Keep it Classy: 3 Tips on Professionalism

“Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

By now I have blogged about a lot of different kinds of relationships.  Our relationships with ourselves, health, happiness, lovers, and family, BUT I am forgetting the most influential relationships, the people we spend the majority of our time with everyday, our professional relationships!  It is a fact that the average person will spend 48 years of their life working, if you calculate that down to the 9 to 5 that means you are basically growing old and grey with your co-workers.  While I am far from this average at the ripe old age of 32, I have three professional tips that will make you feel good about they way you conduct yourself professionally.  The truth is there is not recipe for success, but there are some sure fire ways to act so that in the future when you look back at your career you can say you treated people with respect and dignity.  Welcome to the high road.

“Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson

1) Check your emotions at the door.  Have you ever had a sharp tongued co-worker?  (or worse boss?) That when they spoke to you it made you want to cry, or throw a punch?  Having worked in a large range of different industries from the age of 16 I can honestly say that words can stir up emotions, but it is vital that you calm down and not act out.  When temperatures flare words that you truly do not want to say can come rushing to your lips, but the best career advice is to keep those lips sealed.  I am not saying to not address your concerns, absolutely not.  There are a million and one articles out there on how to professionally address work concerns that one may have with any variety of co-workers.   BUT,  letting your emotions get the better of you and saying words that should not be said can lead to a whole load of problems from reprimand to getting yourself fired, but most importantly it will stain your professional integrity.  You should be able to look back and proudly say that you took the high road, you kept it classy and most of all that you tried your hardest this kind of reflection will leave you with good feelings about yourself and your work ethic.

“If your actions create a legacy that inspires others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, then, you are an excellent leader.”
― Dolly Parton

2) Keep it professional.  It is not cute to abbreviate anything in professional communications, in particular if you want to be taken seriously.  It is also not a great idea to invite all your co-workers to a keg party either, or discuss intimate details of your personal life, AND most importantly keep your work life off social media.   You are sort of like Batman in that now that you are an adult you will have a professional self by day and a personal self by night.  Confusing your personal relationships with your professional relationships can be catastrophic.  Here is an example:  In your professional life you dress the part, take direction, apply initiative and speak in a manner that is conducive to respect. While in your personal life you may not wear pants (I am not here to judge what you do in the comfort of your own home), swear like a sailor, and disrespect people on the regular because it is your sense of humour.  I think you can see how these two night and day characters need to stay separated.  I mean really, imagine if you walked into the office sans pants swearing at the receptionist while posting about it on Facebook (#fired, #officeworstnightmare).  It is a slippery slope when you become too comfortable with your co-workers and lines become blurred.  While yes being friendly with your co-workers is essential, becoming “besties” with the office and throwing professional conduct to the wind is setting yourself up for disaster.

“You have to be burning with "an idea, or a problem, or a wrong that you want to right." If you're not passionate enough from the start, you'll never stick it out.”
― Steve Jobs

3) Know your worth.  You may be reading these two points and be thinking that I am telling you to be some kind of emotionally void door mat.  This is not the case at all.  Here is something I believe, you are awesome! And special! How could I possibly know this about you?  Well I know this because everyone is amazing at something.  And, it takes people who are excellent at all things to make this world go round.  For example in order for me to work late or enjoy a holiday I need a lovely dog walker, and not just any dog walker, someone I can trust in my home on the regular with my fur kid.  We also all need the bus driver, the grocery clerk, the cleaning people at the office, every single person in this world is an integral part of the puzzle of functionality.  Without one piece all the other pieces suffer.  This means YOU are essential to this world.  This also means so am I.  Not all jobs are going to be right for you and neither are all places you work, and there is actually nothing wrong with this.  We are all different with all different work styles, learning curves.   Find the right fit for you and do not be afraid to know your own self worth, you are worth career happiness.

“You are good. But it is not enough just to be good. You must be good for something. You must contribute good to the world. The world must be a better place for your presence. And the good that is in you must be spread to others....”
― Gordon B. Hinckley

We live in a world where people often appear to be dredging along sadly to work in the morning, where they sigh at the sight of Monday morning and they yearn for long weekends to get away from their careers.  This makes me sad.  We all deserve to be in the right career on the right path for not only success but happiness.  Finding happiness can be a long journey for some of us and that is also okay.  As long as you try your hardest and conduct yourself professionally at the end of the day you will feel good about your work ethic and yourself, and you will come across as such too.  Thanks for reading! XO

Body Image My Struggle with Anorexia

"Every woman knows that, regardless of all her other achievements, she is a failure if she is not beautiful." 
Germaine Greer

(me at one of the peaks of my anorexia)

Recently I have been hearing a lot of my girlfriends calling themselves fat.  This breaks my heart but it also made me face some real demons this week and I have decided to just be frank.  In my mid twenties I struggled severely with anorexia.  I would love to say I have won this battle but as anyone who has ever faced their demons knows they always linger in the shadows, and in your darkest hour taunt you.  But, falling in love with my body has been a struggle that I have almost accomplished.  I acknowledge that a few extra pounds is just the way I am made, and understanding that can be beautiful is some thing we should all feel.  I would like to share three facts about my battle with anorexia in the hopes that it encourages other women to realize that we are all beautiful and we all deserve to love ourselves and be HEALTHY!

