“You had my
heart inside your hands. And you played
it to the beat”
-Adele
For three months you are dating someone, or being courted,
or whatever term you fancy. Life is grand. He calls you (or in this day in age texts
you) all the time, he tells you how flawless, beautiful, wonderful you are, you
are truly, deeply, madly falling in love. But
then one day you notice his efforts are starting to fade. He texts you here and there and they are not
passion filled exclamations of romance, they are more along the lines of
friendly enquiry. This makes you feel a
little miffed, have you been fooled? You
are not foolish. In light of these
emotions you get a little angry, in return your love interest runs for the
hills. So, what happened? You have no idea how many times I have seen
this scene play out. What happens is when a man is chasing the object of his desire pulls out all stops, he pursues her with
all his tricks and sweet words. And, in
return the woman falls for the man, he makes her feel special. But, the woman is actually
falling in love with the wooing. The
sweet nothings mentioned at her, the complete acceptance of her quirks, the
kindness, the effort.
She feels like the only girl in the world. This is a wonderful feeling! But, typically
at the three month mark these feelings hit turbulence. You wake up one morning with no daily
greeting, and when this lack of effort happens for four days in a row you begin to wonder why
you are not being wooed any longer. Are
you no longer worth a daily greeting? Is
someone else getting the attention you once got? Or is it just that he has you now, and so he figures he really
does not need to woo you any longer.
This is typically why relationships hit a revolutionary period at three
months, commonly referred to as “shit or get off the pot” time.
“If you can’t
handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best”
-Marylin
Monroe
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It is argued that men cannot realistically be expected
to maintain the wooing level of romancing because “The honeymoon period is the phase in which your relationship
with her consumes you..This is not a negative
development. The honeymoon period, by nature, is set up to end. People cannot
sustain that level of enthusiasm without some sort of decline, either in
frequency or intensity. You spend the majority of your free time with her in
order to get to know her on an intimate level.”[1] A man apparently cannot maintain
being consumed by his love for more than typically 3 to 6 months. But here is the thing, while Mr. X may be a
lot of things in my books, every morning for three years he texted me “Good
Morning Beautiful” without fail. Let me
tell you something, you can easily forward this text to your girlfriend every
morning and it will make her day.
Furthermore, it takes literally two seconds of your time. I have recently noticed Player #1 faltering
in his aspirations to impress me, and when asked about his lack of wooing he
used the same excuse I have heard a million times, basically that he is
busy. Yes, we are all busy. But, if you expect me to believe that you are
too busy to take two seconds of your day to let the woman you care about know
that you are thinking of her than a) you are probably not thinking of her, and
b) you must think I am an some sort of slow witted person who does not
understand anything about the time it takes to text. Seriously, two seconds of your day. I no longer hear this excuse from men, I
straight up tell them. Texting literally
takes two seconds of your day. If you
cannot put two seconds of your day into me once a day than I am worth more
than you are willing to give. End of
story. Never settle for something that
feels like nails down a chalk board sounds.
We all have our own standards, and preferences for a reason.
I would like to draw on Ms. K for a moment here. She often tells me that when talking to her
man she feels as though he does not care what she has to say. In fact she says that he full out tells her
that he does not care about what she is saying.
This is baffling. Never in my
thirty one years of life has it ever occurred to me to say such a thing to
anyone. I have definitely
pretended to care about a lot of things I do not care about, because someone
else cares about them. I once went
downhill mountain biking down the steepest vertical hill in BC (Kicking Horse)
while it is made of pure shale and swarmed with black flies whilst I had literally not
rode a bike in ten years because my boyfriend at the time was fond of downhill mountain
biking. This is how relationships
work. Death defying acts like described
above, but more so the realisation that you do not want the person you are with
too feel sad, bad or mad. And, in order
to avoid those negative emotions you try your best to pretend your way through understanding trivial things that you otherwise would never think about. It is called being a decent
partner. But, at the end of the honeymoon period here is what happens. The wonderful man that held you on a pedestal
suddenly lets you drop a little, and it scares you. Because, it took you weeks or months to let
him in to your heart and when he changes his approach you see your future possible heartache. Thus with this peek into the
future the disillusioned woman, who of course has enough self esteem, will say “smarten
up” to her slacking partner. (On a very
sad side note, some women will say nothing and their partners, soon their partners realise they
have all the power to do whatever they want without any give or take and
typically treat their women like shit, true story).
