What The Cat Would Say

Honesty moment:

I bit off more than I can chew with the topic for this week and I am not done developing it.  My apologies!! But, in order to keep a post up for this week I have decided to write a quick and hopefully funny post about how the cat would view our home.

“Oh, you can't help that,' said the cat. 'We're all mad here.” 
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

Enjoy the following:
Cat Dialogue:

"It is the fifth lunar eclipse since I have been trapped by my tall, hairless captors.  I will celebrate the turning of time by dashing across the house all night as my people do to celebrate astrological occurrences.  My captors will no doubt join me, as they typically do, yelling and spraying water from the small pink bottle which they often use to celebrate my customs.   While this will be a joyous and strange occurrence it will not distract me from the the hierarchy of this strange place,  and will depart my knowledge now to you:

"The proper order of things is often a mystery to me. You, too?" 
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

1) Unfortunately, it appears that I am at the bottom of the society here in the land of apartment 402. I am sure of this as I have been locked out of the room with the window over looking the park.  While the rest of my society congregates in this room when the sun sets I am not allowed in this room for these occasions. I will continue to protest by knocking items off the kitchen counter throughout the night and meowing at sunrise at the door until I am met by negotiations in the form of what I have come to learn is 'wet food.'  I am further aware of my low status as I have been given only dead mice to play with.  In truth, they are not even  real dead mice but cloth toys! IMAGINE! a cat with no mice.  I continue to make my acknowledgement of this disrespect known by pooping immediately after my litter box has been cleaned and kicking litter as far as the eye can see.

"Meow, baby."
-Cheshire Cat (1985 TV Alice and Wonderland) 

2) The middle class or next level of society in the land of 402 would be the gate keepers.  My captors come in a matching female and male pair, I have come to learn most gatekeepers come in pairs of two, I have concluded this gives them strength in numbers, they are clever captors.   My captors seem to approach all life things with a good cop/ bad cop attitude, fortunately I have watched many TV crime dramas and have learned this is the custom to breaking prisoners. (On a side note: You may also want to watch these programs they have taught me many of my captors weaknesses, and, most importantly, that the cat is never a suspect.)  My female captor is the good cop and my  male captor appears to be the bad cop.  While their methods of outnumbering me are successful they will often use other tactics to distract my escape attempts such as delicious candy which they lure me into by shaking a small bag.  There is something which pulls me to this bag that I have accredited to witch craft, these thoughts are furthered by their use of a small red glowing dot which has powers of invisibility which they taunt me with daily.  But, they do not stop there! These captors are not above subduing me with a terribly addictive drug which I have come to crave as nip.

“And how do you know that you're mad? "To begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. You grant that?" I suppose so, said Alice. "Well then," the Cat went on, "you see a dog growls when it's angry, and wags it's tail when it's pleased. Now I growl when I'm pleased, and wag my tail when I'm angry. Therefore I'm mad.” 
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass

3) My captors appear to worship another creature in our land which I have come to know as dog.  Dog has mind control powers and appears to be able to talk to the humans.  He controls them not only into give him treats for performing simple tasks, such as sitting or laying down.  He often shows off his powers of mind control as he makes the captors let him in and then out, and then in and then out, and then in and then out, the forbidden door.  Dog does not run away when let out, but who would when they have two servants to they control.  Further, my captors appear to go to a place they call 'work' which I have deduced they do for dog.  More often than not my captors have spoken of the things that they must pay for to have dog. Dog on the other hand sleeps most of the day and does not work, thus he is the top of this hierarchy.  They are so dedicated to dog they hire replacement servants when they have gone away, unfortunately, these replacements double as my captors, there is no relief.   I have seen my captors follow dog constantly in the unknown space through the forbidden door, doting on him and yet never walking with him, always a few steps behind chained to him, thus I conclude that dog is their master.  If this behavior was not enough Dog has two beds, one enormous bed which he appears share generously with the captors in the room I am forbidden from,   and one normal bed he takes daily naps in, TWO beds, the luxury, imagine.  While in conversations with dog he came off as highly not intellectual this must be his cover to maintain the hierarchy."

Sorry again for not having my usual post.  Hope you enjoyed this one!! Till next week! XO

5 Signs You Are 30

Thirty was so strange for me. I’ve really had to come to terms with the fact that I am now a walking and talking adult. -C.S. Lewis

Taking a quick break from the usual blogging about relationships to reveal some trends I have noticed when it comes to being in my 30s.  Recently while sitting at a pub (which was apparently quite hip) I found myself asking my girlfriend why the music had to be so loud...then it hit me.  I have changed.  There is something that has grown up out of me, my inner rebellious, immature, teen self is no more.  She has been replaced instead by a mature woman.  The following are 5 trends that indicate you are well on your way to the dirty thirties.

