Love Stinks

"Until this moment, I had not realized that someone could break your heart twice, along the very same fault lines.” 
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister's Keeper

So I am dealing with a, in retrospect minor broken heart (not as major as last year) and I guess the best thing to do is talk about it here we go.  Last week Mr. Tattoo was a bit odd to me so out of curiosity I checked the Facebook page of the woman he originally strayed on me with and there was her status bold as day bragging about rocking his world.  Ouch.  To add insult to injury she later posted something about soul mates so for my own sanity I blocked her.  But, that is not all, he and I talked and agreed to stay together which is the most demeaning and bizarre thing to do, but then he changed his mind and in the end he broke up with me in a vague text that said he needed to take a few days to think, which in reality actually means I am just going to say I am thinking and never talk to you again.  It is actually not so much the infidelity nor the "you're possibly or possibly not dumped" text, but more so the fact when all was texted and done he full on ignored me.  Once again I have stooped to a catagory of man does not even deem me or our relationship worth a two minute conversation of "Hey, thanks for the good times but I am not interested."   (At this point in time I would like to acknowledge that my inner lunachick came out and sent a series of attacks via text message, but with all things considered I think that he got off lightly). So, I am at this point where I have not only been cheated on but I was also the one who got dumped in most careless way possible, (next to being Facebook dumped that is) double whammy my friends.  But, it got me to thinking of all the crazy things we do in the name of what we think might be love and I decided this week to blog about the three crazy things that my girlfriends and I have done in order to try and stop getting dumped.

“The only thing a boyfriend was good for was a shattered heart.” 
― Becca Fitzpatrick, Crescendo

1)     You become a master negotiator...of your own standards.  Have you ever been passionately involved in a discussion and your partner suddenly throws in the towel and immediately you feel a rush of despair?  Well, you are not alone.  Suddenly you realize you are really not sure why you were arguing because it was not to end things!  So, in your moment of complete desperation you agree to outlandish and let’s face it disrespectful things.  The following are examples from my girlfriends and I and our experiences:  You find him in bed with another the women the morning after and when he explains he wants to be with other people you agree, or you find that he is texting his ex all the time and telling her he loves and misses her and somehow at the end of the argument you are the one apologizing for looking at his phone and agreeing to respect his privacy, or you find that he is suggesting a new relationship with another woman and waiting for her response and somehow you agree you will wait to see if he leaves you or stays.  WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?!?  Are we so desperate for love that we throw our dignity under the bus?  Are we so starved for love that we sell ourselves regardless of the costs to our self worth?  I hope not!  I have been this desperate, love crazed woman more often than I would like to admit and basically I find that we wheel some kind of knowledge like “Well he fills my soul most of the time so I don’t mind the bad parts”  This mentality is bonkers!  Instead why don't you find someone that fills your soul with love and happiness all the time and doesn’t try and trick you into lunatic compromises that are actually complete douchery.  When Mr. X and I ended I actually attempted to say that I would move to Vancouver and build my career but still go to small town a 4 hour commute on the weekends to keep up the acerage, WTF? I totally would not do this ludicrous action in reality but there was just a moment of complete desperation that I thought this would be a great compromise and make him stay, while also exhausting me and making me miserable. The amazing thing is you can often tell your girlfriends the ridiculous things you are doing and they at first will completely fly off the handles, they tell you you are worth so much more,  but in the end they all say the same thing that they love you and support you no matter what so of course you carry on pretending that you are as sane as could be in your complete lunachick manner.

“I was blind and heart broken and didn't want to do anything and Gus burst into my room and shouted, "I have wonderful news!" And I was like, "I don't really want to hear wonderful news right now," and Gus said, "This is wonderful news you want to hear," and I asked him, "Fine, what is it?" and he said, "You are going to live a good and long life filled with great and terrible moments that you cannot even imagine yet!” 
― John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

2)     Beggars can’t be choosers.  Somehow in your emotional state you become so weak that you have become desperate.  So desperate in fact that when he goes to walk out the door or tells you it’s over you beg.  You say things like “Please don’t do this” and what not in your most desperate of voices I am sure.  The thing that makes it begging is you may say it repeatedly until they finally give in or think you are mad as a hatter and walk away.  Both options are possible.  Now, I understand that people beg for food, spare change, smokes, etc but for love?  Why must we beg the person we love to be with us? That is crazy.  The person you love should want to be with you just as you (rather desperately apparently) want to be with them.  Begging should not be part of the equation.  But, in our delirious state of complete and utter heart ache we realize we must stop them from ending things and this is apparently in our nature.  Hopefully for you he will continue to walk right on past you, you mad woman, as this type of relationship can go totally sideways quickly! Also, begging gives complete control to your partner and degrades you.  The thing is beggars can actually be choosers of one thing, that is not to beg! So, pick up your self esteem, respect, etc and move on I say!  I also admit to being this insane person as well, wallowing in the despair of pain and loss and just begging for that one more chance to make the mistake we are fighting over again, like Tom Petty says “Round, and round and round we go”

