Online dating = Online Duds. An insight into why online dating does not work.

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide?

Judy Tenuta quotes

With the unfortunate demise of some more relationships around me, as more of my amazing friends join the single market the topic of online dating is in full debate.  I have to tell you, based on my personal experiences, and the following literature, I am not a supporter of online dating.  The main reason why I believe online dating does not work, and the majority of research agrees, is that online the majority of people input information that is favorable but not necessarily true. “The problem with online dating is that algorithms use the information we enter ourselves. Algorithms don't work. Bad data in = bad data out. Think, for a moment, about the people who "smoke only when they drink." I'd call them smokers. We tend to enter information on dating sites, in Facebook, in Twitter and elsewhere, aspirationally rather than objectively” (1)  Thus while someone may wish they could quit smoking and be athletic, online they claim these aspirations to be true already of themselves, when they are not.  With this in mind, most online relationships are starting on false pretences.  Ms. M lately went on an online date, her exact words were “I had to super wasted just to even think about sleeping with him” do not worry! She did not end up with the hook up! But, prior to this meeting she was saying how she was about to meet up with a gorgeous French man.  He created a false image of himself by posting only flattering imagery.  This had also been my experience with online dating.  The photographs posted were appealing, while the in person meeting was often the opposite.  One of my ODEs that I spoke of in the past contacted me recently, you may remember him, he was actually attractive, we had a nice date and then I never heard from him again.  Well he sent me a message saying that something bad had happened to him and he was now homeless and if I knew anyone looking for a roommate to let him know.  Now, I am not an un-compassionate person, I often would give my friends the shirt off my back.  But, this is a stranger I had one date with off the Internet.  I am not going to invite him into my house or my friend’s homes, he could be a convict, or a drug addict or god only knows what.  So this is what I mean by the above paragraph, a person can create an amazing profile, but in the end they may be someone you do not want to have in your life.

The second reason why I believe that online dating does not work is because it freaks you out very quickly.  “Keep in mind that if you're feeling rejected or that you're going on dozens of awful dates, it's because digital media has accelerated what is usually a longer process. We tend not to date 12 new people in a single week. Yet we can easily meet, chat with, initially feel attracted to and then horrified by 12 new people a day because of online dating.”(1)  It is hyper speed dating and it can be repulsive after a while.  Sure, at first the flattery, attention and intrigue leads you to think that it could be fun, but, then after about, oh let’s say six dates, you realize that online dating is really full of people you would never be interested in dating in the first place.  If you think about Real Life Dating (RLD) and how often you meet someone you are interested it is maybe about once a week, or month or whatever your social schedule is like and depends how often you meet people.  Social media in the form of online dating accelerates this immensely.  Instead of RLD situations of meeting someone once and while, you have hundreds of people to chat to at your finger tips.  Now if you think about the times that you have met someone out and about and had a drink with, or said no to having a drink with, or been on one or two dates with, or whatever the scenario where you meet someone that you may think is dating material and now think about the duds of those situations they are perhaps around 70 percent.  This rate is also accelerated by online dating, it increases the amount of people you meet and therefore increases the amount of people you are really not interested in.  The frustration comes from being in the mind frame of wanting to meet someone you are interested in, not in meeting more and more people you are not.

Another reason that I do not believe in online dating is because it makes dating too easy. “It makes it too easy to find people, to ditch people… Now you go online, select a partner, and you are immediately dating someone who is at least interested in you. Of course online dating is still work, but the emotional labor and risk of failure has been significantly reduced.”(2) The effort in attaining your partner is lost in the online world.  So you met your partner online, that did not take very much effort.  Unlike in person, your palms get sweaty, your heart beat starts to pick up, you are nervous because there she/he is right in front of you.  The person you have been eyeing all night, or week, or however long, is finally in a position where you can ask them out, or ask them to have a drink, or at least ask them their name.  There is that intense moment, driven out of lust, passion, the desire to have their affection but it is also surrounded by fear of rejection which makes it so real.  This moment of uncertainty will never be felt online. The rush of when you finally grow a pair and approach the object of your affection is exhilarating in a way that will never be cybernetically copied.  But, it is also because of this reason that things like this happen.  I had been chatting to some guy on POF a while back and he tells that he met his last girlfriend online (which almost every guy on POF had told me so it is clearly a great success as they are single again).  So,  I asked how long they were dating  for and he answers over a year and it turns out they broke up a week ago! AND they are still living together but he is chatting on POF because he missed the socialisation.  To further my point he tried to dirty talk me and wanted to invite me over.  Online dating makes access to one another too easy and therefore meaningless.

“And the problem isn't really just a problem with online dating—it's a problem that extrudes from online markets in general: They lack sufficient friction, and paradoxically this is not a good thing.A frictionless market is one that puts together buyer and seller without transaction costs. In the real world there is no such thing as a frictionless market, but some markets have more friction than others. Online markets reduce friction drastically in that they make the shopping part laughably easy.Slater picks up on two unintended consequences of a low-friction dating market. First, if it is too easy to find something you just don't value it as much. If diamonds grew on dandelions no one would care about diamonds. The other consequence is that it reduces the cost of moving on to something new. Not only is what you have less valuable, but trading for something new is less expensive as well. Sure, there is the breakup drama, but online dating markets mean you won't have to suffer that drama sitting home watching sad movies; you can find a replacement within days.” (3) This theorist really hits to the base of all that I have stated above.  Online dating has created a lazy attitude towards dating and break ups that is when put in context actually pretty disgusting.

