Holdiay Separation Anxiety

The Grinch: "The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there - on such short notice! Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it. 4:00, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one; 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me - I can't cancel that again; 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing... I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?"

Holidays! You have to love them.  Whether you are the kind of person who celebrates or not you still get time off of work (regardless if your job is awesome or not time off is still nice).  Everyone is happy and doing cheerful festive things and their is just an upbeat vibe around this time of year.  Until you realize that going home for the holidays means going home with out your love interest.  This is not a joyous thought.  Suddenly you miss them and are not really sure what to do about it.  While yes absence makes the heart grow fonder, you are already very fond of your love aren't you?  Recently The American went home for Thanksgiving and at first I thought it was no big deal five days apart.  However, given the absurd amount of money cell providers charge we obviously could not text as we usually do most of the day (Important to give credit to my Brazillian friend who introduced me to Viber! Much thanks! This app means you can text world wide pictures and all with Wifi, but this introduction came on my last day in waiting for The American's return).  Which left Skype, and at first seemed unnecessary given the short time he would be gone, but by day two I found myself looking forward to Skyping with him more than I had originally thought.  The thing is at first when you are separated from your love interest it does not really sink in.  You go along your day and you are usually at work and so you do not have much time to think about them.  However, it is that first long sexless night that gets you tossing and turning.  You can not text them, you begin to miss them terribly. and they are out of reach.  You miss the warmth of their body next to yours and then you realize that you have become pretty smitten for your current flame.  Now! It is only a holiday, relax.  You will survive, and when you get back you will be enjoy your lover even more because chances are they are missing you.  So the following are three patterns to avoid when you find yourself feeling lonely over the holidays:

``A merry Christmas, uncle! God save you!'' cried a cheerful voice. It was the voice of Scrooge's nephew..."

``Bah!'' said Scrooge, ``Humbug!''

1) The repeater.  Now, I do not mean the hilarious game played on the movie Super Troopers, I wish! What I mean is the repeat caller. Truth be told as fabulous as the holidays are they are also VERY STRESSFUL time of year as well.  They are full of longer commutes, more bustling bodies, baking, making, visiting, parties, cooking, family, and all kinds of extra stress moments that can be irritating to everyone.  So, there you are in the midst of your very busy day and you try your lover except they do not answer.  Well, you are VERY busy, stressed and tired and you mentioned you might call today so instead of leaving a message and carrying on with your life you call, and call, and call...you keep calling because the more you call the more angry you get, the more angry you get the more you really feel like you need to call until they answer...STOP.  This is lunacy at its finest.  And, while at the first four calls your lover was in the shower by the 8th call they are beginning to fear you are insane and yes they are avoiding you.  Ask yourself how you would feel if someone called you a billion times in a row?  Would you want to talk to them?  No.  This kind of behavior can feel so justified because how dare they ignore you.  (It is important to note that previously when I dated Mr. AA when he would call a million times, or vice-versa we each thought it was our way of showing affection, if you feel this way you need to know that you are wrong, this behavior is crazy) Are you noticing that all that you are thinking about is you? This behavior can also be impossible to break if you and your lover have fallen into making this an acceptable pattern.  I would know.  I was once the repeat caller, but do you know what I realized?  It feels SO much more empowering and relaxing to just leave one message.  To fight the urge to call and call because then at least that person knows....trust me one message and they know.  Anything more and the only thing they know is that you are possibly psychotic. For all of you reading this thinking that you need to keep calling so they get it...THEY GET IT.  They actually get that you called, and wanted to speak with them from one f*cking phone call AND if you are with someone that you know for a fact ignores you intentionally than guess what?  Calling a billion times only gives them further incentive to ignore you.  The repeater is such a tragic move, and it is particularly hard to avoid around the holidays when you are apart, and you know he is at the office party with that cute girl from accounting that flirts with him and he is drinking, and did she just post a pic of them on facebook?!?! and blah, blah, blah...calm down.  Don't become a repeater because you fabricate excuses to be a lunachick.  Put down the phone and look around you, chances are you are surrounded by amazing people that would love to have your attention during this festive time of year, and they will not ignore you or make you repeat anything.

Grinch: "I must stop this *whole* thing! Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now. I must stop Christmas from coming... but how?"

2) Overreaction for attention.  This can be brought on by the stress of the holidays plus distance plus days without seeing one another plus etc...Here is what we all need to do: identify what you want.  If you are looking to blow off steam because your aunt is driving you mental with her incessant criticisms for not being married off yet with a bun in the oven, DO NOT take your stress out on your love. Another example if your loved one is out of service or not getting back to you in a timely fashion and you are feeling hurt because you miss them do not lash out at them with a series of unfortunate messages be-raiding them because they are not doing what you want.  DO NOT make empty threats because you want attention.  Stop.  Take a moment and ask yourself: What do I want?  The answer is most likely reassurance and affection. I know this because I have felt this way and I have acted inappropriately because I just wanted to know I was loved.  It is okay, we all do this.  Here is a recent example.  The American was coming to my place, at 6pm he told me he was commuting from work and on his way to my place.  At 8:30pm I told him that we could just hang out another day.  I did not really want to wait another day to see him.  But, I was also getting impatient and felt like he did not care about seeing me so instead of expressing my feelings I over reacted and said something I did not mean because I wanted him to tell me how he wanted to come over.  Now, I know this was not a distance issue but it is an issue that comes up even more when distance is a factor.  The only way I now know to do the following is because The American told me that when I act this way it bothers him so I thought about this and WHY I was acting this way and here is the solution I came up with:  When you feel the need to lash out ask yourself first why?  What are you feeling?  Are you feeling lonely?  Insecure? Angry about something else?  Figure out first why you are acting the way you are or what is making you feel this way.  SECONDLY and most importantly, identify WHAT YOU WANT.  Not what you want to do but you actually want.  For example do you want your lover to say they miss you?  Do you want your lover to say you are beautiful?  Identify exactly WHAT IT IS YOU WANT.  Then say that.  That is right say how you are feeling and what you want and leave it at that.  WHY?  Because you have said everything you need to say in those two statements, there is NO misinterpretation.  The thing is you can be mean to someone because you are hurt and you want them to hurt and everyone will just think you are a dick, or you can be flirting with all other men in the room and your lover will just think you don't care.  When we act a certain way because we want a certain reaction we are being ridiculous.  The only way you can know for sure that our partner knows how we feel and what we want is to tell them.  In distance it is crucial we remember this as we are going to feel lonely and miss the other person and want an emotional charge frequently, but identify what that is instead of causing fights.  Fights are so easy to instigate because they are attention.  They give us what we are yearning for even if it is in most detrimental form.  Fights are what we get use to because we feel powerful emotions and we want instant gratification for our feelings. Fights are negative attention that lead to negative words and actions.  Try talking about what you want in the positive and clearly stating what you want and how you feel.

 "You're a vile one, Mr. Grinch / You have termites in your smile / You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile / Mr. Gri-inch / Given the choice between the two of you, I'd take the uh... seasick crocodile."

