Sex Let's Talk about it

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” 
― Oscar Wilde

Alright, so I know this title sounds sexy! But, what really got me fuming lately was an article I read on some ridiculously chauvinistic web site that literally made my blood boil but also made me laugh at all the ignorant (no doubt SINGLE FOR LIFE) people in agreement that sex is some kind of duty we all should preform regardless of being in the mood.  SO! I am here to lay out some damn principles that I have come to learn both on my own and through conversing with my friends about how to keep sex in your relationship WITHOUT pressure, guilt trips, threats, and all the other absurd tools we have learned as a society to force our will on others. Wouldn't it be so nice to live in a healthy sex life with your partner free of ridicule and all this B.S I watch on TV, the web, and mass media.  Enough is enough.  So the following are three actions I guarantee will improve the quality of your sexual relations and in return make you a better lover.

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” 
― Tom Robbins

1) Honesty (I know, I know this is my main point for everything) maybe I should say acceptance.  Acceptance of what your partner says they would like to have in the bedroom. Now, if you are with someone and they are into something you are really not into than you have to figure out how or if it will work on your own.  But, the following is my fear (and a reality for too many) in situations where sexuality is not compatible.  The first being, you reach a compromise, perhaps your partner really likes something and you don't but you love them and they do things that they don't like for you so you do it anyways.  This makes me SO UNCOMFORTABLE on so many levels for too many reasons to get into here.  The main point is that both people in your equation should be comfortable with your sexual acts.  One should not be sacrificing their desires to appease the other.  In an ideal union you will have the same desires.  The second problem I worry about in the "they want it but I don't" scenario is that you flat out say no without any understanding.  Truth be told their can be a marvelous middle ground met between your desires that would bring you both to new heights that you are both comfortable with.  BUT! you will never know this pleasure and happiness unless you open your mouth and tell your partner what turns you on and what you are simply not interested in doing.   Flat out rejecting someone's fantasy will make them feel demolished (it takes guts to put your fetishes out there to be judged) in particular when these fantasies are said looking for acceptance in someone else.  So, while I say never sacrifice your sexual comfort zones! I do say talk it out until you know where you are both comfortable.  I honestly think not enough people in this world are HONEST about sex and what they want, how they want it, when they want, etc.  Please be open, be honest, and don't allow miscommunications ruin your chances of sexual happiness. 

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.” 
― Mae West

2) BE REALISTIC.  Here we go.  Unless you are a porn star your life is NOT a porn movie.  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.  However, you are most lucky if you are finding yourself in a steady relationship with a woman that you are both attracted to and enjoy her company that will be intimate with you on a regular basis.  Congratulations! You actually have the ability to have sex, not just any old sex either, meaningful sex with someone you like when you are sober.  Now, take this person as they are.  They are not some object who enjoys being degraded, they are not some film star that you think you can do what you saw on the internet with.  No.  Realize that you are in reality where you are dating a real woman who deserves respect.  Newsflash: If you were actually dating a porn star you would have to be alright with her having gang bangs and a whole slue of other things that...I am guess you probably do not want.  So, be real.  Your lover is not an object, she is a person (F.Y.I porn stars are real people too who probably don't want what you see on screen in reality either).  Women deserve to be treated like we are worth the sun and moon.  Do not try and treat her like she is anything less or you do not deserve her.  Now, if you two are both into kink and you have discussed your limits than of course there are different standards for you BUT there is ALWAYS the standard of respecting the limits your partner has told you about.  Another newsflash if someone is not into anal and actually are stupid enough to think you can "slip it in" stealthy, you are first and most importantly an idiot, and secondly, violating trust and boundaries...don't do it man. (You may be laughing but you have NO IDEA how many women have told me this).  The person you are with has expressed their limits than you need to respect that they are a consenting adult and know what they want.  Treat them as such and never pressure or bad talk someone into preforming sexually for your pleasure, this is one sided and not what sex is about. Oh ya and DON'T be pushy!!!! If you are pushy you will never know if someone is happy or just giving in because they don't want to be pushed around and that is just wrong. There is such a sense of entitlement that is disgusting, in the above mentioned chauvinistic article in the intro.

