Polygamy:Why Not?

"Double your pleasure, double your fun.  It's better to have more women than one."

-My Dad

Basically if you do not have a good sense of humor do not read another word.  Oh hey, if you are still reading than I assume that you like to laugh, enjoy!

It is right around the moment when you realize that you need to tell Mr. TooGood about Mr. SexyDistraction that you will leave your phone at Mr. TooGood's place and he will see the flirtatious messages between you and said other men.  Cat out of the bag.  Some of you may be reading this thinking that is a violation of trust that he just looked at them, perhaps it is.  But, at the same time I would like to be completely honest with all the men in my life and let them chose to be in their situation.  So, let's just say we were both not exactly in the right and move on.  Now, all my cards are on the table, the fascinating part about this revelation is that they both told me to do what makes me happy while throwing around words like respect.  This made my situation even more difficult to deal with because they both handled the matter so well.  Neither got angry, neither yelled, both agreed that I was not in the wrong as it has only been a few weeks of pondering my two options (reminder one option is 1600 kms away after all).  So it really got me to thinking about our societal norms and polygamy to be honest.  Then I started to think about something the former Ms. J told me about why she dates multiple men all at once she said "I need more than one guy can give me so I find what I need in numerous men." Fascinating. See I personally do not see anything wrong with getting to know two, three perhaps even four men at the same time.  (Okay I think four would be over whelming to tell the whole truth).  So in my defense the following are three reasons why men should agree that sharing is not so bad:

Definition of POLYANDRY

: the state or practice of having more than one husband or male mate at one time.

-Webster Dictionary

1) The pressure is OFF! So your girlfriend wants you to go an art gallery opening right in play off season, what a bummer.  Or you have her sister's birthday dinner thing right when the boys annual fishing trip, totally whack.  Or perhaps she wants to stay in and cuddle up with a good movie when your favorite band is finally playing in town.  Well! enter the other man. Lucky for you this man does not like sports, he loves art, he does not fish and you two do not have the same taste in music so he is eager to take your place to dreary events that, let's face it, you would much rather skip.  But, of course you endure, not so much out of affection for your woman but more so out of fear of the trivial fights that you assume will happen if you do your own thing, sigh.   Good thing this other man is actually nothing like you (which is why he is so intriguing to her) and he gladly will pick up your slack and on the flip side you are doing the same for him.  See she has you and you are amazing, but there are times when you would like a break from your role and so the other man is pretty much doing you a favor.  If not for him then you feel pressure to put aside your aspirations and cater to her, with said other man in the picture this is not the case!  You are welcome! The pressure is officially off of you to be juggling all your life demands and hers, because let's face it she can be pretty demanding, can't she?  It is basically like having a clone (that is actually nothing like you) that can do the things that you REALLY do not want to ever do and therefore you're happy, she's happy, he is probably happy as well so really it is a win.

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.

-Mae West 

2) Sexual healing.  Can't keep up to your thirty something year old girlfriends libido? Thought so.  She tells you she feels unsatisfied but also estranged from you because her sex drive is racing at the speed of light and yours is flickering like an old flash light the older you get.  Damn you wish you could jump start the old boy  with your 18 year old lust cables, aren't their pills for this?  Enter the other man.  Now this is clearly the biggest problem in the "sharing is caring" formula.  You don't want to think of your woman being touched by some other dude.  But, here is the thing.  Do you love her?  Do you really want all the amazing things that are her?  Because you are going to lose her if she is not sexually satisfied I guarantee.  You have no idea how many women (pretty much ALL of them) that I have discussed this topic with.  We live in a society where men are seen as the sexual instigators but the older women get they become more demanding.  Let me tell you in my previous three relationships I have had the drawn out argument over sex, and it has been ME not him who wants it, wants more of it, wants it to be more extreme, and it is HIM that is emotional, frustrated and not putting out. I am not alone by the way Ms. K, Ms. M, the former Ms. J and so many others have expressed this exact frustrating scenario with their (oddly enough ) ex lovers.  And, I can tell you the more she wants you and the more you reject her, the more she will find satisfaction some place else, either alone or with someone else.  And, who wants to become that couple who don't even try anymore because what is the point?  So, wouldn't it be so much easier on you, on your fading libido, on your stress to perform, on your relationship if you just realized that one aging lover is never going to be enough?  Yes, and the thing is if she still wants you regardless of the lack of fulfillment she truly cares for you I promise so let her have her sexual freedom and as long as you don't waste your time thinking about this element and focus on the positive you will all be better off. (This is of course 100 percent theory as all of the men I know would NEVER be into this kind of sharing, a girl can dream can't she?).

Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

Scott Adams 

3) You look so good bra! That's is right pat yourself on the back.  You sir in allowing your lovely lady the ability to explore her dating options look more and more intriguing.  You must have confidence to spare if you agree to this kind of arrangement.  Damn that is sexy! You also must be VERY SPECIAL! You must know that you have something very important to contribute to your lady and thus other men may come and go but, you sir, you are the real deal that remains the constant.  And, look at how stoic you are.  You are embodying the "If you love something set it free" principle to a T.  Thus your love is true and your intentions are pure and in her best interests.  Allowing her to explore her options and being happy to be one before settling down.  Your life can change at any moment and at the end of it would you like to think "I met an amazing woman and got to have a chance with her" or would you rather be thinking "I met an amazing woman and tried to possess her so she ditched me." Life is what you make it, you cannot own the person you love, you can only give her the choice to be with you and hope at the end of the day you are her man.

There's only two people in your life you should lie to... the police and your girlfriend.

Jack Nicholson 

Of course this kind of mentality can only be applied to the first few months of dating.  Eventually you do know all your suitors well enough to make an informed decision and unfortunately it can not be to be with all of them, sad truth.  However, timing is everything, some nights you meet three intriguing men at a night club that all turn out to be total duds (sound familiar?) and other times you meet one really solid guy in a forest.  There is no way to foretell the future or which option is going to best for both of you.  Recently Ms. K has been dealing with this dilemma a man has been in hot pursuit of her and she has had a man (who treats her quite shabby) for a long while now.  Here is what we discussed, it is not that this man will become her new man, nor that they will have some romantic tryst or perhaps an amazing friendship it is the "WHAT IF?" question that will linger forever in her mind if she does not find out. And the what if scenario is not a positive phenomena for either person in your relationship.  You are distant and thinking what if, he picks up on your distance, it causes all sorts of problems.  And, you need to ask yourself if you are feeling the what if, is it fair to keep your love on the back burner not wise to what you are doing? Honesty is the only condition of multiple men, if you are hiding or covering up your actions because you know your partner would not be with you if you were honest than you are being deceitful.  IT IS OKAY TO BE UNSURE of what you want, we are all human. Of course we live in a society that totally frowns upon all the words in this blog, partially because a sassy woman is saying them (men are manly men that are encouraged to have multiple women in so many cultures) and partly because monogamy is the norm.  And, of course this blog is written in half hearted sarcasm but it was fun to think about.   Embrace your uncertainty, explore your curiosity and always, always, move forward with grace.  Thanks for reading! XO

He Started It! Why we play mind games.

Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.
Arnold Schwarzenegger 
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So a while back I wanted to blog about this because it seems to be a reoccurring theme in conversation, in my past relationships and with my friends.  With Mr. BIGmistake (you may remember Mr. Tattoo got renamed this well deserved title) I had told him about feeling a bit off about what to expect with him because some days he seemed over the moon and other days he seemed as though he did not even want to share the same planet as me.  (Hot and cold is not the most endearing way to treat anyone by the way.)  When asked about his behaviour his response was he was acting this way in order to "keep me on my toes."  Let me tell you if I wanted to be on my toes I would have become a ballerina.  Games.  Why is it that all relationships come with their own versions of them?  Here is my theory.  At first we are learning about our lovers, we are not sure what makes them tick and perhaps more importantly what makes them upset.  There comes a moment where we find this secret little switch.  For most women it is to be ignored (this is actually a whole blog topic in itself).  Ms. K often tells me that her man ignores her, and then later admits to intentionally ignoring her (if that is not a game, than I don't know what is) and it makes her extremely upset, as it would anyone.  So, one of the two in your relationship stumbles upon (typically by mistake the first time) what truly upsets the other.  Some kind of emotional reaction ensues.  For me I straight up own it.  I directly say what my lover does, said or whatever the case occurred in order to make me feel this way and I let them know it is not appreciated.  At 31 years old I am not one for games.  In fact, when games occur I am confused and directly confront the perpetrator of said games.  Games are nothing but a power struggle and become toxic as fast as they begin.  Carrying on from the above mentioned reaction ensuing, typically if one of you is not mature enough to say “Hey, let’s not play games and just enjoy each other” than this occurs, out of anger, pain, sadness, etc. all the emotions you should NOT make decisions out of you decide “Oh ya?! They think they can treat me this way, well just wait for me to do…” and so begins a viscous circle of ill intended actions to one up on another.  Let me explain why this is ridiculous!

