The Ugly Truth of the Comfort Zone

“I’m dating skid-marks guy. When your boyfriend is so comfortable that he cannot be bothered to wipe his ass, there’s a problem.” – Miranda Hobbes

(1) Recently I noticed my cousin’s teenage son proclaim his love on the wonderful world of Facebook and this is when I began to realize a phenomenon, in particular in high school couples of course but none the less, it was prominent. He was proclaiming his undevoted love his girlfriend and her right back at him two days into their dating proclamation. Ms. J has been dating her man for two months and they are already throwing the L word around liberally and have discussed marriage with kids. Mr. X proclaimed similar words of me being his dream girl and wanting to get married after just one week, and is currently doing the same with his new Ms.X. My advice to anyone who is hell bent on falling in love quickly that your chances of falling out of love just as quickly as you fell in are just as high, if not higher. Perhaps it is more so the thought of love or loving someone that has got your emotions in high gear and not actually the person you are sharing time with. “Love always takes time. You may be madly infatuated by someone you’ve met on a date once, or you may think you’re in love after your first kiss. But it’s not really love at all. It’s just the first stage in several stages of that mushy thing called love.” (2) One should give their relationship until they are at least waste deep in the comfort zone before you shout out your love from the roof tops. If you truly love someone than you will know for sure as your attraction to your mate will be put to the test once they get comfortable enough to be their disgusting selves in front of you.

(3) There is a turning point in all relationships where we sail blissfully into the comfort zone. There is no more awkward laughter with passing of gas, there is carrying on a conversation mid pee with the door open, there is a transition from a normal flawless being to full on embracing all faults. To be blunt I could not be more UNHAPPY about such a thing! There is a moment as you are snuggled up on the sofa drinking your morning tea, waking up, watching some morning telly and out walks your man, who has put on a few pounds lately, with his fur coating of chest and back hair that is very pronounced in the day light as the sun sparkles off the twisted curly hairs he refuses to shave off with pride, with his bed head and scruffy unshaved face and as you watch him as he scrunches up his forehead to add ten years and he vigorously cleans his ear wax out with a Qtip and then stares at the tip and then cleans it out again that you begin to question whether you will ever be turned on by this creature standing in front of you again. What a relief when he returns to the bathroom only to return with his little flossing tool and flosses in front of you while asking you what the plan is for the day. (Insert disgusted face here of disapproval) The comfort zone is an ugly place in my personal opinion. It is not to say that I do not perform the same actions as said man above, hopefully with significantly less body hair, but what I am saying is that when I perform my daily grooming routine I do so behind closed doors. I am not entirely sure what happens to us in our relationships that makes us so compelled to be around our partners 24 hours a day that we cannot even empty our bladders without their presence, but it is strange. It is right around the time your girlfriend is telling you that her boyfriend is no longer attracted to her or has a wandering eye while perched on the porcelain throne whilst shaving her underarms that you begin to suspect their maybe a method to his madness. Let’s face it, unless you have some unique fetishes, flossing, bowel or bladder movement, ear cleaning, nose picking, passing gas, shaving, picking blemishes, etc are never sexy. “ I know a lot of people take honor in being this comfortable with each other and really, it’s not that big of a deal but it’s just one more thing that takes away from the intimacy. Unless you’re getting a golden shower – I say keep the door closed. It will make your “showers” more special too…! Also while I’m here, no peeing in the shower together unless of course it’s a golden shower! Hot pee smells likes stale buttered popcorn – please, spare your mate.” (4) Thus if you want to continue being considered a desired being try doing these things, if you must, in the privacy of your own bathroom. On a side note: this also should be taken into consideration for when your partner is in the shower or bath tub, many a time I have been hunched over, accentuating less than flattering body bulges while shaving and been surprised by my partner who is excited. Like some erotic movie or pornography they have this image of me all soaped up and anticipating their arrival. Let me inform you if anyone wants you to join them in their bathing element they will invite you, it is not a good idea to just surprise someone in the midst of their bathing rituals, cause it ain’t all pretty. “Preserve a degree of mystery and intrigue during the early stages of the relationship. If you and your boyfriend get in the mood for a sexy shower, don’t take a time-out to shave your legs. No matter how annoying that popcorn kernel stuck between your teeth is, extract it in the bathroom and not while lying next to your honey in bed. Keeping private acts private is about making your partner feel special—and not like your college roommate.” (5)

