Got Dumped?

So you may have guessed from the obvious title that yes HD kicked me to the curb.  And, while I am sure he thought he was doing me a favor feeding me b#llshit excuses in the end there is actually only one reason.  He just wasn't into me.  The following are three break up excuses I would like to blow holes through. 

1) It's me not you, is just about as  bad as I don't want to hurt you.  The only thing HD and men like him don't want is to continue dating you.  They use this excuse to take the blame.  And, maybe it is because they are nice but more likely it is because if they spoke the truth and said "Hey, you're great but I am not interested" they might die from an overload of reality.  

2) I don't know what I want.  Oh he knows.  Just like he knows what he wants to eat for breakfast in the morning.  And, yes I have time and time again fallen for this stupid line and pressed to see where things go only to hear it again because I may not be smart when it comes to matters of the heart.  Men know what they want, and what they want is to not date you.

3) I really like you but...if you hear this just hang up or don't read past the but.  Trust me if he actually liked you he wouldn't follow it with some lame break up line.  In fact if he likes you he will move mountains to be with you, not construct mountains between you.  Men say they like you so they look like the good guy.  Because to say "I don't like you" aka the truth is beyond the men I date.  To be honest and just say what they actually mean is apparently impossible.  Therefore saying the exact opposite of what they feel makes perfect sense.

Recap: where to begin with my latest failure.  I once again forgot I don't need to win someone over the right person will  not need that kind of treatment.  Basically HD led me to believe he was ready to have a relationship with me when he wasn't.  Important to note he is most likely ready for a relationship, the issue is the with me.  The more I think about it most things about him were a lie, from his profile to god knows what.  But, he sure was pretty.  Don't worry while I am irritated I won't give up.  Still have a few fish on the back burner I kept for a rainy day.  A girl has got to keep her options open after all.  Thanks for reading!! XO

Space, the final frontier...

Or the infamous words of Salt'n'Pepper "Push it"

The Push-Pull Effect, we have all experienced it on some level.  One moment you are sailing happily into the endless realm of what could be with your new man but suddenly he pulls the plug.  You are left with no wind your sail wondering what the hell happened.

1) Right in the feels.  Once again we learn that men and women process their emotions differently (shocking).  When women start to have feelings they feel happy and hopeful.  While it would appear as though some men freak out.  According to countless sources while women feel the beginnings of love and are able to handle this men have the opposite reaction.  There does not seem to be one solid basis to explain this reaction.  There were numerous discussion about this topic both with my friends and online and it appears when some men have feeling they are like "What the f#ck was that?"  They step back to process what they are feeling and why.  Don't worry either they will figure out it was their feelings working or they will run away, for your sake I always hope it is the former.

2) They have issues.  Yes, men have just as many issues from former heart break as their female counterparts which can often be difficult to understand for women.  In a society which constantly presses the matter as women have baggage and issues I assure you in your 30s there is no single serving of mancake that does not come with some left over icing he is sensitive about.  I think that point one (above) is heavily linked to this.  He starts to feel towards you and when he pulls away to think rather than remembering how fun falling in love can be he freaks out.  He suddenly remembers all the bad and the ugly and hurt and discomfort that comes with falling out of love.  He recalls his battles and reflects on his scars and the truth is some people are too broken to love.  They have been beaten into a million little pieces and they just cannot try, no matter how wonderful they are.

3) You went Crazytown.  Last but most definitely NOT least you pulled when he pulled or you pushed to hard.  Essentially picture a swinging door with a handle and two people trying to open it by pulling, it doesn't work.  Or when one person slams it open the other side is crushed and not happy.  I often struggle with not grabbing my bazooka and blasting through the door to see what solution can be found to help the person on the other side, pretty well obliterating any chance of anything surviving.  We are all a work in progress.  It is in our nature as someone we care about pulls away to try and pull them back to us.  We do all kinds of crazy things, and while all sources say when he pulls away let him I find this solution so insensitive.  Just let him process his emotions for sure but to just let him pull away and leave him is such a strange but apparently necessary approach.  According to men I spoke to and online sources men need time to miss you and come to their own conclusions about you without you getting their face.  While he pulls away you may want to pull him close and try everything in your power to keep him which is apparently the wrong course of action – this one I am still working on.  Space, some people need it.

