3 Signs You Have Met Mr. Right

"The secret of a happy marriage is finding the right person. You know they're right if you love to be with them all the time."

Julia Child

So recently a few of my fantastic ladies have been feeling taken for granted (that is not news to me, I hear this all the time, and I have definitely felt this way too in my previous relationships).  Given that this is not new news I was not really phased or overly bothered than the usual.  BUT, what really threw me into the topic for this blog was what one of my dearest friends (who shall remain nameless this week) told me.  She told me that recently and only recently she was treated amazingly well by a man.  She said that he made her feel really special, something her current man does not often do.  This made me realise something terrible.  I DO NOT hear how fantastic men are treating their women often enough (and of course this can go both ways, women treat men shabby too often too!). 

I do, however, hear how terrible their partners are, how demanding, how unfair, demeaning, jealous, crazy...the list goes on but you get the point.  I literally know about a handful of friends who constantly tell me how lovely it is to be with their partner and how amazing their partner makes them feel.  Don’t get me wrong there will be a rough patch here and there with everyone. BUT, it is how these happy couples treat one another when they weather the storm that keeps them so damn happy.  The following are three indicators you are with the right one (also if you do not have any of these indicators than you are clearly with the wrong one, sorry to say).

"It sounds like a cliche but I also learnt that you're not going to fall for the right person until you really love yourself and feel good about how you are."

Emma Watson

1)     You feel lucky.  If you look at your love and think you are the luckiest person in the world than you are with the right one. Here is a little story, the other day The American came over to my place in the midst of a blizzard.  He was over for about five minutes when I told him I was out of toilet paper but had part of a box of Kleenex until tomorrow.  Without question he put a leash on my dog (who loves walks!) and went to the shop to grab some (I should mention that he also brought me my favorite treat and gave me a massage).  I thought to myself “That is awesome! I am really lucky.”  The truth is I feel like this all the time.  There are no feelings of wavering doubt. 

 Also, I strongly believe when you have found someone that you truly feel lucky to be with, like gold.   If you honestly think you have really lucked out and the man you are with is the bees knees, than you are going to treat him as such, I am sure of it.  The truth is I have dated men who I did feel lucky be with.  But, it was not really the right feeling of luck.  It was not based on how they treated me, it was more a feeling of luck based on the fact that they had similarities to me, or my family liked them, or whatever.  I was basing my evaluation of them on things that were not merely as important as how I was being treated EVERY SECOND OF EVERYDAY.  That feeling of luck can’t leave you and come back, if you have struck gold than that feeling of appreciating will be there to stay.

 "Marriage is miserable unless you find the right person that is your soulmate and that takes a lot of looking."

Marvin Gaye

2)     You are treated like GOLD! Above I was saying if you feel lucky than you will treat your partner like gold, well guess what?  It works both ways.  If your man makes you feel like a queen than he feels lucky too!  Everyone has their own concept on what being treated like a queen means.  Ideally you will find a man that treats you the way that you want to be treated.  (AND, to anyone reading this trying to brush off my emotions on the “honey moon phase” shame on you! You know my feelings about that).  Unfortunately if you settle for a man who treats you like you are some kind of peasant who is fortunate to grace his presence, than you will be miserable.  If you feel like you are less than your partner, than you are not with the right one.  You will always be sacrificing yourself and compromising your own happiness to appease them out of feelings of being unworthy. 

The right person will make you shine when you are in your darkest moment.  They will be your companion when you feel alone and they will help you up when you fall down.  It is a terrible thing to be trapped with a miserable person.  Misery loves company and if you are with someone who constantly makes you feel worthless than you are with the wrong person.  Sometimes my girlfriends ask me if I think there is someone for everyone, even their cruel, cheating, thieving, exes.  I tell them it is possible.  This is very hard to hear because for some reason women have this view that they can be the woman to change a man to his full potential...you should not need to change anyone, if they wanted to be the person you wanted them to be they would.  The truth is that it is completely possible there is someone just as miserable as someone else who would live the life they want to live with someone you might see as terrible.  I am not here to judge those people, but if you feel like you are being treated like sh*t on a shoe than you are not one of these people who thrives being miserable.  We should all be treated like gold.

" I know now that there are men out there who are, for me, the whole package, who are supportive of my successes because they know I will be just as supportive of theirs. I'm less tolerant of foolishness now; I know that it's important I not tie myself up with the wrong person, because then I will miss the right person coming along."

Ginnifer Goodwin

3)     Comfortable in your skin.  If you feel sexy, confident and happy you are with the right one.  The truth is we all have something about us that we see as unsightly!  Here you go, I have sweaty hands all the time.  It is a disorder I was born with that approximately one in six north Americans have, it makes me extremely self conscious about touching.  We all have moments where we feel unsure and are afraid of being judged this is normal.  However, if you are with someone that you can waltz in the nude in front of and knows you touch up your roots and you feel happy that he knows everything about you, than you are with the right one.  (PLEASE do not confuse this with comfort zone where people pee with the door open and clean their ears in front of you – that is still disgusting to me.) If you feel so beautiful that on days that you are not wearing makeup or have just woke up because your partner makes you feel that way than you are with the right one. 

