Wednesday, 1 January 2014
How To Make Up
You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly
- Sam Keen
I have been fortunate in my awesome three month union with The American that we have not had any reasons to make up, as we have not had any fights. However, I am not the only person dating in this world and some of my dear friends have had some doozy fights lately! Beyond this The American is not my first and only relationship in this life time so I have a history of make ups after tragic almost breakups myself. Here are some things I have learned this week on how to smooth the rough patches on your road to relationship bliss.
I love you the more in that I believe you had liked me for my own sake and for nothing else
-John Keats
1) BE HONEST! (Am I broken record here or what?) I know this is typically my advice for pretty much anything to do with anything in the land of lovers. However! Honesty in a make up is the only way two souls truly make up! Here is why: let's take for example that you have just had a rather extensive argument about flirtation. You see your lover flirting (and come on now we all KNOW what flirting looks like at this age so let's just say that you saw it, and they copped to it). Through the course of your passionate discourse your love admits that they were flirting because you don't make them feel sexy anymore. And, so you two hash it out and she/he agrees not to flirt for attention and you agree to make she/he feel more desired but you really have no idea what they are even talking about. You need to be honest that you do now know where to go from Fight Land. It is great that you heard the issue and that you both agreed to not hurt one another. In fact it is super amazing and mature! However, stopping there without a full understanding of how to proceed is not going to help anyone. Often people in relationships just want their fight to be over. They have momentary resolution through expression and acceptance but no solution is given. On another note if you just give up in your fight because you are upset and just do not want to talk about it any longer than you are not being honest when you agree that the issue is over. AND! I will tell you why this element is so crucial in the make up process. It is essential because without it we get stuck in a cycle of having the same argument over and over and over and over and over....you get the point. What happens is, instead of having a solution and resolution, you now have left overs. Left over things that were not said, or not heard or not a lot of things continuing on strong into your future conversations. AND! then you get a lovely combination of resentment and hostility brewing. Honesty until you are raw and exposed. Honesty until your lover knows your very deepest emotion. Honesty until you have nothing more to say. That is the answer. And, I am not saying that this will fix your problems. Unfortunately, some people are going to reject your true self. But, what I am saying is the right person is going to take in all of you and your needs and make you happier than you have every been, trust me hiding your true desires never leads to anything good.
Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being 'in love,' which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
-Louis DeBerniere
2) GET OVER IT! This one is just as it sounds. Move on together and grow or let go period. There is no in between that is healthy and productive as ALL relationships in your life should be. Here is what I mean. You fight with your lover because they cheated on you. BUT YOU CHOOSE TO STAY WITH THAT LOVER. That is your bed. You picked out the linens, you fluffed the pillows, and you dove right in knowing full well your lover has messed around so guess what? Now every time they do something that makes you slightly upset you CAN NOT bring that up. The past is the past. IF you full on choose to be with a cheater than be a f*cking cheater and I don't want to hear about it. AND OF COURSE! being with a cheater is going to make you paranoid and insane because OF COURSE they are most likely still messing around on you. BUT! That is what you choose. On a less severe scale if for three years your partner does not ever wipe a damn crumb off the crummy counters than you CAN NOT revolve all fights back to crumby counters. Here is the tough love bit that might be hard to understand. YOU CREATE YOUR SITUATION. That guy/gal you are dating is the one you are actually choosing to be with. That city, that house, that whatever is all a choice of your adult life so get over it. AND! If you find you CAN NOT get over it than move on! If you can absolutely not move on from the same argument over and over and over and over and over and over because you are holding so tightly on to a grudge it has become a permanent tattoo on your soul than you are in a stagnant (and I imagine VERY DRAMATIC) relationship. Let go! I know this is extremely hard because the holding on comes from pain and it comes from hurt and it comes from...pretty well a mess of negative feelings you are feeling about yourself. YOU HAVE TO LET GO. YOU HAVE TO. If you do not let go you will never be happy, you will never grow, and you will certainly never make the person you are with happy.
You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.
-Barbara DeAngelis
3) ADMIT WHEN YOU ARE WRONG. This one and two are my two hardest steps that I have learned really learned in the past year. Being wrong does not feel very good does it? Nope, unfortunately it does not. It means that you are exposing your weakness and this can be very frightening. It feels so much more safe to keep the fight going, and keep the other person the bad guy and keep your guard up than acknowledging that you were in the wrong and that you are sorry for that. BUT! You know what realizing we make mistakes means?? It means we LEARN!! It means we become stronger and better! It means we grow! It means so many wonderful things so being wrong is nothing to be ashamed of. I heard a really amazing piece of advice while I was home for the holidays and it went like this: Just because a relationship does not last forever does not mean you failed. Then I realized that relationships whether they are a week or a decade all teach us lessons that we need to learn. Just because you did not marry your love of three years does not mean you failed. It actually means you tried! AND! you succeeded! Dating reminds me of a Cinderella reference. While the character searched high and low with the slipper that just did not fit all over town he tried! And you know what that is what we are all doing. None of us are alone. We are all trying to find that right fit. It does not mean that our lives are only about searching for someone, not at all. But, it does mean that we are all trying learn and adapt and make relationships. Every single person (except perhaps extreme hermits) are all trying. So when you fail take that lesson. Take that lesson as a success in life, because you are not the only only making mistakes, you are not the only one losing love and you are certainly not the only one fighting.
When you came, you were like red wine and honey, and the taste of you burnt my mouth with its sweetness.
-Amy Lowell
This trip home I had an interesting self revelation my lovely friend told me Mr. X is having a baby and engaged. You know what I felt? A wave of relief and happiness. I felt truly that this life I made for myself this past year, this career, this new passion for running, this amazing new love interest were all really the right thing to be doing. Not to sound like I needed to know that he got his future dreams to be happy. But, it certainly helped me realize that I am incredibly grateful that life with him is not mine. I am so thankful to be here in Vancouver, working at a successful law firm, falling in love with new friends, The American and life. I have never felt so alive and vibrant! I have never been so thankful. I also came across a lot of unfaithfulness and heart ache, fighting and pain while mingling around with friends. So I challenge you to take these three difficult steps in your fight resolution, to communicate and to treat each other like you truly care about one another because happiness is growth. Happiness is caring for someone and not wanting to hurt them. And, most of all happiness is something you deserve! Thanks for reading. Until next week! XO
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