“This time I wouldn't forget him, because I couldn't ever forgive him - for breaking my heart twice.” 
― James Patterson, Sundays at Tiffany's

3)     We play games.  Is it weird that we start off our relationships playing useless games and then somehow we end them the same way?  Once again two wrongs always make a right...nope!  For example oh he cheated on you did he? THE NERVE!  You are just going to go right ahead and cheat on him right back! That’ll show him.  The only thing this kind of reaction shows anyone is that you are spiteful.  Also, that you are selling your body for some kind of revenge that is just strange.  Have sex because you want to have sex, it is after all pretty amazing so why would you start to do it for all the wrong reasons?  Or you see that he is texting women from work so you start to text random men.  Or perhaps he sees that your picture is just a little too sexy on Facebook, so then he comments and hides his relationnship status, or whatever crazy games you have started to do because you want to hurt one another is not a good idea.  Once again why do you want to hurt someone?   In particular why do you want to hurt someone you supposedly love? Okay, I know why it is because you are really hurt and in pain and want to lash out.  Like the wounded tiger you want to bite and scratch someone’s eyes out.  I understand, but what I want to tell you is that this reaction will only hurt you even more.  You will only feel good when you have not done all the wrong that you can do.  You will only feel respect with dignity when you have not stooped to a new low to get one back at someone you clearly still care about.  Just quit playing games and accepts the fact that something shitty happened to you, you are in pain, but wounds heal and so will you.  I promise.

And then,  I had a moment of complete sane clarity! I realized that I am worth being with someone (or even better not with anyone) who is actually not a total douche, and that clearly Mr. Tattoo would never fit into this standard.  I compressed all my positive thoughts about myself into one realization that the best woman did win, and it was me.  And, the prize was not some short, premature balding wanker, no, not at all.  The prize was actually freedom from such a creature! Freedom to enjoy life and meet new amazing people and freedom to realize how much better this life is without him in it.  Freedom to excel at my career and train and focus on all the things in my life that are positive and amazing.  Truth be told I had a lot of anxiety that Mr. Tattoo would lessen my quality of life given some of his less admirable qualities and addictions, but I was blinded by hope that affection would be enough which was incredibly foolish!  Love is never enough, but it is a really good start to build something amazing only if the two of you are smart enough to realize it! Well here we are once again back at square one, with new felt optimism and clarity!  See the positive side of a broken heart is that when it heals it brings with it new knowledge and often new direction.  Thanks for reading! XO 

5 Things NOT To Say Post Breakup

“The Young Man came to the Old Man seeking counsel.
I broke something, Old Man.
How badly is it broken?
It's in a million little pieces.
I'm afraid I can't help you.
Why?
There's nothing you can do.
Why?
It can't be fixed.
Why?
It's broken beyond repair. It's in a million little pieces.” 
― James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

So you can probably guess from the theme of this week’s post that Mr. Tattoo and I hit a major bump in our relationship road.  And, by bump I mean it may possibly be over as soon as it began.  However, heart ache puts me in a mood where I do not much feel like writing about myself.  So instead I have chosen to write the top five things not to say to someone who has just been dumped:

1)     You will meet someone amazing? Ohhhhh that is super awesome! (in my SUPER sarcastic voice).  When your heart has been torn by someone you truly feel is amazing you certainly do not want to hear you might meet someone who will do the same thing!  You also are probably just trying to make it through the day without doing lunatic things like fight for your past amazing person with lunachick texting, or cry in the bathroom stall at work.  SO! Pulling yourself together is actually your main focus.  The mere thought of actually trying to organize yourself enough to attract a man is a frightening concept.  In particular because isn’t that exactly how you got into this mess?  Yes, so instead of attempting to pick up your friend’s spirits by suggesting she will meet someone awesome, try telling her that her life is amazing not that she will find someone who might somehow better it. 

“More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to be close to someone.
More than anything, all I have ever wanted is to feel as if i wasn't alone.” 
― James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

2)     You are so much better than him.  Seriously?  That really does not matter, nor may it be true but somehow friends always say this in a break up.  Also, I am not really sure why friends do this post break up instead of pre-relationship! Here is a classic example I dated a guy in C town for about eight months, when things ended Ms. M was trying to lighten my spirits and she told me “You are way better looking than him anyways” This peaked my interest so I asked her if she would explain and these were her exact words “Well you are in the major leagues and let’s just say he is trying out for little league” astonishing that she felt this way for almost a year and never told me.  So, it is wonderful that you want to tell your friends how much better they are then their exes but that just makes them feel like now not only have been they dumped BUT they have apparently been dumped by a non attractive looser.  Which means that they were dating a non attractive looser which really is not a positive realization!  So instead of saying you are so much better, try saying your life will be so much better!  Thanks!

