Love = Fear

http://www.youtube.com/v/8wFBBvNQkwU?autohide=1&version=3&attribution_tag=ZBxppb-vCazJf-sz0aCxEQ&showinfo=1&autohide=1&feature=share&autoplay=1

LOVE = Terrifying.

“Funny thing about life is that it never turns out the way you want it to.” 
― S.L. Jennings, Fear of Falling

So I recently experienced the first feeling of uncertainty this week with The American and it shook me back to the realization that falling for someone sort of freaks me out.  There was a very brief, not serious moment where I read one of his texts and realized that I had no idea where the conversation was headed.  Was he going to say we are over or the opposite (fortunately he as usual said the best comment and we moved forward smoothly).  But, for that one second of uncertainty, (which I had not even contemplated given that I am so smitten) made me realize that rejection is possible.  That falling in love exposes us to the serious risk of being broken.  I look at my life over the past year and see that it is amazing.  I have done more in this year alone than I ever have in any of my previous relationship states.  I am more successful, healthy and have the highest self confidence I have ever had in my life, not to mention have meaningful friendships and relationships with my family.  All in all I would say in my year of being single I developed my life to a great potential which is exactly why falling in love is scary because does it mean this will all change?  So I got to thinking about falling for someone and I am not talking about superficial, been there, done that kind of love.  I am talking about recognizing that the person you are currently dating is the kind of person who has the ability to make you fall head over heels, deeply into sensational love.  And, while your relationship is filled with moments where you feel yourself falling into this person, your relationship is also going to have moments where you feel fear of losing said person.  The following are five reasons why love is some what terrifying:

“Your fears are not you. Do you hear me? They don't define who you are.” 
― S.L. Jennings, Fear of Falling

1) Uncharted territory! Yes by this ripe old age I have fallen in love several times, of course  (I believe all loves teach us lessons that are crucial to who we become).  But, the thing is new love is NEW! It is uncharted territory that can be intimidating. The person you are falling for is also shiny and NEW and so everything is very uncertain and unknown which is alarming! Because you do not know where these feelings are headed and more so what the object of your affection is actually capable of.  So yes, you have fallen in and out of love before but what if this new love is one that makes you fall like never before?  What if it is the kind of all in, soul wrenching, heart stopping, never recover from kind of love?  What if this person is truly your one?  Then what? And, so the uncertainty makes the whole situation somewhat unbearable to a person like me who loves to have a plan and feel secure (that is the Capricorn in me talking!).

“[...] when you know, you know. And you don't fight it. You don't deny the inevitable. You free fall because you know there's someone there to catch you on the other side.” 
― S.L. Jennings, Fear of Falling

2) He's the one.  So now you have found the one, now what?  Exactly.  Clearly if you have been dating up to this point and you have now found the one you are really not sure what happens next.  (Duh-duh-da-da-bridal theme music playing in the background) and you begin to freak out because wedding bells WHAT? You are not the type who wants to get married or have children and in fact you were actually pretty content kissing frogs and primarily being single until Prince Charming appeared and you began to talk about the future and that is when you realized.  Your future plans up until this point never really involved anyone but yourself and perhaps some cats or a dog.  But, a whole other person?  And you know from your past relationships it is only a matter of time before both your parents, friends, coworker start asking "So when are you two going to tie the knot, tick tock" and you begin to have a  bit of a panic attack over something that has not even happened yet but you are sure will once you fall in love.  Then there are so many things and plans to discuss and all these conversations sort of feel over whelming.  Because, when you are single you never really have to define your goals and share your aspirations with someone, you can just keep going in any direction you see fit.  (Note: This kind of panic is probably not felt by those who have been dreaming of a white wedding since they were old enough to play make believe.  BUT! To these individuals I strongly warn that you evaluate your love and MAKE SURE that he is truly your ONE and that you are not just forcing yourself to settle with someone out of your ideal future, remember it is far better to be alone than with the wrong person).

“... the scariest part about love isn’t love itself. It’s letting go and plunging into the unknown. It’s trusting someone with the very most sacred part of your heart. It’s allowing yourself to feel something foreign and uncharted, despite how much it terrifies the hell out of you” 
― S.L. Jennings, Fear of Falling

3) Control? What is that? So long control, hello love.  That is right falling in love is not something one can control.  It is also extremely powerful at making you completely defenseless against all other reason.  HOLD ON! You are about to jump on the roller coaster of love! One day you are happy alone buying groceries at the corner mart without a care in the world and BAM (damn cupid) the next you are finding yourself humming love songs while at said grocery mart, or smiling like an idiot at the bus station (and sometimes giggling) at reading one of his cute texts.  What. Has. Happened. To. You...You my friend are falling in love.  You are no longer in control of your ups and downs, no, they have been handed over to a higher power. The love gods have them now! And now when you would just wake up and start your day, well, now you wake up and think about someone, and smile and you are all smitten. This is an unnerving sensation.  Why?Because, you have lost control over your heart and emotions.   While yes you feel incredibly happy and lucky you also recognize that those feelings are not of your own doing.  So many emotion coming from someone else is a frightening revelation because you have got accustom to making yourself and others in your life happy.  You have grown to realize that you can be the center of your own joy and how to create positivism in your life so when you recognize your love interest is taking a huge role in creating your ups it can create a feeling of uneasiness.

