Love Stinks

"Until this moment, I had not realized that someone could break your heart twice, along the very same fault lines.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

So I am dealing with a, in retrospect minor broken heart (not as major as last year) and I guess the best thing to do is talk about it here we go.  Last week Mr. Tattoo was a bit odd to me so out of curiosity I checked the Facebook page of the woman he originally strayed on me with and there was her status bold as day bragging about rocking his world.  Ouch.  To add insult to injury she later posted something about soul mates so for my own sanity I blocked her.  But, that is not all, he and I talked and agreed to stay together which is the most demeaning and bizarre thing to do, but then he changed his mind and in the end he broke up with me in a vague text that said he needed to take a few days to think, which in reality actually means I am just going to say I am thinking and never talk to you again.  It is actually not so much the infidelity nor the "you're possibly or possibly not dumped" text, but more so the fact when all was texted and done he full on ignored me.  Once again I have stooped to a catagory of man does not even deem me or our relationship worth a two minute conversation of "Hey, thanks for the good times but I am not interested."   (At this point in time I would like to acknowledge that my inner lunachick came out and sent a series of attacks via text message, but with all things considered I think that he got off lightly). So, I am at this point where I have not only been cheated on but I was also the one who got dumped in most careless way possible, (next to being Facebook dumped that is) double whammy my friends.  But, it got me to thinking of all the crazy things we do in the name of what we think might be love and I decided this week to blog about the three crazy things that my girlfriends and I have done in order to try and stop getting dumped.

“The only thing a boyfriend was good for was a shattered heart.” 
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Crescendo

1)     You become a master negotiator...of your own standards.  Have you ever been passionately involved in a discussion and your partner suddenly throws in the towel and immediately you feel a rush of despair?  Well, you are not alone.  Suddenly you realize you are really not sure why you were arguing because it was not to end things!  So, in your moment of complete desperation you agree to outlandish and let’s face it disrespectful things.  The following are examples from my girlfriends and I and our experiences:  You find him in bed with another the women the morning after and when he explains he wants to be with other people you agree, or you find that he is texting his ex all the time and telling her he loves and misses her and somehow at the end of the argument you are the one apologizing for looking at his phone and agreeing to respect his privacy, or you find that he is suggesting a new relationship with another woman and waiting for her response and somehow you agree you will wait to see if he leaves you or stays.  WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?!?  Are we so desperate for love that we throw our dignity under the bus?  Are we so starved for love that we sell ourselves regardless of the costs to our self worth?  I hope not!  I have been this desperate, love crazed woman more often than I would like to admit and basically I find that we wheel some kind of knowledge like “Well he fills my soul most of the time so I don’t mind the bad parts”  This mentality is bonkers!  Instead why don't you find someone that fills your soul with love and happiness all the time and doesn’t try and trick you into lunatic compromises that are actually complete douchery.  When Mr. X and I ended I actually attempted to say that I would move to Vancouver and build my career but still go to small town a 4 hour commute on the weekends to keep up the acerage, WTF? I totally would not do this ludicrous action in reality but there was just a moment of complete desperation that I thought this would be a great compromise and make him stay, while also exhausting me and making me miserable. The amazing thing is you can often tell your girlfriends the ridiculous things you are doing and they at first will completely fly off the handles, they tell you you are worth so much more,  but in the end they all say the same thing that they love you and support you no matter what so of course you carry on pretending that you are as sane as could be in your complete lunachick manner.

“I was blind and heart broken and didn't want to do anything and Gus burst into my room and shouted, "I have wonderful news!" And I was like, "I don't really want to hear wonderful news right now," and Gus said, "This is wonderful news you want to hear," and I asked him, "Fine, what is it?" and he said, "You are going to live a good and long life filled with great and terrible moments that you cannot even imagine yet!” 
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

2)     Beggars can’t be choosers.  Somehow in your emotional state you become so weak that you have become desperate.  So desperate in fact that when he goes to walk out the door or tells you it’s over you beg.  You say things like “Please don’t do this” and what not in your most desperate of voices I am sure.  The thing that makes it begging is you may say it repeatedly until they finally give in or think you are mad as a hatter and walk away.  Both options are possible.  Now, I understand that people beg for food, spare change, smokes, etc but for love?  Why must we beg the person we love to be with us? That is crazy.  The person you love should want to be with you just as you (rather desperately apparently) want to be with them.  Begging should not be part of the equation.  But, in our delirious state of complete and utter heart ache we realize we must stop them from ending things and this is apparently in our nature.  Hopefully for you he will continue to walk right on past you, you mad woman, as this type of relationship can go totally sideways quickly! Also, begging gives complete control to your partner and degrades you.  The thing is beggars can actually be choosers of one thing, that is not to beg! So, pick up your self esteem, respect, etc and move on I say!  I also admit to being this insane person as well, wallowing in the despair of pain and loss and just begging for that one more chance to make the mistake we are fighting over again, like Tom Petty says “Round, and round and round we go”

“This time I wouldn't forget him, because I couldn't ever forgive him - for breaking my heart twice.” 
― James Patterson, Sundays at Tiffany's

3)     We play games.  Is it weird that we start off our relationships playing useless games and then somehow we end them the same way?  Once again two wrongs always make a right...nope!  For example oh he cheated on you did he? THE NERVE!  You are just going to go right ahead and cheat on him right back! That’ll show him.  The only thing this kind of reaction shows anyone is that you are spiteful.  Also, that you are selling your body for some kind of revenge that is just strange.  Have sex because you want to have sex, it is after all pretty amazing so why would you start to do it for all the wrong reasons?  Or you see that he is texting women from work so you start to text random men.  Or perhaps he sees that your picture is just a little too sexy on Facebook, so then he comments and hides his relationnship status, or whatever crazy games you have started to do because you want to hurt one another is not a good idea.  Once again why do you want to hurt someone?   In particular why do you want to hurt someone you supposedly love? Okay, I know why it is because you are really hurt and in pain and want to lash out.  Like the wounded tiger you want to bite and scratch someone’s eyes out.  I understand, but what I want to tell you is that this reaction will only hurt you even more.  You will only feel good when you have not done all the wrong that you can do.  You will only feel respect with dignity when you have not stooped to a new low to get one back at someone you clearly still care about.  Just quit playing games and accepts the fact that something shitty happened to you, you are in pain, but wounds heal and so will you.  I promise.

And then,  I had a moment of complete sane clarity! I realized that I am worth being with someone (or even better not with anyone) who is actually not a total douche, and that clearly Mr. Tattoo would never fit into this standard.  I compressed all my positive thoughts about myself into one realization that the best woman did win, and it was me.  And, the prize was not some short, premature balding wanker, no, not at all.  The prize was actually freedom from such a creature! Freedom to enjoy life and meet new amazing people and freedom to realize how much better this life is without him in it.  Freedom to excel at my career and train and focus on all the things in my life that are positive and amazing.  Truth be told I had a lot of anxiety that Mr. Tattoo would lessen my quality of life given some of his less admirable qualities and addictions, but I was blinded by hope that affection would be enough which was incredibly foolish!  Love is never enough, but it is a really good start to build something amazing only if the two of you are smart enough to realize it! Well here we are once again back at square one, with new felt optimism and clarity!  See the positive side of a broken heart is that when it heals it brings with it new knowledge and often new direction.  Thanks for reading! XO