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?
Vince Lombardi 
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1)      Your relationship is not a competition.  So your lover hurt your feelings.  That sucks.  Yes it hurts and yes you should absolutely talk about it.  But, there is a chance that they did not intentionally hurt you, and if their transgression is made purely out of a misunderstanding than give them a chance.  We all make mistakes don't we? However, if they did upset you intentionally than you really need to ask yourself why you are with someone who would want to intentionally harm you? If you are with someone who you feel is intentionally hurting you and then you decide to one up them then you need to ask yourself why?  Why are you wanting to intentionally hurt someone else?  It is not a game of one uping one another until the grand finale of what I assume is a very dramatic break up.  That is not a relationship.  That is a toxic, stress filled, union between two people who are actually very wrong for one another.  This cycle is impossible to understand.  I am guessing that this kind of showmanship is based on the fact the person who one ups, and by one up I means hurts the other person the most, wins.  If you are a person who wants to destroy someone and make them hurt worse than you ever have, than you do not love that person.  In fact, if you are this person I would strongly suggest you get counselling and figure out why you want to continuously do mean, hurtful things to someone you claim to care for.  When you truly love someone you do not try and hurt them intentionally, you actually do the opposite of that and try and protect them from pain. 

By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.
Lao Tzu 
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2)      Two wrongs make a right! Ya right! So your boyfriend went out all night and ignored you for two days.  Yes, this is not very considerate.  (And, yes he is a very craptacular boyfriend) However, this is not grounds for you to turn off your phone and go out and do body shots with any man in your sight.  No.  You feel like your actions are justified because your partner hurt you first.  I am just going to be straight up honest with you, they are not!  The way your react to someone doing something you don’t like is entirely your own doing.  I have blogged about this before OWN YOUR OWN ACTIONS, they are yours after all.  The way you act when you are hurt is completely your own choice, no one else can be blamed for what you do.  No one can make you act a certain way I am afraid, and blaming someone else for your shit behavior is preposterous! What are we children?  You made an ill intentioned plan to hurt someone and that was your own quest.  If you have a problem with your partner and what went down between them than hash it out! Don’t run around saying “But he started it!” like your relationship is some kinds of infantile recess game.  You are both adults.  If you feel like you need to hurt someone to prove their actions hurt than you are seriously mistaken.  You can actually have a conversation, we are adults aren't we?  You have no idea how many times Mr. X AND Mr. AA use to say "Oh I treat you this way (a.k.a hurt me intentionally) do you get it." If this is your mentality than you are an idiot.  If he knows certain actions hurt you and still does them anyways than the chances that he actually cares about you at all are low.  And, once again you should really ask yourself why you want to be with someone who actually does mean actions in the hopes of hurting you?  Love is not seeing what hurts someone and doing it back at them because you think they deserve to be hurt, love is realizing that you hurt someone and saying you are sorry because you should only want them to be happy.  Furthermore it is far easier to live with ones self when your actions are not ill intended, when you do what is right, facing yourself in the mirror and liking what you see is more probable. 