(6) In fact my bathing rituals have actually become something I very much enjoy doing privately. It gives me time to think, reflect, sing, pretend to accept the Grammy awards in front of the mirror and all the blissful things one can do under their own supervision. I am not a person who enters the comfort zone and needs to have my lover see my everything. Of course I for certain enter the comfort zone in the fact that make up is not needed at every second of every day and sweat pants become a regular guest star in my fashion show but there are certain things that could and in fact should be left behind closed doors for the sanctity of everyone. “Most men like a little game, a little chase. They enjoy the thrill of not being exactly sure of how something will end. They like to be surprised, they like to be a little competitive. They enjoy a little thrill and a little mystery. They seek it out in their lives. Why would his relationship with you be any different” (7) Once you reveal your inner most rituals to a man, the mystery is gone, there is no intrigue because he knows exactly what you look like when you do it because you for some reason do it in front of him. Once a man told me his ex girlfriend enjoyed popping his backacne (Insert upchuck sound) DISGUSTING! There are so many beautifying products such as exfoiliants that this ritual churns my stomach. “The thing is, when you two came together into a relationship, he made alot of adjustments to accommodate what you wanted. They may not have been discussed, they may not have been visible. But if you think about it, he changed some of his old habits or ways so that you would feel comfortable (or so that he wouldn't get in trouble.) In much the same way, you should want to do little things for him. Unlike you, he probably can't articulate what it is that he wants. And it's really hard to tell someone to be more mysterious.” (8) I have also heard women argue “Well once you have kids....” they use this reasoning to justify the fact that they are implanted in the comfort zone and never coming out, they even pick out their husband’s wardrobe, wipe down the toilet after him and even in one case blew his nose like a baby! Let me tell you that just because you have children with your man does not mean somehow your man has morphed into one of your children, and just because you have had children does not mean you now have the right to wallow in your comfort zone for eternity. How incredibly emasculating for a man to be treated like a baby who needs to be tended to and how incredibly unsexy for a woman to baby her man. “Women find themselves mothering their husbands because of societal pressures to be the ultimate woman, says Pepper Schwartz, a sociology professor at the University of Washington in Seattle."We've been taught that the way to show love is to do for others,"(9) she says. And, according to Schwartz, some women believe that the more they nurture, the better a woman they are.” (10) Cut the umbilical cord! and let your man be a man and find a healthy way to be the woman in your relationship. If I walk into the bathroom, toilet seat up and piss on the floor and seat....ew....I would tell my partner firstly that his aim for a man of his age is highly questionable, and secondly that it would be great if he could clean up after himself. Men are completely capable of being tidy and clean, in fact if you baby them and take on the mother role you will lose major respect, sexual attraction and sense of self so be a partner to your man , a mother to your kids and a friend to your friends and keep the roles straight.

(11) Personally I do not know if the comfort zone will ever come with Mr. Elevator, unfortunately I jumped the gun on the talk. In fact I jumped the gun on two things, first it is my bday party this Saturday, a joint 80’s themed affair and I invited him to the club we are headed to as it seemed a bit odd to have a party and not invite him, but then that will involved introducing him to my friends and sister and in my earlier blog I intended this transition not to occur for another two to five months. So that freaks me out a bit but I also think that it is rude to invite coworkers and what not to the party and not him and it would be great to go out with him as he is a fun guy so that was the first jump because he accepted my invite. The second jump was that we had dinner on Sunday for my actual bday and I had some martini’s so my alter ego emerged Ms. Cosmo and decided to ask if he was dating anyone else his exact words were “I have not and I am not looking but I do not consider us exclusive” this irked me a bit. Isn’t not dating anyone else and not looking the definition of exclusive? So I texted him later asking him if this situation between us was just a fun fling or if he meant he wanted to see where things go. This is where I got the answer that I am truly use to hearing “I am not looking for anything serious” other answers have been “You are a really cool chick but I am not sure what I want right now” or “I like spending time with you but I do not want to commit to one person” For the past 12 years of my dating career this statement has haunted me and I will tell you why. It is like saying you are a great second place candidate but I am saving first place for someone else. And in every situation where these words have been spoken I have thought well that does not mean never, so I stick with it in the relationship limbo of unidentified lover in the hopes that I may one day be good enough to take on the girlfriend label, in some cases almost a year, and let me tell you they always end up the same in that they sleep with someone else. It is in the sex with someone else that ends it. So it was less encouraging to hear the words from my current flame as you can imagine but I am not going to paint a picture of the future with a brush stained from the past!! He also said that he has an eye on the future which is something these other men did not say so we are chatting tomorrow evening about all things relationship I guess, my most dreaded moment when there is a reckoning of events rendered and verdict on the outcome. To be honest I just want to see where things go, I am in no hurry to label or name call anything. It is really nice to just be with someone, but I am also now 31 and if I wanted to have a fun fling I would have just continued to peruse the 20 something isle at the dating department store. However, I am looking for something that may have a future with someone that treats me well, I have fun with and that is worth my time, it is sad to think could it be I may be back on this hiatus just as fast as I was off of it? Stay tuned next week! Thanks for reading XO