But, on the flip side the high self esteemed woman who knows her worth
will address the first transgression against their flourishing love. This can initially be a light friendly
comment. Such as “It really makes my day
when you text me good morning” on a day he has forgotten. Typically he will say something along the
lines of “Sorry, I will try, or I will not forget, etc.” If you are lucky this is all it will take and he will go back to making you happy, but
if his faltering maintains then this same woman may only be happy for a few days until one days she realises it has now been four days
since he has messaged her anything really all that thoughtful. So, she may point it out again but this time
less positive such as “I think you forgot to say “Good morning Beautiful or something like that” to which he may
correct this mistake and they again will be happy for a few days. BUT, it is really the third strike. The third time she notices it has now again
been three days and he has once again put minimal effort in that she will strike. Or in the instance of Ms. K the tenth time her lover has acted as if he just outright does not care. That is about the time her lunachick comes knocking
at the door, and she lets her out for a moment.
And, she will just out right tell the man who has been pursuing her up
to this point her disappointment. Two
things can happen here, he will try and use excuses, like mentioned above that
he is too busy, phone died, out of service, etc. (the route of excuses has two outcomes, either he smartens up cause he gets it, or thinks he can sell his fables to you and will continue being lazy) Or, he will just give
up.
“How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again”
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It’s a crime to fall in love again”
-Jan Arden
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When I look at this situation I just shake my head at the
simplicity of avoiding it. In the texting incident described above there were
three warnings he did not take, the solution to not having this problem was
told to him three times. The minimal
effort of the solution suggested is borderline insulting and yet asking for too
much? I have heard many of my
girlfriends reach this boiling point.
They say “I have asked him, and asked him, and asked him...” and it is
always asking him about something so minimal it is mind boggling as to why it
is so hard to do. So what is it about
asking men to do certain things that actually makes them not do it? Is it their stubborn will? Is it that they believe
this is giving over some form of forbidden control? From this standoff here is what typically happens
that I have witnessed between the sexes.
The man (I have heard many of my guy friends describe this turning
point) will say something like this “Ya she was so laid back and awesome in the
beginning and then she just went crazy”
Perhaps this is how they actually see it, but in the beginning this
lunachick was being emotionally fulfilled by this man. This man was pulling out all the stops, he was
giving her a high level of attention that when he took that away of course she
is going to question what happened. And,
obviously want it back. She no longer
feels special, and furthermore she is not entirely sure why things changed, she
is most likely blaming herself and wondering what she did wrong and she also
does not really know what to say about the current situation to improve it. I was recently having a conversation with my
sister and she revealed to me that one of her friends had not received anything
from her husband in over a year. That
means, NO birthday anything, NO Christmas anything, NO anniversary. Now before you go thinking I am a cad for commercialisation
I strongly believe a wonderful gift can be a moment shared, a nice home cooked
mean, or a song written or just any gesture...even though diamonds are a girls
best friend! (Just kidding about the diamonds part) So this really got me to thinking about the
three month transition from wooing to laziness and what it literally symbolizes. Then I got to thinking about all the couple
interactions around me and the women I know that would never stay around for
their man to be lazy and take them for granted.
That is when it donned on me. The
three month revolution...or rather de-evolution is basically the beginning of
the end for many couples. Women when they are all smitten
from their three to six months of courting are at first not sure about the
first transgression. It can be that the
man ignores them for a day or two, or just is not romantic anymore in most of
his text, or whatever CHANGE has happened from what he use to do makes her
think “hmmmm, something is wrong” but she is in love, or falling in love, or
whatever so she does not say anything at first, or she may go about it jokingly
or whatever, but there comes a point when the change is concrete, maybe it has
been two weeks of this new lazy love interest being “too busy” to send a two
second text when she realises “WTF?” and will say something. But, if he has not figured out what a gem you
are the chances are high that he will opt to give up. Basically what occurs is the woman is hurt by the loss of affection and tries to tell the man what to do to ease this pain, the man however views this direction as taking his manhood and refuses to give in and what develops where once grew beautiful love is a mess. “Events that precipitate a "loss of innocence" are causes for
the death of the honeymoon period. Your first major fight with
her is a perfect example. When we start to date and fall in love, we tend to
ignore characteristics about a woman that annoy us. Women of course, do the same”[2] What is even more fascinating
is this is that this is the ultimate POWER switch moment. See
until this moment he has been in hot pursuit of her. He has given his A game and she has been in
control, allowing him to pursue and giving him positive feed back. Until now, now she has noticed a change in
his attention, or we can even call it a loss of her power over him so when put
into question three things can happen.
1)
If he truly cares
about her and realises that he has been slacking he will smarten up and put
forth the effort she deserves. It is not
giving her power it is actually acting to make her feel special, it is making her happy, which when
you truly care about someone is what you should want for them anyways.