You should never, ever have to lie to the person you are with PERIOD.  I am not saying keep a detailed diary of your life and report to your partner because that is crazy and also boring.  I mean you should never fear the reaction of your love.  That is real love.  Real love is saying all the truths about yourself, and more, and having them accepted.  Unless of course you are planning an amazing surprise for you love (F.Y.I I hate surprises, I am way too much a planner to enjoy them).   The truth is if you are keeping things from your lover because you are afraid of them not loving you anymore than not only are you presenting a false front, you are not wholly loved. You may also be living in fear of being alone and should re-evaluate why you are so afraid to be without someone.  The person you are with can only love the parts of you he knows about.  Basically if your partner knows all about you and still says those three little words than you are with the right one.

I hope that you are all happy and loved because that is what we all deserver in this life.  I am not talking about seeking out love and being desperately validated by it.  NOT AT ALL! I am talking about feeling worth every second of love and appreciation that you deserve.  If your partner constantly makes you feel poorly than you are with the wrong one and if you are lucky enough to find someone who makes you feel wonderful than you are right where you need to be.  Thanks for reading! XO 

Happiness! Try it out.

“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” 
― Dr. Seuss

Winter blues seem to have hit us all hard lately.  I know it is hard to be happy when every thing is grey and dreary we are really getting into winter aren't we?  Yes there is no avoiding it! But, here are five easy tricks to boost your happiness and in turn all your relationships will be better! In fact being happier and more self complete will lead you to re-evaluate those in your life! And, meet new people worth your positive new outlook! Here goes:

1) Optimism.  This seems to be the number number one top of the list to all the articles I read this week about increased happiness in life.  Optimism appears to be the best medicine.  This is what I am doing I take out negative words from my vocabulary AND outlook.  Such as instead of saying "I could never..." I say "One day this could happen..."  Never shut yourself out from anything by creating a negative ambiance with your words.  Try not to create a wall of don'ts, can'ts, shouldn'ts...etc because the second your mind gets a hold of of these negative connotations it will bring your spirits down.  Also, if you are hanging about with people that use a lot of negative thinking you may want to approach how they talk to you.  True story: Once The American and I had a conversation and he said "Don't ..." to something that bothered him.  This word don't really bothered me.  It came across as a boundary that I did not understand fully because I was not sure what I was suppose to be doing instead, it came across as a criticism and to be frank a bit bossy.  So, I told him my thoughts on negative words.  They bring you down, they do not allow for positive growth and they can be so detrimental.  In many self development courses they teach you to speak in the affirmative and think in the affirmative.  It is such a simple step that we can all do for free and I guarantee the more you approach your life in the affirmative the happier you will be!

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” 
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

2) Express kindness! This is the best tip I think! Compliment someone, give a homeless person some soup, volunteer, pay for your neighbor's coffee in the morning, a small act of kindness goes a long way! Not just for the person receiving it.  You know what I find so amazing?  The look of confusion on people's faces when you are kind.  Kindness is so rare in our day in age that people are never expecting a kind word or action with no strings attached.  It is no wonder people are feeling down and out! So the next time you see a woman on the train and you like her scarf tell her, the next time you see some one struggling to open the door on the windy day help them.  Show kindness.  Be human.  These acts will warm your soul.  Every act of kindness helps you realize that other acts are not necessary.  I was getting on the Seabus the other day and I was just wrapping up a phone conversation with my dad who is a disabled man who does not get out much so we chat everyday on the phone at the same time.  He was finishing telling me about his latest doctor's appointment and I was just about to tell him I would call him after my commute like I always do as I do not enjoy chatting on any buses.  This very rude woman turned and faced me and declared "I am NOT sitting by you" and gave me a look of disgust because I was on the phone.  (It is funny to note here she went and sat down and three very loud mouthed teen aged girls sat beside her laughing and shouting the whole time).  But, I could not help but be struck by how incredibly rude she was.  Kindness is needed so badly in this world.  Kindness helps people feel good about themselves, and the kinder you are to others the better you will feel about yourself.

“Time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” 
― Marthe Troly-Curtin, Phrynette Married

3) Savor the small things! This was also a chart topper on the resources I scoured this week to compile this blog.  Savoring every little thing that brings you happiness through out the day, instead of focusing on the negative will greatly improve the quality of your life.  Here is what I do in the morning.  I either get a chai latte or a hot chocolate with whip cream on top.  Each of these two drinks the first sip is magic.  It makes me feel warm, happy, and ready for the day.  It is the smallest of things that brings a huge smile to my face.  Just like hearing your favorite song on the radio when you pop in the car on your way to work, or finding the perfect free parking spot on your way out, the little things matter.  We live in a society consumed with entitlement that we never stop to truly appreciate the small things that really make our lives happy.  There are always going to be bad days for sure like you drop the shampoo hard on your foot in the shower breaking the cap off only to then get rained on because you forgot your umbrella only to miss your bus kind of days...HOWEVER if instead of being beaten by those moments you realize that the person in front of you bought your coffee and you got complimented on your outfit you will be happier.  Focusing on the small ups in life is the best thing for all of us to do.  There is nothing worse than being trapped by a negative person who all they do is point out every negative thing possible every to you it really brings you down.  So, if you, yourself focus on the positives in your life it will lift your spirits!