“Love. It was the thing that bound us and tore us apart. It was our disease and the remedy of our shattered hearts. It was a sonofabitch.” 
― S.L. Jennings, Fear of Falling

4) They like me, they really like me! Wait a minute.  I am going to confess something that will probably make you say (awe-in pity) and that is fine, but it is a main reason why I have always had a hard time letting men get to know the whole me in the past.  I have always kept up a facade that I thought they would enjoy far more than the actual person I am until recently because of this:  One of my exes (Mr. AA to be precise you may recall he was abusive, addicted, all the wonderful A words he so rightly deserves to be labelled with) use to tell me this all the time: "Ya, guys will like you until they get to know you, the minute they get to know you they will leave you."  Ouch.  To hear that no one will ever love your personality from someone who really knows your personality is a hard thing to take in.  It shakes you to your core and time, after time, after time of being rejected you begin to think this statement is true.  That the real you is un-loveable, in fact not even all that likable.  So there is a huge fear behind being left because they truly get to know me, and well, quiet frankly just could not deal with what they saw.  Of course by now I am not afraid to expose my real personality to everyone all the time, living in fear of people not liking you is not healthy.  But, just because I am totally exposing myself to my lovers, friends, families and all you readers does not mean I am not worried about rejection.  I am, there is a moment after I post a blog or vlog where I think "Oh no, I am so strange, everyone is going to judge me and not like it." But, then I just realize that this kind of mentality is ridiculous.  So many people have reached out in support to me and I have amazing supportive friends and family.  SO! I have to remind myself that I am worth finding someone who appreciates me just the way I am, and hiding myself is not helping anything.

“[...] just remember, the storm doesn't last forever. It can scare you; it can shake you to your core. But it never lasts. The rain subsides, the thunder dies, and the winds calm to a soft whisper. And that moment after the storm clouds pass, when all is silent and still, you find peace. Quiet, gentle peace.” 
― S.L. Jennings, Fear of Falling

5) What if they leave you. Oh yes falling in love is grand, isn't it?  It is all sunshine and lollypops and rainbows and wonderful emotions that make you happy to be alive!  But, then one day as you are swooning over your love you begin to think about what it would feel like if he left you. Man, that would suck wouldn't it?  Or even worse! He met someone else! and they were getting all his affection and love, and it would be all over Facebook and Twitter and his parents would like her more than you and his friends too...  Welcome to Fearofrejectionland population pretty much everyone.  That is right, there comes a time with your love interest when you will just for a second worry what will happen when he takes that away?  OR! even worse he takes it away and he gives it to someone else all in front of you.  So your mind races around to a million scary/sad places and you begin to freak out, because love is scary.   Of course it is not fun to think of the joy of love being taken away from you.  It never is and never will be I am afraid.  And, in the beginning of course these thoughts are few and fleeting but they still on occasion rear their ugly little head at you.  But, unfortunately losing is a possible consequence of love.  I have blogged about this in the past, there is a risk for every action and taking a chance on love will always have the chance of hearth ache. There is no changing that.

“I’m afraid because, whenever he’s around, I’m not scared anymore. I feel…safe. Like being near him is the most natural thing in the world.” 
― S.L. Jennings, Fear of Falling

While it may seem ridiculous that the realization that something magnificent is possible is just as frightening as it is exciting, it is.  Falling is scary for the five reasons listed above yes, but worth it! If you let fear dictate your life you will miss out on some incredible journeys.  And, here is the thing, some of these journeys that we call love are not going to end well.  But, they will take you where you need to be for the love that does end well.  And, always remember it is far better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  So I say jump in with both feet and love like you will never get hurt.  Honestly people who have been scared by great romance but still put them self back together to love again are the most courageous people.

As for me I am still impressed everyday by The American it is either his hilarious creative wit or small thoughtful actions or most days a combination of both (should pay credit to the fact that he is handsome of course) that has got me to thinking about the concept of love...am I falling into it?  It is too soon to tell regardless if being with him is wrong, than I don't want to be right! Thanks for reading! XOXO

Sex: When To Avoid It

SEX, when not to have it.

"Twitterpated: The happy feeling you get that causes you to smile uncontrollably"
-Bambi

Thank you! (all of you who rooted for me while waiting not so patiently on the bench to join the dating game with The American).   Hence now The American and I are a happy new couple entering the big scary uncertain world of dating.  Which really got me to thinking about SEX. I guess in particular because I am completely engulfed in the honey moon period, and I mean totally twitterpated and full of feelings so everything, including intimacy takes on a whole new perspective.  But it really got me to wondering about why in general it seems like sex has become so meaningless? What I mean is remember when you were young, I mean really young, like elementary school or middle school and you had your first date with your first love interest and it was such a HUGE deal if he held your hand?  What ever happened to PG 13 relationships?  What happened to enjoying all the small steps leading up to sex and everything in between?  Where did anticipation go? Butterflies? What ever happened to getting to know someone and actually liking them before hopping into the sack?  I will tell you what happened.  We ate from the delicious, poisonous tree.  Ah yes, sex.  The forbidden delightful fruit that once we experienced it there was no turning back.  But, in this transition we lost something so special.  Have you ever been laying with your lover of a long enough time to have an over whelming urge of emotions for them?  A wave of love washes over you and you think truly this is what love is.  And, then for that split second you think, wouldn't it have been great if I waited for this moment, this purely lost in intensity of soul connected intimacy to have sex?  Sorry if I am the only one who has pondered this, but I know for a fact I am not.  Ms. K always tells me do you think people know sex is better the more you care about someone? I wholeheartedly agree with this statement.  (While of course Ms. M will argue to the death the benefits of casual sex, she too recognizes the difference once emotions are involved).  Sex, can (and usually is, in particular at this age) pleasurable, and of course men and women are possibly worlds apart in their views on this given their abilities to climax (we all know women are a bigger challenge than most men), but sex is just meaningless getting off when you take out the true intimacy of the path more of us should take to get there. Respect.  What happened to it? and, in a world where a woman is not suppose to be easy or she is a sl*t but she is not suppose to be a prude or she is a b*tch what is a girl to do?  The following are three moments in time where you and your two good friends Self Respect and Dignity should walk away from a proposition to do the deed:

