Wednesday 24 April 2013

Dating Coaches: Pick Up Artists Or Just Con Artist?



“It’s not lying, it’s flirting.” 
― Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists
[1]
I have decided to skip blogging about my dating life this week and share this little story to you:
Last Friday I was waiting at a pub for Mr. Suit,as he has just returned from his trip to Africa.  A tall, dark and yes handsome man approached my table.  He asked if I was waiting for friends, which of course I was, what else would I be doing holding down a table at a busy pub on a Friday night?  Regardless of my response he asked if he could sit with me until they arrive.  So I agreed on the condition that when they arrived he would have to go as I wanted to hear about Mr. Suit’s trip and had not seen him in a long time.  The man sat down and we chatted for a few moments.  He sat across from me at the table.  Then he asked if the jacket beside me is mine which was laying taking up the seat beside me in the booth.  To which I responded it was, and then he made this bold move.  He walked over, moved my belongings and sat extremely close to me.  This is when we got on the topic of employment and he told me he is a dating coach.  I have to admit at first I thought he was full of shit, so I called him out on it asking if this was a line to pick up women.  To this question he produced not only a business card but also a pupil that had been watching us.  Hilarious.  Shortly after this my friends arrived, he asked for my number and I gave it to him because I did not want him to fail in front of his student.  I honestly never thought I would hear from him again until he texted me last week asking me out for a drink but life got so busy that I did not have time to reply, I do not think he cares too much about one random woman when I am sure he is swimming in a sea of them.
The End
Oh, we both lived happily ever after never seeing each other again...Would have been nice to write but this week he messaged me asking me if I had become a lesbian, to which I had to laugh at.  I had actually just gotten very busy with work and the Sun Run that I had totally forgotten to respond.  Seeing as how I was not interested and he meets a lot of women I did not even think about it.  But, to question my sexuality because of this fact made me fully realise I have made the right decision.  Also, his reaction may be connected to self esteem which I discuss below.  Needless to say I did respond this time and told him I was just not interested in a drink but was still interested in men.
While I am not the type of woman who could ever date a man in this profession it still got me to thinking.  Can the art of picking up women be taught?  Are all women so cookie cutter impressions of one another that one set of skills can successfully be applied to all of them?  But, primarily it got me to really ponder how these skills are transferable?  Luckily for me I have a business card of a man in such a profession and limitless resources to research this idea at the click of a mouse.  The following are three principles taught in how to pick up women laced with my commentary.  ALSO, at the end of this week’s blog is a question for you readers.  Please submit your answers to my email victoria_redlon@yahoo.com and the most thought provoking answer will win a prize! Thanks.
1)     "Natural Game.’ For anyone not familiar with this term it just means speaking to women without any tricks or gimmicks.”[2]  Natural game is essentially a theory that men do not need all the bells and whistles of the pick-up artist scene; it insinuates that men in their natural state are able to easily pick up women.  Some theorists of the pickup world think that this theory is the best solution in order to “Learn how brutal honesty can get you more action in the bedroom with women. Stop trying to "go under the radar" and stop using deceptive tactics to get women to sleep with you. Unburden yourself, become completely honest and open AND get much better results with women. Learn how to turn women on with complete honesty and never find yourself having to make up stories again.”[3] The honesty of this tactic sounds incredibly promising; however, the motivation behind this statement makes me flinch.  ‘Unburden yourself?’  Basically when I read the above sentence I see a lot of male dominated promises for other men, it does not say, be honest to build an honest foundation with women.  It does not say be honest because being honest is the best thing you can be for the woman you are interested in.  It also does not say be honest because women respect honesty.  It merely emphasizes that men should be honest for their own benefit, so basically they do not feel any guilt towards wanting to bed women.  Using honesty as a ploy to seduce women sounds just a scummy as using lies to reel them in. 
“By believing in our nobler nature, women have the amazing power to inspire us to live up to it. This is one reason why men tend to fear commitment.” 
― Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists
Another humorous take on the natural game theory is bluntly said by LBD (a very famous pick up artists from the novel The Game) he says “This past weekend, I led a Love Systems boot camp in Seattle and one student asked me about the latest of these fads, which he called ‘natural game.’  According to this, you don’t need any of the best word-for-word scripts, you don’t need the step-by-step structure from Magic Bullets, you can just go out and be yourself and have fun and women will come to you.  I told him that this is what most of us were trying to do before we discovered dating science, that it didn’t work back then, and that it sure as heck won’t help new people get better now.”[5] Truth.  We are accustom to men working their lines on us; we have grown familiar with game.  In fact we expect men to have good game or forget it.  Personally telling a man to toss aside his game and just ‘be’ is not a good approach.  Also, I am not convinced men with game are dishonest.  I have been approached by men many different ways, some of them highly affective, some of them the opposite but there is a certain level of knowledge that men will run their game on you.  ALL women know this.  What women now have come to learn is to pick the man with the game that most attracts her.  Even in nature male animals like the peacock, fiddler crabs, and frogs use their given gifts to impress their female counterparts.  To which the female selectively chooses from the best displays.  Why should women be denied the natural allure to win her heart?  Men should impress women with their speech, and they do not need to lie to do this.  But, they certainly do need to run a little game.  It is the effort in the chase that makes a woman feel special.  If men begin to put no effort in, women will seek out those men that do (or perhaps women) leaving the men that have not only applied natural game theory, but also paid for it alone in the dust.