3) Ignore them till they smarten up, that will teach them a lesson!  Ya, this is the worst thing you can do.  As, I have frequented this enraging topic.  It leads to the repeater and other lunachick actions but this can be particularly hard to deal with in the distance of the holidays.  There you are Christmas Day you are having such a wonderful day, you have called and left your message for your lover, you are waiting, and waiting, and waiting and then the day is almost over and you feel a bit hurt that your lover did not care enough to wish you a good day on the holiday you both share.  Then they say "Oh well yesterday you pissed me off so ignored you..." STOP RIGHT THERE.  Are you f*cking serious? Oh so mature! To instead of talk about your emotions ignore someone, oh more mature to admit to ignoring someone to teach them a lesson! instead of talking to them to work it through.  Oh so healthy to admit you are being sh*t because you want to make someone feel like sh*t.  If this is you, you first of all do not deserve to be in a relationship with any one.  You are an emotional baby whose "lessons" (because they always say "I had to do this to teach you a lesson...") are pure and utter bull sh*t that no one needs to learn.  You need to learn to use your big boy words and say what the f*ck is the problem and what the solution is.  Plain and simple.  Guess what?  If you are doing this and you think it is SO successful because then everyone just bends to your will.  You are a total douche.  Period. Grow up.  There is no advice I could possibly give to someone who wants to ruin the holidays on top of someone who is so ignorant about human communication.  Ummm, I guess try doing the exact opposite of everything you are doing to be a decent human being, or put your house coat on and slippers and practice up on your "bah-hum-bugs" you selfish Ebeneezer.

 And what happened, then? Well, in Whoville they say - that the Grinch's small heart grew three sizes that day. And then - the true meaning of Christmas came through, and the Grinch found the strength of *ten* Grinches, plus two!

Remember that you are probably separated from your loved one NOT because you want to be.  Most likely it is visiting family or an annual girls trip.  The added stress of a lover bugging the hell out of you while you are trying to wrap gifts, organize wine tours, bake treats, and juggle a million and one tasks all while travelling is never a good mix.  Further more if you are dealing with a fun trip and you want to relax but every waking second your lover needs reassurance your phone may get thrown in the pool by your girlfriends who actually came to spend time with you.  Let your lover have their life, don't try and BE THEIR LIFE.  You are part of it, and a very important part of it so just enjoy the fact that you have someone to miss terribly and that they will be coming home to you one day soon, hopefully with a present.  Do not turn your outside stress or missing them stress into lunachick actions, fights or worse silence.  Communication is SO essential during the holidays it is the glue that keeps us from not falling apart.

How Bullying Affects Us

“It gets so tiring, this strong-picking-on-the-weak stuff. It was the story of my life -literally- and it seemed to be a big part of the outside world too. I was sick of it, sick of guys like these, stupid and bullying.” 
― James Patterson, The Angel Experiment

So this breaks away slightly from the pattern of relationships that I usually follow, but, I recently realized something about myself.  This time of year I send out about fifty Christmas cards to friends and family.  I get these cards specially made.  This year after sending said cards out I got about ten cards myself and about a handful of thank yous.  I do not send out these cards for any particular reaction of course.  But, this lack of enthusiasm made me realize does any one really care?  Then it got me to thinking why for the past, oh probably about twenty years of my life, I have been trying too hard.  I have always loved to be the "friend" who sends things and makes things and bakes things....and then one day I just asked myself why?  The answer is that bullying and emotional bruises had created this idea that I had to be more than just myself.  When I was a young girl around the age of eleven I was told by a very popular girl that no one liked me and that the only reason she was speaking to me was because she liked my one friend.  I never told anyone this because I was embarrassed.  These feelings of low value were further imprinted on me as I grew into an awkward teenager and a boy said that I would look alright if I had a paper bag on my head.  Recently I realized, FOR THE FIRST TIME! That these small hurtful moments had actually shaped who I am today.  I had become consumed with winning people over through actions of giving.  Not anymore.  I realized something.  I am worth love and friend ship without having to chase people.  If someone does not want to return messages and constantly only chats when it is convenient for them so long.  Relationships are a two way street, and I am no longer the one putting in all the effort.  Let me tell you when I realized this.  AND IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE I did NOT come to this revelation with ill intentions.  I never thought "Oh that is it, I am going to ignore so-and-so and then they will know what it feels like."  Not at.  What I did think was that I am much happier when I stop over exerting myself. I feel happy now that I only put energy into good friends that I feel their energy come right back to me full on.  The following are three revelations I had about bullying and maybe you will identify these in yourself or you will now what to say to someone who you see these in:

“I have a deep-down belief that there are folks in the world who are good through and through, and others who came in mean and will go out mean. It's like coffee. Once it's roasted, it all looks brown. Until you pour hot water on it and see what comes out. Folks get into hot water, you see what comes out.” 
― Nancy E. Turner, Sarah's Quilt

1) You are just not good enough.  I think that every person of the human race has felt this.  A moment where you are just not pretty enough, not smart enough, not cool enough for something.  This is the worst thing a bully can say to you.   And, some of you may be thinking that you are not being a bully when you do this but you are. Bullying is saying or doing actions that make someone feel badly, bully's ogress others by hurting them with words and actions.    When you reject someone and tell them you reject them because they are NOT good enough you are making that person feel terrible.  You are intentionally acting to hurt someone.  You are making someone feel like they need to change to be accepted and the truth is they do not.  You do.  You should never tell someone they are inferior to you, because they are not.  And, if you have, I strongly suggest you tell that person that they are wonderful.  And, some of you may be reading this and thinking that this only happens in childhood.  I am here to tell you it still happens all the time your entire life.  How many times have you been guilt tripped by a friend into doing something you did not want to do?  Or by your lover to go somewhere you really were to tired to go?  Or seen adult, ADULT women make fun of others?  And, how many times have you said and done things NOT because you cared about the person (there will always be small personal sacrifices we make for the ones we love)  BUT you did it because you were actually afraid of the reaction or the consequence or that they would not like you?  You are not alone.  We all have felt this way.  I am writing this to say: "It is okay to do what you want, it is your life!" We live in a society where "selfishness" is thrown around to coerce others too liberally!  Too many times I see people living for others and it saddens me because you should take more time for yourself, it is after all your life.  So the next time you feel pressured and not good enough remember you are not alone.  You have every right to say what you want, you make your future and you define your life and you are the BEST captain to steer your boat of life.  You are worth two small letters that when paired together make a strong word: NO.  Anyone who tries to tell you differently is NOT a good friend to you nor cares about you.