"Lonely.  I'm Mr. Lonely.
I have nobody to call my own."
-Bobby Vinton

1) Loneliness. An unfortunate truth to being human is that at times we all get lonely and miss the physical interaction of coupledom.  Falling asleep in someone's arms hearing their heart softly beating against your face (one of my most favorite sounds, and the way their voice vibrates softly through their chest too = heaven).  Waking up to someone's bed head and smile.  Having someone to spice up the mundane grocery run and to stay in to watch the latest episode of GRIMM, or whatever you fancy.  Human contact is something that we have come to value highly. And it is no wonder why: "When we hug someone, oxytocin is released into our bodies by our pituitary gland, lowering both our heart rates and our cortisol levels. Cortisol is the hormone responsible for stress, high blood pressure, and heart disease. In addition to releasing Oxytocin, hugs also stimulate brains to release dopamine, the pleasure hormone." (1) Further more, being with someone gives you a feeling of value, when someone is choosing to be with you it makes you feel good. But! That does not mean that one should hop in the sack in an attempt to feel this. In fact, just the opposite will happen, because attaching yourself to someone out of fear of being alone is absurd!  Of course being with someone feels wonderful, but being with the wrong someone feels like hell (I would know).  And, we often stick to the wrong person or jump into something all wrong for all the wrong reasons.  DON'T BE WITH SOMEONE to avoid feeling negative emotions such as loneliness  be with someone because they truly make you happier when you ARE ALREADY HAPPY.  Be with someone because they enrich your life.  Be with the person who the thought of makes you smile.  Do not be with any random someone because you are tired of waking up alone.  In fact if you are tired of waking up alone you seriously need to improve your quality of life! Make your life the best life possible.  Wake up every morning enjoying where you are and thinking about what you, just you, can do.  Lastly love will never find you if you are searching for it.  Love finds you when you stop thinking about all the reasons you want it and start enjoying all the reasons your life is amazing.

"How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being."
-Oscar Wilde

2)Social Norms. (Tick tock, tick tock).  I recently had my annual check up with my family physician.  He asked me about my dating life and when he heard my answer he literally tapped his finger on his imaginary watch on his wrist and said "Tick, tock."  (Sigh).  I guess that is the sound of my biological clock ticking away to old dusty womb.  SERIOUSLY!?! It is exactly this mentality that make men and women settle for someone that they are not destined to share an amazing life with. Somehow you have become a social pariah because your plus one is imaginary and your friends are all having children and settling down. So, you begin to feel DESPERATE.  You begin to think you should probably just give up on your aspirations of meeting someone who actually completes you and decide you may as well prowl the pub scene at late hours because those men are looking to score and then maybe you can turn it into something more.  After all you have been scouring the city and your list of friends time and time again to see if there are any potential mates out there, time is of the essence! YA RIGHT! I would rather strive for a life alone or finding someone who doubles my happiness factor than settle!  Here is the thing you may not meet the person you are destined for greatness with until you are 100, who knows.  But what I do know is looking for it between a stranger's sheets is NOT the answer! In fact it really just adds confusion to your already confused state.  Using sex in an attempt to find love is never a good idea.  I can guarantee you that more often than not you are going to end up just being used and feeling pretty bad about yourself in the end.  Stop looking for love to fit in, if it wants to find you it will, and if your lucky there will be NOTHING NORMAL or fitting in about it.  There is no point in making poor life decisions that take away from your self esteem in the name of fitting in.   You may kiss A LOT of frogs before you meet someone who even resembles a prince BUT settling with a frog is still settling for a damn frog, don't sell yourself short. 

"The reason I hold on, 
is I need this hole gone."
-Rihanna

3) You are in an altered state....I have talked about his before.  So there you are freshly bruised and broken from your most recent heart ache.  Your soul feels like it has been ripped in two and you are not really sure how you feel.  (This is not saying rebound sex should not occur, it absolutely should once you are emotionally stable enough to enjoy it for what it is, a means to an end).  When you are not in your normal sane head space it is best to steer clear of hook ups! Sex is only going to compound those already high emotions with, you guessed it and bring out your inner lunachick.  (Further more you should SERIOUSLY question the morals of a man who will take you when he can see that your have been crying most of the night and murmuring depressing things about never finding love...).  Random hook ups are only going to be a second (ha! okay hopefully more than a second at least!) of distraction from what you are actually feeling.  And, guess what?? You should be feeling what you are feeling! I know it sucks when you are in pain and hurting and all you want to do is strive for the moment of ecstasy (once again if you're lucky) or at least if nothing else a moment where your mind is completely focused on something else.  But! guess what again?  Just because you were able to trick your mind with meaningless sex that you are no longer sad, your mind is actually not an idiot, and your mind does not control your heart which is still shattered.  So in the awkward post sex moments when you realize that you have made a mistake you are now faced with a whole new level of emotions on top of the ones you were already feeling when really all you should be thinking about is a successful escape route.

The truth of the matter is you have to be whole to enjoy being with someone.  You should be happy and content in life not scouring the streets in search of something more than what you already are.  You are incredible.  You deserve to share yourself with someone who thinks this exact same thing about you.  And, if they don't, then they certainly do not deserve the best of you! 

