It's JUST sex...or is it???

"Let's talk about sex baby, 
Let's talk about you and me, 
Let's talk about all the bad things
And the good things that could be, 
Let's talk about sex." 
-Salt'n Pepper

So here I am hearing from one of my fantastic female friends the following line from a man who she had a roll in the hay with earlier this month.  "I am not looking for a girlfriend, I just want sex."  It is incredible to me that we live in a day in age where such words are considered considerate.  Yes, there are opportune times when said arrangements may seem ideal! But, in the long run of things these agreements never last.  Why? EMOTIONS! That is right, we all have them and sooner or later in the world of the friends with benefits feelings start to creep up.  Gradually of course.  One day you are fine and happy with your friends with benefits package and the next you are waking up with an unsettled feeling about them.  That small feeling suggesting you ask them to brunch, or your maybe even your sister's wedding.  BUT! The politics of this arrangement shall be left for another blog day.  Today's blog is going to be about three honest reasons men ask women to put out or get out.  Literally, the dynamics that drive men to believe that women should sell themselves short as a booty call and nothing more and why quite frankly women should be offended by this demotion.  The truth is if he doesn't want to tell people you two are getting down, he doesn't deserve to see you naked.

"It's not who you want to spend your Friday night with.
It is who you spend all day Saturday with." 
-Friends with Benefits

1) He does not want a relationship WITH YOU.  So sorry gals! But, if a guy actually says "I don't want a relationship" guess what?? He does not want a relationship with you.  The sad reality is a week from now he might start dating someone, this is the truth.  It is unfortunate that men can not be honest and say "It's you,  I actually don't like you enough to date you." (OUCH, I know hard to hear) but at least it is the truth! But, here is what the vague statement of "I don't want a relationship.." tells the woman you have opted to try and have sex with on the regular with no commitment.  "OH! He does not want a relationship at this moment...BUT.....maybe one day, or maybe once he gets to know me, or maybe when he realizes I won't hurt him...or...." NO! Stop this kind of thinking right now.  It is not that he does not want a relationship, it is actually that he just does not want to be in one with you.  I know this rejection is incredibly hard to hear. I have endured the denial of this situation multiple times.  From the beginning the man says "I don't want a relationship" and instead of hearing what he is saying I think "Not yet anyways!" and yet months down the line you are still just a booty call that is void of any title and feeling pretty shabby about selling yourself short.  Men, unlike women, are not cryptic in this situation.  When they say they don't want a relationship.  Guess what?  They don't want one with you.  They are not waiting to be wooed into couplehood like their female counter parts, no.  They mean what they say, but of course they would never be honest enough to say "...with you" after "I don't want a relationship." After all that might lead to unwanted confrontation and open communication!

"Friends with benefits means in the end someone will catch feelings." 
-Unknown

2) Free sex! Yes men love sex (who doesn't!) AND! if they can get it with no strings attached the better.  No more wining and dining, no more effort, no more nothing.  Just sex.  What a relief! YA RIGHT! If a man is not willing to give it all for you than show him the door.  Here is the thing, you ARE WORTH IT! You are worth a man who realizes that bedding you will take more than just saying "Hey wanna F#*k?" I am not talking monetary spending here either, I am talking about a guy will listen to you, take you for a walk, etc, show that he actually cares.  My same friend that inspired this topic told me "Don't men get that sex gets better when you actually care for someone?"  YES, they do.  Most men I know have said this.  But, men that suggest to you that you are just good for a shag are not men who care about this.  In fact men like this think it would be ideal if they could find a regular f*$k buddy to do them when they want and then live their single life as if that person does not exist.  What a flattering offer?  NOT! Don't sell yourself short to this (F.Y.I I am aware that there are some women who treat men like this, this advice goes both ways).  Men ask these degrading questions of women because we subject ourselves to these kinds of requests.  We say yes to the no strings attached, while all the while plotting all our strings (because we have feelings already brewing and think that if we continue the free sex relationship something more will come....sorry again gals, nothing more is coming).  Here is the thing, unless you just want to be f#*ked and nothing else than walk away from this man, this situation and this offer.  Trust me, he is trying NOT to buy the cow and still get the milk for free and unless that is all you want for SURE don't give away your milk! SPECIAL NOTE HERE: If a guy is feeding you lines about not being ready to be hurt again, or what not about his past, WALK AWAY.  First of all he has massive, massive baggage if this is even true.  Second of all, if he is not ready to care for someone than he should have not a) led you on and b) slept with you.  Do not settle for men who try and hide behind their lame excuses we have all been hurt, we have all been scared and we all deserve a chance to feel love, don't sell yourself short because you empathize with his heart ache.

"Power is being told you are not loved, 
And, not being destroyed by it." 
-Madonna

3) It is not cheating if you don't commit.  Sorry ladies but the other reason he may only want to bed you when the urge comes over him is that he has other women in said bed when you are not around.  The thing is as long as he has the green light to NoCommitmentTown from you than he can slide between the sheets however he wants and with whoever he wants on the regular.  Why?  Because sadly you have no say as a booty call.  In fact, you probably have no say as a girlfriend either, if someone wants to cheat they will find a way.  So the longer you put out with no idea of what you are and what he is up to the longer you could say you are getting played my dear.  I know this because I have been both on the receiving and the delivering end of this kind of treatment.  And, keeping your options open is not always a bad thing, in fact, I have to say that knowing what is out there is the spice of life. However, lying about it just leaves a bad after taste to said spice.  Basically if you want your booty call agreement to be the most successful than you have to set up your boundaries and respect his.  But, really we both know that you are worth the title of so much more than a cheap booty call.  Demand more from your lovers, and here is the thing if they are not willing to test drive the relationship car with you, than they surely are not worth a second more of your time.  Know your worth, stand up for your value and, always, always, be honest about what you want. It is your life.

"A guy and a girl can be just friends, 
But, at one point or another, they will fall for each other.
Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever." 
-Tumblir

Personally it came down to the wire.  There I was in a relationship with someone I barely know and I felt myself unhappily begin to nit pick away.  Which I hate, but I do because misery loves company.  Mr. TooGood asked if I even wanted to be in a relationship.  To which I answered "I don't know" but the truth of the matter is, I do know and the answer is no.  Or perhaps the honest answer is not with Mr. TooGood.  I can not feel bad about this situation because feelings are what they are.  There is no forcing the desire to be with someone it either comes naturally or it does not.  For a moment there the desire was there full on, for a moment it was all I wanted.  However, that moment does not justify staying in an unahppy union.  No it does not.  I encourage all of us to be honest with yourself and with your partners and ex partners, because forcing yourself into a situation that you do not want will never make you happy.  And yet you try so hard to fit into the concept of loving someone for so many reasons, but when the love is gone there is just bitterness.  The truth is the honey moon period should be blissful and full of happiness, not full of fights and day dreams of your single days.  BUT....it is right when you get what you think you wanted that your old grass looks greener.....so stay tuned next week where I am sure my mind will have done a complete 180.  Hey, at least I am honest! Thanks for reading XOXO