"From the newsstands a dozen models smiled up at her from a dozen magazine covers, smiled in thin-faced, high-cheekboned agreement to Kessa’s new discovery. They knew the secret too. They knew thin was good, thin was strong; thin was safe." 
Steven Levenkron

(me when during a time I thought I was most over weight) 

1) Harsh words.  I grew up my whole life hearing that I had a nice body.  I was thin and I was never told anything different until I was in a relationship with Mr. AA.  For the first time in my life I was called fat, and beyond being called this by someone who supposedly loved me, the specific areas where I had gained weight were pointed out to me over and over again.  I was ridiculed for eating and so I internalized this feedback into anorexia.  I not only began to loathe food but I hated my former fat self.  I looked at old pictures of myself and was disgusted at what I saw.  I saw all my rolls of fat, an enormous round face and thought I was blob.  When I asked friends and my one long term ex (who is a kind hearted soul) they all looked at me like I was crazy and told me I was always beautiful.  When my parents would tell me I was looking healthy I would hear "You are getting fat." I was so obsessed with looking thin, when I was my most underweight Mr. AA would praise how good I looked and enforce upon me that I should stay thin to be desired.   This mentality faded when I met Mr. X however it was not long until he pointed out I had gained weight too and my battle with food began again.   To be hones this battle remains, it is hard to see an extra pound and not deny myself daily food intake, however, I must tell myself that everyday that being healthy is beautiful.  What is terrible is that I am not alone in this development.  Almost all women I know shared with me that their eating disorders were also spawned from people they love telling them they were fat. Which brings me to my second point.

"[Eating disorders] are a wonderful tool for helping you reject others before they can reject you. Example: You’re at a party. The popular girls are there. You know you can never be as cool as they are, but when one of the pops a potato chip into her mouth or chooses real Coke over Diet, for that moment you are better."
Stacy Pershall

(my favorite model - she is considered plus size)

2) Everyone has had an eating disorder.  Every single woman I confided in about my struggle to see myself as beautiful and not stave myself thin told me they to had eating disorders.  Every. Single. One. From my girlfriends who are a size two to my girlfriends who are a size sixteen.  It did not matter their body shape they all said they have felt ugly and fat.  They said that they too have starved themselves and in some cases purged.  This breaks my heart.  I felt very alone in my battle with anorexia.  I felt like all my friends had great bodies not because they were doing what I was doing but because they had great jeans or worked out. I felt like I could never tell anyone because they would think I was crazy for doing what I was doing.  It turns out we are all crazy.  I feel a lot of relief that I was not alone in my battle with food but I feel more sadness that so many women I know felt the same.  They hated themselves enough to starve themselves, I know because that is what I did.  I hated myself for eating.  I would have severe eating regret for days, I would internalize my hatred for myself and for food and on days when I had eaten nothing praise myself for accomplishing a great task.  I was not alone in doing this.  I do not know why so many women starve themselves to look thin, but I do know that too many of us do and we need to stop.   In fact one of my girlfriends has several male friends who starve themselves too, we must all try to be healthy and get away from abusing our bodies. Next time you look at someone you think is thin and you manifest the thought that you are fat, remember that woman is thinking the same thing about someone else, we all have to stop seeing ourselves as fat.

"Who wants to recover? It took me years to get that tiny. I wasn’t sick; I was strong."
 Laurie Halse Anderson

(Here she is again a plus size model)

3) Control.  At times when I was losing the battle to my eating disorder my life was at it's most out of control moments.  These were moments when I was in a terrible abusive relationship, or moving due to family illness, or stuck in a job that made me unhappy.  Moments where I felt I had no control over my life or what was happening to me I starved myself the worst.  At least I felt I could control that.  This may sound really crazy to those of you who have never had this sensation, but it is a feeling of control when you can control your body all day not to eat.  When everything else is complete chaos there is a sweet relief to having accomplished this.  Thankfully this past year running has replaced this need to accomplish something that I control when everything else goes side ways.  Also, self improvement classes have taught me to let go of aspects in life and go with the flow, and this has helped me a lot.  Focusing this kind of energy on starving yourself is not an accomplishment, it is a disorder that you can only see clearly when you are focused on
being healthy.

Up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder (anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder) in the U.S.
• Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
 91% of women surveyed on a college campus had attempted to control their weight through dieting. 22% dieted “often” or “always.”
• 86% report onset of eating disorder by age 20; 43% report onset between ages of 16 and 20.
• Anorexia is the third most common chronic illness among adolescents.
• 95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25.
• 25% of college-aged women engage in bingeing and purging as a weight-management technique.
• The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate associated with all causes of death for females 15-24 years old.