“No, we aren't civilized, even in our business suits and high heels. People are as mean as ever, and as predictable. Underneath it all, we are not so different from what lurks in the wild, perhaps we're worse.” 
― Donna Lynn Hope

2) What if..... These are two dangerous words that should never be put side by side to be honest.  "What if...." holds us back from amazing things with amazing people in amazing places by instilling fear.  The truth is what if can apply to a million circumstances for a million and one reasons but the only thing I want to hear from now on is "What if this will be amazing" period.   I strongly believe this mentality comes from societal bullying too.  When we live in a day in age where it is "so cool" to post pictures on facebook we deem not trendy or hip and then all laugh at their expense.  For example Mr. X's cousin posted a picture of an over weight man enjoying the beach with his family.  He was seated so yes the top of his butt was showing, and so what?  He was on a tropical holiday. This cousin posted this image on facebook voicing her disgust where a group of people all commented and laughed.  When a friend of this cousin tried to object to the photo she was ridiculed EVEN WORSE than the man by the cousin's MOTHER! (a grown woman, if you can call her that).  This disgusts me to the core.  This is bullying.  This is judgement and this is where this HUGE FEAR of "what if..." comes from.  Where we see children laughing and pulling pranks on each other that are of the cruelest attentions, where ex boyfriends send intimate pictures of their exes to humiliate them it is no wonder we live in fear of our "what ifs..."  Here is what I have to say about this mentality SO WHAT.  Of course other people's actions are terrifying, in particular when they are mean.  But, there is no way that you should live your live in fear.  I use to feel very defined by judgement and afraid to be myself.  I was always worried that others would see me and laugh.  AND THEN one day I realized that I did not really care if people laughed, or posted pictures or whatever because at the end of the day all that happened was that small action that really means nothing.  Let me explain a little more here and move on to our last point. Here is the example from earlier a boy told me when I was around thirteen that I would be attractive if I had a paper bag over my head.  I took from this that I was ugly, not worth affection, not worth relationships, not attractive to anyone, etc.  but you know what actually happened?  All that actually happened was a stupid boy (who years later asked me out FYI) said a mean thing.  THAT IS ALL THAT HAPPENED.  From this I CREATED a million and one ideas about myself that were exactly that.  Things I created.  None of these thoughts are true.  All that happened was a boy said something rude period.  And, you know we suffer with our self created drama until we have a break down all the time and why? All you need to do is think of what actually happened.  Period.  That is it.  Everything else is just in your head.  Once you realize this and I mean really realize that this is reality you will find new peace of mind I promise. I know this is a struggle in particular when we are surrounded by drama fueled relationships that tell us that we need to over react and create bull shit, so surround yourself with people that when you get lost in your drama pull you back to reality and say "HEY! this happened yes, and it sucks, but it was just this thing that happened, you are still awesome and you WILL LIVE to fight another day."  This is true.

“I'd developed an inability to demonstrate much negative emotion at all. It was another thing that made me seem like a dick - my stomach could be all oiled eels, and you would get nothing from my face and less from my words. It was a constant problem: too much control or no control at all.” 
― Gillian Flynn, Gone Girl

3) Assume! You make an ass of you and me. You surely do! I have talked about this before (let's be honest I have probably touched on all the above points at some point in some way) NEVER EVER make your thoughts someone else's.  You really have no idea what someone else is doing or saying or thinking, etc. You do not know this because unless that person full on says to you "Hey I feel this..." or "I think this..." Then you do not know.  You can assume until the cows come home but in the end all you have is a basket full of your fictitious creations.  Assuming is very different than what if by the way.  Assuming is this: You hear a friend of yours speaking poorly about someone and you assume that she speaks the same way about you and you stop talking to her because of your assumption.  Assuming comes from being treated poorly by shit people in this world I know.  But, you must have faith that there are good people in this world and that you deserve the best. Never settle for anything less. The truth is there are billions upon billions of reasons why people act the way they act and why and when and blah, blah, blah...if you start to assume that you actually know what everyone is doing and why all the time you are first of all wrong and second of all severely limiting your understanding of others.  The truth of the matter is you can assume you know someone and what they are thinking and you could NOT BE MORE WRONG.  Ask.  That is the answer to all things.  Ask! Even when you think you know the answer.  Ask.  When you are afraid of the answer.  ASK! Asking is the only sure fire way you can truly know what is going on in your relationships with others.  Ask and there will be no more fictitious realities hindering you.  I believe that people do not ask and just assume because they are petrified that asking will set them free.  Don;t be afraid of the answer, if some jerk tells you something negative they have in their head about you consider yourself VERY LUCKY to have found out they are a total dick and not worthy of your friendship for making you feel this way. Don't let your assumptions bully you.  Yes, the truth is often hard to hear and you will not always understand the truth.  A classic example is my dear friend who always assumes a million and one reasons for her man's poor actions instead of just realizing that he is not the man that is right for her.  Assuming is a dangerous game.  Assuming can make you believe false truths about yourself and your situation.  BREAK THROUGH and join reality!! I promise you it is MUCH better over here with real bonds and happiness than it ever was in your assumed world.  I guarantee.

“One's dignity may be assaulted, vandalized and cruelly mocked, but it can never be taken away unless it is surrendered.” 
― Michael J. Fox

Perhaps it is my upcoming 32nd year of life, my new incredible flourishing healthy relationship with The American, my realization of true friendship through my friends the past year and a half (having grown stronger bonds with long term friends and new bonds all together), my father's failing health, my realization of how incredibly lucky I am to have my family everyday.  I am not sure what caused these revelations and my new perspective on friendships and adult bullying.  BUT, what I do know is that the moment you recognize that you are not responsible for the way others treat you than you will be happier.  When you stop making up excuses as to why people treat you poorly and just realize that they are not worthy of you you will be happier.  The second you realize that you are worth love.  Just you.  Just the way you are.  Not wealthier, not smarter, not prettier NOT if you give more.  Just you.  You exactly the way you are deserve to have friendships and love that are based on mutual effort.  You will be happier.  Quit wasting your life on those who do not deserve you.  WE ALL deserve to live our lives.  We all deserve to do things for ourselves.  It is NOT selfish to want to be happy and do what makes you smile.  In fact it is selfish of others to demand that you live in misery for their happiness.  It is your life, start living it. You have nothing to feel guilty about, you have nothing to fear, you have nothing to lose.  Stop sacrificing your happiness out of fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of failure.  There is nothing to fear. FALL PASSIONATELY IN LOVE WITH YOUR LIFE AND WITH YOURSELF! Until next week.  XO

Dating for all the WRONG reasons

So, I recently had a conversation with the fabulous Ms. K (every week actually we have long conversations) and she said her man said "You're my dream girl" which of course I threw up a little bit in my metaphorical mouth because that is what the infamous Mr. X use to say to me all the time.  This really got me to thinking about him for a moment and I had a revelation about him.  I was never his dream girl, in fact, I highly doubt anyone is, but I was a girl and he had an idea and well, good enough.  What I mean is he was never really in love with me but the idea of having met his dream girl to build his dream future with. Therefore the following are relationships I have seen time and time again, that really need to be evaluated in the concepts of love, I mean I find myself seriously questioning the level of actual love for each other when love is forced out of circumstance.