“I think of how and why and what happened and the thoughts come easily, but the answers don't.” 
― James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

3)     Now you have more time for you.  Obviously.  I was not dating someone to have more time for me.  I was dating someone because I wanted to have more time with someone else!  Yes having more time for yourself is awesome don’t get me wrong, and with all the volunteering, running and working I do I could always use and appreciate more of it.  But, that is beside the point.  This statement rings with now you will have more time to sit and stew about all the things that you really don’t want to stew about because you have more time alone to think.  Amazing...not.  Instead of saying this try saying, now you have time to do __________ (enter in a future goal here) for example.  Now you have more time to train for your upcoming marathon, or trip, etc.  Do not indicate how now the person who is broken is now going to be alone more, because that thought is not comforting.

“That was beautiful.
She is holding my hand.
No, it wasn't.
If she let go, I would fall apart.
It was. It was beautiful because it was honest and it was beautiful because it hurt and it was beautiful because you didn't have to tell it to me. 
Fall apart.
It makes me feel like shit.” 
― James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

4)     He will totally come back to you. YIKES!!  I know this statement is well intended.  It is like a “Girl! You are so amazing he is going to realize it and want to be with you!” but it comes across as “Right when you have your shit together he will come and curb stomp your heart again.”  No thanks.  At the point of picking up the pieces of your broken heart you certainly do not want to think the guy who put it in that state is going to walk up behind you and knock the pieces right out of your shaky little hands.  Break ups are not times of strength!  They definitely make you stronger, but at the breaking point you are weak, emotional, quasi crazy, often intoxicated, etc.  You are not strong enough to think of your ex coming back and winning you over.  (Also, this life is not a movie! Men don’t come crawling back with grandeur gestures of romance! Get real).  In fact the thought of him coming back and mending your breaks is comforting until that swoon of pain reminds you and then you will feel like this again.  But, the second time you will have no one to blame but yourself, so on top of your pain you will also have the nagging reminder that you are sort of an idiot.  Instead of saying this statement try saying things will get better.  Hearing things will get better is always welcome.

“Be smart, be strong, be proud, live honorably and with dignity, and just hold on.” 
― James Frey, A Million Little Pieces

5)     You should go out and hook up with some hot guy.  This in theory sounds like a great idea and I am not claiming I have never done this in the past.  However, at 31 years old the art of the post-break-up-hook-up is actually a bit of a disaster! Why?  Because you my friend with your insecure emotions and messy mental state are really in no condition to (most likely in an alcohol induced state) have a one night stand.  Yes please add rejection to my rejection, or disgust in myself to my rejection or loss of respect, etc.  The politics of the post one night stand are intended for those with healthy self esteem in a good mind frame, not lunachicks in the middle of break down.  See after a break up you are really needing emotional support, so look for it in all the right places! Not between the sheets at some frat party.  After Mr. X and I broke up I spent a week with a 21 year old, only to realize that a) I really have nothing in common with 21 year olds (in particular 21 year old boys) b) I am old, well okay I am not OLD but I felt old because I wanted to go to bed at a regular time and not do keg stands at 4 am and c) 21 year old boys (while a LOT of fun and a GREAT distraction!) are not sure what they are thinking and do not really have solid personalities.  So all a one night stand is a moment’s distraction (which can be an amazing relief from feeling shitty) but they are really just adding insult to injury.  Instead of saying this statement try saying let’s go try this new restaurant, or go to the beach, or have a spa day suggest something that rejuvenate the soul not something that degrades it.

There you have it my lovelies!  While all these statements are of course well intended they actually are the hardest to hear right off the bat.  So try these new alternatives.  I am not sure what I am thinking or how I am doing so I will spare you the details of my uncertain situation for another day.  But, as always send your positive thoughts my way! A girl can always use them. XO 

All images are beaches because I love beaches and are from the following site: 

http://www.google.ca/imgres?imgurl=http://www.australia.com/contentimages/about-australias-landscapes-coastal-australian-beaches.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.australia.com/about/australias-landscapes/australian-beaches.aspx&h=1080&w=1920&sz=1397&tbnid=O9EJNv1ClYJbJM:&tbnh=90&tbnw=160&zoom=1&usg=__ZgEdzxbPnkmOiNQ6q8-smD4Qc6s=&docid=hAWLGeYnsAZYPM&sa=X&ei=uAPwUfmGOKGcjAL8-IGIAQ&ved=0CDUQ9QEwAg&dur=405

Long Distance: The Way to Be!

