How we Deal

I have blogged about this before but due to some recent further complications it is time again for blog therapy.  As you know my father has a very rare muscle degenerating disease called Inclusion Body Miosytis.  The following are three issues which are the struggle: 

1) Frustration.  Beyond the frustration of not being able to have a career and be closer to my family and the fact that even if I was it wouldn't change a damn thing is the frustration of the evolution of disease.  This week his eyes stopped focusing as one which means he has double vision.  For a man who eats with a large spoon because he cannot make a fist and can only half way lift his good arm from his wheel chair this is a fate most unfortunate.  Disease is frustrating because it goes on its cruel routine and it little by little destroys someone and there is no way to prepare for what comes next.

2) Terrible things happen to amazing people.  People often say good things happen to good people which in a way suggests the opposite happens to bad.  This is just a crock that people tell you to be kind to each other which you should in general just to be a human being.  You can be good until the cows come home and it won't make a lick of difference.  Cancer won't care, muscle degeneration won't care, disease doesn't care who it widdles away into nothing.  My dad  has a heart of gold, wrapped in precious stones.  He is a good father and person and bad things happen to incredible people.

3) It is okay to be sad.  I recently came to grips with the fact that it is okay to tell people I am having an emotional day because my dad isn't doing very well.  This is actually part of human nature.   Loving your father and being heart broken that he is ever so slowly dying before your eyes is a tragedy that is sad. And I cry and I ask the universe what the point of it all is and I lean on my girlfriends for kind words because it is okay to cry.  It is tough to hear about his pain and struggle and all we can do is lean in to our emotions and stay strong.

This is how we deal.  We feel and we cherish every second with the ones we love.  We love like hell while there is love to be had and we look forward to good days.  Thanks for reading. 

I'll have a blue Christmas without you.

As I was driving downtown over the bridge enjoying Christmas tunes on the radio the song "Last Christmas" by Wham came on and I realized this year is the first Christmas I am single in almost a decade.  I am not going to lie to you Christmas is a very romantic time of year.  Horse carriage rides around sparkling Christmas lights, hot cocoa, cuddles by a lit fire and constant proposal announcements on social media are all enough to drive any sane single person to the brink of desperation.  BUT! Rather than get defeated by a commercialized holiday I choose the following three tips to prevent me from eating all contents of fridge while longing for a real life Mark Darcy.

1) Try something new.  I tried swing and blues dancing and it was the best thing I could have done on a Saturday night.  Do not give into the urge to sit at home alone eating Christmas bonbons and watching The Holiday (which I have also done).  Get out of your comfort zone and socialize with new people and experience new things.  And, yes, while the holidays are prime full of couple activities they are also just as full of fun events and things to try.  Go to a cooking class, or Christmas fair, or Light Show, or even better go skiing and spa-ing with a friend.  As long as you stay busy meeting people and having fun I promise the loneliness lingering in boredom will not get you.

2) Think of all the money and time you have.  Being single around the holidays is actually a blessing.  While I do enjoy seeing all the adorable pictures of everyone getting their real Christmas trees I also think "Man who has the time to go to the Christmas tree farm, and agree on a tree, and then transport it home, and then decorate it?".  Not to mention all the money this costs all just to have it up for a week.  However, no one expects you to have a tree if you are a single woman.  In fact no expects you to do anything when you are single at Christmas time which is so relaxing! Do you know what I did on the weekend.  Wrapped the few gifts I have for my small family, visited friends, watched Netflix and ate nachos.  The past ten years had been full of making sure I had all the cards out to both of the family members for the men in my life and myself, and to make sure I had all the gifts and that they were perfectly wrapped and then to make sure the house was decorated (and of course pictured on social media so that everyone knows what an adorable Christmas we were having)...and to be honest it was exhausting!! This year I can take a deep breath and just roll with single girl problems which are really far and few between.

• 3) Listen to uplifting music and share Christmas cheer.  You know what is a lot of fun, taking your over weight pug to get his picture taken with Santa and then getting this gem of a memory made into a card for your co-workers because it makes them laugh! Then listening to fun upbeat Christmas songs on the way home.  Spread joy because it will make you happy I promise.  So get out and make people happy, I promise you will smile!  Go to the neighbor you noticed has no family this time of year and give them the cookies, donate that box full of canned food to a family in need, give your time, smile and treats to someone this holiday season and it will bring you into the joy of what Christmas is all about.

