Dating Coaches: Pick Up Artists Or Just Con Artist?

“It’s not lying, it’s flirting.” 
― Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists

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I have decided to skip blogging about my dating life this week and share this little story to you:

Last Friday I was waiting at a pub for Mr. Suit,as he has just returned from his trip to Africa.  A tall, dark and yes handsome man approached my table.  He asked if I was waiting for friends, which of course I was, what else would I be doing holding down a table at a busy pub on a Friday night?  Regardless of my response he asked if he could sit with me until they arrive.  So I agreed on the condition that when they arrived he would have to go as I wanted to hear about Mr. Suit’s trip and had not seen him in a long time.  The man sat down and we chatted for a few moments.  He sat across from me at the table.  Then he asked if the jacket beside me is mine which was laying taking up the seat beside me in the booth.  To which I responded it was, and then he made this bold move.  He walked over, moved my belongings and sat extremely close to me.  This is when we got on the topic of employment and he told me he is a dating coach.  I have to admit at first I thought he was full of shit, so I called him out on it asking if this was a line to pick up women.  To this question he produced not only a business card but also a pupil that had been watching us.  Hilarious.  Shortly after this my friends arrived, he asked for my number and I gave it to him because I did not want him to fail in front of his student.  I honestly never thought I would hear from him again until he texted me last week asking me out for a drink but life got so busy that I did not have time to reply, I do not think he cares too much about one random woman when I am sure he is swimming in a sea of them.

The End

Oh, we both lived happily ever after never seeing each other again...Would have been nice to write but this week he messaged me asking me if I had become a lesbian, to which I had to laugh at.  I had actually just gotten very busy with work and the Sun Run that I had totally forgotten to respond.  Seeing as how I was not interested and he meets a lot of women I did not even think about it.  But, to question my sexuality because of this fact made me fully realise I have made the right decision.  Also, his reaction may be connected to self esteem which I discuss below.  Needless to say I did respond this time and told him I was just not interested in a drink but was still interested in men.

While I am not the type of woman who could ever date a man in this profession it still got me to thinking.  Can the art of picking up women be taught?  Are all women so cookie cutter impressions of one another that one set of skills can successfully be applied to all of them?  But, primarily it got me to really ponder how these skills are transferable?  Luckily for me I have a business card of a man in such a profession and limitless resources to research this idea at the click of a mouse.  The following are three principles taught in how to pick up women laced with my commentary.  ALSO, at the end of this week’s blog is a question for you readers.  Please submit your answers to my email victoria_redlon@yahoo.com and the most thought provoking answer will win a prize! Thanks.

1)     "Natural Game.’ For anyone not familiar with this term it just means speaking to women without any tricks or gimmicks.”[2]  Natural game is essentially a theory that men do not need all the bells and whistles of the pick-up artist scene; it insinuates that men in their natural state are able to easily pick up women.  Some theorists of the pickup world think that this theory is the best solution in order to “Learn how brutal honesty can get you more action in the bedroom with women. Stop trying to "go under the radar" and stop using deceptive tactics to get women to sleep with you. Unburden yourself, become completely honest and open AND get much better results with women. Learn how to turn women on with complete honesty and never find yourself having to make up stories again.”[3] The honesty of this tactic sounds incredibly promising; however, the motivation behind this statement makes me flinch.  ‘Unburden yourself?’  Basically when I read the above sentence I see a lot of male dominated promises for other men, it does not say, be honest to build an honest foundation with women.  It does not say be honest because being honest is the best thing you can be for the woman you are interested in.  It also does not say be honest because women respect honesty.  It merely emphasizes that men should be honest for their own benefit, so basically they do not feel any guilt towards wanting to bed women.  Using honesty as a ploy to seduce women sounds just a scummy as using lies to reel them in. 