“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.” – St. Augustine

So where to begin with my travels and how to tie it all in to a relationship theme in the end?  It is a difficult conquest but here we go! I flew out of the wonderful west coast city of Vancouver on Thursday and into the heart of the flat lands, I had some vodka to calm my nerves about the flight and seeing Mr. Tattoo, I am not sure if I told you the detail that prior to this moment we had not seen each other in seven years.  So happily buzzed I disembarked the plane to see him standing there with a big sign welcoming me.  If it is actually humanly possible for your heart to skip a beat that is what mine did at seeing him.  So off we went driving to Boonstock Music Festival but we stayed over night in Edmonton, between dusk to dawn there was a rather unfriendly encounter with the police about insurance and bill of sales, a costly impound fee, a costly towing fee, but finally Friday afternoon we were on our way to Boonstock.  Boonstock was seriously an epic time mainly because we instantly bonded with our neighbours.  The Fort Mac Girls and we spent the next three days as a hot mess of festival adventures and each day I felt myself falling a little more and more into wanting to be with Mr. Tattoo.  There is just something about a man that can make you laugh isn’t there?  At the end of our adventures I flew back to Vancouver not sure of what to think about all things weekend related, but with new friends made and great memories I was not that worried about it.

“The use of traveling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are.” – Samuel Johnson

Two days later I flew to sunny California! I am typing this with a huge smile on my face because California, you sexy beast, you stole my heart.

Day One: Ms. A and I arrived fairly late so we just checked into our gorgeous hotel room, after quiet the debacle trying to find each other at the airport!  Apparently LAX is huge and the two of us just thought we would find each other randomly, after driving around ordering the poor Peruvian driver to do another circle as I racked up my roaming minutes attempting to find Ms. A we were all found and on our way to paradise.

Day Two: we woke up every morning and did the same thing.  Breakfast at the rooftop restaurant the West and then a quick dip in the pool before heading out to conquer LA.  It appears as though the people of LA do not really walk anywhere and they were amazed when we wanted to walk to Santa Monica Pier.  We were instructed by several hotel staff it would be at least two miles, which we were fine with.  Until we had been walking for over an hour and a Santa Monica resident told us we still had about two miles to go.  This actually became a running joke the rest of our trip as we heard this from several other people in Malibu.  Apparently all things are relative to two miles in California.  Anyways, we hit up the gorgeous beaches of Santa Monica!! We sipped mojitos at the end of the pier we took in the sexy sites of Muscle Beach, there is one thing to be said about California, the people are stunning! They are all fit and delicious, I promise you will not be disappointed in the California eye candy! We were invited to party in a beach house on the Santa Monica Beach, and lastly we hit up Rodeo drive in the evening.  It was an amazing day.

Day Three: After breakfast and the pool we decided day two should be a mix of culture and hype! So we headed to the Getty.  I am going to tell you the Getty is free on Fridays and has it’s own tram system.  It is incredible, the monstrous stone building towers over you surrounded by rich beautiful statues to remind you that you can still be struck by the commitment to preserving the arts.  Inside I got to see a Van Gogh so my life is one step closer to completing my bucket list.  After the culture we took in and loved we headed to HOLLYWOOD! Down the walk of fame and the Hollywood sign and all that jazz, it was fun, but also the oddest thing happened these two men started chatting us up.  They were not the type of men we were welcoming to but the light was red, one of them offered me a wrapped burrito which he produced from his pocket and asked if I wanted to share a burrito.  Of course we said no and hurried away as soon as the light turned green.  LA is not a pedestrian friendly place after all. Hollywood was nice but we soon returned to the beautiful scenery of our home base.

Day Four:  Off we went to see the infamous Venice Beach.  I have to be honest with you beyond the tattoo parlors on every block, funky shops and amazing artists Venice Beach area was the dirtiest area we saw and often had sort of a urine scent.  But, the people are still very pretty and the eccentric atmosphere is a must if you are in the area.  We missed seeing historical Venice which apparently has canals running through with boats just like in Italy.  After Venice we experienced Malibu.  To be honest Malibu is really a gorgeous beach surrounded by multi million dollar estates.  We wandered down the beach and I wandered right onto a jelly fish.  Let me explain the agony of a jelly sting.  It is a searing pain that feels much stronger than stinging nettles.  It is the worst feeling, it is in my top five most painful sensations in life actually.  Contemplating having Ms. A or someone else urinate on me I decided to walk it off.  As I envisioned how classy we would look peeing on one another among the gorgeous beach mansions and their inhabitants.  Returning to Santa Monica with Ms. A sunburnt to a crisp, me burnt by a sea creature, both of us exhausted and slightly disheartened by our hour long crowded bus ride we did what most women in our condition would do.  We drank.  We went into a small pub in Santa Monica and mixed it up with some local frat boys, they were too young and too drunk to keep our attention for long so we lingered at a small British pub chatting with a British man that was more than easy on the eyes until we stumbled along to Cabo Cantina but became seriously disinterested in waiting in the enormous line.  Luckily, a gorgeous Brazilian distracted us his way and we met an amazing group of people to say good bye to California with.  One of the worst days completely turned around into one of the funnest nights of my life! California, and our new friends of Santa Monica I thank you!