The truth of the matter is that there are all kinds of people living all kinds of lifestyles and while some Christmas songs and movies make us want to share this holiday season with someone romantically, love comes in all forms.  Try and open yourself up to new friendships, new smiles and new experiences and don't get blue during this time of year.  Thanks for reading! XO

Dear Creeps...No Thank You.

Not all blogs will be upbeat and friendly because some days you get overwhelmed by the amount of men who are just creeps out there. The following are three creepy trends that are unacceptable.

1. No dick pics – ever. I don’t know how many times I have to say this and yet some assh#le always feels inclined to send me the same disgusting picture of his messy room with his hand holding his member and
nothing else. Let me just set the record straight here once and for all, this is not sexy. I have included in this blog sexy pictures of men for your reference. I don't understand how men can receive sexy pictures of women in lingerie posing and trying to look their best and their response is here is my weird looking member. You can easily wake up in the morning and send me a cute picture of your bed head with a "thinking of you" text. This is far more sexy than the former on any day of the week. The worst part of these over sharing porno pics is that they come from strangers. Literally, you are having a normal conversation with someone about the day and then BAM there is a dick in your face. And, to be honest even if the messages are indicative of a sexual nature DO NOT assume a girl wants this kind of photo unless she full on states she wants that kind of a photo. Maybe, and this is a HUGE maybe I might one day ask for a random picture of some strangers penis but until that day just don't.

2. Lazy. "Netflix and Chill" is the worst trend to hit dating since Tinder. Don’t be so f#cking lazy. I am so tired of men inviting me to their place or out in their neighborhood. Seriously? Could you put any less effort in? No, no you could not. I don’t know whatever happened to picking a girl up from her home and driving to a location to eat food and dropping her off but somewhere between a real date we ended up with "Netflix and Chill" and it is just ridiculous. Like I am some kind of desperate women just waiting
around for a man to invite me over. You may as well just out right say "do you want to come to my house and bang?" To which I would just leap at the chance right after I drop off my self-esteem and respect on the floor. Ya right! Here is a crazy idea respect women. Pick up a boquet of flowers and pick her up at her house. Plan an evening out that doesn't involve your d*ck and actually have a conversation. Drop her off at the end of the night without any expectations and text her later that evening to say you had a good time. It is really not rocket science it is common sense.

3.Proposition me for sex. Yes this is a real and irritating issue. If I just want sex I will exit my house and get it, piece of cake. However, at this age I am actually seeking something more. Don't get me wrong
casual sex has its place in this world and I am not knocking it. But, I am worth way more than drunk wanna be booty calls, then random stranger Facebook messages, than a man who just wants to hit it and quit it. I feel sad that there are women in this world that degrade themselves to be used by men because they feel that is the treatment that gives them attention. But, I mainly just feel down right irritated that men feel that it is appropriate to suggest I have sex with them when I barely know them and don't want that at all. Here is a WILD and crazy idea if I want to have sex with you I will ask you. It is pretty simple. Try the date advice I have offered in the above number 2 and your chances will be seriously increased of ever getting a home run I mean really why do I even have to write this post and be annoyed by this behaviour? R-E-S-P-E-C-T, try getting some for women and then talking to me.

And yet if you say no to any of these disturbing behaviours you are the uptight b#tch, and you know what? I would much rather be a b#tch than the kind of women who sells herself short to be used by the kind of total creeps described above. Furthermore if you are reading this thinking it is you, than guess what? You are
a creep and you should seriously reconsider the way you treat women. Thanks for reading.

Where for Art thou Alpha Male?

When people ask me what happened in my most recent break up.   I look them dead in the eye and say "He just couldn't handle all the woman I am. " Truth.  I am a confident, driven, successful woman and this is nothing to be ashamed of.  I used to believe I should date beta males to try and "correct" my strong personality.  But, there is nothing to "correct."  The following are four traits of my unicorn a.k.a the alpha male. 

 1) Success is their middle name.  But it is beyond their own personal success.  They love success so much they crave it for everyone! They surround themselves with successful people.  They see the potential in others and don't waste their time with excuses or people that aren't trying their best in this life. 

2) They build people up.  With their healthy confidence they share their positive outlook. I use to get confused by this.  I thought arrogance was confidence but this lead me to date douches who had unhealthy confidence. A true alpha male doesn't break people he helps others. 

3) They have beautiful ideas!! They plan dates and they aren't afraid to surprise you with a reservation at a new India fusion restaurant or a meal they cooked.  They try new things and read up on current events because that is what makes them a champ.  