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” 
― Mahatma Gandhi

4) HEALTH! This perhaps should be number one and is also up on the top of lists of happiness factors I sifted through.  Health is so important! When you are healthy you will be happy period.  This does not mean when you are skinny or when you are a muscle man, I mean healthy.  When you eat healthy and exercise everyday you will feel good about yourself!!  Exercise helps with the body circulation, sleep patterns, healthy weight maintenance, anxiety, it has so many benefits to keeping the mind healthy.  I have to tell you I use to think runners were a bit weird.  Why? Because they are so happy! They are always bubbly and laughing and then I realized why! Exercise not only helps you stay healthy and happy but it also really gives you a sense of accomplishment.  Last year when I ran my first half marathon I was so happy, but even beyond that just my warm up runs felt great! I felt a real sense of pride in accomplishing a run everyday and people always complimented me it was such a great feeling and this year when I do my full marathon I will once again have these great emotions.  I am not telling you to run a marathon, but I am telling you to get in even just twenty minutes of exercise a day and you will be happier (for your information sex is a great work out..wink, wink).

“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” 
― Dalai Lama XIV

5)  Sleep.  Getting enough sleep is tantamount to quality of life.  Without it you become lethargic, grumpy, and delirious.  One must sleep to be happy.  A balanced life style involves sleep.  I believe that you can read any article you want on this topic but your body is the best indicator of the sleep you need.  Some nights you will toss and turn and some nights you will sleep like a log.  Your body is the captain (unless you have insomnia then you should talk to someone about that).  Your body will let you know when it is very tired and wants to nap, or when it is fully rested and wants some outdoor time.  Listen to your body.  The truth is your body is speaking to you all the time.  It is telling you when it needs water, food, rest it is a machine that functions on your actions.  Have you ever woke up in the middle of the night so parched you could barely stand it, BUT before bed you were a bit thirsty but did not listen to your body?  You only have one body so let it rest when it is tired.  Listen to it and keep it happy and healthy and in turn you will feel great!

There you have it! I hope these five simple steps help! They have certainly helped me.  Remember even if you don't eat healthy every second of every day or you miss  your weekly exercise DON'T beat yourself up!! Stay positive about your possibilities! We all have off days but that does not mean that you are not capable of turning every day into a happy one.  Until next week! XO

All pictures are from google except the top one that is my happiest little dog.

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY ALL!

"I got sunshine on a cloudy day, 

When its cold outside I've got the month of May"

-The Temptations My Girl

I hope that you are not one of those sad girls who curses pretty little red heart shaped boxes because you may be single! Or you are one of those anti Halmark haters who curse the consumerism of it all!  Valentine’s day is about one thing: love.  You don’t have to buy anything and you don’t have to be taken.  You don’t have to be anything period.  In fact you know what?  I give funny cards to my girlfriends STILL to this day!  And I sometimes make them and I sometimes buy them.  I bake cupcakes for my coworkers.  I embrace this pretty little heart shaped day because each day is what you make it.  So if you are wallowing or cursing on the day of love! Give your head a shake! Find what you love and be nice about it.  In the spirit of being SUPER CHEESY!! And lovey dovey, this blog is dedicated to four reasons why The American is totally radical.  Hopefully through my ramblings below you may see what qualities are great in a partner!

1)      HE LISTENS! Yep, he surely does.  AND! I don’t mean in a half ass, “yes dear” patronizing way.  I mean he truly listens.  When I say “I feel like eating, watching, etc... because” or I just plain feel a certain way he listens and hears me.  He displays this amazing feat by saying things like “I understand, or "I would love to," (and even sometimes) "I disagree"...etc.”  He says something which says that he has heard me.  THEN he either says his own feelings on the subject OR relates a similar story which shows me he truly GETS the words that I have just said to him.  AND! Furthermore he then formulates a solution based on our conversation.  It can be as simple as what to eat, what movie to watch, to larger relationship issues such as trust but the end result is always the same.  I feel acknowledged, I feel accepted.  I DO NOT feel like he is brushing off my words with hurtful things like “Oh you are just being crazy, over reacting, etc...”  Nope.  Never.  Instead I feel like he sees me as an equal, my feelings are equal to his, and he truly wants me to be heard.  This is the number on thing among a million that make him the best!

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams"

- Dr Suess

"

2)      HE IS EMOTIONALLY MATURE (okay most of the time...just kidding!)  The American does not ever, ever ignore me when I call him or text (OF COURSE these conversations are outside of work hours! Let’s not be too demanding we all have to make a living!).  He is open to discussing things like a mature adult.  He does not name call, he does not place blame, he does not do a million and one immature things that other men do all the time that I hear about non stop from my girlfriends.  Instead he has conversations with me about ALL things under the sun, no matter how trivial they may seem.  He is open to discussion about himself and while we are both head strong people he is one hundred percent open to admitting that he has been in the wrong (as have I we are still learning our ups and downs after four months of dating you know).  He does not pout, or get even, he does not yell, throw shit, get mean, get nasty, get jealous, he does not get, get! He instead has the emotional maturity to be in a relationship and this is an amazing quality to find!

3)      HE DOES NOT BACK DOWN.  (Insert Salt and Pepper Lyrics here “What a Man”) The American does not let me boss him around.  I am bossy.  I do not see this as insult either by the way.  Bossy means leadership.  Bossy means courage.  Bossy also means sometimes you are so gung-ho about something you forget there is someone else involved...unfortunately! Sorry!  But, The American has an uncanny ability to say “No Thanks.”  For this I give him mad respect! There is nothing worse than a man who has no passions of his own! No friends, no social life, no drive.  The American says no to doing things that he would just rather not do.  This is awesome! There is nothing sexier than a man who will say “No Thanks” every once and a while.  BUT! A man who always says “No Thanks” IS TERRIBLE! You can not be chasing him all over town while he says no to putting in effort.  There must be balance.  The American has that and for this I will always respect him.