“A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.” – John Steinbeck

While on my trip I had a lot of time to think about Mr. Tattoo and I, I actually got him a little present in Hollywood, drumsticks from the Hard Rock cafe (all rockstars should have Hollywood gear right?  He is a talented drummer after all.)  But, what I started to think is can things really work between two people in two different places and I realised the following rad reasons why long distance rocks my world:

1)     You are pretty much still single.  Okay so it is your own prerogative and your own agreement with you and your lover if you can sleep around and what not that is not what I mean.  Every person has their own regulations and ideas of what they want from their own agreement, it takes all kinds of people and relationships to make this world go round, each one of them the right one for the individuals in it. What I mean is you enjoy your single life status the majority of the time!  I wake up sprawled out in my comfy bed, duvet all around me, ten pillows in the mix loving life.  I can eat cake for breakfast, I can do whatever I want.  Of course you can still do whatever you want with your partner if you found the right one but sharing is always part of the equation.   When you become a one in the equation of two sharing is unavoidable.  But, in the long distance equation the sharing is minimal.  In fact, you can go out dancing all night, or whatever you like to do when you are single and no one is waiting for you at home because they are way over somewhere in their own home!  Life is grand! Because your still pretty much single and as I have said millions of times that is the life for me.

2)     You have someone too! That is right as much as long distance allows you the freedom of the single life it also allows you the comfort of relationship status.  Oooohhhh, now you can fit into both worlds, just look at you go!  So you get to throw around words like boyfriend, and love, and whatever you want.  You can now officially change your Facebook relationship status and in most scenarios enter the elite world of coupledom, welcome to how the other side lives.  Also, you miss someone special to you and that feels good.  You have found someone worth waiting the distance and time with and that is a very special bond that not everyone tries, congratulations!  You have someone who picks you up with compliments on your bad days and finds you just as endearing as you find them! This is also an awesome feeling!  Long distant relationships? Yes please!

3)     You don’t see each other very often so while you yearn for them some days you also get super pumped to see them! Remember when you were a child and you tossed and turn on Christmas Eve?  Well welcome back to butterflies!  You just can’t wait to see them at the airport and kiss them because it has been ages.  You just can not wait to show them all the new things you have discovered in their absence.  And, of course while they are away you brain storm sexy surprises for them and send them to them in anticipation that they love your little kinky spirit.  All these wonderful emotions and adventures make long distance relationships the best! You never get tired of seeing each other because it is usually only a week or so and then they are gone again so you treasure every second! This really helps in the fact that you most likely will not waste that precious time fighting! It is perfection. 

“For my part, I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move.” – Robert Louis Stevenson

The problem is we get so swept up in our personal sea of thoughts that we forget to enjoy the moment.  We forget to just take in that first kiss, or when someone tells us we are beautiful because our mind wanders off into the land of right doing and wrong doing, in the sense of past transgressions and the fear of future issues.  But, if we could just take a moment and freeze our brains.  If we could just disconnect from the past and not fret about the future and truly experience a moment how incredible would that moment feel?  That is falling in love of course to a T.  You no longer worry about anything, you smile when you read their text, you believe their words even if they are fabrications because they fill your soul with light.  See I have been so caught up in the past and other people’s words about Mr. Tattoo that I had forgotten how he actually makes me feel until recently.  (This is unavoidable if you have a sorted past with someone unfortunately)  That is when I decided that he is one of my ones worth suffering for.  If he breaks my heart than so be it, but he also makes me smile everyday, he tells me I am beautiful, and at the end of the day I am happy and that is what really matters.  So let go of what you think you know and let your heart decide, you never know it might just take you exactly where you need to be.  

Your Ex and You.

"Wise men say only fools rush in" 
-Elvis

Truth be told blog inspiration comes from so many places.  Sometimes an idea comes from a follower, a reader, a friend, a stranger that plants a seed that grows into a full blog.  This week is one of the moments.  I received a message from a friend of mine, we will call her Ms. DownUnder. She sent me a message in regards to her Mr and Mrs. X.  Her message was so baffling to me that I have decided to share the ordeal of what she told me about them.  Her Mr and Mrs. X have moved in together, have matching tattoos with one another, and my personal favorite, have a dog which they named an amalgamation of their two names after three short months of dating.  I must tell you this situation just makes me shake my head and laugh! According to the numerous articles that I sifted through this week the first three months of dating is really the time that men and women take to decide if they want to become exclusive.  It is typically at the three month mark that they will decide if they want to be exclusive.  This means that Ms. DownUnder’s Mr and Mrs. X are pretty much travelling at the speed of light in regards to their relationship.  And, as all articles and most intelligent people know: “Rushing may lead to a broken heart.It takes time to build a healthy relationship, when you rush into something, you might as well rush out of it. “[1]  Ms. Down Under and I have this in common of our Mr. Xs.  I just want to take a moment and address how ludicrous it is that they have matching tattoos.  Take if from me, I have had a tattoo lasered off, and while it is not really enjoyable, it is not so terrible either.  So while this simply insane act may seem oh so romantic in its permanent suggestion, I am telling you it is actually not.  In a day in age where anything can be removed and covered up matching tattoos are not only cheesy but they can be short lived.  And, lastly unless you are a mass media outlet you should never amalgamate your name with anyone else, unless of course it is your business partner and you are opening a new business.  Amalgamating your names together for using to name something is first of all hilarious! Everyone I told about this literally laughed out loud and secondly is pretty much the most unoriginal action you can have, wow, you two bought something together and instead of brainstorming a new nice name you amazingly put your two names together...sigh...where has creativity gone.  You must realize if you have done this your creativity has come from tabloids.  While buying a dog together may also seem like a huge leap of faith, this is also not.  My dog has lived through three major break ups with me and he is none the wiser.  The truth is people buy, sell and trade dogs like they are merchandise in this day and age.  I would say about one third of my adult friends still have their original cat, dog, etc that they got with an ex, more often than not they have sold them on Craigslist or given them to friends, but more frequently family get them.  So while in a perfect world I would like to believe that getting a dog together shows great attachment it is really just another frivolous attempt to declare to society that you are together, because, well just look at the dog you share.  

