There Ain't No Cure For the Wintertime Blues

As the days get shorter and darker it can be tough to be in good spirits.  Recently several of my friends have told me the weather makes them feel depressed.  The following are three tips to help us all survive winter.

1) Stay active.  I know it is asking the most of you. Time and time again physical activity has proven to boost mood and energy.  All I am asking from you is 25 minutes three times a week.  Join a run or walking group, swim, walk your dog.  You can do it and you'll feel so much better.  Not too mention you can enjoy those holiday treats coming up with a clear conscious!

2) Stay social or get out of your home.  Make plans to either meet friends or take yourself to dinner or coffee.  Make small plans that you look forward to.  Of course if you can book a vacation.  It doesn't have to be elaborate.  Have goals for the week that involve things you enjoy with people you enjoy.  These small events will help the long winter hours go by.

3) Relax.  It is pouring rain, or ice rain or snowing. You are always allowed, guilt free to snuggle up and eat your favourite meal.  You don't need to always be rushing around the town.  It's about balance.  While I do personally think you should relax in a clean house.  Relaxing, getting enough sleep, drinking water and stretching are all great for your health.  Relax.

Balance. Depression I think comes easily if you're too busy all the time and exhaust yourself or if you never have plans and get lonely.  I hope you find your perfect balance and stay happy this winter. Thanks for reading. 

I F#cked Up

Of course it was through truly empathizing with Mr. Big and The Maverick (names to be explained another day) that I questioned why women acted so cruel.  Sadly I realized that I was a woman and had definitely broken men's egos in the past.  It made me realize the following detrimental points and hopefully made me grow as a person.

1) Rather than respect that the men I loved were perfect for someone else, and walk away, I wanted to fit them in my heart shaped box.  I wanted them to be the person I wanted.  I wanted them to love me so much that they would be a different person.  What an a$$hole I was.  And, more importantly a fool.  I broke men so much they left or I left them, and for what?  Things could have ended so much more simply. 

2) I didn't know how happy our differences could make us.  Rather than accept that they were one way and I was another, and celebrate, I wanted to control things.  So much happiness and appreciation was lost.  I could not understand that it was possible to love someone in their singular entirety and this made me lose good men who I hope are being appreciated by someone nothing like who I use to be.  Accepting and complementing goes so far in creating an amazing foundation for the future.

3) I wanted everything picture perfect.  I wanted the Christmas card and the facebook status.  I wanted the vacations and for life to be just perfect and I didn't realize the pressure that put on my man.  I never thought that my demands stressed him out and made him feel inadequate.  I never thought my goals would weigh on him.  To make goals together and build each other up to them was what I should have been open to.

And, we all want to be loved. Even the most dashing bachelors want to be loved. It is beyond love though, it is truly being loved for who you are.  Not who you could be or want to be.  But, to fully be loved for just you.  That is what we all forget to try to do sometimes. XO

What a Mighty Good Man

Between being a shoulder to lean on for a guy who you think has everything and the object of lust of a dangerously attractive Maverick I noticed that men need some serious TLC.  In fact their egos may be more fragile than I once assumed.  And, all it took was a small act of kindness in telling them how special they are for them both to open up about how they had felt the opposite and it made me wonder about the following. (In writing this post I also made a startling revelation of where I had so simply failed the men I have loved).

1) We are worrying ourselves into depression.  I came to realise even when you're the nicest guy in town with everything going for you; or a smoldering fox with George Clooney potential you worry.  You worry you won't have or maybe don't even want to have kids, or get married, and other social norms, and that this is a failure on your part.  Fixating on normalcy is killing your happiness and your relationships.  It creates insecurity and depression and dims that gorgeous shine.  Worrying about what could have been, rather than realizing how wonderful you are, was ruining you. Never allow the fact that you aren't like everyone else take away from your self appreciation.

2) Change isn't always good.  Change for your own growth and development is fantastic.  But changing because someone else wants you to is ridiculous.  You are who you are for a reason.  We are all on our own path creating our own environments.  You know what changing for the wrong reasons breeds? Resentment.  It fuels sensations of not being good enough.  It fosters lashing out and going numb, and sadly it also causes desperate changes. The truth is you shouldn't try and love someone you want to change and vice versa.  Real love is appreciation of that person in their strange, messy, wild entirety. And, if someone wants to change you then they don't appreciate you and that is just down right ludicrous.

