What am I doing?

Not all blogs have positive and happy focused outcomes.  I am not pulling the wool over your eyes or misleading you.  Some days I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going.  From dancing to the end of days with gin pumping through your veins to spin class with the office girls life can be confusing and the following are three reasons why that is 100 percent fine.

1) Life doesn't have a road map.  The truth is we are all shying away from being socially outed for our eccentricity.  Everyone has a dirty little dark side they are terrified of at varying degrees.  Who cares? Life doesn't come with a road map.  You don't hop out of the womb and your mom hands you a life road map and your set.  We are all the blind leading the blind and you can bet your demons are just as wild as the person next to you so relax.

2) We all get lost.  Some times no plan is the plan!! Some times you really feel the reality of this crazy thing called life and it is terrifying and exciting all at once.  Some times there is no rhythm or pattern or constant.  Some times you are literally fumbling along at the speed of light with no idea of anything.  The fantastic thing about it is there is actually nothing expected of you.  Just keep going.  Throw all your stupid ideas of love, romance, success, everything out the window because you truly only have one life.  Start living.

3) There is nothing to control.  All those people you see in control aren't actually.  They think they are but there sense of purpose is fleeting.  No one controls destiny.  She is an untamed mistress.  The truth is you could drop dead tomorrow.  You could get sick.  You could lose the love of your life.  Anything could happen.  The only constant in this life is the uncertain.  The only sure thing is that nothing is for sure.  That is the wild, crazy, sexy side of life that too many people try and shy away from pretending they control their outcomes when in actuality no one does.

On days recently I realized I have no idea what I am doing or what I am looking for.  I used to think a defined idea of things would give me perspective but the truth is perspective doesn't matter.  Accepting that flying through life with no control is reality is startling.  But looking good doing it may be the only way to go.  Thanks for reading. XO

What the Ex?

It is right when you are happily not thinking of your exes that one will fly up in your f#cking face by moving to your city with his new woman after not so gracefully leaving the country and leaving you broken hearted.  And, you and The American are supposedly friends but you find out a month later via facebook...cuts like a knife.  And, not because you long to have his gross bearded face in your life but the insinuation of his hiding this makes you feel like he was quite literally hiding from you.   The following are three reasons we should be honest and straight forward rather than fake care:

1) Assumptions are total bullsh#t! Listen up men. All women I know are hurt the most when you tell them you lied to them or did something you knew they wouldn't like and then blame them.  You use the excuse that you lied or hid the truth because of a reaction they might have had.  Example: I didn't tell you because I knew you would over react.   This hurts.  And, it hurts deep because it suggests that you think we are some kind of raving lunachick set on kill.  This realization makes us feel like you view us in a negative way which makes us feel less valued and less lovable.  It makes us realize you no longer view us as the goddess you once did and you have undesirable thoughts about us and this makes us insecure.

2) Why are you making drama? The truth of the matter is 99.9 percent of all fights, insecurity and lunachicking could be avoided with a little finesse and honesty.  Rather than secretly texting women friends (which unless you had a lobotomy you know is going to cause problems) try talking to your girlfriend.  Explain what is going on.  I know that finding secret female "friends" all over your man's sh#t makes your blood boil, but not for the reasons they assume! For the reason they lied.  They hid their friendships making them appear as dirty little secrets.  Things only escalate when they blame thier ridiculous immature actions on you.  Before you create a world of secrecy try talking to your woman and explaining who you are, what you want and that you have other woman in your life and most importantly who they are in relation to everything. Honesty is the answer.

3) Calm down ladies.  Yes this last point is a doozy but seriously if you are screaming at your man like a bat out if hell he will keep secrets from you.  Sadly if you have a man who does this than the actuality is that he probably dated a banshee and is afraid you will do the same thing.  Hash these issues out.  To tell you the truth I can be crazy jealous because my men are gold and I do think other women want them.  But, I would much rather be with a man who from the get go tells you how and who he is and trusts you to accept all of him and his friends regardless of gender.  Than with some ignoramus who cannot understand that you can comprehend, trust and most importantly change.

With the presence of The American back in my country and city came old thoughts but mainly just reminded me of how he could be such a p#ssy.   A little heads up before moving back would have been courteous but then again one should never give too much credit to their exes.  Thanks for reading. XO

Looking for Love in all the wrong places...

I forgot my cardinal rule "Don't look back, you're not going that way" and tried to reignite the dead flame of The Boxer.  But you can't get fire from cold ashes.  I wanted him to be my distraction, maybe even my salvation, from The Pilot's rejection but that just isn't the way of the dating world.  The following are three reasons you should never try to back track:

1) Issues.  As much as people try to work on their issues they are still there.  Just like my bad knee.  95 percent of the time it feels great but on a cold day or after too much exercise the pain seeps back in.  You can never end something and then go back.  The damage is done.  The issues are there.  Permanent in stone.  If they were issues enough to walk away from the relationship it is best to move on.