(Now I am healthy, I eat and I run.  I don't beat myself up for eating but everyday is a struggle to know that healthy weight is beautiful) .

I hope that in my sharing my struggle and the three realities I have discovered that you will realize you are not alone.  Body image can be a terribly detrimental factor in healthy living.  I did not get into mass media here because that would make this post far too long but we need to embrace being healthy.  Running has really helped bring me out of the darkness.  Good friends and women sharing their own struggles has made me realize that women of all sizes feel the way I do.  I am not alone.  We are all beautiful.  Thank you for reading.

Do You Really Care?

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

As I coast into the half year mark with The American (time sure flies doesn’t it?) we are faced with a short term long distance situation.  His work is relocating him to Tropical Paradise for a few months.  I find myself so happy for him for this amazing opportunity! But, of course saddened that this may also be the end of our relationship bliss.  Of course he has stated that he does not want what we have to end and so have I, but the reality that several months apart is very challenging.  While I remain dedicated and hopeful that in two short months we will be reunited and live happily ever after I also realized that I am really thankful for the time we had together regardless of what the future holds.  I realized something so liberating and exciting during this time of possibilities that I wanted to share thus the following are three truths if you truly care about someone:

"Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it."

1.       Love is not possession.  I use to think that if someone truly loved you they would fight tooth and nail to be in your physical location and would tell you all things relative to them all the time.  This now sounds so ludicrous and possessive.   When you truly love someone you let them choose their happiest option in life and support that.  You cannot control their choice or it is not really their choice to make now is it.  I use to think if someone actually cared they would follow me if I had to move, or travel or whatever, but what I now realize is that if you care about someone you do not make their already difficult life changes more taxing.  When you truly love someone you realize that they need to make choices for their best possible life and sometimes those choices do not involve you.  It is an extremely difficult concept to think that someone who you love and who loves you could be better off without you.  Here is what you have to remember, it is not about you.  It is about what is truly best for them and their life.  Your love for them should be about them and what is best for them.  For those of you who have found this incredible liberating moment in your relationships I applaud you.  Welcome. For those of you who have not found this yet I guarantee when you do your role will just make sense and you will not feel sad about your exiting role, you will be happy that you actually feel real love.  You will also leave a memorable mark in the world if you are someone who loves unconditionally and with support instead of ruling with cruelty and hostility.  You will be a great memory if you remember that things may end but that all things happen for a reason and often endings are great beginnings. 

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

2.       Gossip Free is the Way to Be!  Lately I have heard a lot of my friends b*tch about their men.  I began to feel a bit uncomfortable because all I have to say is how awesome mine is.  All I can say are positive things about The American.  I cannot say that for one second in the past six months I have felt like I do not want to be with him.  This is how it should be.  When you truly love someone you are happy, they make you happy.  You do not loathe the thought of being with them, you do not see them as a burden, you do not see them as hindering your life growth, you do not see them as a totally douche, these are all things that you DO NOT feel towards a person that you love.   Oh, and I know, all those women out there reading this and thinking “But, but, but…” I know you feel wronged, and I know you are just venting, I get all that, I have been there.  But, what I am telling you is when you truly care for someone you do not reflect negative comments about them, you do not tear them apart for empathy to your friends and you do not make them the bad character in your story of love.   When you cease to gossip this means that you truly care about your man.  This may also only come to women that have found self love and have grown enough to realize that gossip does not improve anything.

"Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough and smart enough to let go and move on."

3.       You trust their word.  Trust may also be called respect here but it all boils down to this.  When he says that he will call you after work and you have not heard from him by nine, but he calls you at 9:05 and apologizes for working late you believe him that he was working and respect his dedication to his work.  I use to think that the world should revolve around me.  But, now as an adult I realize that work is hard, life is challenging and that often time slips by without any malcontent, time just gets away from you.  I use to peak at Facebook conversations and just in general had a feeling of anxiety towards the men I dated but not any more.  But, then I realized that is not caring for someone.  That is projecting distrust and a lot of insecurities when you truly care for someone you trust them.  Trusting someone is so scary isn't it?  It leaves you vulnerable, it leaves you exposed, it leaves you open to harm.  But, it is also incredibly liberating to trust someone and it is a must if you truly care for someone, this feeling goes hand in hand with realizing that you must be okay if things might not work out because you just want what is best for each of you.   You do not really care for someone if you are feeling jealous all the time, you are not acting in their best interest you are acting selfishly.  Get over yourself and realize when you truly care for someone it is about them, not you. 

"Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened"
-Dr. Suess

It is often hard to realize what we are doing when we are driven mad by what we think is caring too much.  But, if you are acting toxic in your current fling than you really need to ask yourself “Why?”  and if the answers all come back you than you do not care about the person you love.  Love can become self-focused and self –involved it can become a grey area where you begin to feel that someone needs to change for you, someone needs to make things up to you, someone needs to do things for you, you, YOU!  If this is your intent in your current relationship than I am sorry to say you are only caring about you.  The saying if you love something set it free, is not meant literally, I am not about to set my fat pug free any where and I love him like my own flesh and blood.  It means set them free by not controlling them through your actions and not focusing on yourself.  Freedom has so many meanings.  These three tips are tips that you will only find when you have gotten over yourself and realized that there are two in your relationship, and that both of you deserve to be happy.  It is crucial that you love yourself as much as you love anyone in your life, only balancing self appreciation and appreciation for others will allow you to truly care for others. Thanks for reading!

The Love is GONE!

“I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.”
― Greg Behrendt

I am not writing this blog to place blame for any current events that have befallen any of my wonderful friends (such as Ms. K or Ms. M).  I have noticed a pattern, that I have been guilty of, women staying with men that clearly have no interest in them.  I would like to clearly state here that some women think that their man is a unique snowflake and that I do not know all the facts of their very complex situation BUT I have to say this is just an excuse.  ALL MEN regardless of how they express it act like they are interested. The phenomenon of women staying with men that do not act like they want to be with them is very odd and creates a lot of hostility. From my personal experience and what I have witnessed the pattern is: He treats her poorly (perhaps a tactic to get rid of her), A HUGE FIGHT ensues (she threatens to break up with him for good this time), He does absolutely nothing (or the very bare minimum) to remedy the situation, they stay together because for some reason this is love....(shaking my head). This is not even the sad part. THE SAD PART is when asked "Why do you stay with him?" or "What are you getting out of this?" etc. These women are left somewhat speechless. They all seem to offer up some half assed excuse that the two people in this equation love one another. This is not true. The following are three signs your man has fallen out of love with you:

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fcking phone call.”
― Greg Behrendt

1) He doesn't call. (Insert romantic, dramatic sigh) Remember the good old days when he put in a phone call, text, letter and it was so thoughtful and frequent? It seems everyone is trying to get back to some point previously in their life instead of embracing the future and their current moment. I am not sure why people think that going backwards is progress but it is not. In this mentality my friends often say "I wish that it was like in the beginning when he used to call..." First of all, you have let him get away with treating you a way that makes you unhappy.  YOU have failed yourself in this relationship! Men treat you the way you let them treat you period. The truth is that there are men out there that will take you to hell and back if you let them (I would know I have been there a few times). BUT! These men can only do what you let them. If YOU  accept that your boyfriend never calls when he says he will, or never returns your calls or just in general just acts like he doesn't give a f*ck, then in all likelihood he IS NOT INTO YOU. If you are constantly putting effort in and calling and forcing him into talking you when it is pretty obvious that he does not want to talk to you...by his not calling and engaging.  Why are you acting so desperate? Think about it. When you care for someone you put effort in. This does not change whether you have penis or not. Secondly, why are you trying to go back in time?  Going back is not progressive, going back is not growth.  If your current moment is so terrible than try living in that moment! Realize “Hey, this sucks, I am out”  You are not doing yourself any favors attempting to go back and make your boyfriend act the way he use to when he cared about you.  I am sorry, but his feelings have changed, and thus so have his actions.  THERE IS NO GOING BACK.

“It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.”
― Greg Behrendt

2) He acts nonchalant. If you are finding that you are making all the plans and thinking for your boyfriend than he is NOT INTO YOU. Seriously some people may be reading this and thinking who would not get these signs, trust me A LOT of people don't get it. It is hard to understand falling out of love. It is hard to lose someone. It is very hard all around to love. This is true. But, it is apparently not hard to be foolish. Give your head a shake. I do not want to hear ever again that men are more complex than this, if a man is acting like he does not care about you, then GUESS WHAT?? He does not care about you. I have heard so many excuses from he is stressed, etc., but these problems are not for women to sift through as to why they are being treated like sh*t. No. Straight up. If you are chasing your man all over and he is really acting like he doesn't care than he he doesn't care. Why? You may ask does he stay with you. A better question is: have you given him any other option but to stay with you? If you have been calling, chasing, nagging and pretty much forcing someone to be with you than it is no wonder they are aloof and yes in a dream world they would let you down easy and walk away but some men are lazy and it is easier to stay with you than to try and break up with you.   Perhaps he even still says he loves you, or that he misses you, all of this is so nice to hear but that does not make it true.  (Saying "I love you" can be the easiest way to avoid confrontation). Perhaps they are not sure what they want, but while they do not want to be with you they still care about you so they just keep you on the back burner.  Perhaps their love has turned cold but they are equally finding it hard to let go, you can literally insert a million perhaps excuses here but at the end of the day it all boils down to they do not care like they use to.  It is so mind blowing that we live in a society where women do not believe it is over until we are completely dumped and will therefore put up with a smorgasbord of douchery because we think that there is still hope.  It is over for him if he has given up and you are creating a relationship for him that he is not participating in.