3) Forgive yourself.  You are worth a love that is so bright the sun envies it.  You are worth everything you want.  But, in order to believe this you need to forgive yourself for being you.  Forgive yourself for hurting others in your past.  Let go of the mistakes you made and who you use to be. It doesn't define you.  Let go of the resentment of rejection.  Forgive yourself for your life and accept that all the dark moments made you appreciate the delicate beauty of your stars.  Your journey isn't perfect but it made you who you are and that is nothing to be ashamed of.  None of us are perfect but I think you're pretty damn close!

I found it surreal that two men who look like have it all in life were suffering. It made me think of how many other men out there are in pain. They felt sad and broken and worst of all ashamed.  I couldn't understand how the world had tossed them about so much that they didn't realise how magical they are.  So I did what I could do to encourage them to shine. Like we should all do. And, I realized where I had made breaking point mistakes in the past through hearing these two men.  I became conscious to feed a warrior with this heart and never tear a good man down.  Some days we get so caught up in expectations that we completely forget to just listen and comfort.  Thanks for reading. XO

Toxic

Some times in life we have to let go of sh#t people and sh#t circumstances and become truly healthy.  This means cutting the strings of toxic relationships that are weighing you down.  The following are three warning signs of toxicity.

1) People that put you down.  And, I don't mean when your bff recently told you she didn't like the bob you rocked in grade nine put down.  I mean when someone puts you right down.  When a person insults you, they are toxic.  Don't forget misery loves company.  For many years I tried to think that those people needed attention and friendship but the truth is anyone who spends time insulting you doesn't actually deserve a second of your time.

2) People who discourage you.  Have you ever been around a person that really sucks the life right out of you? They suggest that you can't get a better man, house, job, etc.  Well let me tell you, you can do whatever and get whatever you want in this life.  Haters gonna hate.  Toxic people don't like others to succeed.  They prefer that otters don't try and they often manipulate people around them so whenever a person tries to tell you that you cannot do something evaluate your relationship with that person.

3) People who manipulate you.  Toxic friends will make you feel bad and do things you don't really want to do.  They will not care about your comfort level or what you want to do.  They are selfish.  They will feed on your insecurities and lure you into what makes them happy.  If you feel unhappy and like you aren't ever doing what you want with someone again reevaluate.

As we grow older we grow stronger.  As a survivor of domestic abuse I personally can see the red flags of toxic people early.  However toxicity exists in our friendships and families.  Don't sacrifice your happiness for misplaced loyalty.  Thanks for reading.

Be A Warrior

So, I have been gathering my thoughts and emotions about this post and it had taken me longer than anticipated.  As most of you know my dad has a rare muscle degenerating disease called Inclusion Body Myostis (IBM).  He has care workers that get him out of his hospital bed into his wheel chair and vise versa.  He has the use of one arm which he can raise enough to still feed himself.  But, mentally he's sharp as a tack. And, it got me to thinking the following three things:

1) We are all struggling with hard decisions.  My dad wants to live in the house his hard earned money bought.  My mom wants him to be properly cared for and be in a facility that is able to do that.  And me? I can't side with either.  They are your parents.  How does one grow up and make these decisions? And, I know you too have aging parents and maybe your dad had a heart attack but won't change his eating habits, or your grandmother has dementia and fights the nurses at the nursing home.  We are all growing into adult real pain and hard decisions and it is brutal.

2) We all have pain.  Do you ever just cry? Like sit down alone and let it out? And you cry because of all the dads in all the world your magnificent one had to get riddled with illness and it isn't fair.  You're not alone.  I do this too.  In the shower so I can claim the old shampoo in the eye trick.  We all have immense pain at this age.  Some of us have lost the love of our life, our child, our parent and I want to tell you.  When you feel your pain and cry I am with you. You are not alone.  In a world that may seem too busy to care we are all hurting.

