I Survived

This week is a deeper reflection on a topic I have been thinking about a long time.  I survived two years of domestic violence with Mr.AA.  The following are three reasons I am where I am today, healthy and happy.  I am a survivor.

1) I got out.  I moved back to small town nowhere and helped my family deal with my dad becoming increasingly disabled.  Fortunately Mr. AA stayed in the flatlands and we broke up and never got back together.  I stayed with my parents and he stayed wherever he stayed I am not sure.  While I would give anything to have a better story of escaping my abusive cycle I don't.  However, I am alive.  Mr.AA threatened to kill me, one night he told me he would throw me into moving traffic right before twisting my wrist into a sprain and kicking my taillights in on my car because I caught him fooling around on me at the pub.  The only answer to survival is getting out, and staying out.  This is also the hardest step.

2) Support network.  I am incredibly grateful for my family.  They were there for me, cooking, caring, keeping me busy as I came back to life.  I came back to life.  I felt worth love slowly, I began to laugh and to feel joy.  I felt like I awoke from a depressing nightmare.  While in my abusive relationship I would have sworn I needed Mr.AA to feel good.  I felt totally addicted to him, because he broke me to a new low, from this low the small high I would get from the good times had my head a mess.   But, my circle of amazing friends and my family saved my life.

3) No Self Blame.  This is still something I sometimes struggle with.  It is not my fault that Mr.AA was abusive.  The moment you truly accept that it is not your fault you will be free.  Your abuser will break you to believe that you cause their actions.  This is a frightening mind game that comes from a vicious cycle of mental, emotional and physical abuse. You are not to blame for your abuse. Ever.  You need to hear this and know that no matter what you do in your relationship your partner never has the right to abuse you.  You deserve healthy interactions that empower you.  You are not to blame.

Forgive all the guilt, anger, pity and other negative feelings you have over your past relationships.  Surround yourself by uplifting support network.  I am a survivor of abuse and I am stronger than I have ever been.  I am not to blame, I am surrounded by love and most important I am alive, all because I got out. Thank you for your support by reading.

Public Transit Etiquette

Taking a quick break from relationship advice to give some commuting advice.  After watching a poor, very pregnant woman cling for dear life for almost half an hour today I have five tips for all commuters everywhere.

1) Seats (in particular in the front) are for those in need.  If you are an able body young person you should not be sitting texting your friends as an elderly man with a walker struggles.  Wake up people!!!! Look at each stop and decide if your seat is needed, if it is offer it.

2) STOP TALKING SO LOUD. With all the cellular technology in this world there is no need for you to yell your conversation while sardined on the bus.  No one cares they just want to get home.  Get off your phone and ride the bus for ten minutes, then call your friend and talk about all the amazing things that I have overheard such as how drunk you were last night, who is having a party and whose girlfriend fought with who...omg! Grow up.

3) Walk quickly on the left of the escalator.   This is the deal.  The left side of the escalator is for walking.  The right side is for standing.   The end.

4) TAKE OFF YOUR BACKPACK.  I see that the signs and pictures illustrating this are not enough so I will explain.  Your backpack takes up space AND hits seated people in the face, take off your backpack and store it at your feet.  This is common sense really, I mean your backpack is a large hump on your back.

5)Move over.  To every person who has ever sat in the outside seat of the two seated isle and then put your lap sized bag on the other seat so you take up two seats, thank you for nothing.  Move over.  Make room, in particular in rush hour.  And, if someone asks you to move over and you are rude about it or worse, you say no, you are not a transit worthy person, you sir (and more often ma'am) should buy a scooter, car, whatever where you can put all your many bags and not be a nuisance to others just trying to get home.