Space is such a strange concept when all you want is to hear from your love interest and be near them.  While you may see them pulling away as them not feeling the same way it apparently does indicate they feel.  Sadly they just cannot process their feelings the way you are.  Rather than want to see you they want to protect themselves and you from this treacherous possibility of love.  Hang in there.  Some men are not going to be easy.  Thanks for reading! XO

If you want blood, you got it.

Ugh nothing is worse than your first disagreement hands down.  Suddenly the anxiety of joy over his first morning text is soured into wondering if you will hear from him again.  And, let's be honest you are not going to agree on everything and love the way you treat each other 24/7.  While most of your friends are in long term relationships they have completely forgotten the sensation of the first time you butt heads with your man.  While those women who are single have also forgotten that this too is part of the dating routine.  But, it is so essential to be blunt to have this moment.  It defines your entire relationship and brings out the level of respect you have for one another for the following three reasons.

1) You FINALLY disagreed.  The honeymoon period is so glorious that you really don't care to fret or worry and you just sail along sweet as honey until one day both of you have a bad day and maybe you haven't seen each other in a while and maybe a million small factors are adding up and they make you not as easy going with one another.  You come to a stand still.  And, it is entirely possible that one of you tries to deescalate the situation by making a joke which makes the other think they are not being taken seriously…release the hounds.  And, the first infraction is not important enough to actually get angry but it is enough to exchange words and apologies.  Congratulations! You are adults.  You disagreed on something that meant something to one, or both of you and you worked it out.  This is a HUGE step in the future of how you will interact upon disagreements.  If your disagreement ended with guilt, anger, someone's house on fire you are not passing this level very well.  If your disagreement ended with the exchange of apologies and feeling generally happy about the other person then you are doing pretty great.

2) R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  Nothing says respect like communication.  If you are able to come to a disagreement or an issue that makes you unhappy and hash it out you probably respect one another.  If you did not drag things out, place blame, retaliate with a master plan of revenge or any other semi-psychotic plan than you probably respect your partner.  I learned through losing The American not to drag things out, to apologize back and to focus on the good in a person.  I gained nothing by dragging things out, in my mind I thought I really had to prove my point but in the end it was a huge waste of time and energy.  But, this is too easy to do in the beginning.  You want to always be around your new beau so you quickly forgive and forget anything that isn’t sunshine, lollypops and rainbows, it is maintaining this forgiveness throughout your relationship that can be the challenge.  Don’t lose something special because you wanted to be right.

3) Adulting.  While I do think that you should apologize, communicate openly and forgive each other I also think it is crucial do so in a way that is not for your own power.  It is 100 percent normal for your new dating situation to result in some kind of feelings that may not be kittens and rainbows.  And, it is vital for the health of yourself and your new relationship that you express these feelings.  Do not push things down, if something bothers you speak up in a non-accusing manner and say "Hey, I feel this way about this." and if the person you are with is an adult they will say "Hey, sorry about this" and away you go.  However, if you are dating a douche when you say "I feel this way" they will respond "Well that is because you are crazy, or over reacting, or sensitive…etc"  A douche will blame your feelings on you rather than acknowledging that he should apologize and vice versa.  Be an adult.  Talk about your feelings the good and the bad.  Be kind.  Don't be a douche.

