Diary Of A City Girl : Straight Men + Straight Women Can It Ever = Just Friends? The Issue of Sexual Tension

Can straight men and women be friends?

“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever”
― Dave Matthews Band

This question seems to come up time and time again and it always gets mixed reviews. When I was dating Mr. AA he always said “Men and women cannot be friends” His reasoning behind this statement is that they will end up sleeping together. This made me think of my man friends, and I would like to say that I have not slept with the men I consider key male friends, but that does not mean I have not found out that they have at some point in time thought about it, or found myself thinking about it either. The most engrained memory I have of this revelation is about a year after high school graduation I went to visit a very good friend of mine in University. We were chatting and we were a bit drunk, I told him that I had a crush on him back in high school, that was when he said he had the same feelings and that he still had them, which of course led to awkward silence followed by my attempt to smooth things over with a I just like you as a friend speech. Another time not too far after this time my friend admitted he was interested, in the same manner after I had told him when we initially began to get one another that I was interested but by the time this chat happened I was not interested in him so after his revelation I had to again give the you are my friend speech too. However, when I thought about it, I realized almost all of my friendships with men have resulted in them expressing interest, or a friend of a friend telling me they really would prefer to be more than just friends. In fact, I found myself realizing that I too had, had feelings of more than just friendship with these men in the beginning of our friendships. But, even given these mixed emotions, in my personal opinion I do think it is possible to be friends with the opposite sex. Of course these complications do not arise when:

1) One of the friends is homosexual, or

2) they are married or in a committed relationship, or

3) they are not someone you find physically attractive or

4) they have a severe personality trait that you find yourself not attracted to sexually but on a friend level you do not mind.

Some of you may be reading this thinking that it is absurd to think that two attractive, single, fabulous people cannot be friends, so I decided to do some research on this topic to see if I am the only one questioning this possibility.

“Daily experience suggests that non-romantic friendships between males and females are not only possible, but common—men and women live, work, and play side-by-side, and generally seem to be able to avoid spontaneously sleeping together. However, the possibility remains that this apparently platonic coexistence is merely a façade, an elaborate dance covering up countless sexual impulses bubbling just beneath the surface.”(1)

“In order to investigate the viability of truly platonic opposite-sex friendships—a topic that has been explored more on the silver screen than in the science lab—researchers brought 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends into…a science lab... The results suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief... However, men and women differed in the extent to which they saw attached friends as potential romantic partners. Although men were equally as likely to desire “romantic dates” with “taken” friends as with single ones, women were sensitive to their male friends’ relationship status and uninterested in pursuing those who were already involved with someone else.” (2)

Basically sexual tension is the possible downfall of all co-ed friendships. What is interesting in the above mentioned study is this; first, men over estimate their own attractiveness and assume that women feel the same way and, secondly, that men do not mind taken women, but these are two interesting facts that can be explored another day. Keeping on the topic of male and female friends it is suggested that the reason why sexuality is an issue for straight women and men attempting a friendship is that it is in our biological make up to want one another. "While men and women can be friends, it is difficult for the relationship to be entirely platonic. Our genetics simply drive our attraction to the opposite sex! The likelihood that at least one party is drawn to the other sexually is very high, regardless of whether or not anything ever comes of it. This is the reason jealousy and infidelity exists; we are not wired to be a monogamous species."(3) Could this be true? Are we hard wired to crave the opposite sex so much that friendship is not feasible?

“Women I spoke to consistently said that it is “difficult to impossible” to have fulfilling friendships with men because as the friendship develops, men will inevitably want to elevate the relationship to a romantic level. Similarly but in much simpler terms, men I spoke to said that it is difficult to be friends with women “when you want to sleep with them”. So I believe that the element of sexual tension from my own experiences and the literature is an obstacle for healthy female-male friendships to blossom. But here is the thing, I was spending time with weekend with a good friend Ms. J (this is a new Ms. J, as the other Ms. J are on the outs indefinitely) and her good friend Mr. D and they both agreed it is possible, and then joked that it is only possible after you unsuccessfully try to hook up.

Here is the thing at the end of all this debating why would you not want to try and hook up with someone you find attractive, who is funny, fun, witty, and someone you like. Is this not the point of meeting new people? Or reconnecting with old? I actually do not think it is a bad thing that the men I have mentioned in the past expressed their desires; in fact I like it a lot. They are all amazing men who now reaching maturity in my life I probably would jump at the opportunity to get with. In fact, I think it is more flattering when a male friend likes you, because he actually knows you. Anyone can like you because of your looks. But, when a man who actually knows you, knows your obnoxious laugh and goes in public with you anyways; knows how when you get home after too much to drink you binge eat in his bed and make him sleep on the sofa as you crumb up his sheets but still has you over time and time again; and a man who admits to being your friend no matter how embarrassing that claim may be is a man who truly knows you. And, if you are fortunate enough to have a man who knows you like this actually who turns to you one day and tells you he likes it, than that is not only an awesome compliment but it is something special. Of course, if you are not thinking the same thing about him it makes you feel uncomfortable and possibly puts a cramp in your friendship cycle for a while. But, here is another thing I have learned about man friends, and the point Mr. D and Ms. J were making in the comment mentioned above, men and women can get over sexual tension. In fact the interesting thing about men is that they can tell you they love you one day, and you can tell them you do not feel the same way, but the next week call them to hit up the pub they are down to have a few beers and carry on your friendship. Men have an uncanny ability to move passed expressing their feelings one day and acting like that never happened the next. I know this because I am still friends with the men mentioned above. But, it is also important if said man has expressed feelings for you that cool your jets on the amount of time you spend cuddling up to him while watching a movie, or crashing at his place and all the little things women do with their man friends sans boyfriend (I know for fact that I am not the only woman who does these things) you have to down grade to treating him a little bit more like a new friend for a while or it is just leading him on, which is cruel.

In my own dating life, still nothing to report as this hiatus is going smashingly well. Except there is always Mr. Yukon lingering in the works. He is working in and out of cell phone service so the moments are fleeting, but they are sweet moments none the less.

Thanks for reading, XOXO.