“If there was anything I'd learned, it's that the man never chooses the woman. All he can do is give her an opportunity to choose him.” 
― Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists
2)     The “Physical Lie Detector” is a theory that is also taught by pick up artists that attempts to teach men how to read body language.  BRAVO! How to read body language is an extremely good lesson to learn, not just for men but for all people everywhere.  In particular the cues that suggest that you are too close for comfort, or that we are not interested in conversing with you.  The “Physical Lie Detector” also came with this warning: “Warning: sometimes ignorance is bliss. After gaining this knowledge, you may be hurt when it is obvious that someone is lying to you. The following deception detection techniques are used by police, forensic psychologists, security experts and other investigators.”[7]  By no means am I saying that the professionals that use this type of system are not using it accurately.  But, these individuals ARE professionals who along with this set of skills, have extensive knowledge.  I have to be honest, when I read the articles explaining how to detect lies I was more confused than when I began.  We must keep in mind that each individual is different, one article stated eye roaming as an indication of deception.  Let me tell you I often look around while chatting because I am easily distracted and sometimes feel uncomfortable with direct eye contact.  I can be telling someone what I ate for breakfast while my eyes roam and it has absolutely nothing to do with lying.  “Detecting lies is extremely difficult. It’s more of an art than a science. People can fool polygraph tests, so they can definitely fool you. There is no single behavior that indicates deception 100% of the time. Rather, detecting lies requires observing multiple behaviors and analyzing them using the surrounding context. Also, just because a person shows some of the signs we list below; it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re lying, just that they might be lying.”[8] Furthermore, Malcolm Gladwell discusses this school of thought and how incredibly hard it is to master in his book Blink.  Gladwell discusses that even through the process of himself studying human interactions he was still only able grasp a small amount of what is truly being told by body language.  This suggestion makes me question the ability of anyone to easily and quickly teach someone the art of the physical lie detector test.  Along with this challenge it is farfetched to then expect them to use their limited knowledge in a crowded, loud pub while intoxicated.  Therefore while I do think that the art of picking up women is highly dependent on reading body language.  I highly doubt that a weekend with a person who only understands the tip of the ice berg on such matters is the answer.  The only answer to truly understanding the woman you are interested in is to get to know her.  Once you do, you will be able to read her like a book.
“In fact, every woman I met seemed disposable and replaceable. I was experiencing seducer's paradox: The better a seducer I became, the less I loved women. Success was no longer defined by getting laid or finding a girlfriend, but by how well I performed.” 
― Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists
3)     Confidence: building confidence to help men pick up women is a great idea.  But, make sure you do not create a monster.  One time I was speaking to a very kind hearted friend of mine about this and she said she had befriended a woman that had very low self esteem.  My friend said that she took the woman out with her, complimented her, and tried to increase the woman’s self esteem.  This worked very well and they had a great time together going out.  Until one night a man complimented the woman with who had had low self esteem and instead of saying “Thank you” she turned around with attitude and said “I know.”  What an ugly way to accept a compliment!  That is when my girlfriend said she realized she created a monster.  There is a major difference between confidence, which is very sexy and arrogance which is very scary!  I will be the first to admit I have a really hard time identifying between the two and am more often than not attracted to the latter.  I love men that ooze self confidence, but that does not mean these men are good in relationships.  But, I fully agree with teaching healthy confidence as it allows men to approach women and it also makes them better lovers.  This got me really thinking about the confidence of a man who needs to pick up different women every night.  I began to think about a man who thinks that his success is so noteworthy that he teaches other men to have meaningless but apparently honest sex with as many dates as possible.  Are these the actions of hubris? Or are these the actions of low self esteem within themselves?  Is a dating coach compensating for his lack of confidence with women?  The whole concept confuses me.
QUESTION: What do you think of dating coaches/pick up artists?  Do you think that they are able to teach men the right way to approach women?  If so what do you consider to be right?
Thanks again for reading! XO
“That's when I started to leave it behind. I realized that I got my entire validation from women. Women became like gods to me, but false gods.” 
― Neil Strauss, The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists
[10]

