Cheater. Cheater. Pumpkin Eater: Why WOMEN Cheat.

“When people cheat in any arena, they diminish themselves-they threaten their own self-esteem and their relationships with others by undermining the trust they have in their ability to succeed and in their ability to be true.”
― Cheryl Hughes

In reference to my last blog it got me to thinking about why women cheat.  The truth of the matter is I actually have no idea why men cheat and I never will fully understand as I have never been, am not and most likely will never be a man.  I have however cheated; therefore I do know why I cheated and have decided that it is time to open up about the cheating epidemic.  You may be thinking epidemic is a strong word, but when researching cheating it became evident that women may become more frequent cheaters than men. “While men have always had a worse reputation for being unfaithful, recent studies show that women are catching up fast - but we are a lot more likely to lie about it, and a lot less likely to get caught. Simply put, it seems that women are better at having affairs than men.”(1) Which is probably why: “According to an American Sexual Behavior study, 14% of married women have cheated at least once, compared to 22% of married men”(2) But given the earlier quote about women’s ability to cover up their transgressions perhaps the numbers for women would be even higher.  Both references agreed that the rate at which women are being unfaithful is increasing at a steady rate, thus suggesting women may become the leaders in the world of the infidelity. I will be the first to admit, monogamy has been a challenge for me.  While sex is amazing that is not the reason why.  It is not that I have insatiable lust that cannot be fulfilled by one man (while some may disagree) I have cheated out of emotional vacancies.  Let me explain, I was visiting my lovely married girlfriend and I told her:

“I am just not really good at monogamy, never have been”

She said “Is it the alcohol?”

To which I replied “No, actually, it is for emotional fulfillment.  I have cheated when I am unhappy with my relationship feeling neglected, underappreciated, and I have talked the issue dead in the face and nothing has changed”

In fact, “There are many reasons for infidelity such as revenge, boredom, the thrill of sexual novelty, sexual addiction. But experts say that a large majority of the time, motivations differ by gender, with men searching for more sex or attention and women looking to fill an emotional void.”(3) I am not ever saying this reason is an excuse; there is no excuse for cheating.  It is a dick move.  But, attention in the form of a man flattering you, praising you and chasing you reminds you for a moment that you are to be appreciated and how it feels.  It feels amazing.  In particular if you are in a toxic relationship, fighting all the time, constantly feeling trapped but not brave enough to just get up and leave because you have a life with your partner.(4)” Sex can be an instant pick-me-up; a self-esteem booster that makes women feels sexier, more beautiful and more loved. If your wife or girlfriend has self-esteem issues, it doesn’t mean she’s automatically going to cheat -- and it’s certainly not your fault if she does -- but there are ways to make her feel secure in the relationship that could help her from straying. Pay attention to her, ask her questions and don’t hold back on compliments -- a little flattery goes a long way with women.” (5)  This quote really hit home for me, it is self-esteem, insecurity and whatever else you are feeling that make you feel emotionally void and sad, and when reaching this point that I have cheated.  BUT, I do also have to say that revenge is a close second. For example; “No, you didn’t cheat, but whether you blew your retirement fund in Vegas or got caught in a big lie, you did break her trust (and, possibly, her heart). She feels wounded and betrayed -- and wants to hurt you the same way you hurt her. To regain her trust, it’s not enough just to tell her you’re sorry; you have to show her. Actions speak louder than words.”(6) There is a moment after your affair when your boyfriend hurts you that you mentally go back to that hot night with whoever you had your affair with and you stay there for just a moment, it is a great memory and then you think, I have had my revenge for this moment and there is something comforting about that.  But when you go back to your affair time and time again to feel this it is incredibly toxic but it has been done, and I am finding out by a lot of women.

 What I also discovered was that “Many women also develop a habit of secrecy about smaller issues in their relationship as a way of maintaining some kind of control.”(7) Could it be my infidelity is also linked to my control freak ways?  Probably, I do love to be in control, and in particular in the moments I discussed above when I feel weak and powerless in my relationships with men as they begin to take me for granted I have looked to exuberate that control  in the form of an affair.  So, I have taken the cowards way of getting fulfillment, cheating.  It is VERY important to note here that karma has got me, ten folds, cheating for sure has brutalized my “what goes around comes around” cycle and I know now that cheating is never the answer to what ails you.  Cheating is not the answer to staying in a dead relationship, walking away and never looking back is. So again I apologize to the men who did not deserve my actions. To be honest I have also cheated because: “Instead of breaking up with you, she cheats on you. That way she doesn’t have to deal with the broken relationship, which is much harder to fix. An affair is the easy way out -- or at least that’s how she sees it. That’s another reason communication is key. Let her know that she can talk to you about anything and that you love her enough to work through any bumps in the relationship road.”(8) But, when those bumps are never ending and you find yourself having the same fight about how he gets drunk and hits on your friends, or how you saw him grab your sister’s ass, or he constantly puts you down, or whatever your constant issue is cheating can become very appealing.  Once again these are not excuses and I would strongly warn against cheating.

