3 Men to Avoid

"Bad idea alert."

- Unknown

Recently I was on the bus and witnessed a battle royal with the bus driver and a very rude patron.  This got me to thinking two things: 1) I could never be a bus driver and 2) one should never date their bus driver.  Thought number two came to me as I began think what would you do if you had a bad break up with someone you depended on every day for a crucial service.  This led me to write the following advice on what men in your life that one should not date:

"People in your life may be acting a bit crazy now, but don't let it get under your skin. Just because others are off in the deep end doesn't mean you have to join them there. Stay in safe waters and do your thing."
- Unknown

1) The bus driver on your route.  Now if your life does not count on public transit than this limitation should not apply to you.  However, if you are someone who does the daily commute than it is best to avoid your bus driver.  I am sure that there is some kind of bus driver hand book that does not allow them to date their patrons but just in case there is not and you are thinking about it I say "Don't do it."  Why?  You may ask, while at first it would all be sunshine, lollypops, and rainbows, as he picks you up each morning and takes you to work.  How cute.  One day you realize that he is not the man for you, and unfortunately instead of being very, very, grown up about it you two have one of the messiest breakups in the history of mankind.  Let's say you lost your mind and broke his things and now have extreme break up remorse, longing to never face him again you trudge to work, as you can no longer catch the bus, you have a nice hour and half walk to think about things...real nice.  One may also think that you can catch a different route, this is all good, except bus drivers are constantly changing their routes and filling in for others.  In a different scenario let's say he turned into Mr. Clingy and you pried yourself off of his love sucking tentacles in a rather public display that left him seething with post break up rage, the following day when you do try and catch the bus he drives right by you making you late for work.  Or, perhaps he announces on the bus intercom personal and embarassing details about you....awkward.  The truth is I have no idea what your break ups might be but I can imagine a million and one scenarios where breaking the bus driver's heart will disrupt your life, so if you count on him for your daily commute best to befriend him and draw the line there.

“You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.” 
― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

2) Your mail man.  I have to be honest, I have never dated my mail main and he appears to have no real interest in delivering heavy items to my house.  Which is slightly irritating given I do not have a car nor a lot of upper body strength...but this got me to conceptualizing a world in which the mail man actually had a method to his madness.  In fact if you had a bad break up with the man who brings your important news what would this mean.  I know it is a federal offence to tamper with someone's mail, but I have also seen lunachicks in action that are not phased by the word illegal.  I am sure at first it would be all cute and cuddly, he would bring by your mail and you give him a nice tall glass of lemonade as you flirt for a moment on his route, but then things go sideways, and all your important online ordered gifts start arriving two weeks after their important scheduled dates, and you begin to notice that your choice to engage your mailman was not one of wisdom as you research P.O Boxes in your neighborhood.  My advice here is think about the long term effects of your comfort zone and dating.  While in an ideal world breakups would all be amicable and life would be easy, but let's be real, the majority of break ups are messy with scorn.

“To be rejected by someone doesn't mean you should also reject yourself or that you should think of yourself as a lesser person. It doesn't mean that nobody will ever love you anymore."
- Jocelyn Soriano, Mend My Broken Heart

3) Your neighborhood watch.  I once had a roommate who had a very disturbing tale of an ex who was a police man.  And, I am never saying all men are the same, nor are all police.  However, the possible consequence of a tragic break up with a man in power should be a given.  Perchance you have the unfortunate luck of being in a small hit and run incident, your adrenaline is pumping, you are in shock and there he is your knight in shinning armor...while I am sure there is a 5-0 handbook that does not allow this profession to date in these situations, we are human.  However, a month down the road when the nostalgia wears off you realize your knight in shining armor is more a dud in a tin foil hat and you end things and move on.  There are a million and one reactions to your actions that I could go into here but I will just warn you to cautiously tread where the men of your life which you count on are present and spread friendship where these men are involved...nothing else.