"What a man, what a man, what a man.  What a mighty, mighty good man.  Yes he is."

-Salt'n'Peppa What a Man

4)      HE HAS A BRAIN! Yep, yes he does.  Intellect! Hot damn it is so fine.  There is nothing hotter than a man who has his wits about him!  What’s that you say?  He reads books?  That is my kind of man!! Outside of the fact that the American is intellectual (and successful) He also uses this brain to think of cool things for he and I to do together.  He uses this brain to think while he is out to pick up my favorite drink or candy bar.  He uses this brain to think of me.  This is so flattering.  It is also SUCH A RELIEF! Do you know how tedious it is to be the only person who constantly thinks of what to do?  Or to be the only person who buys small surprises on the regular because you thought of your lover?  IT IS THE WORST.  The American uses his brain to impress me pretty much everyday, but perhaps it is his kind heart in the mix too.

That wraps up my love blog for this week! I hope you learned something about what makes a really great partner and also learned that I care more deeply for The American more and more.  See what is confusing is that women spend their lifetime being programmed that love will knock you right out of your boots, throw you to the moon and then drag you to hell in some kind of twisted Shakespearian love story, but the truth of the matter is sometimes your “lobster” comes knocking with a soft hand.  He makes life easier, he touches your heart every day.  There is no drama, there is no tragedy there is only a growing fondness that blossoms a little more until you really believe that one person might actually be made for you.  You fit together like two happy peas in a pod and that is what makes me crazy for my guy.  Thanks for reading! XOXO 

HELP! I need somebody.

“In my story you're the villain. But in my heart, you're still the reigning King.” 
― Coco J. Ginger

So, WOW! A lot of break ups happening lately! Fortunately not for myself (fingers crossed!!) but it is just when you start to think of all the couples you could be doing coupley things with that those couples will move to Splitzville. In fact last year alone saw the end of Ms. M and Ms. A's extremely long term relationships! It is not so much that you are saddened by the fact that you don't have two more to add to your dates out, not at all, you do after all love the company of your mate.  However, your heart feels heavy for your friend's loss.  Welcome to the awkward post break up period of your friendships.  It is sort of like walking on egg shells, because, while you want to be the supportive friend by telling them how much better off they are, you cannot be the friend who trash talks their ex as at some moments they will be hyper sensitive to your criticism of the man that they still love, but at other times he is the bastard son of Satan, while at other times things are amicable, while at other times...oh yes....it is time to cry over a movie title on Netflix because that was the first movie they saw as a couple.....HELP.  We all need a little help from our friends during these times so the following are three tips on how to survive your friend's break up...while also helping them move on.

“I am torn open, unabridged, hot and a bit crazy inside. This is the feeling which belongs to me, she has always been mine.” 
― Coco J. Ginger

1) FOLLOW THEIR LEAD.  They are on their own emotional roller coaster and we have all been there.  One minute they will be calling you to vent about what an insensitive jerk their Mr. X is and how they are way better off...however the next second they could snap at you for agreeing and tell you that he really is not that bad and how much they miss him.  All you can do (in this approximately one week to six month mourning period) is HOLD ON.  Just remember what it is like to be on that roller coaster.  All breakups take their course and their toll on us differently.  They are ALL difficult and they all teach us something. Some end abruptly with a wave of pain (sort of like ripping off a band aid) while others end slowing and irritatingly...(sort of like slowly pulling a band aid out of your arm hair) Either way you must be supportive of your friends.  Follow their emotional lead and you should be fine.   Make sure to hear what page they are on in their break up manual and always try and be positive about what a great catch they are...even if they are looking at you with doe eyes stained red from crying whilst mascara is streamed all over their flushed face and their mouth is covered with chocolate cake. Now, I am sort of at a loss for those of us who are in turmoil with our friends who constantly are breaking up with their shitty partners.  It is emotionally draining to tell your dear friend how much better off she is all the while wondering if she may just be a glutton for punishment.  I am literally at a fork in the road myself here.  Is it best for one to continue on being the supportive, listening friend (even when the tale is always the same with the same outcome of unhappily ever after)? or is it now best to tell said friends that they are making their beds and they really have to lie in them and find a way to be happy because you are tired of clocking hours on the phone for no point (by no point I mean your words fall on deaf ears and they never change a damn thing)?   At this exact current moment I do not have the answer....perhaps this will be a later blog topic (when to stop feeding the dramatic cycle) BUT! for purposes of this blog I am talking about POST break up, the break up is over, done, fin, ended, no more sagas.  If your friend is full on single and is wallowing in her emotions, then follow her lead.  BUT IF she is tied up in some break up-make up cycle then I just don't know what advice to give...yet.