As for me, I am skipping joyfully into the ins and outs of new romance with The American.  Thanks for reading! XOXO 

References: 
1) Hugs are Awesome (and good for your health) http://breakingmuscle.com/health-medicine/hugs-are-awesome-and-good-for-your-health-too

All pictures as usual are from the lovely google search.

First Video Blog of Diary of A City Girl

5 New Relationship Don'ts

"Oh what a shame that you came here with someone"
Keisha

Unfortunately it is right when someone gets your level of weird that he will possibly not be up for grabs. Let me explain.  While chatting with The American he told me that while I was taking time to figure out if I was over Mr. TooGood he met someone else (Curses!).  Hearing these words from someone who you have become quite fond of  is like pressing pause on the minutes of a stop watch.  Where once there was hope, instantly there is a bleak out look to your situation and you feel a slight tightness in your chest.  BUT! Of course you try and act like you are totally fine with whatever he has going on because he extended that courtesy to you after all....didn't he?  Yes, so you shrug and say that he is welcome to do whatever he wants.  While all the while inside hoping that what he will want is to get to know you, and not his someone else (karma is a cruel mistress).   And, you may be reading this thinking I have done a complete 180 from my previous views of dating so I will tell you why I have grown so fond of said man: 1) I know The American gets my level of strangeness, because when I am really quirky and say odd things he quirks right back (typically men tell me how odd I am but laugh or say I am funny) thus this feature is EXTREMELY rare, in fact only one other person I have ever met has given me this amusement and it was not the level that The American offers, 2) he has not wooed me with trivial actions or purchases, he has won me over through pure conversation and personality, which is also very rare, and 3) he inspires me to always be honest (never feel like he is judging which allows me to tell him things and be myself), but most importantly 4) he makes me only want to date him, NOT keep any other options open as I have been doing in the past, in fact he makes me pretty much uninterested in the fact that other men live in this city, and that is quite the feat (it may have something to do with the fact that he is ridiculously sexy too).  So I began to think about dating and relationships and the potential different ones have and formulate the following five relationship no-nos for those of you who are interested:

"You've got to know when to hold them, 
Know when to fold them
Know when to walk away
Know when to run"
-Kenny Rogers

1) Ultimatums. So it would be grand to live in a world free of ultimatums but let's be real.  Such a world does not exist at this moment.  Ultimatums I suppose are made for couples that have been together long enough to truly care if they remain together and who know one another fairly well.  (But, it should be noted that ultimatums just make head strong women such as myself and men do the exact opposite of your demands, because of an explanation too long to go into here, but basically it is a "I DO WHAT I WANT" mentality. ) Thus new couples should not try ultimatums at the beginning of their relationships because you are still both living your own lives and  there is not much too lose, also, no one wants to be with a control freak.  There is therefore no real threat if that person is in your life or not is there? Not really.  It is not like you have a joint bank account, a house together, children, etc. No you most likely have spent some time together and do enjoy one another's company but in reality that is all.  So if one person says they are pulling the plug and draining your relationship of their presence you are most likely going to say "Whatever makes you happy" and carry on your way.  (Of course there are sometimes when these words are not sincere and they are a test in which case run for the hills, poking the bear, is poking the damn bear no matter what your logic).  So if you are having problems in your newly budding relationship and feel like breaking up is the only answer to "change" someone, give your head a shake.  You do not have the power to change anyone, and who do you think you are trying to change someone anyways?  Let someone who loves them just the way they are find them, and if you are feeling hopeless in your situation, than you should probably just break up now because that is a HUGE RED FLAG.  Must I remind everyone that the beginning is sunshine, lollypops and rainbows?? Honey moon phase should be all smitten and not loathing the one your with!

"These boots are made for walking, 
And that's just what they'll do"
-Lee Hazlewood

2) Sarcastic texting.  Actually perhaps any important conversations via texting period.  Texting is not as good as conversing in person or on the phone for so many reasons but the main reason is that emotion is not expressed and you can not read a reaction (AND also damn autocorrect....autocorrect can make so many things go wrong).  So a perfectly simple text like "Do whatever you want" which can simply mean what it says, or it can be sarcastic, or it can be in anger, there are so many ways for four simple words to be misconstrued in so many directions from one simple text until you and your new love interest are somehow in a battle royal over a simple text that was perceived wrong.  Sigh.  Save yourself the discomfort of these battles and in the beginning try and keep texting to a rational level.  Then, when you do text remember that this person does not know you, you are not texting your BFF so wade carefully into unchartered waters.  (On a side note The American and I text all the time and we hit it off right away in this manner, so there are exceptions to the rule...there are always exceptions to all rules in the game of finding love, remember that!).

"F*ck what I said,
It don't mean sh*t now."
-Eamon

3) Don't sacrifice your life.  So there you are it is Friday night and he said he might call you, but your girls are all out and texting you like mad cause the beats are sick at the club but you decide to stay in and to your dismay he does not call.  This is foolish for two reasons...One: You just gave someone you barely know complete control over your life. Two: You just missed out on living your life. Let me explain the former.  By letting his words control your night you gave him complete control over you, and the fact that he did not call is a bad sign.  You are already handing over the keys to your life and begging him to take the wheel, I smell desperation in the air.  On the latter note, you now missed out on a great night with the gals! Damn it! Those nights are the best aren't they?  They are a hell of a lot better than sitting alone waiting by your phone my dear.  Let me tell you it is a hell of a lot sexier to a man if he calls you and you are out living a fun life than if he calls you and you are just panting in his face like a lost puppy dog.  (And, this pattern once you initiate it will define your relationship with him, I have seen this pattern for years with Ms. K and Ms. M in their relationships, don't waste away in the shadow of some one else).