“We have become a sloppy bunch of people. We say things we don't mean. We make promises we don't keep. "I'll call you." "Let's get together." We know we won't. On the Human Interaction Stock Exchange, our words have lost almost all their value. And the spiral continues, as we now don't even expect people to keep their word; in fact we might even be embarrassed to point out to the dirty liar that they never did what they said they'd do. So if a guy you're dating doesn't call when he says he's doing to, why should that be such a big deal? Because you should be dating a man who's at least as good as his word.”
― Greg Behrendt

3) He agrees you should break up. Do you know what men do when they want to be dating? They don't agree a break up is best. Some people believe that it is only possible to understand how much someone cares for them if they are breaking up, because then the person will figure out how great they are. Newsflash! If someone thinks you are great when they are with you than they will not want to break up. It is a very juvenile mentality to think that breakups will improve your relationship. Once again for the record: Your life is not a Hollywood movie. In reality if you break up with someone then you are done. They do not have a revelation that you were the most perfect being and come crawling back. Another NEWSFLASH: if you want this instead of a healthy partner you may want to get your head examined. Love is pure and easy you should never have to force it with drama.  Also, if you are constantly "breaking up" and never actually standing your ground than it is no wonder your boyfriend doesn't give two f*cks when you tell him it is over. He has heard it a million times and truth be told he probably would actually enjoy it being over to get done with all the drama of your relationship. How would you feel if every day I came to your house at 5 am and told you I was going to do something unpleasant, you would eventually yell out "JUST DO IT ALREADY AND BE DONE WITH IT!" It is no wonder he is agreeing. He wants to break up and you have told him you want to so many times that you should probably just break up if you both think it is such a great idea.  Truth be told you planted the break up seed, you watered frivolously and then you are surprised (and hurt) that he wants to see this damn plant bloom already.  See your part in his feelings changings, you contributed to this fall out and now he is done.

I am so tired of hearing excuses by women to keep men. They think for them. Act for them. They are in a one sided affair and they know it but will never admit it. One the flip side I am so tired that men are too lazy to say that they are done and stand firm. Instead they treat their women like garbage and don't care what happens. It is a sad reality that comes from desperation. Desperation to be loved. Desperation to lose. It is terrible to watch your friends being pathetic in the name of love you want them to wake up and realize that he is just not into you.  But, change only comes from self-actualization that you are trapping someone into being with you because you don’t want to let them go.  If you are thinking it is not fair and I don’t get it than you are probably in one of these situations and I am sorry, it is hard to realize that someone does not love you anymore, it is even harder to realize that feeling will never come back.  But, it is unhealthy to stay in a toxic fueled drama you label love because you are to self-focused to realize it is over.   (I have been this person, I have lived this situation, I have forced my love on others, and I am telling you it does not work.  Sometimes you cannot fix what is broken, it is broken not to be repaired but to grow into a new direction).  Thanks for reading! XO

Ain't No Sunshine

“You should always treat people with kindness”

-My dad on how to treat others

Life is a lot of things.  Fair is not usually one of its defining characteristics.  My father has been ill for a long time.  He struggles with an intense muscle degenerating disease that is very unknown in both society and the medical world called Inclusion Body Mitosis (IBM).  Yesterday he informed me that he has put a hospital bed in his room and it hit me.  Not the realization he is dying, we are all dying, he has been sick for over 15 years I have had time to come to terms with the reality of the end of his life.  But, that everything is different now.  What I mean is for the first time in my life my mother and father will be sleeping in separate beds.  Then I realized that once he has passed my mother will sell the house, I can’t imagine that she will keep a spacious five bedroom place for her and her mother (my grandmother lives with my parents).  I am experiencing that strange phenomena of losing home.  It is a very difficult thing to process.  Home is always your safe haven isn’t it?  It is the place you retire to when you can’t handle the turbulence of life, it is where you go for holidays, it is your home.  But, one day you wake up and this changes.  The following are three emotions that I am feeling lately, maybe you can relate:

“That is just the way the world is.”

-My dad on the futility of questioning why things happen

1)      Unknown.  It is the strangest feeling not knowing how to feel.  Feeling happy about some aspects of life and then plagued again with stress and worry for your loved ones.  It is a wild roller coaster when you feel yourself laughing at a joke only to shortly feel guilty for feeling happy.  You feel highs that feel hallow and lows that feel surreal and all the while you realize that you are helpless to your emotions.  They are processing the information you have given them the best way they know how.  This is my rollercoaster.

“I am lucky.  Your mother takes good care of me.”