The truth is most of these are practical courtesy.   These tips are being conscious of those around you, those in need,those commuting, let's all take a moment and try respect one another.
Thanks for reading! XOXO

Confidence is Key

 “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story
 

So I have had a lot of time dating and researching the topic to decide that confidence is the key to both racking up your dance card with singles who want to take you dancing, and for a healthy relationship.  The truth is that while all people come in all shapes and sizes, with a multitude of preferences, at the end of the day confidence will get you remembered, confidence will land you the job, confidence will separate you from the other competitors, confidence is the personality trait you should feed.  The following are three reasons why confidence is such a sexy little aphrodisiac.

 

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”
― Bernard M. Baruch

 

1) You are not needy.  A sad down hill struggle forms when we lose our confidence.  We look for it in others.  We become a not-so-hot-mess of co-dependence who requires constant validation.  SNAP OUT OF IT WOMAN! The truth is you do not NEED anyone to be happy, fabulous, fantastic you.  When you are confident you do not need vaildation because you know your own worth.  You know your time is valuable.  You know that when you call someone, and they don't answer you have way better things to do than turn into a needy person and call and text twenty more times.  Why? Because you value yourself, your time, your effort.  AND! The most important thing is that you pity any fool who doesn't recognize how awesome you are.  Don't waste your time searching for your confidence in the validation of others, you will never find it there (trust me I have tried).  Find your confidence in you and rock it!

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life 

2) You are 100 % you.  Confident people do not conform.  Confident people are not affraid to say no thank you or YES PLEASE! Confident people find their passions in life and do not bat an eye when someone tries to rain on thier parade.  Confident people face the storm and enjoy life.  Confident people are a lucky bunch! They have the capability to realize that only insecure people bring others down and therefore they are not affraid to try hilarious new things such as attempting prancercising, or dance walking just for fun, confident people MOST importantly do not suffer with ill gotten company.  Over the years I have realized that there are many kinds of people in this world, some people will tear you down in a heart beat, while others will bring you up instantly.  Surround yourself with gold.  I see so many people trudging through life in relationships with men that treat them like sh*t because they are not confident enough to stand up and say "NOT TODAY.  Today I want more for myself."  Grab life by the horns and ride that bull, we are not getting any younger.

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

3) Confident people face their consequences.  You know what is SO retroactive?  Passing the buck.  UGH!! There is nothing that is more stagnant and that I despise more than when someone tries to pawn off their actions on someone else.   Confident people say "Opps, I f*cked up, I am very sorry, here is how to fix it" THE END.  I have talked this little scenario to death but here goes one last time.  You absolutely cannot have a productive healthy realationship when you play the blame game.  Classic example: You did (insert sh*t thing here) so I did (sh*t thing here) to show you...." NO, no, no-no, NO.  This is tragic.  This is never ending cycle of "getting even" and hurting one another until the cows come home because neither of you is confident enough to say "You know what, I hear you, I made a mistake."  You will never ever succeed in life if you are a buck passer.  Your coworkers will hate you, your lover will see you as a burden and a source of stress, your family will wish you would just grow the f*ck up.  My best advice to you is grow a pair.  Realize in life we make mistakes, we sometimes have less than admirable intentions, we all f*ck up, own it, move on and feel better about yourself already.

 “Accept who you are; and revel in it.”
― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie

 

CONFIDENCE is most liberating and freeing feeling you can adapt.  It comes from with in but is fostered through success, love, friends, and so much more.  Find as many outlets that make you feel fantastic and stay true to those.  Cut the fat of your clogged depressed arteries and find the things and people in your life that help your heart skip a beat.  The longer you stay wallowing with confidence issues the longer you are actually manifesting negative outcomes on your life that in all accounts should be incredible.  Thanks for reading! XOXO

Love is not Posession

As The American looks for work, my lunachick wheels began to turn and I started to have unrealistic ideals of the possibilities.  But, as time passes I become more and more aware that he may go back to Americaland and I will sail into the seas of singlehood.   Right when these thoughts set in and I want to dig my spurs into the ground and try with all my might to keep The American I must remember the following three points:

1) Somethings are just not meant to be...ever.   My dearest girlfriends Ms.K and Ms.J always the optimists, tell me that things have a way of working out.  They surely do.   Except not in the Rom-com sort of way we all wish they would.  In reality people break up, for reasons out of thier control, and never get back together.  It is a sort of sad truth, but a truth, none the less. It seems at the end of every relationship, my girlfriends always say "One day he will come crawling back..." I need to tell you this doesn't happen.  They don't come back, thankfully!! And also you shouldn't go back either.  When it is over, it is over.  This doesn't mean this person was not your  soul mate for a moment in time, nor does it mean that your relationship was not amazing.  All it means is that some times the universe has other plans for you.  You cannot cling to someone in the hopes they are your forever and ever mate, their life path is not yours to control.

2) Learn your lesson.  Each union teaches us something amazing.   The American has taught me how to appreciate someone, how to feel again and how to take a deep breath and sort sh*t out when communication is breaking down.  These are invaluable lessons for life.  Each person we date teaches us something about ourselves and others which we did not know before.   Sometimes these people teach us what love is while others teach us what love should never be.  Everyday we learn and grow and the time we share interacting with others is crucial to our self reflection and development.  Learn as much as you can from your relationships, come out of them enlightened, not bitter.  I have written about this before, how society makes us view our breakups as failures, however, I say clinging desperately to a dead

relationship is the failure.  Breakups force us to grow, to feel, to flourish, and best of all to go out and find love again.

3) Know when to let go.   The American probably has 99 problems weighing on his mind.  I should not be one of those.  The truth is when you truly love someone you do set them free.  Not in the rip-thier-heart-out-never-forget-you kind of way.  But, the realization that things just logically don't work.   I mean long distance with no end goal, I mean he wants kids you don't kind of issues, I mean you want to get married and he says "nooooo way" kind of differences that are the end of your united goal.   If you see that your union is no longer headed for the same future goal, that is okay, that is life.   A relationship really only flows if both components have the same amicable goal, in particular, at this age. Not all of us want the same things.  Some of us have to move, some of us have to stay, there are so many people doing what they have to do, we cannot stop one another from doing what we feel is right.  We cannot force our will on others.  We have to appreciate that their fate needs to take them where they need to go and it doesn't need you stalling the flow by clutching onto your love forcing them to stay.

We often guilt trip, fight, bribe, cry,etc., our way out of situations we don't like in order to make others do what we want.  While this kind of behavior is fine for speeding tickets, it does not work for relationships.  Love is not possession, it is appreciation.  Love is learning, and sadly, love is letting go.

I added sexy men to brighten this post this week. Courtesy of Google.

Men Are NOT Idiots

Sorry for all those people reading this who love the movie Frozen.  Truth is I also enjoy it! The songs are catchy, I have a sister and I love the idea of the female heroin.  All great concepts that are often overlooked in movies.  However, once the cute nostalgic vibe wears off and you actually look at the movie, it has a clear message, women should carry men.   This message is further integrated into pop culture through shows such as Married with Children, The Simpsons, King of Queens, and Family Guy.  The following are three representations in pop culture that harm gender equality in our relations.

1) Men are poor but women can support
them.  Yikes! And, we wonder why our daughters date Billy Welfare who smokes pot all day and plays video games.  TV has invoked a sense of men working odd jobs and being terrible with money, and I mean horrific, as in if they have the family savings they gamble it all or buy bowling shoes.  Frozen for example, the woman is a princess and the man is an....ice salesman??? Really??? Total equality there.  But, as usual it doesn't matter in Lalaland as they have love....ya right??? Wake up people.  Women and men need to be financial equals.

2) Men are apparently stupid.   Why do all shows display men dependant on the smarts of women?? This sets the bar incredibly low for boys and men.  If I were a man I would be pissed.  I would wonder why my gender is constantly portrayed as morons and that women are always so clever.  Reality Check: men and women are both intellectual, in fact some women are incredibly stupid, as are some men.  Trust me date someone who is your intellectual equal.  Without shared intellect you will always be lacking some thing, not to mention your friends and parents will shudder at the thought of conversing with your mate.

