The Break Up

A lot of people asked what went down between The American and I, so I have decided to write a quick post about my side of the story and move on.

First:
He had to leave the country.  Rather than accept this fate, I had faith we could do the long distance.  Rather than tell me no, he lead me to believe he wanted to try.  But, I should have noticed he had fallen out of love slowly and coldly the way men do since January.  I wanted so desperately for things to just find a way to work out.  Even though I knew things weren't working.

Second:
He had completely stopped trying.  I increased my efforts to try and balance this but rather it just came off as controlling and pushed him further away.  I felt like I was losing him.   I increased the romance to try and win him over, but this too pushed him away.  I was desperate, and nothing sends a man packing faster than desperation.  My desperation was furthered by him blaming me for our decreased level of intimacy.  We were done.

Lastly:
We lost control.  He wasn't happy and when he told me he didn't know how he felt I lost it.  I pried him open with my pushy words and out poured his hostile emotions each word like a strategically targeted missle that ripped me to shreds.  Rather than being the bigger person when he texted he wanted to be friends I did what all women do.  I got angry.  I forced him to take all his furniture (actually leaving me sans sofa to date).  In the heat of anger, words were said that neither of us can go back on.  He was ice cold.  There was no changing his mind so I accepted his words and moved on.

It was a dead relationship trying to survive on my hope alone.  It was a mess and it brought out the worst in him, and to an extent me.  Break ups are messy and complicated and disasterous.  Which is why I am off to Mexico...to get my groove back.

I can see clearly now

As hard as the end of relationships are they are also incredibly enlightening.  Perhaps one of the reasons that breaks ups are so hard to stomach is that you slowly start to see your ex for who they really are.  My friend Sal recently told me the old saying "Love is blind" and he was 100 percent right.  I am not sure if it is fortunate or not that you soon see all the flaws in your ex love.  I mean on the one hand this means you are moving on and able to see clearly.  But, on the other hand it means that you really were with someone who was not worth your affection or time in the end.  Everyone always says learn from your break ups, so I will share three things I learned.

Thing One:
Romance is not dead, it was just in a coma because I was with the wrong person.  I touched a little bit about this on my last blog.  I attracted the American to me, I was attracting a mediocre love affair that was not fueled by intense passion or romance.  I use to think romance was silly, until I had none in my life for almost two years.  The American was thoughtful, but not romantic.  And, you know what?  I want god damn flowers.  There I said it.  I want roses in the middle of the day because someone was thinking of me.  I want impromptu dinner at my favorite restaurant and a picnic at the beach.  Why?  Because romance is NOT silly.  It is possible if you have it as a standard.  I want romance to be a norm in my future relationship and I know it will happen because I won't fool myself into thinking that a life without romance is fine.  It isn't fine.  It leaves you wanting more.  It leaves you saying things are romantic that are not because you are so thirsty for a taste of romance you see it in places it never existed.

Thing Two:
I am worth it.  Time and time again I somehow get into my head in relationships that I am the lesser of the equation of two.  I am not sure how I get like this.  I think I am always trying to make people happy and in doing so I try and sell myself short, I see myself as all the problems of the failed relationship.  Not anymore.  I am worth it even a few pounds heavier, even with short ginger hair, even with all the small criticisms that Mr. X and The American pointed out over our years together.  If I had a time machine I would transport myself right back to the first time each of them put me down and I would say "F*ck off" and walked right out the door and never looked back and be a lot better off.  Any man who doesn't see you as the amazing, beautiful person you are does not deserve you for one second.  |This is a lesson I had to learn, not once, not twice, BUT three times, but I get it now and I will never let it go.

