5 Things NOT To Say Post Breakup

“The Young Man came to the Old Man seeking counsel.
I broke something, Old Man.
How badly is it broken?
It's in a million little pieces.
I'm afraid I can't help you.
Why?
There's nothing you can do.
Why?
It can't be fixed.
Why?
It's broken beyond repair. It's in a million little pieces.” 
― James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

So you can probably guess from the theme of this week’s post that Mr. Tattoo and I hit a major bump in our relationship road.  And, by bump I mean it may possibly be over as soon as it began.  However, heart ache puts me in a mood where I do not much feel like writing about myself.  So instead I have chosen to write the top five things not to say to someone who has just been dumped:

1)     You will meet someone amazing? Ohhhhh that is super awesome! (in my SUPER sarcastic voice).  When your heart has been torn by someone you truly feel is amazing you certainly do not want to hear you might meet someone who will do the same thing!  You also are probably just trying to make it through the day without doing lunatic things like fight for your past amazing person with lunachick texting, or cry in the bathroom stall at work.  SO! Pulling yourself together is actually your main focus.  The mere thought of actually trying to organize yourself enough to attract a man is a frightening concept.  In particular because isn’t that exactly how you got into this mess?  Yes, so instead of attempting to pick up your friend’s spirits by suggesting she will meet someone awesome, try telling her that her life is amazing not that she will find someone who might somehow better it. 

“More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone.
More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to feel as if i wasn't alone.” 
― James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

2)     You are so much better than him.  Seriously?  That really does not matter, nor may it be true but somehow friends always say this in a break up.  Also, I am not really sure why friends do this post break up instead of pre-relationship! Here is a classic example I dated a guy in C town for about eight months, when things ended Ms. M was trying to lighten my spirits and she told me “You are way better looking than him anyways” This peaked my interest so I asked her if she would explain and these were her exact words “Well you are in the major leagues and let’s just say he is trying out for little league” astonishing that she felt this way for almost a year and never told me.  So, it is wonderful that you want to tell your friends how much better they are then their exes but that just makes them feel like now not only have been they dumped BUT they have apparently been dumped by a non attractive looser.  Which means that they were dating a non attractive looser which really is not a positive realization!  So instead of saying you are so much better, try saying your life will be so much better!  Thanks!

“I think of how and why and what happened and the thoughts come easily, but the answers don't.” 
― James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

3)     Now you have more time for you.  Obviously.  I was not dating someone to have more time for me.  I was dating someone because I wanted to have more time with someone else!  Yes having more time for yourself is awesome don’t get me wrong, and with all the volunteering, running and working I do I could always use and appreciate more of it.  But, that is beside the point.  This statement rings with now you will have more time to sit and stew about all the things that you really don’t want to stew about because you have more time alone to think.  Amazing...not.  Instead of saying this try saying, now you have time to do __________ (enter in a future goal here) for example.  Now you have more time to train for your upcoming marathon, or trip, etc.  Do not indicate how now the person who is broken is now going to be alone more, because that thought is not comforting.

“That was beautiful.
She is holding my hand.
No, it wasn't.
If she let go, I would fall apart.
It was. It was beautiful because it was honest and it was beautiful because it hurt and it was beautiful because you didn't have to tell it to me. 
Fall apart.
It makes me feel like shit.” 
― James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

4)     He will totally come back to you. YIKES!!  I know this statement is well intended.  It is like a “Girl! You are so amazing he is going to realize it and want to be with you!” but it comes across as “Right when you have your shit together he will come and curb stomp your heart again.”  No thanks.  At the point of picking up the pieces of your broken heart you certainly do not want to think the guy who put it in that state is going to walk up behind you and knock the pieces right out of your shaky little hands.  Break ups are not times of strength!  They definitely make you stronger, but at the breaking point you are weak, emotional, quasi crazy, often intoxicated, etc.  You are not strong enough to think of your ex coming back and winning you over.  (Also, this life is not a movie! Men don’t come crawling back with grandeur gestures of romance! Get real).  In fact the thought of him coming back and mending your breaks is comforting until that swoon of pain reminds you and then you will feel like this again.  But, the second time you will have no one to blame but yourself, so on top of your pain you will also have the nagging reminder that you are sort of an idiot.  Instead of saying this statement try saying things will get better.  Hearing things will get better is always welcome.

“Be smart, be strong, be proud, live honorably and with dignity, and just hold on.” 
― James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

5)     You should go out and hook up with some hot guy.  This in theory sounds like a great idea and I am not claiming I have never done this in the past.  However, at 31 years old the art of the post-break-up-hook-up is actually a bit of a disaster! Why?  Because you my friend with your insecure emotions and messy mental state are really in no condition to (most likely in an alcohol induced state) have a one night stand.  Yes please add rejection to my rejection, or disgust in myself to my rejection or loss of respect, etc.  The politics of the post one night stand are intended for those with healthy self esteem in a good mind frame, not lunachicks in the middle of break down.  See after a break up you are really needing emotional support, so look for it in all the right places! Not between the sheets at some frat party.  After Mr. X and I broke up I spent a week with a 21 year old, only to realize that a) I really have nothing in common with 21 year olds (in particular 21 year old boys) b) I am old, well okay I am not OLD but I felt old because I wanted to go to bed at a regular time and not do keg stands at 4 am and c) 21 year old boys (while a LOT of fun and a GREAT distraction!) are not sure what they are thinking and do not really have solid personalities.  So all a one night stand is a moment’s distraction (which can be an amazing relief from feeling shitty) but they are really just adding insult to injury.  Instead of saying this statement try saying let’s go try this new restaurant, or go to the beach, or have a spa day suggest something that rejuvenate the soul not something that degrades it.

There you have it my lovelies!  While all these statements are of course well intended they actually are the hardest to hear right off the bat.  So try these new alternatives.  I am not sure what I am thinking or how I am doing so I will spare you the details of my uncertain situation for another day.  But, as always send your positive thoughts my way! A girl can always use them. XO 

All images are beaches because I love beaches and are from the following site: 

http://www.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http://www.australia.com/contentimages/about-australias-landscapes-coastal-australian-beaches.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.australia.com/about/australias-landscapes/australian-beaches.aspx&h=1080&w=1920&sz=1397&tbnid=O9EJNv1ClYJbJM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=160&zoom=1&usg=__ZgEdzxbPnkmOiNQ6q8-smD4Qc6s=&docid=hAWLGeYnsAZYPM&sa=X&ei=uAPwUfmGOKGcjAL8-IGIAQ&ved=0CDUQ9QEwAg&dur=405