3) RESPECT.  Hmm, why is it in pop culture men never listen to their wives?? They always tell them they are nagging and do what they want.  BAD IDEA ALERT! If you ignore your woman and do the opposite of what she asks you will soon not have a woman (if she respects herself) or! You will treat your woman like garbage because you can (and she doesn't respect herself).  Real men are equals to their wives, they listen, they make decisions together and they certainly don't think it is cool to be disrespectful.
Oh mass media you fail both genders when you negatively portray men.  Men are awesome.  They are equals.  They are not ignorant pigs who can only hold the poverty line with zero respect for women.  They are much, much, MUCH more.  As a woman it irritates me to see such crap roles for men and the acceptance of woman of these crap roles.  By accepting these roles we see more and more young women being treated poorly and more young men thinking this behavior is so cool.  You know what is cool? Equality.  Thanks for reading!

Date Your Mom

"The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness."

Please take this title figuratively, not literally, unless your nights are filled with banjo strumming over moonshine in the bayou than you should know this already.  This blog is not about the benefits for a man dating a woman like his mother, no, no, this blog is the about the benefits for women to date a man with a mother who has similar personalily traits.  The following are 3 reasons:

 "As mothers and daughters, we are connected with one another. My mother is the bones of my spine, keeping me straight and true. She is my blood, making sure it runs rich and strong. She is the beating of my heart. I cannot now imagine a life without her."

1) R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  What I have come to realize in my 32 years of life is everyone has different standards of respectful behavior, ways in which we speak and treat one another may be completely fine for one mother and atrocious to the next.  Date a man whose mother instilled your sense of respect.  Trust me it will cut way down on arguments.  The truth is I dated a man whose mother laughed at her children's rude attitude towards her, in exchange he laughed off important conversations and spoke rudely to me.  Mother's are the women who frame how men will respect women.  Save yourself a lot of grief and find a mother-in-law who raised a respectful son, well at least on your standards.

"The mother-in-law is the centre of a family."

Les Dawson

 

2) Quirky.   All my life I have been told I am strange.  Let me please tell you: date a man who grew up with an eccentric mother.   The American did not seem so taken back by me wanting to take photos of my dog and putting outfits on him.  Then we Skyped with his mom and her cat, Sooki.  A man who has grown up with a wonderful and weird mother will appreciate you, regardless of your oddities.  I am NOT saying he won't think you are an odd duck.  Not at all.  However! If he has grown up with quirky women than he will not be accustom to pointing out your strange behaviors.  You will be a lot happier with a man whose grown up with a mother unique like you!

"The only thing more intimidating than a huge international film star is your mother-in-law."

Benjamin Walker

3) Flaws.  I would never write about the flaws of the mother of the man I love because I love her and I respect her.  However, I hypothesize if you date a man whose mother has similar flaws to you than he will be more willing to love you flaws and all.  No one is perfect, if you find yourself relating to a flaw your man voices about his mother appreciate this.  It means he has loved a woman longer through a flaw you identify in yourself.

Truth be told any man should take it as a compliment if I were to tell them they were like my father.   He is a wonderful man who treats people right.  Life in a relationship has enough new terrain, finding a woman or a man who shares personality traits with your parents will solve you a lot of grief.

Separate Beds: What does it mean?

"I love sleep.  My life has a tendency of falling apart when I am awake."

-Ernest Hemmingway

I first need to apologize for my own bias.  When I was first asked to blog about this topic by a dear girlfriend of mine (who will remain anonymous) I thought the worst.   To me personally I want to wake up everyday to the man I love and fall asleep the same way.  But, this does not mean my opinion is for everyone.  The following are three scenarios where separate beds may save your union.