[3] Ibid.
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Wednesday 17 April 2013

Being a Crazy Cat/Dog Lady Ain't That Bad

“Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realize that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods.”
― Christopher Hitchens, The Portable Atheist: Essential Readings for the Nonbeliever
 
 
It has come to my attention that I am strange dog person. The type of person who sleeps with their dog cuddled up to them, puts a rain slicker on him when it rains and talks to him about all things dog related, not to mention the other outfits I put on him from time to time. Truth be told I am some what obsessed with this dog, I do miss him when I travel, and get excited to come home to him every night after work. In essence he has emotionally filled the need for human interaction. So why is it that there are so many negative connotations for “crazy cat ladies” or “weird dog people” so much so that we often find solace in one another as non-animal owners just do not seem to understand? “At least in the Anglosphere, single women who own cats have long been associated with the concept of spinsterhood. In more recent decades, the concept of a cat lady has been associated with "romance-challenged (often career-oriented) women who can't find a man". (1) This is a very negative impression of some pretty incredible single women I would have to say, as a lot of my friends own cats, they also have great careers. First I would like to address the modern spin on the above quote women who are often career oriented have pets. Pets are easy to care for, they love you unconditionally even if you work long hours at the office. They are always excited to see you, they do not complain when you have to reschedule dinner plans and they are very affectionate. The negative connotation of the cat lady is not valid in this regard, women who have demanding careers and busy lives own cats because they are the easiest form of affection for their fast paced life style.
However, it is essential that you understand I am speaking of women who have one to two cats or dogs, or whatever animal makes you happy that you are able to care for. Once these numbers start to increase expotentially and you become a cat hoarder that is a whole new situation: “It has been suggested that cat-hoarding behavior may be due to infection with Toxoplasmosis gondii, a mind-altering parasite of which both cats and humans—among other animals—are hosts. Rats infected with T. gondii have been demonstrated in controlled experiments to seek out the presence of cats, thus to be eaten and resulting in transferral of the parasite to the cat host.[7] It is entirely plausible, therefore, that individuals infected with T. gondii may be influenced by the parasite into hoarding more infective vectors (cats). It has even been suggested that certain sociopathic behaviors may be caused or at least influenced by this organism.”(2) Frightening.
 
Beyond the fact that you may actually be certifiable if you are hoarding cats it is illegal in most districts to own more than four house cats. Read your bylaws before you start collecting cats up to sociopath level. This type of crazy cat lady is actually diagnosed so this blog is not examining the phsychological disorders of cat collecting, instead, I would like to take a moment and discuss the rewards of having a healthy relationship with your one or two cats or dogs, (or ferrets, or birds, or horse, or porcupine, etc.) So that the negative image of cat and dog people may be refreshed with a more positive spin.
Here are three reasons having animals in your life are positive:
1) They reduce stress. In many universities across Canada I have been reading about puppy therapy. They bring puppies to the campus during exam time and allow the students to play with them to help the students relax and be happy. “Could a kitten's purr or a dog's wagging tail help with your depression? ...’Pets offer an unconditional love that can be very helpful to people with depression," says Ian Cook, MD, a psychiatrist and director of the Depression Research and Clinic Program at UCLA. Studies show that animals can reduce tension and improve mood. Along with treatment, pets can help some people with mild to moderate depression feel better. If you're depressed, here's a rundown of how pets could help.” (3) Pets make you happy! And who does not like to be happy. I can personally admit that I have been in a very grumpy mood before, come home to Hizo and been gapped out into thoughts and stress only to just look at him and laugh. He will be excitedly starring at me in aniticpation for attention, his face even appears to be smiling. He does not have any worries, it makes me literally laugh out loud and be happy that no matter what is happening in life there are not only better times ahead but there are good times mixed in with the bad. Pets are antidepressants in themselves and therefore you can not help but love them. “Better health. Research has found that owning a dog can lower blood pressure, reduce stress hormones, and boost levels of feel-good chemicals in the brain. One study of Chinese women found that dog owners exercised more often, slept better, reported better fitness levels and fewer sick days, and saw their doctors less often than people without dogs.” (4) Animals are good for you, just like vitamins. 
 