"Before marriage, many couples are very much like people rushing to catch an airplane; once aboard, they turn into passengers. They just sit there."
-Paul Getty

The truth of the matter is, those that rush in usually do it for the wrong reasons.  During your first three months, of course you feel like you are falling in love.  Hello, it is called the honey moon period for a reason.  Everything is sunshine and lollipops.  You have never fallen so hard, so fast, so gloriously in love before!  Ya right! Give your head a shake.  Everything is perfect because you really do not know your partner at all.  But, you are all filled with puppy dog love so you move in together, and do outrageous acts of what you call love like being inked and buying a dog because you feel like you should shout your love from the rooftops, even though you probably should not, as when shit hits the fan, well guess what you have to shout your break up from the rooftops too. And what are we rushing for?  Is it that we secretly know this feeling will not last so we must rush before the love wears off?  All rushing does is add to the pressure people often feel that you now have to stay with your partner.  How can you love your partner unconditionally and forever when you are really strangers to one another?  You can’t, in fact you don’t.  You are in love with the idea of your flawless, perfect soul mate, not actually the person that you are with.  But, of course that does not mean that Ms. DownUnder and myself are not miffed by watching our Mr and Mrs Xs.  Of course you get a little rage brewing in your subcocles when you see your exes act the exact same way they did with you! That is normal.  It does not actually mean that you are strange for having some twing of emotion post break up.  The following are three reasons why seeing your Mr. X happy and rushing into love makes you feel strange:

1)     You feel replaceable.  Do you ever look at your Mr and Mrs. X and feel like you are looking into an alternate universe?  A universe where someone slightly more attractive and younger is living in your old house, sleeping in your old bed, and doing all the things you use to do? If you have ever felt this way I am here to tell you that you are not alone. When Ms. K got divorced her Mr. X somehow talked her into moving into her parents small basement room with their baby as he stayed in their big beautiful home, that did not last long.  Ms. M recently called  me upset that her douchy Mr. X had replaced her in a week, her exact words were "I just did not know I would be so easily replaced." Ouch.  But most women I know have experienced this level of parallel universe feeling.  This feeling comes when you are the one who has to change your life post break up, that is because your Mr. X has not changed his life and so is actually still living the same life you left.   True story.  And, yes this means that his new love is doing the same things the two of you use to do.  Yes, he is calling her the same pet names he had for you “Babe, Gorgeous, Dream Girl, etc” because that is just what he has always done.  This should not make you feel like you are replaceable but what you need to realize is he did mean those things when he said them to you.  It just means that he is not original, he uses what he has become comfortable with and so while he whispers the same sweet nothings in someone else’s ear do not let it take away from you own sense of value.  You are actually not replaceable, you and your Mrs. X are world’s apart in similarities, no snowflake is the same, and neither are women.  You will never be replaced by a stick insect with no personality, you are too good for that.  Think of it this way, you built the mold for that life, you were the pioneer, they are living in a reminiscence of what you created, and the life you are creating now is better than any shell of someone else’s life in my books.