 “Each night, when I go to sleep, I die. And the next morning, when I wake up, I am reborn.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

1) He (or perhaps she) snores or has sleepapnia. Here is the truth sleepapnia is frightening!!! I saw it for the first time three years ago and it is loud and disconcerning. If you or your partner has a sleep disorder that causes your mate to not sleep a wink than separate beds is the caring move to make! I never thought snoring would be a reason but! My family snores and recently I realized how disruptive earth shattering loud snores can be.  Sleep deprivation is not fun, if your relationship suffers from one of you not sleeping, separate beds might be for you.

 “Making love with a woman and sleeping with a woman are two separate passions, not merely different but opposite. Love does not make itself felt in the desire for copulation (a desire that extends to an infinite number of women) but in the desire for shared sleep (a desire limited to one woman).”
― Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being

2) You work ridiculous hours.  The truth is if you work 12 hour night shifts and your partner works different hours separate beds may be best! No one wants to get up at 4am, let's be honest.  In particular if your mate has woken you up several times in the night.  Sleep is crucial to work accountability and productivity.  Without sleep you may as well not go to work.  Sleep deprivation has often been compared to being intoxicated. If this sounds like you than separate beds may be just right for your relationship.

 “Sleep is my lover now, my forgetting, my opiate, my oblivion.”
― Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife

3) You have settled but you are not in love.  Sorry folks but my answers are not all sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, I am a realist.  People settle.  They settle every second of everyday because they are tired of searching for the right one, they have been together for years, there are a million reasons, so at the end of the day you are happier sleeping alone and waking up not face to face with a partner who you are not crazy about. If you have settled and are not happy separate beds are for you.

 “Even a soul submerged in sleep
is hard at work and helps
make something of the world.”
― Heraclitus, Fragments

The truth is whether you share a bed or not does not define your relationship. I prefer to grow old sleeping in the same bed, like my parents did, and still do as my mom has a small bed pushed up against my dad's hospital bed.  That to me is love.  But,we all have our own constructs of love and you must do what makes you happy.  Sleep is essential to mental and physical health so as long as you find a way to balance sleep and your relationship you are on the right path.  Thanks for reading. XO

Can men multi-task?

“Fucking two things up at the same time isn`t multitasking” 
― Dick Masterson, Men Are Better Than Women

The simple answer to the title of this blog is NO.  Recently as The American was washing dishes I asked him to do a small house chore, to which he gave me a little attitude.  Which of course led to a conversation about how he did not want to be doing more than one task at once.  It hit me.  I heard him loud and clear, he does not like multitasking.   Later I breached the topic of men and multitasking to several women and there was a unanimous vote, men don't enjoy multitasking. The following are three points on this topic.

“Juggling is an illusion. ... In reality, the balls are being independently caught and thrown in rapid succession. ... It is actually task switching.” 
― Gary Keller, The One Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth Behind Extraordinary Results

1.  The box theory.  I recently read an article on how the man's brain is a compilation of small boxes.  Each box contains one action.  I mentioned multitasking later to The American and he went on to explain that men do multitask by doing one task and accomplishing it and then starting a new task....ummm....this explanation sort of sounds like the opposite of multitasking....BUT! Regardless of the path of this week's topic the box theory is interesting and does make sense.  There seemed to be a general observation of all women I spoke to that all men had the same frustrated reaction when posed with a the stress of multitasking.

“A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction.” 
― Oscar Wilde

2.  The compartmentalization theory led me to believe that men thrive on accomplishing tasks.  While I myself flourish with a multitude of semi finished tasks to keep me busy, men appear to enjoy successfully finishing one task and taking a break.  This use to drive me crazy.  Why only do one task??? AND take a break??? To me this comes across as such a slow way to finish multiple tasks.  But, then it hit me again, MEN ARE SINGLE TASKING, one cannot evaluate the success of single tasking on the merits of multitasking.  Men merit themselves on the singular success of each task.  Every finished task is an accomplishment.

