Is Ignorance Bliss? When it comes to cheaters.

“Cheating and lying aren't struggles, they're reasons to break up.” 
― Patti Callahan Henry, Between The Tides

Given my long history of unfaithful men I have often pondered if I am happier now knowing all I know and being in the state I am in, or, if I would have been happier to be ignorant to the other women and still be with my cheating partners.  I, of course, have no idea how happy I would be on the flip side of my equation because I only know this reality.   This question I further wondered about as I thought about all my lovely ladies (and men) who have been cheated on, and whether or not they chose to stay or leave their partner.  I guess I find myself seriously questioning the probability that your lover does not figure it out when your messing around.  Being an intelligent (or perhaps just intuitive) woman myself I have found out on my own (except once) about all the infidelity in my life.  In fact, I have always got sort of this odd feeling from the men in my life when they have strayed.  Their behavior changes just slightly and when I look into, BAM, there it is an email, a Facebook update, a love note, a whatever it is, is right there plain as day, just screaming "PLEASE CATCH ME!" and so I do.   But, with every instance of exposure to this deceit I find myself wondering that infamous question "Should I stay or should I go now?"  So, I thought about the women that know about the infidelity in their love lives and stay.  Because, it feels so good to cling to the lies of the cheating man than actually hear that he is stepping out on you, doesn't it?  Thus the following are three reasons why I believe that people can not stay together in relationships that are riddled with infidelity (or even those which are just touched lightly by the cheating fairy):

“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.” 
― Cheryl Hughes

1)TRUST! "Hello Captain Obvious!"  (This is just a given).  I have seen women stay with their men who have cheated on them and they are constantly saying "Do you think he is cheating on me?"
 To which I say "Of course he is cheating on you, but you chose to stay with him"
Which oddly enough somehow develops into a conversation in which they say all the lies they want to believe so badly and me in return rebutting them and just saying "No, he is cheating on you and you are not going to win me over." True story.  So what kind of relationship can these two people have if one is constantly panicked into believing that infidelity is around every corner and she/he constantly checks their social media and cell phone and assaults them with accusations regularly.  While the other knows he/she can do whatever they want with whoever they want whenever they want as long as they deny, deny, deny...in fact the flow of lies begins to feel like a second nature to them. I see it with my own eyes more often than I care to, it is the definition of dysfunctional. But, there is something, that is also so toxic about it too.  The claim of love, they say that is what keeps them together.  Because let's face it, the cheating partner has struck gold! He/she can cheat and do whatever they want and still have the couple life, he/she has ultimate control of all aspects of thier romantic life.  Incredible.  (Of course there are women out there that are the same way, do not get me wrong, the roads to infidelity are equally paved by both men and women.) The ego maniacal partner is too selfish to let the other go because he quiet possibly fancies her, but more likely he just likes to be in control of her and couldn't care less if she was around or not, but he/she is selfish and the THOUGHT of someone else having the cake he has and eating it too does bother him/her enough to keep all lovers at bay.  I know this mentality because I have been both the cheater keeping lovers on ice and the  person on the receiving end.  See some men are amazing and the thought of someone else getting their treatment makes the ego maniac upset, but not upset enough to give up on the juggling act of cheating.  So I am not pulling any wool over your eyes when it comes to the reality of what cheaters are thinking. People that cheat are selfish. So instead of being an insecure mess, or a selfish jerk let's just let each other go.  Realize that what you are doing to each other is enabling a distrustful situation that is never going to go anywhere good. You, the selfish jerk, realize you are never going to give your partner what they need to be happy. Realize that they deserve more than you can be and walk away (yes I realize this makes you the partner that has cheated and then also broken up with that person, but at least then you are doing the right thing rather than being the constant cheater).   OR, if you are the insecure partner staying with said cheater, I know, it feels like your world is ending, you have a million fears about being alone and being single and being without but just let go. You are going to be fine, in fact, you are actually grabbing hold of a brand new world, and this healthy world built on trust is about to blow your mind!

“What irritated me most in that entire situation was the fact that I
wasn’t feeling humiliated, or annoyed, or even fooled. Betrayal was
what I felt, my heart broken not just by a guy I was in love with, but also by, as I once believed, a true friend.” 
― Danka V., The Unchosen Life

2) Shaken not stirred! What am I talking about here?  Blending of course! So perhaps you have been with your partner for ten years and then find that she is banging your best friend for last year.  OUCH, sorry buds.  But, you decide if no one else knows... (FYI people know, people totally know, all her friends and in this case all of yours) than you can just sweep it under the rug, cross your fingers no one finds out and carry on blending in! Blending in with your nice house, and all your other couple friends doing coupley things,  and your alternating Christmases at each others homes, and your new shiny car, and your bowling league, etc. and all the little perfect things that make up your little perfect life.  (Here is where I would like to give a HUGE SHOUT OUT to those of us who have never hidden behind excuses and done what is right and left.  You are the strongest, you are the most brave, your life, if it isn't already, a million times better one day soon will be, I promise.) But! one must keep those perfect little appearances up mustn't they! No one can know that some how your perfect little family that you send out every year on your oh so picture perfect Seasons Greetings card is anything but what it appears.  Sickening.  I have been this person too.  And, let me tell you something and then you can take a deep breath and process it because it always really helps me when I am over whelmed.  Everyone is F#2ked up.  Yes, that is right.  Every single person breathing oxygen right now has issues.  Hello, even Martha Stewart went to jail and her daughter wrote a terrible biography about her childhood, that is right, EVEN MARTHA STEWART IS NOT PERFECT (sorry Martha you are my gal and I love your recipes but the truth is the truth).  You are not perfect, I am not perfect, NONE OF US ARE PERFECT and you know what?  That is completely okay.  Because, life is not about the perfect moment, or the perfect gift, or the perfect photo, or the perfect whatever.  Life is about being perfectly imperfect like the rest of us.  Life is not ever going to be perfect but it will always be incredible! And, it is always going to be a challenge.  Even Housewives of Lalaland have problems.  So if fitting in is what is keeping you with your cheating partner than you should ask yourself who you are trying to fit in with? Because, the truth is the people you are trying to impress are just (or even more) messed up than you will ever be. The reality of the situation is that "About 70 percent of married men admitted to cheating on their wives! Another study found that 2/3 of women are not aware of their husband's affair...What about the women? Most statistics found that about 50 to 60 percent of women admitted to having an affair...(but)...About 17 percent of divorces are caused by infidelity."(1)  So what the neighbors will may actually think when your perfect home splits into two is that you had more courage than they do because they are in the same situation.  Be brave.

