“Sometimes we must undergo hardships, breakups, and
narcissistic wounds, which shatter the flattering image that we had of
ourselves, in order to discover two truths: that we are not who we thought we
were; and that the loss of a cherished pleasure is not necessarily the loss of
true happiness and well-being. (109)”
― Jean-Yves Leloup, Compassion and Meditation: The Spiritual Dynamic between Buddhism and Christianity
― Jean-Yves Leloup, Compassion and Meditation: The Spiritual Dynamic between Buddhism and Christianity
This week I received a message from one of my lady friends
on the world of Facebook asking how I survived my break up because she was in a
similar situation. I had to really think
about it, and it was not so much her question but the fact that three other
fine ladies had asked me the same thing recently in the same manner. I began to think what it was about my
particular last break up that made women seeking some answer to their current
situation to reach out? I figured it
out, my last break up demolished me, I will just own it. I was a lost mess, I moved here in my petite
car crammed full of things with no place to live and no job only to couch surf
on my friends sofas and prayed to one day feel the way I do now. I get it, I am the prodigal son, sort of
speak, for women who are rolling in the wretched aftermath of their break
ups. So, first of all, I am sorry you
are hurting, break ups suck, they are the worst. There is actually nothing but time that is
truly going to remedy your current heart ache, but these things that take time
are what I did that helped me love myself, love my life and in return become
ready to look for love in all the right places. So, I hope it helps.
Step One: Cry it Out!
Here you are, your heart has been wrenched from its
comfortable loving position in your chest and you are not sure what to do. You are so use to being in a relationship,
you are accustom to your partner always being there so yes you are lonely, the
sad thing is you are going to continue to be lonely. The hard thing to hear at this point, and
trust me I could see people telling me this but I did not believe them, is that
everything is going to be okay. Why did
I not hear people? For a number of
reasons, because I believed my heart ache was the worst heart ache ever and no
one could understand. Because everyone
thought Mr. X and I were soul mates, he asked me to have his children, thus we
were supposed to be forever. Because I
was so hurt and destroyed it was hard to see how life could possibly go back to
normal. I understand this step is the
most painful step, so here is how you deal with this immense pain. Find a way to let it out. You can cry it out, shout it out, fight it
out, chat it out, drink it out, dance it out, or run it out. After my breakup with Mr. AA I was at the gym
on the treadmill and I began to think of all the dreadful things he said and
did such as pointing out where I was gaining weight, always talking about
younger women being better, all the times he cheated or worse, my blood was on
fire and I began to run hard on that treadmill, what I did not realize is that
I ran for an hour straight on that treadmill just fueled by the rage that I had
towards him. Incredible to have all that
anger and find a great outlet. So I rage
ran for months, the amazing thing was once I was done my run every day I felt
fantastic! I got it all out. So find
your outlet and hit it hard, get out all the anger, the pain, the sorrow, the
rage, all the emotion you feel towards your Mr. X get it all out. I suggest
joining a kickboxing club and imagining certain individuals as your punching
bag if you really want a therapeutic outlet for any misplaced anger you are
harbouring. Once you have balanced your
emotions than you are ready for step two.
(On a side note your emotions are NOT balanced if you feel yourself
crying at romantic songs that you hear at the local Karaoke night, or at his
favorite food item in the grocery store, or you also burst into tears if
someone on the bus is wearing his cologne, if you have any of these symptoms
you need to still let out what you are feeling constructively)
Step Two: Work it
Out!
Now you are probably exhausted from the emotional roller
coaster of step one so step two is all about you! What makes you happy? What
makes you feel great? What makes you feel sexy?
Do all the things you love! And most importantly do them for
yourself. In this step do the things
your Mr. X told you, you would never accomplish because you know you can. What is very IMPORTANT in this step is that
when you do them, do them for you and do NOT call him and tell him about
it. It is important once you have
reached this step that you realize there is no going back, there is only going
forward and you deserve it! For myself I did the makeover, as pictured in a
previous blog, I dyed my red short hair black, got extensions, got my nails
done, in fact I went for spa day as I love massages. I bought a new wardrobe more suited for my
city lifestyle. I also applied for legal
assistant jobs, and am currently waiting to hear back this week about
them. So, I am working towards the life
that my Mr. X scoffed at and told me I would never have. And, you know what? I have it.
I love where I live, I love my new look, I love my current job that is
coming to an end because it was only temp, but it is through this job that I
set up all these legal interviews so amazing networking, so it is the beginning
of my legal career. If you have always
wanted to paint, sing, run a marathon, actually make that a triathlon, whatever
your dreams are and whatever makes you feel good do those things everyday and
enjoy doing them.
