Ain't No Sunshine

“You should always treat people with kindness”

-My dad on how to treat others

Life is a lot of things.  Fair is not usually one of its defining characteristics.  My father has been ill for a long time.  He struggles with an intense muscle degenerating disease that is very unknown in both society and the medical world called Inclusion Body Mitosis (IBM).  Yesterday he informed me that he has put a hospital bed in his room and it hit me.  Not the realization he is dying, we are all dying, he has been sick for over 15 years I have had time to come to terms with the reality of the end of his life.  But, that everything is different now.  What I mean is for the first time in my life my mother and father will be sleeping in separate beds.  Then I realized that once he has passed my mother will sell the house, I can’t imagine that she will keep a spacious five bedroom place for her and her mother (my grandmother lives with my parents).  I am experiencing that strange phenomena of losing home.  It is a very difficult thing to process.  Home is always your safe haven isn’t it?  It is the place you retire to when you can’t handle the turbulence of life, it is where you go for holidays, it is your home.  But, one day you wake up and this changes.  The following are three emotions that I am feeling lately, maybe you can relate:

“That is just the way the world is.”

-My dad on the futility of questioning why things happen

1)      Unknown.  It is the strangest feeling not knowing how to feel.  Feeling happy about some aspects of life and then plagued again with stress and worry for your loved ones.  It is a wild roller coaster when you feel yourself laughing at a joke only to shortly feel guilty for feeling happy.  You feel highs that feel hallow and lows that feel surreal and all the while you realize that you are helpless to your emotions.  They are processing the information you have given them the best way they know how.  This is my rollercoaster.

“I am lucky.  Your mother takes good care of me.”

-My dad on the topic of my mom

2)      Guilt.  I have guilt that on some days I think my dad is in so much pain that death would be a relief to him.  To my mother who cries all the time.  To my sister who stays in SmallTownNowhere to help.  To my elderly grandmother who tries to help in any way she can.  To myself for having my heart stop every time I hear a new level of disintegration in his disease.  To my friends who can only watch and struggle with what support to offer.  To my hometown as the residence watch and wonder what will come next.  To everyone who is affected by strange, unknown, cruel diseases I feel your guilt.  I feel guilt for not being able to offer support in a way that will cure all that ails my family.  I feel guilty for being young, vibrant and healthy and wanting to see my dad as he once was.  I feel angry and I feel guilty and I feel sad, these are my emotions.

“You have got your university education.  No matter what happens in life, no one can take that from you.”

-My dad when I graduated

3)      Retreat.  There is a strong desire to fix what is broken isn’t there?  There is an overwhelming sense that if one returns home that it will remain frozen in time in that perfect Christmas morning memory.  There is a hope that your mere presence and wishful thinking will stop time and cure disease.  I feel an incredibly difficult sensation that living away from my family is the right thing.  It is a hard realization that living your life where you need to be is away from those who need you.  It is a devastating actuality to recognize that if you go back and live in the same house and town as your family it does nothing.  It does not stop time.  In fact it is a particularly hard thing to swallow that everyone is better and happier if you keep living your life, building you career, trying for each day instead of retreating back home.  This is my struggle.

“Oh lord it’s hard to be humble.  When your prefect in every way.”

-My dad singing what I am pretty sure is his life motto.

The truth is people tell me all the time I am so lucky to have more time with my dad and this is true.  Unfortunately this time is filled with pain, struggle, and heart ache, this is also true.  There is a numbness that washes over me most of the time, a warm comforting sensation where I can hide from the reality of feelings.  It is so nice to hide isn’t it?  Feelings give way to talking, talking gives way to hugging, hugging gives way to crying, and crying leads to breaking.  But hiding does not help heal pain.    Disease is part of life and I will not remember my father this way, I can’t.  I will always remember him sun kissed with long strawberry blond hair strong and brilliant fixing the lawn mower in the back yard.  I will remember his kindness, I will remember his will to fight, while this disease may take his body, it will never take my mind.  Thanks for listening this week to my restless demons.  XO

“Twas midnight on the ocean,

Not a street car was in sight.

The moon was shining brightly,

Because there was no sun that night.

The two dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

Drew their swords and shot one another.

A deaf police man heard that noise,

He ran and shot those two dead boys.”

-My dad’s riddle.

The Upside to Breakups

“Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?” 
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You

First I would like to acknowledge that I personally am in a very healthy and happy relationship with The American.  However...

Lately I have been feeling the anxiety of all my lady friends.  The anxiety that comes from sticking it out with a man who makes you miserable.  These feelings are all too familiar to me and therefore I have decided to write this week about three fabulous upsides to walking away from your misery….or should I just say it getting rid of your man.