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“By believing in our nobler nature, women have the amazing power to inspire us to live up to it. This is one reason why men tend to fear commitment.” 
― Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists

Another humorous take on the natural game theory is bluntly said by LBD (a very famous pick up artists from the novel The Game) he says “This past weekend, I led a Love Systems boot camp in Seattle and one student asked me about the latest of these fads, which he called ‘natural game.’  According to this, you don’t need any of the best word-for-word scripts, you don’t need the step-by-step structure from Magic Bullets, you can just go out and be yourself and have fun and women will come to you.  I told him that this is what most of us were trying to do before we discovered dating science, that it didn’t work back then, and that it sure as heck won’t help new people get better now.”[5] Truth.  We are accustom to men working their lines on us; we have grown familiar with game.  In fact we expect men to have good game or forget it.  Personally telling a man to toss aside his game and just ‘be’ is not a good approach.  Also, I am not convinced men with game are dishonest.  I have been approached by men many different ways, some of them highly affective, some of them the opposite but there is a certain level of knowledge that men will run their game on you.  ALL women know this.  What women now have come to learn is to pick the man with the game that most attracts her.  Even in nature male animals like the peacock, fiddler crabs, and frogs use their given gifts to impress their female counterparts.  To which the female selectively chooses from the best displays.  Why should women be denied the natural allure to win her heart?  Men should impress women with their speech, and they do not need to lie to do this.  But, they certainly do need to run a little game.  It is the effort in the chase that makes a woman feel special.  If men begin to put no effort in, women will seek out those men that do (or perhaps women) leaving the men that have not only applied natural game theory, but also paid for it alone in the dust.

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“If there was anything I'd learned, it's that the man never chooses the woman. All he can do is give her an opportunity to choose him.” 
― Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists

2)     The “Physical Lie Detector” is a theory that is also taught by pick up artists that attempts to teach men how to read body language.  BRAVO! How to read body language is an extremely good lesson to learn, not just for men but for all people everywhere.  In particular the cues that suggest that you are too close for comfort, or that we are not interested in conversing with you.  The “Physical Lie Detector” also came with this warning: “Warning: sometimes ignorance is bliss. After gaining this knowledge, you may be hurt when it is obvious that someone is lying to you. The following deception detection techniques are used by police, forensic psychologists, security experts and other investigators.”[7]  By no means am I saying that the professionals that use this type of system are not using it accurately.  But, these individuals ARE professionals who along with this set of skills, have extensive knowledge.  I have to be honest, when I read the articles explaining how to detect lies I was more confused than when I began.  We must keep in mind that each individual is different, one article stated eye roaming as an indication of deception.  Let me tell you I often look around while chatting because I am easily distracted and sometimes feel uncomfortable with direct eye contact.  I can be telling someone what I ate for breakfast while my eyes roam and it has absolutely nothing to do with lying.  “Detecting lies is extremely difficult. It’s more of an art than a science. People can fool polygraph tests, so they can definitely fool you. There is no single behavior that indicates deception 100% of the time. Rather, detecting lies requires observing multiple behaviors and analyzing them using the surrounding context. Also, just because a person shows some of the signs we list below; it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re lying, just that they might be lying.”[8] Furthermore, Malcolm Gladwell discusses this school of thought and how incredibly hard it is to master in his book Blink.  Gladwell discusses that even through the process of himself studying human interactions he was still only able grasp a small amount of what is truly being told by body language.  This suggestion makes me question the ability of anyone to easily and quickly teach someone the art of the physical lie detector test.  Along with this challenge it is farfetched to then expect them to use their limited knowledge in a crowded, loud pub while intoxicated.  Therefore while I do think that the art of picking up women is highly dependent on reading body language.  I highly doubt that a weekend with a person who only understands the tip of the ice berg on such matters is the answer.  The only answer to truly understanding the woman you are interested in is to get to know her.  Once you do, you will be able to read her like a book.

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“In fact, every woman I met seemed disposable and replaceable. I was experiencing seducer's paradox: The better a seducer I became, the less I loved women. Success was no longer defined by getting laid or finding a girlfriend, but by how well I performed.” 
― Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists

3)     Confidence: building confidence to help men pick up women is a great idea.  But, make sure you do not create a monster.  One time I was speaking to a very kind hearted friend of mine about this and she said she had befriended a woman that had very low self esteem.  My friend said that she took the woman out with her, complimented her, and tried to increase the woman’s self esteem.  This worked very well and they had a great time together going out.  Until one night a man complimented the woman with who had had low self esteem and instead of saying “Thank you” she turned around with attitude and said “I know.”  What an ugly way to accept a compliment!  That is when my girlfriend said she realized she created a monster.  There is a major difference between confidence, which is very sexy and arrogance which is very scary!  I will be the first to admit I have a really hard time identifying between the two and am more often than not attracted to the latter.  I love men that ooze self confidence, but that does not mean these men are good in relationships.  But, I fully agree with teaching healthy confidence as it allows men to approach women and it also makes them better lovers.  This got me really thinking about the confidence of a man who needs to pick up different women every night.  I began to think about a man who thinks that his success is so noteworthy that he teaches other men to have meaningless but apparently honest sex with as many dates as possible.  Are these the actions of hubris? Or are these the actions of low self esteem within themselves?  Is a dating coach compensating for his lack of confidence with women?  The whole concept confuses me.