"If you liked it then you should of put a ring on it."
-Beyonce

1) I have to recant a rather hilarious story here Mr. X's sister's engagement proposal.  Which happened in a jewelry store (you must picture a rather tall, intimidating, demanding woman and an average man for this) as she picked out the ring, most likely demanded the ring.  He bought it in front of her end of story....how romantic right?? I say hilarious because it is tales like this that just make me shake my head at the loss of romance over the desire to wed. But, when you are raised in a home where finding true love and settling down is top priority it is no surprise forceful moments like this are the moment you can forever reflect on as the day he popped the question.  AND we all know I am not the marrying type (although this does not mean I do not want to share my life adventure with someone who makes me truly happy, I just don't need a ring to do it).  It is moments like these, moments where women tell me ALL they have ever wanted from life is to get married that make me wonder if they are truly being picky enough.  That is right BE PICKY I say.  Did you know that marriage is suppose to be forever?  Don't just rush into something with someone because you have been dreaming of a white wedding your entire existence.  You will only have your dream life if you are actually with your dream person.  I think we see this over, and over, and over again as more and more people have short lived unions and are remarried and divorced several times.  SLOW DOWN.  I once worked with a woman who was on her fourth marriage before the age of 30, I am not judging at all, but what I am saying is if more TIME and more evaluation of your relationship would probably decrease your unions.   A wedding is a lot of fun I am sure, it is all about love, and you, and whatever else you want it to be but you really need to ask yourself if you are actually IN LOVE with your partner or just the idea of them.  Is it the idea of having a husband that keeps you with your mate or is it your actual mate.  I have to be honest the entire time I spent with Mr. X (3 and a half long years) made me realize he was actually really just putting up with me most of the time under the hopes that I fit into his ideals enough to tie the knot and make babies.  I was living in the shadow of his dreams and had pretty much given up my own.  I had decided that I could put my life on the back burner so that his life could shine.  How incredibly foolish of me! Thankfully all that sh*t hit the fan and the freedom to find myself made me realize that love needs to be about the here and now, the feelings, the rush, the passion and the moment NOT what the person might be, nor how they might change.  Love the person you are with for who they are and how they make you feel.  This settling into unhappy marriages is why I believe marriage has such a terrible stigma in popular culture for making people miserable.

Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.

 Gloria Steinem  

2)Baby button ON! Okay I am just going to apologize right now to any women who read this and are offended.  But, I have heard TOO many women say that all they want is a baby.  They don't really care who it is with or if they are in the picture.  HOWEVER! These said women who claim NOT to care if the father is around or not then proceed to jump through hopes to keep the fathers around.  I see these relationships and they break my heart because they are loveless and worse they involve a child.  It is fine if you want to settle for a loveless union for your own self serving notions but don't make a child grow up in one.  Also, on the other side I have heard women both raised in households with morther looking for a new "baby daddy" and women just out looking for men they think would make great "baby daddy's" for their child without really any regard for if they actually love the person.  My one friend was saying it was very hard on her growing up because her mom was constantly dating trying to find them a father.  Uuuuuuummmmm, here is an idea love someone for who they are and love your children more.  That is it.  Don't love a man because you want to force them into a family because they treat your children well but treat you like dirt, don't love a man because you think they might be a good father (WHILE being a terrible partner to you), don't love them because they might take on parenting with you.  Love for the sake of loving someone for who they are and what they are NOT anything else. I know I have no experience with children BUT I do have experience watching these catastrophic relationships unravel and what they have done to the children who grew up in these situations and I am telling you fall in love for the right reasons.  I have literally heard friends say "But, he is such a good dad" while all the while being also a really great cheater and douche.  Here is the thing, if you think your child is not watching how your partner treats you and learning from that you are an idiot.  Children are sponges, they learn how men treat women first from watching their parents.  Don't force a family on anyone, I am NOT saying don't collect child support.  If you want to be intimate the reality is you might make a baby, if you do the crime that you might do the time.  Which means I fully support child support, and I have heard too many men complain about women making them pay child support.  Well, guess what?  If you don't want to pay child support, then don't have unprotected sex.  End of story.  Babies are a possible end result of sex.  Mostly though don't use your child as a reason to stay with anyone, children are not a reason to force a loveless union ever.  Lastly I know incredible single parents and shared divorced couples that are doing amazing at raising their children.

"Today, one-third of American children – a total of 15 million – are being raised without a father. Nearly five million more children live without a mother."

-http://www.lifesitenews.com/news/the-number-of-children-living-in-single-parent-homes-has-nearly-doubled-in/

3) She's a Gold Digger. SO! I recently heard a friend of mine claiming he could not date in his area because the women were in deed after money.  I feel like he is a kind hearted good man and therefore is not creating some story about women as he does want to meet someone to share his life with.  This story on top of the fact that I have been hearing women lately talk about finances and not dating due to certain financial losses involved and it got me to wondering.  As we can see in public media women marry men (much, much, much, much older) than them for money.  And, I have seen women spend their husband's money like it is going out of style! And I am not saying marry some poor schmuck to prove you are not a gold digger, not at all! I am saying marry for love NOT for money! Because in a day in age with such things as prenuptial, and divorce (which is not cheap) marriage can be a financial catastrophe waiting to happen.  In particular given common law rights and all that jazz, you should really be certain you are with the one you love because you truly love them, not their check book.  In my relationship with Mr. X I often was financially stuck to him.  Literally I had created a situation where I could not move or leave him financially.  I was completely codependent on him.  In moments like this in life you truly question if you are in the right spot with the right person.  Be sure you are with the person you want to be with because you actually want to be with them.  Not, because you are financially dependent.  The best feeling in the world is being financially independent and not trapped with someone you don't really love because you want to spend their money.  Be sure that your partner is with you because they want to be with you as well, if you are always paying for everything and you get the feeling that she does not care about you...then you are probably right.  Cut lose the gold diggers and find someone who actually cares about you, not your money.

"Holler we want prenup, we want prenup, ya." 
-Kanye West

4) Time to Settle.  Uh oh! You are getting older and you are still the feared S word...S....I....N....G....L....E!! What will one do! I have heard too many women as of late say that they are literally petrified of being alone and single.  I feel that these women have never truly taken the time to appreciate their single lives.  Being single is not a bad thing.  Being single is actually a pretty rad thing! But, in a society where everyone is pushing wedding gowns and toddler shoes on women it is no wonder that women begin to panic that they will be ALONE.  SO, in order to avoid this most terrible outcome they settle.  They settle with a person who treats them poorly, who they don't really care about, who they cheat on, and a million other ridiculous outcomes I see all the time.  I just have to shake my head.  Being alone is not bad, in fact being alone is NOT lonely.  Here is the thing while it is lovely to wake up next to someone you care about it is also just as lovely to wake up motivated for a beautiful day! Being single does not mean you suddenly have no one to grow old with, unless somehow you have no friends or family.  Being single means a lot of healthy, amazing things actually.   If you are sticking with someone because you are just afraid of being alone than you are with someone for the wrong reasons.  You should be with someone that makes you think about how much you want to be WITH them NOT how the only reason you are with them is because being without them means being alone.  This is ridiculous. This mentality is desperate.

So be with someone you love because you love them.  End of story.