1)      So long everyday heart ache! I can’t tell you that break ups initially feel very good.  In fact, the opposite is true.  But, I can tell you that after the initial sting is over you will realize that sun shines a little brighter since your ex is gone.  In fact you will feel a little lighter! What is that?? That old ball and chain that was weighing you down is gone?  Congratulations you just lost (insert your Mr. X’s weight here) pounds! You have never looked better!  I can’t tell you what kind of life you are going to have post break up because I am not psychic.  However, I can tell you that you will not be miserable every day.  I can tell you that you will not have useless fights over trivial shit every day.  Lastly I can tell you that you won’t wake up anxious to the drama of the day.  You will just wake up, and you know what?  It will be a brand new day.  It will be full of potential and it will be yours.  After my last most recent break up I was recapping with a co-worker and she said this to me “Be thankful you did not marry him.”  She was completely right.  See the end is not always a bad thing!  In fact shortly after the end you will realize THANK GOODNESS you did not spend another second of your life with the person who made you unhappy every day.  The person who made you want to be single.  The person who annoyed you to no end and took you for granted.  The person who made you question your self worth and feel sub par everyday.  Quit making yourself miserable.

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.” - Marilyn Monroe

2)      GROW UP! SO! Interesting phenomena I witnessed on Facebook recently was people criticizing the above quote and you know what I found myself agreeing with their point of view.  Breakups teach us things we need to learn.  If you have this attitude that your good times are SO GOOD that you are therefore entitled to be a dick than you are headed for disaster.  My break up from Mr. X taught me so much about myself it was the best thing that ever happened to me.  It taught me so much about what not to have in a partner and in a relationship.  It taught me how to communicate and STAY BY WHAT I SAY in a respectful manner.  It taught me how to be happy and appreciate all the things he was lacking that I was starving for in my life.  It made me realize what I needed to change in myself.  It made me grow.  It most importantly made me grow up.  Have you ever dated someone and thought they were about as mature as a ten year old?  You know! You try and talk to them about things and they either have a tantrum, or pout, or over react, or cry and you are trapped trying to reason with some one who just doesn’t wanna! They need to grow up.  But, the truth of the matter is if you are struggling to be the only emotional mature person in your union so do you.  You need to grow up and realize you CAN’T CHANGE PEOPLE, we all grow up on our own, in fact sadly some people never do. 

“Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.” 
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

3)      Full potential.  I have blogged about this before that is that when you are a 1 of 2 you are always thinking for two.  I hate when I ask my girlfriend what she is doing Saturday night and she says that she has to check with her boyfriend or husband…the tragedy of when two become one.  THE GREAT NEWS IS divorce and breakups make this equation obsolete!  There is no more “checking in” there is just you and your full potential.  I think that some people are afraid to embrace this change because they view it as loneliness, or they no longer have an excuse as to their behaviours, or whatever.  EMBRACE your full potential! I did.  Since I moved to the best city for me, landed my dream job and I don’t answer to anyone I see potential like it is going out of style!  I am not saying that potential is not possible with the right partner!  What I am saying is that if your life takes off like a bat out of hell after you end your stagnant union than you were with the wrong partner.  If you feel like you have hit a rut in your life but your partner looks as happy as a pig in sh*t than I am sorry to say but you are with the wrong partner.  I refuse to hear excuses from people saying “Oh but I just need to move here (insert town you hate) and work (insert job you hate) with (insert people that treat you poorly) for four more years while my husband, wife, boyfriend, etc…”  What a joke.  No one should put their life on hold for anyone else.  AND! If you truly love someone you won’t ask them to.  Do you know I have broken up with men because I was moving away and I did not want them to leave their incredible lives where they were happy?  Yes, I have.  These relationships were fun and taught me about love but they were not meant to be.  I also knew I needed to start fresh in new places.  Break ups take us places we will never dream of with the wrong person.

“You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.”
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

I don’t want to be cliché here and say the obvious that break ups lead you to your GREATEST love affiars and possibly even your soul mate.  This seems to be the focus of many women that they will have to try again with someone new.  I say LUCKY YOU!  Finding love is the fun.  Shopping around is what makes you realize what you want and DON’T WANT!  Dating is the spice of life.  If you have given up on dating than I am afraid that you have given up on yourself for too many reasons.  Lastly! Dating brings you smack dab right in front of a man who will make all other men pale in comparison.  Dating will make you realize how incredibly luckily you are when you find someone amazing.  Dating teaches you how to interact with strangers and just plain strange men.  It is all relative.  The truth is if you are afraid of breaking up because you don’t know what is on the other side, I am telling you what is on the other side is your amazing life.  Be brave enough to grab it and ride it like the wind.  Thanks for reading! XOXO

Pictures this week are women who fabulously survived heart ache and are amazing. XO

PLEASE READ: Greg Behrendt's He is Just Not That Into You: The No Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys
All other QUOTES: From GOOGLE!

3 Bullshit Lines

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

Sigh....(that is a big sigh)....so lately Ms. M has been dealing with this guy.  He gave her the old song and dance about not wanting anything serious but still wanting to hang out after playing house for the past few weeks with her and leading her on.  Then Ms. K told me about her man and his millions of excuses for his lack of action towards acting like he gives a f*ck and I have just had it with men and the bull sh*t they feed women to keep banging them.  Truth be told I am tired of hearing my girlfriend's lame excuses to believe what they know (from time and time and time...etc...)  to be nothing but empty words.  So even though at this point in time I am pretty sure my advice just falls on deaf ears and I would have more success telling my dog the reality of these things because at least he pretends to be listening...here goes.  The following are three lines that if you hear you can bank in the account of complete and utter bullsh*t.