When you are winning a war almost everything that happens can be claimed to be right and wise.
Winston Churchill 
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3)      This third point is a mix of two points I think.  The first being power! Sweet delicious control and power.  If you are able to keep your lover down than you are in control.  You are the one who has all the cards and you always win.  Well, congratulations! You win at making someone who loves you feel awful on a regular basis.  You are in control of someone who loves you so much they stay with you even though you constantly bring them down and then kick them when their down.  What a dreadful way to live, love and be.  “Love is not possession, Love is appreciation”(Osho).  But, if you are this type of person you will probably never understand this concept.  Which leads me to the second part of this point.  POWER! The most addictive feeling I would have to say.  The rush you have of knowing you have it can be intoxicating to some.  Personally to me now when I have it, it feels like a hot potato! I can not wait to hand it back! So here we go: toss, toss, toss power back and forth because when neither of you are power hungry you do not really want the damn power potato.  But there are some who grab that power potato, devour it and demand more and these people are the kinds of people who LOVE GAMES! Games allow them not only to gain their power but also to flex it every time and time again.   When I was with Mr. AA he use to do this too me all the time, he would do dreadful things to me and then claim he did them just to make sure I still cared, or whatever his excuse would be.  It was the most stressful time of my life.  Constantly feeling on edge and not knowing what the hell is going on with your lover is I am pretty sure the definition of anxiety and the recipe for complete emotional melt down.  But you get so hooked on their games because their games also involve a rush of intense emotions.  For every little day of ignoring, or harsh words, or whatever there is a moment of complete infatuation, apologies and passion and when that part of the game hits you are so low and exhausted from the harsh part that you cling to the feeling of appreciation for dear life...until it's game time! And once again you are in an unhealthy cycle of he loves me, he loves me not until the only person who you don't love is yourself because you have lost yourself in this abusive nonsense you think is love. 

So I often feel a complete loss of control when I am starting to fall for someone, because falling in love is losing control.  Also, falling into a relationship is losing control.  You give up a little of yourself in the interest of being with someone and this can be a very frightening realization! In particular when you discover the first little game, or power hiccup in your union.  So, you can decide at this point the kind of person you want to be in your relationship.  Are you going to fuel games and become an ill intentioned partner?  Or are you going to directly face what is bothering you and try and make things healthy?  How you feed into the beginning of your relationship will mold the rest of your relationship trust me.  If you decide that you are going to be spiteful and lash out, or perhaps you are going to go over the top and become a very dramatic lunachick either reaction is feeding the cycle of childish games that are both irritating and useless.  OR! You can straight up say what you are clearly thinking and how that makes you feel and put an end to games.  Here is the thing, I would much rather my partner tell me “Hey, when you said this blah, blah, blah…” rather than him think my actions were directed at some hidden motive to control him and react by doing the disappearing act to “teach me a lesson.” The only lesson I am learning from that reaction is 1) you are immature, 2) you are trying to make me feel bad and 3) this will never work.   Games are frustrating, they make everyone involved unhappy, they are the gateway to toxicity and they are just childish so to everyone out their playing them I say “No thanks!”

Sorry if you were tuning in this week to read about Mr. TooGood and Mr. SexyDistraction, I promise an update soon! XO 

3 Lies Women Tell Men

“If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.” 
― Mark Twain

Recently I have been embracing my height.  As some of you know I am 5 foot, 10 inches tall.  I have had a very nice collection of heels for years that I have barely worn.  Until this week when several men complimented me on my height and not only did they like it, they actually thought tall was sexy.  And, being in the right mind frame I heard their words and believed them, and it felt amazing. This is a foreign concept to me.  All my life my lovers have told me it creeps them out when I wear heels and am taller them, or my friends have ridiculed me for being so tall that I never need a ladder or my sister calling me a freak and I began to believe that tall was everything but wanted.  UNTIL NOW, tall is sexy, AND so is short.  Here is the thing, different strokes for different folks and both can be desirable and both are awesome.  But, this revelation got me to thinking why almost my whole life have I been hiding from my height.  Agreeing with men when they say no to heels and wearing plain ugly flats, while always longing for those hot little stilettos in the window.  Why would I say things like "Ya, when you are freakishly tall heels are not a good idea" when inside all I wanted to do was rock heels. And, also, thinking if super models are also tall than aren't freaks sort of adored?  Shouldn't tall be considered sexy not frowned upon?  Then I got to thinking about all the times I have lied to the men in my life because I wanted to agree or make them happy.  AND THEN, I got to thinking of the lies all women I know tell to men and the social accepted lies that permeate our society and so the following are three lies women have told men (note that most of this is written in good humor so please take it in without offence).  Also, take note of the solutions posed at the  end of each point to avoid hearing these lies time and time again, and more so to avoid certain truths coming out in social circles where such matters should remain under wraps.