And, as you can probably HD and I had a bad day.  Independently of one another that peaked in a short series of texts which ended in apologies.  It was nothing major and was actually probably nothing to do with either of us, but when you have a bad day it is hard to be yourself and enjoy the honey moon.  HD in the end surprised me (as usual) with his thoughtful cool head I am thankful.  Thanks for reading! XO

Rose Colored Glasses

While the honeymoon period of dating can be awesome.  It can also be full of confusion and anxiety.  While you may have guessed Old Blue Eyes ghosted never to be heard from again I saved HD (Hot Dad) through it all because he stood out among the rest.  The following are three things I had forgotten in my prolonged single state that now come to surface:

1) Let's talk about sex, baby.  As I amp up for my third date with HD I found myself questioning my girlfriends when they had sex with their men.  Their answers ranged from two weeks to six months! I went online to research what the dating norm was and apparently four and a half dates...whatever a half date is!  So I decided to hear my one friends advice of when I am ready I will know.  Trusting someone to not use you and throw you away like an old boot is what I now need.  Suddenly you miss quick hook ups from the pub because while they usually end tragically the stress of when to hook up is out of the equation.

2) Text me, damn it!! Suddenly you find yourself eagerly staring at your phone waiting to hear from them like a mad man.  When they text you the wave of relief is so rewarding.  Often I wait to text back, not to play a game but just too enjoy feeling sane for ten minutes of the day.  Anxiety over rejection runs high when you are starting to date someone.  What if they think you are just a total weirdo? Worse, what if they are not a weirdo? And too many questions linger in your little lunachick mind.  Take a deep breath.  Step away from your phone and remember you do have a life outside of him.

3) What does it all mean? And, you are left wondering if they feel the same.  You have no idea.  Do yourself a huge favor. Don't rush and don't take your friends advice.  The truth is if he is truly into you.  You will know.  If he texts you to have a great day and asks how your day is then he is probably thinking of you.  But, the truth is only time can tell you what it all meant and how much he cares.  Fortunately HD says all the right things and I am looking forward to seeing him.

Dating is crazy and unnerving but in the end so worth it! It is such a nice idea to get to know an attractive man on the weekends then spending them alone.  Thanks for reading!! XO

To ghost or not to ghost?

So I had some very interesting conversations with different men after my last blog regarding ghosting and have to say I yet again learned something interesting about the differences between women and men.  While all the women I spoke to agreed that ghosting was hurtful and would have appreciated being let down gently, men were living in a different world on the topic.  I guess men actually may be from Mars.  The men who approached me about the topic and vice versa had the following perspectives:

1) It is just part of dating.  Having had been out of the dating game with The American for such a long time I had forgotten this fact.  And, while I seriously dislike this aspect of dating, the guys who talked to me about this were correct.  Ghosting is part of our modern dating culture.  Obviously, we have the term "ghosting" it is such a inevitable possibility.  But, that doesn't mean that it is right.  While yes I agree it is a popular dating phenomenon I do really feel that it is not a positive trend.  It is like that old saying "If everyone jumped off a bridge would you."  Just because everyone is doing it doesn't make it right.  I see this trend more and more for asinine activities.  Do yourself a favor and try stand out in a crowd of ghosts.

2) It is kinder than telling someone you're not interested.  This excuse was the most valid offered and I had honestly not thought of it until it came out of the mouth of one of my male participants.  He said "Well it is nice to not say anything than tell someone you are not interested in them."  Then I thought of my mother and her "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" advice and for one moment thought "Alright.  Alright then." In this one case and point ghosting can be seen as the humane thing to do.  While personally I think the most humane thing is to be complimentary and let the person down I can see how saying nothing can be viewed as being kind.

3) They were afraid they would have an awkward conversation.  This same subject then gave me the reason that he also was afraid the woman would become combative.  Okay, so I have said this a million times and I am going to say it one last time (or probably one more million times).  Don't do the crime if you cannot do the time.  I see so many people complaining that they lead someone one and then that person had feelings for them and they were hurt and said "crazy" things to them.  Oh boohoo.  Grow up.  It is called being an adult.  Feedback is part of life.  If you don’t like, then don't lead people on, and don't date is my advice.  Any man who actually thinks that avoiding women rather than having a conversation with them is better is not worth your time. Unless she stabbed you with a fork get over it.  Also, so she said some things that made you feel badly for hurting her feelings.  You probably deserved to think for a moment about those feelings and how your actions were affecting others anyway.  I mean seriously.  Seriously.