“He loved me. He loved me, but he doesn't love me anymore, and it's not the end of the world.” 
― Jennifer Weiner, Good in Bed

2) BE POSITIVE! At this point in time your friend is most likely Negative Nancy.  All one can do is reaffirm to her that she is super awesome! And this is going to be a challenge.  But, you know what I remember most distinctly from my break ups?  That my friends think the world of me.  That my friends every day told me how incredible I am and still do.  That they reached out and said "Hey! You are great!"  These are words we need to hear when we are broken.  Breakups tear you down, they toss you up inside, they teach you your faults, they make you look in the mirror and they make you hurt.  Break ups are life affirming lessons that are the hardest to endure but you know what softens their blow?  Compliments! Positive beautiful words from people that mean them and that matter! I can not even remember if my friends agreed that my exes were real bastards when I felt that way or not, but what I do remember were the kind and unique words they spoke to me about my life and that they truly thought I was beautiful and amazing.  And, of course at first you think that they are just trying to cheer you up but then gradually you realize they think these things of you all the time! Why?  Because they are true! You start to realize that your life is very much the great moment they praise it to be and that you will never be alone or rejected by the people in your life that think the world of you! And, what about that! The more positive feed back and help you give your friend the better off she will be and you know what?  The more kind words you say the better you will feel just in general!


“She had missed him so long now, that the feeling had become a part of her. As each day passed, the missing distanced itself from her heart. One day she woke, and realized the missing was there but the pain was gone. Missing without pain is tolerable. Pain linked to heartache is intolerable.”
― Coco J. Ginger

3) JUST KEEP LISTENING.  Now only if her relationship is completely over do this, as I am still not sure if listening to someone in a break up-makeup cycle is inabling or not...as discussed above. BUT! If your friend is truly heart broken from a full on break up than she needs to vent..and vent....and vent. Guess what?  all this venting is therapy.  Every word you listen to and she gets out gets her one more step to getting over Mr. Wrong.  All one can do is listen to her vent as much as she needs to.  She is venting for several reasons: 1) Therapy as mentioned.  Getting it all out, expressing frustration, pain, hurt, anger.  The thing is she could of been suffocated for years in her past fling with no method of expressing her feelings so she is in a state of self actualization and life change.  She is about to realize true happiness, self expression, sexual freedom, she is about to become a pheonix of change and she is going to want to express all the negative and positive feelings she has about these things.  And, 2) She has just lost the one person she vented to on the regular, even if she was censored in her interactions with her Mr. X that does not mean she did not have someone to talk with everyday.  Now, that is gone.  This can be an incredibly lonely sensation so she will be texting and calling you letting you know about this.  The BEST thing you can do is listen and let her know she is not alone. Once again think about how you felt when you lost your Mr. X and you realized you no longer had anyone who texted you everyday to ask about your day.  It is essential that during this revelation we keep in touch with our post break up friends.

The best thing about break ups is that they are lessons.  Man, are they ever.  The person you become after them is you becoming more and more defined by life.  Breakups are part of life and so are relationships.  And, like I said before just because you broke up does not you did not succeed! Not all tries are going to end in a happily ever after.  In fact I would argue the less success you have the more you learn until you are ready to be alone or with someone.  You must, must be in love with being single before you can be in love being with any one.  It is all a learning curve and it is all part of making you who you need to be.  So, help your friend through her rough spots because she is learning just as much as we all are and we all need a help from our friends!

Sex Let's Talk about it

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” 
― Oscar Wilde

Alright, so I know this title sounds sexy! But, what really got me fuming lately was an article I read on some ridiculously chauvinistic web site that literally made my blood boil but also made me laugh at all the ignorant (no doubt SINGLE FOR LIFE) people in agreement that sex is some kind of duty we all should preform regardless of being in the mood.  SO! I am here to lay out some damn principles that I have come to learn both on my own and through conversing with my friends about how to keep sex in your relationship WITHOUT pressure, guilt trips, threats, and all the other absurd tools we have learned as a society to force our will on others. Wouldn't it be so nice to live in a healthy sex life with your partner free of ridicule and all this B.S I watch on TV, the web, and mass media.  Enough is enough.  So the following are three actions I guarantee will improve the quality of your sexual relations and in return make you a better lover.

“We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.” 
― Tom Robbins

1) Honesty (I know, I know this is my main point for everything) maybe I should say acceptance.  Acceptance of what your partner says they would like to have in the bedroom. Now, if you are with someone and they are into something you are really not into than you have to figure out how or if it will work on your own.  But, the following is my fear (and a reality for too many) in situations where sexuality is not compatible.  The first being, you reach a compromise, perhaps your partner really likes something and you don't but you love them and they do things that they don't like for you so you do it anyways.  This makes me SO UNCOMFORTABLE on so many levels for too many reasons to get into here.  The main point is that both people in your equation should be comfortable with your sexual acts.  One should not be sacrificing their desires to appease the other.  In an ideal union you will have the same desires.  The second problem I worry about in the "they want it but I don't" scenario is that you flat out say no without any understanding.  Truth be told their can be a marvelous middle ground met between your desires that would bring you both to new heights that you are both comfortable with.  BUT! you will never know this pleasure and happiness unless you open your mouth and tell your partner what turns you on and what you are simply not interested in doing.   Flat out rejecting someone's fantasy will make them feel demolished (it takes guts to put your fetishes out there to be judged) in particular when these fantasies are said looking for acceptance in someone else.  So, while I say never sacrifice your sexual comfort zones! I do say talk it out until you know where you are both comfortable.  I honestly think not enough people in this world are HONEST about sex and what they want, how they want it, when they want, etc.  Please be open, be honest, and don't allow miscommunications ruin your chances of sexual happiness. 

