TAKE A VACATION

“Every person needs to take one day away.  A day in which one consciously separates the past from the future.  Jobs, family, employers, and friends can exist one day without any one of us, and if our egos permit us to confess, they could exist eternally in our absence.  Each person deserves a day away in which no problems are confronted, no solutions searched for.  Each of us needs to withdraw from the cares which will not withdraw from us.” 
― Maya Angelou, Wouldn't Take Nothing for My Journey Now

                                                           
I can give you a million reasons why vacations are amazing.  But, this is a relationship blog not an everything blog.  Here is what I want to tell you.  You owe it to your relationship to yourself, your new friends you will meet, your relationship with new family to explore new places, to completely unwind and to travel.  But, here are three reasons why in your relationship travelling is a make or break scenario.  It reveals so much of your true relationship status and the real nature of the person you are dating.

“No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.” 
― Elbert Hubbard

1) STRESS!! You will find out if you are the kind of couple who gets lost on windy roads all day only to end up back at your start point and laugh and fog up the back windows...or the opposite.  Travelling will test your limits, it takes you way out of your comfort zone, it takes you far from your routine, it presses you financially and distorts your regular sleep pattern.  All of these things create mental fatigue and increase irritation.  A vacation will expose to you whether or not you are dating the person who can handle you at your most intense moments and say "Okay, stress is stress but this vacation is still awesome because I have you...." or will run to the hills and hope you will have left back home when they return.  I actually know a few ladies who have full on left their significant others while travelling.  They packed up and said "Nope, this is not for me."  In fact I know of a few who did it after and may even be plotting to do it right now.  The truth is travel literally and figuratively takes us places, and if your relationship is strong and meant to be than you will survive the journey I promise!

“When all else fails, take a vacation.” 
― Betty Williams

2) UNPLUG.  On my most recent trip to the sunny desert with The American which I just returned from yesterday, I did something for both myself and for him.  I did not communicate via text or computer.  I unplugged myself.  No alarms, no phones, no nothing and it was....INCREDIBLE!! Not only was I fully engaged with everyone I was around, but I felt a new level of relaxation that I had denied myself for far too long.  Telecommunications is actually grounds for a lot of relationship stress, between women tell me they check their man's phone to complaining about her facebook addiction.  Telecommunications take away from the very core of our relationships which is face to face full on interactions.  Do you know my biggest pet peeve?  People who text while out for dinner.  Seriously??? You are saying that the person you are with is not even worth an hour of your time.  AND! I have heard every excuse as to why people just MUST be glued to their phones 24 hours a day, but do you know what else??  Do you know that before cell phones there was life?  AND it was good?  AND people just phoned one another after they went out and did things?  UNPLUG yourself from technology and plug yourself in to those you love.  I guarantee the outcome
is worth it.

“When people went on vacation, they shed their home skins, thought they could be a new person.” 
― Aimee Friedman, Sea Change

3) EXPERIENCE.  Nothing in this world will prepare you for your life more than experiencing life itself and travelling is an integral part of this growth.  One cannot simply not like a food, place, or person they have never tried to get to know.  The desert is an AMAZING place!! and so is the beach, and so are the mountains, etc.  The truth is this world is full of incredible journeys that are waiting for you.  I DO NOT even want to hear "But..."  that is just an excuse.  It is an excuse you have become comfortable with that keeps you from doing things you want and that is just ridiculous.  There is no stopping me from what I can achieve, nor is there anything stopping you.  You may think finances...well then figure out a budget to allow you to have finances, timing may be your excuse...I don't even know what this means, there is never going to be a perfect time to go out and try living life.  I can tell you my personal experience.  I changed job titles to a larger firm and I never thought "But..."  I just did it.  I went for The American and I never thought "But.." and I have never felt more in the right relationship in my life.  I went for a vacation to the desert and never thought "But..."  and it was the BEST VACATION EVER!!! Denying yourself life experience is the worst thing you can do to yourself, AND to your relationship!!! Share amazing experiences, share life, don't deny yourself the incredible journeys that could make your relationship extraordinary.