Thing Three:
Love someone worth your love.  Did you know The American was unemployed for 14 months, and to my knowledge still is?  And, that Mr, X grew a full beard and put on weight so much he began looking like the guy from the Hangover movies?  (Zack Gallihoweryouspellit) The truth is I am not sure I have ever loved someone who is my equal in all senses of the word.  However, I am now determined that my future will only involve gainfully employed, fit, fun, kind hearted, driven men (with a full head of thick hair preferably).  Because, as a hard working career woman who attends regular fitness classes, runs marathons, has a healthy social life and is in general an upbeat outgoing leader in life I deserve to find someone similar to me.  We all do, and I use to think that I could be happy with someone who was my opposite, but the truth is I cannot.  I cannot date an introvert, a hermit, a stoner, and the list goes on, and on, and on, because I need to find some common ground to build respect on.

Breakups are so empowering once your rose colored glasses come off and you can see the world and more importantly yourself more clearly.  It is such a wonderful feeling to feel liberated.  Of course at first you do not feel like your ex has helped you by ripping out your heart, but soon after you realize he was really not the person for you, you will be happy he did.  Thanks for reading.  Until next week. XO

Roller Coaster

Welcome to the roller coaster of emotions that accompany falling out of love.  Denial does funny things to the mind.  It enables hope which in turn creates a rush of emotions that make you think that getting back your lost love would be the best course of action.  You waste your precious time attempting to devise how such a feat would be accomplished.  But, then denial leaves you and takes hope along with it and you are left feeling a bit p#ssed off to be honest.  And, rejected, and hurt, confused, sad with even a pinch of depression in the mix just to kick you when you are down.  The following are my three tips on how to get off this roller coaster mostly unscathed.

Tip One: The Calm Before The Storm
 Recognize your calm and act within it.  Make all important life decisions and have life altering conversations only when you feel somewhat emotionally balanced.  DO NOT decide in a moment of utter loneliness you should be intimate with an ex flame, in fact, best not to be intimate with anyone until head is on straight.  Currently your head is spinning like the poor girl possessed in The Exorcism and who knows what kind of man that energy will attract.  And, I will tell you a little secret I just realized.  The American and I walked calmly into love.  He is a very emotionally distant person who I just always assumed was an introvert.  But, what I realize now is he is actually just an aloof person,   He is exactly what I was two years ago when we started dating.  I attracted someone who was nice but uncertain, just like I use to be.  And, lastly, it is crucial during your emotional lows that you  DO NOT call your Mr. Wrong and tell him all his imperfections so that he can work on them (Oh snap...I have done this and should take my own advice),  You are broken and pain makes us do hurtful things we regret.  Try and experience your emotions, but do not lash out.

Tip Two: Own Your Emotions.
When you are in your comfort zone or with friends cry it out.  Or if you are like me, blog it out.  You will soon realize you are a hot mess the more you express what is in your heart.  Here is a perfect example of what I went through. Woke up thinking I will never talk to The American again, had coffee thought I should actually just text The American once a day expressing a positive thought about our previous relationship, had shower and thought "No, No, I will give him space and then call him a few weeks.." you get the idea.  I was all over the map.  The truth of the matter is there is no road map to guide you out of a break up.  The best thing you can do is hash it out with your self and your close friends until there is nothing left to hash.

Tip Three: Stay Away from Wine
It is so easy to coat our emotions in sweet, sweet numbing alcohol.  However, it is just a trick to prolong denial.  Sadly the only way you will ever feel normal again is if you feel like sh*t for a while.  Sorry, there is no quick cure.  You have to let your mind and heart go through whatever they need to go through to take you where you need to be emotionally and mentally.  I know it sucks, and it is incredibly hard, but there is no other solution.  Alcohol will only mask and delay the healing process. Not to mention make you act like a lunachick, stay away from anything which enhances your emotions when you are weaving so many emotional threads.