Step Three: Get Out
and Stay Out!
There is nothing worse than moping around thinking about
things that you could have done differently.
The past is the past and the future is what you make it so step three is
now that you have cried it out, then worked it out, get out and live your
life. Whether it is dancing at the club,
roller skating in the park, geocaching at the beach, whatever keeps your mind
busy and social! Social being the key word, be around people and be engaged. I do this very heavy on my girlfriends during
my breakups; in fact they are probably reading this thinking that exact same thought. I call them and hang out with them all the time
and it does not even have to be doing something it just has to be in company of
someone else. Why? Because unfortunately
you are still lonely. Girl company is
great company and very good to preoccupy your mind from the current situation. Also, you can be yourself with your lady
friends free of judgement which is an important place to be after a hard break
up. For myself I have to be honest my
get out and stay out involved a lot of beaches, night clubs and vodka for the
entire month of August. I am not
suggesting this therapy to anyone but it was I did. The amazing thing is that during these first
three steps you can be as outlandish and crazy as you want and your friends and
family will blame your break up like it is a great reason. Like all your logic is somehow completely
incapacitated by your broken soul and thus you are no longer a rational
being. It is amazing, I literally could
eat an entire box of chocolate while drinking an entire bottle of vodka while
doing many things in excess and everyone turned a blind eye. Enjoy this moment, it is the only moment your
parents and friends will be on the same page, it is also the only moment they
both will not be encouraging you to smarten up, and if you have friends like I
do it is also the only moment when your friends and family just sit in silence
because they really do not know what to say.
The fact is your friends and family are going through your break up to,
they also thought the same things you were thinking and your Mr. X became a
fixture in their lives as well. Also,
they love you more than you love yourself and they do not know how to handle
your heart ache either. So be around
these people as much as possible, wrap yourself in a blanket of friends and
family and love their company because you should not be lonely. If you are in a responsible position in life
and would like than also get a dog, cat, fish, lizard, whatever companion would
make you happy. I have a fat bug (Boston
Terrier Pug Cross) best company ever! I strongly suggest getting an animal that
will love you as much as you love it and this animal, in particular a dog, will
motivate you to get out of the house! If
you are not in a position to do so VOLUNTEER at an animal shelter, or actually
now that I am writing this, pretty much volunteering anywhere will be social and
make you feel good AND help others!
Picture From: https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+friends&hl=en&tbo=u&rls=com.microsoft:en-ca:IE-Address&rlz=1I7ADFA_enCA458&tbm=isch&source=univ&sa=X&ei=zioAUfSdF6KWiQLZ5oHgDA&ved=0CC8QsAQ&biw=1366&bih=588
Step Four: Love yourself!
Alright, the worst is over! You made it to step four!
Congratulations, you by this point should be waking up and not cursing the sun
for coming up. In fact you should almost
be on the complete mend. You should be
in an emotional stable place and now is the time to realize that you are
amazing! Hard to do if you are on step one and reading this, but believe me it
will happen. Fall in love with the
person who deserves it most...you! This may take some therapy in the form of
music, a person, or literature. I am not
sure what is best for you. I took a
three day intense self development course paired with reading some literature
and always music therapy. Whatever you
think it will take for you to believe that you are worth affection and love,
because often after the rejection of a break up this kind of self worth is
difficult to come by. Once you know that
you are worth the best! And that you are awesome than you are ready for Step
Five.
Step Five: Looking for Love in All The RIGHT Places
Now there is really no time definition on when you will be
on this step. As suggest in my original
blog 25% of your previous relationship which would actually mean that I have
two short sweet months left to be 100 % percent healed but everyone is
different and I am feeling pretty great about all things Mr. X related on my
part so here is the thing. Prior to
these steps you can absolutely try to find love, but it will not work, if you
are in step one, you will be constantly talking about your Mr. X and it will be
totally obvious to anyone that you are not ready for anything serious. Also, it is important to note that you will
be putting out a very desperate and slightly crazy vibe and will attract the
wrong kind of men, unfortunately I know all about this messy situation. Moving on to looking for love in step two,
you think it is so great when you meet a guy at your Zumba class as you both
like to do the same thing. Guess what
you both eat food and breathe oxygen but that does not mean you are ready for
him. You are in the phase where you are
searching for your own outlet of happiness, if you find him in it you will
latch on to him for dear life because you will equate him with your happiness,
it will get messy and you are not ready to be with him yet. Also, your happy discovery zone should be
just yours and keep it that way, maintain your independence in your pursuit for
happiness. However, once you are on this
step, step five, absolutely ask the guy at the dog park, zumba, running group
for a coffee but not a step sooner! Step Three is a tricky area to meet someone
in, because you are heavily reliant on your friends for company and companion
ship you may meet a great guy through one of them which is a key to the RIGHT
places of this step. But, if you are
only attaching yourself to him than you may be clingy and using him to not feel
lonely, so if you meet a guy in step three keep him at a distance until you are
done step four, you are only one short step away from five anyways. Step four you will be doing a lot of soul
searching and it may overlap slightly with this step so do not kick yourself if
you meet Mr. Right in zone four, do kick yourself however if Mr. Right is your
therapist or life coach, because that is blurring a line that should be
respected. Step five = meeting a man
either through friends, family or co-worker or your hobbies. Mr. Elevator and I met at the pub but we were
both their for the same birthday party, but never the less a pub so it may be a
poor indicator. Once you have a common
ground to meet on and some friends that you can get a little information on him
about than you will know if he is good or bad.