“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

1) "I am really not ready for anything serious but still want to hang out" - TRANSLATION:  I want to keep banging you on my terms with no commitment. SIGH!! (insert frustrated sigh with shaking head).  Here is the truth: IF A MAN WANTS TO DATE YOU HE WILL.  If he doesn't he will say this to you.  This means that while he does not view you as girlfriend material AT ALL, he is to p*ssy to man up and tell you.  He also likes getting a piece of ass whenever he fancies it and knows that if he leads you on just enough he can get that from you.  SO all of my girlfriends have whined about this to me, they all pout about a guy that they are totally into being not ready to date them.  What a load of bullshit.  They seem to be ready to have these same girls stay over night, have sex with them, text them and take them out on occasion just enough to maintain a level of the girl thinking things are going somewhere! All the while telling them things are not going anywhere.  "Hello mind games my old friend."  This may sound familiar from back in Mr. Elevator days.  He was this kind of coward.  If you don't want to date someone then don't.  Don't sneak around under the guise of dating while all the while claiming the opposite.  It is manipulative.  Here is what Ms. M said to me "It is totally fine if he just wants f*ck, but then let's just f*ck.  Don't make me dinner and take me out and introduce me to your friends."  I completely understand what she is saying.  The truth is if a man is into you he will move mountains for you, he will try and catch the moon and never make you cry.  He will not say he does not want to date you.  This means exactly what he is saying, DON'T HEAR that he likes what you have.  All that means is he likes f*cking you.  Big whoop, everyone likes that, that means nothing.  So when you hear this incredibly ridiculous line remember the translation and NEVER, EVER take it as anything more.  Men only say these things because they think that being honest will not get them what they want.

“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” 
― George Washington

2)  "I just got out a long term relationship" - TRANSLATION: "You are a rebound."  Sigh (insert small defeated sigh).  I don't know why when women hear this they see this man as a broken bird in need of nourishing back to health. GOOD GRIEF! This man is telling you, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE A LONG TERM ANYTHING.  Yet, for some reason women hear this and hear "I am need of a woman to mend my heart, change my mind about women, bring me to love again and then I will be forever grateful...blah, blah, blah..." NO.  Thank Hollywood for this delusional take on things because it is years, and years, and years, of literature, mass media, and movies that have portrayed women with broken hearts as these beautiful broken souls that need men to mend them and teach them to fall in love again THEREFORE when they hear men say the above line they think they need to fix them.  WHAT A LOUD OF BULL SH*T.  If a man is outright giving you this excuse than guess what?  You are a rebound.  This is his excuse to not finding you dateable.  I don't know why but life would just be so much easier if men did not use any excuses and just said "No thanks."  But for some reason they feel like they have to feed up an excuse to the hungry woman who lusts to be called their one and only.  The sad thing is once these utterances escape his lips he is DOOMED! he has just given the girl of his non-affection a millon and one crazy thoughts about their fling that are completely made up from her fantasies in her head AND typically in these situations the man breaks down and just ends up telling the woman he does not want anything after weeks of leading her on with using the above line as what he thought was a buffer and it is a mess.  SO ladies do yourself a favor, when a man tells you this say "Sorry to hear, when you are done rebounding you know where I am at." Stand tall sister.

“Lies and secrets, Tessa, they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind.” 
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

3) "I am just not sure what I want right now" - TRANSLATION: "I am sure I don't want to be dating you but I am too afraid to say so." (Insert a W.T.F laugh here).  Why do I hear this so often from my girlfriends.  Why, oh why is there so much uncertainty in the world (that is pure sarcasm F.Y.I) Let's get real for a moment.  When you meet someone and they really want to date you and you are not interested saying no can be hard because they usually do not have a positive reaction and that is hard.  BUT!! Do you know what is even harder??  Lying.  Saying that you are not sure.  If you hear this take it as he is NOT interested.  Who the hell is not sure they want to date someone?  What do they expect you to do?  Just wait around optimisitically until they are sure that they want to?  Or don't want to?  What...the...serious...f*ck....When you want to date someone you know.  PERIOD.  There is no ho-hum time period where you are able to mull things over.  No.  While you absolutely can get to know someone, that is what I strongly suggest.  BUT! at the end of the day if you don't want to date them then just say that.  If someone tells you they do not know they want to date you than move on.  Do not tell them you will wait for them EVER! This drives me SO MENTAL when my girlfriends say things like this "I told him to call me when he knew what he wanted"  or worse "I asked him if he wanted to break up and he said he was not sure so I told him that we should...."  No, no, no.  You are worth someone's 100 percent wanting to date you. The worst part is selling this "not sure" B.S around makes the my girlfriends, one in particular, fill in the blanks.  Like it is some kind of Mad Lib puzzle and saying "not sure" means that my girlfriends should make up a million excuses and put words in their men's mouths so that they stay together.  It saddens me that this is reality. The truth is if a man can't think he wants to date you than don't think for him and get out of there. Seriously.