“It was exciting to be off on a journey she had looked forward to for months. Oddly, the billowing diesel fumes of the airport did not smell like suffocating effluence, it assumed a peculiar pungent scent that morning, like the beginning of a new adventure, if an adventure could exude a fragrance.” 
― E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly

Vacations are the best medicine.  Tomorrow The American and I head off to meet my parents, grandmother, and sister is Small Town Nowhere.  It is beautiful and full of beaches, and while I have seen it a million times it will be so exciting to show someone new!  The American and I had a great vacation, and as always it did not feel long enough, there was some stress (for some reason I could not sleep past 6 am the whole week!! My internal clock kept kicking in and would not let me rest), but overall I was in awe of his beautiful, kind, and giving family and the incredible beauty (and heat) of the desert!!
Thanks for reading, now....get out of here and take a vacation! XOXO

3 Men to Avoid

"Bad idea alert."

- Unknown

Recently I was on the bus and witnessed a battle royal with the bus driver and a very rude patron.  This got me to thinking two things: 1) I could never be a bus driver and 2) one should never date their bus driver.  Thought number two came to me as I began think what would you do if you had a bad break up with someone you depended on every day for a crucial service.  This led me to write the following advice on what men in your life that one should not date:

"People in your life may be acting a bit crazy now, but don't let it get under your skin. Just because others are off in the deep end doesn't mean you have to join them there. Stay in safe waters and do your thing."
- Unknown

1) The bus driver on your route.  Now if your life does not count on public transit than this limitation should not apply to you.  However, if you are someone who does the daily commute than it is best to avoid your bus driver.  I am sure that there is some kind of bus driver hand book that does not allow them to date their patrons but just in case there is not and you are thinking about it I say "Don't do it."  Why?  You may ask, while at first it would all be sunshine, lollypops, and rainbows, as he picks you up each morning and takes you to work.  How cute.  One day you realize that he is not the man for you, and unfortunately instead of being very, very, grown up about it you two have one of the messiest breakups in the history of mankind.  Let's say you lost your mind and broke his things and now have extreme break up remorse, longing to never face him again you trudge to work, as you can no longer catch the bus, you have a nice hour and half walk to think about things...real nice.  One may also think that you can catch a different route, this is all good, except bus drivers are constantly changing their routes and filling in for others.  In a different scenario let's say he turned into Mr. Clingy and you pried yourself off of his love sucking tentacles in a rather public display that left him seething with post break up rage, the following day when you do try and catch the bus he drives right by you making you late for work.  Or, perhaps he announces on the bus intercom personal and embarassing details about you....awkward.  The truth is I have no idea what your break ups might be but I can imagine a million and one scenarios where breaking the bus driver's heart will disrupt your life, so if you count on him for your daily commute best to befriend him and draw the line there.

“You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.” 
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

2) Your mail man.  I have to be honest, I have never dated my mail main and he appears to have no real interest in delivering heavy items to my house.  Which is slightly irritating given I do not have a car nor a lot of upper body strength...but this got me to conceptualizing a world in which the mail man actually had a method to his madness.  In fact if you had a bad break up with the man who brings your important news what would this mean.  I know it is a federal offence to tamper with someone's mail, but I have also seen lunachicks in action that are not phased by the word illegal.  I am sure at first it would be all cute and cuddly, he would bring by your mail and you give him a nice tall glass of lemonade as you flirt for a moment on his route, but then things go sideways, and all your important online ordered gifts start arriving two weeks after their important scheduled dates, and you begin to notice that your choice to engage your mailman was not one of wisdom as you research P.O Boxes in your neighborhood.  My advice here is think about the long term effects of your comfort zone and dating.  While in an ideal world breakups would all be amicable and life would be easy, but let's be real, the majority of break ups are messy with scorn.

“To be rejected by someone doesn't mean you should also reject yourself or that you should think of yourself as a lesser person. It doesn't mean that nobody will ever love you anymore."
- Jocelyn Soriano, Mend My Broken Heart

3) Your neighborhood watch.  I once had a roommate who had a very disturbing tale of an ex who was a police man.  And, I am never saying all men are the same, nor are all police.  However, the possible consequence of a tragic break up with a man in power should be a given.  Perchance you have the unfortunate luck of being in a small hit and run incident, your adrenaline is pumping, you are in shock and there he is your knight in shinning armor...while I am sure there is a 5-0 handbook that does not allow this profession to date in these situations, we are human.  However, a month down the road when the nostalgia wears off you realize your knight in shining armor is more a dud in a tin foil hat and you end things and move on.  There are a million and one reactions to your actions that I could go into here but I will just warn you to cautiously tread where the men of your life which you count on are present and spread friendship where these men are involved...nothing else.

