Break Up Revelations or Perhaps Just Break Up Remorse....

"Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time."
-Lady Antebellum

This week I am using this blog as a public apology.  Mostly because Mr. TooGood stopped speaking to me completely and there are some things that I want to say.  So here goes (for the record I am not overly good at apologies or admitting my faults so keep that in mind).  I thought that I wanted my single life, because for the last year that is all I have known.  And, the truth of the matter is that crumbs on the counter and clothes on the floor are really insignificant when they are part of coming home to someone.  But, you truly have to lose someone to realize that don't you? And, that old saying "Chose your battles" really resonates once you realize that you made battles out of what should have been mild discussions.  I did this out of fear.  Fear of letting someone in, fear of someone changing my world, fear of losing something great, but, while trying to maintain what I thought was great I also lost something amazing.  I felt like every discussion was not heard, and, I forgot that in the beginning you learn what works and what doesn't.  NOT try and impose what works for you.  And I had forgotten this valuable lesson because I:
1) had been in a long term relationship of over three years before and;
2) I have been single for over a year.
So I saw every difference of opinion as loss of control and loss of control as a bad thing, but what I realize now is that relationships are about compromise. They are about learning what works, and what doesn't and when you are at your wits end not to lose control because you think no one is listening but instead re-calibrate yourself to find out what can work.  In my ignorance I lost someone truly special to me (we can say once again) I was so stuck on the idea that it would not work that I never gave it a chance and for this I am sorry.  I was also so stuck on the idea that my life was so good that I was blind to see that it could have been better.  And, I was so busy reminding myself of all the annoying little things that drove me crazy, I forgot to acknowledge all the daily things that made me actually made me pretty crazy about him.  So out of my recognition I would like to share with you three things that break ups teach us in the hopes that if you are on the verge of one you can fix things:

"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now."
-Lady Antebellum

1) Communication.  Here is what we all need to realize is that this is not always going to be easy. (In fact it is actually going to be really f*cking hard sometimes) In particular when you are just getting to know one another.  Everyone has a way of remembering things, and some people prefer discussions to be in person or by phone, some people prefer writing down how they feel (I am clearly the latter!).  We are all different and we are all trying to figure out what works and this can be EXTREMELY frustrating! It can often feel like someone does not care, it can often feel like they are never listening, so when this happens instead of accusing your partner of not listening I suggest you reevaluate what is actually happening.  Are you texting your lover when he has a million things going on (and his boss is breathing down his neck) to ask him to bring home milk after work?  Chances are he is not taking in that request.  But, life can be this stressful too, perhaps you are asking him to pick up dog food the next day but he is lost in a day dream about a conversation he had with his coworker earlier that day which could have gone better.  Because, life distracts us, life takes us places and it also creates the way in which we perceive what is going on around us.  Communication is key to every relationship.  So I have heard this a million times "I have to get mad or you don't get it" and never fully understood this mentality until recently when I found myself thinking it.  And, I should be ashamed, because those words literally mean I wanted someone to feel negative emotions in order to take in my opinion.  Selfish and cruel all in one move.  Instead of recognizing this in myself I placed blame on Mr. TooGood believing if he was just listening I would not get so upset.  Communication is definitely a two way street but I was not allowing for myself to be faulted, I was not acknowledging that my mode of communication was not healthy, and also that there are a million different ways to deal with communication. I am telling you,  if you feel like you are solely right and that your partner is just hell bent on not listening than YOU ARE WRONG.  Your partner is actually trying their best and frankly staying with you even though you are being a complete b*tch which should speak to their level of affection for you.  Feel happy that you have someone who is willing to put up with your sh*t, and begin to search for better ways to express yourself and be heard.  Nagging, anger, and malicious content are never the answer.  Don't lose your lover because you were too stubborn to find this answer, trust me the aftermath of loss is a lot worse than the aftermath of admitting you were wrong and finding a better way together, I am sure of it.  BUT! Keep in mind I am NEVER telling you to sacrifice what you are trying to stay.  Keep your opinions and stand your ground always (don't become some door mat with no opinions! Just try and find a way to make those opinions heard).

"Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind?
For me it happens all the time."
-Lady Antebellum

2) Appreciate the good times.  So things hit a bad spot and all of a sudden all you can see is the negative. So, you pile all the bad things together to fabricate on hell of a good reason to focus on the negative. But, there a million and one reasons why you care about the person you are with and why you are falling for them right?   I will critique myself here in that I thought I was doing it right appreciating once in a while but I was also being pretty demanding most of the time.   I thought that being assertive would create respect. What I did not realize is that positive comments are far more productive than negative nagging, shame on me.  What I should have done and you should do is instead of reminding about crumbs, facial trimmings, toilet seats, and laundry maintenance, is try appreciating the house work and kind things they do.  For one week I challenge you to only give positive feed back, don't nag for seven days, just try it.   I should have appreciated all the multitude of amazing things that Mr. TooGood did all the time instead of honing in on the little things that for some reason drove me mad.  I should have appreciated the moment where I said "Maybe I can ask the neighbour to use his bbq for steaks and give him some money for propane." To which Mr. TooGood piped up and said "Why don't I just get a bbq" and a few moments of Craiglist hunting later we had one.   He actually told me that everyday he thought of ways to make me happy, whilst I was struggling everyday of ways NOT to become codependent and assert my individualism (not a good mix).  Everyday with him had good moments but I was too foolish to appreciate it, so now I have a new perspective on how to make relationships work, and this is one I am looking forward to trying out when I meet someone new.  Because, while of course I learned a lot from Mr. TooGood there is not going back now, the damage is done.

"It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
Said I wouldn't call but I've lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now.

Oh whoa
Yes I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all."
-Lady Antebellum

3) Compromise.  One thing that you MUST realize is once you have united with someone it is NO LONGER ALL ABOUT YOU.  It is now about two! Blasphemy! (Just kidding!) It is a very hard transition (I should point out previous to this last year my Mr. X worked in camp so I was alone the majority of time - but these are just my excuses for being selfish, aren't they?)  If you are like me, you will not recognize the areas of where you should have compromised until it is too late.  You will brainstorm like mad in the aftermath of your broken heart because you took your someone special for granted, but mostly because you really did not try.  You will remember when he mentioned not really liking dishes but instead of hearing that you just carried on because you thought not doing dishes meant that he would not help out around the house, doing dishes is part of that right?? Sort of.  But,  now if you could you would negotiate a cleaning schedule that made you both happy let's say I would do the dishes and he could clean the shower as an example. You will remember all the small thoughtless times that you, yourself, were not listening and continued to act selfishly and realize that you did not compromise when you should have.  I am asking you if you are reading this on the verge of a break up but not totally sure to try these three steps, and on this step think of all the times you did not compromise and if you should have, DO IT NOW.  Do it before it is too late and you are mind riddled with the millions of ways you could have been a better partner, a partner actually present in your relationship instead of acting out of selfishness and fear.  Giving a little power, giving a little of your life, just giving a little piece of yourself I promise is not going to lead to you becoming a codependent mess.  TRUST.  It is a hard lesson to learn but one worth learning before it is too late.  I am not saying do everything because your partner hates all house work (remember we are all not doormats! But I am staying if your partner HATES dishes and you HATE cleaning the shower work something out, give a little bit).

"It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
Well I don't know how I can do without.
I just need you now
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now."
-Lady Antebellum

I thought I knew what I wanted until I woke up the next morning alone and realized that I had made a mistake. Of course, I had to lose Mr. TooGood to realize that I was the problem.  And, as much as he tried and tried to make things work I did not.  So, of course I lost him.  Because you can only treat people poorly and push them away for so long before they pack up and leave.  BUT! With each end is a NEW BEGINNING! And, yes of course realizing you failed to make things work with someone is hard, and painful, and makes you listen to cheesy love ballads which eating all the contents of your cupboards relating to the lyrics....but! One morning you wake up and realize a) you are being a bit dramatic...and b) you are actually totally fine.  While absolutely I should and will take these three lessons into my next dating endeavours Mr. TooGood and I were clearly not meant to be.  One day you wake up and you realize that we all make mistakes and sometimes we just give up where we should have tried, but that is life.  And, in retrospect this life of mine is pretty amazing.  Until next week! Thanks for reading! XO