3) You are a f#cking warrior. So when I get all egocentric and processing how my dads illness effects me I think about how it effects him. He. Is. A. F#cking. Warrior. How he finds the strength to get out of bed everyday at the crack of dawn through the pain is strength.  How he smiles away all day while his sharp mind is literally trapped in a body that won't work is strength.  How he stays the course is inspiration.  We are warriors together to love through the struggle.  To never give up together.  To be proud we have adapted and grown and realized what we can endure.  We are warriors in a time where weakness is so appealing.

And, as there is nothing one can do but be strong and cry and just keep going that is what we do.  I don't know what tomorrow brings or how to make the tough decisions but no one does.  All we can do is breathe.  Thanks for reading. XO

Nailed It

Recently someone asked me how I got so comfortable with rejection and being single and the following three points are my answer:

1) Be terrible at finding love.  And, I don't just mean have a few bad flings I mean be truly awful at romance.  Be so tragically bad at it that you fall for the charming guy who promises you the world but never follows through, or the boy next door who's in love with someone else, or your childhood crush turned hottie who's only interested in sewing his wild oats.  Get to the point where your boss rolls his eyes when you mention you met someone, where your parents shake their heads and your best friends are one step away from voodoo because they still have faith.  Be horrifically, terrible at love and accept that fate. 

2) Be an amazing catch.  Use this time of alone-ness to really work on yourself.  Work out hard and eat right.  Get in sexy shape and while working out contemplate all the "feedback" you've received.  Put yourself in others shoes and truly work on yourself.  In the process also forgive others and yourself for any issues and move forward.  Fall in love with yourself and be happy with who you are.

3) Focus on the good.  You're amazing.  There is no doubt about it.  Focus on the positive people and events in your life and always look forward to the next set of great moments.  Do not get lost in anything that may drag you down.  This may also mean avoiding people who are negative. Stay the course.  Stay busy and fill your life with good friends who build you up.  Be complete and when rejection comes you will view it as an opportunity to learn about yourself and an indicator that you tried rather than get down.

And, yes it can be awkward rejecting someone and being rejected when the alternate status is being single.  But, it is better to be alone than with the wrong person. And, it is better to have tried and failed than not. And, yes, I will admit for a moment in time I got lost in a crush again but who has time for focusing on things that will never work out when so many things will. Thanks for reading! XO

To all the mothers out there!

A very important message to all my amazing friends who are mothers.  You are doing it right! The following are three truths I want you to know.

1) There is no right or wrong.  I have so many of my mother friends tell me time and time again not to tell anyone they have: potty trained with smarties, let their child watch the Jungle Book, let their child eat toast for dinner...etc.  As if their way of parenting is wrong.  Well it is 100 percent right!! You're finding your way to parenthood and your way is the right way for you.  There actually is no wrong way.

2) You are all scared. Time and time again my mother friends are afraid of judgement and for not being "fun" anymore.  You all need to know that each and everyone of you feels the same. Individually each of my mother friends has expressed the exact same fear. You're not alone.  We are all afraid and raising a person is scary work but you're doing an amazing job.

3)We are all different.  Some children sleep through the night while some refuse to sleep, some children eat peas while others hate green foods, some children poop in their diapers while others go on the front lawn and take all their clothes off to take a dump.  There is no reasoning to each individual child.  Therefore your parenting will be individualized.  Not one person has walked in your shoes so don't listen for one second to a person who thinks they can raise your little snow flake better than you.  You're doing the best job humanly possible.

And, I know I am childless and you may be sitting there not showered in two weeks thanking the universe for dry shampoo as you eat a sandwich in the shower for one moment of peace and quiet thinking I don't know anything.  You're right.  But what I do know is you're amazing.  You're doing it.  All I see is wonderwoman when I see you.  You're the only one who sees the baby weight and the spit up on your shirt.  Trust me you're the only one concerned about the faults you see in the mirror.  To me you're perfect.  Keep up the good work. 

Dick Pics

Of course it is always when you are happy in your day to day single life and blogging about it that random men will assume you want pictures of their penis.  I truly have no idea why but this is a proven truth.  And, I am not talking about sexting, I mean unsolicited dick pics. (For the record if I have any interest in you or your little friend you would know.  I am full on.  So if I am not texting you on the regular assume no pictures are desired.) Sadly I am unable to stop this ridiculous phenomena but I can offer three steps of advice for women who are on the receiving end of such gems.