With millions of men in this world try dating men that are not involved on your daily affairs or safety.  This not only protects you from the tragic outcomes mentioned above it also gives you the upper hand of mystery.  No one wants to dive in to day in and day out together right away, and if they do they are needy and you should also be weary.  I apologize if you are one of the men mentioned above and think that this post is not fair, however, on the flip side if your break up is bad and you are picking up your lunachick ex everyday on your buss route so she can cuss you out on her 45 minute commute, or throw things at you as you attempt to give her the mail, or any other unreasonable act of heart ache than you too have not thought through the reality of dating someone involved in your professional endeavors and should give your head a shake too. Thanks for reading!

Personal Recap:
THE AMERICAN IS HOME! We are living together and headed to meet his family in America land next week! I start at a new firm next month and this week will complete my first marathon!! Do I miss single life?  No, while I admit being single was a lot of fun, so is being with the right lobster. 

Control Freaks Explained

No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.

Alan Watts

So I have often struggled with my need to have a plan.  This is frequently construed as being a control freak.   I understand this point of view completely.  However, I would like to say in defense of all control freaks out there that having a plan does not mean that we have to be in control of all things relative.  Let me explain, the plan just needs to exist so that we have a sense of direction.  The plan can be made by anyone, it can change and it can have a ton of wiggle room but the plan must exist for us to be comfortable.  The following are three reasons why:

First comes thought; then organization of that thought, into ideas and plans; then transformation of those plans into reality. The beginning, as you will observe, is in your imagination.

Napoleon Hill

1)    Anxiety.  Typically people I have come across in my life (and there are ALOT of us out there) that need to have plans, and I mean plans varying from lunch that day to five year here, have a level of anxiety.  Having a plan makes them feel comforted.  It is not so much that we think we can control the unknown, not at all, it is just that we feel much less stress if that unknown has a little navigation to it.  Not everyone likes surprises and not everyone likes to have a plan.  This in no way does not mean that we do not like to try new things and are not flexible! It just means that the majority of time we like to have any idea of what is to come in our lives.

Plans are nothing; planning is everything.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

2)    Be prepared.  Yes I was a Girl Guide my whole life, my mother was actually the Brown Owl leader so it is not wonder I want to be prepared.  But, let’s get down to the nitty gritty root of my intense desire to be prepared: my childhood.  I grew up in a house where everyone was late.  True story my dad use to say he would pick me up from my girlfriend’s place after school.  I would wait all day there.  Their families would joke around that if I came over at 3 I would be staying for dinner, which always turned out to be true.  He would often pick me up around 8.  I attributed this tardiness as not being prepared.  Therefore, in order to not be late, tardy and appear to forget very important people I like to make plans.

Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes... but no plans.

Peter Drucker

3)    Helpful.  This is the hardest things for non-planners to understand.  By  making a plan for you we are not actually trying to control you, we think we are helping you.  Here is how my brain works, you want to try a new restaurant sometime with me.  Great! I am so excited! I research new restaurants, I compile weblinks of the top rated four and send them to you with the times they allow reservations and the days they are closed to find out what day works for you.  I completely understand how this comes across as controlling the situation, but I promise this action is not made under this guise.  It is actually that, beyond the satisfying pleasure planning brings me, I feel that making little plans for others helps them.  It helps them save time finding information, it helps them in giving them options, it in general seems to be helpful.  This is why I offer mini plans all the time to everyone.

In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

It is unfortunate that people see planners as frigid control freaks that worry to much.  I am a planner and I have to say that I am the opposite of this.  Having plans (that can change!) are a way that we understand the world.  Planners are thoughtful I promise and it is not that they want to control you in anyway, it is actually that they really want to spend time with you and therefore like to create a plan for this actuality.  I hope that this gives some insight into people that like to plan and perhaps helps break the image of us all being controlling, if you want to make a planner really happy make a plan to hang out with them and tell them your plan.  They will appreciate your effort so much I guarantee.  Thanks for reading! 

Keep it Classy: 3 Tips on Professionalism

“Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

By now I have blogged about a lot of different kinds of relationships.  Our relationships with ourselves, health, happiness, lovers, and family, BUT I am forgetting the most influential relationships, the people we spend the majority of our time with everyday, our professional relationships!  It is a fact that the average person will spend 48 years of their life working, if you calculate that down to the 9 to 5 that means you are basically growing old and grey with your co-workers.  While I am far from this average at the ripe old age of 32, I have three professional tips that will make you feel good about they way you conduct yourself professionally.  The truth is there is not recipe for success, but there are some sure fire ways to act so that in the future when you look back at your career you can say you treated people with respect and dignity.  Welcome to the high road.

“Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson

1) Check your emotions at the door.  Have you ever had a sharp tongued co-worker?  (or worse boss?) That when they spoke to you it made you want to cry, or throw a punch?  Having worked in a large range of different industries from the age of 16 I can honestly say that words can stir up emotions, but it is vital that you calm down and not act out.  When temperatures flare words that you truly do not want to say can come rushing to your lips, but the best career advice is to keep those lips sealed.  I am not saying to not address your concerns, absolutely not.  There are a million and one articles out there on how to professionally address work concerns that one may have with any variety of co-workers.   BUT,  letting your emotions get the better of you and saying words that should not be said can lead to a whole load of problems from reprimand to getting yourself fired, but most importantly it will stain your professional integrity.  You should be able to look back and proudly say that you took the high road, you kept it classy and most of all that you tried your hardest this kind of reflection will leave you with good feelings about yourself and your work ethic.

“If your actions create a legacy that inspires others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, then, you are an excellent leader.”
― Dolly Parton

2) Keep it professional.  It is not cute to abbreviate anything in professional communications, in particular if you want to be taken seriously.  It is also not a great idea to invite all your co-workers to a keg party either, or discuss intimate details of your personal life, AND most importantly keep your work life off social media.   You are sort of like Batman in that now that you are an adult you will have a professional self by day and a personal self by night.  Confusing your personal relationships with your professional relationships can be catastrophic.  Here is an example:  In your professional life you dress the part, take direction, apply initiative and speak in a manner that is conducive to respect. While in your personal life you may not wear pants (I am not here to judge what you do in the comfort of your own home), swear like a sailor, and disrespect people on the regular because it is your sense of humour.  I think you can see how these two night and day characters need to stay separated.  I mean really, imagine if you walked into the office sans pants swearing at the receptionist while posting about it on Facebook (#fired, #officeworstnightmare).  It is a slippery slope when you become too comfortable with your co-workers and lines become blurred.  While yes being friendly with your co-workers is essential, becoming “besties” with the office and throwing professional conduct to the wind is setting yourself up for disaster.

“You have to be burning with "an idea, or a problem, or a wrong that you want to right." If you're not passionate enough from the start, you'll never stick it out.”
― Steve Jobs

3) Know your worth.  You may be reading these two points and be thinking that I am telling you to be some kind of emotionally void door mat.  This is not the case at all.  Here is something I believe, you are awesome! And special! How could I possibly know this about you?  Well I know this because everyone is amazing at something.  And, it takes people who are excellent at all things to make this world go round.  For example in order for me to work late or enjoy a holiday I need a lovely dog walker, and not just any dog walker, someone I can trust in my home on the regular with my fur kid.  We also all need the bus driver, the grocery clerk, the cleaning people at the office, every single person in this world is an integral part of the puzzle of functionality.  Without one piece all the other pieces suffer.  This means YOU are essential to this world.  This also means so am I.  Not all jobs are going to be right for you and neither are all places you work, and there is actually nothing wrong with this.  We are all different with all different work styles, learning curves.   Find the right fit for you and do not be afraid to know your own self worth, you are worth career happiness.

“You are good. But it is not enough just to be good. You must be good for something. You must contribute good to the world. The world must be a better place for your presence. And the good that is in you must be spread to others....”
― Gordon B. Hinckley

We live in a world where people often appear to be dredging along sadly to work in the morning, where they sigh at the sight of Monday morning and they yearn for long weekends to get away from their careers.  This makes me sad.  We all deserve to be in the right career on the right path for not only success but happiness.  Finding happiness can be a long journey for some of us and that is also okay.  As long as you try your hardest and conduct yourself professionally at the end of the day you will feel good about your work ethic and yourself, and you will come across as such too.  Thanks for reading! XO

Body Image My Struggle with Anorexia

"Every woman knows that, regardless of all her other achievements, she is a failure if she is not beautiful." 
Germaine Greer

(me at one of the peaks of my anorexia)

Recently I have been hearing a lot of my girlfriends calling themselves fat.  This breaks my heart but it also made me face some real demons this week and I have decided to just be frank.  In my mid twenties I struggled severely with anorexia.  I would love to say I have won this battle but as anyone who has ever faced their demons knows they always linger in the shadows, and in your darkest hour taunt you.  But, falling in love with my body has been a struggle that I have almost accomplished.  I acknowledge that a few extra pounds is just the way I am made, and understanding that can be beautiful is some thing we should all feel.  I would like to share three facts about my battle with anorexia in the hopes that it encourages other women to realize that we are all beautiful and we all deserve to love ourselves and be HEALTHY!