With millions of men in this world try dating men that are not involved on your daily affairs or safety.  This not only protects you from the tragic outcomes mentioned above it also gives you the upper hand of mystery.  No one wants to dive in to day in and day out together right away, and if they do they are needy and you should also be weary.  I apologize if you are one of the men mentioned above and think that this post is not fair, however, on the flip side if your break up is bad and you are picking up your lunachick ex everyday on your buss route so she can cuss you out on her 45 minute commute, or throw things at you as you attempt to give her the mail, or any other unreasonable act of heart ache than you too have not thought through the reality of dating someone involved in your professional endeavors and should give your head a shake too. Thanks for reading!

Personal Recap:
THE AMERICAN IS HOME! We are living together and headed to meet his family in America land next week! I start at a new firm next month and this week will complete my first marathon!! Do I miss single life?  No, while I admit being single was a lot of fun, so is being with the right lobster. 

Control Freaks Explained

No work or love will flourish out of guilt, fear, or hollowness of heart, just as no valid plans for the future can be made by those who have no capacity for living now.

Alan Watts

So I have often struggled with my need to have a plan.  This is frequently construed as being a control freak.   I understand this point of view completely.  However, I would like to say in defense of all control freaks out there that having a plan does not mean that we have to be in control of all things relative.  Let me explain, the plan just needs to exist so that we have a sense of direction.  The plan can be made by anyone, it can change and it can have a ton of wiggle room but the plan must exist for us to be comfortable.  The following are three reasons why:

First comes thought; then organization of that thought, into ideas and plans; then transformation of those plans into reality. The beginning, as you will observe, is in your imagination.

Napoleon Hill

1)    Anxiety.  Typically people I have come across in my life (and there are ALOT of us out there) that need to have plans, and I mean plans varying from lunch that day to five year here, have a level of anxiety.  Having a plan makes them feel comforted.  It is not so much that we think we can control the unknown, not at all, it is just that we feel much less stress if that unknown has a little navigation to it.  Not everyone likes surprises and not everyone likes to have a plan.  This in no way does not mean that we do not like to try new things and are not flexible! It just means that the majority of time we like to have any idea of what is to come in our lives.

Plans are nothing; planning is everything.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

2)    Be prepared.  Yes I was a Girl Guide my whole life, my mother was actually the Brown Owl leader so it is not wonder I want to be prepared.  But, let’s get down to the nitty gritty root of my intense desire to be prepared: my childhood.  I grew up in a house where everyone was late.  True story my dad use to say he would pick me up from my girlfriend’s place after school.  I would wait all day there.  Their families would joke around that if I came over at 3 I would be staying for dinner, which always turned out to be true.  He would often pick me up around 8.  I attributed this tardiness as not being prepared.  Therefore, in order to not be late, tardy and appear to forget very important people I like to make plans.

Unless commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes... but no plans.

Peter Drucker

3)    Helpful.  This is the hardest things for non-planners to understand.  By  making a plan for you we are not actually trying to control you, we think we are helping you.  Here is how my brain works, you want to try a new restaurant sometime with me.  Great! I am so excited! I research new restaurants, I compile weblinks of the top rated four and send them to you with the times they allow reservations and the days they are closed to find out what day works for you.  I completely understand how this comes across as controlling the situation, but I promise this action is not made under this guise.  It is actually that, beyond the satisfying pleasure planning brings me, I feel that making little plans for others helps them.  It helps them save time finding information, it helps them in giving them options, it in general seems to be helpful.  This is why I offer mini plans all the time to everyone.

In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable.

Dwight D. Eisenhower

It is unfortunate that people see planners as frigid control freaks that worry to much.  I am a planner and I have to say that I am the opposite of this.  Having plans (that can change!) are a way that we understand the world.  Planners are thoughtful I promise and it is not that they want to control you in anyway, it is actually that they really want to spend time with you and therefore like to create a plan for this actuality.  I hope that this gives some insight into people that like to plan and perhaps helps break the image of us all being controlling, if you want to make a planner really happy make a plan to hang out with them and tell them your plan.  They will appreciate your effort so much I guarantee.  Thanks for reading! 