QUESTION: What do you think of dating coaches/pick up artists?  Do you think that they are able to teach men the right way to approach women?  If so what do you consider to be right?

Thanks again for reading! XO

“That's when I started to leave it behind. I realized that I got my entire validation from women. Women became like gods to me, but false gods.” 
― Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists

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[1] http://www.lifestylegod.com/are-you-waiting-to-see-the-game-on-the-big-screen

[2] http://www.meetup.com/How-to-meet-date-women-in-Vancouver/events/110489412/

[3] Ibid.

[4] https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+men+and+women&hl=en&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=-Hd1UcY-zsGLAuG9geAD&ved=0CDkQsAQ&biw=812&bih=494#imgrc=wOqZeVc7H3oQ0M%3A%3B55vdy2-2DO1YCM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.zootpatrol.com%252Fwp-content%252Fuploads%252F2010%252F09%252Fmenvswomen2.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.zootpatrol.com%252Findex.php%252F2010%252F09%252Fmen-and-womens-different-interpretations-of-the-same-words%252F%3B340%3B309

[5] http://www.lovesystems.com/dating-advice/inner-game/natural-game

[6] https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+men+and+women&hl=en&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=-Hd1UcY-zsGLAuG9geAD&ved=0CDkQsAQ&biw=812&bih=494#imgrc=402A3Y-V8DgdPM%3A%3BxuMkJk2C-BBWVM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fthesocietypages.org%252Fsocimages%252Ffiles%252F2008%252F12%252Fsc00fd48ec.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fthesocietypages.org%252Fsocimages%252F2008%252F12%252F07%252Fif-only-men-and-women-could-understand-each-other%252F%3B1446%3B1495

[7] http://www.blifaloo.com/info/lies.php

[8] http://www.artofmanliness.com/2010/01/08/become-a-human-lie-detector-how-to-sniff-out-a-liar/

[9] https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+men&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=9391UYuQBoPKiwLaqoG4Bw&ved=0CDkQsAQ&biw=1920&bih=1105#tbm=isch&sa=1&q=pictures+of+men+trying+to+pick+up+women&oq=pictures+of+men+trying+to+pick+up+women&gs_l=img.3...1584.8377.0.8588.36.31.2.0.0.0.421.4132.18j5j0j2j4.29.0...0.0...1c.1.9.img.brC-v6la6PQ&bav=on.2,or.r_cp.r_qf.&bvm=bv.45512109,d.cGE&fp=9b8735f98072cc61&biw=1920&bih=1105&imgrc=nkjfGW1A2VP0QM%3A%3BvlUUrfCFpSH-XM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww2.macleans.ca%252Fwp-content%252Fuploads%252F2012%252F03%252FMAC09_THE_NATURALMERGE_wide.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww2.macleans.ca%252F2012%252F03%252F08%252Fhow-to-pick-up-women-naturally%252F%3B660%3B277

[10] https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+men&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=9391UYuQBoPKiwLaqoG4Bw&ved=0CDkQsAQ&biw=1920&bih=1105#tbm=isch&sa=1&q=pictures+of+female+gods&oq=pictures+of+female+gods&gs_l=img.3..0j0i24l7.80283.84514.0.84680.25.21.1.0.0.1.382.3803.7j2j5j5.19.0...0.0...1c.1.9.img.zR1C1xreA10&bav=on.2,or.r_cp.r_qf.&fp=9b8735f98072cc61&biw=1920&bih=1053&imgrc=EUgAMMpXJPj-1M%3A%3B-ES_74fEGCXZSM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252F2.bp.blogspot.com%252F-R3_G8mRirOw%252FT0iKBeZUKlI%252FAAAAAAAAEaI%252F9ecqeD-aOdw%252Fs1600%252FTheia.jpg%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwitcheri.blogspot.com%252F2012%252F02%252Fgreek-gods-and-goddesses-v.html%3B900%3B1066