Furthermore I will not be candid on this topic, cheating is exciting.  The thrill of being with someone else when you cannot tell anyone is exhilarating.  There is a rush that you get that makes everything about your affair more intense.  Your heart beats a little faster, it is more of a challenge, and it makes you feel more alive than you have in your long term monotonous relationship in years. “Just as men feel the urge to sow their wild oats, some women have an inner sex kitten just waiting to be unleashed -- and when the beast escapes from the cage, look out. This frisky behavior usually rears its ugly head in response to some sort of life change -- major weight loss, new job, new friends, mid-life crisis, etc. Keep the lines of communication open and she’ll be more likely to talk to you about what’s going on instead of spilling her guts to a stranger in the night.”(9) One reason given is that often in long term relationships the passion dies out and you fall into a very dull pattern of mechanical sex and weekly date nights (I know this from endless conversations with women, myself and the references in this blog) therefore I also can also relate to the thrill seeker logic: “You have heard of men who are serial cheaters…they cheat for the thrill of it. There are women who are thrill seekers also. They may love their husbands, would never entertain the thought of leaving him but they need a little something extra.  It is my opinion that most “thrill seekers” miss the feeling that comes with feeling their spouse can’t keep his hands off her. She wants to be wanted, to feel sexy, as if she turns her husband on every time she walks in the room. When she loses that feeling, she goes looking for it outside the marriage.”(10)

 But, what happens when the thrill is gone because it is not real, it is just an escape from your real issues with your real partner for someone you do not have any issues with.  When I was with Mr. NiceGuy I cheated, there were all the reasons listed above, but the important thing to state here is when Mr. NiceGuy found out I felt horrible, which I should, and still do.  Also, my affair did not last after Mr. NiceGuy and I broke up, the allure was gone, it was one of those the “grass is greener” type dilemmas.  Once Mr. NiceGuy had moved on I had the worst feeling in my soul, I suddenly realized I was a complete ass, I had a really great guy and instead of trying to work on the problems I strayed and threw away something meaningful for something fleeting.  But, since this moment I have still struggled with the one man, one woman concept.  With Mr. AA we broke up and got back together all the time so I would not call it cheating, when we were not together I would date other men and when he wanted me back I would be with him, but that was a crazy situation that I would rather not get into.  Now, Mr. X, after you read these next few lines you will understand why he left me for his new Ms. X, and all the other issues I survived during our break up because I cheated on him too.  It was a very low point of our relationship and I did it again for all the reasons listed above with a very good looking Australian, and in this particular instance I feel nothing.  No guilt, no shame, no nothing, we broke up shortly after, cue Karma please. It is important to note the reasons I gave here are for sheer insight and to own my own demons. 

What is important to note is in my last blog I had higher expectations of Mr. NotCool than I have of myself and it was this which made me really lose respect for him, just in case you are reading this thinking what a hypocritical B#@ch.  My last blog was NOT about the politics of cheating, it was about having standards and respect that are lost. And lastly, while “why women cheat differs from woman to woman. Some do it for love, some for sex, some need a boost in their self-esteem and some are just wired to be unfaithful.”(11)  I have begun to realize I may just be wired in a polyandrous nature.  Perhaps out of not finding the right guy or my own short comings, I am not sure, but I have always been honest about this fault and never pretended that I might fully be able to be monogamous successfully.  But, things can change, and given the harsh karmic lesson I have received I know that cheating and lying will never be the correct move but given this self-reflection monogamy might not be either.

Honesty hour, in recognition of my inability to be in a successful monogamous relationship I have realized that I am just not ready, or I have just not found the right person. Which is exactly why I still love spending time with Mr. Elevator, he makes me laugh, he is intelligent and he treats me very well, but based on his exact words we are not serious which makes me keep my options open as to not get too attached.  This is where Mr. Kind fits in, getting to know Mr. Kind as in had a sushi dinner with him but nothing physical.  This is also where Mr. Yukon fits in, he does not live here but sexting is a blast so he is a lot of fun at a distance.  This is also where Mr. PickUp fits in; he is a whole other story from the past that resurfaced yesterday via texting. Keeping my options open is where I am at right now, clearly my hiatus is not working out once again as I feel like I am dating and meeting more men than ever before and it is exactly where I want to be.  And frankly why not? I have no allegiance to one man, I have finally rebounded out of my last relationship, I feel great about myself and I am very much enjoying figuring out who might be right for me. It is also important to note that I would never lie to any of these men about one another.  I have actually really learned from the past and am completely honest about my dating game.  Like I said Karma got me bad, so bad, it was an awful learning experience that brought me to this moment in time, monogamy may be an issue but cheating does not have to be for me if I am honest and know that keeping my dating options open is what is best for now.  Until next week I will be walking like a lady, dating like a man! XOXO

QUESTION:

Do you think cheating is a forgivable offence? Or kick to the curb material?

Please submit all answers to victoria_redlon@yahoo.com  to be entered to win a great prize by February 13^th/2013.

References:

1)      “Think Men are the Unfaithful Sex? A Study Shows Women Are the Biggest Cheats” Maureen Rice Mail Online Sept 7^th 2009

2)      Ibid.

3)      “Why Women Cheat: Most Women have affairs for very different reasons than men” Tammy Worth Web MD Feature

4)      “Top Ten Reasons Women Cheat” Allison Young Ask Men

5)      “Four Reasons Women Cheat” Cathy Meyer about.com

6)      Ibid.

7)      “Why Women Cheat: Most Women have affairs for very different reasons than men” Tammy Worth Web MD Feature

8)      “Top Ten Reasons Women Cheat” Allison Young Ask Men

9)      Ibid.

10)  Ibid.

11)  “Why Women Cheat: Most Women have affairs for very different reasons than men” Tammy Worth Web MD Feature

Picture References:

All pictures from: https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+cheating&hl=en&tbo=u&tbm=isch&source=univ&sa=X&ei=7j8QUdWmLsXmiwKTloG4CA&ved=0CCwQsAQ&biw=1366&bih=588#hl=en&tbo=d&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=pictures+of+cheating&oq=pictures+of+cheating&gs_l=img.3..0j0i24l5.5114.5574.2.6221.3.0.0.3.3.0.0.0..0.0...0.0...1c.1.2.img.Kcdf6vAWjYM&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.r_qf.&bvm=bv.41934586,d.cGE&fp=3e74aced2b12cc50&biw=1366&bih=588