“I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche

1) "Size does not matter." Okay I am going to credit women for this origin, as I have seen how ruthless men can be to their comrades and so there is NO WAY a man came up with this one.  I imagine there was some man with a smaller than most package and his loving wife or girlfriend told him it did not matter out of love and BAM! this rumor spread like wildfire to all the men feeling ill equipped.  Sorry boys, from all the women I have ever know, and myself this is a lie.  Size does matter.  I have often spoken with Ms. K, Ms. M, Ms. A and the former Ms. J and they have both expressed extreme dissatisfaction in size.  I myself have actually not gone a second date with a certain man who will remain unnamed because when I reached down to see what he was packing it was not the handful I knew I would be satisfied with.  Here is my theory on this, men who know they have a good (no let's make that great) sized joy stick have more confidence in bed and thus in general will make (and do make) better lovers.  So perhaps it is not entirely based on size but in my personal experience and in every single woman I have come across and discussed this with we all agree size does matter.  Basically if you are wondering if women talk about your cock size the answer is absolutely we do, I once had a girlfriend make me a plado recreation of her lover's appendage, men have been compared to all kinds of objects from soup cans to pinky fingers.  Women talk about everything, so if you are a man and you have lived under the opinion that we have been talking about everything but that, than you have been living in your own lie.  Here is the trick to have your lady friend be kind in describing your package.  Be a selfless lover and treat her right, you can be packing the smallest of surprises in your boxers but if you treat your woman right she will never divulge the truth.  Women often hide the less desirable details of their lovers from others if they are treated right and truly care for them.  She will say it is a good size to her ladies even if the two of you know different.  So, if you are reading this thinking you are screwed because size does matter, I am telling you over compensate in other areas and your woman will be happy.  Sex is not all about your package after all.  However, if you are reading this and feeling ill equip and you have treated your women poorly, than you should know all her girlfriends know this, in fact I would say if you have been really cruel it goes beyond that circle to her friend's friends, and their boyfriends and possibly coworkers, and, hey, maybe even one day this blog, so play nice.


“Above all, don't lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.” 
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

2) "Oh I totally understand, this happens all the time to guys" If you guess erectile dysfunction than you move to the head of the class.  Can't get it up? Damn rights this offends the woman you are with. Unless you have had testicular cancer (which is the only time she will not be offended) than women will not believe this is a natural occurance.  Here is why, when you can't get it up and perform as she is naked and waiting here is what goes through her head "I'm not pretty enough, I'm not skinny enough, I'm not tight enough, I'm not good enough...etc" A million and one "I'm nots" go through her brain.  BECAUSE you are the man, you are the sex that is always turned on and ready rumble, so if you are not than it can not be your fault, it has to be hers.  NOW, I am going to tell you how to hop from awkward softness to claiming your love life back with this woman. Focus on her, that's right, tell her something like if you can just focus on her for a moment that might help things.  BUT! Do not try and have sex with her if you half get excited while you are focusing on her, this just leads to a series of clumsy attempts that leave you both feeling worse.  Because, by this age I know this phenomena really does affect men psychologically and their thoughts about it more often than not make this encounter a complete write off. SO,  JUST FOCUS ON HER.  Make her feel sexy and of course get her off and at the end of this session I guarantee she will only be feeling happy and content that you are not a selfish lover who only wants to please her when you can get off yourself.  And, when she recounts your tryst to he girlfriends your abilities will be praised not scoffed at.

