Got Dumped?

So you may have guessed from the obvious title that yes HD kicked me to the curb.  And, while I am sure he thought he was doing me a favor feeding me b#llshit excuses in the end there is actually only one reason.  He just wasn't into me.  The following are three break up excuses I would like to blow holes through. 

1) It's me not you, is just about as  bad as I don't want to hurt you.  The only thing HD and men like him don't want is to continue dating you.  They use this excuse to take the blame.  And, maybe it is because they are nice but more likely it is because if they spoke the truth and said "Hey, you're great but I am not interested" they might die from an overload of reality.  

2) I don't know what I want.  Oh he knows.  Just like he knows what he wants to eat for breakfast in the morning.  And, yes I have time and time again fallen for this stupid line and pressed to see where things go only to hear it again because I may not be smart when it comes to matters of the heart.  Men know what they want, and what they want is to not date you.

3) I really like you but...if you hear this just hang up or don't read past the but.  Trust me if he actually liked you he wouldn't follow it with some lame break up line.  In fact if he likes you he will move mountains to be with you, not construct mountains between you.  Men say they like you so they look like the good guy.  Because to say "I don't like you" aka the truth is beyond the men I date.  To be honest and just say what they actually mean is apparently impossible.  Therefore saying the exact opposite of what they feel makes perfect sense.

Recap: where to begin with my latest failure.  I once again forgot I don't need to win someone over the right person will  not need that kind of treatment.  Basically HD led me to believe he was ready to have a relationship with me when he wasn't.  Important to note he is most likely ready for a relationship, the issue is the with me.  The more I think about it most things about him were a lie, from his profile to god knows what.  But, he sure was pretty.  Don't worry while I am irritated I won't give up.  Still have a few fish on the back burner I kept for a rainy day.  A girl has got to keep her options open after all.  Thanks for reading!! XO

Space, the final frontier...

Or the infamous words of Salt'n'Pepper "Push it"

The Push-Pull Effect, we have all experienced it on some level.  One moment you are sailing happily into the endless realm of what could be with your new man but suddenly he pulls the plug.  You are left with no wind your sail wondering what the hell happened.

1) Right in the feels.  Once again we learn that men and women process their emotions differently (shocking).  When women start to have feelings they feel happy and hopeful.  While it would appear as though some men freak out.  According to countless sources while women feel the beginnings of love and are able to handle this men have the opposite reaction.  There does not seem to be one solid basis to explain this reaction.  There were numerous discussion about this topic both with my friends and online and it appears when some men have feeling they are like "What the f#ck was that?"  They step back to process what they are feeling and why.  Don't worry either they will figure out it was their feelings working or they will run away, for your sake I always hope it is the former.

2) They have issues.  Yes, men have just as many issues from former heart break as their female counterparts which can often be difficult to understand for women.  In a society which constantly presses the matter as women have baggage and issues I assure you in your 30s there is no single serving of mancake that does not come with some left over icing he is sensitive about.  I think that point one (above) is heavily linked to this.  He starts to feel towards you and when he pulls away to think rather than remembering how fun falling in love can be he freaks out.  He suddenly remembers all the bad and the ugly and hurt and discomfort that comes with falling out of love.  He recalls his battles and reflects on his scars and the truth is some people are too broken to love.  They have been beaten into a million little pieces and they just cannot try, no matter how wonderful they are.

3) You went Crazytown.  Last but most definitely NOT least you pulled when he pulled or you pushed to hard.  Essentially picture a swinging door with a handle and two people trying to open it by pulling, it doesn't work.  Or when one person slams it open the other side is crushed and not happy.  I often struggle with not grabbing my bazooka and blasting through the door to see what solution can be found to help the person on the other side, pretty well obliterating any chance of anything surviving.  We are all a work in progress.  It is in our nature as someone we care about pulls away to try and pull them back to us.  We do all kinds of crazy things, and while all sources say when he pulls away let him I find this solution so insensitive.  Just let him process his emotions for sure but to just let him pull away and leave him is such a strange but apparently necessary approach.  According to men I spoke to and online sources men need time to miss you and come to their own conclusions about you without you getting their face.  While he pulls away you may want to pull him close and try everything in your power to keep him which is apparently the wrong course of action – this one I am still working on.  Space, some people need it.

Space is such a strange concept when all you want is to hear from your love interest and be near them.  While you may see them pulling away as them not feeling the same way it apparently does indicate they feel.  Sadly they just cannot process their feelings the way you are.  Rather than want to see you they want to protect themselves and you from this treacherous possibility of love.  Hang in there.  Some men are not going to be easy.  Thanks for reading! XO

If you want blood, you got it.