"Don't you ever for a second get to thinking your irreplacable"
-Beyonce

2)     He is awfully rude! Yes, this happens with breakups.  One day your man is claiming his love from the roof tops, and the next he cannot bear the site of you.  Sigh.  Bittersweet.  I am not sure what happens to men post break up that make them heartless but it just happens.  Sorry guys, this I have found to be a universal truth.  Ms. DownUnder expressed that while her Mr and Mrs X were gallivanting around expressing their profound love for one another he forgot to remove her name from the lease, making her liable for back rent.  Which would make anyone uneasy.  My Mr. X refused to drop off a box of items while driving through the city I live in (I literally live two minutes off the main route he was on)  So why is it that post break up your Mr. X comes across as a real bastard?  The simplest thing he can not fathom for you.  Well according to literature it all seems to tie back to emotions and communication ladies.  "So when the Love Boat hits the iceberg, who handles it better? My answer: women. Several studies show that men experience more depression, distress, and anxiety after breakups than women do. Men might like to come across as being tougher than overcooked steak after a breakup, but the truth is that they're actually more the consistency of jelly. “[2]  What is fascinating is this is the general consensus of most literature I came across.  Women like closure, to discuss feelings, to have it out, honest and open.  While men would rather completely block out anything to do with you, your break up, their feelings, etc.  The positive side for women is that "Women are more likely to cry soon after the breakup, and they're also more likely to use straight talk when ending a relationship, studies find. So women face their relationship blues head on, and get them out of their systems earlier. Many men tend to repress their reaction, so it lingers like basement mold.”[3]  However, this emotional numbness, non-chalant buffering from men is infuriating.  I have often felt like screaming in their face “IS THERE ANY SOUL IN THERE?” It is so irritating.  So they come across as rude and uncaring.  This is just a part of break up culture unfortunately, which is why a lot of women refer to their exes as douches.

How come jerks don't know their jerks? I don't know..."
-Kim Stockwell

3)     Your single, your the problem.  Oh yes this is the main reason I would say seeing your Mr X happy playing house with Mrs. X bothers you the most! When you are single you begin to wonder is it me?  Is he really an amazing catch and I was really the problem?  No, this is not the case.  All relationships have 2 people that are 50-50 in all the issues, it is not just you.  Here is my enlightening story I will tell  you that made me come to this realization.  Suddenly Mr. AA popped up in my newsfeed on Facebook (you may remember him given the AA because he was all the marvelous things that start with that vowel like abusive, addictive, addicted, arrogant, the list goes on).  The newsfeed was a picture of him with a very attractive young woman.  Mr. AA always put me down, I could never be thin enough, young enough, pretty enough, successful enough, I was never enough for him to be happy.  After hearing this day after day you begin to blame youself.  On top of this he blamed me for his actions claiming he was “stressed out.”  So naturally I began to contemplate whether or not I was a major form of stress, capable of transforming any decent man into a menace.  BUT THEN! The following day after this recent Facebook update there was a big write up on his wall about how he had lost her because he was “stressed out” and blah, blah, blah...the tale of their break up posted for all those to read.  Amazing.  I had to laugh.  It was then when I realized he had not changed, and while we were not compatable he was certainly 50 percent of the problems we had.  That is when I realized I may be single while he wallows through new relationships but I am way happier than I ever was with him, or any man for that matter.  So, while you may see your single stature as failure, I see my Mr. Xs living the exact same lives they did when we were together as failure.  While they make the same mistakes with new women, I realized I have the ultimate opportunity to change myself, my life and my possibilities in my single life.  So never see your situation as anything less than perfect for you.

"Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But, sometimes it hurts instead" 
-Adele

The politics of breakup are extremely difficult to handle some days.  You can see your Mr. X everyday and see how amazingly happy he is all complete with someone new which can of course make you feel a bit off.  This is normal.  It does not mean your life is lacking in anyway.  When I look back on my life I can honestly say at this moment I am the happiest and most successful I have ever been.  And, the most amazing part is that I did not need anyone to reach this point.  I created this life in the last year on my own with my own dedication and hard drive.  While I have no doubt there are many incredible men out there waiting to inspire their match and together create something amazing that does not mean single women are just or perhaps more capable to create their own amazing lives.  The sooner you realize your Mr. X is your ex for so many, multiple valid reasons and that you are really a lot better off with out him in your life, the sooner you will realise that you are the lucky one being single.  

With this said Player #1 is coming to visit this fall.  We are trying the long distance thing for now, I have decided to now call him Mr. Tattoo as his former name was less than flattering.  Long distance is basically like being single and taken at the same time, I will discuss this in a future blog.  Next week I am going to write about my travels to Alberta and Santa Monica! Thanks for reading! And remember stay true to yourself, find happiness, and always, always fall in love...with your life!

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[1] “10 Reasons Why You Should Not Rush Into A Relationship” http://www.nairaland.com/1291085/10-reasons-why-should-not

[2] http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/coping_with_a_breakup/#ixzz2Wmp9YnLl

[3] Ibid. 