“The visionary lies to himself, the liar only to others.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

It may seem like I am all fired up this week and cussing like a sailor.  I am.  I am so tired of hearing the same excuses from men 20 to 40 from women 20 to 40 when all they are really trying to convey is that they are not interested.  Do me a HUGE favor! If you are not interested in my girlfriends, actually make that all women everywhere, just SAY IT.  Don't say one thing at all that gives them hope that you might possibly be interested.  Don't do it! Because I would rather pick up their broken pieces of your fresh break up than constantly have to point out that you are not interested once a week because they are clinging desperately to what they thought you had.  Also, it must be just as frustrating for the men that use these lines in the hopes of getting out and somehow keep getting looped right back in.  Do us all a favor just say "It's been a slice but I never want to see you again."  (Hopefully far, far, far more tactfully than this).  All these words to soften the break up are just strings to a sinking ship that my girlfriends are holding onto.  They are plummetting down with the Titanic of love stories and yet they are unable to let go because perhaps it might miraculously resurface with enough effort. Cut those damn strings and do us all a favor you are not the only person dealing with this disaster in fact, my girlfriends never complain to the men that say these things about. Oh no! They could never because they are trying their hardest to pretend like they are oh so cool with the situation and have a solution that makes them in a happy unity if they can just figure it out how to win your heart.  So in turn I hear all about the pathetic attempts these men make to break up, just say what you mean and don't be so afraid of breaking some hearts.  Hearts are actually made to be broken, it gives them character,.  I would know mine is a million little pieces but it works better than ever.  Thanks for reading XO

3 Signs You Have Met Mr. Right

"The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person. You know they're right if you love to be with them all the time."

Julia Child

So recently a few of my fantastic ladies have been feeling taken for granted (that is not news to me, I hear this all the time, and I have definitely felt this way too in my previous relationships).  Given that this is not new news I was not really phased or overly bothered than the usual.  BUT, what really threw me into the topic for this blog was what one of my dearest friends (who shall remain nameless this week) told me.  She told me that recently and only recently she was treated amazingly well by a man.  She said that he made her feel really special, something her current man does not often do.  This made me realise something terrible.  I DO NOT hear how fantastic men are treating their women often enough (and of course this can go both ways, women treat men shabby too often too!). 

I do, however, hear how terrible their partners are, how demanding, how unfair, demeaning, jealous, crazy...the list goes on but you get the point.  I literally know about a handful of friends who constantly tell me how lovely it is to be with their partner and how amazing their partner makes them feel.  Don’t get me wrong there will be a rough patch here and there with everyone. BUT, it is how these happy couples treat one another when they weather the storm that keeps them so damn happy.  The following are three indicators you are with the right one (also if you do not have any of these indicators than you are clearly with the wrong one, sorry to say).

"It sounds like a cliche but I also learnt that you're not going to fall for the right person until you really love yourself and feel good about how you are."

Emma Watson

1)     You feel lucky.  If you look at your love and think you are the luckiest person in the world than you are with the right one. Here is a little story, the other day The American came over to my place in the midst of a blizzard.  He was over for about five minutes when I told him I was out of toilet paper but had part of a box of Kleenex until tomorrow.  Without question he put a leash on my dog (who loves walks!) and went to the shop to grab some (I should mention that he also brought me my favorite treat and gave me a massage).  I thought to myself “That is awesome! I am really lucky.”  The truth is I feel like this all the time.  There are no feelings of wavering doubt. 

 Also, I strongly believe when you have found someone that you truly feel lucky to be with, like gold.   If you honestly think you have really lucked out and the man you are with is the bees knees, than you are going to treat him as such, I am sure of it.  The truth is I have dated men who I did feel lucky be with.  But, it was not really the right feeling of luck.  It was not based on how they treated me, it was more a feeling of luck based on the fact that they had similarities to me, or my family liked them, or whatever.  I was basing my evaluation of them on things that were not merely as important as how I was being treated EVERY SECOND OF EVERYDAY.  That feeling of luck can’t leave you and come back, if you have struck gold than that feeling of appreciating will be there to stay.

 "Marriage is miserable unless you find the right person that is your soulmate and that takes a lot of looking."

Marvin Gaye

2)     You are treated like GOLD! Above I was saying if you feel lucky than you will treat your partner like gold, well guess what?  It works both ways.  If your man makes you feel like a queen than he feels lucky too!  Everyone has their own concept on what being treated like a queen means.  Ideally you will find a man that treats you the way that you want to be treated.  (AND, to anyone reading this trying to brush off my emotions on the “honey moon phase” shame on you! You know my feelings about that).  Unfortunately if you settle for a man who treats you like you are some kind of peasant who is fortunate to grace his presence, than you will be miserable.  If you feel like you are less than your partner, than you are not with the right one.  You will always be sacrificing yourself and compromising your own happiness to appease them out of feelings of being unworthy. 