“We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

3) It takes two.  I am not sure why some men feel sex is all about them and has nothing to do with their partner's pleasure but it is completely absurd.  Basically selfish lovers are not good in bed according to every person who ever had the misfortune of meeting one.  So in order to not be a selfish lover listen to the person you are intimate with! I mean listen to everything, their breathing, AND their body.  Here is the thing getting off comes in all shapes and sizes, from screaming out, to heavy breathing to even sometimes holding one's breath.  There is no one sure fire way that sex will be. If you want to have more sex than get in tune with your partner and make sure you are both having as much fun as one another.  If you are in a passionless union sex becomes a chore.  A chore that you do because you might possibly get off or because you feel obligated after so many years together or whatever.  This means that sex will never be as good because the passion is gone.  Don't lose the passion by making sure that you pleasure one another EQUALLY.  There is no excuse for sex to be one sided.  There is no reason not to enjoy sex period.  Sex should be sexy and make everyone involved feel that way. Sex should be passionate, and sex should be amazing.  If you are setting for anything less than it is no wonder you are having to use maneuvers to coerce sex from your partner.  Be a good lover and your lover will want to see you naked. 

“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.”
― Hunter S. Thompson

There you have it.  I am so tired of hearing reasons for having sex.  You know the only reason to have sex?  Is because you want to have sex period.  There are so many ridiculous excuses and guilt trips and impropriety I hear all the time that make me so angry.  Sex is not a chore.  Sex should never be expected.  Sex is not yours to take.  Sex is a mutual decision between two people because they want to.  Listen to one another, and I mean actually hear what you want in the bedroom.  Be an amazing lover by using respect and intimacy.  The truth is if someone needs an excuse to sleep with you than you are very far from amazing.  There is only one true reason to get intimate and that is because you are both turned on and ready to go! Anything else is just bad sex.  Today I finally get to visit Ms. M! Can't wait to hear here new adventures in romance and be blog inspired. Until next week thanks for reading! XO

Citations:
All images are from Google Pictures. 

You are NUMBER ONE!

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."
Lucille Ball 

In connection to my previous cheating post I realized something.  Self fulfillment is crucial to all aspects of life not just romance.  So the following three points are tips on how to love yourself completely:

1) Forgive yourself.  Here is the thing we are not perfect.  No one is.  We have all made mistakes.  We have all been a person we are not proud of.  We can all think of a moment we would really like to take back.  Now, you can wallow in these moments and let them define you, OR you can realize you are more than what you use to be.  Every second of every day we are learning and growing.  So maybe you use to be late for work everyday and you did a piss poor job but one day you realized that you are fortunate to have a boss who puts up with you.  One day you think you will be different.  Congratulations.  It is NEVER TO LATE TO TRY.  But, you have got to forgive yourself.  Forgive your past indescretions, your unfaithfullness, your jealousy, your cruel words.  Kiss all those negative moments good bye.  Realize that every single person around the world has had a bad moment.  Every single being breathing would like to take something back and forgive.  Forgive what you use to think was fun or good if you realized it actually hurt others.  Forgive.  Beating yourself up every day over the past is futile.  It was Ghandi who so wisely said "Be the change that you wish to see in the world."  He was right.  Start today, start right now.  Or if you are lucky you have already started.  Shed your old dead, beaten, broken self and realize that all that shit doesn't matter.  We all have baggage and we have bull shit we would LOVE to hold onto because they are EXCUSES to be miserable.  Why?? Because not forgiving yourself means you never have to try.  Not forgiving yourself means never feeling worth your own love or anyone else's.  NOT forgiving yourself means self sabotage. Not forgiving yourself means living in the ever dramatic full of distractions.  Let go.  Forgive yourself and realize that letting go of your past and looking forward to your future is the right direction to be headed!