"From the newsstands a dozen models smiled up at her from a dozen magazine covers, smiled in thin-faced, high-cheekboned agreement to Kessa’s new discovery. They knew the secret too. They knew thin was good, thin was strong; thin was safe." 
Steven Levenkron

(me when during a time I thought I was most over weight) 

1) Harsh words.  I grew up my whole life hearing that I had a nice body.  I was thin and I was never told anything different until I was in a relationship with Mr. AA.  For the first time in my life I was called fat, and beyond being called this by someone who supposedly loved me, the specific areas where I had gained weight were pointed out to me over and over again.  I was ridiculed for eating and so I internalized this feedback into anorexia.  I not only began to loathe food but I hated my former fat self.  I looked at old pictures of myself and was disgusted at what I saw.  I saw all my rolls of fat, an enormous round face and thought I was blob.  When I asked friends and my one long term ex (who is a kind hearted soul) they all looked at me like I was crazy and told me I was always beautiful.  When my parents would tell me I was looking healthy I would hear "You are getting fat." I was so obsessed with looking thin, when I was my most underweight Mr. AA would praise how good I looked and enforce upon me that I should stay thin to be desired.   This mentality faded when I met Mr. X however it was not long until he pointed out I had gained weight too and my battle with food began again.   To be hones this battle remains, it is hard to see an extra pound and not deny myself daily food intake, however, I must tell myself that everyday that being healthy is beautiful.  What is terrible is that I am not alone in this development.  Almost all women I know shared with me that their eating disorders were also spawned from people they love telling them they were fat. Which brings me to my second point.

"[Eating disorders] are a wonderful tool for helping you reject others before they can reject you. Example: You’re at a party. The popular girls are there. You know you can never be as cool as they are, but when one of the pops a potato chip into her mouth or chooses real Coke over Diet, for that moment you are better."
Stacy Pershall

(my favorite model - she is considered plus size)

2) Everyone has had an eating disorder.  Every single woman I confided in about my struggle to see myself as beautiful and not stave myself thin told me they to had eating disorders.  Every. Single. One. From my girlfriends who are a size two to my girlfriends who are a size sixteen.  It did not matter their body shape they all said they have felt ugly and fat.  They said that they too have starved themselves and in some cases purged.  This breaks my heart.  I felt very alone in my battle with anorexia.  I felt like all my friends had great bodies not because they were doing what I was doing but because they had great jeans or worked out. I felt like I could never tell anyone because they would think I was crazy for doing what I was doing.  It turns out we are all crazy.  I feel a lot of relief that I was not alone in my battle with food but I feel more sadness that so many women I know felt the same.  They hated themselves enough to starve themselves, I know because that is what I did.  I hated myself for eating.  I would have severe eating regret for days, I would internalize my hatred for myself and for food and on days when I had eaten nothing praise myself for accomplishing a great task.  I was not alone in doing this.  I do not know why so many women starve themselves to look thin, but I do know that too many of us do and we need to stop.   In fact one of my girlfriends has several male friends who starve themselves too, we must all try to be healthy and get away from abusing our bodies. Next time you look at someone you think is thin and you manifest the thought that you are fat, remember that woman is thinking the same thing about someone else, we all have to stop seeing ourselves as fat.

"Who wants to recover? It took me years to get that tiny. I wasn’t sick; I was strong."
 Laurie Halse Anderson

(Here she is again a plus size model)

3) Control.  At times when I was losing the battle to my eating disorder my life was at it's most out of control moments.  These were moments when I was in a terrible abusive relationship, or moving due to family illness, or stuck in a job that made me unhappy.  Moments where I felt I had no control over my life or what was happening to me I starved myself the worst.  At least I felt I could control that.  This may sound really crazy to those of you who have never had this sensation, but it is a feeling of control when you can control your body all day not to eat.  When everything else is complete chaos there is a sweet relief to having accomplished this.  Thankfully this past year running has replaced this need to accomplish something that I control when everything else goes side ways.  Also, self improvement classes have taught me to let go of aspects in life and go with the flow, and this has helped me a lot.  Focusing this kind of energy on starving yourself is not an accomplishment, it is a disorder that you can only see clearly when you are focused on
being healthy.