4) They don't fear confrontation.  Confrontation to them is part of growth, exchange of ideas, etc. They are not afraid to say no and offer other solutions.  Alpha males understand that facing confrontation and working through such things are part of life.   They never give up where they have failed and are willing to have the same conversations. 

Alpha males are few and far between.  I have met men who I thought were alpha males but they were wolves in lion's clothing.  I have met a few alpha males in my life, but never had the pleasure of dating one...yet.  At this point they are like a mystical creature, the unicorn, that I hope to one day catch the eye of.  Thanks for reading. XO

Someone That I Use To Know

Do you ever find yourself in a conversation with someone you use to know and you realize how much you really don't care? About the person, the situation, the conversation, about it all.  You self actualize how over it you truly are and how strong you have become. You learn all the things you don't ever want because they were all the things you had with them. The following are three traits which fell through the cracks in my heart during its last break which are never welcome back.

1) Pit feelings.  Truth time.  The American and I should have never moved in together.  I had this dark, unsettled feeling deep in my stomach when he moved in.  But, I talked myself out of these intuitive emotions and convinced myself we were meant to be.  I should have trusted my gut.  I should have listened to what my head was trying to scream down to my heart.  But the heart is ignorant to anything logical and it leads you to all kinds of places where it gets broken into a million little pieces.  Moving forward I will always trust this gut feeling.   If you are interested in human intuition read Malcolm Gladwell's "Blink."

2) An extrovert can be happy with an introvert.  NOPE.  I can tell you an extrovert will cancel plans they wanted to keep, avoid social outings and struggle convincing their partner to come out if they try to make a go with an introvert.  Sorry introverts but an extrovert will never be happy in your shut in world.  They will feel judged for wanting to be social and sad because they are losing themselves.  For an extrovert to truly flourish and be happy you should date another just like you.  You will feed off each other's energies and strengthen on another rather than the opposite.  Trust me I know.

3) Not worthy. I have touched on this before.  A very happily married friend of mine said "never stay if he makes you feel like you are not worth it" Earth to future self please remember this one.   Rather than say adios to men that make me feel like I am not good enough I got it in my head that I should prove to them I am worthy.  Sigh (shaking head). I am actually worth it so I am really working on being strong on this point.   Anyone who criticizes you and wants you to change can take a hike.

It is so interesting that one must break.   Be broken into tiny shattered pieces and in putting those peices back together you realize there are tragic peices that never belonged as part of your puzzle.  They are dull and painful pieces that you leave out when you stitch yourself back together.  These spaces where the dull pieces use to be formed gaps which are stitched together with beautiful sparkling self actualizing string, these spots shine brighter in your soul to remind you are better and stronger now.  It is not forgetting your memories but recognizing the negative taint of those memories and getting healthy and happy again.  Thanks for reading. XO.  

Out of the Darkness

Alright, last lesson to pass on from The American.  When he threw my heart in the waste bin he said he didn't want to be around someone who drank like a 21 year old.  Aside from his comment and my dear dad also telling me that one day alcohol had to get gone I decided to give it up.  Here are three lessons sobriety has taught me.

1) I feel great!! I didn't realize how sh#t drinking made me feel until I cut it out of my life for two weeks.  Week one I didn't really notice but by week two I noticed everything was better.  Food, mornings, working out.  Everything felt a little more alive.  Every passing week I feel physically better.  I lost weight and read a lot about how alcohol effects metabolism.  I replaced happy hour with spin classes. My skin started to get a glow.  Every second of every day just feels better.

2) Emotions are good.  Alcohol was definitely keeping my demonds in the dark.  It distracted me from loneliness, anger, sadness.  The truth is these feelings are not so bad.  Feeling them is actually better than numbing them away.  Numbing them made them come back with a vengeance and caused me to be totally unbalanced.  I now have emotional clarity.  Stability.  Happiness.  I am not afraid to feel what I need to, to learn what I need to learn about myself and continuously grow.  Alcohol was stunting me as a person.

3) I have confidence again and I mean real, clear, beautiful confidence. No hazy weekends making me self conscious. No uncertainty of embarrassing flirtations.   No more useless numbers in my cell that never go anywhere except make me doubt my self worth. All the negative mental seeds planet by alcohol have been uprooted and are gone.  They have been replaced by gorgeous clear and conscious decisions which  have rewarded me with confidence and for this I am grateful.

