He Started It! Why we play mind games.

Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.
Arnold Schwarzenegger 
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So a while back I wanted to blog about this because it seems to be a reoccurring theme in conversation, in my past relationships and with my friends.  With Mr. BIGmistake (you may remember Mr. Tattoo got renamed this well deserved title) I had told him about feeling a bit off about what to expect with him because some days he seemed over the moon and other days he seemed as though he did not even want to share the same planet as me.  (Hot and cold is not the most endearing way to treat anyone by the way.)  When asked about his behaviour his response was he was acting this way in order to "keep me on my toes."  Let me tell you if I wanted to be on my toes I would have become a ballerina.  Games.  Why is it that all relationships come with their own versions of them?  Here is my theory.  At first we are learning about our lovers, we are not sure what makes them tick and perhaps more importantly what makes them upset.  There comes a moment where we find this secret little switch.  For most women it is to be ignored (this is actually a whole blog topic in itself).  Ms. K often tells me that her man ignores her, and then later admits to intentionally ignoring her (if that is not a game, than I don't know what is) and it makes her extremely upset, as it would anyone.  So, one of the two in your relationship stumbles upon (typically by mistake the first time) what truly upsets the other.  Some kind of emotional reaction ensues.  For me I straight up own it.  I directly say what my lover does, said or whatever the case occurred in order to make me feel this way and I let them know it is not appreciated.  At 31 years old I am not one for games.  In fact, when games occur I am confused and directly confront the perpetrator of said games.  Games are nothing but a power struggle and become toxic as fast as they begin.  Carrying on from the above mentioned reaction ensuing, typically if one of you is not mature enough to say “Hey, let’s not play games and just enjoy each other” than this occurs, out of anger, pain, sadness, etc. all the emotions you should NOT make decisions out of you decide “Oh ya?! They think they can treat me this way, well just wait for me to do…” and so begins a viscous circle of ill intended actions to one up on another.  Let me explain why this is ridiculous!

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
Vince Lombardi 
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1)      Your relationship is not a competition.  So your lover hurt your feelings.  That sucks.  Yes it hurts and yes you should absolutely talk about it.  But, there is a chance that they did not intentionally hurt you, and if their transgression is made purely out of a misunderstanding than give them a chance.  We all make mistakes don't we? However, if they did upset you intentionally than you really need to ask yourself why you are with someone who would want to intentionally harm you? If you are with someone who you feel is intentionally hurting you and then you decide to one up them then you need to ask yourself why?  Why are you wanting to intentionally hurt someone else?  It is not a game of one uping one another until the grand finale of what I assume is a very dramatic break up.  That is not a relationship.  That is a toxic, stress filled, union between two people who are actually very wrong for one another.  This cycle is impossible to understand.  I am guessing that this kind of showmanship is based on the fact the person who one ups, and by one up I means hurts the other person the most, wins.  If you are a person who wants to destroy someone and make them hurt worse than you ever have, than you do not love that person.  In fact, if you are this person I would strongly suggest you get counselling and figure out why you want to continuously do mean, hurtful things to someone you claim to care for.  When you truly love someone you do not try and hurt them intentionally, you actually do the opposite of that and try and protect them from pain. 

By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.
Lao Tzu 
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2)      Two wrongs make a right! Ya right! So your boyfriend went out all night and ignored you for two days.  Yes, this is not very considerate.  (And, yes he is a very craptacular boyfriend) However, this is not grounds for you to turn off your phone and go out and do body shots with any man in your sight.  No.  You feel like your actions are justified because your partner hurt you first.  I am just going to be straight up honest with you, they are not!  The way your react to someone doing something you don’t like is entirely your own doing.  I have blogged about this before OWN YOUR OWN ACTIONS, they are yours after all.  The way you act when you are hurt is completely your own choice, no one else can be blamed for what you do.  No one can make you act a certain way I am afraid, and blaming someone else for your shit behavior is preposterous! What are we children?  You made an ill intentioned plan to hurt someone and that was your own quest.  If you have a problem with your partner and what went down between them than hash it out! Don’t run around saying “But he started it!” like your relationship is some kinds of infantile recess game.  You are both adults.  If you feel like you need to hurt someone to prove their actions hurt than you are seriously mistaken.  You can actually have a conversation, we are adults aren't we?  You have no idea how many times Mr. X AND Mr. AA use to say "Oh I treat you this way (a.k.a hurt me intentionally) do you get it." If this is your mentality than you are an idiot.  If he knows certain actions hurt you and still does them anyways than the chances that he actually cares about you at all are low.  And, once again you should really ask yourself why you want to be with someone who actually does mean actions in the hopes of hurting you?  Love is not seeing what hurts someone and doing it back at them because you think they deserve to be hurt, love is realizing that you hurt someone and saying you are sorry because you should only want them to be happy.  Furthermore it is far easier to live with ones self when your actions are not ill intended, when you do what is right, facing yourself in the mirror and liking what you see is more probable. 