Keep it Classy: 3 Tips on Professionalism

“Our chief want is someone who will inspire us to be what we know we could be.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson

By now I have blogged about a lot of different kinds of relationships.  Our relationships with ourselves, health, happiness, lovers, and family, BUT I am forgetting the most influential relationships, the people we spend the majority of our time with everyday, our professional relationships!  It is a fact that the average person will spend 48 years of their life working, if you calculate that down to the 9 to 5 that means you are basically growing old and grey with your co-workers.  While I am far from this average at the ripe old age of 32, I have three professional tips that will make you feel good about they way you conduct yourself professionally.  The truth is there is not recipe for success, but there are some sure fire ways to act so that in the future when you look back at your career you can say you treated people with respect and dignity.  Welcome to the high road.

“Keep your fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.”
― Robert Louis Stevenson

1) Check your emotions at the door.  Have you ever had a sharp tongued co-worker?  (or worse boss?) That when they spoke to you it made you want to cry, or throw a punch?  Having worked in a large range of different industries from the age of 16 I can honestly say that words can stir up emotions, but it is vital that you calm down and not act out.  When temperatures flare words that you truly do not want to say can come rushing to your lips, but the best career advice is to keep those lips sealed.  I am not saying to not address your concerns, absolutely not.  There are a million and one articles out there on how to professionally address work concerns that one may have with any variety of co-workers.   BUT,  letting your emotions get the better of you and saying words that should not be said can lead to a whole load of problems from reprimand to getting yourself fired, but most importantly it will stain your professional integrity.  You should be able to look back and proudly say that you took the high road, you kept it classy and most of all that you tried your hardest this kind of reflection will leave you with good feelings about yourself and your work ethic.

“If your actions create a legacy that inspires others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, then, you are an excellent leader.”
― Dolly Parton

2) Keep it professional.  It is not cute to abbreviate anything in professional communications, in particular if you want to be taken seriously.  It is also not a great idea to invite all your co-workers to a keg party either, or discuss intimate details of your personal life, AND most importantly keep your work life off social media.   You are sort of like Batman in that now that you are an adult you will have a professional self by day and a personal self by night.  Confusing your personal relationships with your professional relationships can be catastrophic.  Here is an example:  In your professional life you dress the part, take direction, apply initiative and speak in a manner that is conducive to respect. While in your personal life you may not wear pants (I am not here to judge what you do in the comfort of your own home), swear like a sailor, and disrespect people on the regular because it is your sense of humour.  I think you can see how these two night and day characters need to stay separated.  I mean really, imagine if you walked into the office sans pants swearing at the receptionist while posting about it on Facebook (#fired, #officeworstnightmare).  It is a slippery slope when you become too comfortable with your co-workers and lines become blurred.  While yes being friendly with your co-workers is essential, becoming “besties” with the office and throwing professional conduct to the wind is setting yourself up for disaster.

“You have to be burning with "an idea, or a problem, or a wrong that you want to right." If you're not passionate enough from the start, you'll never stick it out.”
― Steve Jobs

3) Know your worth.  You may be reading these two points and be thinking that I am telling you to be some kind of emotionally void door mat.  This is not the case at all.  Here is something I believe, you are awesome! And special! How could I possibly know this about you?  Well I know this because everyone is amazing at something.  And, it takes people who are excellent at all things to make this world go round.  For example in order for me to work late or enjoy a holiday I need a lovely dog walker, and not just any dog walker, someone I can trust in my home on the regular with my fur kid.  We also all need the bus driver, the grocery clerk, the cleaning people at the office, every single person in this world is an integral part of the puzzle of functionality.  Without one piece all the other pieces suffer.  This means YOU are essential to this world.  This also means so am I.  Not all jobs are going to be right for you and neither are all places you work, and there is actually nothing wrong with this.  We are all different with all different work styles, learning curves.   Find the right fit for you and do not be afraid to know your own self worth, you are worth career happiness.