"Here I am waiting by the phone
Find myself night after night alone."
-Krepiz

4) Play make believe.  Oh yes, you are just starting out in the world of relationships and isn't it fun?  This person does not know you so guess what?  You can create any person you chose to be for them to perceive you as. How much fun is that? Creating a false sense of who you are is actually just avoiding the inevitable! (Because, for some reason you feel as though the person you actually are would not be taken well and fallen for.  You are totally wrong, you are awesome I am sure).   You can make believe all you want that you are the perfect woman and love to cook and clean, and sew, and curtsy...but your words don't make these thoughts true.  Of course we all some what candy coat ourselves when we first start dating, we would not want our new love interest to know what we looked like without make up now would we? HA! I say throw caution to the wind and just be your crazy self.  (Truth with The American I wore no make up the second time we hung out and am totally honest...to which he has not ran for the hills...yet...winning!).  The fact is the person you are with is eventually going to realize you are NOT the painting you have created of yourself! And, the person that you are meant to be with will like your quirks regardless of how strange they are, so try starting your relationship by just being you. I guarantee the person you are meant to be with will get you right from the start and anyone who doesn't is not your lobster. (Friends analogy used "lobster" = life mate)

 "Mean what you say, 
and say what you mean,
 cause those who mind don't matter 
and those who matter don't mind"
-Dr. Suess

5) Fools rush in.  Now given what I said above about The American you may be thinking I am rushing.  But, I am not.  Deciding to get to know one person at a time is NOT rushing anything.  It is simply knowing when someone is worth getting to know and going with the flow.  So back to this last point, DO NOT RUSH.  What is the rush??? Yes of course the honey moon period feels amazing.  You think about them all the time and want to see them everyday, you get butterflies when their number pops up on your caller ID, and you anticipate their texts, and why shouldn't you?  It is just happiness and fun at the start.  So take your time and enjoy it.  DO NOT! Rush into labelling, and meeting the parents and moving in within the week.  This is a HUGE mistake I made with Mr. TooGood and Mr. X, I did not know either of them well enough and rushed right into an committed situation.  Take your time.  The thing is if you hurry love you are just hurrying your heart ache.  You do not know the person you are with and you are rushing to where?  What is your hurry? If that person is your soul mate they are going to be forever, nothing will change years from now if you are meant to be so why are you rushing? Rushing just leads to poor life choices with people you should have taken the time to get to know.  Clearly I would know. And, some of you may be thinking throw caution to the wind and live a little! And of course this is fun, but not when it comes to huge life decisions like which city to live in, whose place to choose, and meeting the family.  These are not small milestones that are easy to move on from or forget, be ready for them.  Also, while you are rushing into something and then trapped by Mr. NotRight, Mr. Right may be someone you meet and you never know because you are so caught up in the wrong love affair to notice.

"Wise men say 'Only fools rush in."
-Elvis

But, not all is lost with The American.  While he made sure to be honest that he had met someone else he also did not say he had ruled me out just yet.  Good conversation and intellectual stimulation can go a long way in a girl's favor.  So, given that he gave me time to sort out my affairs, I decided to return the courtesy and now am waiting on the bench until I called him into play, I suppose it is only fair even though I have literally no patience.  So once again I am asking you readers to route for my team in this scenario because it is not very often a man comes along worth the wait.  Until next week, thanks for reading! XOXO

"You don't have to worry it's an open invitation,
When you're ready come and get it." 
-

3 Break Up DON'Ts

"When you learn the lessons of a failed relationship, that helps you more than anything else to get over it and trade hurt for understanding."

- J.M Kearns Better Love Next Time

First, I would like to thank all of you who read last week's blog.  You really helped me out! I feel a million times better now that I got what I needed to say off my chest.  Thanks! In carrying on with last week's topic I have decided to write this blog dedicated to three things NOT to do once broken up.  Here is the thing, if you are reeling in the pain of a recent break up than you are feeling rather volatile and most likely hurt.  Yes, I know.  Breakups suck.  They suck for both sides because you are either the person breaking someone, or being broken, and both sides are uncomfortable to be on.  Let's face it, ending a relationship with someone is not anyone's idea of a good time.  No one wakes up one morning and says "Hey! You know what would be a great time this weekend? Breaking up."  But here is what we MUST keep in mind. IT. IS. JUST. A. BREAKUP. Yes, these words are at times hard to hear, but, in actuality, all that occurred is two people who are not destined for greatness acknowledged that they need more. Given the collapse of both Ms. K and my own most recent dating adventure I felt that perhaps it is that time of year again to write about the end of love affairs.  It always seems that break ups come in groups, when one relationship ends it somehow creates a domino effect (or ripple effect) resulting in several relations being declared over (perhaps a future blog topic...).  And, why?  For a multitude of reasons but just remember no matter where you are in your relationship status: HOLD ON.  There are always better times ahead, frankly, my last big break from Mr. X was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Because, he dumped me I discovered the life I am meant to be living with the people I never would have met without him, the career I had always dreamed of, the city I fall more in love with everyday, and more life accomplishments through volunteering and running I knew possible (Hollywood movies that exemplify the upside to breakups: Under the Tuscan Sun, and Eat, Prey, Love if only there were more films about breakups being empowering).  And, while at the time I was completely devastated, I now realize that I am SO THANKFUL that I did not waste one more second with him. BUT back to the topic at hand: break ups can be MESSY, AND they can be particularly confusing and chaotic (DRAMA), in particular if you do not follow the three suggestions listed below:

"That's because failed relationships don't just hurt us, they also do damage. They impair our future ability to love and to live. And they consign us to a broken world, a world gone wrong, where our own best lights don't shine. They program us for defeat."
J.M Kearns - Better Love Next Time

1) DON'T CALL HIM/HER: Don't do it!  SPACE! You need it! and so does your ex.  So, in this example we will say that you are the dumpee so you have just been dumped, welcome to your next few weeks of your emotional roller coaster! Some days you will wake up missing him terribly.  But then there is going to be this moment (I guarantee) when longing turns to sadness (despair if you want to be dramatic), which often turns into a sort of deep pain in your chest area convincing your melodramatic emotional lunachick that she is quite literally suffering from a broken heart.  And, then when this pain lingers too long it begins to turn into anger.  Anger comes along because pain is so uncontrollable but anger, well good old anger feels like power (even though it is not). And then sometimes comfortably numb coasts in and it is oh so welcome because it takes away from pain and anger.  It is no wonder during this volatile turning point that you should NOT be calling your ex! Because you are an emotionally unstable lunachick (I would know).  The conversations you are about to unleash on your ex (let's face it in the hopes that your state will inspire a make up session) are not coming from the right place.  You may also come across as a bit of a lunatic with the changing seasons of your emotions towards him so just stay away from the phone.  Also, on the flip side DO NOT ANSWER! you do not answer that phone or those texts, no matter what your ex is saying.  Of course they are going to say all kinds of things because they want you back,  stay away from them.  TRUTH - you broke up for a reason.  It got to the point where it was too bad to work through it so one of you left.  There millions of sexy fish in the sea, be easy on yourself and stay away from your ex it will only lead to more confusion.  I would REALLY, REALLY like to emphasize this fact if you are drunk.  DO NOT DRUNK DIAL YOUR EX.  I cannot list enough reasons on the unlimited space of this blog as to why drunk ex texting/calling is a terrible, terrible idea so just stay away from that too.  (FYI, I have not followed this advise in the past, so I am telling you that this is REALLY important).

"You will remain in rebound mode for the rest of your life and see each new relationship through the prism of the past. If you don't work out why things went wrong before, it will always remain fresh." 
J.M Kearns - Better Love Next Time

2) Face 2 Face: So you have completely disregarded the point of number one and somehow manipulated (or perhaps been manipulated by your unsure ex) into a sit down.  This is a very bad idea.  In a few weeks (or even better a few months!) than absolutely sit down and befriend your ex.   BUT NOT directly after your break up when your emotions are on red alert and your hidden motives are a plenty.  AND PARTICULARLY if by some reason you have not heated up the sheets with rebound sex because you have been burning the candle for their return.  You will most likely end up either in a heated battle of the exes over trivial things that may end up in one of you getting a black eye from a shoe, or in heated make up sex...that is not actually make up sex but is actually break up sex??? Confusion is to follow.  Or on the rare chance you do get back together than also congratulations hopefully you are not like the majority of couples I see out there in the ridiculous pattern of make up/break up relationships that drive everyone mad.  I have often lured my exes back into our relationship with the claim that we must meet face to face for "closure." Ah yes the infamous closure which actually means I want to lure you in so I can talk you into getting back together, and of course they think closure is good because they feel bad about the break up too.  I know now this is a) manipulative and b) ridiculous! The best thing to do IS NOT to see your ex after your break.  Let me tell you if for a week your ex ignores you and stays broken up with you that is closure.  There is no better way to tell someone "Hey we are over!" Than by ignoring them full on and sticking to being broken up.  Anything else is just an excuse to hear your exes reasoning and hopefully talk them out of it.  Just stay away from your ex until you realize that you two can be friends.  I often gauge my ability to be friends if I think of them with another woman and it does not cause that little painful twang in your soul.  You know the one, it has barely began to sink in to you that the two of you are over but then there he is on damn Facebook with his new love interest happy as can be. W. T. F....and you feel a twang, a twang that does not feel good.  Well when that twangy-ness is over, congratulations, you are ready to be friends with you ex.  Exes can make great friends, don't get me wrong.  They can be amazing pals that you turn to for advice and whatever you need for sure, but NOT directly after they have ripped your heart out.  On the flip side if you just ripped out their heart and you are being friendly...QUIT IT.  Stop right now as you are just leading them on and part of you knows this so enough.

"The way they injure you is that you can't go forward, they teach you false lessons about yourself, make you feel inadequate in areas where you weren't really.  You were just with the wrong person."
J.M Kearns - Better Love Next Time