"Earthquakes just happen. Tornadoes just happen. Your tongue does not just happen to fall into some other girls mouth!” 
― Gemma Halliday, Deadly Cool

3) No Big Deal.  Everyone cheats.  Okay, I have definitely rocked this attitude many a times.  Guilty as charged.  But, let me tell you.  NOT EVERYONE CHEATS.  Brave men do not.   There is a large population of men who actually never cheat (who I have sadly rarely had the pleasure of dating...) It is atrocious that there is this social acceptance that all men are horned up dogs that can't keep it in their pants for one woman.  What a load of shit.  Men are not uncontrollable freaks that need to stick it into anything that walks (with the exception of some men of course, but these men are idiots and are actually capable of restraining themselves they just CHOOSE not too).  But, there is such a strong social stigma around the faithful man.  It is like "EW! He's faithful, which means he is super lame and missing out on so much pussy and good times, and whatever..." Let me tell you, the faithful man is actually AMAZING!! He has realized what life is about and about himself.  He has realized life is not about swimming in a sea of random hook ups, no.  It is actually about finding someone amazing to share whatever your dream life is and making it a reality.  He is confident enough to know what he wants and does  not need to search for the definition of his manhood between the sheets of random homes.  More importantly, while yes sex is a lot of fun, one day the men that think infidelity is the best will be older, and balder/or grey, typically fatter, and alone and they will realize they actually let some pretty amazing women slip through their finger tips for series of meaningless events.  Women who truly cared for them and would have given them the world.  This realization I have heard about from both older men and young. (So perhaps it is just intelligent men who sort this out when they are young).  But, there will come a time in life when men who are not faithful, who have lost their amazing soul mate will think "I am actually the looser" and you know what?  They are right.  And, all the men who think infidelity is awesome, the majority of women think you are a creep.  They do not think your prowess and inability to confine your cock is sexy, in fact, they think the opposite about you.  So, while you think you are the king of cool I am here to tell you that women all around the world are looking at the faithful good man and believe that he is not only the king of cool, but the best man out of all men because he truly gets what life is about.   Life is not about how many pairs of legs you spread but it is actually about opening someone's heart and letting someone open yours and so a BIG PROPS! To the men in this world who have found that incredible someone that makes them realize this and that makes their life better each day.  I am here to say that there is no "EW" to you, there is only mad respect and a hope that one day that men who are dogs will be the stigma and you will be praised.

"Fuck You for cheating on me. Fuck you for reducing it to the word cheating. As if this were a card game, and you sneaked a look at my hand. Who came up with the term cheating, anyway? A cheater, I imagine. Someone who thought liar was too harsh. Someone who thought devastator was too emotional. The same person who thought, oops, he’d gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Fuck you. This isn’t about slipping yourself an extra twenty dollars of Monopoly money. These are our lives. You went and broke our lives. You are so much worse than a cheater. You killed something. And you killed it when its back was turned.” 
― David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary

So here we are back on the topic of cheating again, it is my honest opinion that ignorance is NOT bliss.  In fact when you are ignorant and find out I would say that it totally rips your soul out, more so than just being cheated on.  You truly feel like a fool.  Also, if everyone around you knows, you also feel incredibly hurt by everyone knowing and deceiving you.  Anyways, basically if you want to sleep around don't be with anyone.  And, if you want to be with someone than don't sleep around.  No, you can not have your cake and eat it too.  Unless you have somehow found like a magic unicorn (a woman who likes to have threesomes) that agrees to some kind of polygamous relationship with you.  In which case you have struck gold, but let's face it unicorns like this only exist in fables and Penthouse.  Find a good woman/man, treat her/him right, look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and like what you see.  Treat people with dignity.  Because at the end of the day your the person who should like yourself and hopefully other people do to.

Personally I guess I am struggling with the boundaries of cheating.  Is it cheating to flirt, text, lead men on while dating someone?  Is cheating defined by physical interaction? Or is cheating also the words, the intention and thoughts behind it all?  Mr. TooGood is an amazing person but why is it that I am just not able to curve my appetite for the opposite sex?  When I am out and about and a man shows me attention I bat my eyes and let them spread it on thick.  Male attention is so alluring, so tempting, so flattering....so a million things that a taken woman should not be welcoming into her love life.  Or should she?  Are these actions part of a bigger problem?  Are these actions a cry for a way out?  I guess I feel like I have not done anything wrong because my actions have so far have just been teasing disaster and not jumping in by actually going on dates or fooling around...but then again perhaps I am just avoiding the inevitable...what is that old saying "Once a cheat always a cheat?" As I said I have been on both sides of the equation.  Thanks for reading! XO

References:
All pictures are from the fabulous world of google search.

1) "Cheating Statistics: Do Men Cheat More Than Women?" By Lisa Penn, Yourtango.com, June 07, 2012

(http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/cheating-statistics-do-men-cheat-more-women#ixzz2eVdHsSrO)