“You are good. But it is not enough just to be good. You must be good for something. You must contribute good to the world. The world must be a better place for your presence. And the good that is in you must be spread to others....”
― Gordon B. Hinckley

We live in a world where people often appear to be dredging along sadly to work in the morning, where they sigh at the sight of Monday morning and they yearn for long weekends to get away from their careers.  This makes me sad.  We all deserve to be in the right career on the right path for not only success but happiness.  Finding happiness can be a long journey for some of us and that is also okay.  As long as you try your hardest and conduct yourself professionally at the end of the day you will feel good about your work ethic and yourself, and you will come across as such too.  Thanks for reading! XO

Body Image My Struggle with Anorexia

"Every woman knows that, regardless of all her other achievements, she is a failure if she is not beautiful." 
Germaine Greer

(me at one of the peaks of my anorexia)

Recently I have been hearing a lot of my girlfriends calling themselves fat.  This breaks my heart but it also made me face some real demons this week and I have decided to just be frank.  In my mid twenties I struggled severely with anorexia.  I would love to say I have won this battle but as anyone who has ever faced their demons knows they always linger in the shadows, and in your darkest hour taunt you.  But, falling in love with my body has been a struggle that I have almost accomplished.  I acknowledge that a few extra pounds is just the way I am made, and understanding that can be beautiful is some thing we should all feel.  I would like to share three facts about my battle with anorexia in the hopes that it encourages other women to realize that we are all beautiful and we all deserve to love ourselves and be HEALTHY!

"From the newsstands a dozen models smiled up at her from a dozen magazine covers, smiled in thin-faced, high-cheekboned agreement to Kessa’s new discovery. They knew the secret too. They knew thin was good, thin was strong; thin was safe." 
Steven Levenkron

(me when during a time I thought I was most over weight) 

1) Harsh words.  I grew up my whole life hearing that I had a nice body.  I was thin and I was never told anything different until I was in a relationship with Mr. AA.  For the first time in my life I was called fat, and beyond being called this by someone who supposedly loved me, the specific areas where I had gained weight were pointed out to me over and over again.  I was ridiculed for eating and so I internalized this feedback into anorexia.  I not only began to loathe food but I hated my former fat self.  I looked at old pictures of myself and was disgusted at what I saw.  I saw all my rolls of fat, an enormous round face and thought I was blob.  When I asked friends and my one long term ex (who is a kind hearted soul) they all looked at me like I was crazy and told me I was always beautiful.  When my parents would tell me I was looking healthy I would hear "You are getting fat." I was so obsessed with looking thin, when I was my most underweight Mr. AA would praise how good I looked and enforce upon me that I should stay thin to be desired.   This mentality faded when I met Mr. X however it was not long until he pointed out I had gained weight too and my battle with food began again.   To be hones this battle remains, it is hard to see an extra pound and not deny myself daily food intake, however, I must tell myself that everyday that being healthy is beautiful.  What is terrible is that I am not alone in this development.  Almost all women I know shared with me that their eating disorders were also spawned from people they love telling them they were fat. Which brings me to my second point.

"[Eating disorders] are a wonderful tool for helping you reject others before they can reject you. Example: You’re at a party. The popular girls are there. You know you can never be as cool as they are, but when one of the pops a potato chip into her mouth or chooses real Coke over Diet, for that moment you are better."
Stacy Pershall

(my favorite model - she is considered plus size)

