena of the words “I am sorry.”  I typically say “Oh, sorry about that, I will fix this right away” in regards to project errors.  This type of sorry is my own acknowledgment of a mistake made in a professional manner.  I never argue with my coworkers or boss, even if the mistake is someone else’s, I take the project on and fix it.  There has been no time in my career when an argument about mistakes has been justified.  Honestly I cannot think of anytime professionally that this is not the proper response unless the mistake is about to get you canned.  Honesty is always the best policy. “Be honest. If your goof was simple inattention, mind fog or carelessness, admit it. If your mistake was more serious -- such as failing to follow instructions -- prepare to explain why. Calm down, don’t be overly emotional and don’t beat yourself up, but acknowledge what you did wrong and address the fallout from your mistake. Figure out if there is a way that you can fix the mistake or make restitution. Offer to work overtime, for instance, to complete an unfinished project... Promise to improve. While you can’t actually promise that you will never make mistakes again, you can at least promise that you will work on fixing the carelessness or other fault that resulted in this mistake. Then do it. Begin immediately to demonstrate your efforts to change and improve. Once you have apologized, move on and don’t dwell on your mistake. If you aren’t fired because of your error, thank your boss for her faith in you.” [7]  This is great professional advice to live by.   

Really, I do not know when apologies are warranted or not, I over apologize and want a more sincere way of apologizing when I mean it.  I guess I am feeling confused about the lack of expressive vocabulary. 

I am taking another week to skip on blogging about my specifics due to the death of a dear friend.  He was a great friend and a soul mate to a wonderful woman.  The death of a loved one shakes us to the core.  It makes you realize all the trivial fleeting moments and nonsense of your own life.  This week I told all my loved ones how much they truly meant to me and made sure that I had tried to mend all my burned bridges.  Life is too short to hold grudges and foster negative emotions.  I looked back on my life and realized that while others may not forgive and forget, I had tried my best with the people in my life and let go of the past.  There is nothing in the past worth harbouring that is not positive.  I also started to train for a half marathon (21 km) that I am hoping to run in June.  Accomplishing life goals like this and excelling at my job are top priorities.  Losing someone you care about has different impacts on different people.  This loss made me realize that making my life a life that I enjoy to the fullest is what is really important.  This has taught me that acceptance and going with the flow of life is inevitable.  Sending love and support to all those who were touched by his life, and my everlasting friendship to his soul mate.  “Love like you will never get hurt” as you never know what tomorrow has in store.

“In sorrow we must go, but not in despair. Behold! we are not bound for ever to the circles of the world, and beyond them is more than memory.” 
― J.R.R. Tolkien

 RIP Robert you will always be loved and missed.

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[1] http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?term=sorry

[2] http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=im-not-sorry

[3] http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-dance-connection/201207/dont-demand-apology

[4] http://friendship.about.com/od/Conflicts_With_Friends/a/When-You-Should-Not-Apologize.htm

[5] http://www.livescience.com/8698-study-reveals-women-apologize.html

[6] Ibid.

[7] http://work.chron.com/apologize-mess-up-work-4945.html