He is just NOT into you

He Doesn't Like You

If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn't do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fucking phone call.” 
― Greg Behrendt

Partially out of exhaustion and partly because this is lingering on my mind I am writing about the tell tale signs that a guy is just straight up NOT INTERESTED.  Seriously, I have to tell you guys you would make life SO MUCH EASIER if you just manned up and said "I am not interested."  Because TRUST me women do not get the blatant hint that you have given up on them.  Disillusioned hope of romance fueled by a life time of happily ever after tales, and extreme fear of being alone, or worse having to start fresh with someone new keeps strong, beautiful women with men that treat them like last week's garbage.  So instead of having conversations about life and happiness and the future I am finding myself on the phone for hours upon end week after week having the same conversation with the same women.  The majority of them constantly questioning "WHY?" why certain men act the way they do.  I am going to tell you the one thing you really need to know to be happy in this world.  Some people are just careless assholes.  If you do not understand them then that is a good thing, that means you are not an asshole.  Some men (and women of course) are just mean, they are pessimistic, they will suck the life out of you.  If you give them an inch they will destroy you for a mile.  That is the way of the world.  There fore the following are three signs that he DOES NOT LIKE YOU, and that you need to move on.

"I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.” 
― Greg Behrendt

1) He is not calling you.  Seriously one would think that ignoring someone and not calling when you say you are going to would be enough of a sign for women to move on.  BUT! I am here to tell you it is not.  Women for some odd reason have too much hope in love to take someone continuously not calling as a hint (even though while I am writing this I can see that it should be taken for what it is and moved away from).  Women that I spoke to had a million and one reasons for why a man might not be able to call, or how he might be feeling, LET ME TELL YOU THE TRUTH.  The truth is all the reasons that women fathom in their pretty little heads in regards to men's actions are just excuses.  They are excuses that these women want to believe so badly that they not only tell themselves but they also tell everyone else.  They are excuses that they would much rather believe rather than he is just not into you.  This kind of treatment is always hurtful of course, no one likes to be ignored or rejected.  But, let's face it there is not going to be some kind of dating revolution where people wake up one day and realize that if they just openly and honestly say "I am sorry this is not working" that the ending of the situation does not need to be so difficult.  I wish.  However, we live in the here and now and in this present day situation men ignore women to let them know they are both losing and have lost interest.  In the example of Ms. K, Ms. M and Ms. J (and myself of course) have experienced this shift in men.  One day you are able to text him and chat freely, it is so fun getting to know one another and you look forward to the blinking light on your cell indicating his response.  But, then one day you notice a shift.  This shift I could argue is the beginning of the end.  He slowly stops responding, he gets irritated when you bother him at work, suddenly all the things he use to say and do cease to exist and you are clinging on to him for dear life because this cannot be another botched attempt at romance.  Not his time, you love him too much and you have been through so much together.  But, most importantly you certainly can not be....ALONE! So, instead of realizing you lost him you hang on to him and force him to be with you by trying harder, and harder, and harder...until one day you wake up day after day more miserable than the one before but hey, at least you are not alone.  WAKE UP! And, please realize that if he is not calling you and putting effort in than he truly is not that into you PERIOD.  Of course I know there are some women out there that are reading this thinking BUT HE SAYS HE LOVES ME, the truth of the matter is we can all say whatever we want, it does not make it true.  What he says once in a blue moon to you does not make up for the weeks, upon weeks, of sh*t treatment you endure for him.  Get over him.

“Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.” 
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

2) Hide and Seek! So here is the thing if you are with a guy and he hides things from you like constantly covering his phone and freaks if you get one foot near his computer.  Than he probably has secrets.  And, those secrets are most likely other women, or perhaps that he bad mouths you on the regular, or is a serial killer I am not sure, but I am sure that if your lover is keeping secrets from you it is not a good thing.   Lunachick confession: I have too often found secret women in my men's electronic media communications because I read their personal messages.  AND! When I confronted them about these women they actually tried to tell me that they did not tell me about these women because they do not mean anything and they did not want to upset me.  YA RIGHT! One of them told me they were worried I would over react....so clearly lying to me thinking I would never find out the truth is the best option.....NOT! Honesty is the best policy.  If you find that your man is hiding other women than they are NOT interested in you.  I will tell you why, men are actually like women when they fall for someone.  I do not mean they are the same in the way they process emotions or express them, no, not at all.  But, I mean that men when they fall for a woman do NOT screw around.  They do not even lead other women on.  DO NOT be fooled by men that try and tell you that they just are "nice" to those girls and they get the wrong idea...ya f*cking right.  If his day doesn't rise and set with you than the truth of the matter is that he is not falling for you.  In fact if he has time to build up a wealth of women than he is really not into you! And, we can all think of a million excuses..."Once he gets to know me he will pick me," "That is just the way he is" BUT all these excuses end in the same ending don't they?  They all end with "one day he will change."  No he won't, and you know why he won't?  Because he does not care about you.  Sorry, this is a hard thing to digest.  It was very hard for me to understand for a very long time too.  People are going to not care about you, people are going to fall out of love with you, and it is going to hurt.  But! Losing these people just makes room for the right ones and happiness.  Secrets are not a girls best friend in the game of love so if he is full of them walk away.

"A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves” 
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

3) Who are you? Who-who-who-who-who? Now these are excellent lyrics to old rock in roll but they are not good lyrics in your love song when uttered from his friends and family.  If his social networks have no idea who you are then he probably has not introduced you and also probably has not talked about you.  Both of which are not good signs.  If his friends and family have no clue you exist than he is not into you.  Think about it, when you are into someone you spend a lot of time with them and converse about said time with at least one of your friends.  Therefore if you are seeing someone for a while and they do not show you off a little be weary.  This is a clear indicator they are not that into you.  If they are into you they would be excited to be with you.  They would tell at least someone so if you are his little hidden hook up than you need to come to terms with the fact that this may be all you will ever be.  This is also a hard thing to understand, but if your lover is not singing from the roof tops that you two are knocking boots than it is time for your boots to start walking.  We live in an age in time where women have become accustom to, or rather, adapted to men treating them shabbily and instead of getting the hint that they are not the one  we are meant to be dating.  We think of millions upon millions of excuses for their situation that they want so desperately to believe.  In return these men treat us increasingly worse and we become more desperate, and for what?  Why do so many women I see have a fear of being alone?  Why do so many women I see stay with men who make them miserable everyday rather than find happiness on their own? Why are so many women disillusioned by the hopes of romance?  Quit lying to yourself and see that if your lover is not introducing to you to anyone it is a sign that he does not see you as dating material and do yourself a favor and move on.

“Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you” 
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

Tough love! Sorry if this advice is harsh but I am not doing you any favors by candy coating the reality of rejection.  Rejection will always be hard.  It will always hurt BUT it also always leads to a better life situation.  I know dating is complicated and reading someone's mind because they waiver from ignoring you to loving you is complicated..OR NOT!  Or just realize that if that person really meant I love you they would not spend the majority of time treating you like sh*t.  Living in reality is healthier and while you may think reality is skeptical from reading this it is NOT, reality is full of real possibilities and optimism.  But, you are seriously being foolish living in your own reality that no one else agrees with but you, and honestly you come across as a lunachick.  So, instead of crying over spilled milk, pour yourself a new glass of milk and by new glass of milk I mean pour yourself an even larger glass of a new chapter in your life called happiness.  Do not dwell on the past, the past is the past for reason.  There is no time travelling back to a time where your lover was acting interested in you.  When the flame dies out, it is dead.  You may be able to breath a moments worth of life into it's deflated lifeless lungs but those breaths will only keep your love unnaturally alive for a while, soon it will erode again with the same issues because the truth of the matter is, when the love is gone it is gone.  It is not coming back.  It faded for a reason, and while if you have managed to find someone who keeps your love a float that is wonderful, but if you are clinging to MR. COULDNOTBEMORENOTINTERESTED give yourself a break, and give him a break and be the person you are meant to be not the person clinging onto someone you are not meant to be with.  The truth is he is trying his darnedest to get rid of you in his really sh*tty way (remember Mr. X said that he never broke up with women he just treated them poorly until they would leave him because he hated break ups) so holding on because you are delusional that he is the one is actually not doing anyone any favors (I would know, I have held on for years when I should have walked away).  My best advice to you is:  Let him go, he is just as miserable as you are.  Thanks for reading! Until next week! XO

Let's Get Dirty

Dirty Talk: Do it Right,

"Gonna get rowdy, gonna get a little unruly
Get it fired up in a hurry
Wanna get dirrty
It's about time that I came to start the party"
Christina Aguilera - Dirrty Lyrics 

It is crucial when approaching this topic to remember that many women are highly talented in the realm of faking it.  Thus if you are thinking you do not need to read the following words because you are so great at dirty talk, think again.  I was having a conversation with Ms. K and Ms. M lately that really got me to thinking about dirty talk and how it can be both an exciting turn on and yet a huge turn off...BUT! There does seem to be some common denominators between all the women I spoke about this topic with that I think need to be discussed so that there are less moments of hilarity among women recapping dirty talk moments with one another.  Mastering the realm of dirty talk is not as hard as it may seem as long as you remember that ALL women are different, AND to follow their lead on the tone and depth they are comfortable with.  Here are three tips to dirty talk to your lover and remember to find each other's limits take baby steps or the whole process could be blown out of context and out of your love life for good.

“Do you trust me Ana?"
Ana! "Yes,I do."I respond spontaneously, not thinking...because it's true-I do trust him.
"Well,then"he looks relieved. "The rest of this stuff is just details"
"important details” 
― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey

1) Don't degrade.  Okay, there are some kinky sides to people out there that enjoy degradation, this is true and that is their sexual right.  However, the majority of women do not enjoy being degraded by dirty talk.  Let me use an example here to clarify what I mean, say you are just starting to date someone and you are sexting a little, getting a little frisky.  Passionate messages are sent to and fro and then he says "I want to f*ck your face...." Hmmmm, this is a degrading way of saying what he wants and does not really sound all that pleasant.  I have been over this numerous times women are turned on by words while men are more visual.  Build a sexy story with your words.  Build a erotic journey.  Make your woman hot by words and your sex life will improve.  Build anticipation.  Do not use basic cave man language to say you want a blow job, come on now. "What's the best way to turn a woman on? Via her brain, of course, and if you can learn to talk in a way that gets her mind venturing into a myriad of sexual fantasies...Depending on how she communicates with you, pick up on her dialogue and follow suit using appropriate sexual language." (1)  Sexual language is key to successful dirty talk, or else you will just have an offended, and some what pissed off recipient.   I had an interesting conversation about how degradation can be confusing to hear, and I believe that this comes from the origin of dirty talk.  What I mean is we hear respectful dirty talk that we enjoy and get aroused, but then we hear degrading talk and we are not sure because it is sort of similar to dirty talk so it begins to arouse us but then instead of feeling like returning the sentiment we often feel shamed.  This is not a good feeling and it is often confusing so steer clear of generating sexually disrespectful responses   SO! Instead of  spouting off some Hustler magazine fueled fantasy that involves doing anything with her face besides kissing it, use your head and find appropriate sexual language.  We all have our differences of is sexually language and once you find your groove enjoy!  ALSO! If you receive a dirty text, take two seconds to reply to it appropriately.  I say something like "That is so hot, I just am headed into a meeting but thanks for giving me something amazing to think about."  DO NOT leave the person hanging because you are not in the mood.  They are taking the chance and exposing their desires to you and to ignore someone when they are sharing that with you is just rude.

“Seduction doesn't involve deception. Seduction is the art of enticing someone into doing what they secretly want to do.”
-Anon

2) Pictures.  Pictures seem to go hand in hand with a little slap and tickle kind of chatting.  But, they can also be very off putting.  Here is an example again for reference.  One morning in the midst of a board meeting I received a text, not thinking anything of it I glanced at my phone so see a cock staring back at me.  Mmmhmm.  This is a highly ineffective way to initiate dirty talk.  As stated earlier men are visual, women are...verbal! I am not sure if this is what men fantasize about I imagine it most likely is.  I have a clear idea that men and women are very different sexual creatures.  I had a conversation about fore play with a man and I said "Well how would you feel if a woman just came up and started rubbing on your cock." There was an awkward pause to which I realized most men would very much enjoy.  While women on the other hand would like to be kissed up the neck, thighs, they like to be caressed and turned on.  It is a rare occasion where a woman just wants a wham, bam, thank you ma'am kind of experience.  We must apply this kind of foreplay mentality to photographs.  Gradually build up to the exchange and I am just going to be totally blunt here, pictures of naked men are not all that arousing.  Perhaps to other women they are, but the women I spoke to all agree that they are not.  It is more the intimacy that the pictures offer that women feed on, not the actual image.  I am sorry if you are reading this and are offended in any way.  But, don't get me wrong.  Pictures of men in their underwear are VERY stimulating AND it may be that shirtless men are usually posing sexually and teasing while nude pics from men are typically a picture of their junk and their messy bedroom floor.  Perhaps this is one major difference between women and men is that women enjoy several shots of undressing in model poses while men might enjoy just snap shots of their girl's goods.  I am not sure, but I do know what I have discussed (okay and laughed) about with my friends and so I feel the need to share that photographs are never a good way to kick start the dirty.  AND once again if your lover worked up the courage and posed for a sexy picture for you do not ignore that.  Always thank them even if you want to discuss the content of said photograph.  Ignoring nude pictures is like rejecting your naked lover, they will feel rejection and insecurity if you do not validate the images they send you.  In fact if you make them feel too insecure about the images you may NEVER get a pic again, and what fun would that be?

