Your Ex and You.

"Wise men say only fools rush in" 
-Elvis

Truth be told blog inspiration comes from so many places.  Sometimes an idea comes from a follower, a reader, a friend, a stranger that plants a seed that grows into a full blog.  This week is one of the moments.  I received a message from a friend of mine, we will call her Ms. DownUnder. She sent me a message in regards to her Mr and Mrs. X.  Her message was so baffling to me that I have decided to share the ordeal of what she told me about them.  Her Mr and Mrs. X have moved in together, have matching tattoos with one another, and my personal favorite, have a dog which they named an amalgamation of their two names after three short months of dating.  I must tell you this situation just makes me shake my head and laugh! According to the numerous articles that I sifted through this week the first three months of dating is really the time that men and women take to decide if they want to become exclusive.  It is typically at the three month mark that they will decide if they want to be exclusive.  This means that Ms. DownUnder’s Mr and Mrs. X are pretty much travelling at the speed of light in regards to their relationship.  And, as all articles and most intelligent people know: “Rushing may lead to a broken heart.It takes time to build a healthy relationship, when you rush into something, you might as well rush out of it. “[1]  Ms. Down Under and I have this in common of our Mr. Xs.  I just want to take a moment and address how ludicrous it is that they have matching tattoos.  Take if from me, I have had a tattoo lasered off, and while it is not really enjoyable, it is not so terrible either.  So while this simply insane act may seem oh so romantic in its permanent suggestion, I am telling you it is actually not.  In a day in age where anything can be removed and covered up matching tattoos are not only cheesy but they can be short lived.  And, lastly unless you are a mass media outlet you should never amalgamate your name with anyone else, unless of course it is your business partner and you are opening a new business.  Amalgamating your names together for using to name something is first of all hilarious! Everyone I told about this literally laughed out loud and secondly is pretty much the most unoriginal action you can have, wow, you two bought something together and instead of brainstorming a new nice name you amazingly put your two names together...sigh...where has creativity gone.  You must realize if you have done this your creativity has come from tabloids.  While buying a dog together may also seem like a huge leap of faith, this is also not.  My dog has lived through three major break ups with me and he is none the wiser.  The truth is people buy, sell and trade dogs like they are merchandise in this day and age.  I would say about one third of my adult friends still have their original cat, dog, etc that they got with an ex, more often than not they have sold them on Craigslist or given them to friends, but more frequently family get them.  So while in a perfect world I would like to believe that getting a dog together shows great attachment it is really just another frivolous attempt to declare to society that you are together, because, well just look at the dog you share.  

"Before marriage, many couples are very much like people rushing to catch an airplane; once aboard, they turn into passengers. They just sit there."
-Paul Getty

The truth of the matter is, those that rush in usually do it for the wrong reasons.  During your first three months, of course you feel like you are falling in love.  Hello, it is called the honey moon period for a reason.  Everything is sunshine and lollipops.  You have never fallen so hard, so fast, so gloriously in love before!  Ya right! Give your head a shake.  Everything is perfect because you really do not know your partner at all.  But, you are all filled with puppy dog love so you move in together, and do outrageous acts of what you call love like being inked and buying a dog because you feel like you should shout your love from the rooftops, even though you probably should not, as when shit hits the fan, well guess what you have to shout your break up from the rooftops too. And what are we rushing for?  Is it that we secretly know this feeling will not last so we must rush before the love wears off?  All rushing does is add to the pressure people often feel that you now have to stay with your partner.  How can you love your partner unconditionally and forever when you are really strangers to one another?  You can’t, in fact you don’t.  You are in love with the idea of your flawless, perfect soul mate, not actually the person that you are with.  But, of course that does not mean that Ms. DownUnder and myself are not miffed by watching our Mr and Mrs Xs.  Of course you get a little rage brewing in your subcocles when you see your exes act the exact same way they did with you! That is normal.  It does not actually mean that you are strange for having some twing of emotion post break up.  The following are three reasons why seeing your Mr. X happy and rushing into love makes you feel strange:

1)     You feel replaceable.  Do you ever look at your Mr and Mrs. X and feel like you are looking into an alternate universe?  A universe where someone slightly more attractive and younger is living in your old house, sleeping in your old bed, and doing all the things you use to do? If you have ever felt this way I am here to tell you that you are not alone. When Ms. K got divorced her Mr. X somehow talked her into moving into her parents small basement room with their baby as he stayed in their big beautiful home, that did not last long.  Ms. M recently called  me upset that her douchy Mr. X had replaced her in a week, her exact words were "I just did not know I would be so easily replaced." Ouch.  But most women I know have experienced this level of parallel universe feeling.  This feeling comes when you are the one who has to change your life post break up, that is because your Mr. X has not changed his life and so is actually still living the same life you left.   True story.  And, yes this means that his new love is doing the same things the two of you use to do.  Yes, he is calling her the same pet names he had for you “Babe, Gorgeous, Dream Girl, etc” because that is just what he has always done.  This should not make you feel like you are replaceable but what you need to realize is he did mean those things when he said them to you.  It just means that he is not original, he uses what he has become comfortable with and so while he whispers the same sweet nothings in someone else’s ear do not let it take away from you own sense of value.  You are actually not replaceable, you and your Mrs. X are world’s apart in similarities, no snowflake is the same, and neither are women.  You will never be replaced by a stick insect with no personality, you are too good for that.  Think of it this way, you built the mold for that life, you were the pioneer, they are living in a reminiscence of what you created, and the life you are creating now is better than any shell of someone else’s life in my books.