“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” 
― Albert Einstein

3. Men don't like to multitask.  This point also came from The American.  His view and the articles I read view women's multitasking as complete sh#t storm chaos.  They view our skewed multitasking brains as pure, bouncing, misdirected, confused poppycock.  Thus while us multitaskers view single taskers as painfully slow, single taskers view us multitaskers as an enigma.  Men do not enjoy multitasking and they therefore should enjoy the path in life that each single task takes them on.

Men and women are so different aren't they??? I know! And, for the first time in a long time I respect our differences.  Instead of thinking I am always right and wanting to change someone, I have found learning about what makes a man tick is far more interesting than changing him.  Thanks for reading!!

Please read these interesting short articles on the multitasking differences of the sexes:
1) http://www.tickld.com/x/why-men-and-women-think-differently
2) http://jane-frankland.com/the-real-truth-about-women-and-multi-tasking/
3) http://learningenglish.voanews.com/content/men-and-women-really-do-think-differently/1913014.html
4) http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/how-mens-brains-are-wired-differently-than-women/

Divorce is Normal

Sorry for my absence.  To be honest I have been so busy with work that writing took a back seat and I thought this blog might be over.  Until today when a phenomena out raged me into this blog.  Divorce.  When did it become so judged?? When did it become a dirty word?? So many of my amazing friends have endured divorce and they are stronger and wiser.  The following are three opinions based on the reality of divorce that hopefully will make you think before you judge.

1) People change.  People grow apart.  Staying together is not always best.  There is some kind of ridiculous stigma of "giving up" associated with divorce that is total bullocks.  I have seen just as much divorce as I have marriage and let me tell you they all start the same.  All relationships start with the hope of love, soul mates and forever.  I know couples who have tried everything!! And in the end they decide to divorce.  If for one second you think finding happiness and peace and wanting that for your spouse is giving up than you have never truly loved.  You are not giving up, if anything you are trying harder by having faith that you know you will both be happier separated.

2) Married people are miserable.  There I said it.   Do you know more of my married friends are miserable than my divorced friends?? And my single girlfriends are happier than my taken girlfriends.  These statements are based on reality.   Marriage does not define anything.  It does not make you happier, it does not make you normal.  If anything it makes you put up with a lot more sh#t than you would if you were not married.  Marriage does not make anyone better than anyone, I am not even going to get into all the affairs I know about here.  Marriage is marriage.  All it makes you is married, nothing more, nothing less.

3) You know what is best.  I don't know why so many women hide divorce.  If I ever got divorced I would wear it proudly.  It is not a failure, it is not negative.  It means you tried marriage.  Do you know I know a lot of people on their second and third marriages?? There is nothing wrong with divorce if that is what you want.   Do not be ashamed.  Every ending is a beginning and only you know what is best.  F#ck everyone else's opinions when it comes to divorce, because they are not the ones living in your marriage.
Lastly, don't let anyone tell you did not marry your soul mate.  You are not the princess in a fairy tale.  You are a real person.  You have many real loves and I will tell you if you don't find the lovers who shake you up and lead you to find who you really are than you will remain incomplete.    The truth is you may find your most amazing life all on your own.  There is no shame in divorce, there is only shame in judging others based on their marital status.

What The Cat Would Say

Honesty moment:

I bit off more than I can chew with the topic for this week and I am not done developing it.  My apologies!! But, in order to keep a post up for this week I have decided to write a quick and hopefully funny post about how the cat would view our home.

“Oh, you can't help that,' said the cat. 'We're all mad here.” 
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Enjoy the following:
Cat Dialogue:

"It is the fifth lunar eclipse since I have been trapped by my tall, hairless captors.  I will celebrate the turning of time by dashing across the house all night as my people do to celebrate astrological occurrences.  My captors will no doubt join me, as they typically do, yelling and spraying water from the small pink bottle which they often use to celebrate my customs.   While this will be a joyous and strange occurrence it will not distract me from the the hierarchy of this strange place,  and will depart my knowledge now to you:

"The proper order of things is often a mystery to me. You, too?" 
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