1) Don't tolerate it.  And I know we live in a society where women are told not to be dramatic. But, don't we also live in a society where it is illegal to show your dick at a woman in public? When you receive a hammer text stand your ground.  Tell the sender it is totally inappropriate.  Don't insult their "gift" or get personal.  But don't stay silent either!! Let the person know it is offensive and send them on their way.

2) No exchange policy.  Seeing as how we apparently don't live in a society where we exchange goods for other goods, I am not sure why men seem to believe an unsolicited dick pic would warrant anything more than point number one (above).  Fun fact: I actually don't have a picture of my vagina on hold just burning a whole in my cell phone longing to be shared...) Don't share a anything.  Don't be pressured by some creep who thinks you owe him because he made the very poor life choice of sending you an unprovoked nude shot of himself.  Don't think he deserves anything more than a lesson that this kind of sharing is disgusting.

3) Distance yourself.  The heart of the matter is anyone who respects you won't randomly send you a picture of his cock.  Just like most men won't just walk up to you in the park and whip it out as a pick up line.  Men that hammer text you are not your night in shining armor.  And, I know it gets tough.  You met him and you've been friendly.  You start to like him and he sends you a dick pic and asks if you like it.  Stop.  Stop thinking you did something to provoke this.  Unless you asked for a picture in plain English he's at fault, not you.  And, I know you want his attention still because you don't fully understand what a creep he is.  Trust me any guy who throws hammer texts like candy at a parade is no good for you.

Some times I think I will never understand men and then other times I think do I even want to? In conclusion I may start a small public gallery for all those pictures that are piling up in my social media inbox.  Thanks for reading! XO

S-I-N-G-L-E

As for the title say it loud and say it proud!! Man it feels good to be alone.  And, I had been so preoccupied that I wanted to meet someone and that I was missing something lately that I had lost sight of how magnificent it is to be by myself again.  Happily ever after with me, myself and I.  The following are three amazing things I love about my life at the moment. 

1) Starfish sleeping.  I have a slight variation of this which is sort of a bit of a yoga stretch.  It encompasses the entire bed.  It has made my achy back a thing of the past! As well as helped me deep sleep.  So good.  So is having two giant pillows which I build around myself.  So is tucking my blanket around my feet and just having this fantastic comfy bed all to myself.  No snoring, no blanket hog, no tossing and turning, no waking up in a sweaty cuddle, no nothing but pure comfort.  And this is just one of the little things I currently relish in because us single gals need to focus on the good more often!

2) I do what I want.  When I want.   Alright, except I do have to mind the pup,but outside of that, freedom.  I don't have to ask anyone what my weekend plans are.  I don't have to check if someone else cleaned the house or took out the trash.  My house is always as clean as I left it.  And, I thought it would be great to be part of a team but what I lost sight of was that it is pretty amazing to be your own team by yourself.  Don't go reading this thinking I am a bitter old hag because I am not.  I just have a new appreciation for my life as a team of one. 

3) Anxiety Free.  Rather than preoccupy my time fussing if he likes me or not or calling or not etc. All that preoccupies me is what kind of pizza to order, when to go for a run, what outfit is best for work. Outside of the fact that I don't have to keep my freakishly long legs shaved I also exercise more and eat healthier which also helps me relax.  I would say the time I have to spent thinking about meal plans, groceries, career, friends has definitely enriched my current self. And, I found out with a few tools I am capable of dealing with all my tasks pretty amazingly.

And, I am SO bored of people telling me once I feel this way I will meet someone incredible.  I am not a spinster.  I am happy single successful woman who actually doesn't need anything but myself.  And, it is such a crazy society that dictates I need a man to be happy.  Because, really does anyone? 

Thanks for reading. XO

Honeymoon Over

Recently a friend suggested to me I only wanted to date men while it was fun and that I did not truly want a relationship.  Which got me to thinking.  Is that true? Do I long for the honeymoon but the moment the hue from the rose dulls I lose interest? Am I hooked on the first rush of possible love? All this will be answered in time but I can tell you three lame facts about the end of the honeymoon period.