2) Activity and Responsibilty: Pets create both of these, while most people do not walk their cats, dog people do. Getting out and being active is essential to both health, emotional state and socialization. Everytime I walk Hizo down the the street people chat and pet him, and most often laugh at him. All of these are amazing positive reactions and they allow me to laugh and interact with other people and other dogs, this instantly refreshes any mood I may be in to happy as well as creates networking. Beyond the physical demands of owning a pet it is also essential you feed and water your dog (this is also a bylaw to have clean water and food available for your pet at all times, again before owning a pet you should read the bylaws in your area as they come with some pretty steep fines) Pets add responsibility to your life that make you make the right life decisions. For example sometimes when I am out I start to think I should just stay out all night and go to a different club and it really does not matter if I crash at a friends place. But, then I remember Hizo waiting for me at home and I get my ass home. He does not have a night club to go to or friends to dance with, he really only has me. He also saves me from staying out too long and over drinking, making bad life choices with the wrong men, the walk of hungover shame the following day in the day light, and many other atrocities that are unpleasant. By focusing on heading home before the morning light to make sure I can cuddle up with my dog, let him out to go the bathroom and feed him has kept me on track more often than not and for that I am thankful. In regards to children it is also suggested pets teach them not only responsibility but also aid in the development of empathy. This type of responsibility also is therapeutic for individuals suffering from depression as it greatly motivates them and gives them more purpose. So while I may see Hizo as my check and balance, the activity and responsibility of owning a dog or any pet has many benefits.
 
3) Uncomplicated love. You probably saw this one coming. “Uncomplicated love. Are your relationships with family and loved ones complicated and frayed? A pet can be a great antidote. "With a pet, you can just feel," says Teri Wright, PhD, a psychologist in private practice in Santa Ana, Calif. "You don't have to worry about hurting your pet's feelings or getting advice you don't want." (5) Or in my case my relationships are great, I just really appreciate the uncomplicated love of all animals. There are no fights, no harsh words, no worries about relationship issues just unconditional love. In fact you can get angry and say something not nice to your dog, which you will regret later, and he will never bring it up again. While is it suggested that cats will get revenge, who really knows what an animal thinks. Therefore animals will never throw an unpleasant comment back in your face. Furthermore, Hizo runs around the house like mad and barks in excitement everytime he sees me (he also has terrible separation anxiety and cries outside the door when I go to the bathroom which is not as endearing). No human being is ever going to run around the house in circles for twenty minutes cheering for your arrival and then jump all over you to express their happiness you are home (except for small children, but they do not do this all the time and they eventually grow out of it). Dogs show their love all the time and this is a very rewarding interaction. However, it is important to recognize a school of thought that expresses the opposite. Some evolutionary theorists suggest that we have bred dogs with the cutest faces and best personality triats, but in doing so we may have created little manipulative monsters. It is suggested that the ‘traits’ we see as good may actually be a facade that over years and years of breeding we have enabled dogs to become masters of manipulating us: “Evolutionary psychologist John Archer, of University of Central Lancashire in England, was the first to offer a solution to this Darwinian puzzle. He recognized that the time, effort, and resources that humans spend on dogs are barking mad, from an evolutionary perspective. He argued that pets (particularly dogs and cats) could be thought of as "social parasites" that manipulate human responses. That is, dogs have tapped into the parts of our brain associated with parenting behavior. Forget shaking, sitting, and rolling over; dogs' greatest trick is their ability to parasitize our parenting psychology.” (6) This theory I think is fascinating, while it does make one view their dog differently from time to time.
 
