Singlehood is NOT Leprosy

"That's right, I'm single, and your are going to have to be amazing to change that."
-Unknown

A while back I experienced marital discrimination, and I really wanted to blog about it, but I had so many thoughts in this pretty little head that I could not find the time, until now!  I was officially rejected from friend status by a married woman because as she said “I am not friends with single people, nor do I have any desire to be.”  WHAT?!? As ludicrous as marital discrimination sounded to my ears the more I researched the more I realized that marital discrimination is something that is apparently more common than one would think.  Of course this discrimination also stung a little, as I very much enjoy the single life and have friends from all walks of life who accept me just I am.  But as usual any form of rejection stings. "You see, no one is supposed to be single. If we are, we must account for our deficiencies."(1)  So while I was nursing this new bruise to my ego I used this moment to research why some people are so cruel to singles and it would appear I am not alone.  Even  "In the world through which we move, increasingly, we do not expect our relationships to endure. Increasingly, our relative affluence and advances in new technology allow us to live comfortably alone.

Increasingly, this is what we seem to be doing: we are choosing to live alone. We need stories not about how to become couples. They are legion. We need stories about how to be single, and how to be kept amazed and awake by a joy of our own manufacture." (2)  Being single had never come to me as a reason for rejection to be honest among women in particular thus

the following are three reasons why taken people like to flock with their own in my personal experience:

"I really enjoy being single again. I spent a lot of time in a relationship and the nearer we came to the end, the more difficult it got. You don't see things clearly as long as you're still involved." -Dido Armstrong

1)     Singlehood is contagious, like leprosy.  I have to tell you I was actually accused of causing multiple break ups which I had nothing to do after my last break up.  A woman friend of mine actually said to me “Well after your break up it just seemed like everyone else was breaking up everywhere.”  WHAT?!? What a ludicrous thing to say to someone, like my break ups have any effects on other break ups? They do not.  Here is the thing, PEOPLE BREAK UP.  It happens everyday ALL AROUND THE WORLD.  Men and women (men and men, women and women, etc.) fall into, and out of love all the time, the ebb and flow of my romantic life is not a precursor for others, as much as I would love to pretend the world revolves around me some days, in reality it does not.  My heartbreak was not the beginning of  a domino effect for others it was just a moment in time in a series of unfortunate events which happened to coincide with other couples breaking up.   I will be honest when the two above mentioned comments hit me I was speechless (which is a rarity) I had to think for a moment if I had somehow done something wrong by choosing not to look for love and just be happy with my life.  Of course, I soon realized that being single is actually not a communicative disease, it is a lifestyle and a damn good one at that.

"I have stepped off the relationship scene to come to terms with myself. I have spent most of my adult life being 'someone's girlfriend', and now I am happy being single."
-Penelope Cruz

2)     All single people are homewreckers.  Jealousy there you are again! Of course when I consoled in my friends they told me she was just jealous that I would steal her husband away.  What a mental way of looking at friends.  "More interesting psychologically is the possibility that the couples who ask demeaning questions of single people are doing so not because they are so secure in their status as couples but because they are so insecure. They find single people threatening"(3) I am not sure where this vision of single women as sultry seductresses came from but I do not show up to a dinner party darned in revealing clothing and proceed to drink tequila and try and fuck everything in sight regardless of wedding bands.  No.  I am actually very good at adapting to every situation and would most likely be the formally dressed girl with the amazing Martha Stewart dish who mainly chats to the women, thank you very much.  I have never come onto any married man in my life, nor would I, while I may not desire to walk down the isle myself that does not mean I do not have respect for vows.  Many of you may think that this is very noble of me but I would like to tell you it mainly spawns out of me being greedy.  I will never be the OTHER anything, other woman, other friend, other blah, blah, blah.  In love I will be all or nothing there is no OTHER for this gal. 

"Too many women throw themselves into romance because they're afraid of being single, then start making compromises and losing their identity. I won't do that."
-Julie Delpy

3)     Marriage is not fun." Laura Kipnis, in Against Love, has a chapter called Domestic Gulag, and the prison rules a couple must follow:

·        You can't leave the house without saying where you are going

·        You can't not say what time you will return

·        You can't leave the bathroom door open - it's offensive

·        You can't leave the bathroom door closed

·        You can't have secrets" (4)
Well, doesn't a life full of rules and regulations sound great?  If this is your mentality than you are married to the wrong person.  There is some notion that marriage is boring and dull, sort of robotic among our society and that single life is full of joy and vibrant.  All life is vibrant! If you feel this way about your partner and you are worried that having single friends will expose this truth than that is terrible.  I have a lot of fantastic married couples that bring out the best in one another.  Here is the thing again, you have to find someone that is your perfect fit.  There are all kinds of couples in this world: Polygamous, swingers, monogamous, polyandrous, etc.  As my grandma always says “It takes all kinds to make the world go round”  So if you feel that your marriage is lacking in something to the point where you exclude others based on marital status than you should re-examine what that is.  Truth be told I do not judge others on their marital choices so this double standard is really not fair.  "Single people – especially happy and successful single people – threaten their worldview that assures them that to be happy, you need to be coupled. If single people are doing just fine, then maybe there is no inherent superiority to being coupled."(5) Both coupledom and singlehood have their ups and downs of course, but the thing is happiness is capable of living in each to the same extent.  

"Being single is better than feeling alone in a relationship.
-Unknown"

In closing, "I want to describe myself more positively and not against some grain that abrades both me and anyone else who believes and lives differently...Perhaps we are too honest to be coupled. Perhaps we cannot tell another person: 'I love only you. And I will love you forever."(6) I have supported all my friends marital status moments without insult.  When they get married I find a nice card, gift whatever, I do not point out to them the high ratio of divorce.  When they get divorced I am a shoulder for them to cry on and when their children enter the first day of kindergarten I listen to their stories.  There is no judgement on my behalf for their marital choices, and yet when my single stature is introduced it is more often than not followed with a "You will meet the perfect guy one day." Uh-huh.  Even if such a creature existed my life is actually pretty spectacular just the way it is.  I am tired of being racked over the societal norms coals because I chose to live on my own out of wedlock.  So here is the thing we should all try, if you are married do not tell your friend how much better her life will be once in a partnership, try and tell her how great her life is now, because the truth is there may never be a happily ever after with a prince charming, but there is definitely a happily ever after you just have to find it.

Lastly, these next few weeks are going to be wild for me, next week I run my first half marathon, followed by a five day trip to see Player #1 and go to an outdoor music festival followed by Santa Monica with Ms. A.  I have a feeling I will come back with A LOT to blog about and hopefully nothing but positive memories.  I will keep you posted! XO 

References: 

1) "Viewpoint: Why are couples so mean to single people?" James Friel (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20219349)
2) Ibid.
3) "Are Couples Mean to Singles?" Bella DePaulo Ph.D http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201211/are-couples-mean-singles
4) "Against Love" Laura Kipnis (Random House: Toronto) 2003 First Edition
5)  "Viewpoint: Why are couples so mean to single people?" James Friel (http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20219349)
6) Ibid. 

All pictures from: 
https://www.google.ca/search?q=pictures+of+being+single&rlz=1C1SFXN_enCA522CA526&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=kEi2UZazK6vqiwKKwoDIDw&ved=0CC0QsAQ&biw=817&bih=464