2) Everyone has had an eating disorder.  Every single woman I confided in about my struggle to see myself as beautiful and not stave myself thin told me they to had eating disorders.  Every. Single. One. From my girlfriends who are a size two to my girlfriends who are a size sixteen.  It did not matter their body shape they all said they have felt ugly and fat.  They said that they too have starved themselves and in some cases purged.  This breaks my heart.  I felt very alone in my battle with anorexia.  I felt like all my friends had great bodies not because they were doing what I was doing but because they had great jeans or worked out. I felt like I could never tell anyone because they would think I was crazy for doing what I was doing.  It turns out we are all crazy.  I feel a lot of relief that I was not alone in my battle with food but I feel more sadness that so many women I know felt the same.  They hated themselves enough to starve themselves, I know because that is what I did.  I hated myself for eating.  I would have severe eating regret for days, I would internalize my hatred for myself and for food and on days when I had eaten nothing praise myself for accomplishing a great task.  I was not alone in doing this.  I do not know why so many women starve themselves to look thin, but I do know that too many of us do and we need to stop.   In fact one of my girlfriends has several male friends who starve themselves too, we must all try to be healthy and get away from abusing our bodies. Next time you look at someone you think is thin and you manifest the thought that you are fat, remember that woman is thinking the same thing about someone else, we all have to stop seeing ourselves as fat.

"Who wants to recover? It took me years to get that tiny. I wasn’t sick; I was strong."
 Laurie Halse Anderson

(Here she is again a plus size model)

3) Control.  At times when I was losing the battle to my eating disorder my life was at it's most out of control moments.  These were moments when I was in a terrible abusive relationship, or moving due to family illness, or stuck in a job that made me unhappy.  Moments where I felt I had no control over my life or what was happening to me I starved myself the worst.  At least I felt I could control that.  This may sound really crazy to those of you who have never had this sensation, but it is a feeling of control when you can control your body all day not to eat.  When everything else is complete chaos there is a sweet relief to having accomplished this.  Thankfully this past year running has replaced this need to accomplish something that I control when everything else goes side ways.  Also, self improvement classes have taught me to let go of aspects in life and go with the flow, and this has helped me a lot.  Focusing this kind of energy on starving yourself is not an accomplishment, it is a disorder that you can only see clearly when you are focused on
being healthy.

Up to 24 million people of all ages and genders suffer from an eating disorder (anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder) in the U.S.
• Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
 91% of women surveyed on a college campus had attempted to control their weight through dieting. 22% dieted “often” or “always.”
• 86% report onset of eating disorder by age 20; 43% report onset between ages of 16 and 20.
• Anorexia is the third most common chronic illness among adolescents.
• 95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25.
• 25% of college-aged women engage in bingeing and purging as a weight-management technique.
• The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate associated with all causes of death for females 15-24 years old.

(Now I am healthy, I eat and I run.  I don't beat myself up for eating but everyday is a struggle to know that healthy weight is beautiful) .

I hope that in my sharing my struggle and the three realities I have discovered that you will realize you are not alone.  Body image can be a terribly detrimental factor in healthy living.  I did not get into mass media here because that would make this post far too long but we need to embrace being healthy.  Running has really helped bring me out of the darkness.  Good friends and women sharing their own struggles has made me realize that women of all sizes feel the way I do.  I am not alone.  We are all beautiful.  Thank you for reading.

Do You Really Care?

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

As I coast into the half year mark with The American (time sure flies doesn’t it?) we are faced with a short term long distance situation.  His work is relocating him to Tropical Paradise for a few months.  I find myself so happy for him for this amazing opportunity! But, of course saddened that this may also be the end of our relationship bliss.  Of course he has stated that he does not want what we have to end and so have I, but the reality that several months apart is very challenging.  While I remain dedicated and hopeful that in two short months we will be reunited and live happily ever after I also realized that I am really thankful for the time we had together regardless of what the future holds.  I realized something so liberating and exciting during this time of possibilities that I wanted to share thus the following are three truths if you truly care about someone:

"Life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% of how you react to it."