Owning pets is a symbiotic relationship if you treat your pet well. Therefore I say cast off the chains of the crazy cat lady or weird dog person and accept that having a pet is actually enriching your exhistence.
In my personal life I would say I had an epic fail in my hiatus as last Saturday I met three men in a matter of a few hours. I left with Ms. J and Mr. D and went home happily alone with my good friends self respect and dignity but I have seen all three of these men this week very casually. I am once again in a questioning period of my dating life, totally on the fence, I could very easily be happy alone working and living a great city with amazing friends. Happiness is not found in someone else. But, on the other hand I am missing the little things, the making meals together, the small talk, the things that come over time getting to know someone. So, at this point in time only time will tell what happens. For future reference I will call these suitors Mr. A, Mr. B, and Mr. C each one is completely different. Mr. A is a tall, dark skinned, manual labour worker who somehow has red hair which is unique. He is very good looking, but not a good listener and spent three days at the track this week so things are not looking so good for him in the pool of prospects, except he is extremely funny and unique. So on Sunday we had drinks before I met my lovely married friend for dinner. Mr. B (is my favorite prospect so far) he is honest, also funny, also tall, great smile (you know that is my weakness from previous writings) hard working, moral, but does not seem to have a lot of time to get together which is of course the best part of getting to know someone, I am also on the fence on his ability to communicate. Mr. B and I have had two casual dates both during his lunch break. Which brings us to Mr. C who is very optimistic and pure, he reminds me of a good friend of mine. He is also tall, blond hair, nice smile and Dutch so the accent is also endearing. Mr. C and I went for a walk Sunday before I met up with Mr. A. Does this seem like a recipe for disaster because there are too many ingredients in the mix? No, this is dating. Dating actually involves dating more than one guy at a time to make sure that you are making the right choice. Also, in my personal life I heard that Mr. X and Mrs. X have a big announcement, which of course triggers the regular emotions one feels when their X factor has big news with the woman he left you for. But, you realize this life is far better than any of your lives in any other cities before. It is not so much the cliché of my situation but the reminder that societal norms suggest that being 31 and single is frowned upon. In particular by certain people of the past who believe all life is about is to put a ring on it and procreate. It is the hard revelation that I most likely am being judged for doing what makes me happy, so I just have to focus on that: IT MAKES ME HAPPY. That is really all that matters in the end of the day anyways. Thanks for reading! XO
 
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Wednesday 10 April 2013

The Cougar Effect: Why Older Women Love Young Men.


The Cougar Effect: Why Older Women Love Young Men.

“Do you want to know a cruel joke? A cruel joke is men hit their sexual peak at 18 while women hit theirs at 30.  That is just cruel, what 30 year old woman do you know wants to date a guy in grade 12?”
-        Myself Conversing with Ms. M

-         
In light of a recent conversation with Ms. A during her last visit I began to realize that more and more older women are intrigued by younger men.  In fact in Ms. A’s case she was being pursued by an 18 year old man, of course, being happily involved with Mr. K for many years now she rebutted these young advances, but she did agree that this 18 year old who was hot on her trail was very attractive.  I have experienced similar moments in time.  I once was outside a club and started chatting up a very tall, very attractive man who turned out to be 19.  I had to laugh when he offered to buy me a drink because 19 is just too young.  But, that does not mean for a long moment I did not think about it.  On the flip side of this equation Ms. M is only attracted to the opposite of younger men.  She thinks younger men are awkward and inexperienced.  However, it is my personal experience that once you have spent your time dating younger men it is nearly impossible to be happy with men your own age or older.  In fact this Saturday I was chatting with a great looking guy, he gave me his number and through texting revealed he just turned four years my junior.  This made him far more attractive in my books.  In fact, I got to thinking about the reasons I had not been interested in men before.  I have often told my girlfriends "Oh he is just too old” about men my same age to three years older than me.  It would seem that I am suffering from the cougar effect. “The cougar phenomenon: We’ve all heard about the phenomenon of the cougar - an older woman who deliberately sets out to date younger men. We all know about celebrity cougars like Demi Moore and her relationship with Ashton Kutcher. We've all heard of toy boys.And statistics show that this is not just a media invention. The BBC has reported that 25% of older women are married to younger men. In America, 30% of older women date men who are younger than themselves.”(1) And, unlike Ms. M, the majority of my lady friends are embracing this phenomenon.  It is important to clarify here that younger men refers to men typically 25 and up, while there have been a few 21 to 24 year olds sprinkled in the mix 25 and up is ideal.  


Here are the three reasons I most admire the company of younger men.

1)     They are immature.  Thank god for this! You may have thought immaturity is a turn off but to me it is a relief.  Due to immaturity younger men are so much fun because they are not afraid to be a bit silly.  They are young so they have not learned yet that certain things are not socially acceptable which at this age makes me laugh.  In my twenties I would have been embarrassed but given I have reached the amazing age of 31 I too do not care about socially accepted norms.  In fact, I think that these norms have made men dull causing them to rarely act impulsively or creatively.  What is interesting is that when I researched immaturity it unfortunately was only listed as a reason NOT to date younger men.  I have to DISAGREE with this.  Being immature is a short lived window, one day the guy you are dating is so much fun, beer bonging with friends, singing drinking songs or saying absurdly hilarious observations the next you are dating someone that only wants to discuss mortgage rates, car finance and day care options.  Perhaps I do not want to grow up, this is a possible reason, but I actually think in growing up I have come appreciate the wacky side of immaturity that fades with time.  I have come to laugh at it and embrace it and know it is scarcely found in men with receding hair lines.