Break Ups Are Not Deadly

“Love like you will never get hurt”
-Unknown

I feel the need to write about the fact that break ups are, while hellish, survivable.  It seems as I prance around with fire in my soul that more and more of my girlfriends warn me against giving my heart to anyone.  They are kind little reminders that my heart is not made from steel and will possibly be crushed into a million pieces.  Ms. M is particularly good at reminding me of this and while she may be jaded from the scars of her own past she may also be right.  But here is the thing, like Bob Marley says “The truth is everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to find the ones worth suffering for” Damn rights! See the one worth suffering for me or for you could be someone who will make you suffer, sad truth.  Relationships are not carved in stone, they do not transcend the ages often enough, and yes, your heart will be broken.  So, all my lovely friends (excluding Ms. K who tells me all is fair in love and war and tries to put her rose colored glasses on me when we talk) keep reminding me of my last break up and how break ups hurt.  Yes, this is true my last break up quiet literally broke me and break ups suck.  BUT do you know what sucks more? NEVER TRYING ANYTHING because you are afraid you will get hurt.  What kind of logic is this?  I suppose I should just wrap myself in bubble wrap and then contain myself in a bubble with this mentality.  Of course no one wants to see anyone hurt.  Unless you are some sort of sociopath than you do, but no one that I know is.  So, therefore I get the warnings.  In outweighing the bad with the good here are three reasons to fall in love:

"Don't cry because it is over.  Smile because it happened"
-Dr. Suess

1)     There is a cost for everything.  To enjoy a sunny day we get a little sunburnt, to start a campfire sometimes we burn our finger tips, to travel the world we incur debt, to have a bottle of wine with the girls we incur a hangover, etc.  To all things relative in this world we suffer the consequence and these consequences are not pleasant.  Thus, if you are coming in hot to the world of love than you may very well have your heart ripped out.  It is a common denominator one must know when playing the game of relationships.  As my dad always says “Ain’t nothing in this world for free” This is true when you look at the small trade-offs we endure for the things we enjoy.  Here is an example; I LOVE Kits beach here in Vancouver.  I love the little pub beside it with spiked lemonade in a tiny glass boot, I love the sun, the volley ball, the people, I just love it.  However, to get to my haven I must endure the smelly, hot, public bus for almost an hour from the North Shore.  I know this before I even put on my bikini and leave the house, I am fully aware that I must go through this.  And you know what?  I get on the bus and endure the hour each way because it is worth it.  What has changed in me since my last hear break up is that I realized this.  Nothing lasts forever.  Whereas before I was wide eyed and naive, now I know that the words “forever” can mean actually just for today and that love is fleeting.  Once you have this knowledge the better you are.  I have seen couples destroyed after one day and after 35 years together, love comes with a price like everything else.  That is not to say that I am jaded and think that you must constantly remind yourself of the price of your happiness, not at all! What it does mean is to just be aware of the trade off. 

"Love hurts" 
-Aerosmith

2)     All wounds heal.  This is where scars, scabs, burns, etc come from, they all come from wounds and they are all part of a healing process.  Yes, heartache sucks! It can feel like you might die and not be able to go on, but guess what?  You can, in fact, you will.  You will mend the million little pieces of your shattered ego and heart and be fine.  You may be a little disgruntled, you may have a little more baggage, or whatever the case is but the truth is one day down the road you will realize you actually feel just fine, you are alive and well, because all wounds heal.  I know my friends never want to see me hurt and that is really great but they must know that all pain subsides eventually.  With this in mind they know I will be fine.  After a break up I will admit I fall to pieces but unlike humpty dumpty I was able to put myself back together again and I did not need all the kings horses and all the kings men to do it.  All I needed was time.  Time not only heals your wounds, it also gives you time to create a new life, a new love, a new everything.  So, I would argue that time not only heals wounds, it creates opportunity for amazing things to happen beyond healing.

“No, this is not the beginning of a new chapter in my life; this is the beginning of a new book! That first book is already closed, ended, and tossed into the seas; this new book is newly opened, has just begun! Look, it is the first page! And it is a beautiful one!” 
― C. JoyBell C.

3) Change is GOOD! This should actually be the main focus of your break up.  See while you are crying over a pint of Hagen Das, or vodka, or whatever it is you binge on when you are heartbroken you really need to look at the possibilities!! Last year at this time I was living in a major fixer upper house on a huge acerage, struggling with maintiaing the property, working full time at shit job I hated, finding it difficult to have a social life because the town was so small, and now I have a great career, live in a great place, love my socailizing abilities and have never been happier.  With every ending comes a new beginning.  These possibilities are often hard to see when looking at your life immediately following a break up.  But what you need to realize is your life is limitless.  You answer to no one! You can change, do, accomplish anything you set your mind too.  What an amazing change for you! You will perhaps move to a new amazing place, start a new fun hobby that you love, you will change for the better.  In fact, the sad thing is some of us in this world will not change without this push.  Some of us will stay stuck in a go nowhere rut because we do not want to be alone and believe we are truly in love.  In this particular situation when your lover breaks it off and forces you to change it is the best change of your life.  Trust me I would know.

I am not sure what to write about this week.  I went to a music festival with Player #1 and had an amazing time, but the distance and the fact that we are both happily single is something that makes for a questionable future.  I am not sure what will happen.  But, I have no regrets for spending four amazing days with him, meeting new people, dancing, and having fun.  Life is full of experiences we create.  With that said I am off to Santa Monica tonight with Ms. A, so I hope that next blog will have some fun stories and inspire new blog topics! I will keep you posted! XO