The L Word

“It should be a privilege to be able to say "I love you" to someone. It shouldn't be something people say just because they feel like it. A privilege that is earned. They say you have to earn the right to be loved; no, love is unconditional, if you love someone, they don't have to earn it. But. The right to tell someone that you love them? That has to be earned. You have to earn the right to be believed.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

It is a tricky situation saying the L word first.  That is right "I LOVE you"  and when do you say it.  Recently I slipped it out on auto pilot to The American.  Now, it is important to note my girls and I say it all the time, and family.  It becomes a second nature when you are saying good bye.  Which is of course not how I want the first time I tell someone this to be.  Here was what happened:  He was leaving the house and I was standing in the kitchen, on auto pilot I said "Love you" as he was leaving.  The thing is of course I am falling for The American but when I have fully fallen I want to say these three little words in the right moment.   And, that moment was not it.  He of course back away from the door and asked what I had just said to which I explained the above position.  BUT! It really got me to thinking about the value and the meaning of the L word and how it does so often slip out thoughtlessly into our conversations.  It further made me realize when I say it I want it to have meaning every time to the person I mean it to.  I do not want to be one of those couples who say it all the time just because they do.  No.  I want to say it in those moments when you literally feel over whelmed by it.  You know the moments when you fall deeper and deeper into it and you really mean it.  Of course you always love your loved ones.  But, there are so many moments when we say we love something aren't there?  We love chocolate, movies, actors, songs, clothes....etc....the list goes on and on and on, so I took this week to really research the psychology of the word L-O-V-E and here is what I discovered:

“If people are going to be allowed to say "we love you" and "I love you", they'd better have the backbone to prove it. Love isn't just a word.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

1) Say it when you actually mean it.  I mean really are thinking it and mean it.  Don't just say it like "Oh I LOVE the new song by blah, blah or so and so's new book.  NO.  Own "I love you." Own it like it is a rare gem that you only share with the person it is meant for when you can.  When I see people mumble it while kissing good bye at the bus stop whilst their eyes filled with a million and one ideas about work and not about the person they love I really feel love has lost all meaning.  When my drunken gals say how much they love me I adore hearing it but it really makes me think of how nonchalant this proclamations have become and when I truly love someone I want them to know I say it when I feel it.  We have all felt what I am saying.  You see your love after a terrible day, or you let your mind drift off about them and then you realize how much they warm your heart.  THOSE! Those are the moments.  Yes, yes, I have heard every excuse in the book as too why people say it like they may never see one another again.  What I have to say is would you not rather your loved ones actually feel like they were loved by you because you valued when you said it?  Would you not rather the people you say it to know.  You would never have any doubt if you made these three little words special.  If you expressed your love and you really meant it you would never need an excuse.  The only reason you would have for saying it is that you felt it and you meant it.  Not I was in a hurry and wanted them to know, not they said it first, not a million and one excuses to say something that does not and should not have any other reason to be uttered than the pure fact that you uttered it.  That is it.  Mean it when you say it.  Say it when you mean it.  Feel it when you speak it to the one you love with billions of words to describe positive emotions let's take love back to mean the level it was created to represent or say whatever words you say when you mean you are truly, madly, deeply intoxicated by love with someone when you mean them.

“Sometimes, he thought, real love is silent as well as blind.” 
― Stephen King

2) So here is what I noticed and it drives me crazy Facebook attacks of  I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and blah, blah, blah all over walls.  WOW.  Seriously?  I am not sure why you have to tell your thousand friends everyday how much you love, love, love your man/girl, we get it.  You are in love.  If you really love them then why don't you try showing it with more action than a social media attack.  Try making them a nice dinner, try texting them a personal message, try sending them something nice at work, I don't know what you like or your love likes but I garuantee all you are doing is looking desperate and annoying the piss out of people when you CONSTANTLY proclaim your love all over Facebook.  It is mind boggling anyways, what are you trying to prove?  Are you trying to own your love so that everyone knows that they are taken?  Are you trying to express your crazy obsession with them by letting them know twenty times a day you really, really, really, really love, love, love them??? HOLD UP! You are getting way out there in Crazy Town.  Dial yourself back to reality.  You are most likely over whelming them and over exerting yourself...oh ya...and did I say annoying the piss out of everyone?? Here is the truth, no matter how much you love your love no one really cares to hear about it all day long.  It makes the whole situation clingy and weird.  And, also, I am not sure why you have to tell everyone all day long your feelings but you may want to re-evaluate your relationships with others and make sure that you are fulfilled in life.    This is sort of a repeat of point number one but if you are constantly screaming "I LOVE YOU!" all day all over social media than it has completely lost value by the third or fourth post.  Those three words that are supposed to be sacred for the one you truly do love have no become empty in a news feed along with pictures of cats and Zac Gallifinakas....don't degrade your feelings by making them a social media whore, intensify them by making them special.

"People use the word 'love' a lot of different ways. Take me, for instance. I am often heard saying that I love my mom and dad. I am also often heard saying that I love pizza. 

Next time someone looks deeply into your eyes and says 'I love you', look very deeply right back and say, 'Would that be pizza love, or the real thing?” 
― Mary Beth Bonacci, Real Love: Answers to Your Questions on Dating, Marriage and the Real Meaning of Sex

3) Please stop using "I love you but..." as some sort of false negative or positive thing to start a converstation.  I love you is not a good way to start of saying ANYTHING negative first of all and it most certainly is not a positive way to kick start a conversation about something completely unrelated to love.  I love you IS NOT a statement like "Oh hey you are doing a great job but..." It is not the beginning of positive criticism! And I am not really sure how or why we started to treat it as such.  Really.  It means what it means.  I love you does not mean anything else.  Nor should it.  It would be really strange if your boss walked up to you and said "I love you but you really need to focus on these TPS reports..." and yet it is okay for your lover to walk up to you and say "I love you but you really need to scrape your plate after dinner into the trash."  Do you see that?  I love you just got tossed in with dirty dishes and trash...how romantic and sincere.  Separate out your criticism and try something like "I really appreciate that you took out the trash, would you please scrape your plate into it after you are done eating because..." There you go.  You do not need to throw I love you around like it is some cheap party trick.  It is not something that people should be saying to soften the blow OR get out of a jam.  These actions really cheapen the meaning behind what these three words are suppose to mean.  Come on now, we all want love to be special and we all want to feel special so if you want to talk about changing the cat litter or taking the dog out for number two keep I love you out of it.

Basically say what you mean! If you mean "You are super awesome! Thank you so much for doing..." than say that if you mean "I really appreciate a lot of house work you do but can you please help me with..." than say that BUT don't just throw around I love you for everything.  Mean it, say it, feel it.  I dedicate my new relationships not to be filled with meaningless "I love you" but rather to be filled with the knowledge and feeling that love is always there because when I say it I mean it.  I dedicate my life to open communication so instead of inserting "I love you" where "thank you" or "I'm sorry" belong I will say exactly what I am feeling and mean.  Don't sell love short by demeaning it.  Stand up for love and what it means to you and take it back from the level we have thrown it down to in our minimal efforts to express that we truly care for someone.  Until next week thank you kindly for reading! XO