With the unfortunate demise of some more
relationships around me, as more of my amazing friends join the single market
the topic of online dating is in full debate.
I have to tell you, based on my personal experiences, and the following
literature, I am not a supporter of online dating. The main reason why I believe online dating
does not work, and the majority of research agrees, is that online the majority
of people input information that is favorable but not necessarily true. “The problem with
online dating is that algorithms use the information we enter ourselves.
Algorithms don't work. Bad data in = bad data out. Think, for a moment, about
the people who "smoke only when they drink." I'd call them smokers.
We tend to enter information on dating sites, in Facebook, in Twitter and
elsewhere, aspirationally rather than objectively” (1) Thus while someone may wish they could quit
smoking and be athletic, online they claim these aspirations to be true already
of themselves, when they are not. With
this in mind, most online relationships are starting on false
pretences. Ms. M lately went on an
online date, her exact words were “I had to super wasted just to even think
about sleeping with him” do not worry! She did not end up with the hook up!
But, prior to this meeting she was saying how she was about to meet up with a gorgeous French man. He created a false image of
himself by posting only flattering imagery.
This had also been my experience with online dating. The photographs posted were appealing, while
the in person meeting was often the opposite.
One of my ODEs that I spoke of in the past contacted me recently, you
may remember him, he was actually attractive, we had a nice date and then I
never heard from him again. Well he sent
me a message saying that something bad had happened to him and he was now
homeless and if I knew anyone looking for a roommate to let him know. Now, I am not an un-compassionate person, I
often would give my friends the shirt off my back. But, this is a stranger I had one date with
off the Internet. I am not going to
invite him into my house or my friend’s homes, he could be a convict, or a drug
addict or god only knows what. So this
is what I mean by the above paragraph, a person can create an amazing profile,
but in the end they may be someone you do not want to have in your life.
The second reason why I believe that online dating does not work is
because it freaks you out very quickly.
“Keep in mind that if you're feeling rejected or that you're going on
dozens of awful dates, it's because digital media has accelerated what is
usually a longer process. We tend not to date 12 new people in a single week.
Yet we can easily meet, chat with, initially feel attracted to and then
horrified by 12 new people a day because of online dating.”(1) It is hyper speed dating and it can be
repulsive after a while. Sure, at first the flattery, attention and intrigue
leads you to think that it could be fun, but, then after about, oh let’s say
six dates, you realize that online dating is really full of people you
would never be interested in dating in the first place. If you think about Real Life Dating (RLD) and
how often you meet someone you are interested it is maybe about once a week, or
month or whatever your social schedule is like and depends how often you meet
people. Social media in the form of
online dating accelerates this immensely.
Instead of RLD situations of meeting someone once and while, you have
hundreds of people to chat to at your finger tips. Now if you think about the times that you have
met someone out and about and had a drink with, or said no to having a drink
with, or been on one or two dates with, or whatever the scenario where you meet someone that you may think is dating material and now think about the duds of those situations they are perhaps around 70 percent. This rate
is also accelerated by online dating, it increases the amount of people you
meet and therefore increases the amount of people you are really not interested
in. The frustration comes from being in
the mind frame of wanting to meet someone you are interested in, not in meeting
more and more people you are not.
Another reason that I do not believe in online dating is because it
makes dating too easy. “It makes it too easy to find people, to ditch
people… Now you go online, select a partner, and you are immediately dating
someone who is at least interested in you. Of course online dating is still
work, but the emotional labor and risk of failure has been significantly
reduced.”(2) The effort in attaining your partner is lost in the online
world. So you met your partner online,
that did not take very much effort.
Unlike in person, your palms get sweaty, your heart beat starts to pick
up, you are nervous because there she/he is right in front of you. The person you have been eyeing all night, or
week, or however long, is finally in a position where you can ask them out, or
ask them to have a drink, or at least ask them their name. There is that intense moment, driven out of
lust, passion, the desire to have their affection but it is also surrounded by
fear of rejection which makes it so real.
This moment of uncertainty will never be felt online. The rush of when
you finally grow a pair and approach the object of your affection is exhilarating
in a way that will never be cybernetically copied. But, it is also because of this reason that
things like this happen. I had been chatting
to some guy on POF a while back and he tells that he
met his last girlfriend online (which almost every guy on POF had told me so it is clearly a great success as they are single again). So, I asked how long they were dating for and he answers over a year and it turns out they broke up a week ago! AND they are still
living together but he is chatting on POF because he missed the
socialisation. To further my point he
tried to dirty talk me and wanted to invite me over. Online dating makes access to one another too
easy and therefore meaningless.
“And the problem isn't really just a problem with online dating—it's a
problem that extrudes from online markets in general: They lack sufficient
friction, and paradoxically this is not a good thing.A frictionless market
is one that puts together buyer and seller without transaction costs. In the
real world there is no such thing as a frictionless market, but some markets
have more friction than others. Online markets reduce friction drastically in
that they make the shopping part laughably easy.Slater picks up on two
unintended consequences of a low-friction dating market. First, if it is too
easy to find something you just don't value it as much. If diamonds grew on
dandelions no one would care about diamonds. The other consequence is that it
reduces the cost of moving on to something new. Not only is what you have less
valuable, but trading for something new is less expensive as well. Sure, there
is the breakup drama, but online dating markets mean you won't have to suffer
that drama sitting home watching sad movies; you can find a replacement within
days.” (3) This theorist really hits to the base of all that I have stated
above. Online dating has created a lazy
attitude towards dating and break ups that is when put in context actually
pretty disgusting.