1.       Love is not possession.  I use to think that if someone truly loved you they would fight tooth and nail to be in your physical location and would tell you all things relative to them all the time.  This now sounds so ludicrous and possessive.   When you truly love someone you let them choose their happiest option in life and support that.  You cannot control their choice or it is not really their choice to make now is it.  I use to think if someone actually cared they would follow me if I had to move, or travel or whatever, but what I now realize is that if you care about someone you do not make their already difficult life changes more taxing.  When you truly love someone you realize that they need to make choices for their best possible life and sometimes those choices do not involve you.  It is an extremely difficult concept to think that someone who you love and who loves you could be better off without you.  Here is what you have to remember, it is not about you.  It is about what is truly best for them and their life.  Your love for them should be about them and what is best for them.  For those of you who have found this incredible liberating moment in your relationships I applaud you.  Welcome. For those of you who have not found this yet I guarantee when you do your role will just make sense and you will not feel sad about your exiting role, you will be happy that you actually feel real love.  You will also leave a memorable mark in the world if you are someone who loves unconditionally and with support instead of ruling with cruelty and hostility.  You will be a great memory if you remember that things may end but that all things happen for a reason and often endings are great beginnings. 

"The most painful thing is losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much, and forgetting that you are special too."

2.       Gossip Free is the Way to Be!  Lately I have heard a lot of my friends b*tch about their men.  I began to feel a bit uncomfortable because all I have to say is how awesome mine is.  All I can say are positive things about The American.  I cannot say that for one second in the past six months I have felt like I do not want to be with him.  This is how it should be.  When you truly love someone you are happy, they make you happy.  You do not loathe the thought of being with them, you do not see them as a burden, you do not see them as hindering your life growth, you do not see them as a totally douche, these are all things that you DO NOT feel towards a person that you love.   Oh, and I know, all those women out there reading this and thinking “But, but, but…” I know you feel wronged, and I know you are just venting, I get all that, I have been there.  But, what I am telling you is when you truly care for someone you do not reflect negative comments about them, you do not tear them apart for empathy to your friends and you do not make them the bad character in your story of love.   When you cease to gossip this means that you truly care about your man.  This may also only come to women that have found self love and have grown enough to realize that gossip does not improve anything.

"Giving up doesn’t always mean you’re weak, sometimes it means you are strong enough and smart enough to let go and move on."

3.       You trust their word.  Trust may also be called respect here but it all boils down to this.  When he says that he will call you after work and you have not heard from him by nine, but he calls you at 9:05 and apologizes for working late you believe him that he was working and respect his dedication to his work.  I use to think that the world should revolve around me.  But, now as an adult I realize that work is hard, life is challenging and that often time slips by without any malcontent, time just gets away from you.  I use to peak at Facebook conversations and just in general had a feeling of anxiety towards the men I dated but not any more.  But, then I realized that is not caring for someone.  That is projecting distrust and a lot of insecurities when you truly care for someone you trust them.  Trusting someone is so scary isn't it?  It leaves you vulnerable, it leaves you exposed, it leaves you open to harm.  But, it is also incredibly liberating to trust someone and it is a must if you truly care for someone, this feeling goes hand in hand with realizing that you must be okay if things might not work out because you just want what is best for each of you.   You do not really care for someone if you are feeling jealous all the time, you are not acting in their best interest you are acting selfishly.  Get over yourself and realize when you truly care for someone it is about them, not you. 

"Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened"
-Dr. Suess

It is often hard to realize what we are doing when we are driven mad by what we think is caring too much.  But, if you are acting toxic in your current fling than you really need to ask yourself “Why?”  and if the answers all come back you than you do not care about the person you love.  Love can become self-focused and self –involved it can become a grey area where you begin to feel that someone needs to change for you, someone needs to make things up to you, someone needs to do things for you, you, YOU!  If this is your intent in your current relationship than I am sorry to say you are only caring about you.  The saying if you love something set it free, is not meant literally, I am not about to set my fat pug free any where and I love him like my own flesh and blood.  It means set them free by not controlling them through your actions and not focusing on yourself.  Freedom has so many meanings.  These three tips are tips that you will only find when you have gotten over yourself and realized that there are two in your relationship, and that both of you deserve to be happy.  It is crucial that you love yourself as much as you love anyone in your life, only balancing self appreciation and appreciation for others will allow you to truly care for others. Thanks for reading!