Ugh nothing is worse than your first disagreement hands down.  Suddenly the anxiety of joy over his first morning text is soured into wondering if you will hear from him again.  And, let's be honest you are not going to agree on everything and love the way you treat each other 24/7.  While most of your friends are in long term relationships they have completely forgotten the sensation of the first time you butt heads with your man.  While those women who are single have also forgotten that this too is part of the dating routine.  But, it is so essential to be blunt to have this moment.  It defines your entire relationship and brings out the level of respect you have for one another for the following three reasons.

1) You FINALLY disagreed.  The honeymoon period is so glorious that you really don't care to fret or worry and you just sail along sweet as honey until one day both of you have a bad day and maybe you haven't seen each other in a while and maybe a million small factors are adding up and they make you not as easy going with one another.  You come to a stand still.  And, it is entirely possible that one of you tries to deescalate the situation by making a joke which makes the other think they are not being taken seriously…release the hounds.  And, the first infraction is not important enough to actually get angry but it is enough to exchange words and apologies.  Congratulations! You are adults.  You disagreed on something that meant something to one, or both of you and you worked it out.  This is a HUGE step in the future of how you will interact upon disagreements.  If your disagreement ended with guilt, anger, someone's house on fire you are not passing this level very well.  If your disagreement ended with the exchange of apologies and feeling generally happy about the other person then you are doing pretty great.

2) R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  Nothing says respect like communication.  If you are able to come to a disagreement or an issue that makes you unhappy and hash it out you probably respect one another.  If you did not drag things out, place blame, retaliate with a master plan of revenge or any other semi-psychotic plan than you probably respect your partner.  I learned through losing The American not to drag things out, to apologize back and to focus on the good in a person.  I gained nothing by dragging things out, in my mind I thought I really had to prove my point but in the end it was a huge waste of time and energy.  But, this is too easy to do in the beginning.  You want to always be around your new beau so you quickly forgive and forget anything that isn’t sunshine, lollypops and rainbows, it is maintaining this forgiveness throughout your relationship that can be the challenge.  Don’t lose something special because you wanted to be right.

3) Adulting.  While I do think that you should apologize, communicate openly and forgive each other I also think it is crucial do so in a way that is not for your own power.  It is 100 percent normal for your new dating situation to result in some kind of feelings that may not be kittens and rainbows.  And, it is vital for the health of yourself and your new relationship that you express these feelings.  Do not push things down, if something bothers you speak up in a non-accusing manner and say "Hey, I feel this way about this." and if the person you are with is an adult they will say "Hey, sorry about this" and away you go.  However, if you are dating a douche when you say "I feel this way" they will respond "Well that is because you are crazy, or over reacting, or sensitive…etc"  A douche will blame your feelings on you rather than acknowledging that he should apologize and vice versa.  Be an adult.  Talk about your feelings the good and the bad.  Be kind.  Don't be a douche.

And, as you can probably HD and I had a bad day.  Independently of one another that peaked in a short series of texts which ended in apologies.  It was nothing major and was actually probably nothing to do with either of us, but when you have a bad day it is hard to be yourself and enjoy the honey moon.  HD in the end surprised me (as usual) with his thoughtful cool head I am thankful.  Thanks for reading! XO

Rose Colored Glasses

While the honeymoon period of dating can be awesome.  It can also be full of confusion and anxiety.  While you may have guessed Old Blue Eyes ghosted never to be heard from again I saved HD (Hot Dad) through it all because he stood out among the rest.  The following are three things I had forgotten in my prolonged single state that now come to surface:

1) Let's talk about sex, baby.  As I amp up for my third date with HD I found myself questioning my girlfriends when they had sex with their men.  Their answers ranged from two weeks to six months! I went online to research what the dating norm was and apparently four and a half dates...whatever a half date is!  So I decided to hear my one friends advice of when I am ready I will know.  Trusting someone to not use you and throw you away like an old boot is what I now need.  Suddenly you miss quick hook ups from the pub because while they usually end tragically the stress of when to hook up is out of the equation.

2) Text me, damn it!! Suddenly you find yourself eagerly staring at your phone waiting to hear from them like a mad man.  When they text you the wave of relief is so rewarding.  Often I wait to text back, not to play a game but just too enjoy feeling sane for ten minutes of the day.  Anxiety over rejection runs high when you are starting to date someone.  What if they think you are just a total weirdo? Worse, what if they are not a weirdo? And too many questions linger in your little lunachick mind.  Take a deep breath.  Step away from your phone and remember you do have a life outside of him.

3) What does it all mean? And, you are left wondering if they feel the same.  You have no idea.  Do yourself a huge favor. Don't rush and don't take your friends advice.  The truth is if he is truly into you.  You will know.  If he texts you to have a great day and asks how your day is then he is probably thinking of you.  But, the truth is only time can tell you what it all meant and how much he cares.  Fortunately HD says all the right things and I am looking forward to seeing him.

Dating is crazy and unnerving but in the end so worth it! It is such a nice idea to get to know an attractive man on the weekends then spending them alone.  Thanks for reading!! XO