I Survived

This week is a deeper reflection on a topic I have been thinking about a long time.  I survived two years of domestic violence with Mr.AA.  The following are three reasons I am where I am today, healthy and happy.  I am a survivor.

1) I got out.  I moved back to small town nowhere and helped my family deal with my dad becoming increasingly disabled.  Fortunately Mr. AA stayed in the flatlands and we broke up and never got back together.  I stayed with my parents and he stayed wherever he stayed I am not sure.  While I would give anything to have a better story of escaping my abusive cycle I don't.  However, I am alive.  Mr.AA threatened to kill me, one night he told me he would throw me into moving traffic right before twisting my wrist into a sprain and kicking my taillights in on my car because I caught him fooling around on me at the pub.  The only answer to survival is getting out, and staying out.  This is also the hardest step.

2) Support network.  I am incredibly grateful for my family.  They were there for me, cooking, caring, keeping me busy as I came back to life.  I came back to life.  I felt worth love slowly, I began to laugh and to feel joy.  I felt like I awoke from a depressing nightmare.  While in my abusive relationship I would have sworn I needed Mr.AA to feel good.  I felt totally addicted to him, because he broke me to a new low, from this low the small high I would get from the good times had my head a mess.   But, my circle of amazing friends and my family saved my life.

3) No Self Blame.  This is still something I sometimes struggle with.  It is not my fault that Mr.AA was abusive.  The moment you truly accept that it is not your fault you will be free.  Your abuser will break you to believe that you cause their actions.  This is a frightening mind game that comes from a vicious cycle of mental, emotional and physical abuse. You are not to blame for your abuse. Ever.  You need to hear this and know that no matter what you do in your relationship your partner never has the right to abuse you.  You deserve healthy interactions that empower you.  You are not to blame.

Forgive all the guilt, anger, pity and other negative feelings you have over your past relationships.  Surround yourself by uplifting support network.  I am a survivor of abuse and I am stronger than I have ever been.  I am not to blame, I am surrounded by love and most important I am alive, all because I got out. Thank you for your support by reading.

Public Transit Etiquette

Taking a quick break from relationship advice to give some commuting advice.  After watching a poor, very pregnant woman cling for dear life for almost half an hour today I have five tips for all commuters everywhere.

1) Seats (in particular in the front) are for those in need.  If you are an able body young person you should not be sitting texting your friends as an elderly man with a walker struggles.  Wake up people!!!! Look at each stop and decide if your seat is needed, if it is offer it.

2) STOP TALKING SO LOUD. With all the cellular technology in this world there is no need for you to yell your conversation while sardined on the bus.  No one cares they just want to get home.  Get off your phone and ride the bus for ten minutes, then call your friend and talk about all the amazing things that I have overheard such as how drunk you were last night, who is having a party and whose girlfriend fought with who...omg! Grow up.

3) Walk quickly on the left of the escalator.   This is the deal.  The left side of the escalator is for walking.  The right side is for standing.   The end.

4) TAKE OFF YOUR BACKPACK.  I see that the signs and pictures illustrating this are not enough so I will explain.  Your backpack takes up space AND hits seated people in the face, take off your backpack and store it at your feet.  This is common sense really, I mean your backpack is a large hump on your back.

5)Move over.  To every person who has ever sat in the outside seat of the two seated isle and then put your lap sized bag on the other seat so you take up two seats, thank you for nothing.  Move over.  Make room, in particular in rush hour.  And, if someone asks you to move over and you are rude about it or worse, you say no, you are not a transit worthy person, you sir (and more often ma'am) should buy a scooter, car, whatever where you can put all your many bags and not be a nuisance to others just trying to get home.

The truth is most of these are practical courtesy.   These tips are being conscious of those around you, those in need,those commuting, let's all take a moment and try respect one another.
Thanks for reading! XOXO

Confidence is Key

 “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt, This is My Story
 

So I have had a lot of time dating and researching the topic to decide that confidence is the key to both racking up your dance card with singles who want to take you dancing, and for a healthy relationship.  The truth is that while all people come in all shapes and sizes, with a multitude of preferences, at the end of the day confidence will get you remembered, confidence will land you the job, confidence will separate you from the other competitors, confidence is the personality trait you should feed.  The following are three reasons why confidence is such a sexy little aphrodisiac.

 

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”
― Bernard M. Baruch

 

1) You are not needy.  A sad down hill struggle forms when we lose our confidence.  We look for it in others.  We become a not-so-hot-mess of co-dependence who requires constant validation.  SNAP OUT OF IT WOMAN! The truth is you do not NEED anyone to be happy, fabulous, fantastic you.  When you are confident you do not need vaildation because you know your own worth.  You know your time is valuable.  You know that when you call someone, and they don't answer you have way better things to do than turn into a needy person and call and text twenty more times.  Why? Because you value yourself, your time, your effort.  AND! The most important thing is that you pity any fool who doesn't recognize how awesome you are.  Don't waste your time searching for your confidence in the validation of others, you will never find it there (trust me I have tried).  Find your confidence in you and rock it!