1) Unfortunately, it appears that I am at the bottom of the society here in the land of apartment 402. I am sure of this as I have been locked out of the room with the window over looking the park.  While the rest of my society congregates in this room when the sun sets I am not allowed in this room for these occasions. I will continue to protest by knocking items off the kitchen counter throughout the night and meowing at sunrise at the door until I am met by negotiations in the form of what I have come to learn is 'wet food.'  I am further aware of my low status as I have been given only dead mice to play with.  In truth, they are not even  real dead mice but cloth toys! IMAGINE! a cat with no mice.  I continue to make my acknowledgement of this disrespect known by pooping immediately after my litter box has been cleaned and kicking litter as far as the eye can see.

"Meow, baby."
-Cheshire Cat (1985 TV Alice and Wonderland) 

2) The middle class or next level of society in the land of 402 would be the gate keepers.  My captors come in a matching female and male pair, I have come to learn most gatekeepers come in pairs of two, I have concluded this gives them strength in numbers, they are clever captors.   My captors seem to approach all life things with a good cop/ bad cop attitude, fortunately I have watched many TV crime dramas and have learned this is the custom to breaking prisoners. (On a side note: You may also want to watch these programs they have taught me many of my captors weaknesses, and, most importantly, that the cat is never a suspect.)  My female captor is the good cop and my  male captor appears to be the bad cop.  While their methods of outnumbering me are successful they will often use other tactics to distract my escape attempts such as delicious candy which they lure me into by shaking a small bag.  There is something which pulls me to this bag that I have accredited to witch craft, these thoughts are furthered by their use of a small red glowing dot which has powers of invisibility which they taunt me with daily.  But, they do not stop there! These captors are not above subduing me with a terribly addictive drug which I have come to crave as nip.

“And how do you know that you're mad? "To begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. You grant that?" I suppose so, said Alice. "Well then," the Cat went on, "you see a dog growls when it's angry, and wags it's tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.” 
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

3) My captors appear to worship another creature in our land which I have come to know as dog.  Dog has mind control powers and appears to be able to talk to the humans.  He controls them not only into give him treats for performing simple tasks, such as sitting or laying down.  He often shows off his powers of mind control as he makes the captors let him in and then out, and then in and then out, and then in and then out, the forbidden door.  Dog does not run away when let out, but who would when they have two servants to they control.  Further, my captors appear to go to a place they call 'work' which I have deduced they do for dog.  More often than not my captors have spoken of the things that they must pay for to have dog. Dog on the other hand sleeps most of the day and does not work, thus he is the top of this hierarchy.  They are so dedicated to dog they hire replacement servants when they have gone away, unfortunately, these replacements double as my captors, there is no relief.   I have seen my captors follow dog constantly in the unknown space through the forbidden door, doting on him and yet never walking with him, always a few steps behind chained to him, thus I conclude that dog is their master.  If this behavior was not enough Dog has two beds, one enormous bed which he appears share generously with the captors in the room I am forbidden from,   and one normal bed he takes daily naps in, TWO beds, the luxury, imagine.  While in conversations with dog he came off as highly not intellectual this must be his cover to maintain the hierarchy."

Sorry again for not having my usual post.  Hope you enjoyed this one!! Till next week! XO

5 Signs You Are 30

Thirty was so strange for me. I’ve really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult. -C.S. Lewis

Taking a quick break from the usual blogging about relationships to reveal some trends I have noticed when it comes to being in my 30s.  Recently while sitting at a pub (which was apparently quite hip) I found myself asking my girlfriend why the music had to be so loud...then it hit me.  I have changed.  There is something that has grown up out of me, my inner rebellious, immature, teen self is no more.  She has been replaced instead by a mature woman.  The following are 5 trends that indicate you are well on your way to the dirty thirties.