"Don't look back, you are not going that direction."
-Unknown


2) Treat people the way you want to be treated.  So here is what I blogged about a while ago was having an epiphany to cut back on meaningless interactions with people who never tried to maintain my relationship with them.  (Insert confidence boosting applause here!)  Why?  Because, I am worth it.  I am worth not exerting energy into rejection.  But, you know what else I realized?  I need to stop being a flake.  Yes that is right.  While I was pooring energy into meaningless transactions I was not really trying with my true friends 100 percent. I would cancel plans or just make empty promises because for some reason I felt this was trying at least.  Then I would get the same treatment back and I was fine with this because I was flaky.  Until I realized that I want more.  I want more from myself.  If I am too tired to go for a planned run with a friend than I will ask them to tea instead.  I am no longer thinking honesty is enough. It is a key factor as it always is but it is NOT ENOUGH.  Actions! And, so I started to put more effort, more compliments, more communications, more attention into the friends of mine who truly deserve it.  Because, they have always been good to me.  And, you know what?  It is working.  It is helping ME feel better about ME! Which is very important to confidence and self love.  I realized that when I commute that extra hour to see my girlfriend for a tea it feels really good to put effort in.  WAY BETTER than bailing and being honest ever did.  I realized this after several friends were flaky towards me that their lack of texting back, and telling me reasons for bailing really did feel pretty crap.  But, when they made small plans in exchange on the same day that were like negotiations due to time, money, energy, I felt good about their effort.  They were making me feel really appreciative of their time.  That is when I realized THIS IS HOW I AM MAKING PEOPLE FEEL.  From now on treat people the way you want to be treated.

"If you can learn to love yourself and all the flaws, you can love other people so much better. And that makes you so happy."
Kristin Chenoweth 

3) Stay true to yourself.  This is key in feeling good about yourself! DO NOT LOSE YOURSELF AMONG OTHERS THEY ARE NOT YOU.  Stay polite if you can ideally but always, always, always stay true to yourself.  Your opinions are going to change because you will be learning constantly from life, I am not saying stay the same.  But, stay true to what your head and heart are telling you.  For example, if you REALLY do not want to go to a certain event because you do not want to run into a bad past fling there, don't.  If you think that violence towards women is something that needs advocating, than do.  If you feel like your racist coworker should not voice their opinions by the water cooler, tell them.  Always be true to yourself is what I am saying.  Do not stifle yourself because you want to fit in, or be 'cool' or whatever you are telling yourself is 'better' than your feelings. Nothing is better than how you feel for you.  No one can tell you what to do, but you.  You are the best navigator for your life ship.  No one else.  AND! Listening to social norms, popular beliefs, loved ones, or peer pressure to do things you really are not comfortable doing is TERRIBLE!! Stand up for what you want for you.  Stand up for what you think is just.  Stand up for what you love.  DO NOT let anyone take away from you your right to be complete.  You deserve to be the way you are in your entirety.  AND if that means that you like to read graphic novels and dress in cape in your spare time because it makes you happy than by all means do it! If this means you love to eat foods others deem strange, eat them.  As long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else than f*ck what anyone thinks about what you like to do.  The moment we stop doing what makes us truly happy is the moment we may as well lay down and give up on life.  Stay true to your passions, stay true to your loves, stay true to you.  Being anyone else won't work.

"Be strong, believe in freedom and... love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family."
Madonna Ciccone 

In the end I would like to leave you with the lesson I learned this past year, stop obsessing over what others will think.  You know it took me a long time to realize this did not mean strangers on the street with superficial observations BUT rather what people you care about think.  People who actually care about you will only care about one thing and that is your happiness.  Everything else is just bullshit.  Thanks for reading! XO

The Politics of Cheating

“Cheating and lying aren't struggles, they're reasons to break up.” 
― Patti Callahan Henry, Between The Tides

So I know I blogged about my shady past and the issues of infidelity and boredom.  However, I recently came to a whole new level of self awareness that made me realize that people cheat because they are searching for something.  Their lives are not complete!  I realized this not because I have cheated on The American, I have not even dreamed of this as he is too good for such petty actions! But, what I realized was all around me infidelity flourished and I had to often not been satisfied by monogamy.  You know what?  It is not your partner when you cheat it is you.  There is something in you yearning for more.  And, I am here to tell you that you are never going to find it in someone else.  If you are searching for what makes you happy look for further than the mirror.  The answer is you.  I realized in the past I had been incomplete.  I had not thought that highly of myself or loved myself as much as I do now. AND! I do not mean cheap ego manical love, I mean really meaningful love that makes you realize you can be happy alone and that you deserve the best.  Some people go their whole lives never feeling this and for these people my heart aches! The following are three things I discovered about cheating.