 I should clarify that I was a weekend warrior primarily.  I would have fun on the weekends but I realized that alcohol brought nothing positive to my life so I am turning over a new leaf.  Thanks for reading. XO

Funked

A series of unfortunate events from family stress to fully and finally rebounding to being stood up tossed me down the emotional low rabbit hole.  I got in a real funk and was desperate to pull myself out of it.  But, it just wasn't letting me, so rather than fight it I went with it and learned the following important lessons:

1) Sadness is a part of life. I was trying to go a million miles and distract myself from my reality rather than feel sad for a few days.  Sadness is really looked down upon, everyone is always telling us to smile and look at the bright side and somehow it had got me to identifying sadness as a bad thing.  But, it isn't.  It feels terrible but if you let it run its course you will be stronger for it.  

2) Learn what you can.  I learned that extreme positivism is the most irritating way to try and help someone in a funk.  My girlfriends have told me this about the way I am.  One of them said "I just want you to listen and not give me a bunch of solutions." To which I thought she didn't mean it because giving her solutions was helping and helping was caring, etc.  Until on Friday I experienced exactly what they found so irritating.  While stewing in my negativity my dad kept texting me positive life affirmations.  Rather than snap at him I realized while his intentions were the purest they came across as him not listening.  I told him that he had just taught me something valuable. 

3) Things have to change.  I touched on this briefly in my previous post about no longer pursuing men.  But, my change has to be larger than this.  Getting funked was a greater indicator that I needed to really look with in myself and my life and improve all the aspects I didn't see as favorable.  I want to call my grandmother more, drink less wine, never smoke again, not meet men at pubs, save more money, travel more, do more fun activities (like cooking dinner) together with my friends and exercise more.   I realized the only true way to say goodbye for good to the funk was to change my life.  So this is what I am working on. 

See I don't think that you should never get in a funk, but I do think once you feel yourself through it you need to focus on what you have learned and why.  Be honest with yourself.  My funk made me realize I had come out of focus and was making old mistakes again.  Everyone is a work in progress. 

Thanks for reading. XO

The Chase

I was doing it wrong.  So I blogged before about the excitement of the chase and how I actively have pursued men with out regret that I was the hunter.  That is when I realized this mentality is why I never get flowers, and I always have to come up with date ideas and in general have attracted duds.  The following are three reasons you should let yourself be pursued.

1) Hello confidence, you sexy beast! You know what is the best feeling? When someone puts effort in.  When they tell you they want to get to know you, or take you out or that you are gorgeous! Being chased by a love interest is one of the best feelings.  Being asked out makes your heart skip a beat in a special way that we all deserve to feel more.

2) For some reason when a man chases a woman it is typical but when a woman chases a man she looks desperate and clingy.  There is something so stressful about putting out a text and then waiting for a response while your inner lunachick begins to coach you into doing more grand acts to influence him to spend time with you.  Easy boots!!! Don't chase him and see what happens.

3) Relax.  I touched on this about the expectations of dating.  Some how when I start chasing a love interest it lays the groundwork for a major dysfunctional relationship.  A relationship where I hold all the stress, decisions, pressures, worries and somehow I become the only one working on things.   But, not any longer.  Now I am going with the flow and letting the chase take me where I need to be.  What is that old saying - you cannot expect things to change if you keep doing the same thing.

So I am trying a whole new approach to recognizing my self worth and seeing where being the hunted will take me.   The truth is I always thought If I didn't give it my all I might miss out.  BUT! I recently realized if a man doesn't give it his all he is missing out on me, and that is a lot to miss out on.  Thanks for reading XO

Your Ex has a new future Ex

Everyday I read my horoscope.  Not because I believe in it, but because I find it the best part of the depressing newspaper.  On the full moon I read I was going to have a love epiphany.  And, miraculously I actually did.  The American has a new girlfriend, which of course brought up the subtle sensation that I was not good enough as he ripped my heart out and moved on.  But, then while commuting yesterday I figured it out.   Here is what I learned:

1) He is missing out.  That is right, I am worth it.  I always felt like I needed to change myself, to better myself to keep a man but then I realized, enough.  There is nothing wrong with the strong and beautiful woman I am. Any man that ever makes you feel you need to change isn't man enough to handle all the woman you are.

2) A little effort please.  Due to the self shaming mentioned above and my views on gender equality I put in way too much effort.  In doing so I didn't get any of the things I wanted emotionally.  The compliments, the passion, the everything.  I got stuck swimming upstream with duds because rather than see the warning signs I tried to fix them.   Not anymore.  From now on I take the red lights as exactly that.