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.” 
― Mae West

2) BE REALISTIC.  Here we go.  Unless you are a porn star your life is NOT a porn movie.  Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.  However, you are most lucky if you are finding yourself in a steady relationship with a woman that you are both attracted to and enjoy her company that will be intimate with you on a regular basis.  Congratulations! You actually have the ability to have sex, not just any old sex either, meaningful sex with someone you like when you are sober.  Now, take this person as they are.  They are not some object who enjoys being degraded, they are not some film star that you think you can do what you saw on the internet with.  No.  Realize that you are in reality where you are dating a real woman who deserves respect.  Newsflash: If you were actually dating a porn star you would have to be alright with her having gang bangs and a whole slue of other things that...I am guess you probably do not want.  So, be real.  Your lover is not an object, she is a person (F.Y.I porn stars are real people too who probably don't want what you see on screen in reality either).  Women deserve to be treated like we are worth the sun and moon.  Do not try and treat her like she is anything less or you do not deserve her.  Now, if you two are both into kink and you have discussed your limits than of course there are different standards for you BUT there is ALWAYS the standard of respecting the limits your partner has told you about.  Another newsflash if someone is not into anal and actually are stupid enough to think you can "slip it in" stealthy, you are first and most importantly an idiot, and secondly, violating trust and boundaries...don't do it man. (You may be laughing but you have NO IDEA how many women have told me this).  The person you are with has expressed their limits than you need to respect that they are a consenting adult and know what they want.  Treat them as such and never pressure or bad talk someone into preforming sexually for your pleasure, this is one sided and not what sex is about. Oh ya and DON'T be pushy!!!! If you are pushy you will never know if someone is happy or just giving in because they don't want to be pushed around and that is just wrong. There is such a sense of entitlement that is disgusting, in the above mentioned chauvinistic article in the intro.

“We are all born sexual creatures,thank God, but it's a pity so many people despise and crush this natural gift.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

3) It takes two.  I am not sure why some men feel sex is all about them and has nothing to do with their partner's pleasure but it is completely absurd.  Basically selfish lovers are not good in bed according to every person who ever had the misfortune of meeting one.  So in order to not be a selfish lover listen to the person you are intimate with! I mean listen to everything, their breathing, AND their body.  Here is the thing getting off comes in all shapes and sizes, from screaming out, to heavy breathing to even sometimes holding one's breath.  There is no one sure fire way that sex will be. If you want to have more sex than get in tune with your partner and make sure you are both having as much fun as one another.  If you are in a passionless union sex becomes a chore.  A chore that you do because you might possibly get off or because you feel obligated after so many years together or whatever.  This means that sex will never be as good because the passion is gone.  Don't lose the passion by making sure that you pleasure one another EQUALLY.  There is no excuse for sex to be one sided.  There is no reason not to enjoy sex period.  Sex should be sexy and make everyone involved feel that way. Sex should be passionate, and sex should be amazing.  If you are setting for anything less than it is no wonder you are having to use maneuvers to coerce sex from your partner.  Be a good lover and your lover will want to see you naked. 

“Sex without love is as hollow and ridiculous as love without sex.”
― Hunter S. Thompson

There you have it.  I am so tired of hearing reasons for having sex.  You know the only reason to have sex?  Is because you want to have sex period.  There are so many ridiculous excuses and guilt trips and impropriety I hear all the time that make me so angry.  Sex is not a chore.  Sex should never be expected.  Sex is not yours to take.  Sex is a mutual decision between two people because they want to.  Listen to one another, and I mean actually hear what you want in the bedroom.  Be an amazing lover by using respect and intimacy.  The truth is if someone needs an excuse to sleep with you than you are very far from amazing.  There is only one true reason to get intimate and that is because you are both turned on and ready to go! Anything else is just bad sex.  Today I finally get to visit Ms. M! Can't wait to hear here new adventures in romance and be blog inspired. Until next week thanks for reading! XO

Citations:
All images are from Google Pictures. 

You are NUMBER ONE!

"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world."
Lucille Ball 

In connection to my previous cheating post I realized something.  Self fulfillment is crucial to all aspects of life not just romance.  So the following three points are tips on how to love yourself completely:

1) Forgive yourself.  Here is the thing we are not perfect.  No one is.  We have all made mistakes.  We have all been a person we are not proud of.  We can all think of a moment we would really like to take back.  Now, you can wallow in these moments and let them define you, OR you can realize you are more than what you use to be.  Every second of every day we are learning and growing.  So maybe you use to be late for work everyday and you did a piss poor job but one day you realized that you are fortunate to have a boss who puts up with you.  One day you think you will be different.  Congratulations.  It is NEVER TO LATE TO TRY.  But, you have got to forgive yourself.  Forgive your past indescretions, your unfaithfullness, your jealousy, your cruel words.  Kiss all those negative moments good bye.  Realize that every single person around the world has had a bad moment.  Every single being breathing would like to take something back and forgive.  Forgive what you use to think was fun or good if you realized it actually hurt others.  Forgive.  Beating yourself up every day over the past is futile.  It was Ghandi who so wisely said "Be the change that you wish to see in the world."  He was right.  Start today, start right now.  Or if you are lucky you have already started.  Shed your old dead, beaten, broken self and realize that all that shit doesn't matter.  We all have baggage and we have bull shit we would LOVE to hold onto because they are EXCUSES to be miserable.  Why?? Because not forgiving yourself means you never have to try.  Not forgiving yourself means never feeling worth your own love or anyone else's.  NOT forgiving yourself means self sabotage. Not forgiving yourself means living in the ever dramatic full of distractions.  Let go.  Forgive yourself and realize that letting go of your past and looking forward to your future is the right direction to be headed!