2)     They are HOT!! (hot, hot!) What is that full head of hair? Wash board abs? Smooth hairless back? Yes please! Younger men, whether or not they try to stay in shape or not they have hot bodies.  They also have smooth, wrinkle and hair free skin and full heads of hair.  Most people that know me know that I am NOT a fan of body hair or balding.  So their hotness factor is undeniable.  This is a fear of mine.  I see so many TV shows plagued with the unattractive, fat, balding, idiot husband paired with a smart, successful, stunning wife.  What a ridiculous male based fantasy!  I guess women feel pressure to surcome to societies projections of what we should want in life.  “Does our culture's collective discomfort with a reversal of the usual younger woman–older man dynamic come, as scientists suggest, from a deep-rooted evolutionary instinct that drives women to choose the wiser, older, more powerful alpha male over the untested young buck? Or could it be caused by something as shallow and immediate as a woman's not wanting anyone to think her date is her younger brother or, God help us, her son? Maybe women feel that because girls have a head start on maturity back in the seventh grade, our emotional and spiritual equals must forever be at least five years older than we are. Whatever part of the conventional wisdom they buy into; American women find it easy to summarily reject younger men. Too bad. They could be denying themselves the most wonderful relationship of their lives.”  Tsk, tsk society!

3)     They are eager.  Young men are eager in life, not just the sack (mind out of the gutter for two minutes my fine readers) They are eager to get going on their life goals and aspirations; they are passionate and filled with hope! This is such a great thing to witness.  Something happens to men as they age, they settle.  When men settle they lose that passion and drive and find a routine.  ROUTINE? I am pretty sure that if Webster’s Dictionary had a definition of boring life it would be routine.  Younger men are still feeling their way through life so they are always trying new things and bringing a lot of passion to their dreams.  (Now mind in the gutter) Romantically they are eager to please.  Now Ms. M believes this eagerness to be paired with inexperience.  Of course someone a decade younger than you will have less experience, unless you have been locked in a dungeon or married for the past ten years.  But, that does not mean that is a bad thing.  I have had young lovers that I would deem far better in the sack than a lot of older men.  Also, I have noticed lovers in their 30’s often act like they are doing me a favor.  Arrogance is something that men also accumulate over time so the awkward young lover is so much more appreciative and, yes, eager that they are preferred in my books.  It may also be important to note here that I dig awkwardness.  I revel in the moments where men lose their words and are lost.  When they stumble for the next thing to say and are unsure I think it is adorable.  Also, I have noticed while younger men will pour their heart and soul into attaining a woman, older men have lost that drive.  Perhaps men in the thirties are of high demand or they just think they are, but the younger man at least strives for his prize.  While his older rivalry lays around waiting for the woman to pursue him.  Good luck with that.



Furthermore, from the men I have known in my life time I have come to learn the majority of them love being the younger man.  There is some mysterious allure to older women, whether it be their confidence, sexuality, or their knowledge I am not sure but there is something that drives younger men to hunt the cougar.  According to one article here are few reasons younger men crave the cougar: “1. Older women are taboo; taboos are attractive... 2. Mature women make men feel more comfortable... 3. Older women may be hunting for younger guys [obviously]... 4.Young men do not have much experience with women.”(4)  All I know is the younger men I have been with have never acted with anything but pride as to having an older woman around and the younger friends I have get praise from their guy friends for the older women they manage to keep around so if younger men have their eye on older women and vice-versa than bring it on!

It is right when I finish writing this article that I found this terminology:
“A playerette is very confident because she's hot, and she's looking for casual encounters rather than commitment. She likes sex and attention, and is working it because, thanks to her physical and social gifts, she can.

A cougar will be slightly less hot and generally older. Her attitude is often more along the lines of "I've got to get all the young guys I can, while I can." A cougar is often more like a drunk woman looking to hook up at closing time, but extended over months or years rather than the last half hour of the evening. I categorize a totally smokin' woman over 30 who's not looking for commitment as a playerette, not a cougar, because her attractiveness will have guys coming to her, rather than her having to play more offense and prowl for male prey.”

Thus am losing the term cougar and replacing it with playerette. 