Up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder (anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder) in the U.S.
• Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
 91% of women surveyed on a college campus had attempted to control their weight through dieting. 22% dieted “often” or “always.”
• 86% report onset of eating disorder by age 20; 43% report onset between ages of 16 and 20.
• Anorexia is the third most common chronic illness among adolescents.
• 95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25.
• 25% of college-aged women engage in bingeing and purging as a weight-management technique.
• The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate associated with all causes of death for females 15-24 years old.

(Now I am healthy, I eat and I run.  I don't beat myself up for eating but everyday is a struggle to know that healthy weight is beautiful) .

I hope that in my sharing my struggle and the three realities I have discovered that you will realize you are not alone.  Body image can be a terribly detrimental factor in healthy living.  I did not get into mass media here because that would make this post far too long but we need to embrace being healthy.  Running has really helped bring me out of the darkness.  Good friends and women sharing their own struggles has made me realize that women of all sizes feel the way I do.  I am not alone.  We are all beautiful.  Thank you for reading.

Do You Really Care?

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

As I coast into the half year mark with The American (time sure flies doesn’t it?) we are faced with a short term long distance situation.  His work is relocating him to Tropical Paradise for a few months.  I find myself so happy for him for this amazing opportunity! But, of course saddened that this may also be the end of our relationship bliss.  Of course he has stated that he does not want what we have to end and so have I, but the reality that several months apart is very challenging.  While I remain dedicated and hopeful that in two short months we will be reunited and live happily ever after I also realized that I am really thankful for the time we had together regardless of what the future holds.  I realized something so liberating and exciting during this time of possibilities that I wanted to share thus the following are three truths if you truly care about someone:

"Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it."

1.       Love is not possession.  I use to think that if someone truly loved you they would fight tooth and nail to be in your physical location and would tell you all things relative to them all the time.  This now sounds so ludicrous and possessive.   When you truly love someone you let them choose their happiest option in life and support that.  You cannot control their choice or it is not really their choice to make now is it.  I use to think if someone actually cared they would follow me if I had to move, or travel or whatever, but what I now realize is that if you care about someone you do not make their already difficult life changes more taxing.  When you truly love someone you realize that they need to make choices for their best possible life and sometimes those choices do not involve you.  It is an extremely difficult concept to think that someone who you love and who loves you could be better off without you.  Here is what you have to remember, it is not about you.  It is about what is truly best for them and their life.  Your love for them should be about them and what is best for them.  For those of you who have found this incredible liberating moment in your relationships I applaud you.  Welcome. For those of you who have not found this yet I guarantee when you do your role will just make sense and you will not feel sad about your exiting role, you will be happy that you actually feel real love.  You will also leave a memorable mark in the world if you are someone who loves unconditionally and with support instead of ruling with cruelty and hostility.  You will be a great memory if you remember that things may end but that all things happen for a reason and often endings are great beginnings. 

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

2.       Gossip Free is the Way to Be!  Lately I have heard a lot of my friends b*tch about their men.  I began to feel a bit uncomfortable because all I have to say is how awesome mine is.  All I can say are positive things about The American.  I cannot say that for one second in the past six months I have felt like I do not want to be with him.  This is how it should be.  When you truly love someone you are happy, they make you happy.  You do not loathe the thought of being with them, you do not see them as a burden, you do not see them as hindering your life growth, you do not see them as a totally douche, these are all things that you DO NOT feel towards a person that you love.   Oh, and I know, all those women out there reading this and thinking “But, but, but…” I know you feel wronged, and I know you are just venting, I get all that, I have been there.  But, what I am telling you is when you truly care for someone you do not reflect negative comments about them, you do not tear them apart for empathy to your friends and you do not make them the bad character in your story of love.   When you cease to gossip this means that you truly care about your man.  This may also only come to women that have found self love and have grown enough to realize that gossip does not improve anything.

"Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough and smart enough to let go and move on."