The only time you really live fully is from thirty to sixty. The young are slaves to dreams; the old servants of regrets. Only the middle-aged have all their five senses in the keeping of their wits. -Hervey Allen

1) Everything got louder.  As I mentioned above music everywhere seems too loud everywhere you go, AND it is not even that you find the music in pretty much all places to be over bearing it is actually that you and your friends begin conversations about how music does not need to be so loud at the pub...seriously?  (I have to laugh at myself here I know so cliche)  Suddenly where you go revolves around where you can actually hear yourself and your friends.  I justify this mentality with the following reasons: 1 - you have grown into friends worth listening too in your old age, 2 - you do not want your throat to be sore from yelling across the table because you have also grown into someone who has a lower tolerance of pain than your former 20 year old self and lastly 3 - the music blasted in pubs is not really worth blasting...in anyone's ear...ever.  Really have you heard top 40's of this year?  Your grown self also has come to know what good music is and that if you are no longer liking what the younger generation likes than you are officially no longer part of the younger generation.

Everything I know I learned after I was thirty. -Georges Clemenceau

2) You want to put sweaters on everything....in the past few years I have caught myself saying this a lot "It is not really shorts weather, I hope that girl does not get a cold."  I am my mother's daughter.   My mother use to force me to take sweaters everywhere and I was adamant that was not cool.  I guess not a lot has changed in the cool ratio of wearing sweaters.  The reason I have began to think all things should be warm and dry is COMFORT, oh yes, we have passed the threshold people!! Once you begin to view style as comfort you are officially beyond adolescence and coasting happy into your 30's.  Typically however, you find clothing that is both stylish and comfortable...and buy whatever items you are fortunate enough to find like this in every color for every day of the week.  Let's face it comfort and style are a girls best friend.

When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents. -Blair Sabol

3) You tactfully say no.  Just the other day I saw a robust young man swearing in Starbuck's because his drink was taking so long and an elderly woman was waiting in front of him.  Appalling I know.  Then it donned on me.  The mouthy, rude, and what I considered rebellious days are long gone, the young college days of being walked on like a door mat because life was all new are also gone, which brings us to 30.  A delightful age where you have learned to kill with kindness, stand your ground and offer your opinion in a complimentary way.  It should be noted that tact is not a feat that all have mastered (sadly).

“Most people don't grow up. Most people age. They find parking spaces, honor their credit cards, get married, have children, and call that maturity. What that is, is aging.” 
― Maya Angelou

4) BABIES, BABIES, BABIES.  As most of you readers know I do not want children of my own.  But, I may be the only 30 something woman in the world with this view, just kidding I know there are a few more of you out there hiding out like the mythical unicorn!  Aside from these rare women, everyone and their dog are having BABIES, talking about babies, and labor, and pregnancy and labor and pretty much every single thought you thought you would never have is now the topic of lunch room conversation.  But, the endless supply of baby postings on social media is the cherry on the baby cake.  But, like all good things this baby craze will die down, the children will grow up and right when you think you are sailing into retirement cruises and life on the beach GRANDBABIES will be all your friends talk to you about.  Welcome to 30.

“I want to grow old without facelifts... I want to have the courage to be loyal to the face I've made. Sometimes I think it would be easier to avoid old age, to die young, but then you'd never complete your life, would you? You'd never wholly know you.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

5) You don't know what is cool.  Over the past two years I have also caught myself actually saying this "I am not sure, what is cool now a days? What do the kids like?"  Ummmm, hmmmm.  It appears as though I am my father's daughter.  True story when I was 16 my dad gave me the Tom Petty "Life is a Highway" album because he asked the woman in the CD shop what was cool....I did not even know who Tom Petty was at the time.  Thus once you have reached the point where you do not know what is "trending," or who is "hip" than you can pretty well welcome yourself to adulthood.  TRUE FACT: adults do not care what is cool.

So there you have it.  Welcome to the wonderful age of comfort, honesty, real connections, BABIES, being uncool, BABIES, enjoying life the way it is, BABIES and all the wonderful things that being this age means.  For me, my best life yet has been in my 30's and if life just keeps getting better than I cannot wait to see what 40 brings!
Thanks for reading!