The right person will make you shine when you are in your darkest moment.  They will be your companion when you feel alone and they will help you up when you fall down.  It is a terrible thing to be trapped with a miserable person.  Misery loves company and if you are with someone who constantly makes you feel worthless than you are with the wrong person.  Sometimes my girlfriends ask me if I think there is someone for everyone, even their cruel, cheating, thieving, exes.  I tell them it is possible.  This is very hard to hear because for some reason women have this view that they can be the woman to change a man to his full potential...you should not need to change anyone, if they wanted to be the person you wanted them to be they would.  The truth is that it is completely possible there is someone just as miserable as someone else who would live the life they want to live with someone you might see as terrible.  I am not here to judge those people, but if you feel like you are being treated like sh*t on a shoe than you are not one of these people who thrives being miserable.  We should all be treated like gold.

" I know now that there are men out there who are, for me, the whole package, who are supportive of my successes because they know I will be just as supportive of theirs. I'm less tolerant of foolishness now; I know that it's important I not tie myself up with the wrong person, because then I will miss the right person coming along."

Ginnifer Goodwin

3)     Comfortable in your skin.  If you feel sexy, confident and happy you are with the right one.  The truth is we all have something about us that we see as unsightly!  Here you go, I have sweaty hands all the time.  It is a disorder I was born with that approximately one in six north Americans have, it makes me extremely self conscious about touching.  We all have moments where we feel unsure and are afraid of being judged this is normal.  However, if you are with someone that you can waltz in the nude in front of and knows you touch up your roots and you feel happy that he knows everything about you, than you are with the right one.  (PLEASE do not confuse this with comfort zone where people pee with the door open and clean their ears in front of you – that is still disgusting to me.) If you feel so beautiful that on days that you are not wearing makeup or have just woke up because your partner makes you feel that way than you are with the right one. 

You should never, ever have to lie to the person you are with PERIOD.  I am not saying keep a detailed diary of your life and report to your partner because that is crazy and also boring.  I mean you should never fear the reaction of your love.  That is real love.  Real love is saying all the truths about yourself, and more, and having them accepted.  Unless of course you are planning an amazing surprise for you love (F.Y.I I hate surprises, I am way too much a planner to enjoy them).   The truth is if you are keeping things from your lover because you are afraid of them not loving you anymore than not only are you presenting a false front, you are not wholly loved. You may also be living in fear of being alone and should re-evaluate why you are so afraid to be without someone.  The person you are with can only love the parts of you he knows about.  Basically if your partner knows all about you and still says those three little words than you are with the right one.

I hope that you are all happy and loved because that is what we all deserver in this life.  I am not talking about seeking out love and being desperately validated by it.  NOT AT ALL! I am talking about feeling worth every second of love and appreciation that you deserve.  If your partner constantly makes you feel poorly than you are with the wrong one and if you are lucky enough to find someone who makes you feel wonderful than you are right where you need to be.  Thanks for reading! XO 

Happiness! Try it out.

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” 
― Dr. Seuss

Winter blues seem to have hit us all hard lately.  I know it is hard to be happy when every thing is grey and dreary we are really getting into winter aren't we?  Yes there is no avoiding it! But, here are five easy tricks to boost your happiness and in turn all your relationships will be better! In fact being happier and more self complete will lead you to re-evaluate those in your life! And, meet new people worth your positive new outlook! Here goes:

1) Optimism.  This seems to be the number number one top of the list to all the articles I read this week about increased happiness in life.  Optimism appears to be the best medicine.  This is what I am doing I take out negative words from my vocabulary AND outlook.  Such as instead of saying "I could never..." I say "One day this could happen..."  Never shut yourself out from anything by creating a negative ambiance with your words.  Try not to create a wall of don'ts, can'ts, shouldn'ts...etc because the second your mind gets a hold of of these negative connotations it will bring your spirits down.  Also, if you are hanging about with people that use a lot of negative thinking you may want to approach how they talk to you.  True story: Once The American and I had a conversation and he said "Don't ..." to something that bothered him.  This word don't really bothered me.  It came across as a boundary that I did not understand fully because I was not sure what I was suppose to be doing instead, it came across as a criticism and to be frank a bit bossy.  So, I told him my thoughts on negative words.  They bring you down, they do not allow for positive growth and they can be so detrimental.  In many self development courses they teach you to speak in the affirmative and think in the affirmative.  It is such a simple step that we can all do for free and I guarantee the more you approach your life in the affirmative the happier you will be!

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

2) Express kindness! This is the best tip I think! Compliment someone, give a homeless person some soup, volunteer, pay for your neighbor's coffee in the morning, a small act of kindness goes a long way! Not just for the person receiving it.  You know what I find so amazing?  The look of confusion on people's faces when you are kind.  Kindness is so rare in our day in age that people are never expecting a kind word or action with no strings attached.  It is no wonder people are feeling down and out! So the next time you see a woman on the train and you like her scarf tell her, the next time you see some one struggling to open the door on the windy day help them.  Show kindness.  Be human.  These acts will warm your soul.  Every act of kindness helps you realize that other acts are not necessary.  I was getting on the Seabus the other day and I was just wrapping up a phone conversation with my dad who is a disabled man who does not get out much so we chat everyday on the phone at the same time.  He was finishing telling me about his latest doctor's appointment and I was just about to tell him I would call him after my commute like I always do as I do not enjoy chatting on any buses.  This very rude woman turned and faced me and declared "I am NOT sitting by you" and gave me a look of disgust because I was on the phone.  (It is funny to note here she went and sat down and three very loud mouthed teen aged girls sat beside her laughing and shouting the whole time).  But, I could not help but be struck by how incredibly rude she was.  Kindness is needed so badly in this world.  Kindness helps people feel good about themselves, and the kinder you are to others the better you will feel about yourself.