“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.” 
― Cheryl Hughes

1) Communication break down.  Now previously I may have blamed someone else for this, but, you know whose fault my failed communication is?  My own. This has taken me 32 years of life and 17 of dating to figure out! And yet it is so simple.  Here is the thing when someone is not hearing you, instead of getting all upset that they "never listen" and storming into the arms of someone else...who let's be honest will probably soon be painted with your "non-listening" brush try and sort out what is up with you.  What is up with you?  My dear friend recently told me that life keeps throwing us the same screw ups until we learn from them and you know she is right.  It is not because we keep attracting people that are not listening, but rather the opposite.  We have stopped growing in our ability to communicate.  Here is what I am trying and you can try it or not it is completely up to you.  With The American I tell him all my feelings good and bad about everything from fried eggs to literature.  He is in agreeance that such communication is also a good idea and therefore thus far there has not been any miscommunication we have not spoken of.  Keep your lines open! But, here is the thing if you try this approach it is some what difficult because you are not always going to know exactly what you want from how you feel and exactly how to communicate but the fact that you try is keeping you faithful I gaurantee.  Cheating is a biproduct of communication break down.  You lose sight of how to hear and speak to one another you become distant and frustrated and often instead of trying to work these feelings out.  And, I mean really work them out, you turn to someone else to work you out.  Try communicating all your ups and downs to prevent harbouring ill emotions.

“When people cheat in any arena, they diminish themselves-they threaten their own self-esteem and their relationships with others by undermining the trust they have in their ability to succeed and in their ability to be true.” 
― Cheryl Hughes

2) Bring sexy back! Okay if you have lost that sexy feeling than guess what?  You have also lost some self esteem.  This is very unfortunate! So yes you can try and search for sexy in others but let me tell you, you will more often than not end up unfufilled.  Why?  Because the only person that can truly realize how hot you are is you.  That is right.  You know what to wear, say, etc to feel sexy.  AND! When you feel sexy! and I mean you are so full of sexy you are oozing it, than other people will find you just as sexy as you do.  If on the odd chance they don't f*ck their opinion because not everyone is attracted to everyone else and that is just the way of life.  It does not mean you are not one smokin hot tamale! I would say not only be with someone who makes you feel sexy everyday (of course this is ideal!) but  also be that person to yourself.  The thing is you may be in a stale relationship and feeling frumpy more often than not.  I understand.  I have been there.  Once frumpiness sets in then you gradually care less and less about your morning hair and wholey old jim jam pants that you wear to bed every night, and your sleeping retainer....AND all the things that you use to care about because you felt like you wanted to be sexy.  Notice it is not about someone else.  In the beginning you wanted to be a sex kitten for your lover looking like a foxy minx, but something happened slowly didn't it?  You both started to put on some weight, you both started to let yourselves go and the more you did the worse you felt.  I am not saying that it is wrong to get comfortable but BRING YOUR DAMN SEXY BACK!! What happened you, you sexy little beast?? If you never feel sexy and you search for sexy in someone else than you will be searching a long time because the only person that can truly make you ooze sexy and feel wanted is you.  Don't try and pass the blame on to your partner (unless they are cruel and tell you that you are not sexy! Than run away from that low self esteem train wreck).  In most cases I guarantee if you look in the mirror you will find the person making yourself feel undesired...it is you my lovely. Find your sexy self again, and find it not because anyone else deserves but because you do!