-My dad on the topic of my mom

2)      Guilt.  I have guilt that on some days I think my dad is in so much pain that death would be a relief to him.  To my mother who cries all the time.  To my sister who stays in SmallTownNowhere to help.  To my elderly grandmother who tries to help in any way she can.  To myself for having my heart stop every time I hear a new level of disintegration in his disease.  To my friends who can only watch and struggle with what support to offer.  To my hometown as the residence watch and wonder what will come next.  To everyone who is affected by strange, unknown, cruel diseases I feel your guilt.  I feel guilt for not being able to offer support in a way that will cure all that ails my family.  I feel guilty for being young, vibrant and healthy and wanting to see my dad as he once was.  I feel angry and I feel guilty and I feel sad, these are my emotions.

“You have got your university education.  No matter what happens in life, no one can take that from you.”

-My dad when I graduated

3)      Retreat.  There is a strong desire to fix what is broken isn’t there?  There is an overwhelming sense that if one returns home that it will remain frozen in time in that perfect Christmas morning memory.  There is a hope that your mere presence and wishful thinking will stop time and cure disease.  I feel an incredibly difficult sensation that living away from my family is the right thing.  It is a hard realization that living your life where you need to be is away from those who need you.  It is a devastating actuality to recognize that if you go back and live in the same house and town as your family it does nothing.  It does not stop time.  In fact it is a particularly hard thing to swallow that everyone is better and happier if you keep living your life, building you career, trying for each day instead of retreating back home.  This is my struggle.

“Oh lord it’s hard to be humble.  When your prefect in every way.”

-My dad singing what I am pretty sure is his life motto.

The truth is people tell me all the time I am so lucky to have more time with my dad and this is true.  Unfortunately this time is filled with pain, struggle, and heart ache, this is also true.  There is a numbness that washes over me most of the time, a warm comforting sensation where I can hide from the reality of feelings.  It is so nice to hide isn’t it?  Feelings give way to talking, talking gives way to hugging, hugging gives way to crying, and crying leads to breaking.  But hiding does not help heal pain.    Disease is part of life and I will not remember my father this way, I can’t.  I will always remember him sun kissed with long strawberry blond hair strong and brilliant fixing the lawn mower in the back yard.  I will remember his kindness, I will remember his will to fight, while this disease may take his body, it will never take my mind.  Thanks for listening this week to my restless demons.  XO

“Twas midnight on the ocean,

Not a street car was in sight.

The moon was shining brightly,

Because there was no sun that night.

The two dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

Drew their swords and shot one another.

A deaf police man heard that noise,

He ran and shot those two dead boys.”

-My dad’s riddle.

The Upside to Breakups

“Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?” 
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You

First I would like to acknowledge that I personally am in a very healthy and happy relationship with The American.  However...

Lately I have been feeling the anxiety of all my lady friends.  The anxiety that comes from sticking it out with a man who makes you miserable.  These feelings are all too familiar to me and therefore I have decided to write this week about three fabulous upsides to walking away from your misery….or should I just say it getting rid of your man.

1)      So long everyday heart ache! I can’t tell you that break ups initially feel very good.  In fact, the opposite is true.  But, I can tell you that after the initial sting is over you will realize that sun shines a little brighter since your ex is gone.  In fact you will feel a little lighter! What is that?? That old ball and chain that was weighing you down is gone?  Congratulations you just lost (insert your Mr. X’s weight here) pounds! You have never looked better!  I can’t tell you what kind of life you are going to have post break up because I am not psychic.  However, I can tell you that you will not be miserable every day.  I can tell you that you will not have useless fights over trivial shit every day.  Lastly I can tell you that you won’t wake up anxious to the drama of the day.  You will just wake up, and you know what?  It will be a brand new day.  It will be full of potential and it will be yours.  After my last most recent break up I was recapping with a co-worker and she said this to me “Be thankful you did not marry him.”  She was completely right.  See the end is not always a bad thing!  In fact shortly after the end you will realize THANK GOODNESS you did not spend another second of your life with the person who made you unhappy every day.  The person who made you want to be single.  The person who annoyed you to no end and took you for granted.  The person who made you question your self worth and feel sub par everyday.  Quit making yourself miserable.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” - Marilyn Monroe

2)      GROW UP! SO! Interesting phenomena I witnessed on Facebook recently was people criticizing the above quote and you know what I found myself agreeing with their point of view.  Breakups teach us things we need to learn.  If you have this attitude that your good times are SO GOOD that you are therefore entitled to be a dick than you are headed for disaster.  My break up from Mr. X taught me so much about myself it was the best thing that ever happened to me.  It taught me so much about what not to have in a partner and in a relationship.  It taught me how to communicate and STAY BY WHAT I SAY in a respectful manner.  It taught me how to be happy and appreciate all the things he was lacking that I was starving for in my life.  It made me realize what I needed to change in myself.  It made me grow.  It most importantly made me grow up.  Have you ever dated someone and thought they were about as mature as a ten year old?  You know! You try and talk to them about things and they either have a tantrum, or pout, or over react, or cry and you are trapped trying to reason with some one who just doesn’t wanna! They need to grow up.  But, the truth of the matter is if you are struggling to be the only emotional mature person in your union so do you.  You need to grow up and realize you CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE, we all grow up on our own, in fact sadly some people never do. 

“Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.” 
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

3)      Full potential.  I have blogged about this before that is that when you are a 1 of 2 you are always thinking for two.  I hate when I ask my girlfriend what she is doing Saturday night and she says that she has to check with her boyfriend or husband…the tragedy of when two become one.  THE GREAT NEWS IS divorce and breakups make this equation obsolete!  There is no more “checking in” there is just you and your full potential.  I think that some people are afraid to embrace this change because they view it as loneliness, or they no longer have an excuse as to their behaviours, or whatever.  EMBRACE your full potential! I did.  Since I moved to the best city for me, landed my dream job and I don’t answer to anyone I see potential like it is going out of style!  I am not saying that potential is not possible with the right partner!  What I am saying is that if your life takes off like a bat out of hell after you end your stagnant union than you were with the wrong partner.  If you feel like you have hit a rut in your life but your partner looks as happy as a pig in sh*t than I am sorry to say but you are with the wrong partner.  I refuse to hear excuses from people saying “Oh but I just need to move here (insert town you hate) and work (insert job you hate) with (insert people that treat you poorly) for four more years while my husband, wife, boyfriend, etc…”  What a joke.  No one should put their life on hold for anyone else.  AND! If you truly love someone you won’t ask them to.  Do you know I have broken up with men because I was moving away and I did not want them to leave their incredible lives where they were happy?  Yes, I have.  These relationships were fun and taught me about love but they were not meant to be.  I also knew I needed to start fresh in new places.  Break ups take us places we will never dream of with the wrong person.

“You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.”
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

I don’t want to be cliché here and say the obvious that break ups lead you to your GREATEST love affiars and possibly even your soul mate.  This seems to be the focus of many women that they will have to try again with someone new.  I say LUCKY YOU!  Finding love is the fun.  Shopping around is what makes you realize what you want and DON’T WANT!  Dating is the spice of life.  If you have given up on dating than I am afraid that you have given up on yourself for too many reasons.  Lastly! Dating brings you smack dab right in front of a man who will make all other men pale in comparison.  Dating will make you realize how incredibly luckily you are when you find someone amazing.  Dating teaches you how to interact with strangers and just plain strange men.  It is all relative.  The truth is if you are afraid of breaking up because you don’t know what is on the other side, I am telling you what is on the other side is your amazing life.  Be brave enough to grab it and ride it like the wind.  Thanks for reading! XOXO

Pictures this week are women who fabulously survived heart ache and are amazing. XO

PLEASE READ: Greg Behrendt's He is Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
All other QUOTES: From GOOGLE!

3 Bullshit Lines

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

Sigh....(that is a big sigh)....so lately Ms. M has been dealing with this guy.  He gave her the old song and dance about not wanting anything serious but still wanting to hang out after playing house for the past few weeks with her and leading her on.  Then Ms. K told me about her man and his millions of excuses for his lack of action towards acting like he gives a f*ck and I have just had it with men and the bull sh*t they feed women to keep banging them.  Truth be told I am tired of hearing my girlfriend's lame excuses to believe what they know (from time and time and time...etc...)  to be nothing but empty words.  So even though at this point in time I am pretty sure my advice just falls on deaf ears and I would have more success telling my dog the reality of these things because at least he pretends to be listening...here goes.  The following are three lines that if you hear you can bank in the account of complete and utter bullsh*t.

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

1) "I am really not ready for anything serious but still want to hang out" - TRANSLATION:  I want to keep banging you on my terms with no commitment. SIGH!! (insert frustrated sigh with shaking head).  Here is the truth: IF A MAN WANTS TO DATE YOU HE WILL.  If he doesn't he will say this to you.  This means that while he does not view you as girlfriend material AT ALL, he is to p*ssy to man up and tell you.  He also likes getting a piece of ass whenever he fancies it and knows that if he leads you on just enough he can get that from you.  SO all of my girlfriends have whined about this to me, they all pout about a guy that they are totally into being not ready to date them.  What a load of bullshit.  They seem to be ready to have these same girls stay over night, have sex with them, text them and take them out on occasion just enough to maintain a level of the girl thinking things are going somewhere! All the while telling them things are not going anywhere.  "Hello mind games my old friend."  This may sound familiar from back in Mr. Elevator days.  He was this kind of coward.  If you don't want to date someone then don't.  Don't sneak around under the guise of dating while all the while claiming the opposite.  It is manipulative.  Here is what Ms. M said to me "It is totally fine if he just wants f*ck, but then let's just f*ck.  Don't make me dinner and take me out and introduce me to your friends."  I completely understand what she is saying.  The truth is if a man is into you he will move mountains for you, he will try and catch the moon and never make you cry.  He will not say he does not want to date you.  This means exactly what he is saying, DON'T HEAR that he likes what you have.  All that means is he likes f*cking you.  Big whoop, everyone likes that, that means nothing.  So when you hear this incredibly ridiculous line remember the translation and NEVER, EVER take it as anything more.  Men only say these things because they think that being honest will not get them what they want.

