“Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me.
Perhaps I've spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and
consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high.”
― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey
― E.L. James, Fifty Shades of Grey
In the theme of my blog on why women cheat a while back I
did come across the suggestion that women are straying because they are not
sexually fulfilled in their relationships, which planted the seed for this very
blog. I will be honest with you there is
nothing worse than being rejected by your lover either in person or in a
sext. Let me explain. I have been in both situations, I have tried
to express my inner desires to my exes and I know right away they are totally
wigged out. I know this because they get
a look in their eyes; it is not so much judgement but more like fear. For example if I say they should pull my hair
hard I can see their mental wheels turning around how this should be performed
and whether or not they are comfortable with doing such a deed. Of course they are uncomfortable! Since the
playground men are taught NOT to pull hair, no biting, always be nice, and
always be gentle. Then these boys grow
into sexually charged teenagers and are further taught that if you want your
dreams to come true of touching a girl you have to be nice to her, buy her the
flowers, take her on the date, and talk to her kindly. Men are raised to treat girls like sugar and
spice and everything nice. But with
copies of 50 shades of Grey selling
off the shelves and the Secretary’s
2002 release grossing over 6 million at the box office it is time for women to
tell men “Naughty is the new nice baby!”
What is
interesting is that when I asked Ms. J about this topic she said that she did
not believe that men are reserved, but then I had to think of my own personal
experiences dirty talking. Some men have
the ability while other’s REALLY do not.
They are awkward and say the most candy coated things, so if men are
able to express their sexuality so easily than why don’t they? I have to
disagree with Ms. J on this point as I think a lot of men out there are
secretly desiring the dark world of the bed room but are unable to express
it. I will share with you this little
tale, I once was in an intimate moment with a young lover and I said something
to him that cannot be repeated here, my curious little readers, and he actually
said this back to me “I really want to kiss your mouth” Mmmhmm, kiss my
mouth. While of course kissing mouths is
nice and all that jazz but when I am heating it up between the sheets that is
not really what I am looking for, what am I 14? I believe that men have been
programmed since the day they are born that respect for a woman means to always
be sickly sweet. But, I think that
respect can be knowing a woman is strong enough to know what she wants in the
bedroom, and if all else fails my confused little lovers that is what safe
words are for.
Surprise, surprise I found a
large amount of literature out there about what men want in the bedroom
BUT are too afraid to ask for. No doubt! This little gem is from “5 things
Men Secretly Want in Bed But Are
Afraid to Ask For” “The consensus is that girls aren’t
vocal enough in bed, and guys don’t know how to tell them to open their mouths
and let loose. On the other hand, some guys wanted to be the ones to talk, but
were nervous that what they really wanted to say might be offensive.”(1) So I am not saying ever force your desires
on your lady friends to the men out there but what I am saying is get a little
dirty, express yourself, you may just be happily surprised by the outcome. What
is also interesting that was brought up by my lovely little married friend (and
fully supported by the majority of literature out there) is that married
couples have more sexual expression due to the security in their relationship
and longevity.
Now there are some incredibly sexually liberated societies
out there, do not get me wrong fetish clubs are great! But, I am talking about
dating here. Regular old vanilla
dating. I actually coined the term
vanilla sex in regards to the majority of my past relationships. See it is not only men that are taught to
sensor themselves from a young age.
Women are also taught these things, they are taught to be nice, be soft,
be pretty, they are not taught that sexuality is part of human nature and
exploring it is going to be one of the most amazing parts of their lives! There
is nothing wrong with being curious, or, HEAVEN FORBID, a little aroused when
you hear about taboo fetishes. But,
women often feel an enormous amount
of fear for rejection and judgement. “The overarching theme… is that they’re all things that we think we
shouldn’t want—because they’re either unladylike or anti-feminist or
degrading—and so we’re afraid of asking for them, lest we be judged by our
partners, or worse, ourselves. But we need to let go of our social propriety
complexes and understand that there are different rules when you’re bumping
uglies from when you’re having high tea with your mother in law.”(2) So I was curious what is shame keeping women
from expressing? I looked into it and it turns out the glorious five things
women are secretly wanting from their lovers are:
1)
ROUGH SEX
2)
DIRTY TALK
3)
WATCHING PORN
4)
ANAL
5)
BDSM (3)
Another surprise, surprise here that this list matches the
opposite sexes desire list to a T. How awfully supressed we are to both be
longing for our big top five and be too afraid of each other to ask for it!
Tsk, tsk.
It is no wonder that words like this “I want you sore,
baby,” he murmurs, and he continues his sweet, leisurely torment, backward,
forward. “Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve
been here. Only me. You are mine” (4) took
the world by storm. How dare E. L. James read our dirty little
minds and write it all down on paper! Or perhaps she deserves a standing
ovation for all those sexually repressed women she liberated into realizing
they wanted something a little socially taboo!