So in the end while I did rethink ghosting and do now believe that some men may honestly think they are doing the kind thing, in general though I still think it is a real sh#t thing to do to anyone.  Personally I will not be part of the trend and still maintain that a quick and kind message letting the person know you are not interested is just as effective, in fact, more so than ghosting.  And, for the love of Pete try and just be honest, don't create some other love interest or that you unexpectedly leaving the country…we are all adults let's try like acting like them.  Thanks for reading! XO

Here Fishy, Fishy, Fishy...

Online dating taught me so much once again.  As promised in my last post my dating life in a nutshell and what I learned:

Fish #1 (afternoon weekday coffee) Was a tall, handsome, preppy, professional but there was no chemistry (shoes are a huge indicator to me for chemistry by the way, and I mean style, not size) and he claimed to have met someone shortly after so water under the bridge.

Fish #2 (afternoon weekend lunch) - Mr. Bad Teeth was a lovely date.  He was kind, brought flowers (anyone that knows me, knows this is a HUGE gesture to win me over, I almost cried).  But, again no physical connection on my part. (Teeth and smile are also huge, don't think I am shallow we all have our turn ons).

Fish #3 (tea after work, he "forgot" his wallet)- I had to give this tadpole the benefit of the doubt because he is young but once again zero attraction on my part, (it is so curious when men grow straggly pre-pubescent facial hair).  Furthermore, it was the strangest date I have ever had which involved him signing Ed Sheran songs on the seawall and then me awkwardly dismissing his attempt at a kiss....three strikes and I am out? Not quite.

Fish #4 (concert and dinner) - Had nice teeth and two dates but physically I just couldn't do it.  He introduced me to a great band we went on two dates, the second we grabbed a bite.   He was an extremely sweet fish but I need chemistry. 

Fish #4 - score (after work coffee) Now this fish is officially called Hot Dad.  Just when I thought about giving up this gorgeous guy popped in to bring sexy back.  We had a coffee at a great bakery and have another date coming up. (But that perfect smile and the way his T-shirt hugged those abs...damn).  One in four odds aren't that bad. 

Fish #5 -(weekday lunch) Mr. Brazil also gets hotness points as well as he was very good at conversation.  We had lunch on a work day and have a possible second date soon.  My odds are getting better.

Fish #6 - (weekend coffee and a beer on a patio) No dice. Friend zoned.  Teeth again and also I like a guy with a larger upper body.  He doesn't need a six pack (not that if he had one I would complain!) But the arms have to be just right.  Alright, fine, I am shallow. 

But in the middle of all my cute dates I was distracted by the most beautiful eyes in this city (possibly the world).  Paired with a smile that could make you forget your own name I remembered that there is nothing like chemistry.  First time meeting flirtations and questions are so much more than online meetings will ever be.  And, his eyes are too good to be associated with a fish, I call him Mr. Blue Eyes.   And, regardless of the fact that he never called he reminded me of two things a) light eyes and dark hair are my kryptonite and b) even unsuccessful first meeting are better than no chemistry at all. 

In the end Mr. Blue Eyes reminded me that chemistry is key. Mr. Blue Eyes got me out if my funk and reminded me of how delightful it is to get out and meet someone face to face.  Whether he calls or never calls I had forgotten that meeting men in person was easy and actually fun. Thanks for reading! XO

The Weird World of Online Dating...Revisited

So let's be honest you reach an age where suddenly you feel old and outdated at the club.  I recall the exact moment in time a few years ago when a 19 year old bought me a shot.  We took them together and then he puked beside the bar.  At this moment in time I realised two things: a) I am too old for this sh#t and b) the bar may not produce the most suitable mates.  In March I reactivated my online dating profile and told myself I would master the world of online dating.  After all it can't be that bad can it?  I know you are possibly thinking I went down this road a long time ago when I first moved here, but let’s face it when I first moved here I was a hot mess.  Now that I am in the right mind frame I think I finally get how this all works.   The following are three tips I have discovered that have enabled me to say that online dating is not all bad.