Personally, I met a few men this weekend while out with the new Ms. J, Mr. D (mentioned in the previous blog) and am texting with them.  But, have decided never to put all my eggs in one basket or fluke things out by blogging about them too soon.  On the Mr. Yukon front I had to say goodbye to this little gem, while he is everything that I would love to have around, he is also a million miles away.  Two months have gone by with sporadic texting and that actually does not bother me.  What bothered me was he was infecting my thought process.  I would meet another man, enjoy a conversation and then somehow find myself thinking of him.  Not good.  There is no way I am going to have feelings for a fling that lives so far away, so I texted him that as great as he is we should just be friends.  My text was nice and to the point and, as always, flattering.  So hopefully whenever he gets service he will read and we can just be friends.  There is not time in this busy city life to waste day dreaming of Mr. Yukon. See ya!

1) http://arabia.msn.com/lifestyle/valentine/16395/the-allure-older-women-why-men-love-c/
2) Read more: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Dating-a-Younger-Man-O-Magazine#ixzz2PuFJqxq1
3) http://m.askmen.com/dating/player_100/143_love_games.html
All Photographs From: https://www.google.ca/#hl=en&sclient=psy-ab&q=pictures+of+men&oq=pictures+of+men&gs_l=hp.3..0l4.114.4199.0.4389.24.16.4.4.4.0.103.1019.15j1.16.0...0.0...1c.1.8.psy-ab.xEQDOzeTH20&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_cp.r_qf.&bvm=bv.44990110,d.cGE&fp=129d4de158f3716&biw=1920&bih=1105
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Wednesday 3 April 2013

Straight Men + Straight Women Can It Ever = Just Friends? The Issue of Sexual Tension


Can straight men and women be friends?

“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever” 
― Dave Matthews Band



This question seems to come up time and time again and it always gets mixed reviews.  When I was dating Mr. AA he always said “Men and women cannot be friends” His reasoning behind this statement is that they will end up sleeping together.  This made me think of my man friends, and I would like to say that I have not slept with the men I consider key male friends, but that does not mean I have not found out that they have at some point in time thought about it, or found myself thinking about it either.  The most engrained memory I have of this revelation is about a year after high school graduation I went to visit a very good friend of mine in University.  We were chatting and we were a bit drunk, I told him that I had a crush on him back in high school, that was when he said he had the same feelings and that he still had them, which of course led to awkward silence followed by my attempt to smooth things over with a I just like you as a friend speech.  Another time not too far after this time my friend admitted he was interested, in the same manner after I had told him when we initially began to get one another that I was interested but by the time this chat happened I was not interested in him so after his revelation I had to again give the you are my friend speech too.  However, when I thought about it, I realized almost all of my friendships with men have resulted in them expressing interest, or a friend of a friend telling me they really would prefer to be more than just friends.   In fact, I found myself realizing that I too had, had feelings of more than just friendship with these men in the beginning of our friendships.  But, even given these mixed emotions, in my personal opinion I do think it is possible to be friends with the opposite sex.  Of course these complications do not arise when:
1)     One of the friends is homosexual, or
2)     they are married or in a committed relationship, or
3)     they are not someone you find physically attractive or
4)     they have a severe personality trait that you find yourself not attracted to sexually but on a friend level you do not mind. 

Some of you may be reading this thinking that it is absurd to think that two attractive, single, fabulous people cannot be friends, so I decided to do some research on this topic to see if I am the only one questioning this possibility. 

“Daily experience suggests that non-romantic friendships between males and females are not only possible, but common—men and women live, work, and play side-by-side, and generally seem to be able to avoid spontaneously sleeping together. However, the possibility remains that this apparently platonic coexistence is merely a façade, an elaborate dance covering up countless sexual impulses bubbling just beneath the surface.”(1)


“In order to investigate the viability of truly platonic opposite-sex friendships—a topic that has been explored more on the silver screen than in the science lab—researchers brought 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends into…a science lab... The results suggest large gender differences in how men and women experience opposite-sex friendships. Men were much more attracted to their female friends than vice versa. Men were also more likely than women to think that their opposite-sex friends were attracted to them—a clearly misguided belief... However, men and women differed in the extent to which they saw attached friends as potential romantic partners.  Although men were equally as likely to desire “romantic dates” with “taken” friends as with single ones, women were sensitive to their male friends’ relationship status and uninterested in pursuing those who were already involved with someone else.” (2)  