“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” 
― Marthe Troly-Curtin, Phrynette Married

3) Savor the small things! This was also a chart topper on the resources I scoured this week to compile this blog.  Savoring every little thing that brings you happiness through out the day, instead of focusing on the negative will greatly improve the quality of your life.  Here is what I do in the morning.  I either get a chai latte or a hot chocolate with whip cream on top.  Each of these two drinks the first sip is magic.  It makes me feel warm, happy, and ready for the day.  It is the smallest of things that brings a huge smile to my face.  Just like hearing your favorite song on the radio when you pop in the car on your way to work, or finding the perfect free parking spot on your way out, the little things matter.  We live in a society consumed with entitlement that we never stop to truly appreciate the small things that really make our lives happy.  There are always going to be bad days for sure like you drop the shampoo hard on your foot in the shower breaking the cap off only to then get rained on because you forgot your umbrella only to miss your bus kind of days...HOWEVER if instead of being beaten by those moments you realize that the person in front of you bought your coffee and you got complimented on your outfit you will be happier.  Focusing on the small ups in life is the best thing for all of us to do.  There is nothing worse than being trapped by a negative person who all they do is point out every negative thing possible every to you it really brings you down.  So, if you, yourself focus on the positives in your life it will lift your spirits!

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

4) HEALTH! This perhaps should be number one and is also up on the top of lists of happiness factors I sifted through.  Health is so important! When you are healthy you will be happy period.  This does not mean when you are skinny or when you are a muscle man, I mean healthy.  When you eat healthy and exercise everyday you will feel good about yourself!!  Exercise helps with the body circulation, sleep patterns, healthy weight maintenance, anxiety, it has so many benefits to keeping the mind healthy.  I have to tell you I use to think runners were a bit weird.  Why? Because they are so happy! They are always bubbly and laughing and then I realized why! Exercise not only helps you stay healthy and happy but it also really gives you a sense of accomplishment.  Last year when I ran my first half marathon I was so happy, but even beyond that just my warm up runs felt great! I felt a real sense of pride in accomplishing a run everyday and people always complimented me it was such a great feeling and this year when I do my full marathon I will once again have these great emotions.  I am not telling you to run a marathon, but I am telling you to get in even just twenty minutes of exercise a day and you will be happier (for your information sex is a great work out..wink, wink).

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

5)  Sleep.  Getting enough sleep is tantamount to quality of life.  Without it you become lethargic, grumpy, and delirious.  One must sleep to be happy.  A balanced life style involves sleep.  I believe that you can read any article you want on this topic but your body is the best indicator of the sleep you need.  Some nights you will toss and turn and some nights you will sleep like a log.  Your body is the captain (unless you have insomnia then you should talk to someone about that).  Your body will let you know when it is very tired and wants to nap, or when it is fully rested and wants some outdoor time.  Listen to your body.  The truth is your body is speaking to you all the time.  It is telling you when it needs water, food, rest it is a machine that functions on your actions.  Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night so parched you could barely stand it, BUT before bed you were a bit thirsty but did not listen to your body?  You only have one body so let it rest when it is tired.  Listen to it and keep it happy and healthy and in turn you will feel great!

There you have it! I hope these five simple steps help! They have certainly helped me.  Remember even if you don't eat healthy every second of every day or you miss  your weekly exercise DON'T beat yourself up!! Stay positive about your possibilities! We all have off days but that does not mean that you are not capable of turning every day into a happy one.  Until next week! XO

All pictures are from google except the top one that is my happiest little dog.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY ALL!

"I got sunshine on a cloudy day, 

When its cold outside I've got the month of May"

-The Temptations My Girl

I hope that you are not one of those sad girls who curses pretty little red heart shaped boxes because you may be single! Or you are one of those anti Halmark haters who curse the consumerism of it all!  Valentine’s day is about one thing: love.  You don’t have to buy anything and you don’t have to be taken.  You don’t have to be anything period.  In fact you know what?  I give funny cards to my girlfriends STILL to this day!  And I sometimes make them and I sometimes buy them.  I bake cupcakes for my coworkers.  I embrace this pretty little heart shaped day because each day is what you make it.  So if you are wallowing or cursing on the day of love! Give your head a shake! Find what you love and be nice about it.  In the spirit of being SUPER CHEESY!! And lovey dovey, this blog is dedicated to four reasons why The American is totally radical.  Hopefully through my ramblings below you may see what qualities are great in a partner!