"Don't look back, you are not going that direction."
-Unknown


2) Treat people the way you want to be treated.  So here is what I blogged about a while ago was having an epiphany to cut back on meaningless interactions with people who never tried to maintain my relationship with them.  (Insert confidence boosting applause here!)  Why?  Because, I am worth it.  I am worth not exerting energy into rejection.  But, you know what else I realized?  I need to stop being a flake.  Yes that is right.  While I was pooring energy into meaningless transactions I was not really trying with my true friends 100 percent. I would cancel plans or just make empty promises because for some reason I felt this was trying at least.  Then I would get the same treatment back and I was fine with this because I was flaky.  Until I realized that I want more.  I want more from myself.  If I am too tired to go for a planned run with a friend than I will ask them to tea instead.  I am no longer thinking honesty is enough. It is a key factor as it always is but it is NOT ENOUGH.  Actions! And, so I started to put more effort, more compliments, more communications, more attention into the friends of mine who truly deserve it.  Because, they have always been good to me.  And, you know what?  It is working.  It is helping ME feel better about ME! Which is very important to confidence and self love.  I realized that when I commute that extra hour to see my girlfriend for a tea it feels really good to put effort in.  WAY BETTER than bailing and being honest ever did.  I realized this after several friends were flaky towards me that their lack of texting back, and telling me reasons for bailing really did feel pretty crap.  But, when they made small plans in exchange on the same day that were like negotiations due to time, money, energy, I felt good about their effort.  They were making me feel really appreciative of their time.  That is when I realized THIS IS HOW I AM MAKING PEOPLE FEEL.  From now on treat people the way you want to be treated.

"If you can learn to love yourself and all the flaws, you can love other people so much better. And that makes you so happy."
Kristin Chenoweth 

3) Stay true to yourself.  This is key in feeling good about yourself! DO NOT LOSE YOURSELF AMONG OTHERS THEY ARE NOT YOU.  Stay polite if you can ideally but always, always, always stay true to yourself.  Your opinions are going to change because you will be learning constantly from life, I am not saying stay the same.  But, stay true to what your head and heart are telling you.  For example, if you REALLY do not want to go to a certain event because you do not want to run into a bad past fling there, don't.  If you think that violence towards women is something that needs advocating, than do.  If you feel like your racist coworker should not voice their opinions by the water cooler, tell them.  Always be true to yourself is what I am saying.  Do not stifle yourself because you want to fit in, or be 'cool' or whatever you are telling yourself is 'better' than your feelings. Nothing is better than how you feel for you.  No one can tell you what to do, but you.  You are the best navigator for your life ship.  No one else.  AND! Listening to social norms, popular beliefs, loved ones, or peer pressure to do things you really are not comfortable doing is TERRIBLE!! Stand up for what you want for you.  Stand up for what you think is just.  Stand up for what you love.  DO NOT let anyone take away from you your right to be complete.  You deserve to be the way you are in your entirety.  AND if that means that you like to read graphic novels and dress in cape in your spare time because it makes you happy than by all means do it! If this means you love to eat foods others deem strange, eat them.  As long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else than f*ck what anyone thinks about what you like to do.  The moment we stop doing what makes us truly happy is the moment we may as well lay down and give up on life.  Stay true to your passions, stay true to your loves, stay true to you.  Being anyone else won't work.

"Be strong, believe in freedom and... love yourself, understand your sexuality, have a sense of humor, masturbate, don't judge people by their religion, color or sexual habits, love life and your family."
Madonna Ciccone 

In the end I would like to leave you with the lesson I learned this past year, stop obsessing over what others will think.  You know it took me a long time to realize this did not mean strangers on the street with superficial observations BUT rather what people you care about think.  People who actually care about you will only care about one thing and that is your happiness.  Everything else is just bullshit.  Thanks for reading! XO

The Politics of Cheating

“Cheating and lying aren't struggles, they're reasons to break up.” 
― Patti Callahan Henry, Between The Tides

So I know I blogged about my shady past and the issues of infidelity and boredom.  However, I recently came to a whole new level of self awareness that made me realize that people cheat because they are searching for something.  Their lives are not complete!  I realized this not because I have cheated on The American, I have not even dreamed of this as he is too good for such petty actions! But, what I realized was all around me infidelity flourished and I had to often not been satisfied by monogamy.  You know what?  It is not your partner when you cheat it is you.  There is something in you yearning for more.  And, I am here to tell you that you are never going to find it in someone else.  If you are searching for what makes you happy look for further than the mirror.  The answer is you.  I realized in the past I had been incomplete.  I had not thought that highly of myself or loved myself as much as I do now. AND! I do not mean cheap ego manical love, I mean really meaningful love that makes you realize you can be happy alone and that you deserve the best.  Some people go their whole lives never feeling this and for these people my heart aches! The following are three things I discovered about cheating.