(11) The above pic is my next year bday cake I hope! References: 1) http://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+men&hl=en&tbo=u&rls=com.microsoft:en-ca:IE-Address&rlz=1I7BBKB_enCA507&tbm=isch&source=univ&sa=X&ei=zobsUK7kNKr8igLL1YGoBw&ved=0CDMQsAQ&biw=1280&bih=838#hl=en&tbo=d&rls=com.microsoft:en-ca%3AIE-Address&rlz=1I7BBKB_enCA507&tbm=isch&sa=1&q=pictures+of+men+on+toilet&oq=pictures+of+men+on+toilet&gs_l=img.3...1348.5344.1.5467.22.18.3.1.1.0.155.766.16j2.18.0...0.0...1c.1.c6GO4PcjDKk&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.&fp=e5916e9e14089ac5&biw=1280&bih=838 (2) “10 Reasons Why Saying I Love You Too Soon Sucks” LovePanky.com (3)http://www.google.ca/imgres?q=pictures+of+men+cleaning+ears&hl=en&tbo=d&rls=com.microsoft:en-ca:IE-Address&rlz=1I7BBKB_enCA507&biw=1280&bih=838&tbm=isch&tbnid=26igDYpt8ywD5M:&imgrefurl=http://us.fotolia.com/id/29554280&docid=dogN5Lgdi2hJGM&itg=1&imgurl=http://t1.ftcdn.net/jpg/00/29/55/42/400_F_29554280_O4pkkyBLoM54zj2y0KEhW93Hzj9hS21g.jpg&w=300&h=400&ei=MIfsUPOPO8LqiQLGlYCoCA&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=370&sig=107452037521408045428&page=1&tbnh=138&tbnw=104&start=0&ndsp=35&ved=1t:429,r:10,s:0,i:115&tx=51&ty=46 (4)“Think Peeing With The Door Open is Sexy?” Jenna Time Dirty and Thirty (5) “Peeing with the Door Open and Other Discouraged Dating Behaviours” Crazy Girl Nation (6) http://www.sodahead.com/fun/how-to-shower/question-2108653/?link=ibaf&q=pictures+of+men+shower&imgurl=http://www.happy-healthy-successful.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Man-taking-a-shower.jpg (7) “Maintain Your Mystery – Keep Him Guessing...and Interested.” Hub Pages (8)“Maintain Your Mystery – Keep Him Guessing...and Interested.” Hub Pages (9) “Do You Mommy Your Husband?” Sarah Jio CNN Living April 30th 2008 (10)“Do You Mommy Your Husband?” Sarah Jio CNN Living April 30th 2008 (11)http://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+guys+in+diapers&hl=en&tbo=u&rlz=1R2BBKB_enCA507&tbm=isch&source=univ&sa=X&ei=uZXsUMykF4TAiwLJsoDQCA&ved=0CC8QsAQ&biw=1280&bih=838 http://www.sodahead.com/fun/birthday-party-for-gooky-party-time-please-stop-in-and-wish-gooky-a-very-happy-birthday/question-2854441/?page=3&link=ibaf&q=pictures+of+a+man+jumping+out+of+cake&imgurl=http://i109.photobucket.com/albums/n75/irish_red/CakeCarlo1.jpg