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
― Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life 

2) You are 100 % you.  Confident people do not conform.  Confident people are not affraid to say no thank you or YES PLEASE! Confident people find their passions in life and do not bat an eye when someone tries to rain on thier parade.  Confident people face the storm and enjoy life.  Confident people are a lucky bunch! They have the capability to realize that only insecure people bring others down and therefore they are not affraid to try hilarious new things such as attempting prancercising, or dance walking just for fun, confident people MOST importantly do not suffer with ill gotten company.  Over the years I have realized that there are many kinds of people in this world, some people will tear you down in a heart beat, while others will bring you up instantly.  Surround yourself with gold.  I see so many people trudging through life in relationships with men that treat them like sh*t because they are not confident enough to stand up and say "NOT TODAY.  Today I want more for myself."  Grab life by the horns and ride that bull, we are not getting any younger.

“Man often becomes what he believes himself to be. If I keep on saying to myself that I cannot do a certain thing, it is possible that I may end by really becoming incapable of doing it. On the contrary, if I have the belief that I can do it, I shall surely acquire the capacity to do it even if I may not have it at the beginning.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

3) Confident people face their consequences.  You know what is SO retroactive?  Passing the buck.  UGH!! There is nothing that is more stagnant and that I despise more than when someone tries to pawn off their actions on someone else.   Confident people say "Opps, I f*cked up, I am very sorry, here is how to fix it" THE END.  I have talked this little scenario to death but here goes one last time.  You absolutely cannot have a productive healthy realationship when you play the blame game.  Classic example: You did (insert sh*t thing here) so I did (sh*t thing here) to show you...." NO, no, no-no, NO.  This is tragic.  This is never ending cycle of "getting even" and hurting one another until the cows come home because neither of you is confident enough to say "You know what, I hear you, I made a mistake."  You will never ever succeed in life if you are a buck passer.  Your coworkers will hate you, your lover will see you as a burden and a source of stress, your family will wish you would just grow the f*ck up.  My best advice to you is grow a pair.  Realize in life we make mistakes, we sometimes have less than admirable intentions, we all f*ck up, own it, move on and feel better about yourself already.

 “Accept who you are; and revel in it.”
― Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie

 

CONFIDENCE is most liberating and freeing feeling you can adapt.  It comes from with in but is fostered through success, love, friends, and so much more.  Find as many outlets that make you feel fantastic and stay true to those.  Cut the fat of your clogged depressed arteries and find the things and people in your life that help your heart skip a beat.  The longer you stay wallowing with confidence issues the longer you are actually manifesting negative outcomes on your life that in all accounts should be incredible.  Thanks for reading! XOXO

Love is not Posession

As The American looks for work, my lunachick wheels began to turn and I started to have unrealistic ideals of the possibilities.  But, as time passes I become more and more aware that he may go back to Americaland and I will sail into the seas of singlehood.   Right when these thoughts set in and I want to dig my spurs into the ground and try with all my might to keep The American I must remember the following three points:

1) Somethings are just not meant to be...ever.   My dearest girlfriends Ms.K and Ms.J always the optimists, tell me that things have a way of working out.  They surely do.   Except not in the Rom-com sort of way we all wish they would.  In reality people break up, for reasons out of thier control, and never get back together.  It is a sort of sad truth, but a truth, none the less. It seems at the end of every relationship, my girlfriends always say "One day he will come crawling back..." I need to tell you this doesn't happen.  They don't come back, thankfully!! And also you shouldn't go back either.  When it is over, it is over.  This doesn't mean this person was not your  soul mate for a moment in time, nor does it mean that your relationship was not amazing.  All it means is that some times the universe has other plans for you.  You cannot cling to someone in the hopes they are your forever and ever mate, their life path is not yours to control.

2) Learn your lesson.  Each union teaches us something amazing.   The American has taught me how to appreciate someone, how to feel again and how to take a deep breath and sort sh*t out when communication is breaking down.  These are invaluable lessons for life.  Each person we date teaches us something about ourselves and others which we did not know before.   Sometimes these people teach us what love is while others teach us what love should never be.  Everyday we learn and grow and the time we share interacting with others is crucial to our self reflection and development.  Learn as much as you can from your relationships, come out of them enlightened, not bitter.  I have written about this before, how society makes us view our breakups as failures, however, I say clinging desperately to a dead

relationship is the failure.  Breakups force us to grow, to feel, to flourish, and best of all to go out and find love again.

3) Know when to let go.   The American probably has 99 problems weighing on his mind.  I should not be one of those.  The truth is when you truly love someone you do set them free.  Not in the rip-thier-heart-out-never-forget-you kind of way.  But, the realization that things just logically don't work.   I mean long distance with no end goal, I mean he wants kids you don't kind of issues, I mean you want to get married and he says "nooooo way" kind of differences that are the end of your united goal.   If you see that your union is no longer headed for the same future goal, that is okay, that is life.   A relationship really only flows if both components have the same amicable goal, in particular, at this age. Not all of us want the same things.  Some of us have to move, some of us have to stay, there are so many people doing what they have to do, we cannot stop one another from doing what we feel is right.  We cannot force our will on others.  We have to appreciate that their fate needs to take them where they need to go and it doesn't need you stalling the flow by clutching onto your love forcing them to stay.

We often guilt trip, fight, bribe, cry,etc., our way out of situations we don't like in order to make others do what we want.  While this kind of behavior is fine for speeding tickets, it does not work for relationships.  Love is not possession, it is appreciation.  Love is learning, and sadly, love is letting go.

I added sexy men to brighten this post this week. Courtesy of Google.