Who after they read it pronounced to their friends and lovers their new
desires. BRAVO! So my advice to you is EXPRESS YOURSELF! You
can always blame it on the passion, the booze, the TV, whatever if it is not perceived
well. You can live your whole life living
in mediocrity out of fear of rejection or you can knock boots like you have always
fantasized about with a person who does not judge you. It is VERY important to note her you should
never feel pressured into sexual liberation, that is actually the opposite of
liberation. Your exploration has to be
consensual and something you are both intrigued by. I shiver when Ms. M tells me “Oh ya I know a
girl that did something sexually she did not enjoy because she did not want to
lose her man.” If you are with someone who
is into something that you are not into then you have to either negotiate a comfortable
middle ground that you enjoy, or realize that he is not your sexual soul mate
and then decide if you can live with that.
See the sad thing is that we live in a society that is also trained to
deprioritize sexual compatibility. We
focus on the aspects of social compatibility instead, but sexual compatibility is
essential to a happy long term relationship.
I have ended dates early, left abruptly mid make out session and kicked
half naked men out of my house unfulfilled because they have done something during
the buildup to sexual intimacy that has made me realize there is no way this is
going to be satisfying. I have also
tried to stay in the vanilla sex relationship and let me tell you it leads to a
lot of fantasizing and never feeling fulfilled; it also leads to a little resentment
towards your lover because they disregard your desires. So once again it all ties back to honesty, be
honest to you. Are you having mind blowing
intimacy? Is your sex life all it can be? If you answer no then you really need
to ask yourself why? And how can I fix it? If you are wondering where I stand on
the satisfaction ladder the answer is I was raised that if you never ask you never
know, so the asking part I have got covered, but getting satisfaction to those
questions, well that is another story.
On Monday while it began to pour rain whilst I had no
umbrella, right after I had attempted to put on chap stick that the center flew
out of it into the middle of the street Colbie Cobalt’s song “I never told you”
comes on. With the lyrics “I miss those
blue eyes. How you kissed me at
night. I miss the way we sleep” I missed
Mr. X. See writing this blog I have been
so full of piss and vinegar that I forgot that blood pumps through these veins,
to a heart that is still healing. It has
been easier to think of all the garbage of the past than the moments that make
us fall in love. For example I miss
texts in the morning telling me to have a great day and how beautiful I am
every day, I miss getting flowers delivered no matter where I am just to make
me feel special, I miss dancing into the wee hours of the night with Mr. X, I
miss being silly and being accepted, I miss having a lover who is also your
best friend and someone you begin to feel is the best part of your life. To be truthful missing someone does not mean
that I want him back, we have come too far, there is no rewind button on
life. But, on that dreary Monday I
realized there is a void in my heart where love use to be, and that made me
realize two things. 1) Missing that love makes me incredibly sad and 2) I do
need more time to get over Mr. X.
The interesting thing is that it
is not so much him I am missing but the little things, the feelings, the
love. It got me to thinking that after
you have fallen fully in love can you fall in love again? I have felt that for the past half a year I
have been without. Living in a state of
fear of rejection, and heart ache which has lead me to keep men at a
distance. I cannot shake the memory of
falling asleep saying “I love you” to someone and waking up in a totally new
life path and not being able to go back to that love. Once your world is shaken is it truly possible
to pick up all the pieces and carry on? I spoke of scars of the past that
remind us to tread careful, but it is those scars that are crippling me these
days. I have felt numb more than I have
felt excited about the opposite sex; I have felt myself REALLY trying to be
enthusiastic about dating but getting exhausted because at the end of the day I
still feel afraid of the past. I feel
empty and more hopeless about finding that right someone than ever before. After
six months of haphazard dating I am more skeptical of finding someone that
makes falling in love feel as easy as I did almost four years ago. Here is the thing; according to the break up
calculator used in my first blog I still have until May to have these
feelings. But, if Mr. X appeared I would literally run
away from him, like the scene from the film “How Do You Know” when Jack
Nicholson is trying to give Paul Rudd bad news and Paul Rudd literally runs away
down the street as away from Nicholson.
I have added the link below to relate the point and for comical relief
in my cynicism. I was speaking with Ms.
K and my lovely married friend (from previous blog) and I said “I think the
reason I have not met someone to fully connect with is that I am so confused in
my own head as to what I want, I am projecting this uncertainty out there and
getting all this mess” Also I am
projecting a half way there vibe, I want to be there to fall with someone but I
also am petrified and therefore reluctant so I am in a battle with my own self.
So, this week I had an unfortunate revelation that I still miss my Mr. X, still
have some getting over to do, BUT more importantly I need to get a clear idea
of the type of man I am searching for, is he blue collar, is he white collar,
does that matter? Does he live in Downtown, North Van or the surrounding area,
does that matter? All the factors I need to sort out. Just as important I need to discover what I
want from that man or I will just keep creating confusion everywhere I go. This week I have decided not to speak of my
dating life, it just does not seem appropriate given what I am talking about in
this blog. Until next week I will be
sorting myself out, and hopefully feeling more than the usual for the opposite
sex.
“And if you’re in love than you’re the lucky one cause most
of us are bitter over someone”
References:
1)
“Five Things Men Secretly Want in Bed But Are Afraid
to Ask For” Daily Date Olivia Quiver April 18th 2011
2)
“Five Things Women Secretly Want in Bed But Are Afraid to Ask For”
Daily Date Olivia Quiver April 15th 2011
3)
Ibid.
4)
“50 Shades of Grey” E. L James (http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/15732562-fifty-shades-of-grey
)