"Don't you ever for a second get to thinking your irreplacable"
-Beyonce

2)     He is awfully rude! Yes, this happens with breakups.  One day your man is claiming his love from the roof tops, and the next he cannot bear the site of you.  Sigh.  Bittersweet.  I am not sure what happens to men post break up that make them heartless but it just happens.  Sorry guys, this I have found to be a universal truth.  Ms. DownUnder expressed that while her Mr and Mrs X were gallivanting around expressing their profound love for one another he forgot to remove her name from the lease, making her liable for back rent.  Which would make anyone uneasy.  My Mr. X refused to drop off a box of items while driving through the city I live in (I literally live two minutes off the main route he was on)  So why is it that post break up your Mr. X comes across as a real bastard?  The simplest thing he can not fathom for you.  Well according to literature it all seems to tie back to emotions and communication ladies.  "So when the Love Boat hits the iceberg, who handles it better? My answer: women. Several studies show that men experience more depression, distress, and anxiety after breakups than women do. Men might like to come across as being tougher than overcooked steak after a breakup, but the truth is that they're actually more the consistency of jelly. “[2]  What is fascinating is this is the general consensus of most literature I came across.  Women like closure, to discuss feelings, to have it out, honest and open.  While men would rather completely block out anything to do with you, your break up, their feelings, etc.  The positive side for women is that "Women are more likely to cry soon after the breakup, and they're also more likely to use straight talk when ending a relationship, studies find. So women face their relationship blues head on, and get them out of their systems earlier. Many men tend to repress their reaction, so it lingers like basement mold.”[3]  However, this emotional numbness, non-chalant buffering from men is infuriating.  I have often felt like screaming in their face “IS THERE ANY SOUL IN THERE?” It is so irritating.  So they come across as rude and uncaring.  This is just a part of break up culture unfortunately, which is why a lot of women refer to their exes as douches.

How come jerks don't know their jerks? I don't know..."
-Kim Stockwell

3)     Your single, your the problem.  Oh yes this is the main reason I would say seeing your Mr X happy playing house with Mrs. X bothers you the most! When you are single you begin to wonder is it me?  Is he really an amazing catch and I was really the problem?  No, this is not the case.  All relationships have 2 people that are 50-50 in all the issues, it is not just you.  Here is my enlightening story I will tell  you that made me come to this realization.  Suddenly Mr. AA popped up in my newsfeed on Facebook (you may remember him given the AA because he was all the marvelous things that start with that vowel like abusive, addictive, addicted, arrogant, the list goes on).  The newsfeed was a picture of him with a very attractive young woman.  Mr. AA always put me down, I could never be thin enough, young enough, pretty enough, successful enough, I was never enough for him to be happy.  After hearing this day after day you begin to blame youself.  On top of this he blamed me for his actions claiming he was “stressed out.”  So naturally I began to contemplate whether or not I was a major form of stress, capable of transforming any decent man into a menace.  BUT THEN! The following day after this recent Facebook update there was a big write up on his wall about how he had lost her because he was “stressed out” and blah, blah, blah...the tale of their break up posted for all those to read.  Amazing.  I had to laugh.  It was then when I realized he had not changed, and while we were not compatable he was certainly 50 percent of the problems we had.  That is when I realized I may be single while he wallows through new relationships but I am way happier than I ever was with him, or any man for that matter.  So, while you may see your single stature as failure, I see my Mr. Xs living the exact same lives they did when we were together as failure.  While they make the same mistakes with new women, I realized I have the ultimate opportunity to change myself, my life and my possibilities in my single life.  So never see your situation as anything less than perfect for you.

"Sometimes it lasts in love, 
But, sometimes it hurts instead" 
-Adele

The politics of breakup are extremely difficult to handle some days.  You can see your Mr. X everyday and see how amazingly happy he is all complete with someone new which can of course make you feel a bit off.  This is normal.  It does not mean your life is lacking in anyway.  When I look back on my life I can honestly say at this moment I am the happiest and most successful I have ever been.  And, the most amazing part is that I did not need anyone to reach this point.  I created this life in the last year on my own with my own dedication and hard drive.  While I have no doubt there are many incredible men out there waiting to inspire their match and together create something amazing that does not mean single women are just or perhaps more capable to create their own amazing lives.  The sooner you realize your Mr. X is your ex for so many, multiple valid reasons and that you are really a lot better off with out him in your life, the sooner you will realise that you are the lucky one being single.  

With this said Player #1 is coming to visit this fall.  We are trying the long distance thing for now, I have decided to now call him Mr. Tattoo as his former name was less than flattering.  Long distance is basically like being single and taken at the same time, I will discuss this in a future blog.  Next week I am going to write about my travels to Alberta and Santa Monica! Thanks for reading! And remember stay true to yourself, find happiness, and always, always fall in love...with your life!

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[1] “10 Reasons Why You Should Not Rush Into A Relationship” http://www.nairaland.com/1291085/10-reasons-why-should-not

[2] http://www.menshealth.com/mhlists/coping_with_a_breakup/#ixzz2Wmp9YnLl

[3] Ibid.