1) Words are empty air.  Ah, love.  That first warm fuzzy week when he promises you he wants to lose that unsightly beer belly and eat healthy, where he says you inspire him to quit smoking and ride that new pedal bike ten kms a day. And, those shelves you need tools to deal with? Well, you bet he will be your shinning night with tools in armour to help you!! Fast forward to almost two months later and nothing has changed...he still smokes like a chimney, has rode that bike once and the icing on the cake? He literally binge ate himself sick (healthy eating after all) on the night he was supposedly going to help you with those tools of his.  And, this is one of the first times in my life where I admit I was falling for the representation of a man not the reality of Mr. Darcy.  The honeymoon is so full of promise, but sadly those promises are just words.  Don't fall for it, wait it out to see his true colors.

2) Hello? Is this thing on? (Taps microphone).  Gone are the days where he listens.  Sadly you realise he was actually only selectively listening.  I seriously attempted to open a conversation about matter 1 above thinking communication could repair the emptiness.  But, in exchange I was told I was paranoid and dramatic and that no conversation would be had.  And, while I am sure there is a sea of women who would love to be ignored and put down I am not part of that sea.  I deserve someone who can talk about anything under the sun with confidence.  Never settle for someone who refuses to hear you.

3) Not compatible.  In the beginning we are so willing to try new things and be open minded.  Love is blind.  But gradually reality sets in and you remember what you like and what you don't like and what turns you on and quite frankly what you are one hundred percent not interested in ever experiencing.   The truth is at the end of the day it is all about finding someone who is on your same page.  And, I am not getting into the sexual suggestions that led me to this revelation but I will tell you I am happy to be single again.

And, maybe it is me.  Maybe I love the honeymoon.  The being wooed.  The rush of the fall.  And, if it is, so be it.  I would rather be incredibly happy with my single self than disillusioned and miserable with the wrong person.

Thanks for reading!! XO

Let's Make A Change

I need to back track to this thought because I have heard way too many women in my life lately complain about 30 something men.  And, before you go further and think I am biased I know women have issues and some things need to be said, but are there no tactful men out there? Here are three truths I have continuously found:

1) They rush.  You have barely sat down to the coffee table on your first date and already they are setting parameters.  They explain their life goals and if you aren't their picture perfect cut out of what they envisioned they kick you to the curb. Or worse they completely suffocate you with how you're soul mates.   I honestly don't know which is worse.  But, both rush whatever could have been.  They want to move in right away, meet your family and then months down the line they discover you are actually an axe murderer. Who knew? Slow down.

2) They judge you without knowing you.  For some reason men in their 30s have a mental list for their next girlfriend and their checking it twice. (Truth time: I have a list, it's on my fridge, but I don't follow it strictly because I don't want to miss meeting someone interesting by being an idiot).  And, they say they are searching for their unicorn and it is 100 percent logical.  Mean while they have been single for two years....yes, rejecting getting to know a real girl for a fictional one makes total sense.  Spending countless nights alone wondering why you're single, is far better than getting to know someone who is awesome.

3) Their issues have issues...I once was in a long term committed relationship with a guy and he actually said that one day I would secretly stop taking my birth control and trap him with me forever with a child...hello crazy train.  As if I would change my life goals and my opinion on wanting children in order to be with him forever...yaaaaaa.  Needless to say men in their 30s seem to have baggage.  They can't trust.  Another had this crazy notion he was broken and just couldn't like nice girls.  Sometimes they think you will be like their exes.  Ugh, please relax.  I only wanted to enjoy a beer on a sunny deck, tea at the coffee shop, lunch in the park...I am not dragging you to the chapel.  Try to get to know someone before you beat them to death with your emotional baggage.

4) Last but not least they say they do all these things because they don't want to waste anyone's time.  Perfect so getting to know me is a waste of time? Having fun and going and trying new things is a waste of time? Having company rather than sulking alone is a waste of time? You know what is a waste of time? Conversations about wastes of time.  I am an adult.  Try asking me exactly what I am looking for and getting to actually know me before you call me a waste of time.

Ah, and you are possibly wondering about Mr. Darcy and so am I.  Getting to know someone has it's ups and downs.  But, this is a topic for another day.   Thanks for reading. XO