Polygamy:Why Not?

"Double your pleasure, double your fun.  It's better to have more women than one."

-My Dad

Basically if you do not have a good sense of humor do not read another word.  Oh hey, if you are still reading than I assume that you like to laugh, enjoy!

It is right around the moment when you realize that you need to tell Mr. TooGood about Mr. SexyDistraction that you will leave your phone at Mr. TooGood's place and he will see the flirtatious messages between you and said other men.  Cat out of the bag.  Some of you may be reading this thinking that is a violation of trust that he just looked at them, perhaps it is.  But, at the same time I would like to be completely honest with all the men in my life and let them chose to be in their situation.  So, let's just say we were both not exactly in the right and move on.  Now, all my cards are on the table, the fascinating part about this revelation is that they both told me to do what makes me happy while throwing around words like respect.  This made my situation even more difficult to deal with because they both handled the matter so well.  Neither got angry, neither yelled, both agreed that I was not in the wrong as it has only been a few weeks of pondering my two options (reminder one option is 1600 kms away after all).  So it really got me to thinking about our societal norms and polygamy to be honest.  Then I started to think about something the former Ms. J told me about why she dates multiple men all at once she said "I need more than one guy can give me so I find what I need in numerous men." Fascinating. See I personally do not see anything wrong with getting to know two, three perhaps even four men at the same time.  (Okay I think four would be over whelming to tell the whole truth).  So in my defense the following are three reasons why men should agree that sharing is not so bad:

Definition of POLYANDRY

: the state or practice of having more than one husband or male mate at one time.

-Webster Dictionary

1) The pressure is OFF! So your girlfriend wants you to go an art gallery opening right in play off season, what a bummer.  Or you have her sister's birthday dinner thing right when the boys annual fishing trip, totally whack.  Or perhaps she wants to stay in and cuddle up with a good movie when your favorite band is finally playing in town.  Well! enter the other man. Lucky for you this man does not like sports, he loves art, he does not fish and you two do not have the same taste in music so he is eager to take your place to dreary events that, let's face it, you would much rather skip.  But, of course you endure, not so much out of affection for your woman but more so out of fear of the trivial fights that you assume will happen if you do your own thing, sigh.   Good thing this other man is actually nothing like you (which is why he is so intriguing to her) and he gladly will pick up your slack and on the flip side you are doing the same for him.  See she has you and you are amazing, but there are times when you would like a break from your role and so the other man is pretty much doing you a favor.  If not for him then you feel pressure to put aside your aspirations and cater to her, with said other man in the picture this is not the case!  You are welcome! The pressure is officially off of you to be juggling all your life demands and hers, because let's face it she can be pretty demanding, can't she?  It is basically like having a clone (that is actually nothing like you) that can do the things that you REALLY do not want to ever do and therefore you're happy, she's happy, he is probably happy as well so really it is a win.

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.

-Mae West 

2) Sexual healing.  Can't keep up to your thirty something year old girlfriends libido? Thought so.  She tells you she feels unsatisfied but also estranged from you because her sex drive is racing at the speed of light and yours is flickering like an old flash light the older you get.  Damn you wish you could jump start the old boy  with your 18 year old lust cables, aren't their pills for this?  Enter the other man.  Now this is clearly the biggest problem in the "sharing is caring" formula.  You don't want to think of your woman being touched by some other dude.  But, here is the thing.  Do you love her?  Do you really want all the amazing things that are her?  Because you are going to lose her if she is not sexually satisfied I guarantee.  You have no idea how many women (pretty much ALL of them) that I have discussed this topic with.  We live in a society where men are seen as the sexual instigators but the older women get they become more demanding.  Let me tell you in my previous three relationships I have had the drawn out argument over sex, and it has been ME not him who wants it, wants more of it, wants it to be more extreme, and it is HIM that is emotional, frustrated and not putting out. I am not alone by the way Ms. K, Ms. M, the former Ms. J and so many others have expressed this exact frustrating scenario with their (oddly enough ) ex lovers.  And, I can tell you the more she wants you and the more you reject her, the more she will find satisfaction some place else, either alone or with someone else.  And, who wants to become that couple who don't even try anymore because what is the point?  So, wouldn't it be so much easier on you, on your fading libido, on your stress to perform, on your relationship if you just realized that one aging lover is never going to be enough?  Yes, and the thing is if she still wants you regardless of the lack of fulfillment she truly cares for you I promise so let her have her sexual freedom and as long as you don't waste your time thinking about this element and focus on the positive you will all be better off. (This is of course 100 percent theory as all of the men I know would NEVER be into this kind of sharing, a girl can dream can't she?).

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

Scott Adams 

3) You look so good bra! That's is right pat yourself on the back.  You sir in allowing your lovely lady the ability to explore her dating options look more and more intriguing.  You must have confidence to spare if you agree to this kind of arrangement.  Damn that is sexy! You also must be VERY SPECIAL! You must know that you have something very important to contribute to your lady and thus other men may come and go but, you sir, you are the real deal that remains the constant.  And, look at how stoic you are.  You are embodying the "If you love something set it free" principle to a T.  Thus your love is true and your intentions are pure and in her best interests.  Allowing her to explore her options and being happy to be one before settling down.  Your life can change at any moment and at the end of it would you like to think "I met an amazing woman and got to have a chance with her" or would you rather be thinking "I met an amazing woman and tried to possess her so she ditched me." Life is what you make it, you cannot own the person you love, you can only give her the choice to be with you and hope at the end of the day you are her man.

There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend.

Jack Nicholson 

Of course this kind of mentality can only be applied to the first few months of dating.  Eventually you do know all your suitors well enough to make an informed decision and unfortunately it can not be to be with all of them, sad truth.  However, timing is everything, some nights you meet three intriguing men at a night club that all turn out to be total duds (sound familiar?) and other times you meet one really solid guy in a forest.  There is no way to foretell the future or which option is going to best for both of you.  Recently Ms. K has been dealing with this dilemma a man has been in hot pursuit of her and she has had a man (who treats her quite shabby) for a long while now.  Here is what we discussed, it is not that this man will become her new man, nor that they will have some romantic tryst or perhaps an amazing friendship it is the "WHAT IF?" question that will linger forever in her mind if she does not find out. And the what if scenario is not a positive phenomena for either person in your relationship.  You are distant and thinking what if, he picks up on your distance, it causes all sorts of problems.  And, you need to ask yourself if you are feeling the what if, is it fair to keep your love on the back burner not wise to what you are doing? Honesty is the only condition of multiple men, if you are hiding or covering up your actions because you know your partner would not be with you if you were honest than you are being deceitful.  IT IS OKAY TO BE UNSURE of what you want, we are all human. Of course we live in a society that totally frowns upon all the words in this blog, partially because a sassy woman is saying them (men are manly men that are encouraged to have multiple women in so many cultures) and partly because monogamy is the norm.  And, of course this blog is written in half hearted sarcasm but it was fun to think about.   Embrace your uncertainty, explore your curiosity and always, always, move forward with grace.  Thanks for reading! XO