3.       You trust their word.  Trust may also be called respect here but it all boils down to this.  When he says that he will call you after work and you have not heard from him by nine, but he calls you at 9:05 and apologizes for working late you believe him that he was working and respect his dedication to his work.  I use to think that the world should revolve around me.  But, now as an adult I realize that work is hard, life is challenging and that often time slips by without any malcontent, time just gets away from you.  I use to peak at Facebook conversations and just in general had a feeling of anxiety towards the men I dated but not any more.  But, then I realized that is not caring for someone.  That is projecting distrust and a lot of insecurities when you truly care for someone you trust them.  Trusting someone is so scary isn't it?  It leaves you vulnerable, it leaves you exposed, it leaves you open to harm.  But, it is also incredibly liberating to trust someone and it is a must if you truly care for someone, this feeling goes hand in hand with realizing that you must be okay if things might not work out because you just want what is best for each of you.   You do not really care for someone if you are feeling jealous all the time, you are not acting in their best interest you are acting selfishly.  Get over yourself and realize when you truly care for someone it is about them, not you. 

"Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened"
-Dr. Suess

It is often hard to realize what we are doing when we are driven mad by what we think is caring too much.  But, if you are acting toxic in your current fling than you really need to ask yourself “Why?”  and if the answers all come back you than you do not care about the person you love.  Love can become self-focused and self –involved it can become a grey area where you begin to feel that someone needs to change for you, someone needs to make things up to you, someone needs to do things for you, you, YOU!  If this is your intent in your current relationship than I am sorry to say you are only caring about you.  The saying if you love something set it free, is not meant literally, I am not about to set my fat pug free any where and I love him like my own flesh and blood.  It means set them free by not controlling them through your actions and not focusing on yourself.  Freedom has so many meanings.  These three tips are tips that you will only find when you have gotten over yourself and realized that there are two in your relationship, and that both of you deserve to be happy.  It is crucial that you love yourself as much as you love anyone in your life, only balancing self appreciation and appreciation for others will allow you to truly care for others. Thanks for reading!

The Love is GONE!

“I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.”
― Greg Behrendt

I am not writing this blog to place blame for any current events that have befallen any of my wonderful friends (such as Ms. K or Ms. M).  I have noticed a pattern, that I have been guilty of, women staying with men that clearly have no interest in them.  I would like to clearly state here that some women think that their man is a unique snowflake and that I do not know all the facts of their very complex situation BUT I have to say this is just an excuse.  ALL MEN regardless of how they express it act like they are interested. The phenomenon of women staying with men that do not act like they want to be with them is very odd and creates a lot of hostility. From my personal experience and what I have witnessed the pattern is: He treats her poorly (perhaps a tactic to get rid of her), A HUGE FIGHT ensues (she threatens to break up with him for good this time), He does absolutely nothing (or the very bare minimum) to remedy the situation, they stay together because for some reason this is love....(shaking my head). This is not even the sad part. THE SAD PART is when asked "Why do you stay with him?" or "What are you getting out of this?" etc. These women are left somewhat speechless. They all seem to offer up some half assed excuse that the two people in this equation love one another. This is not true. The following are three signs your man has fallen out of love with you:

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fcking phone call.”
― Greg Behrendt

1) He doesn't call. (Insert romantic, dramatic sigh) Remember the good old days when he put in a phone call, text, letter and it was so thoughtful and frequent? It seems everyone is trying to get back to some point previously in their life instead of embracing the future and their current moment. I am not sure why people think that going backwards is progress but it is not. In this mentality my friends often say "I wish that it was like in the beginning when he used to call..." First of all, you have let him get away with treating you a way that makes you unhappy.  YOU have failed yourself in this relationship! Men treat you the way you let them treat you period. The truth is that there are men out there that will take you to hell and back if you let them (I would know I have been there a few times). BUT! These men can only do what you let them. If YOU  accept that your boyfriend never calls when he says he will, or never returns your calls or just in general just acts like he doesn't give a f*ck, then in all likelihood he IS NOT INTO YOU. If you are constantly putting effort in and calling and forcing him into talking you when it is pretty obvious that he does not want to talk to you...by his not calling and engaging.  Why are you acting so desperate? Think about it. When you care for someone you put effort in. This does not change whether you have penis or not. Secondly, why are you trying to go back in time?  Going back is not progressive, going back is not growth.  If your current moment is so terrible than try living in that moment! Realize “Hey, this sucks, I am out”  You are not doing yourself any favors attempting to go back and make your boyfriend act the way he use to when he cared about you.  I am sorry, but his feelings have changed, and thus so have his actions.  THERE IS NO GOING BACK.