“The truly scary thing about undiscovered lies is that they have a greater capacity to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self-esteem, our very foundation.” 
― Cheryl Hughes

1) Communication break down.  Now previously I may have blamed someone else for this, but, you know whose fault my failed communication is?  My own. This has taken me 32 years of life and 17 of dating to figure out! And yet it is so simple.  Here is the thing when someone is not hearing you, instead of getting all upset that they "never listen" and storming into the arms of someone else...who let's be honest will probably soon be painted with your "non-listening" brush try and sort out what is up with you.  What is up with you?  My dear friend recently told me that life keeps throwing us the same screw ups until we learn from them and you know she is right.  It is not because we keep attracting people that are not listening, but rather the opposite.  We have stopped growing in our ability to communicate.  Here is what I am trying and you can try it or not it is completely up to you.  With The American I tell him all my feelings good and bad about everything from fried eggs to literature.  He is in agreeance that such communication is also a good idea and therefore thus far there has not been any miscommunication we have not spoken of.  Keep your lines open! But, here is the thing if you try this approach it is some what difficult because you are not always going to know exactly what you want from how you feel and exactly how to communicate but the fact that you try is keeping you faithful I gaurantee.  Cheating is a biproduct of communication break down.  You lose sight of how to hear and speak to one another you become distant and frustrated and often instead of trying to work these feelings out.  And, I mean really work them out, you turn to someone else to work you out.  Try communicating all your ups and downs to prevent harbouring ill emotions.

“When people cheat in any arena, they diminish themselves-they threaten their own self-esteem and their relationships with others by undermining the trust they have in their ability to succeed and in their ability to be true.” 
― Cheryl Hughes

2) Bring sexy back! Okay if you have lost that sexy feeling than guess what?  You have also lost some self esteem.  This is very unfortunate! So yes you can try and search for sexy in others but let me tell you, you will more often than not end up unfufilled.  Why?  Because the only person that can truly realize how hot you are is you.  That is right.  You know what to wear, say, etc to feel sexy.  AND! When you feel sexy! and I mean you are so full of sexy you are oozing it, than other people will find you just as sexy as you do.  If on the odd chance they don't f*ck their opinion because not everyone is attracted to everyone else and that is just the way of life.  It does not mean you are not one smokin hot tamale! I would say not only be with someone who makes you feel sexy everyday (of course this is ideal!) but  also be that person to yourself.  The thing is you may be in a stale relationship and feeling frumpy more often than not.  I understand.  I have been there.  Once frumpiness sets in then you gradually care less and less about your morning hair and wholey old jim jam pants that you wear to bed every night, and your sleeping retainer....AND all the things that you use to care about because you felt like you wanted to be sexy.  Notice it is not about someone else.  In the beginning you wanted to be a sex kitten for your lover looking like a foxy minx, but something happened slowly didn't it?  You both started to put on some weight, you both started to let yourselves go and the more you did the worse you felt.  I am not saying that it is wrong to get comfortable but BRING YOUR DAMN SEXY BACK!! What happened you, you sexy little beast?? If you never feel sexy and you search for sexy in someone else than you will be searching a long time because the only person that can truly make you ooze sexy and feel wanted is you.  Don't try and pass the blame on to your partner (unless they are cruel and tell you that you are not sexy! Than run away from that low self esteem train wreck).  In most cases I guarantee if you look in the mirror you will find the person making yourself feel undesired...it is you my lovely. Find your sexy self again, and find it not because anyone else deserves but because you do!


“People generally didn't cheat in good relationships.” 
― Emily Giffin, Something Blue

3) Don't settle. Here we go again but seriously settling is the more detrimental thing you can do to yourself and someone else.  AND! If you are settling for someone than cheating may happen sooner than you think.  I have seen most people I know settle because they have been together a long period of time.  Do you know where they are now?? Divorced after multiple affairs, or separated juggling kids between cities, and so on.  Know your worth and do not cave to selling yourself short for whatever million and one excuses you can insert here for staying with someone that you are not crazy about.  Passion is needed, love is needed, there is a whole list of ingredients for love to flourish and if you are settling you just signed up to let yours die out and become bitter.  While yes all relationships teach us something, this lesson should most certainly NOT be to settle.  Be with someone you are CRAZY about.  Be with someone you truly love.  Be with someone that when you are with them you are not eye f*cking the waitress... that is right.  Fidelity is not actually hard once you realize that your relationship is not about punishing yourself because you might not meet anyone better or treated someone poor in your past.  Being faithful is a walk through Easy Town if you first realize you are worth incredible things in this world and second realize that means never settling.  Be passionate about your love life and your love and you will not be interested in anyone else I promise.

I have come a long way in mentality of cheating this past year.  While I still completely agree if you are straying you are lacking something, I do not fully agree that you can peg it all on your relationship.  You have to share the blame.  You have to ask yourself if you are part of the problem and why?  You will never grow, you will never flourish and you will never be fulfilled if you look at your life through the lens of blaming everyone else around you.  Grow up.  Evolve your life.  I guarantee once you fall in love with your sexy self and communicate openly with no settling fidelity will be as easy as 1...2....3!

I am extremely fortunate that being with The American comes so easily to me.  Ease of communication and lack of any judgement are the basis for open communication so I hope that you all find ease and happiness! But never have I been dating someone that has made me feel this way.  I am not saying I have not met men that have not been worthy (while I truly don't think I did) I WAS NOT WORTHY to find fidelity because I was all screwed up in my impressions and doubts and lies and the list goes on.  I was not whole.  So now fidelity is easy, in fact I find myself wanting it full time (which is sort of a new trend).  I find myself realizing that falling for someone truly means not wanting anyone else.  But, mostly not wanting anyone but the right one comes from being happy with myself! XO Until next week!