“Is sex dirty? Only if it’s done right.”
-Woody Allen

3) Confidence! You absolutely must have confidence to pull of dirty talking.  If you do not feel confident in what you are saying than you are going to make your partner confused.  Dirty talk is expression and it is fun and so if you are feeling awkward and unsure then DON'T DO IT.  Remember my story from an earlier blog about one of my past moments with dirty talk and I got a "I want to kiss you on the mouth."  That is sweet and all but not what I was asking for.  If you are not sure what to say my best advice to you is ASK, you can either ask your lover in the heat of the moment, for example if they ask you to talk dirty to them you can ask them "What do you want me to do to you?"  This gets the ball rolling and sets up a parameter by following the lead of the initiator.  Or you can also ask your lover another time such as when you are having breakfast together or you can ask your friends that are women what they think is a turn on...or more importantly a turn off!  Do have confidence absolutely, HOWEVER, do not have an over abundance of confidence and just assume that you know what turns on all women and that you are God's gift to all women everywhere.  Every woman is different, every woman is unique.  But, asking your friends that are women will give you pretty good insight into what is not acceptable when getting frisky.  Baby steps.  That is what exploring dirty talk is all about.  Because while you may have dated a girl that really was turned on by your telling her you were going to suck her toes later the girl you are now dating may be disgusted by that thought.  Never, ever, assume that you know what another person wants to hear.  So, clearly the best plan is to ask your lover, have confidence in your self and dive into the dirty.

“For women, the best aphrodisiacs are words. The G-spot is in the ears. He who looks for it below there is wasting his time.”

-Isabel Allende

Dirty talk is one of my most favorite parts of dating.  The anticipation it builds up thinking about all the things you can do when you see your lover.  The excitement of knowing someone wants you.  The confidence that you are on someone's mind.  It is all exhilarating and should be tried out.  But, it should be done with respect or else it just becomes another degrading avenue for toxicity to grow.  Respect yourself enough to know what turns you on and what does not and speak up for that.  Sexual language with confidence and respect can go a long way in the dirty world so best of luck!

On a personal note I am still happy with the American.  He took me on a most incredible date to the symphony after a very luxurious dining experience that was all amazing.  The date was the best date I have ever been on, and not because of the price, and not because of the beautiful culture, and not because of the way he looked in his suit and tie, but simply because it all went perfectly smoothly.  The date was comfortable and natural, it was a night out that felt like it was meant to be, it went off without a hitch.  There were no words of resentment, no rubbing in the bill, no rushing, no judging, no nothing but enjoying the adventure together.  Those are the best dates when you know you are with the person that you are meant to be with as the universe gives you all the right signs.  Thanks for reading.  Until next week, XO.

References:
"6 secret ways to turn her on" - Sarah Miller MH
All photographs from google

Honeymoon Never Over I Say

"Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen."

- Blaise Pascal 

So lately people have been telling me that things will fade out with The American and that our honey moon period is in deed exactly that, just that a phase.  What a sad thought?  It got me to thinking about why relationships fade out and how so many people settle for something and someone that they are NOT crazy about. To this kind of mentality I say "Poppycock!" I actually believe that you will meet someone that sets your life on fire.  And, I don't mean you will meet someone who literally burns your house down because they are certifiable, I strongly hope that never happens to anyone.  What I mean is that you will meet someone who truly betters every inch of your existence and with this person you will be your true self like you have never been before, and you know what?  You will live happily ever after.  (No, it will not be like the movies because your life is actually not a Hollywood script not matter how badly you will it to be).  But, you will wake up everyday happy with a feeling in the pit of your stomach that you are with the right person.  I believe that when you meet the right person you will always look at them and be falling more in love regardless if it has been three months to 30 years).  And, I am sorry to all those people out there who post long poems about love fading and people staying together because they don't believe in giving up when the love is gone....I say "You sir, have settled"  Greatness exists for all of us.  But, it takes effort to catch someone great and to keep the honey moon period a forever state and I have seen it in the flesh time and time again.  I have some AMAZINGLY FABULOUS couple friends that range between married and basically married (just not on paper) that I can see the love between them every second they look at each other.  This bond exists.  If you do not have it and you think I am a dreamer, than I am sorry to say but I am not.  True love exists but you have to be ready for it to find you or you could just be settling.   The following are five simple ideas that I believe keep the honey moon phase in tact once you have met your Mr. Right.

"Love has reasons which reason cannot understand."
Blaise Pascal 

1) BE YOURSELF.  That is right! The right person will think you are AWESOME.  So just be yourself.  See in the beginning you were yourself.  (Well, I hope you were because I already blogged about playing make believe with your identity so if you created a false you than I don't know what to tell you).  In the beginning you should not be concerned about what your love interest judges about your personality because if he doesn't like you the way you are than F*ck it and move on.  Who wants to be with someone who does not appreciate them in their entirety?? So you are completely yourself in the hopes that if he is the right person he will like you just the way you are.  SO WHAT HAPPENS OVER TIME?  I will tell you what happens we CHANGE for our loved ones (or even worse, we try and change our loved ones).  This mentality is SO high school.  When I was 14 my dad use to drive me to school (what a nice dad thing to do really) BUT! at 14 this is HORRIBLY embarrassing because what if someone sees your dad?!?! and what he is wearing because he is so not hip!?! and his mini van is so not cool?!?! OMG! I know right, 14 year old girls are the definition of drama and it only cultivates with age until they hit their mid 20's.  (I would know!) But, over time you realize something.  Dad's are not cool.  No that is not their job.  Their job is to be your dad, to care for you, cloth you, feed you, and be fatherly.  When I was 14 I wanted to change my dad to be hip, but now I realize my dad is just perfect the way he is.  He is a wonderful dad and always has been and I was just being an absurd little girl (as all teenage girls are).  So when we take this mentality to our adult years and relate it to our relationships let us see if it looks any more reasonable....(take a few minutes).....I say NO.  You should love and appreciate your partner for just who they are.  Not who you think they should be or could be.  This is not loving someone.  Mr. X use to tell me not to be honest (which FYI is one of my defining traits) he use to tell me it embarrassed him because it causes unnecessary conversations.  What a load of bullshit. He wanted to change me because I was embarrassing to his cowardly existence.  And, on the flip side I wanted to change men I have dated, I have been embarrassed about employment, hair, dance moves, etc. AND people always tell me that in the beginning you are blind to these things but I disagree.  I think that the feelings you have of being turned off by an aspect of someone is a HUGE red flag.  So here is the deal.  Be yourself with someone completely and find someone that you love completely.  Don't pick out on or two endearing traits that you like about someone and try and scrap the rest of their personality to suit you.  DO NOT stay with someone that you are not crazy about, and do not try and change the one you are with.  It is not your place to change anyone, and it is not anyone's place to change you.  Attempting to change one another leads to resentment, low self esteem, hurt feelings, and a whole slough of negative bull shit that your relationship should never have.