My primary emotion was denial.  Maybe it is the optimist in me.  I was always thinking, maybe I could change his mind.  It was so difficult to fully understand how someone can fall out of love with you and why.  Emotions are complicated because they cannot be controlled but gradually sadness fades away to make room for all the future happiness.  Thanks for reading! See you next week XO

Break Up Survival Tips

A few years ago when I first started this blog, I had many women ask me how I did it.  How did I pick up all the broken little shattered pieces of my heart and find happiness.  Sadly, I never felt I had the right answer for them.  By the time they were asking I was almost whole again and I could not remember how I got from A to almost Z.  When the heart heals, apparently so does the mind. Which is probably why so many of us are foolish enough to roll the dice in the game love again.  Somehow as the scars of our past lovers fade so do the memories of the pain they brought.  Fortunately, for all those searching for the answer, I like you am broken hearted.  The American has ripped my heart out and left me to travel down the road (sadly traveled too often) to find myself again.  So as is my way I have read several articles and one self-help book on moving on, amazingly enough, none of them were the magic cure to moving on, but I will share with you the three steps to getting over your Mr. Wrong I have learned from both research and experience.

Step One: Zero Contact

It appears as though every romance scholar has attended the same University and studied the same heart ache etiquette as they agree that space is a must.  Welcome to the hardest and yet most healthy 30 days of your life.  Zero contact.  Unless you and your Mr. Wrong fell amicably out of love and you are best friends than you will need to not have any contact with your Mr. Wrong for 30 long days.  DO NOT spend these days stalking him on social media.  Wincing over any photo he posts where a woman may be within 100 meters fixating on whether or not he likes said woman.  DO NOT follow his likes and seriously begin to think he is dating a woman who he liked a photograph of. (you know who you are.) Calm you inner Lunachick and realize that the only true way to get a grasp on your self is to NOT look at him at all.  DO NOT text him your last thoughts on your relationship (guilty of this).  But, rather write these thoughts down and in a month from now if you really feel like sending said thoughts to him do so.  Zero Contact a.k.a the Dead Zone is so difficult for women, which I blame whole heartedly on the fact that women are so highly vocal.  Women do speak on an average of a 1000 words more a day than their male counterparts.  We are taught from a young age that we can talk things through and to vent to and cry and feel, so not expressing our emotions can feel crippling.  Stay strong.

Step Two: Just keep swimming

Stay active.  Join a gym.  Go out dancing.  Work over time.  Whatever you need to do.  Do it, and do it until you are so exhausted the only thing you want to do when you get home is face plant into bed at a reasonable hour and sleep deep and satisfied.  Idle hands will make you do the things that pain you, such as miss your Mr. Wrong and think about him relentlessly.  Do not cave into the tricks of boredom.  Find what you love and do the hell out of it.  Fortunately if you are like me you have been dumped in the peak of summer and staying busy is easy.  You know when I find moments of relief and happiness?  When I am hard at work, when I am lost in a good conversation and of course when I am sleeping.  DO NOT give in to sleep.  When one is down and out sleep seems to be such an amazing option.  And, why should you put on pants and join the living anyways?  Because it is healthy.  The only thing that will heal your fresh wounds is time.  Don’t rub salt on them by sulking away the day doing nothing but pining for you Mr. Wrong.  You and I are better than that.  So, let’s get out there!

Day Three: Take a Vacation

It doesn’t have to be a crazy vacation.  I am going away with my mom to Mexico for seven days (seven days which I originally took off to vacation with The American), seven glorious days to take back all the confidence and self-esteem a break up strip you off.  To ease your mind of all the million questions, such as what is wrong with you?  Do you need to lose some weight?  Get hair extensions? etc.  All the little insecurities what were shinning through the glued cracks of when you put yourself together the first time so many years ago that are now shinning through your persona blinding you from your self worth.  Get away and remember you are amazing.   Okay, if you are thinking I cannot take a vacation, then do a small weekend getaway, or even just a spa day.  Some how treat your self to something that is both indulging and amazing.  Make yourself feel like a million bucks rolled in another million bucks.  Why?  Because you are worth it.  And so am I.  This indulgence will remind you what life is about, you.  And, what life is full of, possibilities.  You are about to do a whole lot of living for you and this vacation or treat will remind you what that feels like.  Often in relationships we get bogged down and we become so involved in our partner we forget how nice it can be to just think of ourselves for a moment.  Enjoy the moments you have now and do something special for you!