“People generally didn't cheat in good relationships.” 
― Emily Giffin, Something Blue

3) Don't settle. Here we go again but seriously settling is the more detrimental thing you can do to yourself and someone else.  AND! If you are settling for someone than cheating may happen sooner than you think.  I have seen most people I know settle because they have been together a long period of time.  Do you know where they are now?? Divorced after multiple affairs, or separated juggling kids between cities, and so on.  Know your worth and do not cave to selling yourself short for whatever million and one excuses you can insert here for staying with someone that you are not crazy about.  Passion is needed, love is needed, there is a whole list of ingredients for love to flourish and if you are settling you just signed up to let yours die out and become bitter.  While yes all relationships teach us something, this lesson should most certainly NOT be to settle.  Be with someone you are CRAZY about.  Be with someone you truly love.  Be with someone that when you are with them you are not eye f*cking the waitress... that is right.  Fidelity is not actually hard once you realize that your relationship is not about punishing yourself because you might not meet anyone better or treated someone poor in your past.  Being faithful is a walk through Easy Town if you first realize you are worth incredible things in this world and second realize that means never settling.  Be passionate about your love life and your love and you will not be interested in anyone else I promise.

I have come a long way in mentality of cheating this past year.  While I still completely agree if you are straying you are lacking something, I do not fully agree that you can peg it all on your relationship.  You have to share the blame.  You have to ask yourself if you are part of the problem and why?  You will never grow, you will never flourish and you will never be fulfilled if you look at your life through the lens of blaming everyone else around you.  Grow up.  Evolve your life.  I guarantee once you fall in love with your sexy self and communicate openly with no settling fidelity will be as easy as 1...2....3!

I am extremely fortunate that being with The American comes so easily to me.  Ease of communication and lack of any judgement are the basis for open communication so I hope that you all find ease and happiness! But never have I been dating someone that has made me feel this way.  I am not saying I have not met men that have not been worthy (while I truly don't think I did) I WAS NOT WORTHY to find fidelity because I was all screwed up in my impressions and doubts and lies and the list goes on.  I was not whole.  So now fidelity is easy, in fact I find myself wanting it full time (which is sort of a new trend).  I find myself realizing that falling for someone truly means not wanting anyone else.  But, mostly not wanting anyone but the right one comes from being happy with myself! XO Until next week!

The L Word

“It should be a privilege to be able to say "I love you" to someone. It shouldn't be something people say just because they feel like it. A privilege that is earned. They say you have to earn the right to be loved; no, love is unconditional, if you love someone, they don't have to earn it. But. The right to tell someone that you love them? That has to be earned. You have to earn the right to be believed.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

It is a tricky situation saying the L word first.  That is right "I LOVE you"  and when do you say it.  Recently I slipped it out on auto pilot to The American.  Now, it is important to note my girls and I say it all the time, and family.  It becomes a second nature when you are saying good bye.  Which is of course not how I want the first time I tell someone this to be.  Here was what happened:  He was leaving the house and I was standing in the kitchen, on auto pilot I said "Love you" as he was leaving.  The thing is of course I am falling for The American but when I have fully fallen I want to say these three little words in the right moment.   And, that moment was not it.  He of course back away from the door and asked what I had just said to which I explained the above position.  BUT! It really got me to thinking about the value and the meaning of the L word and how it does so often slip out thoughtlessly into our conversations.  It further made me realize when I say it I want it to have meaning every time to the person I mean it to.  I do not want to be one of those couples who say it all the time just because they do.  No.  I want to say it in those moments when you literally feel over whelmed by it.  You know the moments when you fall deeper and deeper into it and you really mean it.  Of course you always love your loved ones.  But, there are so many moments when we say we love something aren't there?  We love chocolate, movies, actors, songs, clothes....etc....the list goes on and on and on, so I took this week to really research the psychology of the word L-O-V-E and here is what I discovered:

“If people are going to be allowed to say "we love you" and "I love you", they'd better have the backbone to prove it. Love isn't just a word.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

