To ghost or not to ghost?

So I had some very interesting conversations with different men after my last blog regarding ghosting and have to say I yet again learned something interesting about the differences between women and men.  While all the women I spoke to agreed that ghosting was hurtful and would have appreciated being let down gently, men were living in a different world on the topic.  I guess men actually may be from Mars.  The men who approached me about the topic and vice versa had the following perspectives:

1) It is just part of dating.  Having had been out of the dating game with The American for such a long time I had forgotten this fact.  And, while I seriously dislike this aspect of dating, the guys who talked to me about this were correct.  Ghosting is part of our modern dating culture.  Obviously, we have the term "ghosting" it is such a inevitable possibility.  But, that doesn't mean that it is right.  While yes I agree it is a popular dating phenomenon I do really feel that it is not a positive trend.  It is like that old saying "If everyone jumped off a bridge would you."  Just because everyone is doing it doesn't make it right.  I see this trend more and more for asinine activities.  Do yourself a favor and try stand out in a crowd of ghosts.

2) It is kinder than telling someone you're not interested.  This excuse was the most valid offered and I had honestly not thought of it until it came out of the mouth of one of my male participants.  He said "Well it is nice to not say anything than tell someone you are not interested in them."  Then I thought of my mother and her "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" advice and for one moment thought "Alright.  Alright then." In this one case and point ghosting can be seen as the humane thing to do.  While personally I think the most humane thing is to be complimentary and let the person down I can see how saying nothing can be viewed as being kind.

3) They were afraid they would have an awkward conversation.  This same subject then gave me the reason that he also was afraid the woman would become combative.  Okay, so I have said this a million times and I am going to say it one last time (or probably one more million times).  Don't do the crime if you cannot do the time.  I see so many people complaining that they lead someone one and then that person had feelings for them and they were hurt and said "crazy" things to them.  Oh boohoo.  Grow up.  It is called being an adult.  Feedback is part of life.  If you don’t like, then don't lead people on, and don't date is my advice.  Any man who actually thinks that avoiding women rather than having a conversation with them is better is not worth your time. Unless she stabbed you with a fork get over it.  Also, so she said some things that made you feel badly for hurting her feelings.  You probably deserved to think for a moment about those feelings and how your actions were affecting others anyway.  I mean seriously.  Seriously.

So in the end while I did rethink ghosting and do now believe that some men may honestly think they are doing the kind thing, in general though I still think it is a real sh#t thing to do to anyone.  Personally I will not be part of the trend and still maintain that a quick and kind message letting the person know you are not interested is just as effective, in fact, more so than ghosting.  And, for the love of Pete try and just be honest, don't create some other love interest or that you unexpectedly leaving the country…we are all adults let's try like acting like them.  Thanks for reading! XO

Here Fishy, Fishy, Fishy...

Online dating taught me so much once again.  As promised in my last post my dating life in a nutshell and what I learned:

Fish #1 (afternoon weekday coffee) Was a tall, handsome, preppy, professional but there was no chemistry (shoes are a huge indicator to me for chemistry by the way, and I mean style, not size) and he claimed to have met someone shortly after so water under the bridge.

Fish #2 (afternoon weekend lunch) - Mr. Bad Teeth was a lovely date.  He was kind, brought flowers (anyone that knows me, knows this is a HUGE gesture to win me over, I almost cried).  But, again no physical connection on my part. (Teeth and smile are also huge, don't think I am shallow we all have our turn ons).

Fish #3 (tea after work, he "forgot" his wallet)- I had to give this tadpole the benefit of the doubt because he is young but once again zero attraction on my part, (it is so curious when men grow straggly pre-pubescent facial hair).  Furthermore, it was the strangest date I have ever had which involved him signing Ed Sheran songs on the seawall and then me awkwardly dismissing his attempt at a kiss....three strikes and I am out? Not quite.

Fish #4 (concert and dinner) - Had nice teeth and two dates but physically I just couldn't do it.  He introduced me to a great band we went on two dates, the second we grabbed a bite.   He was an extremely sweet fish but I need chemistry. 