Basically sexual tension is the possible downfall of all co-ed friendships.  What is interesting in the above mentioned study is this; first, men over estimate their own attractiveness and assume that women feel the same way and, secondly, that men do not mind taken women, but these are two interesting facts that can be explored another day.  Keeping on the topic of male and female friends it is suggested that the reason why sexuality is an issue for straight women and men attempting a friendship is that it is in our biological make up to want one another.  "While men and women can be friends, it is difficult for the relationship to be entirely platonic. Our genetics simply drive our attraction to the opposite sex! The likelihood that at least one party is drawn to the other sexually is very high, regardless of whether or not anything ever comes of it. This is the reason jealousy and infidelity exists; we are not wired to be a monogamous species."(3)  Could this be true?  Are we hard wired to crave the opposite sex so much that friendship is not feasible?
“Women I spoke to consistently said that it is “difficult to impossible” to have fulfilling friendships with men because as the friendship develops, men will inevitably want to elevate the relationship to a romantic level. Similarly but in much simpler terms, men I spoke to said that it is difficult to be friends with women “when you want to sleep with them”.  So I believe that the element of sexual tension from my own experiences and the literature is an obstacle for healthy female-male friendships to blossom.  But here is the thing, I was spending time with weekend with a good friend Ms. J (this is a new Ms. J, as the other Ms. J are on the outs indefinitely) and her good friend Mr. D and they both agreed it is possible, and then joked that it is only possible after you unsuccessfully try to hook up.



Here is the thing at the end of all this debating why would you not want to try and hook up with someone you find attractive, who is funny, fun, witty, and someone you like.  Is this not the point of meeting new people?  Or reconnecting with old?  I actually do not think it is a bad thing that the men I have mentioned in the past expressed their desires; in fact I like it a lot.  They are all amazing men who now reaching maturity in my life I probably would jump at the opportunity to get with.  In fact, I think it is more flattering when a male friend likes you, because he actually knows you.  Anyone can like you because of your looks.  But, when a man who actually knows you, knows your obnoxious laugh and goes in public with you anyways; knows how when you get home after too much to drink you binge eat in his bed and make him sleep on the sofa as you crumb up his sheets but still has you over time and time again; and a man who admits to being your friend no matter how embarrassing that claim may be is a man who truly knows you.  And, if you are fortunate enough to have a man who knows you like this actually who turns to you one day and tells you he likes it, than that is not only an awesome compliment but it is something special.  Of course, if you are not thinking the same thing about him it makes you feel uncomfortable and possibly puts a cramp in your friendship cycle for a while.  But, here is another thing I have learned about man friends, and the point Mr. D and Ms. J were making in the comment mentioned above, men and women can get over sexual tension.  In fact the interesting thing about men is that they can tell you they love you one day, and you can tell them you do not feel the same way, but the next week call them to hit up the pub they are down to have a few beers and carry on your friendship.  Men have an uncanny ability to move passed expressing their feelings one day and acting like that never happened the next.  I know this because I am still friends with the men mentioned above.  But, it is also important if said man has expressed feelings for you that cool your jets on the amount of time you spend cuddling up to him while watching a movie, or crashing at his place and all the little things women do with their man friends sans boyfriend (I know for fact that I am not the only woman who does these things) you have to down grade to treating him a little bit more like a new friend for a while or it is just leading him on, which is cruel. 
In my own dating life, still nothing to report as this hiatus is going smashingly well.   Except there is always Mr. Yukon lingering in the works.  He is working in and out of cell phone service so the moments are fleeting, but they are sweet moments none the less.

Thanks for reading, XOXO.




1)        http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends
2)        Ibid.
3)        Dr. Soroya Bacchus, 51, Psychiatrist, http://www.shape.com/lifestyle/sex-and-love/can-men-really-be-just-friends-women?page=2
4)        : Can Men and Women Be Friends - Friends with the Opposite Sex - Marie Claire
5)        All pictures found at: https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+the+friend+zone&hl=en&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=gCRbUYOVNOH6igKbpYDwCQ&ved=0CC0QsAQ&biw=812&bih=546#imgrc=VNT53s3zPrZfTM%3A%3Bbq1K1ojlEJa9CM%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252F4.bp.blogspot.com%252F-fJO8NIQ1b2w%252FTZ4HJQe4x-I%252FAAAAAAAACy0%252Fk8fA4v2y6Ro%252Fs1600%252Ffriend-zone-rage1.gif%3Bhttp%253A%252F%252Fwww.loveblendnbeauty.com%252F2011%252F04%252Ffriend-zone.html%3B600%3B533

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