When you are winning a war almost everything that happens can be claimed to be right and wise.
Winston Churchill 
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3)      This third point is a mix of two points I think.  The first being power! Sweet delicious control and power.  If you are able to keep your lover down than you are in control.  You are the one who has all the cards and you always win.  Well, congratulations! You win at making someone who loves you feel awful on a regular basis.  You are in control of someone who loves you so much they stay with you even though you constantly bring them down and then kick them when their down.  What a dreadful way to live, love and be.  “Love is not possession, Love is appreciation”(Osho).  But, if you are this type of person you will probably never understand this concept.  Which leads me to the second part of this point.  POWER! The most addictive feeling I would have to say.  The rush you have of knowing you have it can be intoxicating to some.  Personally to me now when I have it, it feels like a hot potato! I can not wait to hand it back! So here we go: toss, toss, toss power back and forth because when neither of you are power hungry you do not really want the damn power potato.  But there are some who grab that power potato, devour it and demand more and these people are the kinds of people who LOVE GAMES! Games allow them not only to gain their power but also to flex it every time and time again.   When I was with Mr. AA he use to do this too me all the time, he would do dreadful things to me and then claim he did them just to make sure I still cared, or whatever his excuse would be.  It was the most stressful time of my life.  Constantly feeling on edge and not knowing what the hell is going on with your lover is I am pretty sure the definition of anxiety and the recipe for complete emotional melt down.  But you get so hooked on their games because their games also involve a rush of intense emotions.  For every little day of ignoring, or harsh words, or whatever there is a moment of complete infatuation, apologies and passion and when that part of the game hits you are so low and exhausted from the harsh part that you cling to the feeling of appreciation for dear life...until it's game time! And once again you are in an unhealthy cycle of he loves me, he loves me not until the only person who you don't love is yourself because you have lost yourself in this abusive nonsense you think is love. 

So I often feel a complete loss of control when I am starting to fall for someone, because falling in love is losing control.  Also, falling into a relationship is losing control.  You give up a little of yourself in the interest of being with someone and this can be a very frightening realization! In particular when you discover the first little game, or power hiccup in your union.  So, you can decide at this point the kind of person you want to be in your relationship.  Are you going to fuel games and become an ill intentioned partner?  Or are you going to directly face what is bothering you and try and make things healthy?  How you feed into the beginning of your relationship will mold the rest of your relationship trust me.  If you decide that you are going to be spiteful and lash out, or perhaps you are going to go over the top and become a very dramatic lunachick either reaction is feeding the cycle of childish games that are both irritating and useless.  OR! You can straight up say what you are clearly thinking and how that makes you feel and put an end to games.  Here is the thing, I would much rather my partner tell me “Hey, when you said this blah, blah, blah…” rather than him think my actions were directed at some hidden motive to control him and react by doing the disappearing act to “teach me a lesson.” The only lesson I am learning from that reaction is 1) you are immature, 2) you are trying to make me feel bad and 3) this will never work.   Games are frustrating, they make everyone involved unhappy, they are the gateway to toxicity and they are just childish so to everyone out their playing them I say “No thanks!”

Sorry if you were tuning in this week to read about Mr. TooGood and Mr. SexyDistraction, I promise an update soon! XO