The only time you really live fully is from thirty to sixty. The young are slaves to dreams; the old servants of regrets. Only the middle-aged have all their five senses in the keeping of their wits. -Hervey Allen

1) Everything got louder.  As I mentioned above music everywhere seems too loud everywhere you go, AND it is not even that you find the music in pretty much all places to be over bearing it is actually that you and your friends begin conversations about how music does not need to be so loud at the pub...seriously?  (I have to laugh at myself here I know so cliche)  Suddenly where you go revolves around where you can actually hear yourself and your friends.  I justify this mentality with the following reasons: 1 - you have grown into friends worth listening too in your old age, 2 - you do not want your throat to be sore from yelling across the table because you have also grown into someone who has a lower tolerance of pain than your former 20 year old self and lastly 3 - the music blasted in pubs is not really worth blasting...in anyone's ear...ever.  Really have you heard top 40's of this year?  Your grown self also has come to know what good music is and that if you are no longer liking what the younger generation likes than you are officially no longer part of the younger generation.

Everything I know I learned after I was thirty. -Georges Clemenceau

2) You want to put sweaters on everything....in the past few years I have caught myself saying this a lot "It is not really shorts weather, I hope that girl does not get a cold."  I am my mother's daughter.   My mother use to force me to take sweaters everywhere and I was adamant that was not cool.  I guess not a lot has changed in the cool ratio of wearing sweaters.  The reason I have began to think all things should be warm and dry is COMFORT, oh yes, we have passed the threshold people!! Once you begin to view style as comfort you are officially beyond adolescence and coasting happy into your 30's.  Typically however, you find clothing that is both stylish and comfortable...and buy whatever items you are fortunate enough to find like this in every color for every day of the week.  Let's face it comfort and style are a girls best friend.

When you turn thirty, a whole new thing happens: you see yourself acting like your parents. -Blair Sabol

3) You tactfully say no.  Just the other day I saw a robust young man swearing in Starbuck's because his drink was taking so long and an elderly woman was waiting in front of him.  Appalling I know.  Then it donned on me.  The mouthy, rude, and what I considered rebellious days are long gone, the young college days of being walked on like a door mat because life was all new are also gone, which brings us to 30.  A delightful age where you have learned to kill with kindness, stand your ground and offer your opinion in a complimentary way.  It should be noted that tact is not a feat that all have mastered (sadly).

“Most people don't grow up. Most people age. They find parking spaces, honor their credit cards, get married, have children, and call that maturity. What that is, is aging.” 
― Maya Angelou

4) BABIES, BABIES, BABIES.  As most of you readers know I do not want children of my own.  But, I may be the only 30 something woman in the world with this view, just kidding I know there are a few more of you out there hiding out like the mythical unicorn!  Aside from these rare women, everyone and their dog are having BABIES, talking about babies, and labor, and pregnancy and labor and pretty much every single thought you thought you would never have is now the topic of lunch room conversation.  But, the endless supply of baby postings on social media is the cherry on the baby cake.  But, like all good things this baby craze will die down, the children will grow up and right when you think you are sailing into retirement cruises and life on the beach GRANDBABIES will be all your friends talk to you about.  Welcome to 30.

“I want to grow old without facelifts... I want to have the courage to be loyal to the face I've made. Sometimes I think it would be easier to avoid old age, to die young, but then you'd never complete your life, would you? You'd never wholly know you.” 
― Marilyn Monroe

5) You don't know what is cool.  Over the past two years I have also caught myself actually saying this "I am not sure, what is cool now a days? What do the kids like?"  Ummmm, hmmmm.  It appears as though I am my father's daughter.  True story when I was 16 my dad gave me the Tom Petty "Life is a Highway" album because he asked the woman in the CD shop what was cool....I did not even know who Tom Petty was at the time.  Thus once you have reached the point where you do not know what is "trending," or who is "hip" than you can pretty well welcome yourself to adulthood.  TRUE FACT: adults do not care what is cool.

So there you have it.  Welcome to the wonderful age of comfort, honesty, real connections, BABIES, being uncool, BABIES, enjoying life the way it is, BABIES and all the wonderful things that being this age means.  For me, my best life yet has been in my 30's and if life just keeps getting better than I cannot wait to see what 40 brings!
Thanks for reading!