We live in a society where bearing your true emotions is something that is often ridiculed and judged, but I say there is no harm in being honest. Truth be told I was going to propose to The American.  I picked out a ring and planned the day.  I was happy and in love with someone who was not either of those things with me.  There is no use in sugar coating reality.  I am not The Americans cup of tea. Not all relationships end the way we think they will.  This break up has taught me a lot which I hope to share with you if you keep reading.  Until next week. XO thanks for reading.  

I Survived

This week is a deeper reflection on a topic I have been thinking about a long time.  I survived two years of domestic violence with Mr.AA.  The following are three reasons I am where I am today, healthy and happy.  I am a survivor.

1) I got out.  I moved back to small town nowhere and helped my family deal with my dad becoming increasingly disabled.  Fortunately Mr. AA stayed in the flatlands and we broke up and never got back together.  I stayed with my parents and he stayed wherever he stayed I am not sure.  While I would give anything to have a better story of escaping my abusive cycle I don't.  However, I am alive.  Mr.AA threatened to kill me, one night he told me he would throw me into moving traffic right before twisting my wrist into a sprain and kicking my taillights in on my car because I caught him fooling around on me at the pub.  The only answer to survival is getting out, and staying out.  This is also the hardest step.

2) Support network.  I am incredibly grateful for my family.  They were there for me, cooking, caring, keeping me busy as I came back to life.  I came back to life.  I felt worth love slowly, I began to laugh and to feel joy.  I felt like I awoke from a depressing nightmare.  While in my abusive relationship I would have sworn I needed Mr.AA to feel good.  I felt totally addicted to him, because he broke me to a new low, from this low the small high I would get from the good times had my head a mess.   But, my circle of amazing friends and my family saved my life.

3) No Self Blame.  This is still something I sometimes struggle with.  It is not my fault that Mr.AA was abusive.  The moment you truly accept that it is not your fault you will be free.  Your abuser will break you to believe that you cause their actions.  This is a frightening mind game that comes from a vicious cycle of mental, emotional and physical abuse. You are not to blame for your abuse. Ever.  You need to hear this and know that no matter what you do in your relationship your partner never has the right to abuse you.  You deserve healthy interactions that empower you.  You are not to blame.

Forgive all the guilt, anger, pity and other negative feelings you have over your past relationships.  Surround yourself by uplifting support network.  I am a survivor of abuse and I am stronger than I have ever been.  I am not to blame, I am surrounded by love and most important I am alive, all because I got out. Thank you for your support by reading.

Public Transit Etiquette

Taking a quick break from relationship advice to give some commuting advice.  After watching a poor, very pregnant woman cling for dear life for almost half an hour today I have five tips for all commuters everywhere.

1) Seats (in particular in the front) are for those in need.  If you are an able body young person you should not be sitting texting your friends as an elderly man with a walker struggles.  Wake up people!!!! Look at each stop and decide if your seat is needed, if it is offer it.

2) STOP TALKING SO LOUD. With all the cellular technology in this world there is no need for you to yell your conversation while sardined on the bus.  No one cares they just want to get home.  Get off your phone and ride the bus for ten minutes, then call your friend and talk about all the amazing things that I have overheard such as how drunk you were last night, who is having a party and whose girlfriend fought with who...omg! Grow up.

3) Walk quickly on the left of the escalator.   This is the deal.  The left side of the escalator is for walking.  The right side is for standing.   The end.

4) TAKE OFF YOUR BACKPACK.  I see that the signs and pictures illustrating this are not enough so I will explain.  Your backpack takes up space AND hits seated people in the face, take off your backpack and store it at your feet.  This is common sense really, I mean your backpack is a large hump on your back.

5)Move over.  To every person who has ever sat in the outside seat of the two seated isle and then put your lap sized bag on the other seat so you take up two seats, thank you for nothing.  Move over.  Make room, in particular in rush hour.  And, if someone asks you to move over and you are rude about it or worse, you say no, you are not a transit worthy person, you sir (and more often ma'am) should buy a scooter, car, whatever where you can put all your many bags and not be a nuisance to others just trying to get home.