1) Say it when you actually mean it.  I mean really are thinking it and mean it.  Don't just say it like "Oh I LOVE the new song by blah, blah or so and so's new book.  NO.  Own "I love you." Own it like it is a rare gem that you only share with the person it is meant for when you can.  When I see people mumble it while kissing good bye at the bus stop whilst their eyes filled with a million and one ideas about work and not about the person they love I really feel love has lost all meaning.  When my drunken gals say how much they love me I adore hearing it but it really makes me think of how nonchalant this proclamations have become and when I truly love someone I want them to know I say it when I feel it.  We have all felt what I am saying.  You see your love after a terrible day, or you let your mind drift off about them and then you realize how much they warm your heart.  THOSE! Those are the moments.  Yes, yes, I have heard every excuse in the book as too why people say it like they may never see one another again.  What I have to say is would you not rather your loved ones actually feel like they were loved by you because you valued when you said it?  Would you not rather the people you say it to know.  You would never have any doubt if you made these three little words special.  If you expressed your love and you really meant it you would never need an excuse.  The only reason you would have for saying it is that you felt it and you meant it.  Not I was in a hurry and wanted them to know, not they said it first, not a million and one excuses to say something that does not and should not have any other reason to be uttered than the pure fact that you uttered it.  That is it.  Mean it when you say it.  Say it when you mean it.  Feel it when you speak it to the one you love with billions of words to describe positive emotions let's take love back to mean the level it was created to represent or say whatever words you say when you mean you are truly, madly, deeply intoxicated by love with someone when you mean them.

“Sometimes, he thought, real love is silent as well as blind.” 
― Stephen King

2) So here is what I noticed and it drives me crazy Facebook attacks of  I LOVE YOU SO MUCH and blah, blah, blah all over walls.  WOW.  Seriously?  I am not sure why you have to tell your thousand friends everyday how much you love, love, love your man/girl, we get it.  You are in love.  If you really love them then why don't you try showing it with more action than a social media attack.  Try making them a nice dinner, try texting them a personal message, try sending them something nice at work, I don't know what you like or your love likes but I garuantee all you are doing is looking desperate and annoying the piss out of people when you CONSTANTLY proclaim your love all over Facebook.  It is mind boggling anyways, what are you trying to prove?  Are you trying to own your love so that everyone knows that they are taken?  Are you trying to express your crazy obsession with them by letting them know twenty times a day you really, really, really, really love, love, love them??? HOLD UP! You are getting way out there in Crazy Town.  Dial yourself back to reality.  You are most likely over whelming them and over exerting yourself...oh ya...and did I say annoying the piss out of everyone?? Here is the truth, no matter how much you love your love no one really cares to hear about it all day long.  It makes the whole situation clingy and weird.  And, also, I am not sure why you have to tell everyone all day long your feelings but you may want to re-evaluate your relationships with others and make sure that you are fulfilled in life.    This is sort of a repeat of point number one but if you are constantly screaming "I LOVE YOU!" all day all over social media than it has completely lost value by the third or fourth post.  Those three words that are supposed to be sacred for the one you truly do love have no become empty in a news feed along with pictures of cats and Zac Gallifinakas....don't degrade your feelings by making them a social media whore, intensify them by making them special.

"People use the word 'love' a lot of different ways. Take me, for instance. I am often heard saying that I love my mom and dad. I am also often heard saying that I love pizza. 

Next time someone looks deeply into your eyes and says 'I love you', look very deeply right back and say, 'Would that be pizza love, or the real thing?” 
― Mary Beth Bonacci, Real Love: Answers to Your Questions on Dating, Marriage and the Real Meaning of Sex