Fish #4 - score (after work coffee) Now this fish is officially called Hot Dad.  Just when I thought about giving up this gorgeous guy popped in to bring sexy back.  We had a coffee at a great bakery and have another date coming up. (But that perfect smile and the way his T-shirt hugged those abs...damn).  One in four odds aren't that bad. 

Fish #5 -(weekday lunch) Mr. Brazil also gets hotness points as well as he was very good at conversation.  We had lunch on a work day and have a possible second date soon.  My odds are getting better.

Fish #6 - (weekend coffee and a beer on a patio) No dice. Friend zoned.  Teeth again and also I like a guy with a larger upper body.  He doesn't need a six pack (not that if he had one I would complain!) But the arms have to be just right.  Alright, fine, I am shallow. 

But in the middle of all my cute dates I was distracted by the most beautiful eyes in this city (possibly the world).  Paired with a smile that could make you forget your own name I remembered that there is nothing like chemistry.  First time meeting flirtations and questions are so much more than online meetings will ever be.  And, his eyes are too good to be associated with a fish, I call him Mr. Blue Eyes.   And, regardless of the fact that he never called he reminded me of two things a) light eyes and dark hair are my kryptonite and b) even unsuccessful first meeting are better than no chemistry at all. 

In the end Mr. Blue Eyes reminded me that chemistry is key. Mr. Blue Eyes got me out if my funk and reminded me of how delightful it is to get out and meet someone face to face.  Whether he calls or never calls I had forgotten that meeting men in person was easy and actually fun. Thanks for reading! XO

The Weird World of Online Dating...Revisited

So let's be honest you reach an age where suddenly you feel old and outdated at the club.  I recall the exact moment in time a few years ago when a 19 year old bought me a shot.  We took them together and then he puked beside the bar.  At this moment in time I realised two things: a) I am too old for this sh#t and b) the bar may not produce the most suitable mates.  In March I reactivated my online dating profile and told myself I would master the world of online dating.  After all it can't be that bad can it?  I know you are possibly thinking I went down this road a long time ago when I first moved here, but let’s face it when I first moved here I was a hot mess.  Now that I am in the right mind frame I think I finally get how this all works.   The following are three tips I have discovered that have enabled me to say that online dating is not all bad.

1) Bring on the crazy.  Prepare yourself for all kinds of men hitting on you.  Why?  Because you are gorgeous and awesome.  But, do not feel compelled to give all weirdos a try.  I have had many bizarre messages and you are going to have to put in some time and effort and weed out the crazy.  Also, bear in mind that some of the crazy may come across as so because online dating can be awkward for some.  For me personally I know what I am looking for and that I am a good catch.  It helps if you have a healthy self-esteem and are happy in your life.  When someone who is off the wall messages you, you can easily block them OR you can message them and hope they go away (I have noticed the former is the least amount of stress and works best).  The heart of the issue is you are opening yourself up to the internet (I currently have 952 people who want to meet according to the "Meet Me" option).  Seriously think about this, almost one thousand people want to meet you, you are bound to have a few odd ducks that are not for you.  You have to realize this is not a Disney Fairy Princess moment, this is online dating.  It is strangers looking for a connection and more often than not there are going to be some WTF was that moments.  Brace yourself.

2) Talk it out.  Recently I was talking to my girlfriend Ms. J and I told her "It is really amazing how men really only give a damn when they want to sleep with you."  Online dating is like any dating.  Men who are truly not looking for a booty call or nude pictures will soon lose interest and teeter into the land of creepers with their creeper friends to troll another day.  Chat until you exchange numbers and be prepared for creepiness.  Perhaps #1 should have been beware of creepers but that is really only one side of this dating site and there is a lot more crazy out there.  I will share the signs I have noticed that have been huge creepy red flags.  Any texts that mention pleasure – if a guys says anything about pleasure abandon ship.  He is looking to get sexty.  Some men will ask you for shirtless photographs – I feel like this goes without saying, but again abandon ship.  AND, I GET IT.  Some of you are thinking but I haven’t had any action in a while and maybe I want to get sexty.  Don't do it.  I haven't touched a man in five long months, my dreams have become ridiculous fantasies that leave my mind distraught.  BUT, you ask yourself would you like a moment of sexual attention or the possibility of a life time of amazing moments?   If you wait it out and have real conversations you will strongly increase your chances of escaping Creepytown unscathed and you will have real dates with real men who will appreciate your time.