The truth is most of these are practical courtesy.   These tips are being conscious of those around you, those in need,those commuting, let's all take a moment and try respect one another.
Thanks for reading! XOXO

Confidence is Key

 “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story
 

So I have had a lot of time dating and researching the topic to decide that confidence is the key to both racking up your dance card with singles who want to take you dancing, and for a healthy relationship.  The truth is that while all people come in all shapes and sizes, with a multitude of preferences, at the end of the day confidence will get you remembered, confidence will land you the job, confidence will separate you from the other competitors, confidence is the personality trait you should feed.  The following are three reasons why confidence is such a sexy little aphrodisiac.

 

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”
― Bernard M. Baruch

 

1) You are not needy.  A sad down hill struggle forms when we lose our confidence.  We look for it in others.  We become a not-so-hot-mess of co-dependence who requires constant validation.  SNAP OUT OF IT WOMAN! The truth is you do not NEED anyone to be happy, fabulous, fantastic you.  When you are confident you do not need vaildation because you know your own worth.  You know your time is valuable.  You know that when you call someone, and they don't answer you have way better things to do than turn into a needy person and call and text twenty more times.  Why? Because you value yourself, your time, your effort.  AND! The most important thing is that you pity any fool who doesn't recognize how awesome you are.  Don't waste your time searching for your confidence in the validation of others, you will never find it there (trust me I have tried).  Find your confidence in you and rock it!

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life 

2) You are 100 % you.  Confident people do not conform.  Confident people are not affraid to say no thank you or YES PLEASE! Confident people find their passions in life and do not bat an eye when someone tries to rain on thier parade.  Confident people face the storm and enjoy life.  Confident people are a lucky bunch! They have the capability to realize that only insecure people bring others down and therefore they are not affraid to try hilarious new things such as attempting prancercising, or dance walking just for fun, confident people MOST importantly do not suffer with ill gotten company.  Over the years I have realized that there are many kinds of people in this world, some people will tear you down in a heart beat, while others will bring you up instantly.  Surround yourself with gold.  I see so many people trudging through life in relationships with men that treat them like sh*t because they are not confident enough to stand up and say "NOT TODAY.  Today I want more for myself."  Grab life by the horns and ride that bull, we are not getting any younger.

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

3) Confident people face their consequences.  You know what is SO retroactive?  Passing the buck.  UGH!! There is nothing that is more stagnant and that I despise more than when someone tries to pawn off their actions on someone else.   Confident people say "Opps, I f*cked up, I am very sorry, here is how to fix it" THE END.  I have talked this little scenario to death but here goes one last time.  You absolutely cannot have a productive healthy realationship when you play the blame game.  Classic example: You did (insert sh*t thing here) so I did (sh*t thing here) to show you...." NO, no, no-no, NO.  This is tragic.  This is never ending cycle of "getting even" and hurting one another until the cows come home because neither of you is confident enough to say "You know what, I hear you, I made a mistake."  You will never ever succeed in life if you are a buck passer.  Your coworkers will hate you, your lover will see you as a burden and a source of stress, your family will wish you would just grow the f*ck up.  My best advice to you is grow a pair.  Realize in life we make mistakes, we sometimes have less than admirable intentions, we all f*ck up, own it, move on and feel better about yourself already.

 “Accept who you are; and revel in it.”
― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie

 

CONFIDENCE is most liberating and freeing feeling you can adapt.  It comes from with in but is fostered through success, love, friends, and so much more.  Find as many outlets that make you feel fantastic and stay true to those.  Cut the fat of your clogged depressed arteries and find the things and people in your life that help your heart skip a beat.  The longer you stay wallowing with confidence issues the longer you are actually manifesting negative outcomes on your life that in all accounts should be incredible.  Thanks for reading! XOXO