"The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing."
Blaise Pascal 

2) BE HONEST. Now, often people think that being honest means being hurtful.  And, this is simply not true! Honesty can be used to stroke the sh*t out of your lovers ego.  Which of course he deserves every once and a while because who doesn't?  Everyone.  So here is the thing that I do I compliment The American whenever I feel the urge.  I compliment his wine choice, his new shirt, his new cute haircut, his performance in the bedroom, I compliment all things relative to him.  Because, compliments feel good to both receive and give. AND! If you read my blog about break ups, than this is a repeat for you, but positive statements go a billion miles further than negative nagging.  Appreciate your love interest.  In return, if you are tactfully honest, you will be able to be honest about all things.  Say that for example crumbs on the counter really irritate the piss out of you.  (yes that is right it is return of the crumbs, to all those who know me this is my number one piss off, we all have our thing).  I use honesty when I express my distaste for crumbs everywhere in the fact that I say how it makes me feel.  How in the past, for three years, I asked Mr. X to simply wipe the crumbs less than a food to the sink because it really bothered me and for three years he did not give a f*ck that it was something that bothered me that made me feel devalued.  I tell men who I share space with that crumbs irritate me for several reasons (the reasons are not important here) and I am just straight up honest.  Now, some of you may be thinking this is changing someone, but the truth of the matter is if you are someone who lives in a pile of crumbs than you and I WILL NEVER be compatible....ever.  So, my being honest about how it will never work with someone who is crumby should thus weed them out of my dating existence.  What I am trying to say is be honest about all your likes and dislikes because you need to be with someone who both appreciates and is compatible with your quirks.  You MUST express yourself or you will never be happy and your partner will never know you.  But, one must express honesty in the this manner: say how YOU feel.  That is honesty.  You CANNOT say "You did this...blah, blah, blah" the person already knows what they did, and, by the time you get a hold of what they did with your resentment taking it out of context you are most likely accusing your lover of something you fabricated.  Instead of this, simply say something like this "I feel unheard and hurt because ..."  then say the direct action.  DO NOT create a double meaning of their action and insult them like "You are an inconsiderate jerk because you constantly do not listen..." this IS NOT honesty.  This is insulting.  You can only speak of honesty when it comes from yourself, you have no idea why other people act they way they do or say the things they say so don't jump the gun and paint someone else with a tainted brush.  OF COURSE! Honesty does not work if you are using it mean spirited to get what you want or change someone.  Don't use honesty to manipulate others, that is not what it is intended for.  Use honesty for good and to express yourself, and I promise your relationship will benefit.

"When we are in love we seem to ourselves quite different from what we were before."
Blaise Pascal 

3) BE SPECIAL!!  Do something nice that shows you care.  THIS IS KEY! The only thing (besides intimacy in most cases) separating your partner from your friends are the little things.  So treat him like he is one of a kind (which he is!) and treat him like you know that.  Everyone wants to feel like they are appreciated and unique.  I often bake for the man in my life.  Whatever he likes or whatever I feel like making.  I bake something special and also if I see something when I am out and about I will buy it for him and surprise him.  I also will brag about how awesome he is and not be afraid to tell everyone that he is not like other men.  All of us want to feel like we are someone's someone special.  Think about how good it feels when the person you are with tells you how awesome they think you are.  How original and important you are to them and how seeing you makes their whole day.  It feels like sunshine on a cold day.  It feels like your soul is shining from smiling.  It is a great feeling.  If you are not willing to make your partner feel this way everyday than you are not trying.  With this in mind, you should make your partner feel this way as often as possible.  Make your partner feel the way you want to feel and let them know that they are the keeper to the key of your heart and only them.  AND! It is not because they are needy or insecure and need to hear it.  No, not at all.  Say it because you mean it and because you know how good it feels to hear that you are that to someone.  (On a flip side if you never make your partner feel special they will become extremely needy and desperate and you will ruin your relationship).  Neediness spawns from a place of loneliness.  When women (and men) feel lonely in their relationships they act out in a needy fashion because they are desperate not to feel the way they are feeling.  And, who wants to feel lonely?  No one.  The truth is if you do not feel like telling the person that you are with (OR even better showing them! as we all know words can be just empty air...) than you are probably with the wrong person.  When you are with the right person you will fit together and you will want to tell them how special that bond is.  Now, you may be reading this and thinking that I don't know what it takes to make real relationships work.  But, I strongly believe that because I have stayed and been miserable for years in my previous relationships, AND I can pin point the exact moment when the love was gone, when the infatuation faded and I should have moved on to bigger and better things.  But, in stead I wanted to "fix" what was broken, I wanted to hold on to what was crumbling, I wanted desperately to be loved when all the while I should have walked away.  My failed romances have made me wise.  In fact, I would say that when I was single I looked around at some of my taken friends and my heart ached for them (and still does) because they were suffering everyday with a man who treats them like dirt. I can relate.  I stayed with men that treated me like garbage, because I was SO afraid of being single.  But, you know what I realized, after the dust settles from your break up, being single was MUCH better than my previous relationships ever were.  I did not feel special, I did not feel valued, I did not feel beautiful or unique.  So, I am telling you if you do not feel special and are not working on making your special someone feel the way you want to feel than there is something wrong in your union.  Something is broken.  The honey moon period does not have to end if you keep the magic feeling of being someone's morning rush alive. But, these things can only stay fresh if you both keep them that way.  If one of you is the only one trying than it can become irritating to the other.  Mr.TooGood tried tell me his theory about 100 percent once, it was that if one person is giving 100 percent than the other person will be giving zero and that a perfect relationship is 50-50.  I have to disagree in that I think that if you have dropped down to 50 percent than you are at half your effort.  In the beginning you are both at 100 percent and that is what feels so awesome, is because you are both maxed out for one another. Of course maintaining 100 percent may seem exhausting, but I promise one day you will find someone that makes 100 percent feel incredible.  They will make you want to give 100 percent and more because it just feels good.

"All of our reasoning ends in surrender to feeling."
Blaise Pascal 

Pretending to be someone you are not and lying about being happy about it will make you miserable.  So will not appreciating your partner I promise. Seriously, treat others the way that you want to be treated.  Be open but kind, be real but still classy and let the world know your partner is exceptional, because they are.  Don't assume anything.   That is my best life advice.  Never assume your partner knows what you are thinking, what you want, how you feel or how to make you feel the way you want to feel.  Express yourself and appreciate your love whenever you can.  Too much time is spent resenting one another, hating each other's never said words and judging.  Step away from trying to change your lover and lying to them, step away from being someone else in someone else's life, and step away from not appreciating what you have.  AND! Step into a person that you want to be.  We all make mistakes and relationships are not going to be sunshine, lolly pops and rainbows, but they can be magical and they can make you happy every day until the end of your days if you are with the right person doing what is best for both of you.  I know this to be fact because I have many friends who are living proof of this possibility.  They are madly in love for over a decade now with their partners and they are beautiful together.  They are real together.  They are the honeymoon period till the end of time.  I believe that the honey moon phase is possible to have forever and that happily ever does exist if you are strong enough to believe in not only your own capabilities and your lovers but the possibility of love.  And, if are not feeling this way with someone than I suggest you take time and fall in LOVE with yourself and your life! It is better to be alone and completely head over heels in love with every breathe you breath than spend one second with someone who takes away from your happiness.