3) Prepare for the worst.  I think this would be a given but I will share this with you anyways.  Most pictures have been photo-shopped (I know GET OUT!!) but seriously.  Often the person you meet in person is going to be a few pounds heavier, have terrible teeth, actually be between jobs, sometimes the dating game is the good, the bad and the ugly. Some times you get to the date and you think “Sweet Pete! Who is that?”  Oddly enough you have not been catfished but basically it feels like it.  I am sorry but this is more often than not the case.  I went on a date with a guy who from his pictures seemed super cute but in person his teeth were horrifying and her wore skull rings.  Rings with skulls on them are not my jam.   But, it was still a pleasant date which I invested an hour and a half in at a cute diner because while you may think my words were harsh above they are the truth.  Teeth are a big seller for me, we all have our turn ons and pearly whites are one of mine.  I definitely did not and will not tell this gentlemen I found his smile to be ghastly, but rather I thanked him for the nice time and told him we did not have enough in common to see each other again.  Don’t be a dick.  If the picture does not meet your expectation be polite.  You are setting yourself up for terrible karma.  Wouldn’t you rather have a nice date with a dream boat that ended with him saying he did not think you had a good future than have that dream boat look you in the face and say “Good god no” and walk away?  Of course you would.  Treat others how you would like to be treated, and BE PREPARED for some unattractive times ahead.

In the end online dating is as frustrating as real life dating.  I think that women sit down and plug in their wants and their own info and they think "Presto" where is my dream man.  No.  This is not how life works.  You are essentially your own match making service online.  You have to sift through hundreds of applicants and decide who is worth meeting.  Then you also have to endure the meet ups and make your own pro and cons lists and decide what you want and don't want from each date.  It is a long process.  But, you’re worth it.  You can pay a match maker $1500.00 for three dates in this city or you can get motivated that you can and will meet someone worth your time.   I am gearing up to write a brief synopses of my dates as of late and all the knowledge these encounters have given me, so stay tuned! Thanks for reading XO

Never Give Up

Honestly, admist the pleasant dates exhaustion starts to set in.  Because in the wake of the heat of summer you begin to realize you would actually be on the beach or laughing with friends then putting effort in to dating.  You begin to think you should give up and see where fate takes you.  And, before you do here are three reasons why you have to keep driving.

1) Things do not come to those who wait.  I am not sure the lazy bum who coined the word destiny but they were definitely NOT living at their full potential.  Things come to those who try, who put their all into it.  Who ask for what they want and fail and get up and try again.  This is part of all facets of life, including romance.  Don't think destiny has a stupid plan for you and that Mr. Right is going to approach you on a given day soon.  He isn't and destiny is just an excuse to give up.

2) You are not getting any younger.  Recently I was having coffee with my friend.  She said she noticed men didn't look at her the way they used to.  She is married but she still noticed.  This got me thinking that, while yes the older you get the more defined your wants become, the older you get the less options there are.  In your 20's everyone and their dog was single, in college, at the bar, mixing and mingling and dating was a piece of cake.  Get out there now.   The older you get the less options there are and the more you put yourself out there the better your chances are.

3) There are good men out there.  For the love of Pete do NOT become a bitter old spinster who thinks all men are the worst.  All men are different.  While I don't believe in destiny I do believe there are one, or two, or three perfect men out there for me.  Just remember that the more you throw your net out into the dating pool the more successful you will be at finding a fish.

So I may need to give myself this pep talk because dating takes up time and my patience is wearing thin.  But, we all need a reminder to never give up on love!! Thanks for reading. XO