3) Please stop using "I love you but..." as some sort of false negative or positive thing to start a converstation.  I love you is not a good way to start of saying ANYTHING negative first of all and it most certainly is not a positive way to kick start a conversation about something completely unrelated to love.  I love you IS NOT a statement like "Oh hey you are doing a great job but..." It is not the beginning of positive criticism! And I am not really sure how or why we started to treat it as such.  Really.  It means what it means.  I love you does not mean anything else.  Nor should it.  It would be really strange if your boss walked up to you and said "I love you but you really need to focus on these TPS reports..." and yet it is okay for your lover to walk up to you and say "I love you but you really need to scrape your plate after dinner into the trash."  Do you see that?  I love you just got tossed in with dirty dishes and trash...how romantic and sincere.  Separate out your criticism and try something like "I really appreciate that you took out the trash, would you please scrape your plate into it after you are done eating because..." There you go.  You do not need to throw I love you around like it is some cheap party trick.  It is not something that people should be saying to soften the blow OR get out of a jam.  These actions really cheapen the meaning behind what these three words are suppose to mean.  Come on now, we all want love to be special and we all want to feel special so if you want to talk about changing the cat litter or taking the dog out for number two keep I love you out of it.

Basically say what you mean! If you mean "You are super awesome! Thank you so much for doing..." than say that if you mean "I really appreciate a lot of house work you do but can you please help me with..." than say that BUT don't just throw around I love you for everything.  Mean it, say it, feel it.  I dedicate my new relationships not to be filled with meaningless "I love you" but rather to be filled with the knowledge and feeling that love is always there because when I say it I mean it.  I dedicate my life to open communication so instead of inserting "I love you" where "thank you" or "I'm sorry" belong I will say exactly what I am feeling and mean.  Don't sell love short by demeaning it.  Stand up for love and what it means to you and take it back from the level we have thrown it down to in our minimal efforts to express that we truly care for someone.  Until next week thank you kindly for reading! XO

How To Make Up

You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly
- Sam Keen 

I have been fortunate in my awesome three month union with The American that we have not had any reasons to make up, as we have not had any fights.  However, I am not the only person dating in this world and some of my dear friends have had some doozy fights lately! Beyond this The American is not my first and only relationship in this life time so I have a history of make ups after tragic almost breakups myself.  Here are some things I have learned this week on how to smooth the rough patches on your road to relationship bliss.

I love you the more in that I believe you had liked me for my own sake and for nothing else
-John Keats

1) BE HONEST! (Am I broken record here or what?) I know this is typically my advice for pretty much anything to do with anything in the land of lovers.  However! Honesty in a make up is the only way two souls truly make up! Here is why:  let's take for example that you have just had a rather extensive argument about flirtation.  You see your lover flirting (and come on now we all KNOW what flirting looks like at this age so let's just say that you saw it, and they copped to it).  Through the course of your passionate discourse your love admits that they were flirting because you don't make them feel sexy anymore.  And, so you two hash it out and she/he agrees not to flirt for attention and you agree to make she/he feel more desired but you really have no idea what they are even talking about.  You need to be honest that you do now know where to go from Fight Land.  It is great that you heard the issue and that you both agreed to not hurt one another.  In fact it is super amazing and mature! However, stopping there without a full understanding of how to proceed is not going to help anyone.  Often people in relationships just want their fight to be over.  They have momentary resolution through expression and acceptance but no solution is given.  On another note if you just give up in your fight because you are upset and just do not want to talk about it any longer than you are not being honest when you agree that the issue is over.  AND! I will tell you why this element is so crucial in the make up process.  It is essential because without it we get stuck in a cycle of having the same argument over and over and over and over and over....you get the point.  What happens is, instead of having a solution and resolution, you now have left overs.  Left over things that were not said, or not heard or not a lot of things continuing on strong into your future conversations.  AND! then you get a lovely combination of resentment and hostility brewing.  Honesty until you are raw and exposed.  Honesty until your lover knows your very deepest emotion.  Honesty until you have nothing more to say.  That is the answer.  And, I am not saying that this will fix your problems.  Unfortunately, some people are going to reject your true self.  But, what I am saying is the right person is going to take in all of you and your needs and make you happier than you have every been, trust me hiding your true desires never leads to anything good.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being 'in love,' which any of us can convince ourselves we are.
-Louis DeBerniere