2)
He will opt out. He will realise that he does not wish to try
with her, because of a million reasons.
In this particular instance you let him go, because really if he is not
the man you need to make you happy than you should not force it. And if you do moments of unhappiness will be plentiful....
3) He tries to opt out but you compromise your standards to keep him, and
this begins the snowball effect of laziness.
“Love is like dark chocolate. Although
it always leaves you with a bitter taste in your mouth, you will still be tempted
to take a bite the next time around.”
-Mother
Theresa
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Some of you may be reading this thinking there has to be a compromise. There is but it has to be meeting in the middle and realising the trivial things that make each other happy, are NOT TRIVIAL. For three years I asked Mr. X
to please wipe the crumbs off the counter.
The sink is literally one foot away from the damn crumbs he created and
it take the most minimal effort. Also, I
would ask him to please put his laundry in the hamper, not a foot away from the
hamper on the floor. For three years
these pleads fell on deaf ears. Now, of
course, there is compromise, I could easily live my life cleaning up after him
and try to be happy with the other qualities, but why? The truth is if he cannot do this most small, easy action because it
makes me happy than WTF. I am not asking
him to shave his beard, or not drink beer, I am not telling him not to go out all night and have a blast playing poker with the boys, I am not telling him that he cannot go to the strip joint with his coworkers, I am not telling him that we cannot
watch back to back episodes of his manly show that drives me crazy, I am not
trying to do anything that takes away from his happiness all I was asking is
for the simplest action that indicates that he hears me. The same with the texting thing mentioned
above I am not asking for Player #1 to account for his weekend whereabouts, I
am not asking him to text me all day long every day, I am not asking for
anything more than a two second text that is thoughtful. I am realistic and
realise the honeymoon period can not last forever, but there are certain things
that about it that can. Also, if all
your girlfriend is asking for is something so small to make her happy and you
are not willing to do it to make her happy, then you do not deserve her. She is a woman who deserves someone who will
offer her the moon to make her happy, and lets face it if you are reading this
and relating to maintaining your manhood by denying her happiness, well, then
it is not you. And, if you are reading
this and thinking, oh well if it is so trivial than she should just get over
it. Think again, we all have our things
that make us happy and unhappy. If you
have realised some little, trivial thing makes your partner unhappy but you do
it because in your opinion said thing is stupid, than you are an ass. Just kidding, but not really, you are putting
your opinions above your partners opinions and if it is just over some damn
crumbs than seriously get your act together and take a second to wipe them
up. Your girlfriend probably does a
million amazing things for you every day that you do not even realise so these
small, trivial acts actually mean the world to her.
"If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be
amazing. If she's worth it, you won’t give up. If you give up, you're not
worthy.”
-Bob Marley
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I ran my first half marathon on Sunday. It was an amazing feeling of accomplishment! And
my sister came to support me with three different signs en route which made me
feel very special. There comes a point
when you have to look at your life and think of all the good in it. No matter who you are! I look at mine and
think, I have a great career, I am a (half) marathon runner, I volunteer with a
great organisation, I am a good friend and treat people right. Once you have these revelations about
yourself. Your positive affirmation may
be that you are a great mother, who is also a hot yoga master and is a good dancer,
or perhaps your are a wife who teaches belly dancing and enjoys sewing, your
accomplishments can be a variety of things that are important to you. Think about all your positive traits that
make your life complete, then put them into perspective of your relationships demands
and you will realise if you are asking more of your partner than you are able
to give. I believe strongly that you
should ask for what you want. Do what
makes you happy, and never settle for someone who does not respect you and your
needs. Be bold, be brave, be confident,
be whatever you want to be, cause those requests that someone thought were
ludicrous, another will find completely reasonable, in fact you may not even
ever have to even ask because someone out there will just be that way
already. There are so many great men out
there, refuse to settle, refuse to give in to a life time of being taken for
granted and years worth of no presents! stand up against the lull into dating laziness. Refuse to be pressured by doubting what
actions make you happy, stand up for what you know you are worth. The truth of
the matter is, not that the man who falls into laziness is not worth finding
love or not smart enough to keep yours, it is just that the woman he needs to
be with is not a woman who has the same standards as you. Give him a chance to figure out if your
standards are in his comfort zone, and if they are not move on gracefully. Remember, it is better to be single and happy
than taken and miserable.
All pictures from:
[1] Lawrence
Mithcell “The Honey Moon is Over, Now What?”
Ask Men (http://ca.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_60/84b_dating_tips.html)
[2] Ibid.
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