1) Bring on the crazy.  Prepare yourself for all kinds of men hitting on you.  Why?  Because you are gorgeous and awesome.  But, do not feel compelled to give all weirdos a try.  I have had many bizarre messages and you are going to have to put in some time and effort and weed out the crazy.  Also, bear in mind that some of the crazy may come across as so because online dating can be awkward for some.  For me personally I know what I am looking for and that I am a good catch.  It helps if you have a healthy self-esteem and are happy in your life.  When someone who is off the wall messages you, you can easily block them OR you can message them and hope they go away (I have noticed the former is the least amount of stress and works best).  The heart of the issue is you are opening yourself up to the internet (I currently have 952 people who want to meet according to the "Meet Me" option).  Seriously think about this, almost one thousand people want to meet you, you are bound to have a few odd ducks that are not for you.  You have to realize this is not a Disney Fairy Princess moment, this is online dating.  It is strangers looking for a connection and more often than not there are going to be some WTF was that moments.  Brace yourself.

2) Talk it out.  Recently I was talking to my girlfriend Ms. J and I told her "It is really amazing how men really only give a damn when they want to sleep with you."  Online dating is like any dating.  Men who are truly not looking for a booty call or nude pictures will soon lose interest and teeter into the land of creepers with their creeper friends to troll another day.  Chat until you exchange numbers and be prepared for creepiness.  Perhaps #1 should have been beware of creepers but that is really only one side of this dating site and there is a lot more crazy out there.  I will share the signs I have noticed that have been huge creepy red flags.  Any texts that mention pleasure – if a guys says anything about pleasure abandon ship.  He is looking to get sexty.  Some men will ask you for shirtless photographs – I feel like this goes without saying, but again abandon ship.  AND, I GET IT.  Some of you are thinking but I haven’t had any action in a while and maybe I want to get sexty.  Don't do it.  I haven't touched a man in five long months, my dreams have become ridiculous fantasies that leave my mind distraught.  BUT, you ask yourself would you like a moment of sexual attention or the possibility of a life time of amazing moments?   If you wait it out and have real conversations you will strongly increase your chances of escaping Creepytown unscathed and you will have real dates with real men who will appreciate your time.

3) Prepare for the worst.  I think this would be a given but I will share this with you anyways.  Most pictures have been photo-shopped (I know GET OUT!!) but seriously.  Often the person you meet in person is going to be a few pounds heavier, have terrible teeth, actually be between jobs, sometimes the dating game is the good, the bad and the ugly. Some times you get to the date and you think “Sweet Pete! Who is that?”  Oddly enough you have not been catfished but basically it feels like it.  I am sorry but this is more often than not the case.  I went on a date with a guy who from his pictures seemed super cute but in person his teeth were horrifying and her wore skull rings.  Rings with skulls on them are not my jam.   But, it was still a pleasant date which I invested an hour and a half in at a cute diner because while you may think my words were harsh above they are the truth.  Teeth are a big seller for me, we all have our turn ons and pearly whites are one of mine.  I definitely did not and will not tell this gentlemen I found his smile to be ghastly, but rather I thanked him for the nice time and told him we did not have enough in common to see each other again.  Don’t be a dick.  If the picture does not meet your expectation be polite.  You are setting yourself up for terrible karma.  Wouldn’t you rather have a nice date with a dream boat that ended with him saying he did not think you had a good future than have that dream boat look you in the face and say “Good god no” and walk away?  Of course you would.  Treat others how you would like to be treated, and BE PREPARED for some unattractive times ahead.

In the end online dating is as frustrating as real life dating.  I think that women sit down and plug in their wants and their own info and they think "Presto" where is my dream man.  No.  This is not how life works.  You are essentially your own match making service online.  You have to sift through hundreds of applicants and decide who is worth meeting.  Then you also have to endure the meet ups and make your own pro and cons lists and decide what you want and don't want from each date.  It is a long process.  But, you’re worth it.  You can pay a match maker $1500.00 for three dates in this city or you can get motivated that you can and will meet someone worth your time.   I am gearing up to write a brief synopses of my dates as of late and all the knowledge these encounters have given me, so stay tuned! Thanks for reading XO