“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” 
― George Washington

3) "No that is totally fine" Bet you all guessed this one was coming didn't you?  Of course you did! (my smart little readers).  F= fucked up I = Insecure N = Neurotic E = Emotional Unstable = FINE.  When a woman says fine in this context she is NOT FINE.  For real, here is an example:
 Mr. X "Oh I can't make your family reunion because I have decided to stay at work to get overtime."
Me: "Oh that is fine work is important" IMPORTANT?!?! Seriously, important is a family reunion I spent a year planning, important is prioritizing your life because work does not clean and cook for you, work does not tell you how much it cares, work does not make you laugh after a hard day, work does not knit damn scarfs for all your female family members...does it?  No it does not.  When a woman says she is fine after you have done something incredible thoughtless she is not fine.  And, she is either stewing away slowly and will EXPLODE over something so trivial you will wonder what the downstairs screen door not closing properly is so enraging, or she will find someone to vent to, or perhaps she will change her stance and actually cause a fight with you.  Here is a way to avoid hearing the word fine, instead of saying what you can not do, say something amazing you can do.  For example suggest on your days off you take her to the spa, diner, beach, etc she has been talking about, suggest something that is awesome! Then once you hash out the details of your new amazing plan try easing into your cancellation.  Never take your woman for granted, because with 3.4 billion men in this world you can bet your ass that there is one out there who has already figured this out and will treat her like gold.

“A truth that's told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.” 
― William Blake, Auguries of Innocence

Honesty hour:
It is always right when you have met a really great man and that things are going well that you will be once again blind sided by Mr. SexyDistraction, and he will be just as sweet, and funny, and sexy and the only thing that you find yourself thankful for is that he lives 1600 kms away.  See I know Mr. TooGood (the psudonym I gave the gentlemen mentioned in the previous blog short for Mr. TooGoodToBeTrue)  is an awesome guy, he is patient, funny, smart, non-judgemental, etc. everything a woman wants, everything I want...but, then when Mr. SexyDistraction texts me why do I feel confusion?  Is it possible to go from feeling like there are no amazing men in this world to being with one and thinking about another? Why do these situations arise?  The only thing I do know, that we all know I am sure by now, is that you unfortunately can not have your cake and eat it too.  Someone always ends up without cake (a.k.a getting hurt) and one needs to decide is it time to jump on the relationship boat with Mr. TooGood as the captain (but scouring the sexy shore lines for Mr. SexyDistraction), or whether it is safer to stay on the shore flirting with the Mr. SexyDistraction (but always longing to be on that boat with the amazing Mr. TooGood).  Why is the grass always looking so damn green on that other side?  Why in situations words like no and that is a bad idea are so illusiive? But, I know that there is no grey area, there is no having it both ways so until next week this is my dilemma.  As always asking you to send your positive thoughts my way, perhaps they will knock the ridiculous ones out of this pretty little head.  Thanks for reading XO

Looking for Love in all the wrong places?

Better understated than overstated. Let people be surprised that it was more than you promised and easier than you said.
Jim Rohn 
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It is right when you have slid into comfortably numb with a side of complete disinterest in the opposite sex that someone will come along and rattle your ideas about what is and what should be.  Don’t get me wrong in my long past of being torched by the flames of love only to be left with the painful scars and useless ashes I am not quick to forget that in the beginning all men are always incredible.  However, that does not mean that all men are going to be disappointing.  So I will share a little story here about last weekend and then dive into my topic for this week.  I was really looking forward to dancing on Saturday but the show, Ms. January and I, were intending to attend up in Squamish was cancelled.  We attended a BBQ and were disappointed about the lack of dancing planned for our future.  LUCKILY! This all changed with one text.  (Fast forward to the dancing location).  We arrived at the music show and it was amazing!  I danced the night away, literally the sun was rising as I headed home.  But, before the day began a man dropped a case of water to the left of me and offered water to anyone who might be thirsty.  I approached and he mentioned he was also selling beer.  Perfect!  I offered to buy one so we began to walk back to his truck.  On our walk I noticed something miraculous about him, he was kind and generous to the many party goers that approached him, this attitude I observed all night.  As he would quickly dart around the location helping with errands that needed to be done before spinning some music himself.  When all was said and done the sun light enabled me to see his amazing blue eyes and dimples, so when he asked if he could kidnap me for the day I said “yep.”  It turned out to be the best day date possible.  We went to his place and he hopped the fence of this gated community that had a hot tub.  As I sat in the cool morning air, sipping a drink and chatting in the hot tub I began to think feel my heart thaw a little and I began to think that maybe good hearted men were capable of treating women right.  After our hot tub excursion we spent the day chatting and he fed me an amazingly delicious pasta dish he had made.  I told him about my previous issues with dating he went in the house for a while as I sat enjoying the sunny yard.  He then came out, he picked a beautiful flower and gave it to me and told me there was a surprise upstairs for me.  I walked upstairs and there was a bubble bath, with a box of chocolates and bottle of wine.  Seriously, I almost cried but then got over whelmed with happiness that I get to enjoy this luxury! And that someone actually thought of doing something for me so thoughtful!  So I slid into the perfectly hot bath and soaked in relaxation, ate chocolate and sipped wine.  I honestly think it is the nicest thing someone has ever done for me, and it was completely genuine as he did not even attempt to sneak in for a peak of my bathing body.  This made me have a deep respect for him and also made me realize that his actions were not self motivated.  Eventually we were both exhausted so we went to sleep and he did not make a move on me.  Which sort of bothered me at first so I asked him about it and a few seconds later I was  experiencing the most amazing kiss of my life.  Chemistry is an incredible thing to find.  If you find someone that just in a kiss you feel the passion of their entire soul, hold on to it.    Oh yes I guess this would be a good time to give him a pseudonym, how about Mr. ...hmmm, I am having a problem finding the word to describe someone who is just naturally good willed, treats people right, and is nothing short of impressive...