But, perhaps I have such a strong feeling of distrust in online dating
because “From the Web-based heavy hitters like OkCupid, eHarmony, and Plenty of
Fish on down to newer apps like Skout, How About We, and MeetMoi, they’re all
developed by men. This might not seem like a big deal, until you consider one
read on why Grindr has been so successful: the app has a “for us by us” appeal
to gay men. But when it comes to heterosexual-dating technology, all-male
co-founders represent the wants and needs of only half of their target
audience.”(4) This fact fascinated me, as I am very intrigued by the differences
between women and men and their communication and relationships
components. One would think the most
successful online dating site would be one designed by a couple. Actually Malcolm Gladwell discusses a speed
dating experience performed by a man and woman together in Blink that touches
on this theory. Of course, online dating
site designed and created by men are going to present issues to women. Women and men as we already now learn
differently, communicate differently and have completely different ideas often
on romance. It is no wonder than the
these online sites lose their intrigue and seem fleeting, they are missing that
feminine touch.
In these male designed and instituted online sites there is an element missing.“This type of artificial "contact" contradicts the process of meaningful interpersonal interactions (to be explained), which generates love and attraction.on interpersonal attraction, creating and maintaining love involves validating communications between the partners on a variety of issues, including understanding and concern for the partner's personal and emotional needs, developing companionship, physical attractiveness, cultivating and nurturing physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual well beings, respecting, supporting, forgiving, accepting and encouraging, expressions of appreciation and affection: sexual pleasure and fidelity, commitment, shared activities, as well as the absence of controlling, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, and blaming, among other factors.
In these male designed and instituted online sites there is an element missing.“This type of artificial "contact" contradicts the process of meaningful interpersonal interactions (to be explained), which generates love and attraction.on interpersonal attraction, creating and maintaining love involves validating communications between the partners on a variety of issues, including understanding and concern for the partner's personal and emotional needs, developing companionship, physical attractiveness, cultivating and nurturing physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual well beings, respecting, supporting, forgiving, accepting and encouraging, expressions of appreciation and affection: sexual pleasure and fidelity, commitment, shared activities, as well as the absence of controlling, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, and blaming, among other factors.
To accomplish the above tasks, the partners need to engage in the meaningful
interactions (face-to-face interactions, including both verbal and nonverbal
communications), which allow one person to give to and receive from the other.
(Although online daters may be able to exchange messages after they pass each
other's initial screening on the basis of evaluating the category-based
information, the process is the opposite of the interaction-based attraction).
The meaningful interactions depend on two factors: (1) the right opportunities
(the right time, place, persons, and further communications) and, (2) the right
mind (absence of biases about the self and others).”
Engaging in human to human contact will never be replaced on any electronic
screen anywhere. Meaningful interactions
are such a crucial part of being human, or perhaps of being woman given my
earlier sentiment on male based internet dating sites.
I must apologize for my statement that
men are irritating me. I was irritated when I blogged last week and
taking time to self reflect I realized it is not men that are irritating.
What is irritating is the games people play while dating. When once I
thought I enjoyed pursuing men or “the chase” what I realized is that what I
actually enjoy is communication. Let me explain. I like being able
to be flirtatious, sexy, confident in texting a man that I am interested
in. I of course in return enjoy when he is the same back. I was
categorising this as the chase. But the chase is really a series of back
and forth maybes that I do not like at all. I am too old, tired, busy,
you name it I am it to waste energy on men that I am not actually interested
in. I am not saying I know right away that I am interested in someone and
it is going to work. That would be a lie, but what I do know is that I
would like to see where things go, and if they go awry at least we tried.
What is so irritating about the dating game is there are no simple and straight
forward answers. It is as if everyone is unsure or does not want to know
just for fun. Here is the thing, I am sure and I know what fun is and
chasing around someone that is hot and cold is not it. That is the
irritating part of dating. Here is an example:
Text conversation:
Me: Hey what are you up to later?
Man: I am not sure why?
Me: Oh I am free and wanted to know if
you wanted to get together?
Man: Maybe what did you have in mind?
This conversation is typical of the
dating conversations we have, but here is the thing, if you are interested in
someone and they ask you if you are free and you are than you should just say
yes. Furthermore if you are free and are interested in someone else that
is free than you should say yes to getting together NOT maybe. But this
is all part of a game, it comes with waiting three days to call, awkward
goodbye hugs, not knowing when to put out to what level, how long to wait
before letting them meet your friends, etc. It is all this artificial
game that we have been programmed into and it is frustrating. My ideal
dating scenario would be with a man who knows what he wants, is not afraid to
be full on and want to hang out, who is not someone who uses lines such as “I
am not sure what I want right now” or “I am in a weird place right now” or
anything that is an excuse or story keeping them from just wanting to get one
another. I would further like to point out that just because you go on a
handful of dates with someone and like getting to know them does not mean you
are going to date them long term or marry them. It is like men are deer
frozen in the head lights of the idea of dating. Snap out of it! Dating
is full of break ups, rejections, endings, new beginnings, it is what makes it
fun. But, it is only fun if you are actually trying, not if you are
dottling in centre lines of the street over analyzing something that you are
enjoying. The whole dating scenario is just ludicrous at this point to
me. I am beyond irritated of head games and half assed effort. Here
is a new concept if you are interested in someone BE INTERESTED! Let yourself
go, have fun, love like you will never get hurt, or by the time you pull your
head out of the metaphorical sand she will have moved on and you will be
standing there asking youself what happened. I am telling you what
happened she got tired of your games and tired of your half ass effort, she
realized she is better than that shit and moved on. Mystery solved.
Clearly I am still irritated by the games. I do strongly believe
there are many men out there that feel the same way about the dating game, that
it is too full of head games.
1) http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jan/29/data-dating-amy-webb-online-romance
2) http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/01/the-many-problems-with-online-datings-radical-efficiency/266796/
4) http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-justice-and-responsibility-league/201007/why-online-dating-is-poor-way-find-love