1)      HE LISTENS! Yep, he surely does.  AND! I don’t mean in a half ass, “yes dear” patronizing way.  I mean he truly listens.  When I say “I feel like eating, watching, etc... because” or I just plain feel a certain way he listens and hears me.  He displays this amazing feat by saying things like “I understand, or "I would love to," (and even sometimes) "I disagree"...etc.”  He says something which says that he has heard me.  THEN he either says his own feelings on the subject OR relates a similar story which shows me he truly GETS the words that I have just said to him.  AND! Furthermore he then formulates a solution based on our conversation.  It can be as simple as what to eat, what movie to watch, to larger relationship issues such as trust but the end result is always the same.  I feel acknowledged, I feel accepted.  I DO NOT feel like he is brushing off my words with hurtful things like “Oh you are just being crazy, over reacting, etc...”  Nope.  Never.  Instead I feel like he sees me as an equal, my feelings are equal to his, and he truly wants me to be heard.  This is the number on thing among a million that make him the best!

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams"

- Dr Suess

"

2)      HE IS EMOTIONALLY MATURE (okay most of the time...just kidding!)  The American does not ever, ever ignore me when I call him or text (OF COURSE these conversations are outside of work hours! Let’s not be too demanding we all have to make a living!).  He is open to discussing things like a mature adult.  He does not name call, he does not place blame, he does not do a million and one immature things that other men do all the time that I hear about non stop from my girlfriends.  Instead he has conversations with me about ALL things under the sun, no matter how trivial they may seem.  He is open to discussion about himself and while we are both head strong people he is one hundred percent open to admitting that he has been in the wrong (as have I we are still learning our ups and downs after four months of dating you know).  He does not pout, or get even, he does not yell, throw shit, get mean, get nasty, get jealous, he does not get, get! He instead has the emotional maturity to be in a relationship and this is an amazing quality to find!

3)      HE DOES NOT BACK DOWN.  (Insert Salt and Pepper Lyrics here “What a Man”) The American does not let me boss him around.  I am bossy.  I do not see this as insult either by the way.  Bossy means leadership.  Bossy means courage.  Bossy also means sometimes you are so gung-ho about something you forget there is someone else involved...unfortunately! Sorry!  But, The American has an uncanny ability to say “No Thanks.”  For this I give him mad respect! There is nothing worse than a man who has no passions of his own! No friends, no social life, no drive.  The American says no to doing things that he would just rather not do.  This is awesome! There is nothing sexier than a man who will say “No Thanks” every once and a while.  BUT! A man who always says “No Thanks” IS TERRIBLE! You can not be chasing him all over town while he says no to putting in effort.  There must be balance.  The American has that and for this I will always respect him.

"What a man, what a man, what a man.  What a mighty, mighty good man.  Yes he is."

-Salt'n'Peppa What a Man

4)      HE HAS A BRAIN! Yep, yes he does.  Intellect! Hot damn it is so fine.  There is nothing hotter than a man who has his wits about him!  What’s that you say?  He reads books?  That is my kind of man!! Outside of the fact that the American is intellectual (and successful) He also uses this brain to think of cool things for he and I to do together.  He uses this brain to think while he is out to pick up my favorite drink or candy bar.  He uses this brain to think of me.  This is so flattering.  It is also SUCH A RELIEF! Do you know how tedious it is to be the only person who constantly thinks of what to do?  Or to be the only person who buys small surprises on the regular because you thought of your lover?  IT IS THE WORST.  The American uses his brain to impress me pretty much everyday, but perhaps it is his kind heart in the mix too.

That wraps up my love blog for this week! I hope you learned something about what makes a really great partner and also learned that I care more deeply for The American more and more.  See what is confusing is that women spend their lifetime being programmed that love will knock you right out of your boots, throw you to the moon and then drag you to hell in some kind of twisted Shakespearian love story, but the truth of the matter is sometimes your “lobster” comes knocking with a soft hand.  He makes life easier, he touches your heart every day.  There is no drama, there is no tragedy there is only a growing fondness that blossoms a little more until you really believe that one person might actually be made for you.  You fit together like two happy peas in a pod and that is what makes me crazy for my guy.  Thanks for reading! XOXO 

HELP! I need somebody.

“In my story you're the villain. But in my heart, you're still the reigning King.” 
― Coco J. Ginger

So, WOW! A lot of break ups happening lately! Fortunately not for myself (fingers crossed!!) but it is just when you start to think of all the couples you could be doing coupley things with that those couples will move to Splitzville. In fact last year alone saw the end of Ms. M and Ms. A's extremely long term relationships! It is not so much that you are saddened by the fact that you don't have two more to add to your dates out, not at all, you do after all love the company of your mate.  However, your heart feels heavy for your friend's loss.  Welcome to the awkward post break up period of your friendships.  It is sort of like walking on egg shells, because, while you want to be the supportive friend by telling them how much better off they are, you cannot be the friend who trash talks their ex as at some moments they will be hyper sensitive to your criticism of the man that they still love, but at other times he is the bastard son of Satan, while at other times things are amicable, while at other times...oh yes....it is time to cry over a movie title on Netflix because that was the first movie they saw as a couple.....HELP.  We all need a little help from our friends during these times so the following are three tips on how to survive your friend's break up...while also helping them move on.