Time changes everything except something within us which is always surprised by change.
Thomas Hardy 
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Anyways, this week what is further interesting is that both Ms. January and the Fort Mac Girls are experiencing this as well!  We four are all having these moment where we chat and they tell me something incredible about a date, or words exchanged and then I tell them something incredible and we are all a bit confused coming from such jaded pasts filled with men, who to put it nicely, are complete douches.  This got me to thinking, is it possible these men are on the market at the ideal time because there is a cycle to break ups?  Is it possible that there is a time frame that women lap (and men) after their break up that makes them the perfect partner for someone else?  The following are three time concepts about dating post break ups and their success rates:

1)     Baby, you’re just a rebound fling.  Now, this is an interesting scenario, because the former Ms. J and I both have had pretty similar dating patterns so I am going to share our experiences.  Both Ms. J and I dated men for long periods of time, then totally swore off men for a while then fell into ridiculous relationships that lasted roughly 2 weeks to three months (clearly mine was Mr. Tattoo and hers we will call Baldilocks).  These short lived relationships were riddled with intense emotions, but I believe that is the case because these were our rebound men.  Yes, the rebound men are not just men that you get a little action after a break up, I think after almost a year of being single, the first person to actually really peak your interest and pursue you can lead you to fall hard, fast and dangerously into what you try and claim is love but is really just foolishness.  Ms. J did the same thing after breaking up with her Mr. X she fell for Baldilocks and so quickly they fell into this crazy little thing called love, or did they?  “Rebounds are rarely based on love but are really a way of alleviating the loneliness people feel when a relationship ends. Even people who wanted their previous relationship to end can fall for the rebound phenomenon. Rebounding can feel like love for the simple reason that the people involved want to be in love.”(1)   I imagine these longings of love and the potential of love are only further intensified the longer someone is alone.   In this regard I am stoked!  Because it really just means Mr. Tattoo (who I would like to rename Mr. BIGmistake) was my rebound fling (which explains why it only took three days to get over him, and why Ms. J can now look back at her fling with Baldilocks and laugh.  I also think this kind of foolery comes into play ONLY after you have fooled yourself into thinking that you are definitely emotionally fulfilled enough in your own life that you do not desire anyone in it.  Which you are clearly not if in the span of only a few short weeks you are acting like you have been together for years, talking about marriage, and moving to different cities.  Give your head a shake.  Love grows over time, your life can be long and so you better make sure that you are with the one you want to be with, not the first person that made you feel loved since your ex made you feel like you were everything but loveable.

