Sex Let's Talk about it

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” 
― Oscar Wilde

Alright, so I know this title sounds sexy! But, what really got me fuming lately was an article I read on some ridiculously chauvinistic web site that literally made my blood boil but also made me laugh at all the ignorant (no doubt SINGLE FOR LIFE) people in agreement that sex is some kind of duty we all should preform regardless of being in the mood.  SO! I am here to lay out some damn principles that I have come to learn both on my own and through conversing with my friends about how to keep sex in your relationship WITHOUT pressure, guilt trips, threats, and all the other absurd tools we have learned as a society to force our will on others. Wouldn't it be so nice to live in a healthy sex life with your partner free of ridicule and all this B.S I watch on TV, the web, and mass media.  Enough is enough.  So the following are three actions I guarantee will improve the quality of your sexual relations and in return make you a better lover.

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” 
― Tom Robbins

1) Honesty (I know, I know this is my main point for everything) maybe I should say acceptance.  Acceptance of what your partner says they would like to have in the bedroom. Now, if you are with someone and they are into something you are really not into than you have to figure out how or if it will work on your own.  But, the following is my fear (and a reality for too many) in situations where sexuality is not compatible.  The first being, you reach a compromise, perhaps your partner really likes something and you don't but you love them and they do things that they don't like for you so you do it anyways.  This makes me SO UNCOMFORTABLE on so many levels for too many reasons to get into here.  The main point is that both people in your equation should be comfortable with your sexual acts.  One should not be sacrificing their desires to appease the other.  In an ideal union you will have the same desires.  The second problem I worry about in the "they want it but I don't" scenario is that you flat out say no without any understanding.  Truth be told their can be a marvelous middle ground met between your desires that would bring you both to new heights that you are both comfortable with.  BUT! you will never know this pleasure and happiness unless you open your mouth and tell your partner what turns you on and what you are simply not interested in doing.   Flat out rejecting someone's fantasy will make them feel demolished (it takes guts to put your fetishes out there to be judged) in particular when these fantasies are said looking for acceptance in someone else.  So, while I say never sacrifice your sexual comfort zones! I do say talk it out until you know where you are both comfortable.  I honestly think not enough people in this world are HONEST about sex and what they want, how they want it, when they want, etc.  Please be open, be honest, and don't allow miscommunications ruin your chances of sexual happiness. 

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.” 
― Mae West

2) BE REALISTIC.  Here we go.  Unless you are a porn star your life is NOT a porn movie.  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.  However, you are most lucky if you are finding yourself in a steady relationship with a woman that you are both attracted to and enjoy her company that will be intimate with you on a regular basis.  Congratulations! You actually have the ability to have sex, not just any old sex either, meaningful sex with someone you like when you are sober.  Now, take this person as they are.  They are not some object who enjoys being degraded, they are not some film star that you think you can do what you saw on the internet with.  No.  Realize that you are in reality where you are dating a real woman who deserves respect.  Newsflash: If you were actually dating a porn star you would have to be alright with her having gang bangs and a whole slue of other things that...I am guess you probably do not want.  So, be real.  Your lover is not an object, she is a person (F.Y.I porn stars are real people too who probably don't want what you see on screen in reality either).  Women deserve to be treated like we are worth the sun and moon.  Do not try and treat her like she is anything less or you do not deserve her.  Now, if you two are both into kink and you have discussed your limits than of course there are different standards for you BUT there is ALWAYS the standard of respecting the limits your partner has told you about.  Another newsflash if someone is not into anal and actually are stupid enough to think you can "slip it in" stealthy, you are first and most importantly an idiot, and secondly, violating trust and boundaries...don't do it man. (You may be laughing but you have NO IDEA how many women have told me this).  The person you are with has expressed their limits than you need to respect that they are a consenting adult and know what they want.  Treat them as such and never pressure or bad talk someone into preforming sexually for your pleasure, this is one sided and not what sex is about. Oh ya and DON'T be pushy!!!! If you are pushy you will never know if someone is happy or just giving in because they don't want to be pushed around and that is just wrong. There is such a sense of entitlement that is disgusting, in the above mentioned chauvinistic article in the intro.

“We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

3) It takes two.  I am not sure why some men feel sex is all about them and has nothing to do with their partner's pleasure but it is completely absurd.  Basically selfish lovers are not good in bed according to every person who ever had the misfortune of meeting one.  So in order to not be a selfish lover listen to the person you are intimate with! I mean listen to everything, their breathing, AND their body.  Here is the thing getting off comes in all shapes and sizes, from screaming out, to heavy breathing to even sometimes holding one's breath.  There is no one sure fire way that sex will be. If you want to have more sex than get in tune with your partner and make sure you are both having as much fun as one another.  If you are in a passionless union sex becomes a chore.  A chore that you do because you might possibly get off or because you feel obligated after so many years together or whatever.  This means that sex will never be as good because the passion is gone.  Don't lose the passion by making sure that you pleasure one another EQUALLY.  There is no excuse for sex to be one sided.  There is no reason not to enjoy sex period.  Sex should be sexy and make everyone involved feel that way. Sex should be passionate, and sex should be amazing.  If you are setting for anything less than it is no wonder you are having to use maneuvers to coerce sex from your partner.  Be a good lover and your lover will want to see you naked. 

“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.”
― Hunter S. Thompson

There you have it.  I am so tired of hearing reasons for having sex.  You know the only reason to have sex?  Is because you want to have sex period.  There are so many ridiculous excuses and guilt trips and impropriety I hear all the time that make me so angry.  Sex is not a chore.  Sex should never be expected.  Sex is not yours to take.  Sex is a mutual decision between two people because they want to.  Listen to one another, and I mean actually hear what you want in the bedroom.  Be an amazing lover by using respect and intimacy.  The truth is if someone needs an excuse to sleep with you than you are very far from amazing.  There is only one true reason to get intimate and that is because you are both turned on and ready to go! Anything else is just bad sex.  Today I finally get to visit Ms. M! Can't wait to hear here new adventures in romance and be blog inspired. Until next week thanks for reading! XO

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All images are from Google Pictures.