3) Celebrate being single!! Oh ya your f*$king single! Look at you now! Now, I am not saying celebrate being single tastefully but the second you start posting on your social media how happy you are to be single and how happy you are that other person is out of your life you are acting like a total jerk! You are taking away from what you and that person had, you are insulting your last relationship and lastly you are in turn insulting your last partner by insinuating they were some kind of horrible person to be with (perhaps in my case not entirely unwarranted by my exes, my apologies).  But, here is the thing, social media can not be taken back.  You permanently told your 800 or whatever friends your opinion about your ex and there is no taking that back.   Too often I see people post in anger about their ex, you are totally sabotaging the chances that person will ever be friends with you first of all.  Second of all you look like a bit of a lunatic, venting publicly about your issues and lastly you are obviously just wanting attention.   Venting your hostile or rude comments on your social media does not solve the issues at hand, in fact, it only further complicates them.  So BE TASTEFULLY SINGLE! Go out, let your hair down, dance with a twenty something year old art student, take a shot with a sexy Brazilian, enroll in that salsa dance class you have always wanted to, do all the things that your fun single self enjoys.  Don;t spend your time posting photographs of you doing body shots with some breasty blond with a caption like "best night of my life b#tches!" Don't friend a million women on Facebook and then post publicly about how hot all your new single friends are and don't spend your time posting words that are lashing out from your broken heart in the hopes of getting a reaction out of you ex.  The fact is you are NOT writing those words because you are thinking that they are good, NOPE! You are writing them because you are being spiteful and hoping they see those words and feel what you are feeling.  What are you doing?  Check yourself and start living your own life.  Embrace your new found single status with grace, notice I did not say with meaningless rolls in the hay here, as I blogged before you will only find discouragement if you look for it between the sheets of every stranger you encounter. But, find a healthy outlet for your emotions, and recognize sometimes when things end it is for the best.  (Some of you may be thinking I am hypocritical here because my blog is not always flattering towards my exes, however, this blog is just as much about self recognition as it is about others.  It is a look at both exes and myself and names are never used.  And, this outlet has made me realize so many awesome things I would have never thought about so it is for self actualization and TOTALLY not for attention and pity, that is the truth).

"Sometimes, happiness itself is the hurdle you can't get over,"
-Kearns - Better Love Next Time

It is right when you are in the midst of your break up therapy that you will meet someone very intriguing, let's call him The American.  And, perhaps I met him in a bit of a haze because I was headed home from being out downtown, and I may perchance met him on my commute route, and also, probably only because I was confident (possibly slightly intoxicated) and asked to listen to his head phones...to which numbers were exchanged....to which in the morning you don't really remember his name or even what he looked like (HEY! It was only about 15 minutes of interaction on public transit, give me some slack).  So I saved him in my phone as "The American" because it sounds sexy, doesn't it? (I'm thinking Clooney, I'm thinking foreign, I'm thinking accents...mmhmm).  Regardless we some how end up texting everyday.  In fact he does not seem offended when you ask for his name or for a picture, he is also not get offended when you raincheck on him several times because you are not really sure if you are ready to move on (and because you are anxious to spend time with someone your drunk alter ego picked out).  But, when we chatted for long enough and he gave me time to sort myself out I realized he is actually pretty unique. In fact, he is pretty awesome.   BUT! you are not one for rushing (now), and amusingly enough neither is he.  In fact when you try and ask him to hang out again or just a little more time when you do finally hang out, he says "No." Ugh, N followed by O.  My two least favorite letters paired together.  And, yet when it comes to it his immunity to my womanly charms only makes me more curious about him.  So while perhaps it is just friendship unfolding, perhaps it is nothing, perhaps it is something....who knows, but the intrigue that he presents has me guessing what comes next, and that is what being single is all about.  Till next week XOXO.

Break Up Revelations or Perhaps Just Break Up Remorse....

"Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time."
-Lady Antebellum

This week I am using this blog as a public apology.  Mostly because Mr. TooGood stopped speaking to me completely and there are some things that I want to say.  So here goes (for the record I am not overly good at apologies or admitting my faults so keep that in mind).  I thought that I wanted my single life, because for the last year that is all I have known.  And, the truth of the matter is that crumbs on the counter and clothes on the floor are really insignificant when they are part of coming home to someone.  But, you truly have to lose someone to realize that don't you? And, that old saying "Chose your battles" really resonates once you realize that you made battles out of what should have been mild discussions.  I did this out of fear.  Fear of letting someone in, fear of someone changing my world, fear of losing something great, but, while trying to maintain what I thought was great I also lost something amazing.  I felt like every discussion was not heard, and, I forgot that in the beginning you learn what works and what doesn't.  NOT try and impose what works for you.  And I had forgotten this valuable lesson because I:
1) had been in a long term relationship of over three years before and;
2) I have been single for over a year.
So I saw every difference of opinion as loss of control and loss of control as a bad thing, but what I realize now is that relationships are about compromise. They are about learning what works, and what doesn't and when you are at your wits end not to lose control because you think no one is listening but instead re-calibrate yourself to find out what can work.  In my ignorance I lost someone truly special to me (we can say once again) I was so stuck on the idea that it would not work that I never gave it a chance and for this I am sorry.  I was also so stuck on the idea that my life was so good that I was blind to see that it could have been better.  And, I was so busy reminding myself of all the annoying little things that drove me crazy, I forgot to acknowledge all the daily things that made me actually made me pretty crazy about him.  So out of my recognition I would like to share with you three things that break ups teach us in the hopes that if you are on the verge of one you can fix things:

"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now."
-Lady Antebellum

1) Communication.  Here is what we all need to realize is that this is not always going to be easy. (In fact it is actually going to be really f*cking hard sometimes) In particular when you are just getting to know one another.  Everyone has a way of remembering things, and some people prefer discussions to be in person or by phone, some people prefer writing down how they feel (I am clearly the latter!).  We are all different and we are all trying to figure out what works and this can be EXTREMELY frustrating! It can often feel like someone does not care, it can often feel like they are never listening, so when this happens instead of accusing your partner of not listening I suggest you reevaluate what is actually happening.  Are you texting your lover when he has a million things going on (and his boss is breathing down his neck) to ask him to bring home milk after work?  Chances are he is not taking in that request.  But, life can be this stressful too, perhaps you are asking him to pick up dog food the next day but he is lost in a day dream about a conversation he had with his coworker earlier that day which could have gone better.  Because, life distracts us, life takes us places and it also creates the way in which we perceive what is going on around us.  Communication is key to every relationship.  So I have heard this a million times "I have to get mad or you don't get it" and never fully understood this mentality until recently when I found myself thinking it.  And, I should be ashamed, because those words literally mean I wanted someone to feel negative emotions in order to take in my opinion.  Selfish and cruel all in one move.  Instead of recognizing this in myself I placed blame on Mr. TooGood believing if he was just listening I would not get so upset.  Communication is definitely a two way street but I was not allowing for myself to be faulted, I was not acknowledging that my mode of communication was not healthy, and also that there are a million different ways to deal with communication. I am telling you,  if you feel like you are solely right and that your partner is just hell bent on not listening than YOU ARE WRONG.  Your partner is actually trying their best and frankly staying with you even though you are being a complete b*tch which should speak to their level of affection for you.  Feel happy that you have someone who is willing to put up with your sh*t, and begin to search for better ways to express yourself and be heard.  Nagging, anger, and malicious content are never the answer.  Don't lose your lover because you were too stubborn to find this answer, trust me the aftermath of loss is a lot worse than the aftermath of admitting you were wrong and finding a better way together, I am sure of it.  BUT! Keep in mind I am NEVER telling you to sacrifice what you are trying to stay.  Keep your opinions and stand your ground always (don't become some door mat with no opinions! Just try and find a way to make those opinions heard).

"Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time."
-Lady Antebellum

2) Appreciate the good times.  So things hit a bad spot and all of a sudden all you can see is the negative. So, you pile all the bad things together to fabricate on hell of a good reason to focus on the negative. But, there a million and one reasons why you care about the person you are with and why you are falling for them right?   I will critique myself here in that I thought I was doing it right appreciating once in a while but I was also being pretty demanding most of the time.   I thought that being assertive would create respect. What I did not realize is that positive comments are far more productive than negative nagging, shame on me.  What I should have done and you should do is instead of reminding about crumbs, facial trimmings, toilet seats, and laundry maintenance, is try appreciating the house work and kind things they do.  For one week I challenge you to only give positive feed back, don't nag for seven days, just try it.   I should have appreciated all the multitude of amazing things that Mr. TooGood did all the time instead of honing in on the little things that for some reason drove me mad.  I should have appreciated the moment where I said "Maybe I can ask the neighbour to use his bbq for steaks and give him some money for propane." To which Mr. TooGood piped up and said "Why don't I just get a bbq" and a few moments of Craiglist hunting later we had one.   He actually told me that everyday he thought of ways to make me happy, whilst I was struggling everyday of ways NOT to become codependent and assert my individualism (not a good mix).  Everyday with him had good moments but I was too foolish to appreciate it, so now I have a new perspective on how to make relationships work, and this is one I am looking forward to trying out when I meet someone new.  Because, while of course I learned a lot from Mr. TooGood there is not going back now, the damage is done.

"It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.

Oh whoa
Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all."
-Lady Antebellum

3) Compromise.  One thing that you MUST realize is once you have united with someone it is NO LONGER ALL ABOUT YOU.  It is now about two! Blasphemy! (Just kidding!) It is a very hard transition (I should point out previous to this last year my Mr. X worked in camp so I was alone the majority of time - but these are just my excuses for being selfish, aren't they?)  If you are like me, you will not recognize the areas of where you should have compromised until it is too late.  You will brainstorm like mad in the aftermath of your broken heart because you took your someone special for granted, but mostly because you really did not try.  You will remember when he mentioned not really liking dishes but instead of hearing that you just carried on because you thought not doing dishes meant that he would not help out around the house, doing dishes is part of that right?? Sort of.  But,  now if you could you would negotiate a cleaning schedule that made you both happy let's say I would do the dishes and he could clean the shower as an example. You will remember all the small thoughtless times that you, yourself, were not listening and continued to act selfishly and realize that you did not compromise when you should have.  I am asking you if you are reading this on the verge of a break up but not totally sure to try these three steps, and on this step think of all the times you did not compromise and if you should have, DO IT NOW.  Do it before it is too late and you are mind riddled with the millions of ways you could have been a better partner, a partner actually present in your relationship instead of acting out of selfishness and fear.  Giving a little power, giving a little of your life, just giving a little piece of yourself I promise is not going to lead to you becoming a codependent mess.  TRUST.  It is a hard lesson to learn but one worth learning before it is too late.  I am not saying do everything because your partner hates all house work (remember we are all not doormats! But I am staying if your partner HATES dishes and you HATE cleaning the shower work something out, give a little bit).

"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
Well I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now."
-Lady Antebellum

I thought I knew what I wanted until I woke up the next morning alone and realized that I had made a mistake. Of course, I had to lose Mr. TooGood to realize that I was the problem.  And, as much as he tried and tried to make things work I did not.  So, of course I lost him.  Because you can only treat people poorly and push them away for so long before they pack up and leave.  BUT! With each end is a NEW BEGINNING! And, yes of course realizing you failed to make things work with someone is hard, and painful, and makes you listen to cheesy love ballads which eating all the contents of your cupboards relating to the lyrics....but! One morning you wake up and realize a) you are being a bit dramatic...and b) you are actually totally fine.  While absolutely I should and will take these three lessons into my next dating endeavours Mr. TooGood and I were clearly not meant to be.  One day you wake up and you realize that we all make mistakes and sometimes we just give up where we should have tried, but that is life.  And, in retrospect this life of mine is pretty amazing.  Until next week! Thanks for reading! XO