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
George Will 
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2) Sexy stranger love!  So this is exactly what I blogged about with Mr. Elevator, if you can remember him after all this time! There was an instant attraction, but the thing is when one of you likes to dance the night away in a crowd full of people while the other likes to stay in listening to historical recounts on tape alone it is CLEAR there is probably going to be a lot of bumps in the road.  (The whole introvert with extrovert thing, will it ever work? that is a whole other blog topic!) But, of course instead of listening to the constant reminders screaming at you called red flags you get lost in your passion and think that it must be something special.  Of course don't get me wrong chemistry and amazing sex are extremely hard to walk away from, of course they are.  But, they are also not going to be the only two reasons you are with someone for the long term.  "When we fall in lust we often think we’re in love for three reasons; the attraction is instantly intense and therefore feels pre-destined, you are essentially strangers meaning that your idea of who the person is resides almost entirely in the realm of fantasy and fantasies always seem perfect, and finally, you have yet to really see the other person for who they are because you are so caught up in a whirlwind of desire that you see only what you want to see. If love blinds then lust gouges out your eyes and renders you an irrational mess. "(2) Check Mate. So while your over active libido is leading you on a roller coaster that will derail it is hard to see it that way until you have completely ran away from the flames and extinguished yourself.  Lust is not love, lust is love's deranged cousin that will light your soul on fire and set you up for major disappointment!

Expect the best, plan for the worst, and prepare to be surprised.
Denis Waitley 
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3) He's the other man.  Now this can be disputed if you want but in actually let's just be real.  If you were with another man behind your man's back and then decided to switch it up you are soon going to learn that half of the appeal of this other man, was that he was exactly that, the other man.  The secret hookups, the naughty manor of your relations, the taboo ways of your love are a huge part of why you think you love your affair.  It is also you and he against your man, he is your sanctuary from someone (who is probably actually lovely) that you deem worth trashing to your lover which gives you a bond that is (while ubsurd) intense.  But, as I unfortunately have learned and Ms. M is now learning this other man is often not what you want!  See he is also probabl, in large part, an excuse to end your relationship, the coward's way out so at first you view him not only as an amazing sexual experience against the rules, but you also view him as a bit of knight in shinning armour (swoon).  He has saved you from your treacherous relationship with someone you clearly should not be with and now the two of you will live happily ever after...ya right!! If even one bit of that last though made sense to you give yourself a slap!  Come on now.  And, while there are so many amazing examples of Hollywood Starlets that exemplify these classy love affairs, let's not forget.  Stars are not real people! Unless you have so much money for pretending to be things you are not to the point where you don't really know what reality is anymore than don't compare these people to you. Also, lets not forget you cheated to make yourself feel better and then soon your new lover will upset you, and then what?  Will you cheat on your new man with a new man?  Will you just continue on an unhealthy circle of the same behaviour?  Ridiculous.  Another example that you should heed warning of is that once you are no longer the intriguing taken woman and you become old news will your lover still want you?  I remember after I left Mr. NiceGuy for my lover he soon lost interest because things got too serious. Trust me it is not a good feeling to realize you lost a really great man who actually cared about you over some random fun fling that you really meant nothing too.. 

Lead the life that will make you kindly and friendly to everyone about you, and you will be surprised what a happy life you will lead.
Charles M. Schwab 
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Of course all people are different and so are all circumstances, but the above mentioned situations just seem to play out all the time around me and I just have to express that sometimes love is not even really in the picture at all.  Find someone that is not a rebound, a one night stand, an object of lust, or your side dish is my suggestion.  I feel incredibly lucky this week to meet someone that reminds me that there is goodness in men and others on a regular basis and that it may be possible for hearts to heal, with a little help.  But, I am disappointed in myself because I expect the worst, after all this heart is made up of primarily scar tissue by this point in time.  I feel regret that when he says a kind word I feel a rush of anxiety as await the negative feedback that I am so use to hearing after a compliment.  And, when there is only kindness a wave of uneasiness rolls over me...BUT! after this I feel what I imagine most people feel instantly and that is happy and touched with gratitude.  Who knows what the future holds but I do know that with more moments of kindness around me it is possible for me to let go of my negative impressions of what should be and have hope for the future.  Thanks for reading! XO 

References: 
1) Hardcastle, Mike "Three Things That Only Feel Like Love" http://teenadvice.about.com/od/loveanddating/a/3thingslove_4.htm
2) Ibid.

All pictures pop up if you google men in bathtubs, you're welcome.