“It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.”
― Greg Behrendt

2) He acts nonchalant. If you are finding that you are making all the plans and thinking for your boyfriend than he is NOT INTO YOU. Seriously some people may be reading this and thinking who would not get these signs, trust me A LOT of people don't get it. It is hard to understand falling out of love. It is hard to lose someone. It is very hard all around to love. This is true. But, it is apparently not hard to be foolish. Give your head a shake. I do not want to hear ever again that men are more complex than this, if a man is acting like he does not care about you, then GUESS WHAT?? He does not care about you. I have heard so many excuses from he is stressed, etc., but these problems are not for women to sift through as to why they are being treated like sh*t. No. Straight up. If you are chasing your man all over and he is really acting like he doesn't care than he he doesn't care. Why? You may ask does he stay with you. A better question is: have you given him any other option but to stay with you? If you have been calling, chasing, nagging and pretty much forcing someone to be with you than it is no wonder they are aloof and yes in a dream world they would let you down easy and walk away but some men are lazy and it is easier to stay with you than to try and break up with you.   Perhaps he even still says he loves you, or that he misses you, all of this is so nice to hear but that does not make it true.  (Saying "I love you" can be the easiest way to avoid confrontation). Perhaps they are not sure what they want, but while they do not want to be with you they still care about you so they just keep you on the back burner.  Perhaps their love has turned cold but they are equally finding it hard to let go, you can literally insert a million perhaps excuses here but at the end of the day it all boils down to they do not care like they use to.  It is so mind blowing that we live in a society where women do not believe it is over until we are completely dumped and will therefore put up with a smorgasbord of douchery because we think that there is still hope.  It is over for him if he has given up and you are creating a relationship for him that he is not participating in.


“We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don't even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they'd do. So if a guy you're dating doesn't call when he says he's doing to, why should that be such a big deal? Because you should be dating a man who's at least as good as his word.”
― Greg Behrendt

3) He agrees you should break up. Do you know what men do when they want to be dating? They don't agree a break up is best. Some people believe that it is only possible to understand how much someone cares for them if they are breaking up, because then the person will figure out how great they are. Newsflash! If someone thinks you are great when they are with you than they will not want to break up. It is a very juvenile mentality to think that breakups will improve your relationship. Once again for the record: Your life is not a Hollywood movie. In reality if you break up with someone then you are done. They do not have a revelation that you were the most perfect being and come crawling back. Another NEWSFLASH: if you want this instead of a healthy partner you may want to get your head examined. Love is pure and easy you should never have to force it with drama.  Also, if you are constantly "breaking up" and never actually standing your ground than it is no wonder your boyfriend doesn't give two f*cks when you tell him it is over. He has heard it a million times and truth be told he probably would actually enjoy it being over to get done with all the drama of your relationship. How would you feel if every day I came to your house at 5 am and told you I was going to do something unpleasant, you would eventually yell out "JUST DO IT ALREADY AND BE DONE WITH IT!" It is no wonder he is agreeing. He wants to break up and you have told him you want to so many times that you should probably just break up if you both think it is such a great idea.  Truth be told you planted the break up seed, you watered frivolously and then you are surprised (and hurt) that he wants to see this damn plant bloom already.  See your part in his feelings changings, you contributed to this fall out and now he is done.

I am so tired of hearing excuses by women to keep men. They think for them. Act for them. They are in a one sided affair and they know it but will never admit it. One the flip side I am so tired that men are too lazy to say that they are done and stand firm. Instead they treat their women like garbage and don't care what happens. It is a sad reality that comes from desperation. Desperation to be loved. Desperation to lose. It is terrible to watch your friends being pathetic in the name of love you want them to wake up and realize that he is just not into you.  But, change only comes from self-actualization that you are trapping someone into being with you because you don’t want to let them go.  If you are thinking it is not fair and I don’t get it than you are probably in one of these situations and I am sorry, it is hard to realize that someone does not love you anymore, it is even harder to realize that feeling will never come back.  But, it is unhealthy to stay in a toxic fueled drama you label love because you are to self-focused to realize it is over.   (I have been this person, I have lived this situation, I have forced my love on others, and I am telling you it does not work.  Sometimes you cannot fix what is broken, it is broken not to be repaired but to grow into a new direction).  Thanks for reading! XO