2) Bye-bye love, bye-bye happiness.  Once the negativity of a break up consumes the relationship it affects all aspects of what use to be happiness and sucks the joy out of what use to be.  I thought I could apologize and repair the damage with The Boxer but I had injured our connection and there was no going back to the fun flirtation we once had. The easy fun emotions are replaced with guilt, frustration, anger, etc.

3) The worst in you.  Breakups not only bring out the ugly emotions they bring out our worst side.  Rather than accept that things didn't play out you begin to think what can you change? What can you exchange of yourself or your personality? What can you do...this mentality is so desperate and dangerous.  We lose ourselves, our identity and our power when we negotiate pieces of us ourselves to be with someone.

Fortunately it is always better to be single than with the wrong person so life carries on as it always does.  Thanks for reading. XO

In the dog house

It is right around the time you think you can back track and repair the damage of your rejection with the Boxer that he will remind you men are not toys.  So here I sit in the metaphorical dog house trying to bail myself out and get some of that gorgeous man's attention again.  The following are three ways to get yourself out of the dog house:

1) Apologize.  Apologize. Apologize.  The truth is I was the dick.  I told him we weren't compatible because I had the Pilot on my mind but more so because I wanted more excitement! The Boxer while young and sweet is not wild.  So I had to apologize.  And apologize I did.  Be prepared for your apology to not go very far! Be prepared to be told off.  I have bruised a man's ego and I knew that if I tried to back track the consequences would be messy.  But, the truth I missed the way he made me feel. I missed his smile, innocence, the way he made me feel special.

2) Do something nice.  Sugar and spice. So here I am trying to juggle my social calendar and fit in an expensive dinner (my treat) for the Boxer and I have the dress mentally planned and know a small gift may have to be in the mix.  Repairing the damage doesn't come cheap when you made a stupid choice over a stupid Pilot for a stupid outcome. But, don't beat yourself up too much!! With the right amount of effort almost all mistakes can be fixed.  Bad boys that are wrong for you can be distracting from the person who actually deserves your time.

3) Put in the time and effort. Damn these mistakes are costly.  Text him in the am something cute.  Try and remind him all that you are and that you are worth a second shot.  The truth if he is slowly talking to you it means he is considering forgiving you and that you still have a chance.  Put a little elbow grease on this.  Put a little extra effort.  Send him the picture of his favorite pizza with a message that you saw it and would love to grab a slice with him, send him a text to say good night.  It is okay to try a little, you are the one who needs to put the effort in.

Jury is still out on whether or not these tips will help me.  So send me a little luck cause I can use it.  I don't always make good life choices but at least I am smart enough to admit when I f#cked up and fight to fix my idiocy.  Thanks for reading! XO

All or Nothing

Dating is hard.   On the one side your friends and numerous "helpful" online articles tell you to ignore the person you are interested in.  And on the other side you begin to think why should I pretend to act a way I am not? Sigh.  The Pilot left me wondering if I was ever going to see him again so against all odds I sent him a text that told him I thought he was worth getting to know.   The following are three reasons why you should scrap all the bullish#t and do what you want:

1) No regrets!! At least if he never messages me back I know I put myself out there.  Raw and forward and simple.  I tried.   While my past may be freckled with rejection it is not scarred with the unknown.  When a man brushes me off and I want them, I tell them.  There is no shame in being interested in someone.   And, there is no shame for them if you are interested in them.  In fact, it is a compliment.  I would much rather know that the person I am interested in knows how I feel and chooses not to engage than wonder what if...

2) You did your best!! I see so many people give up on what could have been one hell of a sexy romance too easily.   They never say how they feel or what they want but they some how expect the world to cater to their ideas.   They say crazy things like "if so and so felt the same way they would say so" um, are you mental? If a man walks into your world and shows interest than he has tried and you need to meet him part way.  It must be incredibly scary for one person to blindly try to be with someone.  When I go to sleep and rest well I do so because I damn well tried.  I tried to communicate what I want and why and that is all we can do.

3) He is Mr. Wrong. Dang! You really wanted this one to be around a little longer but it just didn't pan out.  Shake it off.  The truth is if he was the right guy for you he would never be offended by your wanting to be with him.  There is nothing desperate in telling someone you think they are sweet and you want to get to know them...even though these words appear to be my kryptonite.  If he high tails it away from you because you tell him you want to see where things go he is not for you.  Sure, you could have spent weeks or months having no clue what you meant to him but hanging out or you could have the truth.

And, you may have guessed The Pilot's response to my text wasn't good enough. Who knows if he caught another bird or just wasn't interested.  But, fortunately the dating game while challenging is also a lot of fun.  If only I hadn't struck out the other players on the dating field trying to sort this out.  Thanks for reading. XO