2) GET OVER IT! This one is just as it sounds.  Move on together and grow or let go period.  There is no in between that is healthy and productive as ALL relationships in your life should be.  Here is what I mean.  You fight with your lover because they cheated on you.  BUT YOU CHOOSE TO STAY WITH THAT LOVER.  That is your bed.  You picked out the linens, you fluffed the pillows, and you dove right in knowing full well your lover has messed around so guess what?  Now every time they do something that makes you slightly upset you CAN NOT bring that up.  The past is the past.  IF you full on choose to be with a cheater than be a f*cking cheater and I don't want to hear about it.  AND OF COURSE! being with a cheater is going to make you paranoid and insane because OF COURSE they are most likely still messing around on you.  BUT! That is what you choose. On a less severe scale if for three years your partner does not ever wipe a damn crumb off the crummy counters than you CAN NOT revolve all fights back to crumby counters.  Here is the tough love bit that might be hard to understand.  YOU CREATE YOUR SITUATION.  That guy/gal you are dating is the one you are actually choosing to be with.  That city, that house, that whatever is all a choice of your adult life so get over it.  AND! If you find you CAN NOT get over it than move on! If you can absolutely not move on from the same argument over and over and over and over and over and over because you are holding so tightly on to a grudge it has become a permanent tattoo on your soul than you are in a stagnant (and I imagine VERY DRAMATIC) relationship.  Let go! I know this is extremely hard because the holding on comes from pain and it comes from hurt and it comes from...pretty well a mess of negative feelings you are feeling about yourself.  YOU HAVE TO LET GO. YOU HAVE TO. If you do not let go you will never be happy, you will never grow, and you will certainly never make the person you are with happy.

You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.
-Barbara DeAngelis

3) ADMIT WHEN YOU ARE WRONG.  This one and two are my two hardest steps that I have learned really learned in the past year.  Being wrong does not feel very good does it?  Nope, unfortunately it does not.  It means that you are exposing your weakness and this can be very frightening.  It feels so much more safe to keep the fight going, and keep the other person the bad guy and keep your guard up than acknowledging that you were in the wrong and that you are sorry for that.  BUT! You know what realizing we make mistakes means?? It means we LEARN!! It means we become stronger and better! It means we grow! It means so many wonderful things so being wrong is nothing to be ashamed of.  I heard a really amazing piece of advice while I was home for the holidays and it went like this: Just because a relationship does not last forever does not mean you failed.  Then I realized that relationships whether they are a week or a decade all teach us lessons that we need to learn.  Just because you did not marry your love of three years does not mean you failed.  It actually means you tried! AND! you succeeded! Dating reminds me of a Cinderella reference.  While the character searched high and low with the slipper that just did not fit all over town he tried! And you know what that is what we are all doing.  None of us are alone.  We are all trying to find that right fit.  It does not mean that our lives are only about searching for someone, not at all.  But, it does mean that we are all trying learn and adapt and make relationships.  Every single person (except perhaps extreme hermits) are all trying.  So when you fail take that lesson. Take that lesson as a success in life, because you are not the only only making mistakes, you are not the only one losing love and you are certainly not the only one fighting.

When you came, you were like red wine and honey, and the taste of you burnt my mouth with its sweetness.
-Amy Lowell

This trip home I had an interesting self revelation my lovely friend told me Mr. X is having a baby and engaged.  You know what I felt?  A wave of relief and happiness.  I felt truly that this life I made for myself this past year, this career, this new passion for running, this amazing new love interest were all really the right thing to be doing.  Not to sound like I needed to know that he got his future dreams to be happy.  But, it certainly helped me realize that I am incredibly grateful that life with him is not mine.  I am so thankful to be here in Vancouver, working at a successful law firm, falling in love with new friends, The American and life.  I have never felt so alive and vibrant! I have never been so thankful.  I also came across a lot of unfaithfulness and heart ache, fighting and pain while mingling around with friends.  So I challenge you to take these three difficult steps in your fight resolution, to communicate and to treat each other like you truly care about one another because happiness is growth.  Happiness is caring for someone and not wanting to hurt them.  And, most of all happiness is something you deserve! Thanks for reading.  Until next week! XO