The Politics of Cheating

“Cheating and lying aren't struggles, they're reasons to break up.” 
― Patti Callahan Henry, Between The Tides

So I know I blogged about my shady past and the issues of infidelity and boredom.  However, I recently came to a whole new level of self awareness that made me realize that people cheat because they are searching for something.  Their lives are not complete!  I realized this not because I have cheated on The American, I have not even dreamed of this as he is too good for such petty actions! But, what I realized was all around me infidelity flourished and I had to often not been satisfied by monogamy.  You know what?  It is not your partner when you cheat it is you.  There is something in you yearning for more.  And, I am here to tell you that you are never going to find it in someone else.  If you are searching for what makes you happy look for further than the mirror.  The answer is you.  I realized in the past I had been incomplete.  I had not thought that highly of myself or loved myself as much as I do now. AND! I do not mean cheap ego manical love, I mean really meaningful love that makes you realize you can be happy alone and that you deserve the best.  Some people go their whole lives never feeling this and for these people my heart aches! The following are three things I discovered about cheating.

“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.” 
― Cheryl Hughes

1) Communication break down.  Now previously I may have blamed someone else for this, but, you know whose fault my failed communication is?  My own. This has taken me 32 years of life and 17 of dating to figure out! And yet it is so simple.  Here is the thing when someone is not hearing you, instead of getting all upset that they "never listen" and storming into the arms of someone else...who let's be honest will probably soon be painted with your "non-listening" brush try and sort out what is up with you.  What is up with you?  My dear friend recently told me that life keeps throwing us the same screw ups until we learn from them and you know she is right.  It is not because we keep attracting people that are not listening, but rather the opposite.  We have stopped growing in our ability to communicate.  Here is what I am trying and you can try it or not it is completely up to you.  With The American I tell him all my feelings good and bad about everything from fried eggs to literature.  He is in agreeance that such communication is also a good idea and therefore thus far there has not been any miscommunication we have not spoken of.  Keep your lines open! But, here is the thing if you try this approach it is some what difficult because you are not always going to know exactly what you want from how you feel and exactly how to communicate but the fact that you try is keeping you faithful I gaurantee.  Cheating is a biproduct of communication break down.  You lose sight of how to hear and speak to one another you become distant and frustrated and often instead of trying to work these feelings out.  And, I mean really work them out, you turn to someone else to work you out.  Try communicating all your ups and downs to prevent harbouring ill emotions.

“When people cheat in any arena, they diminish themselves-they threaten their own self-esteem and their relationships with others by undermining the trust they have in their ability to succeed and in their ability to be true.” 
― Cheryl Hughes

2) Bring sexy back! Okay if you have lost that sexy feeling than guess what?  You have also lost some self esteem.  This is very unfortunate! So yes you can try and search for sexy in others but let me tell you, you will more often than not end up unfufilled.  Why?  Because the only person that can truly realize how hot you are is you.  That is right.  You know what to wear, say, etc to feel sexy.  AND! When you feel sexy! and I mean you are so full of sexy you are oozing it, than other people will find you just as sexy as you do.  If on the odd chance they don't f*ck their opinion because not everyone is attracted to everyone else and that is just the way of life.  It does not mean you are not one smokin hot tamale! I would say not only be with someone who makes you feel sexy everyday (of course this is ideal!) but  also be that person to yourself.  The thing is you may be in a stale relationship and feeling frumpy more often than not.  I understand.  I have been there.  Once frumpiness sets in then you gradually care less and less about your morning hair and wholey old jim jam pants that you wear to bed every night, and your sleeping retainer....AND all the things that you use to care about because you felt like you wanted to be sexy.  Notice it is not about someone else.  In the beginning you wanted to be a sex kitten for your lover looking like a foxy minx, but something happened slowly didn't it?  You both started to put on some weight, you both started to let yourselves go and the more you did the worse you felt.  I am not saying that it is wrong to get comfortable but BRING YOUR DAMN SEXY BACK!! What happened you, you sexy little beast?? If you never feel sexy and you search for sexy in someone else than you will be searching a long time because the only person that can truly make you ooze sexy and feel wanted is you.  Don't try and pass the blame on to your partner (unless they are cruel and tell you that you are not sexy! Than run away from that low self esteem train wreck).  In most cases I guarantee if you look in the mirror you will find the person making yourself feel undesired...it is you my lovely. Find your sexy self again, and find it not because anyone else deserves but because you do!


“People generally didn't cheat in good relationships.” 
― Emily Giffin, Something Blue

3) Don't settle. Here we go again but seriously settling is the more detrimental thing you can do to yourself and someone else.  AND! If you are settling for someone than cheating may happen sooner than you think.  I have seen most people I know settle because they have been together a long period of time.  Do you know where they are now?? Divorced after multiple affairs, or separated juggling kids between cities, and so on.  Know your worth and do not cave to selling yourself short for whatever million and one excuses you can insert here for staying with someone that you are not crazy about.  Passion is needed, love is needed, there is a whole list of ingredients for love to flourish and if you are settling you just signed up to let yours die out and become bitter.  While yes all relationships teach us something, this lesson should most certainly NOT be to settle.  Be with someone you are CRAZY about.  Be with someone you truly love.  Be with someone that when you are with them you are not eye f*cking the waitress... that is right.  Fidelity is not actually hard once you realize that your relationship is not about punishing yourself because you might not meet anyone better or treated someone poor in your past.  Being faithful is a walk through Easy Town if you first realize you are worth incredible things in this world and second realize that means never settling.  Be passionate about your love life and your love and you will not be interested in anyone else I promise.

I have come a long way in mentality of cheating this past year.  While I still completely agree if you are straying you are lacking something, I do not fully agree that you can peg it all on your relationship.  You have to share the blame.  You have to ask yourself if you are part of the problem and why?  You will never grow, you will never flourish and you will never be fulfilled if you look at your life through the lens of blaming everyone else around you.  Grow up.  Evolve your life.  I guarantee once you fall in love with your sexy self and communicate openly with no settling fidelity will be as easy as 1...2....3!

I am extremely fortunate that being with The American comes so easily to me.  Ease of communication and lack of any judgement are the basis for open communication so I hope that you all find ease and happiness! But never have I been dating someone that has made me feel this way.  I am not saying I have not met men that have not been worthy (while I truly don't think I did) I WAS NOT WORTHY to find fidelity because I was all screwed up in my impressions and doubts and lies and the list goes on.  I was not whole.  So now fidelity is easy, in fact I find myself wanting it full time (which is sort of a new trend).  I find myself realizing that falling for someone truly means not wanting anyone else.  But, mostly not wanting anyone but the right one comes from being happy with myself! XO Until next week!