3) Duds - why do I always find them.  My dad actually said yesterday "You have a real knack for picking them." Seriously.  So I got to thinking why? And realized I am always so comfortable with duds.  They are usually intrigued by my career and hobbies and I always assumed that men winning in life would not be.   Then I realized I was doing my love life all wrong.  A man who is successful will be a perfect match for me.

So it all came to perfect sense that I couldn't expect to find Mr. Amazing if I kept falling for the wrong guys at the wrong time who treated me wrong.  Don't get me wrong! I am still into dating culture but just taking it to a new level with new confidence and standards.  Thanks for reading. XO

Dating - You're Doing It Wrong

Remember when dating use to be fun? When you went on a date for the pure and simple reason of going on a date?  When you had casual sex because it feels amazing?  When you tried a new restaurant with a stranger and it was a fun night? We somehow with age have forgotten dating culture.  It became all about the strings attached.  We somehow can't even have a glass of wine with a person of interest without questioning if he didn't want a relationship, marriage, kids and the white picket fence then why did he waste my time and that is absurd.  The following are three reasons you should stop forcing the strings and enjoy your love life 

1) It is never a waste of time. Somehow in our thirties we see dates as wastes of time if they don't lead anywhere.  The truth is you probably had a laugh, a free meal, an awkward kiss maybe even.  You had a date. You shared a moment in time with another human being who wanted that with you.   This is never a waste of anything.

2) You want different things in the future. Ya, great.   But guess what? This isn't the future.  This is the right here and the right now.  Another truth: you could spend a year making awesome memories with another human being (or multiple humans) before you meet your Mr. Right.  Or you could spend that time sulking around, crying over how no man wants to put a ring on it right away.  I don't know about you but I far prefer the former.  Stop. Trying. To. Live. For.  The. Future.  Take a chance on having a good time.

3) Stop forcing the issue.  If you have to chase anyone they aren't interested.  I see so many women putting in all their efforts and then upset when the man backs away.  I get it, you want to show how much you can give but you are killing dating culture.  Go with the flo and stop trying to control your love interest if he is interested he will come around, if not move on gracefully.

Dating should be a blast.  It should be full of awkward moments and strange nights out and laughable stories. It should be light hearted and wonderful.  Have fun with it. If you are meant to meet Mr. Right you will, but until then quit looking in wide eyed wonder at every man like he might be him.  Try viewing them as Mr. Rightnow and go from there.  Thanks for reading!! XO

Single and Fabulous

It took 1597 kms, margaritas and a tattooed man ten years younger than me to say it for me to finally realize I worry too much.  And for what? I was worrying about people judging me for not having a successful relationship at my age, for not being married, for being childless, for not owning my own place...etc.  Then suddenly as I looked into his gorgeous blue eyes as he said "Don't worry about it" I finally realized I needed to stop worrying so much. The following are three reasons I am not worrying anymore about being single:

1) It is a lot of fun.  You know what I love?  Doing what I want, when I want to.  I can stay out all night, or veg out Netflixing the day away and no one is the wiser.   I can book a vacation and go.  I can try a new restaraunt and eat whatever I want.  Single is freedom and it is so much fun. I see so many unhappily coupled people trying desperately to appease on another and I am very happy to be on my own.  I previously blogged about breakfast choices, but from now on I will order two damn breakfasts, because who cares!

2) It's raining men, hallelujah!! I once got four numbers in one night, club hopping and one of them was on my short walk from the club to the Seabus.  Men are so wonderful aren't they? In their dress shoes, with their muscular arms and smelling so fresh.  I love them. Their flirtations are so confidence boosting.  The more men that smile and adore you the better you begin to feel.  They have a way of making you smile that only a cute face can do.

3) Girls, girls, girls.  You know what I miss? All my girlfriends that have forgotten me because they went skipping hang in hand into love and married life with their man.  But!! I now have all the time in world to be with my people. Other fabulous single ladies!! It is so awesome to spend quality time with my ladies as they compliment you and agree without judgement that your fabulous single life is just that, fabulous!

At the end of the day I am so much happier and fit with a clean house when I am single. When people tell me not to worry because I will meet someone.  I laugh and say hopefully not! Relationships are not for me. It took all this time for me to finally realize that is totally okay.  I am done chasing an expectation for myself, from now on I am just going to enjoy who I am.  Fabulous and single.  Thanks for reading! XO