“I am torn open, unabridged, hot and a bit crazy inside. This is the feeling which belongs to me, she has always been mine.” 
― Coco J. Ginger

1) FOLLOW THEIR LEAD.  They are on their own emotional roller coaster and we have all been there.  One minute they will be calling you to vent about what an insensitive jerk their Mr. X is and how they are way better off...however the next second they could snap at you for agreeing and tell you that he really is not that bad and how much they miss him.  All you can do (in this approximately one week to six month mourning period) is HOLD ON.  Just remember what it is like to be on that roller coaster.  All breakups take their course and their toll on us differently.  They are ALL difficult and they all teach us something. Some end abruptly with a wave of pain (sort of like ripping off a band aid) while others end slowing and irritatingly...(sort of like slowly pulling a band aid out of your arm hair) Either way you must be supportive of your friends.  Follow their emotional lead and you should be fine.   Make sure to hear what page they are on in their break up manual and always try and be positive about what a great catch they are...even if they are looking at you with doe eyes stained red from crying whilst mascara is streamed all over their flushed face and their mouth is covered with chocolate cake. Now, I am sort of at a loss for those of us who are in turmoil with our friends who constantly are breaking up with their shitty partners.  It is emotionally draining to tell your dear friend how much better off she is all the while wondering if she may just be a glutton for punishment.  I am literally at a fork in the road myself here.  Is it best for one to continue on being the supportive, listening friend (even when the tale is always the same with the same outcome of unhappily ever after)? or is it now best to tell said friends that they are making their beds and they really have to lie in them and find a way to be happy because you are tired of clocking hours on the phone for no point (by no point I mean your words fall on deaf ears and they never change a damn thing)?   At this exact current moment I do not have the answer....perhaps this will be a later blog topic (when to stop feeding the dramatic cycle) BUT! for purposes of this blog I am talking about POST break up, the break up is over, done, fin, ended, no more sagas.  If your friend is full on single and is wallowing in her emotions, then follow her lead.  BUT IF she is tied up in some break up-make up cycle then I just don't know what advice to give...yet.


“He loved me. He loved me, but he doesn't love me anymore, and it's not the end of the world.” 
― Jennifer Weiner, Good in Bed

2) BE POSITIVE! At this point in time your friend is most likely Negative Nancy.  All one can do is reaffirm to her that she is super awesome! And this is going to be a challenge.  But, you know what I remember most distinctly from my break ups?  That my friends think the world of me.  That my friends every day told me how incredible I am and still do.  That they reached out and said "Hey! You are great!"  These are words we need to hear when we are broken.  Breakups tear you down, they toss you up inside, they teach you your faults, they make you look in the mirror and they make you hurt.  Break ups are life affirming lessons that are the hardest to endure but you know what softens their blow?  Compliments! Positive beautiful words from people that mean them and that matter! I can not even remember if my friends agreed that my exes were real bastards when I felt that way or not, but what I do remember were the kind and unique words they spoke to me about my life and that they truly thought I was beautiful and amazing.  And, of course at first you think that they are just trying to cheer you up but then gradually you realize they think these things of you all the time! Why?  Because they are true! You start to realize that your life is very much the great moment they praise it to be and that you will never be alone or rejected by the people in your life that think the world of you! And, what about that! The more positive feed back and help you give your friend the better off she will be and you know what?  The more kind words you say the better you will feel just in general!


“She had missed him so long now, that the feeling had become a part of her. As each day passed, the missing distanced itself from her heart. One day she woke, and realized the missing was there but the pain was gone. Missing without pain is tolerable. Pain linked to heartache is intolerable.”
― Coco J. Ginger

3) JUST KEEP LISTENING.  Now only if her relationship is completely over do this, as I am still not sure if listening to someone in a break up-makeup cycle is inabling or not...as discussed above. BUT! If your friend is truly heart broken from a full on break up than she needs to vent..and vent....and vent. Guess what?  all this venting is therapy.  Every word you listen to and she gets out gets her one more step to getting over Mr. Wrong.  All one can do is listen to her vent as much as she needs to.  She is venting for several reasons: 1) Therapy as mentioned.  Getting it all out, expressing frustration, pain, hurt, anger.  The thing is she could of been suffocated for years in her past fling with no method of expressing her feelings so she is in a state of self actualization and life change.  She is about to realize true happiness, self expression, sexual freedom, she is about to become a pheonix of change and she is going to want to express all the negative and positive feelings she has about these things.  And, 2) She has just lost the one person she vented to on the regular, even if she was censored in her interactions with her Mr. X that does not mean she did not have someone to talk with everyday.  Now, that is gone.  This can be an incredibly lonely sensation so she will be texting and calling you letting you know about this.  The BEST thing you can do is listen and let her know she is not alone. Once again think about how you felt when you lost your Mr. X and you realized you no longer had anyone who texted you everyday to ask about your day.  It is essential that during this revelation we keep in touch with our post break up friends.

The best thing about break ups is that they are lessons.  Man, are they ever.  The person you become after them is you becoming more and more defined by life.  Breakups are part of life and so are relationships.  And, like I said before just because you broke up does not you did not succeed! Not all tries are going to end in a happily ever after.  In fact I would argue the less success you have the more you learn until you are ready to be alone or with someone.  You must, must be in love with being single before you can be in love being with any one.  It is all a learning curve and it is all part of making you who you need to be.  So, help your friend through her rough spots because she is learning just as much as we all are and we all need a help from our friends!