“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” 
― George Washington

2)  "I just got out a long term relationship" - TRANSLATION: "You are a rebound."  Sigh (insert small defeated sigh).  I don't know why when women hear this they see this man as a broken bird in need of nourishing back to health. GOOD GRIEF! This man is telling you, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE A LONG TERM ANYTHING.  Yet, for some reason women hear this and hear "I am need of a woman to mend my heart, change my mind about women, bring me to love again and then I will be forever grateful...blah, blah, blah..." NO.  Thank Hollywood for this delusional take on things because it is years, and years, and years, of literature, mass media, and movies that have portrayed women with broken hearts as these beautiful broken souls that need men to mend them and teach them to fall in love again THEREFORE when they hear men say the above line they think they need to fix them.  WHAT A LOUD OF BULL SH*T.  If a man is outright giving you this excuse than guess what?  You are a rebound.  This is his excuse to not finding you dateable.  I don't know why but life would just be so much easier if men did not use any excuses and just said "No thanks."  But for some reason they feel like they have to feed up an excuse to the hungry woman who lusts to be called their one and only.  The sad thing is once these utterances escape his lips he is DOOMED! he has just given the girl of his non-affection a millon and one crazy thoughts about their fling that are completely made up from her fantasies in her head AND typically in these situations the man breaks down and just ends up telling the woman he does not want anything after weeks of leading her on with using the above line as what he thought was a buffer and it is a mess.  SO ladies do yourself a favor, when a man tells you this say "Sorry to hear, when you are done rebounding you know where I am at." Stand tall sister.

“Lies and secrets, Tessa, they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind.” 
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

3) "I am just not sure what I want right now" - TRANSLATION: "I am sure I don't want to be dating you but I am too afraid to say so." (Insert a W.T.F laugh here).  Why do I hear this so often from my girlfriends.  Why, oh why is there so much uncertainty in the world (that is pure sarcasm F.Y.I) Let's get real for a moment.  When you meet someone and they really want to date you and you are not interested saying no can be hard because they usually do not have a positive reaction and that is hard.  BUT!! Do you know what is even harder??  Lying.  Saying that you are not sure.  If you hear this take it as he is NOT interested.  Who the hell is not sure they want to date someone?  What do they expect you to do?  Just wait around optimisitically until they are sure that they want to?  Or don't want to?  What...the...serious...f*ck....When you want to date someone you know.  PERIOD.  There is no ho-hum time period where you are able to mull things over.  No.  While you absolutely can get to know someone, that is what I strongly suggest.  BUT! at the end of the day if you don't want to date them then just say that.  If someone tells you they do not know they want to date you than move on.  Do not tell them you will wait for them EVER! This drives me SO MENTAL when my girlfriends say things like this "I told him to call me when he knew what he wanted"  or worse "I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said he was not sure so I told him that we should...."  No, no, no.  You are worth someone's 100 percent wanting to date you. The worst part is selling this "not sure" B.S around makes the my girlfriends, one in particular, fill in the blanks.  Like it is some kind of Mad Lib puzzle and saying "not sure" means that my girlfriends should make up a million excuses and put words in their men's mouths so that they stay together.  It saddens me that this is reality. The truth is if a man can't think he wants to date you than don't think for him and get out of there. Seriously.

“The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

It may seem like I am all fired up this week and cussing like a sailor.  I am.  I am so tired of hearing the same excuses from men 20 to 40 from women 20 to 40 when all they are really trying to convey is that they are not interested.  Do me a HUGE favor! If you are not interested in my girlfriends, actually make that all women everywhere, just SAY IT.  Don't say one thing at all that gives them hope that you might possibly be interested.  Don't do it! Because I would rather pick up their broken pieces of your fresh break up than constantly have to point out that you are not interested once a week because they are clinging desperately to what they thought you had.  Also, it must be just as frustrating for the men that use these lines in the hopes of getting out and somehow keep getting looped right back in.  Do us all a favor just say "It's been a slice but I never want to see you again."  (Hopefully far, far, far more tactfully than this).  All these words to soften the break up are just strings to a sinking ship that my girlfriends are holding onto.  They are plummetting down with the Titanic of love stories and yet they are unable to let go because perhaps it might miraculously resurface with enough effort. Cut those damn strings and do us all a favor you are not the only person dealing with this disaster in fact, my girlfriends never complain to the men that say these things about. Oh no! They could never because they are trying their hardest to pretend like they are oh so cool with the situation and have a solution that makes them in a happy unity if they can just figure it out how to win your heart.  So in turn I hear all about the pathetic attempts these men make to break up, just say what you mean and don't be so afraid of breaking some hearts.  Hearts are actually made to be broken, it gives them character,.  I would know mine is a million little pieces but it works better than ever.  Thanks for reading XO