But, perhaps I have such a strong feeling of distrust in online dating because “From the Web-based heavy hitters like OkCupid, eHarmony, and Plenty of Fish on down to newer apps like Skout, How About We, and MeetMoi, they’re all developed by men. This might not seem like a big deal, until you consider one read on why Grindr has been so successful: the app has a “for us by us” appeal to gay men. But when it comes to heterosexual-dating technology, all-male co-founders represent the wants and needs of only half of their target audience.”(4) This fact fascinated me, as I am very intrigued by the differences between women and men and their communication and relationships components.  One would think the most successful online dating site would be one designed by a couple.  Actually Malcolm Gladwell discusses a speed dating experience performed by a man and woman together in Blink that touches on this theory.  Of course, online dating site designed and created by men are going to present issues to women.  Women and men as we already now learn differently, communicate differently and have completely different ideas often on romance.  It is no wonder than the these online sites lose their intrigue and seem fleeting, they are missing that feminine touch. 

In these male designed and instituted online sites there is an element missing.“This type of artificial "contact" contradicts the process of meaningful interpersonal interactions (to be explained), which generates love and attraction.on interpersonal attraction, creating and maintaining love involves validating communications between the partners on a variety of issues, including understanding and concern for the partner's personal and emotional needs, developing companionship, physical attractiveness, cultivating and nurturing physical, emotional, intellectual and spiritual well beings, respecting, supporting, forgiving, accepting and encouraging, expressions of appreciation and affection: sexual pleasure and fidelity, commitment, shared activities, as well as the absence of controlling, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling, and blaming, among other factors.

To accomplish the above tasks, the partners need to engage in the meaningful interactions (face-to-face interactions, including both verbal and nonverbal communications), which allow one person to give to and receive from the other. (Although online daters may be able to exchange messages after they pass each other's initial screening on the basis of evaluating the category-based information, the process is the opposite of the interaction-based attraction). The meaningful interactions depend on two factors: (1) the right opportunities (the right time, place, persons, and further communications) and, (2) the right mind (absence of biases about the self and others).” Engaging in human to human contact will never be replaced on any electronic screen anywhere.  Meaningful interactions are such a crucial part of being human, or perhaps of being woman given my earlier sentiment on male based internet dating sites.

I must apologize for my statement that men are irritating me.  I was irritated when I blogged last week and taking time to self reflect I realized it is not men that are irritating.  What is irritating is the games people play while dating.  When once I thought I enjoyed pursuing men or “the chase” what I realized is that what I actually enjoy is communication.  Let me explain.  I like being able to be flirtatious, sexy, confident in texting a man that I am interested in.  I of course in return enjoy when he is the same back.  I was categorising this as the chase.  But the chase is really a series of back and forth maybes that I do not like at all.  I am too old, tired, busy, you name it I am it to waste energy on men that I am not actually interested in.  I am not saying I know right away that I am interested in someone and it is going to work.  That would be a lie, but what I do know is that I would like to see where things go, and if they go awry at least we tried.  What is so irritating about the dating game is there are no simple and straight forward answers.  It is as if everyone is unsure or does not want to know just for fun.  Here is the thing, I am sure and I know what fun is and chasing around someone that is hot and cold is not it.  That is the irritating part of dating.  Here is an example:

Text conversation:

Me: Hey what are you up to later?

Man: I am not sure why?

Me: Oh I am free and wanted to know if you wanted to get together?

Man: Maybe what did you have in mind?

This conversation is typical of the dating conversations we have, but here is the thing, if you are interested in someone and they ask you if you are free and you are than you should just say yes.  Furthermore if you are free and are interested in someone else that is free than you should say yes to getting together NOT maybe.  But this is all part of a game, it comes with waiting three days to call, awkward goodbye hugs, not knowing when to put out to what level, how long to wait before letting them meet your friends, etc.  It is all this artificial game that we have been programmed into and it is frustrating.  My ideal dating scenario would be with a man who knows what he wants, is not afraid to be full on and want to hang out, who is not someone who uses lines such as “I am not sure what I want right now” or “I am in a weird place right now” or anything that is an excuse or story keeping them from just wanting to get one another.  I would further like to point out that just because you go on a handful of dates with someone and like getting to know them does not mean you are going to date them long term or marry them.  It is like men are deer frozen in the head lights of the idea of dating.  Snap out of it! Dating is full of break ups, rejections, endings, new beginnings, it is what makes it fun.  But, it is only fun if you are actually trying, not if you are dottling in centre lines of the street over analyzing something that you are enjoying.  The whole dating scenario is just ludicrous at this point to me.  I am beyond irritated of head games and half assed effort.  Here is a new concept if you are interested in someone BE INTERESTED! Let yourself go, have fun, love like you will never get hurt, or by the time you pull your head out of the metaphorical sand she will have moved on and you will be standing there asking youself what happened.  I am telling you what happened she got tired of your games and tired of your half ass effort, she realized she is better than that shit and moved on.  Mystery solved. 

Clearly I am still irritated by the games.  I do strongly believe there are many men out there that feel the same way about the dating game, that it is too full of head games.  

1)    http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/jan/29/data-dating-amy-webb-online-romance

2) http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/01/the-many-problems-with-online-datings-radical-efficiency/266796/

3)       http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/culture/2013/02/dating-app-for-women-that-isnt-awful.html#ixzz2Nw3zFIpy

4)       http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-justice-and-responsibility-league/201007/why-online-dating-is-poor-way-find-love