HELP! I need somebody.

“In my story you're the villain. But in my heart, you're still the reigning King.” 
― Coco J. Ginger

So, WOW! A lot of break ups happening lately! Fortunately not for myself (fingers crossed!!) but it is just when you start to think of all the couples you could be doing coupley things with that those couples will move to Splitzville. In fact last year alone saw the end of Ms. M and Ms. A's extremely long term relationships! It is not so much that you are saddened by the fact that you don't have two more to add to your dates out, not at all, you do after all love the company of your mate.  However, your heart feels heavy for your friend's loss.  Welcome to the awkward post break up period of your friendships.  It is sort of like walking on egg shells, because, while you want to be the supportive friend by telling them how much better off they are, you cannot be the friend who trash talks their ex as at some moments they will be hyper sensitive to your criticism of the man that they still love, but at other times he is the bastard son of Satan, while at other times things are amicable, while at other times...oh yes....it is time to cry over a movie title on Netflix because that was the first movie they saw as a couple.....HELP.  We all need a little help from our friends during these times so the following are three tips on how to survive your friend's break up...while also helping them move on.

“I am torn open, unabridged, hot and a bit crazy inside. This is the feeling which belongs to me, she has always been mine.” 
― Coco J. Ginger

1) FOLLOW THEIR LEAD.  They are on their own emotional roller coaster and we have all been there.  One minute they will be calling you to vent about what an insensitive jerk their Mr. X is and how they are way better off...however the next second they could snap at you for agreeing and tell you that he really is not that bad and how much they miss him.  All you can do (in this approximately one week to six month mourning period) is HOLD ON.  Just remember what it is like to be on that roller coaster.  All breakups take their course and their toll on us differently.  They are ALL difficult and they all teach us something. Some end abruptly with a wave of pain (sort of like ripping off a band aid) while others end slowing and irritatingly...(sort of like slowly pulling a band aid out of your arm hair) Either way you must be supportive of your friends.  Follow their emotional lead and you should be fine.   Make sure to hear what page they are on in their break up manual and always try and be positive about what a great catch they are...even if they are looking at you with doe eyes stained red from crying whilst mascara is streamed all over their flushed face and their mouth is covered with chocolate cake. Now, I am sort of at a loss for those of us who are in turmoil with our friends who constantly are breaking up with their shitty partners.  It is emotionally draining to tell your dear friend how much better off she is all the while wondering if she may just be a glutton for punishment.  I am literally at a fork in the road myself here.  Is it best for one to continue on being the supportive, listening friend (even when the tale is always the same with the same outcome of unhappily ever after)? or is it now best to tell said friends that they are making their beds and they really have to lie in them and find a way to be happy because you are tired of clocking hours on the phone for no point (by no point I mean your words fall on deaf ears and they never change a damn thing)?   At this exact current moment I do not have the answer....perhaps this will be a later blog topic (when to stop feeding the dramatic cycle) BUT! for purposes of this blog I am talking about POST break up, the break up is over, done, fin, ended, no more sagas.  If your friend is full on single and is wallowing in her emotions, then follow her lead.  BUT IF she is tied up in some break up-make up cycle then I just don't know what advice to give...yet.


“He loved me. He loved me, but he doesn't love me anymore, and it's not the end of the world.” 
― Jennifer Weiner, Good in Bed

2) BE POSITIVE! At this point in time your friend is most likely Negative Nancy.  All one can do is reaffirm to her that she is super awesome! And this is going to be a challenge.  But, you know what I remember most distinctly from my break ups?  That my friends think the world of me.  That my friends every day told me how incredible I am and still do.  That they reached out and said "Hey! You are great!"  These are words we need to hear when we are broken.  Breakups tear you down, they toss you up inside, they teach you your faults, they make you look in the mirror and they make you hurt.  Break ups are life affirming lessons that are the hardest to endure but you know what softens their blow?  Compliments! Positive beautiful words from people that mean them and that matter! I can not even remember if my friends agreed that my exes were real bastards when I felt that way or not, but what I do remember were the kind and unique words they spoke to me about my life and that they truly thought I was beautiful and amazing.  And, of course at first you think that they are just trying to cheer you up but then gradually you realize they think these things of you all the time! Why?  Because they are true! You start to realize that your life is very much the great moment they praise it to be and that you will never be alone or rejected by the people in your life that think the world of you! And, what about that! The more positive feed back and help you give your friend the better off she will be and you know what?  The more kind words you say the better you will feel just in general!


“She had missed him so long now, that the feeling had become a part of her. As each day passed, the missing distanced itself from her heart. One day she woke, and realized the missing was there but the pain was gone. Missing without pain is tolerable. Pain linked to heartache is intolerable.”
― Coco J. Ginger

3) JUST KEEP LISTENING.  Now only if her relationship is completely over do this, as I am still not sure if listening to someone in a break up-makeup cycle is inabling or not...as discussed above. BUT! If your friend is truly heart broken from a full on break up than she needs to vent..and vent....and vent. Guess what?  all this venting is therapy.  Every word you listen to and she gets out gets her one more step to getting over Mr. Wrong.  All one can do is listen to her vent as much as she needs to.  She is venting for several reasons: 1) Therapy as mentioned.  Getting it all out, expressing frustration, pain, hurt, anger.  The thing is she could of been suffocated for years in her past fling with no method of expressing her feelings so she is in a state of self actualization and life change.  She is about to realize true happiness, self expression, sexual freedom, she is about to become a pheonix of change and she is going to want to express all the negative and positive feelings she has about these things.  And, 2) She has just lost the one person she vented to on the regular, even if she was censored in her interactions with her Mr. X that does not mean she did not have someone to talk with everyday.  Now, that is gone.  This can be an incredibly lonely sensation so she will be texting and calling you letting you know about this.  The BEST thing you can do is listen and let her know she is not alone. Once again think about how you felt when you lost your Mr. X and you realized you no longer had anyone who texted you everyday to ask about your day.  It is essential that during this revelation we keep in touch with our post break up friends.

The best thing about break ups is that they are lessons.  Man, are they ever.  The person you become after them is you becoming more and more defined by life.  Breakups are part of life and so are relationships.  And, like I said before just because you broke up does not you did not succeed! Not all tries are going to end in a happily ever after.  In fact I would argue the less success you have the more you learn until you are ready to be alone or with someone.  You must, must be in love with being single before you can be in love being with any one.  It is all a learning curve and it is all part of making you who you need to be.  So, help your friend through her rough spots because she is learning just as much as we all are and we all need a help from our friends!