It is IMPORTANT to note that I met Mr. X through our mutual close friend
and things ended horribly so I am not saying that the correct way to meet a man
will result in a good break up, unfortunately nothing can guarantee that,
sorry! It is important that you do not meet your new love interest at some
seedy pub or at some other casual area as they are most likely not looking for
anything like you are.
Picture From: https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+friends&hl=en&tbo=u&rls=com.microsoft:en-ca:IE-Address&rlz=1I7ADFA_enCA458&tbm=isch&source=univ&sa=X&ei=zioAUfSdF6KWiQLZ5oHgDA&ved=0CC8QsAQ&biw=1366&bih=588#hl=en&tbo=d&rls=com.microsoft:en-ca%3AIE-Address&rlz=1I7ADFA_enCA458&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=pictures+of+men+with+broken+heart&oq=pictures+of+men+with+broken+heart&gs_l=img.3...103359.107760.0.108728.30.27.1.2.2.1.157.2163.19j8.27.0...0.0...1c.1.clCZQ1M1pdY&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_cp.r_qf.&bvm=bv.41248874,d.cGE&fp=3d4483de29e682ad&biw=1366&bih=588
There you are my ladies, that is all the advice I have. This worked for me and I hope it works for
you. The most important thing to know is
that we have all had our hearts ripped out and we all know what you are going
through. Also, you have survived the
worst and you are still trying, and that
is amazing in itself, never give up on you! And, if it makes you feel better it is a
widely accepted phenomena that men deal with break ups far worse than women,
(will an issue covered in a future blog) so on your worse day you may take some
comfort that he most likely feels worse.
All my best on your speedy recover!
What is interesting is while writing this blog
about break up survival Mr. Elevator decided to end things with me. Fortunately given our short lived fling that
I do not need to go through the five steps, a month and a bit is not enough
time to know someone well enough to have true feelings for them that is not to
say that I was not fully enjoying getting to know Mr. Elevator. According to the break up calculator of 25% I
would only need 9 short sweet days, and seeing as how today would be day 5,
four more to go, piece of cake. But no hard feelings for Mr. Elevator he is
kind, funny, attractive and has a great job so those are all qualities that are
admirable in a man. But, I made him feel
claustrophobic, which is understandable as I am a planner. I love to plan, it makes me feel comfortable,
so when we were together I would like to make plans for our next date, but this
can be overwhelming for someone wanting to not rush into anything serious. So in the end I wish him all the best and
understand that not all people are able to get to know each other, it is just
not humanly possible. Also, in the end I
have learned something, while I can be a planner in all other aspects of life
when it comes to men I should not be, I should just let them chase me and make
the plans, life lesson learnt. (On a side note, he did ask for space but I have
found it is always best to assume that this means the worst, that he is taking
the nice guy way out of ending things. What I have come to realize is that
expecting the worst and carrying on creates the situation that you will not be disappointed
if that is the outcome and if the outcome is different well then you will be
pleasantly surprised. To all you
advocates of ‘The Secret’ I am not saying do not think positively, but rather,
think positively about the end and what that means for you rather than swimming
in a sea of hope and denial. ) The important thing is to know that worrying, overthinking,
over analyzing, etc will just drive you insane
things end because they just do. Flings
die out, people grow apart, relationships get old, and marriages crumble at the
end of the day accepting the end is the healthiest thing that you can do. Accepting the end of something that you worked
at can be hard but for every end there is a new beginning. More importantly these ends lead you to be
able to focus on your life and make it all you want it to be. For myself this particular end leads me back to day one of this 180 day hiatus! And with any luck success at completing it. Thanks for reading!
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